How to Be Feminine

How to Be Feminine

In the modern Western world, we have mistaken feminine as referring to the external appearance of a woman. Yes, this is important for achieving femininity and being more feminine, but this is all worth nothing if a woman is empty on the inside. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

Femininity is created from the inside out, and for a woman to be more feminine, she must prioritize and work on what goes on internally. Some of the most feminine women in the world have no money for clothing, shoes, the latest LV bag, the latest sunglasses….and yet they are feminine. In fact, they are often more feminine than the women who can afford to dress themselves ‘prettily’. Let’s not forget also, that dressing ourselves has now become mistaken for ‘undressing ourselves’.

I have said before, in my post “what Is Femininity – Part 2”, that femininity is not so much about following a set of rules, because rules = rigid and there’s nothing rigid about femininity. To start with, femininity must occur from within. All smart, good men will never, ever, ever be fooled by a fake feminine woman. If you want a good, truly masculine man to love you, protect you, adore you, take care of you and worship you for life, you must have the feminine qualities to attract that kind of man.

The truth is, men want a feminine woman. The good men are also not fooled by trashy looking, egocentric and insecure women who will give their bodies and feminine souls entirely, all for the sake of feeling like they are enough, or worthy, for a night.

I’m not here to give you rules about when you choose to sleep with a man, because regardless of how quickly you sleep with a man, if you think men lose respect for you if you sleep with them very quickly, this is true – to an extent. It’s more about who you are. If you respect yourself, and live as an authentic, genuine, giving and confident woman, the time it takes you to sleep with a man can sometimes become irrelevant.

Femininity and Freedom

Anyway. you’re here to learn about how to be feminine, so I’ll answer that question for you.  To get in touch with your femininity, or to become more womanly, you must start by becoming free. That is – mentally free and spiritually free. Of course, you will need to look feminine and gorgeous on the outside too, but it must start from within before the outer appearance will serve you in any way.

A truly feminine woman is not trapped in her head. She is free. What I mean by this is that she is not trapped in limiting beliefs that lead her to become nasty, judgmental, snide, bitchy, arrogant, aggressive and indifferent. Indifference is one of the worst attitudes for a woman to have. Women are nurturers. Truly beautiful, feminine women take care of things.

In fact, they care about everything. More often than not, these attitudes are a product of experiencing pain. Sure, we’ve all had enormous pain. But it doesn’t mean that a woman has to become ‘broken’ and feel like she’s been ‘hard done by’. A feminine woman is meant to give a masculine man reason to live, to work, to provide, to conquer.

So you must start with your habits, thought patterns and free yourself so that you can be more in your true feminine core. If you know you have a tendency to exhibit the negative personality traits I’ve listed above, know that that is not really you. Those traits don’t really belong to you. They’re just a coping mechanism.

Click here to take the quiz “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”


In order to be more feminine, a woman must allow herself to be vulnerable. If you’re not vulnerable, you don’t need a man. In fact, if you can kill your own snakes, then what is the purpose of a man in your life? It’s important to be aware that if a man is masculine at his core, then it’s important that he does feel needed to an extent. A woman can hold her own and make her own money – being feminine is just more about respecting his role and allowing him to do certain things for you.

The freedom of a feminine woman is in her ability to be spontaneous and to go by feeling. This is the opposite to being indifferent. A feminine woman isn’t always about what’s ‘realistic’, she’s more able to feel and she empathizes with humans and all living things. The worst thing is when a woman puts her sisters down. This happens all the time. Truly feminine women have a feisty side to them as well, but in being nasty to her sisters and not wanting the best for them, she is trying to take away rather than give, and feminine women are about giving (among other things).

Some strategies to get to feeling feminine:

– Use music. Music is one of the best ways for changing your state and influencing your mood. Listen to music that makes you feel grateful, soft, peaceful, happy, serene, joyful and free. You can even dance to it in your own home. (read my article about music to inspire femininity)

– Accentuate the attributes you have that are the opposite of a man’s. This doesn’t simply mean wearing a dress over pants. It’s in the way you sit, the way you talk, the words you use, how you use your hands, how you smile, how you touch others, how you greet people (words and the physical aspects). A lot of women stand and walk like men, drink like a man would, unknowingly. They stand with their hands on their hips the way a man would do it, and sway their arms and legs in the way that a strong and powerful man would do. An important thing to remember is to use less the words men use – especially the words they use to address their guys friends. It’s still OK to use them, as long as it’s not executed in a masculine way. Saying ‘Hey mate’, ‘thanks mate’, ‘Hi buddy’, all denote that you’re relating to a man as another man would. (read my article about surrendering to masculine energy)

– Feminine women are delicate. Any jewelry that is overly harsh starts to take away from the woman and draw attention to fashion. Not to mention it just makes you look like a fashion victim.

