Dealing with Passive Aggressive and Difficult Women

Article updated 2018

What To Do About Passive Aggressive Women

The woman whom you had such a great connection with yesterday, but all of a sudden, won’t even look you in the eye if your face is half a centimeter away from hers.

The woman who is giving off the impression that something is wrong through her body language, but isn’t telling you what it is, and isn’t even giving you an opportunity to do something about it.

The woman who won’t even talk to you or acknowledge you. (Click here to take the quiz on “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

The woman who has her back to you when you’re talking to her.

The silent treatment.

The rolling of the eyes.

The hostile body language.

Passive Agressive and Difficult Women – What to do about them

The woman who just doesn’t seem to care about you or the friendship you had with her anymore (because dealing with the problem that has arisen is 1,000 times harder than it is to just not care about you anymore).

The bitch face her and her friends pull when you walk into the room.

The woman who slams doors to get some power.

The woman who gives ambiguous instructions, requests, statements or answers.

The woman who clearly doesn’t understand you, what you do, or why you do it, but couldn’t give a rat’s butt about asking you about it and trying to understand. Judgement is much safer.

The woman who moves things, says things, and organizes things in a way that seems to give off the impression that you or something you are doing is bothering her, but when you ask her about it, you get a curt and reluctant “no! Nothing is wrong!” and then she either walks off or tries her hardest not to talk to you again.

(An extreme example): the woman who threatens to hurt herself or somebody else when you confront her about something.

“What. the. hell.” Seems to be the only possible answer when you’re faced with a situation like this, since you feel so trapped and dishonored as a person.

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It’s Much Easier To Make You Wrong

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One of the most painful things about being in this situation is that usually, women who act this way are making you wrong, and making you out to be a villain, without even considering that they themselves, have been far from perfect in their actions towards you. Even if they do acknowledge they could have been better in their actions – they nonetheless repetitively act from a place that makes you bad and them perfect.

It’s much easier to outsource blame for their own shortcomings and ill intentions.

Often, you know, they could just “not like what you wear” (which is just an surface justification for their own insecurities), perhaps they don’t like that you don’t value the same things that they do in life (ie: maybe, they like bitching a lot of the time and you don’t), perhaps their guy friends go on about how gorgeous you are when you’re not around and it makes them feel bad. Perhaps you just trigger them to feel bad about themselves, for whatever reason.

Usually, these women tend to surround themselves with women who are equally insecure and ill-meaning, and so the influence of their “friends” make it much harder for you to get through or solve a problem with them.

However, to be fair, I have to say that all of us have been passive-aggressive at certain times in our lives. It’s just that some women act from that state continuously and out of habit, out of ease and out of fear.

It’s hard because you probably feel like they have bad intentions (though I could debate the theory of bad intention and whether it truly exists, but that’s for another time). They give off a vibe that makes you feel excluded.

Two words to describe these situations:

Draining and Frustrating.

Just to be sure, passive-aggressive is defined as: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment and aggression in an unassertive, passive way (as through procrastination, sullenness or intentional inefficiency and stubbornness).

Getting The Truth Out Of People Is A Difficult Task

There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. CLICK HERE to find out what they are.

If you are anything like me, you prefer people to just come up to you, and tell you what is going on, or just for them to tell you what the problem is, or you prefer to actually be in the know, so that you can move forward, reconnect the friendship/relationship, grow and learn something.

Here’s the problem: it’s going to be hard to get this (the truth, or their feelings) out of many women, especially if you are not very close to them. Many women won’t throw their fears to the curb in order to deal with a problem related to another woman whom they “don’t like”, don’t have a lot in common with, or feel threatened by.

It’s much easier to just make you wrong. Prepare for this to happen. This doesn’t mean you should expect it from every woman, it just means that you aren’t going to be able to solve this problem in every woman in the world.

My feeling is that many women are going to be way too scared to confront their fears and actually deal with it because it’s just ‘too hard’!

And it’s worse when these women get into a group because as I’ve established before, we become who we spend our time with.

It’s very easy to do the following things when you’re confronted with a woman (or two) who are being passive aggressive:

1) try to get power and significance by controlling something that’s related to them and getting revenge.

2) yell at them.

3) blame them.

4) Confront them in aggression

5) Make them wrong.

6) be passive-aggressive, too.

7) Blame yourself, and think you are the bad person.

8 ) get all hoity toity.

