Why Men Won’t Commit to Me?

Why Men Won’t Commit to Me?

Why Men Won’t Commit

Why won’t he commit to me?

Many women ask this question. This article will give you a guy’s perspective on why some men find it hard to, or don’t want to commit.

(Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

First of all, let me ask you a few questions:

Would you love to commit to a $2,000 a month mortgage?

Would you love to commit to taking the trash out every week?

Would you love to commit to doing the dish washing every single day?

In all the above questions, the word commit has a very obligatory undertone. It almost feels like committing to something would mean that we would be obligated to do something and we would therefore have to surrender our own freedom.

The word commitment almost has a feel of “I don’t really want to do this, but I have to, or I should but it’s not going to be the most pleasant experience.”

Got to do Something Vs GET to do Something

Feeling like you’re obligated to do something never feels that good. Life is a lot more fun when you get to do something, not when you got to do something! Men know this subconsciously.

One of the biggest desires for men, regardless of tradition or culture, is freedom. The Masculine energy strives to break free and experience freedom. It wants release from the constraints of life. 

Some men fight for their whole lives for freedom, and to experience freedom. Usually once they find that sense of freedom, they would never let it go. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

Obligation murders freedom

When we love to do something, it is never an obligation. You don’t ever hear men complaining about going to golf – but work is a different matter. More people die on Monday mornings at 9am than any other time in the week. Coincidence?

Tell me ladies, is it easy or hard to commit to a shopping spree?

What about committing to washing the dishes every day? Is there a difference?

What does it really mean for a man to commit to a woman?

From a man’s perspective, he would have to buy stuff for you, spend lots of money, (it’s not so bad if he’s got the money to spend, but if he doesn’t…), spend time with you listening to all the good and bad stuff that you have to say, spend time when you request his presence etc.

From his perspective, he will have to fork out all these resources, so the question he will ask, (consciously or subconsciously), is whether you are worth all this or not. Some men just don’t want to deal with the excess baggage that women sometimes carry. It doesn’t make the man feel good whilst being with you, and the last thing you want to create for him is a terrible association with you and the thought of you.

It all goes back to men and their desire to feel free. So while you’re reading this, and feeling that perhaps men are not willing to GROW UP, just remember, it has nothing to do with growing up. It is men’s desire for freedom. If they didn’t desire it, they wouldn’t be men, and you wouldn’t feel attraction for them in the first place.

The point is; if you want a man to commit, if you want a passionate, happy long-lasting  relationship, don’t ask for your man to commit. If you ask that of him, and he delivers this “commitment” even though he knows he will feel less freedom because of it, then you are taking away his masculinity and what makes you attracted to him in the first place.

By saying you’re taking that away, he’s really just surrendering it. What will happen after a while, is that, sure he’s around you more often, but you’ll have less attraction for him. You’ll have the security of his presence by your side, but you’re trading off the passion that you could create in the relationship.

There is NO commitment needed when you do the things you love to do. You just do it.

The answer to the problem…

So instead of asking the question of why he will not commit, I suggest asking a better question.

Such as this…”How can I create more passion and attraction between him and me, so that he won’t want to be anywhere else?” or “How can I build up the excitement and tension between him and I so that he would feel like never going anywhere else?”

The power you have is in the attraction you can create between him and you.

A man already has so many responsibilities and obligations, as well as demands on him in life that you if YOU can be his source of freedom, then being with you will never feel like an obligation because there’s so much passion between you.

It’s a horrible thing for a man to go to work and then come home to yet another obligation. I’m sure you sometimes feel the same, right?

If you created that passion and excitement between the both of you, he wouldn’t want to go anywhere else. You certainly won’t have a problem with him committing; he’d love to be around you.

And if you want to get more of an understanding of men and inspire him to commit fully to you, click here to register and watch the Commitment Masterclass.

See Article: Why He Pulls Away From Me and the Relationship?

And also: Why He Disappears and Withdraws? What Can I do about it?

What did you think of this article? Any opinion, thoughts, questions or objections, fire away!