– It’s great to dress fashionable, but be aware that dressing for women is a totally different thing to dressing for men. (read my article about dressing feminine in the workplace)

– Get out of the mindset that you should not do anything for ‘a man’. A lot of women say it’s ok to go out of their way for girlfriends etc, but that it’s not ok to serve a man. A man wants to know that you care to please him! To get out of this mindset, start thinking less of yourself, and what you’re getting, and start working on understanding a man. Selflessness is definitely a thing you want to possess if you want to be more feminine.

– Find ways to enjoy sex if you have trouble with intimacy. I’m not encouraging you to be promiscuous, but a lot of women unfortunately have problems letting go during sex, or they have sex for the wrong reasons. Men like it if a woman is free and able to enjoy herself.

– Men go crazy over a woman who can give them a genuine smile. It doesn’t matter what her physical attributes are, if you give a man a genuine, happy smile and look him in the eye – he’s going to be profoundly affected. Ask any man who is in touch with his masculinity whether a smile is extremely important in a woman and he’ll say yes. See, as crazy as this sounds, masculine energy knows more about death, whereas feminine energy knows more about life, opening to love and giving love. The reason masculine energy is more about death is because men focus on getting things done, conquering, putting an end to things, and letting go, and moving on to the next challenge. Masculinity responds to challenge and feminine energy responds to praise. This is partially why smiling works so well. It is a nice change from the way things operate in the man’s world. Smiling and happiness represents life, love, opportunity and openness. Men love a woman who can be open to him. This is one reason why they love sex so much. The woman has to be open and vulnerable to him in order to be present with him during sex.

– Seek to understand rather than complain, bitch, moan, criticize and blame. Blame takes the power away from yourself. Not only this, but men hate to be blamed because they hate to be wrong. Never directly tell a man he is wrong!!!

– Appreciate men for being men. Always show appreciation for a masculine man. (read my article about why every woman should look up to her man?)

– Stop with ‘me’ and start with ‘others’. You will never get more spiritual growth than by seeking to contribute and to grow. The more women think of themselves, the more rigid, tight, old and indifferent they become. The plight of others is important to a feminine woman. Think of Audrey Hepburn and her work with UNICEF as well as Angelina Jolie. No matter what your opinion on her is, what matters is that she’s contributing and caring for others.

A final message…

Whatever strategies you want to use, remember that if it’s all too overwhelming, just start with freeing yourself . Free yourself from everyone else’s limiting beliefs. Go to your heart rather than your head. Your heart has the answers more often than not, as cheesy as that sounds. If you’re in your head, you’ll always go around in circles. Lots of things can be solved simply by going in to your heart. Begin living life on your own terms and believing in people rather than criticizing and bitching about them (not that you do actually do that, but it’s good to be aware of it and to catch yourself if you ever do it).

I hope that you enjoyed this article and that you found it useful. If you have anything to say, please leave me a comment. You can even leave a comment if you hated it. Have a lovely day/night! :)

Also, I’m so excited to let you know that we’ve already launched our Commitment Control 2.0. Click here to register and watch the Commitment Masterclass, which is an introduction to this program.


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  • Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

    “A man wants to know that you care to please him!”

    How do you square that comment with your article Pleaser Women always Lose Out? I thought we weren’t supposed to be pleasers?? Which is it?

    • Renee Wade

      Lol, Tanya, I appreciate your question…the contradiction you see is actually non existent – even though you see it.

      What this means here, ‘care to please him’ is in the context of a relationship – where it IS important to show that you do care, and you’re willing to consider the other person’s needs. This is genuine care.