The Solution

Here are the steps to take…

1) Understanding. Ask yourself what is missing in their life for them to continually act passive-aggressive towards you. Usually, they want to feel important and certain about themselves. And usually, they don’t feel particularly important or certain about their worth. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I”)

And sometimes, they’re just plain scared. Once you have understanding, you can act from a place of compassion, and actually do something about the situation, rather than just letting it rot. Even if it doesn’t work out – you become a better woman through your efforts.

2) Give them what they need, not what they want. They may say they need such-and-such, and it’s easy for you to just take what they say literally and withdraw and then do nothing about it (which could lead to passive-aggressive behavior on your part, too). However, what they really need is to feel important, significant, and to have their identity re-affirmed. Hard to do, I know.

Sometimes they just need to be appreciated for what they do or what they have already contributed, to know that you care,  and to be made to feel safe around you.

3) Do not make them wrong. This will perpetuate their pattern. So, focus more on your feelings and the situation than blaming them.

But here’s the bottom line: What you decide to do is nowhere near as important as the meaning you choose to place on the events and the person you become as a result of the events – you always must take the high-road. There is absolutely no benefit in hiding from problems, or from confrontations, like they are.

So when do you drop out, give up, and stop trying to influence them? This is entirely up to you. How long you decide to put yourself in to being the leader and initiating a better relationship between you and them is your personal choice.

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A Story Of A Housemate…

I want to leave you with one (of many) examples in my life, where I had to deal with this.

I once had a female housemate who I had moved in with. I didn’t know her prior to moving in. We interviewed each other, and she was in a hurry to get a housemate in, and I was also in a hurry to find a suitable place. Before I moved in, it was clear that we were opposites, however, we seemed to manage to get along well – enough to make the decision to be housemates.

At the beginning, we had great conversations and some talks about very personal things. However, over time, we began to not talk to each other very much, and we were both busy so we also didn’t see each other much – despite living in the same house.

Things were fine for the first 3 weeks. And then I attended a birthday gathering of hers. There were, of course, other women at the gathering. I didn’t get the best vibe from some of them. And it seemed, to me, that after that day, my housemate was suddenly more cold to me. Things went downhill from there.

We both did continue, at times, to make an effort to talk to each other, but when I am in my own home, I tend to be quite reserved and quiet. It became more of a business relationship over time, and our differences were clear:

I have extremely high standards for myself when it comes to health, fitness and cleanliness.

She wouldn’t always clean up properly after herself, spent most of her spare time watching television and making excuses as to why she couldn’t go for a run or do the cleaning or get off the couch. At night time, she would have long and loud phone conversations, complaining about how terrible the quality of men is, that there are no good men, and just generally having a complaint session about other people and calling them names.

She would often be really depressed and not even look at me to say hi, and then when she was in a great mood, she would then talk to me. When she was depressed I would pick up on her mood and just want to get out of her way.

Her lack of cleaning did bother me, but not too much. After all, when it got too messy it only took me 10-20 minutes to clean up after her.

As time went by, as it became clear that we were very much opposites, the tension got to a point where it was too much (as it always happens). We had a heated misunderstanding when talking about kitchen utensils and cleaning utensils.

I proceeded to tell her that if she had a problem with something I was doing, that she could just tell me since I would sometimes find my stuff moved, or I would pick up on her trying not to talk to me, and even trying to ignore me at times. I had felt for months that she had concerns but wouldn’t tell me anything. She denied she had anything to tell me.

Yet at the same time, when I was talking to her, she would have her back to me, and wouldn’t say much and definitely didn’t look like she wanted to say much.

And that same day, about half an hour after that misunderstanding, while she was on the phone to a friend, I hear the front door slam loudly, while I’m crying in my room, thinking about what I could have done wrong, and getting very stressed over the tension.

Of course, seeing me this way, David (my man) immediately proceeded to look for a new place for me to stay. I was too upset to even think about finding a place because I wanted to fix the situation I was already in with my housemate.

Anyway, a few hours later in the day, I received a call from David, telling me that he had happened across an ad on the internet – my room had been listed for rent on the internet that very day, stating that it would be available for a move in two weeks from that date.

I was floored. My housemate had not told me about it, but I thought that perhaps, given some time she would tell me about it. So I waited a few days, to see if she would approach me about it. She didn’t, so I confronted her on the 3rd day.

Before I even said anything, she launched into a few minute-long justification of why it had been put up. Saying she had not gone behind my back. (??) And that she was ‘just looking’ to ‘see what’s out there’, and that her friend told her to put it up.