  • Lisa

    Hi Renee

    I have been reading your articles for a couple months now. I feel like I am very open and loving to my well ex now. We just broke up because he told me he doesn’t see a future with me. He said there is no future because of cultural and religious differences. But he knew that we were different when we first met so why say that now? We were together for only 5 months but if that is the reason you are going to give someone you would know that after a couple of dates.
    He is a christian and Nigerian, while I am a muslim and a white Canadian. I am perfectly happy with the differences because I like learning new cultures. But he said if we had children he wants them to be christians. At first when we talked about this I said I would want them to be muslims because that is what I am and if that your belief system and you think its right I think it’s only natural you would want everyone you care for to be on the same path. But after thinking about it I thought I would just want my children to believe in God it doesn’t matter their religion. I wasn’t born a muslim I became one later so we don’t set the beliefs for others they chose what they want to do. I told him this and he said no that is not what he wants for his children they must be christians.
    We stopped talking for a couple of days and then on Christmas day he came over that night and we said we had missed each other and just carried on our relationship like nothing had happened. He would say things to me like if we got married would I move to Nigeria with him, or when we made love one time he stopped and looked at me and said “do you want to have my baby?” and I said I did. So yesterday I asked him what his feelings were and he said he liked me but still didn’t see a future with me because of cultural and religious difference and we already had this discussion!! So why is he giving me this mixed signal and continuing to see me??? I asked him why he would ask me if I wanted to have his baby and he said it was just dirty talk to get me in the mood (I’m sorry that is not dirty talk)
    I told him that he is just using me until someone else comes along then because there is no point to our relationship if it is going nowhere. I’m so lost Renee…I hope you understand all this crazyiness.

  • Truth

    Well many of us men Can, but it is the women that Won’t.

  • carol trevnio

    What do you think of a man who was completely interested in sex until we got married? It is so rare now, after only 3 months. He never gives any forplay, to me either. I feel like a total subservient, or I’m really bad at sex (altho previous experiences have told me I was pretty great before). I’m so sexually frustrated and tired of his lack of interest…I feel like this was a marriage of convenience and it doesn’t feel right. He truly a great loving man, just doesn’t seem interested in sex with me anymore. I don’t get it. Yes, I have talked to him about it. Now I know how married men feel when the wife turns off the sex button. Geez! It really hurts!

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    • Luke

      How about, why would he? Marriage for a man tends to entail horrendous expense (both during and after), constant criticism, etc. And, a man who marries commonly face a gradual shutdown of his sex life. Wives commonly go on sex strikes, and threaten him with loss of his children, all assets, and future income if he looks elsewhere for what his supposed “wife” doesn’t want with him. It’s as if a employer stopped paying you, but expected you to still work 8-5 M-F there, and threatened you with bankruptcy and jail if you went to work somewhere else.

      Unless a man KNOWS he wants children WITH THAT WOMAN, he should never marry, at least not in a Western country.

      • carol trevnio

        Do you think a man would marry a woman, because he cannot “have” the woman he truly loves, because she is already married? And yet still continues his exclusive “friendship” with the married woman, excluding and lying about [their] continual phone calls and encounters to his wife, so he “doesn’t want his wife to get upset?” But the evidence keeps surfacing and he is very “private” with the other woman; for instance whenever she calls him, he will leave the room to converse with her. Wife just learned that he has “lunch” with the other woman each Friday, never invites the wife. This has been going on since day one, and it just surfaced. The “other woman” so to speak, is not even cordial to the wife, and the husband constantly defends his woman friend, “that’s just her personality”. But in fact, her personality around him is a friendly, as if they were the only two people in the world. if the other woman happens to run into the wife, she totally has no interest in extending any sort of friendship except with the husband. I mean, would/could an otherwise good man do such a thing and not care about his wife enough to understand her hurt inside because of this issue? Doesn’t feel right. Instincts for the wife keep emerging red flags and wondering why did he even marry her? Is it to make the other woman’s husband feel more comfortable? Just curious of your male opinion. The children topic does not apply to this question. I know this may seem very one-sided so I am trying to keep this as general as possible.