      Please is an entirely different thing – it is often absent, uncaring, done for the sake of the pleaser keeping a certain identity about themselves, even if inside they are ignoring all their natural instincts, desires and wants. It’s fraudulent.

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  • Roshni Rebecca

    Thank you so much for your light to share your knowledge and understanding. It has brought so much healing to me at this point in time :) big love xo

  • Sara Lee

    I don’t particularly feel attractive enough to wear dresses or “feminine” clothes, never really have. I also have a physical illness I’ve had since a kid that I don’t think does much for confidence. I feel silly/fake when I try and be more feminine. Do you think I sound transgended or something?

    At the start of the year I also lost a man I really felt I loved, first ever actual ‘true’ love, not trivial or “puppy love”. I feel like I’ll always miss him, even now, and I feel no other man would be as good as he was.

    ….Any handy advice or words of wisdom to my post?

  • Joan

    It’s tough to be feminine in this day and age. I admit I do feel silly at times, but I read this article again and the comments and it brings me back to my true feminine self. My man seems to envy the husbands with the non-feminine women, but I have to wonder if that is just my imagination. Or if he does envy them, then it is not my job to try to change the way I am, because we must not ever lower our value. Femininity is our gift to the world and to ourselves. So with that I’ll stay the way I am.

  • Lynn

    I have had a rough childhood and because of this when it comes to men I cannot let my gaurd down and I have been told numerouse of times by Woman that I’m too aggressive. I don’t even know that I’m doing it and I want to stop, can you please give me some advice on how to be less argumentative and pouncy and just be a woman.

  • Anais

    “I’m not here to give you rules about when you choose to sleep with a man, because regardless of how quickly you sleep with a man, if you think men lose respect for you if you sleep with them very quickly, this is true – to an extent. It’s more about who you are. If you respect yourself, and live as an authentic, genuine, giving and confident woman, the time it takes you to sleep with a man can sometimes become irrelevant.”

    Yeah from what I’ve observed, a lot of men who judge a woman on how soon she sleeps with him and “lose respect” are more conditioned by this because of society labeling women “sluts” for every little thing we do that’s sexual. Or they act under the assumption that she must do that with every guy, (which is often not true about the woman).

    Either way, if a woman is truly feminine and has a lot of value to add, a man won’t care if she sleeps with him early on. So even a man who has these preconceived beliefs about how soon a woman has sex may throw it out the window for a woman who is in tuned with her feminine energy, adds value to his life and accepts his masculinity. Most women don’t stimulate that amount of emotional attraction and connection before sleeping with him though.

  • Holly

    Whilst reading this I felt very sad and cried lot’s. The problem is I feel an empty void with echoing words of, your nothing. That’s exactly how I feel inside, a nothing feeling, since my whole life I’ve people pleased and accommodated to other people’s needs above my own. How could I possibly feel like an authentic, individual since I never spent the time getting to know myself as a person, but instead changed my opinions and points of veiw without even listening to what others were saying, but instead detected controversy undertones in communication so agreed with what others say without giving it a moments thought.

    When I think about that now and how it effects my body I feel discomfort and musle tension just to say the least. I have real reasons to feel angry at myself as my habits still live on. My bad habits are my bad habits.

    I’m trying to work on myself and reading up on lot’s of information but, it’s like telling a dog that’s habitually used to chasing sticks, you can’t do that any more, even though you’ve done it all your life and it’s second nature, you now must stop, just like that.

    It’s become clear that my work is long cut out as when everything stops, I feel an abundant of messages from my childhood dwelling under the service.

    I use to fill my life with clothes shopping and goals of all kinds but it comes to the point when I have to think, what’s the point in it all. Theirs only so many clothes I can buy.

    Which now brings me to the point, why am I putting so much attention into better understanding men and their behavior. I don’t know if I’m trying to fill an empty void or if men are even worth so much of this enthusiasm, I don’t know what to think as I’ve read to many different things, carry too many child hood scars in my unconscious mind and I don’t know if I can ever get over it all. I have a.complex about my face and that really holds me back.

    I’m not sure what to think about anything at the moment, probably because I haven’t spent enough time focusing positive energy on myself. Omg!! :-D, I just realized I’m being process oriented as opposed to solution oriented.
    Well at least I’m using my feminine brain this very moment :-). I guess that’s something I’m doing right and should be happy about.

