Growing Apart in a Long Term Relationship

I have always been a big fan of Heidi Klum, she’s a busy woman, always doing something, a woman with great energy and a genuine love of life.

So I am sad to see Seal and Heidi divorce; I have been inspired by their relationship in the past.

It is one that has been frowned upon by jealous white men and some groups because of the racial difference. But what I always loved about them was that they looked so passionate and loving. 

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On ‘Growing Apart’:

On another note, they’ve said that they have had ‘the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart‘.

When it comes to relationships, the truth is that, it is rare for any long term relationship to work out.

Not because they cannot work out, but because people aren’t truly educated about how to make a relationship work.

To make a relationship work, you have to know consciously what will make it work. You can’t just do what you’re used to doing for the last 25 years of your life. (read my article about what if he takes your for granted)

You can’t just do what Sex and the City has taught you.

For instance, I spoke to a lady a while ago. She told me about a fight with her husband.

He said:

GOD! You are sounding JUST like your mother!”

She says:

‘Well, what do you expect me to sound like?!!”

It doesn’t work this way. This is her saying:

“Well, I have habits that I’ve gotten from my mother, and I’m set in my ways. Accept them.”

No.

If you want love, if you want lasting love and passion, subconscious bad habits are worth nothing to you.

You have to always be consciously bring MORE love, joy, sensuality, passion, attraction, and sexuality to the table.

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Most of us are ruled by our subconscious

Most of us are ruled by our subconscious, and our subconscious makes up a myriad of experiences and associations from the past.

For most of us, it’s made up of the BAD experiences. And we react to an innocent current event, or a really good current situation with memories of past bad experiences.

This is the power (albeit a sometimes bad kind) of the subconscious. And it is in the subconscious mind that associations with our partner are built.

In the end, it’s inevitable that the man or woman we were so infatuated with in the beginning becomes the person we want to be apart from.

Why?

Because we are not consciously putting in the passion, the love, the playfulness and the time and the compassion to make it work.

If you’d like to know how to build passion and attraction, have a read of my article on How To Create Emotional Attraction With Men.

The ONLY reason Why Seal and Heidi Grew Apart

There is only one reason why Heidi and Seal would have grown apart, at the core of it.

The only real reason two people grow apart is bad associations.

What do I mean by associations?

I mean this:

Have you ever had food poisoning?

Did you want to eat that food that ‘poisoned’ you again?

When I was 11 years old, I went to an All-You-Can-Eat restaurant for my birthday. And, you know, when you’re a kid, you compete with all the other kids at who can eat more (well, at least that’s what we did anyway).

So I got in to the pumpkin soup. I ate 5 big bowls of it. By the end I had pumpkin soup all over my face.

I went home, and felt very full. I didn’t sleep well that night. I kept tossing and turning until amongst the dozens of tosses, I tossed up something unexpected – pumpkin soup.

All over my parents’ carpet, in the middle of the night. They were the unlucky ones who had to clean up my vomit in the morning.

Do you know how long it took me to eat ANY kind of pumpkin again? NOT just pumpkin soup. ANY kind of pumpkin.

12 years. AND – do you know the reason I ate it?

Because David’s (my hubby’s) mum made it, and he was there with me.

So it built up a WHOLE new association with pumpkin. Now, I roast pumpkin, I make pumpkin soup….I LOVE pumpkin.

But I never would have if I didn’t have an opportunity to build up positive associations with pumpkin again, through my positive association with my husband David.

In fact, for 12 years, just looking at pumpkin in the supermarket made me feel sour in the mouth.

And, I had to turn away. The association was that bad.

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Focus On This ONE Thing & he Won’t want to leave you

So what am I saying?

I’m saying, the exact same human mechanism of bad associations occurs in our relationships.

I’m saying that, when it comes to intimate relationships, your associations, and your MAN’S associations matter more than anything else, in making sure your partner never leaves you.

In the first 3 months, IF you’re madly in love, and your partner is madly in love with you, and someone comes up to you and asks:

“So do you want to break up with this person?”

You would look at them incredulously and say “no! Are you crazy!?”

All because your associations are great. He’s madly in love with you, he’s bringing his best self to the table daily you are madly in love with him, you are bringing your best self to the table daily.

So of course your associations are great.

You are BOTH filling each other up, meeting each other’s needs at the highest level, and making each other feel loved and significant and desired.

The associations that are being built at this stage are all positive, beautiful associations.

But, a year down the track, and all the other parts of you and your man come out.

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When Initial Excitement Wears Off, The Nasty Comes Out…

His plates aren’t cleaned like you expected them to be from the previous night. He said he’d clean them.

So you blame him. He feels unappreciated, hurt, disrespected, or worse of all – BLAMED.

What happens?

He thinks of you = he feels blamed.

It’s not so bad if it happens once.

But, over time, these things start stacking. And blame may not be the only bad emotion he associates with you. Now it’s blame, hurt, disgust, EVERYTHING.

This is why we can still LOVE someone, but grow apart.

Now, with Seal and Heidi, I don’t know what their patterns were that lead to the breakdown.

I’ll be really daring and hazard a guess. I say that the most likely case scenario is that the bad associations were partially built up through either one or both of them not feeling like they are being put first by the other. And that was a large contributor to the bad associations. 

Heidi is a busy woman, Seal is a busy man. Both of them have demanding careers. They have a life outside of their relationship, which is fantastic.

But it’s when your partner doesn’t feel the like the most significant and important person to you – when work seems to come before you – that you really start to associate them with different and worse feelings.

And what happens is this:

At the beginning, you were 0% likely to leave your partner.

After 3 years, you are 30% likely to break up with them. But you still have positive associations; enough for you both to get through.

After 5 years, you’re 60% likely to break up with them, or leave them.

After 7 years….all it takes now, is one fight.

One remark of disrespect.

And we decide it’s over.

Who want’s to be in a relationship where they associate more bad feelings than good with their lover?

Nobody.

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The non significance of marriage vows

Many people in the media have been saying that they thought Heidi and Seal would last, partly because they renewed their vows every year.

Well, this is why marriage vows count for nothing, when up against past bad associations. I wrote a post about it once, here.

It’s the daily conscious, compassionate and loving commitment to making each other’s associations positive, and not bad, that matters.

I am also excited to let you know that the Commitment Control 2.0 is already out. Click here to register to watch the Commitment Masterclass.

Leave me a comment below, I’d love to know what you are thinking. Maybe let me know your thoughts and experiences with bad associations in relationships. xox

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