  • Inga

    This article has some good points. However, I think it’s a bit too narrow. I am dating a guy and we have so much fun together, we laugh, joke, flirt, have great intimacy, and it felt lighthearted and playful. So on the surface it would seem that I am in the place this article says to be in. However, I also notice though he is in contact everyday via text, he really doesn’t allocate much time for me even though he is very complimentary and sweet with me, recently, he said he isn’t at a time in his life that he wants a relationship with anyone. So a girl can be totally go with the flow isn’t life awesome with me and the man could be soaking it all up and still the guy doesn’t want to commit and isn’t even acting like a boyfriend. That last question, how can I build… it sounds great, but seriously I hope women don’t actually think they should continue to give everything to a man and entertain him, make life awesome and then he actually really gives nothing in return. Sometimes when a man doesn’t want to commit a girl needs to just walk away.

    • mcharm

      Hi Inga,

      I’m far from an expert, but I have been studying ‘me’ in the past and ‘me’ now. I was in a 12 year relationship, in which the first two years were bliss, we did everything together, then we moved in together, had kids and everything went downward. So here I am two years after breaking up and dating again. Here is what I have examined in myself, I changed. The first two years were bliss simply because I was my own person and expected nothing from my ex, we spent 24/7 together because he naturally wanted too, there were no demands for him to do so. Once we became seriously committed, I then changed the rules, without realising it, I expected him to entertain me always, I expected that we must be together, that we must hang, that we must….. I stopped being carefree and just relaxing. So even though I had girls night out and I ‘allowed’ him boys night, I expected that we did things together if not there was something wrong with us. I became so unconsciously dependent on him, ie. no freedom as Renee states. I didn’t see it though.
      Now I’m dating again, and so relaxed, if I feel like going out I do, if I don’t I stay at home, this intensifies the need for the man to go out, I am not playing games, I am simply back to my natural state of no dependence. When we go out I am cool and not expecting him to entertain me, but he does without me asking.
      The only way I can explain this is women need to stop putting all their dependence on a man, he naturally wants to be with us if we just relax. So when he doesn’t call, don’t sweat it, do your own thing, if he likes you, he will be back around. However when you are with him be really with him, that is if you really like him, ie don’t look bored or angry or depressed, be fun and frolicky. So that when you are depressed he will show he cares, and when you’re angry he will respect it, as long as you are not disrespectful or hurtful.

    • Ali

      If all the guys a girl likes either won’t give her the time of day or will only sleep with her but not commit to her then she is going for guys that are out of her league and are just using her for sex

  • SarahElizabeth

    I just read this article and feel so much better about my relationship . I went through a horrible marriage that was a roller coaster and left me with a lot of circumstances that make me miserable like sharing my child and still having to remain connected to a man I cannot stand because he is mean and hurtful and unfortunately you never get privacy when divorced with children. But the relationship I am in now I do not want anything bad to happen ever and want to please him and keep him happy in every way and he do the same . I know there are other reasons besides factors you have mentioned but I see so much truth in what you have to say! Thanks for the great input 😉

  • Pedro

    Renee, are you a guy? or has a guy to write these things for you? Because God damnit woman, you know what a man thinks, and at least so far, I’ve seen seen any biased opinions written by you

  • Coco

    I would love your opinion.
    There is a guy I’m deeply in love with but despite us having long conversations, amazing sex and chemistry it seems he doesn’t want to give up his fun lifestyle. He’s always on boys holidays or trips with his friends. We live 6 hours apart, and when we were dating he was stationed overseas which makes it harder and use to do the long distance and fly back and forth which just got to hard so we called it off. It’s now a year later and after not speaking for 6monthd we have started talking, and it’s always so hot and cold, one minute we are skyping for hours, sending photos and just chatting about our lives the next I don’t hear from him in a week or 2. He says how great it would be to live closer and talks about how much he thinks I’m great, very passionate and complimentary. He’s in the army so hard to live in the same place. We have always lived a part so never been able to cement or grow a proper relationship. We now rarely see each other but when we do its amazing, so much in common, so easy and incredible sex. He says he thinks I’m amazing, beautiful etc but then if he really loved me wouldn’t he commit and come see me at the weekends instead of going skiing, or other places with his mates, he’s 34yrs!!
    I have been dating other guys as we aren’t in a relationship but I’m always comparing others to him and longing for him that it’s so saddening.
    Any advice please….