The (Almost) Resolution

After talking it through, we came to the conclusion that she thought I was the perfect housemate – always paid on time, always cleaned, respected the house, was quiet and observed all the requirements we had talked about when I moved in. However – she wanted somebody more ‘like-minded’. She said, like-minded was that we would do some things together, like have a meal or go for a walk along the beach. Fair enough.

She also proceeded to mention that she needs to be told what to do by people, and it took her a week to work herself up to talking to me about something. From this conversation, we decided that we would be more open to each other and make a point to connect with each other. (read my article about the best revenge to bad girlfriends)

So I thought, OK, great, we have made a little bit of progress. She also promised to take the ad for my room off, of her own accord.

That was a Tuesday. By Monday afternoon the next week, the ad was still up. She again had not approached me about it. On top of that, in the preceding days, I had made a point to talk to her and initiate conversation, but her response was disappointing, to say the least. She just wasn’t bouncing back at me with any more conversation. She was keeping it very business-like.

When I asked her about why the ad hadn’t been taken down, she told me she had asked her friend to take it down for her because she didn’t know how to.

The point is: if it was important enough to her, she would have found a way to talk to me about our problems. And if she really wanted to take the ad off, she would have.

She was indicating, through her actions, that she didn’t value fixing the problem over being comfortable. And she made it harder for me by continuously denying things. It became obvious that she simply did not want to deal with the problem, rather, she would prefer to get somebody else into the house than deal with our issue (which she hadn’t even brought up in the first place before she placed the ad up without notifying me about it).

Here’s What I Learned From The Experience:

1) In order to help the process of her feeling comfortable around me, like her, I was going to have to accept (rather than reject) my own lazy side, and accept the part of me who likes to feel bad about myself (a massive challenge for me). This was really seeing the situation for the gifts it brought to the table. I believe this experience was put in front of me for a reason.

2) I had, at times, been too busy judging her for her laziness, the way she talked about (and treated) men, and her passive-aggressive behavior to actually form a deeper connection with her, which contributed to the whole problem.

3) That my resistance to connecting with her because of our differences, and because I felt like I didn’t want to be ‘brought down to her level’ by associating with her most likely made her feel like she wasn’t enough, which made the situation worse. Her passive-aggressive behavior was already a result of feeling diminished and scared.

4) Going by ‘rules’ – ie: paying all my rent early, religiously cleaning up after myself, keeping to all the house requirements, and being quiet, really isn’t what she wanted or needed. In fact, that kind of thing really isn’t what people perceive value in, even though it may be important to them that you pay your rent on time. What she wanted, since I was living in, and renting a room in her house, was a friend.

5) Either I expend lots of energy influencing her, and myself, to form a good connection with me so that we can live amicably (which was hardly worth it since she had so many other women in her life feeding her ‘reasons’ for her actions, her judgments of me, and influencing her to make the decisions she was making already – why would she sacrifice the love of a number of existing friends who were meeting her needs over forming a connection with a person she hardly knew?) OR

I was going to have to decide to leave the house and in the meantime, take leadership and form common ground and a connection with her.

6) Confronting her with the intensity that I did about the ad being placed on the internet may have been justified, but it was not necessarily helpful in preserving a relationship.

7) Ultimately, since I was living in her house, I felt I was working with a situation where her power was greater than mine, so whilst I would continue to form the connection, I didn’t really want to LIVE within her proximity.

Given the situation, (we were talking about somebody who had placed my room up for rent without telling me, it was not worth my energy. I have a bigger mission to work on than to chase her for not taking the ad down.

That is just one example from my own life of dealing with passive-aggressive women.

Take your time to read more information about our 17 Attraction Triggers eBook. Click this link to read more information. 

Do you have any experiences to share with us? Please share in the comments section below your ways of dealing with passive-aggressive women. Looking forward to hearing from you. 🙂

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A woman
A woman

Errr.. if this story is true then why did this guy not realise that his female flatmate was deeply in love with him?
She felt rejected. And I suspect the incident when her friends were visiting probably cemented your lack of interest in her for sure or maybe you tried flirting with one of her friends. She’s unable to communicate what she deeply feels. Ultimate revenge is the next step of feeling unwanted in this type of scenario.

John Beck Ferrer
John Beck Ferrer

I knew this girl from high school also named Sara who also passive aggressive. We graduated in ’09. I’m pretty sure she’s got some BPD or PAPD and is now married and has a kid. We just can’t seem get along no matter how much I tried to be the bigger person. Anyway, around 5 years ago was the last time I heard from her. I wrote her message on FB telling her that I forgave her, told her how she made me feel and gave her a chance to really get to know me better. If she didn’t, I’d… Read more »


Psychopaths of this sort (the official definition of a psychopath is false! It should be defined by the word alone, as in anyone who is mentally ill) should never been granted a positive attitude. They should not be taken seriously nor even interacted with. They are a disease to the entirety of life, given their abundant presence in politics, economy and every prestige-impregnated sector as mentioned in my previous comment.