    I like your advice on follow your heart and not your head. Spending too much time focusing on my thoughts is half of my problem. If anything my heart guides me to become stronger.

  • maureen kesande

    thank you for that a sweet lesson i learnt alot and ready to change alot

  • WK

    ‘If you work out, work on accentuating and improving every feminine aspect of your body. This includes the buttocks, the legs, the tummy and the breasts (weights to help the breasts defy gravity). Doing lots of heavy weights will make you butch’ – They do NOT make you look butch as we have naturally less testosterone and it’s a lot more difficult for us to gain as much mass as a man. I’m lifting heavy weights and this may look ‘masculine’ but it’s only to grow in areas such as butt and thighs, so have ‘feminine’ outcomes in mind – I’m curvy, not ‘butch’. Shame many girls are scared of weights as they fear looking like a man, however, I can see a lot of those who never work out/lift and some look ‘masculine’ and shapeless with undefined butts and legs. So it’s a misconception there. However, some females take it way too extreme and its not attractive at all…

    • Renee Wade

      Hi WK – you are right, and this piece of advice is outdated :)

  • laura

    hey renee! just wanted to say I love your site. I’m almost done reading all of your blogs before i move on to the other tabs at the top of the page. Can’t wait to read everything you have. It’s helped me SO much and made my life a lot happier! 😀 😀

    im a personal trainer and I actually do non-competitive olympic weightlifting and powerlifting, too. I noticed you mentioned that heavy weights will make you butch, and to use light weights and do high reps to get toned. I just wanted to say, for corrections sake, that this is such a big myth! I’m petite, (5’5″, 122lbs) very well toned, and have been doing VERY heavy weight lifting for some years now. And no, I haven’t lost my feminine curves! :) They don’t go away, thanks to our estrogen storing fat in our hips and butt and thighs! Women simply don’t have enough testosterone to build muscle like men, so we CANNOT get bulky or “butch” without some kind of steroids!
    And actually, high-rep weight training (eight to twelve reps or higher) is a body-builder style of training for muscle hypertrophy – meaning, higher reps (with a heavy weight) is used for muscle GAIN. Not just toning, but GAINING. Of course, women don’t have to worry about this unless they’re taking steroids.

    Me and my female friends at the gym, and my clients, all look absolutely stunning, very feminine, still have a nice booty lol, and we lift some seriously heavy weights. Don’t worry! You CAN’T get bulky from that. We just don’t have enough testosterone to become that muscular! And unless we eat like 3000 calories a day, we don’t get that stereotypical fat/butch-female weightlifter look (this rarely happens, btw) We all look athletic, for sure, but still feminine! A good, clean diet also helps of course 😀

    anyways, thanks so much for the awesome info! keep up the great work :)

  • Chan

    Hello, and I just want to saw that reading your website has really changed how I view men, relationships and me. I could go on and on about my childhood but I don’t want to be a victim anymore, and I realize that I am feminine. Almost everyday for the past 19 years of my life, I’ve been trying to act masculine and hide the fact that I actually cry when I watch something sad on TV and that I’ve always wanted to find a “Prince Charming”. I’ve just always thought that femininity was for the “prettier” and “skinny” girls, but thank you so much for teaching me that femininity starts on the inside, not in overly done make up or short dresses. And at first I thought that maybe it was too late to be feminine, but reading all these comments makes me realize I can show my true colors at any ae and that 19 is as good as any age :)

    • Renee Wade

      Hey Chan, you’re right, 19 is as good as any age. I used to think the same; that femininity was for skinny and pretty girls – wrong, ESPECIALLY in the eyes of a man!

  • Adele

    Im trying to embrace my inner femininity. I was raised to value education and career over love, marriage or spirituality. I am learning a lot on this topic lately but I feel discouraged because I keep dwelling on my mistakes. I have a masculine man in my life, but I wonder what he thinks of me. He says he loves me, but I wonder if he is just saying that. Because I feel bad about having had so many failed relationships before him. The only thing I can say is that I’m authentic. I always try to be myself.