  • favour o


    • Ali

      Invite you to notice all the guys a girl likes as you either won’t give her the time of day to the point where will only sleep with her but not commit. she ponders and suddenly realizes as you are going for guys that are out of her league and are just using her for sex

  • Laura

    Hi there,

    We know each other 6 months ago, talk to each other everyday, hang out 2 or 3 times per week. He talks to me about his plans and thoughts. Shares his life and talks to people about me even though I haven’t met his parents. We have made some plans together. We share intimacy, not very often but we do and he says we’re not dating and that nothing is going on between us. That he doesn’t want a relationship. I feel his committment but it is not nice hearing this from him. I decided to move away, and I don’t regret it as I become a different person by learning from you, but I still want to understand the situation and what was the best thing to do to get the best out of this situation.

    Thanks a lot.

    • Myview

      Hi Laura,
      It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. It’s time for you to tell yourself that you deserve better. Tell your self this everyday and believe it “This is me Laura, in all of my splendor it does not get better than this” dump him! A real man who will worship and adore you and wants to FULLY commit to you will appear.
      It all starts from within you. Why will you settle for the crumbs this man is “offering” you. Is this the kind of “relationship” you want? If it is then stay with him if not dump him. I bet you he is seeing other women too.

      My two cents and good luck.

  • chris60

    What a fascinating perspective from a female writer… The assumption that men pay more in a relationship? Many women today work to support unemployed men. The assumption that a relationship is based on passion,,,aka sex or physical intimacy as the central component of a good relationship. While the emphasis is on providing great sex what happens to the pull for intimacy and the sense of loneliness that can develop when you seem to talk in different tongues? Commitment seems a natural progression once intimacy has been attained if a strong bond is to develop and both people feel compatible in and out of the bedroom and hold shared goals and ideals. Hot sex means little without intimacy, and intimacy develops from a sense of closeness and rapport. Men won’t commit unless they feel that they are getting what they want…a trophy bride? a free ride? or someone who makes their life easier and more fulfilling. Same goes for women when deciding if they want to settle down with this person. Individuals want different things and will search until they find a match. Some people have unrealistic expectations while others simply don’t know what they want…the benefits of a relationship without the strangle-hold or obligations of commitment.

    • Mona

      Passion is so much more than sex.

  • John

    This article says a lot of sensible stuff. And I think women can regard the perfect man as like their best girlfriend, with a better job, but without the rivalry. But even your best girlfriend would tire of an hour-long disection of your day every day, and she’d struggle to be the perfect motionless human pillow for hours each night. Commitment is code for marriage. And a marriage is sharing the burden of creating something great – perhaps a brood of healthy happy new people or some other shared goal. No one wants to share that burden with a partner who is wasteful with time and resources or who lacks in skills. if you want a person to commit, attraction is important, but just as important is prudence and practical and emotional skills. But the key thing is that they have to share a strong desire for the same goal as you, something they can only achieve with you, otherwise there’s no point in accepting all the irritations and burdens.

  • Lilly

    Hi renee

    I’ve started reading articles from the website and blog and I m fairly new at this

    I just want to know as it seems most advice leads to building attraction and connection and although I feel stupid what is that? I mean what does that look like if you had to give a real life example of attraction and connection?

    Another question if u been dating a guy for 2 years of which 4 times during these 2 years he kept saying he is unsure what if there is someone better out there and how would u know if you don’t take the chance – does this make him a commitment phone or someone that’s just scared or someone that is unsure

    I love our articles and advice I think it’s great I just struggle to understand the attraction and connection part and even though I’ve read through the articles I would love if you can maybe give some examples

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