Passive-aggressive psychopaths should not even be granted basic rights. Their behaviour and existence alone is sickening to those that are healthy and use common sense.


Passive-Aggressive women are almost always whores, narcissists, naive, self-worth serving reality deluders, who think has consequences for them.
You will find most of them in forms of the so called ‘basic-bitches’, psychology students, medical students, law students, other capitalism supporting opportunists and pro-Israel zionists.


Loved the article, Hate the social media share bars at left that usually always block the text, but even when they don’t they’re a most annoying and undesirable distraction.


What if the situation is about a male offering a room to a female i met in church. She was seeking a room be cause she was sleeping in her car. Her bother tossed her out because she would disappear for days with out notice. She the same to me. She does not pay rent, not working nor contribute to food. She will leave early in the morning with out notice and stay out until late at night. She was to be my caregiver. Recently she left for a month. She refused a cell phone. When asked if she left… Read more »

Reply to  david

That kind of selfish bitch goes to church?! Hahaha. Break into her room, take enough stuff to pay for the damage of breaking into her room, throw the rest on the street and tell her to fuck off. Call the police if she doesn’t leave immediately. You’re a MARK. Stop being one. Paying no rent? Involve the police in advance, so that if she punishes you or gets someone to hurt you, it’s not a domestic he-said-she-said conundrum for them. They have a heads-up. She won’t be able to prove rent-payment, so it can be shown to be an abusive,… Read more »


This advice is not for me, I have no interest in the trying to understand and help the maladaptive and cruel behavior patterns of these people. I know what they are- and will have nothing to do with them. I do not want to hurt her, the main one, she is my sister . But , I will not take the blame or be the focus of her hostility. She will have to find another punching bag. She loses a target for her anger. I lose a sister, I once loved very much. It is not worth it anymore. This… Read more »

Reply to  Stella

I have a sister who sounds just like yours. We live on opposite coasts (thank God), and with every visit her disdain for me has gotten worse. Oddly enough, in her texts or emails, she is “normal”, and it’s almost like a lure to come under her power again. However, when I am physically in her presence, she is horribly aloof, critical, sarcastic, and just downright mean. After reading all about Passive Aggressive people, my sister’s behavior toward me lines up perfectly with that diagnosis. With every visit – especially when I’m in her home, I am left with a… Read more »

The Dude
The Dude

Great article…

Goodall Lesley
Goodall Lesley

I have tried in the past to sort things out only to be told ‘I had a chip on my shoulder’ or I was’ suspicious.’ Don’t try just treat them formally and KEEP AWAY.! You wouldn’t drink poison.!!!

S Gaia
S Gaia

Also possible the housemate may have had a form of depression, your response falling hence within the bullying spectrum. Given you have no mental health qualifications or clinical experience – say in psychiatry, psychology, or cortical chakra crystal cupping – it would be unreasonable to expect you to discern a subtler presentation, especially in the years before proactive public awareness. …and yes, I am being ironically horribly passive aggressive on this old post I stumbled across. 😉 Clearly a bright insight lies beneath the clickbait (oops, sorry!). Tack a few twinkles of research via your online audience onto your next… Read more »


Just get away from anybody who tries to suck you into their games. They don’t want to change.


I have been married to a passive aggressive woman since 1978. That’s 38 years of my nearly 68 years here on earth. For most of that time I wasn’t aware of my situation. I was only aware that something was seriously wrong with our marriage. Actually coming to terms with the reality didn’t come until May of 2014 when I had a serious physical and emotional breakdown that I am convinced nearly cost me my life. I can, I suppose, be “passive” about this and think, “this breakdown is something that happened to me” but I doubt that there’s much… Read more »

The Dude
The Dude
Reply to  Bill

The cure? The only mechanism that I know to work, is to show up, bring a mirror, and continually point out the other person’s behavior, while recognizing your own might be triggering them. If they care enough to stay engaged, they’ll still deal you dirt, but you don’t have to let that hurt you. Embrace it…and keep showing up and keep bringing them a mirror to look into. Model your own behavior better, not differently, but within boundaries that are acceptable to both of you.

Kevin Anderson
Kevin Anderson
Reply to  Bill

n the discussion mine is the same 5 brothers only girl.My story close I went nuts too.But I hope she leaves soon,she packs up a little every day.

