Pleaser Women Always Lose Out – The Difference Between Pleasing and Giving

renee, thank you. i walked in the door after my boyfriend broke up with me and your email really made me feel better. in the conversation, he mentioned the he, himself, is a pleaser and just wants to “keep me happy”, but because of his current circumstances (pending divorce and children) he does not have the inner resources to do so. he used those words. one of our issues has been that i want him to, in fact, stop trying to please me because it almost always culminates with him having kept me in the dark about where we stand, going into a dark place and shutting me out completely. i want a giving relationship, one in which he is not afraid to take space because i do understand that he needs it. when he withdraws, i will not hear from him for days. although i have learned to give him space and pull back a little myself while staying loving and kind, i will also do things like not commit to plans with friends so that i can say yes to him the moment he calls for fear of losing his love. i’m afraid to say no because i’m afraid he will not come back around again, which is ridiculous but i do it to myself anyway. i’m working on my pleaser side as well.

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When I got to this part “Giving could be not having sex with your man at all this time, rather than laying there like a dead horse while he does his thing, like he’s having sex with a blow-up doll or a rigid post.”

Amen – you know I have always said no to sex when I don’t feel the love because of exhaustion or whatever – I tell the man, “this is going to ruin my feelings and burn a negative image in my mind that I don’t want and it will be a shadow of what you want.” Normally, I hear “K” and they roll over and go to sleep depending if they live with me or not….well, oh course they are OK with it because that is the last thing they want to damage – the whole image in MY mind. They want to be looked at only as good in bed, if they know they start off with an unhappy woman they know that can only get worse. A fluffy pillow and well positioned covers are more fun for us both.

Did I get some thing right just because I draw the line heavily on what a man can do to or with my own sense of sexuality?

They can not control me there at all. That’s mine since all my feelings come from me.

What a nice thing to think on this morning

I am coming back later to re-read. I wanted to start my day by touching base here though.

Thank you – I love your work.

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water is the softest element on earth yet it can
move rocks.Think about it ladies that tryn to please
a man or trying to be a man is like changing the water that you are
to being poridge n blieve me poridge doesnt move rocks or
being a rock will robb against your man whose a rock
d atraction wl be lost cos men wants you to be the water
they want to be d one to protect you,they want to feel
like d man that they are “MAN of d house”So b water B a
woman n watch ur feminine energy move men”rocks”
B ur selves ladies n u’l b fine.ITS A LAW OF NATURE.
I LOVE U RENE…we r greateful

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I think the keep hin happy phrase realy mean that you the lady in question goes beyond
you power and even your confort and hapiness to rather
do the things that HE enjoys.That is definately telling your self that
you are incapable,not the best,I think i get your point Rene.

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Hello,
I am just coming out of a relationship that I felt from the beginning was not going to be good. Since I had been out of a failed relationship for a year, I wanted to see where this one would. You know the rest of the story. I ended up pleasing, based on what I know now from your article. He wanted to just be friends, but I cut it all out because I didn’t want to be put in a position to be used by this man.

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Indeed I have learnt a lesson. Each time I’ll try to be pleasing my boyfriend, instead of him to be happy he will not. Pls Renee I want to get that commitment and understanding men but I don’t how to get it. Pls can you tell how I’ll get it. Thanks for what you are doing and God will reward u. Cheers!

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Keep means being responsible for and constantly working to ensure the other person’s happiness. Since happiness is relative there is no way to “keep” a person “happy”. The effort to do something so unattainable is just exhausting. I think it would be better to be the best person you can be so people will want to be around you.

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Another thought: There’s a woman in our church who just wears herself out being a pleaser, doing things that not only are not expected or asked of her, but also doing things that cause problems for others. She makes herself a rediculous pest, trying so hard to please, and so many times the results of her efforts are sloppy, ineffective, or just plain wrong, and no one appreciates them, ever. But she plays on peoples sympathy – after all, she does SO much, and we feel forced into showing gratitude we don’t really feel, and hiding our annoyance at her bad results. I realized the other day, vis a vis my boyfriend problems, that good lord! I didn’t want to be Barb! That was a wake-up call for me. Stop DOING!! Stop being such a put-upon whiner, trying to manipulate people into loving you….. just like Barb. Stop calling, texting, emailing…..setting up expectations that only lead to further problems.
My boyfriend has alot of health issues as a cancer survivor and what I want to GIVE him is a chance at a happy life, with me, but my trying so hard to please him was not the way.