  • arty

    i’m worth it n lovd it as well

  • christiane

    interesting article and interesting – still few- comments. I like the straight honesty of the metallica women. And her name represents what she thinks, feels. I honour every human. We all go through painful experiences in life and we respond to them in different ways. Vulnerability is not weakness, dont confuse these two words. In the contrary, only a strong person can be vulnerable as it means risking a lot. The more hard a woman or a human becomes, the more past pain is involved. I have most respect for those who can still love life after intense pain. Real womanhood is utterly strong.

  • MissMetallica

    WTF??this is called being weak,not feminime,why shouldn’t i tell a man he’s wrong?i don’t give a fuck,he messes with me,i give him hell,no one treats me badly,i don’t take fucking shit from no one,i’m not gonna act dependable & vulnrable to attract a man,i care too much about my ego,it’s much more important than making a man look “manly”,i’m not some stupid cunt who thinks i live to please my husband,i’ll do what makes me happy,not act weak & delicate so a man will like me,if he doesn’t,so be it,i can find a REAL man who’ll admire me for being strong,proud & independent.i don’t need a fucking man to be happy,i can perfectly handle myself XD!so all them cunt men who don’t like it can kiss my god damn motherfucking ass 😉

    • brandy

      yuck, good luck finding a quality man with that potty mouth and disgusting selfish attitude! Why are you looking up relationship advice if you don’t need a man to be happy?

      • MissMetallica

        because being feminine ain’t out about gettin a man sweetheart fyi,women act feminine because they were born with a vagina,not to attract a man,we’re in the 21st century,not the stone age.& if a man can swear,i can swear like a fucking god damn sailor all i want.i’m not being selfish,i’m being a strong woman,& i have the balls to prove to a man that i can be better than him & there’s no way he can mess with my ego or make me swallow my pride,it doesn’t make me mean,but i’m not lowering myself or acting ditzy & submissive to please someone,i walk the way i want,& don’t give a shit what men or people say,they can suck on my imaginary balls,i ain’t no one’s bitch.they won’t like me because they’re gonna be intimidated because i’m not some weak bitch that can show them they that the XX chromosome is better than their sorry asses. ;D

        • Jo

          God, why do you come on this site anyway? Suck on your imaginary balls? Utterly bizarre!

        • um

          Have fun being an abusive, dominant, manly, disgusting woman then lmao you’re jealous of smart, soft, intelligent,feminine, submissive women :)

      • http://Google Sandra

        Thank you Brandy for your comment. I feel a man needs to feel important to the lady he is interested in. Miss Metallica needs a lot to training to learn to be a lady. I feel the attitude you put out is the attitude you will get in return. If you cuss, swear and drink like one of the boys, you are going to be treated and looked at as one. A man likes to feel he is needed by the woman he is interested in. She needs to be a bit vulnerable also.
        I was taught that you get in return what you give out. Act like “one of the boys” and you are going to be looked at and treated like one. There is absolutely nothing wrong with respecting yourself and acting like a lady. You get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar =)

    • Cuppscake

      This site is about telling your man where he crossed the line but in a way you would get good results and a kiss on top, Skip the headache and the screaming and yelling, it wont workk and you ll end up with a bad throat. 😛

    • Denise

      lol, calm down Miss Metal. No one likes an angry woman.

      • Genevieve

        It isnt about being “delicate”. For a man yes it helps to promote his manly ego of letting him open jars and reach high things on shelves for you now and then. But you dont have to go full on “im so weak i cant do anything for myself”. In the end most men will find women who act like they cannot do anything for themselves unattractive and off putting not all men no but alot. There must be a happy medium for delicate behavior. As common courtesy it is nicer to not swear like a sailor and be kind to those around you. Show the man in your life respect not submission, show you care about his opinions and beliefs and things that are important to him. But dont submit to his way of thinking by having to change your own values and opinions. That is not right or attractive, being yourself whether you are fat or skinny or strong or weak is what in the end our men want. They don’t need or want a overly weak woman who can be blown over by the wind. They will need a woman in the long run who can run a home, work and be his partner in life. Things should not be one over the other but even with both. The woman should have more delicate behavior in that she will be there for her man and not give him the fear that he isnt good enough to be able to protect her. But be strong enough that she can handle him and stand up for herself. So find a happy medium in delicate behavior!