Reply to  Bill

Take covert evidence, a lot of it, conclusively, over time, and serve her a notice for psychological abuse (criminal now in some jurisdictions). Either that or kill the bitch (j/k) – which is not going to look good, you being male and people who snap after years of abuse and kill and who are FORGIVEN, must obviously have to be female, because of society’s disgusting, pathetic mental biases and misandry.


My younger sister is a passive aggressive and I just don’t know how to deal with it. She is 11 years younger than me and I raised her the first 2 years of her life due to my mother’s incompetence. I love her dearly but she has been very hurtful to me for many years. We live in separate states. She never calls me on her own volition. When I call she will not answer her phone. I leave a message and I don’t hear back. I text her and she takes days to respond if she does respond. Her… Read more »

Reply to  Cles51

Cut all ties. She doesn’t deserve you.


Well I am dealing with someone who is a half sister. We only met 6 years ago. She cajoled me in every way to leave Europe and return to the states and live with her. Because of a crisis I was living through and my age old vulnerability to belong and have family I took the risk. It has been a disaster and I am now homeless being given shelter by a stranger in a totally strange town where I am totally an alien and without mobility. I am an expert communicator and was always honest, open and self revealling… Read more »

Reply to  Globalman

Do what is best for you. You sound like a remarkable person. Do not let her or anyone bring you down. Remove yourself from the situation as best you can. Do not let this change your heart. The only thing you must do , is not allow yourself to be in this situation. Not everyone is like you. Be kind and be good, like you are. Do not be a doormat.


Wow, I’m living with a woman like that at the moment. We’ve been friends for years but it has taken me this long to see just how passive-aggressive and destructive her behaviour is. The sad part about this kind of behaviour is that it only serves to confuse me and push me away from our friendship; it doesn’t make me change my behaviour and love for my life, and it doesn’t make me feel ‘less than’ in any way. I think it’s sad that women feel the need to behave in such counter-productive ways because they don’t have the tools… Read more »


I am a guy, I can relate to this article and I see myself as a feminist. Yet is this issue vocalised in feminist commentary? How do we address gender inequality in terms of an internalised insecurity among passive aggressive women?

Reply to  Pasquino

Try doing it – you’ll see the truth about how much ‘equality’ such hypocrites truly believe in. My narc mother is a ‘Feminist’ and once was actually direct in communication: “You must really hate women” (as if with her abuse I’m the one who should feel ashamed, rather than her, my lying sister and my controlling and physically-abusive ex who treats men as objects to manipulate including her own family, etc). My reply: “No, just the STUPID ones”. Implying that if that’s all of them, it’s their fault. If that’s because stupidity in women is tolerated and thus a huge… Read more »


Oh boy! I had a very similar experience with a friend, at her birthday party, with other friends (hers) around, one of whom hated me on sight. Things changed. In some ways, they latterly improved before finally, after both of them came to dinner for my birthday, with my boyfriend and mum this year, they both jumped ship. Not actively, but no more invites, no texts, no emails. It’s taken me seven months but I finally clicked the ‘delete’ button today. Kinda sad but I do think that I’d tried to be there for them, and there’s only so much… Read more »


Stupid ass INTJ author.

Xiu Wang
Xiu Wang

I have another kind of problem with a passive aggressive friend. She does not do the type of behaviours you have listed, she might have once as we’ve known each other for our whole lives, but I can’t remember. What I have noticed though is that I cannot be around her for too long or I will start feeling bad, and often annoyed for no apparent reason. She will often trash talk other women I thought were her friends, if I let her by trying to understand and listening, myself I have no interest in dwelling in other peoples doings.… Read more »

Tanya Rachel Wieczorek
Tanya Rachel Wieczorek
Reply to  Xiu Wang

She sounds like a very draining person. “energy vampires” I like to call them.


The whole female contingent of my family is like this (aside from my badass mom), and I have had to cut them out of my life. Passive aggression is a form of socially-sanctioned violence, and it’s also emotional dishonesty at its worst. I can’t fathom how this type of cowardly and childish behavior (stemming from petty jealousy and feelings of inadequacy on the part of the passive aggressor) often gets rewarded in the workplace. How on earth do these (mostly women) find themselves in positions of power? What’s wrong with cutting out these useless, resource-wasting charades and being direct? And… Read more »

Reply to  Снайпер

‘My man’! (Or woman? It is possible, hehehe). Well done. Psychological violence IS more harmful because it is the undiagnosed disease that festers.

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