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This was so important for me to read tonight! Thank you, Renee! I’d been going through a period of uncertainy in my relationship, and building up alot of resentment about the things I’d done to “please” the man… finally, something snapped, and I backed off from doing anything for him, and started thinking about my own needs, and how I was neglecting them out of desparation to please. My feelings for him hadn’t changed, but I stopped being fearful of his dark moods, etc., and I found myself in a whole new place, thinking, well, he either loves me or he doesn’t, and if he doesn’t, well, I will walk away a stronger, wiser woman. I just didn’t react to his bad moods, didn’t let it get to me. Boy! Did he react! Suddenly, HE wants to talk about an issue between us, HE wants to spend time together, He needed reassurance. I let him see that a good thing was about to walk out of his life unless he did something to stop it, and he did! I thought alot about how he had taken my love for him as a low-value thing, always constant, always so eager to please, but when I backed off to take care of myself, I felt stronger and more confident, more able to give him what he really needs – a reality check. There’s other fish in the sea….

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Anna C Reply:
December 11th, 2012 at 12:17 pm

You mentioned your boyfriend’s “dark moods”… I think this is a commonality with a lot of men. They seem to go through dark moods, and it can be scary for us women. Mine does the same, and I recently just started walking out of the room when he does it, or going somewhere… when I come back, he is very loving and considerate, and needing of reassurance… just like you said. It’s amazing how men are sometimes.

I think I read in John Gray’s Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus book that when a man is in a bad mood, treat it like a tornado and LIE LOW. This is exactly what we are doing, and it really works. Hope your relationship is going well.

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DEar Renee
this text was fantastic. actually we women often act from a.P…….. way to make our men happy conciously or unconciousely and that’s a real shame and not just women do this some men do the same and it defenitely won’t have the desired consequence.
To me doing every thing to keep somebody does’nt work .this word is dangerouse because it closes his eyes to your true feelings about him and your needs and make him think every thing’s fine with you or even might help him think every thing he asks , you can give him and If and if you won’t be able to please him God knows what hapens. anyway that way does’nt work in any cases.
Thanks Renee for send me such emails
Hope you have greatest time.
xxxx
sam

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Thought to share this cuz it goes so well with what renee is saying.

Except for one or two instances, i was generally never much of a pleaser, especially with men. And before i was married i would always have people interested in me.

What did i do? Nothing really. But i wasnt running after them at all. A bit quite and definitely NOT a pleaser.

In my culture, we dont date, rather we get acquainted to get married so after my divorce(i was married for a few short months and boy was that a big mistake) i literally would have like two proposals for marriage every month.

U just gota know what u want out of life, be upright and confident and yu’ll be alright, even WITHOUT a man.

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Example: when i raise my children, if i raise them from the point of view of doing my duty towards them, given what God has enjoined upon me as a parent, thats it. Thats all i gota do. I dont have to operate from a place of fear.

Same in marriage. If i make sure im a great wife, and ive done my homework to make sure ive married a decent guy, focusing on my job of being a great wife over and above always worrying about my rights, puts me in a position of power.

In that position, giving doesnt stop cuz someone had a bad day. U can forgive and move on. Because u want to please yur spouse cuz u love them but yur also able to keep the big picture in mind which gives u confidence: that being good to your spouse pleases God.

But guess what. When u do this like renee mentions in the article, AUTOMATICALLY u will be coming from a place of solid confidence, because yur pro-active, not reactive.

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This article really made a lot of sense to me as a Muslim. As a person who submits to God, the All-Merciful, the All-Knowing, the Most Appreciative and Perfect i everyway, my religion teaches me that good character and good relationships are really important especially the parent-child relationship, spouses, relatives, neighbors, teacher-student relationshp, and friends etc.

Now here is the perfect example of giving and not pleasing: The deeds which are done to be good to people for the ultimate purpose of pleasing God will ALWAYS bring pleasure.

Why? Because u arent doing the good to a person just for their sake. Rather you are doing it for God the Most Merciful and Most Appreciative.

So because u come from a place of confidence, of not needing a person but rather wanting to do good for them because u care, and ultimately u care to please God which includes being good to people, yur always a winner.