    • Crystal

      Because you want admiration too, and the best way to get what you want is to help others get what THEY want. You want a man who’s willing to handle your outbursts even though you’re not willing to handle HIM for acting in certain ways. This isn’t about “pleasing” anyone when you’re disappointed by the way no one pleases YOU. Do you want a guy who’ll admire your strength, if it means he might be more accommodating than you are, or do you want a “real man” who’ll risk calling YOU out on your behavior too? Just what is it that YOU actually want from a relationship?

      No one is going to be handed to you on a silver platter. You expect a man to be perfect when you’re not willing to strive toward being great for him. Because you’re going to have to look at his viewpoint too – what would be the point of actually being in a relationship with you? What value would add to his life, if you’re ALSO going to make him feel like a failure when he messes up instead of being kindly assertive about your own boundaries for his bad behavior, especially if it’s unintentional?

      People say you have to be able to “be yourself” in a relationship, but we can’t forget that in a relationship, we’re dealing with another person too. Someone who can’t be expected to read your mind. Someone who won’t go along with whatever you want, because then you won’t think he’s a “real man” anymore. Are you really happy if you’re coming here wondering why your personality repels?

    • http://Google Sammy

      Gee MissMetallica..I all ready get the impression that you are not a feminine woman/lady and never will be. I don’t know how old you are or do I care, but you need to clean up your language.

      You sound as though you are mad at the world or some guy/guys has/have done you seriously wrong. With that mouth, no wonder you have the attitude. People listen to you and you turn them OFF immediately. About your ego…way to high! No man will ever treat you with respect and that is sad…

  • emily taylor

    what an enlightened person you are! well done article. i think we live in a society that focuses too much on the outside, how a person looks, to mean femininity. i’ve met some really beautiful “feminine looking” women that were some of the worst people i have ever known. a good heart goes a long way!

  • Irina Irimia

    Hi, Renee! Very good and useful article, I really enjoy your work! Congrats xx

    I strongly believe in a woman vulnerability that it reveals in a very attractive and irresistible way her beauty. Men are crazy about this energy and how any woman particularly enjoys her femininity.

    Thank you xx

  • Serena

    Do you think it is possible for a woman to listen to hard rock (or even heavy metal), and still be feminine? While it might be hard to imagine someone on the light side of femininity listening to that kind of music, that might fall more in line with dark femininity.

    What about top forty pop? Do you think that music is necessarily feminine? I imagine one objection you might have to Justin Bieber is that he isn’t masculine enough.

    I’d be interested in getting your thoughts about this stuff.

    • guzzoline

      Your comment is older, I know, but your comment is very insightful :-) However, I do believe that rock music in general is more masculine, and is increasingly testosterone-pumped the heavier it gets. I do love my metal bands, but I listen to them when I need to be pumped for something masculine, or I’m angry. Rock chics = jeans, leather, sky-high heels, tons of cleavage the words.

      I don’t think the Top 40 is feminine, either – women prostituting themselves, pining away for men who don’t love them, or hating men.

      In contrast, I think romantic music encourages femininity, even if its undertones are a little sexy. YMWV: traditional Russian love ballads really get me going. I’m listening to the soundtrack from “The Man from UNCLE.” – sweepingly romantic Italian ballads, earthy soul singers yearning for their lovers – it certainly brings out another side of me 😉

    • Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

      Good question Serena! I’ve been pondering this myself… as I’ve been reading alot of Renee’s articles & desiring to be more feminine (I already do think I come across as feminine with how I dress, I wear lots of skirts, wrap tops that show shape, not baggy sweatshirts LOL, I try not to swear, I have long hair but wear it neatly done up, etc) but on the other hand I have been listening to German heavy metal for about 3 years and I love it! Good clean deep heavy bass, heavy drums, good stuff. I’m even trying to learn German so I can sing along with it. My (younger than me, male) roommate told me he thinks I listen to country music (I guess based on how I dress but I didn’t ask him) so when he heard what I do listen to he was very surprised to say the least! I certainly don’t look like I listen to heavy metal, I don’t wear the clothes associated with it, no bags advertising the bands I listen to, etc.

      So yes I do think it is possible to listen to heavy metal and still be feminine! Cuz I’m doing it! I much tend to fall on the side of dark femininity to begin with, I barely resonate with light femininity at all.