You will ALWAYS walk away with a clear conscious, not being slave to people’s reaction who are by definiton imperfect. Humans=always imperfect.

And if yur dealing with a bad charactered person who is ignorant and foul mouthed, walk away saying : Peace

Yur always the bigger person who walks away with HUMBLENESS not arrogance, with the clear conscious

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Come to think of it, I’m a student living in a commune. Because of that I happen to have come across different characters. I once lived with a people pleaser, and my fellow housemates didn’t like her, I really felt pity for her, because it couldn’t have been nice being her. My housemates were quite pleased when she moved out, it was saddening. I vowed to myself to never put myself in that sad position.

Thank you for the insight, Renee. I must say I enjoy reading your emails, I’m always waiting for them in anticipation. They have worked for me in my time of transformation.

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The word ‘keep’ in keep him happy implies that his happiness is in your (the pleaser’s) hands plain and simple.
For ‘him’ this must surely feel manipulative and humiliating even. I say this because on some perhaps unconscious level he may feel that you don’t trust in his strength to deal with the truth, to deal with things being less than perfect. He will sense that you are seeking your own short-term benefit and not what is really best for you both. That makes it actually selfish on the pleaser’s part.
My only observation with pleasers vs givers is that there are far more pleasers than givers out there I am afraid. Often, they develop mutually satisfying (albeit limited) systems of behavior and if you should interfere with such a narrow mind-set, it is often perceived as a threat. Wish it weren’t so but I am a skeptic.

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“Keep” sounds desperate. Like you’re clutching it tight against your breast. Like you can’t live or breathe without it. As if your happiness is dependent upon someone else. It takes the power away from you and places it in that other person’s hands. Now that they know you’re desperate, they can use that against you if they wanted to.

And someone trying to “keep” you happy feels awful! You look at them and what they’re doing to themselves and it makes you sad. You see this fragile person and you don’t want to be around them anymore because it feels as if the slightest nudge from you will blow them away.

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Rose Reply:
May 14th, 2012 at 9:36 pm

That is true. I used to do this myself with my husband, and it only drove him further away. We separated for almost 2 years, and that was when I learned how to truly give to myself first, and then to others.

Now, we are back together, and he knows what’s different about me. I know he can sense it, that I don’t operate from a place of fear anymore, that I do not live to KEEP him. You can never keep someone. We all have the freedom to live our lives any way we want, with any one we choose. And if you’re mature, you must be aware of the consequences you have to live with when you make choices. But you can never keep anyone like they were pets or objects.

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Keeping for me is about giving what you think someone wants rather than what they really need and is about ignoring yourself and what you need in the process.

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amir Reply:
January 13th, 2013 at 2:41 pm

Hi I like you

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Der wz a time in my r/ship wit my boyfriend wen he stoppd calling me for no reason.I askd him y,if ders any prob or anytin wrong n he said nofing dat everytin wz fine.meanwhile I kept calling him all des while n he had no reason 2 call me back.I just tout I wz pleasing him n letting him play on my emotions,so I decided 2 stop.he didn’t call back for almost a week n wen he eventually did,he wz all over me wit hw sorry he wz n dat it will never happen again

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Cindy Reply:
March 21st, 2012 at 7:54 am

Maybe you should try speaking in English to him, and presenting yourself as an articulate and intelligent woman

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Dana Reply:
May 13th, 2012 at 10:04 pm

That is a very mean thing to say to somebody. Has it ever occured to you that this person may be foreign, or have a speech difficulty? Why would you talk to somebody just as you have? You are not any better by putting this person down for their English.

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Zeny Durano tries to overplease men to win them over. She did everything she could to try to steal my husband, wild sex, money, things and in the end he still didn’t want her. after all the gifts, money and blowjobs, He still stayed where he was. Trying to overplease a man dont make them stay. they just walk all over you and get whatever they can out of you until the next thing come along or go back to what they had in the first place. it’s a shame when a woman is so insecure and desperate that they come in and try to tempt men thinking the man will want them for longer than 2 minutes. i hope she learn one day. i dont please noone but me

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Does receiving equals giving then? Do I receive if I truly give instead of pleasing? I am honestly not receiving as much as I want to and I want to know how or why I am not receiving… Giving=receiving? Is it the right equation?

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Beautiful things can happen if you stop being a ‘nice girl’ and start standing up for yourself. Have a freak out moment and tell everyone how it is. The funny thing is that now people actually see who you are inside, what you care about and why. They have respect for you now. If you put yourself number 1 and value your own opinions and have true confidence, you can do anything. Most of us want to avoid conflict or are afraid of looking stupid or unattractive. But, if you show a guy you essentially don’t care how he views you and that he can’t manipulate you, he will all of a sudden want you more cause you are an extreme challenge. I just told a guy I basically hated him and have lost his respect and he is working so hard now to make that better. How to keep a man happy? Don’t. Keep yourself happy, your *ss and your man will follow. He will value it so much more when he knows he has earned back your respect or attention. It’s not about playing games at all. Just be real and don’t be afraid to act PMS-y. Just be reasonable and have strong values. Don’t allow anyone to treat you badly, to manipulate you, to take you for granted or to walk all over you. Guys like a girl with some spunk who dare to yell at a guy when he obviously has done something disrespectful. Don’t just give all of you like that.

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LadyLuck Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 10:49 am

I mean “guys like a girl who dares to yell at a guy OR WALK AWAY FROM THE RELATIONSHIP when he obviously has done something disrespectful.”

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Mandi Smirh Reply:
February 16th, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Good; I just did that.

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LadyBB Reply:
February 22nd, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Very good advice

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Wow! That was a great piece is insight. Love yourself first and foremost – just because you are you !

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I don’t believe you can MAKE another person happy, so KEEPING them happy is just another illusion. I am happy with another person because I CHOOSE to be happy with that person, or because the other person makes it EASY for me to CHOOSE to be happy with me. So when I was in a (recent) relationship with someone, I kept my focus on making it EASY for him to CHOOSE to be happy while he was with me. I do (now) think that I sometimes stepped over the line into “pleasing” too often….and that may be part of the problem as to why we’re no longer together. Great article! Live and learn……though sometimes too late….or is it?

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I want to keep him- I want to trap/cage/bind him to me.

I want to keep him happy- I don’t want him to be upset
with me, I don’t want to lose him.

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LadyLuck Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 10:51 am

Both are FEAR BASED intentions/emotions instead of having TRUST in oneself and your own values, etc.

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It’s dangerous because it’s impossible to truely keep anyone happy all the time and pleasing sucks. It feels awful and it hurts. It’s like trying to give up energy that you don’t have and washing away anything that is left. It’s better to deny someone than to be a pleaser. If you cannot truely give then the answer is not to. Because sometimes people need to recharge and help themselves before they can really help another. I don’t want to feel awful so I’m only giving when I want to give as opposed to giving when I feel like I have to or else. It really does feel scary when you stand up and say no and risk the chance of losing something or somebody but you do feel much stronger and more in control of yourself and situation afterwards.

A pleaser feels that their happiness is dependant on something or somebody else, a giver knows that they have something to give because they have made themselves happy.

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I was actually thinking about that question before you posed it. Yeah, ‘keeping’ someone happy is not a good reason to do things.. it comes from a place of insecurity (if i dont keep him happy i will lose him), insincerity (if you weren’t worried about losing him, would you still do these things because of some innate desire? if no, you’re not being sincere to yourself) and also, a need to control how others feel about you, which wont work out, because you really can’t. I might as well have used I instead of you, because I am guilty of such behavior big time.

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I needed this… I can be a pleaser. I have gotten better about it over the years… but I still have a little ways to go. I want people to like me… and I don’t want to upset or offend anyone for the most part. I do have limits, but maybe I should readjust them.

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I enjoyed that. I to made that mistake years ago. In the end he dumped me because I was too ‘needy’. Always trying to please him. Like I had no life of my own. And scary as it was, it was true.Sheesh.
Thankfully it did not last long and also I thank him now for dumping me. Was the ebst thing he could have done because it made me wake up to what I was doing.

Nice article.

Stephenie

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The word “keep” sounds insecure in the way it is used. “Keep” denotes caging something as if it will fly or run away. It is being used from a scarcity mindset. “Keep a man” sounds like “if you don’t keep him he will leave you and then you’ll be worthless as a woman without a man!”

I really like the opposite sex but it is difficult for me to leave behind the idea that their sexual attention validates me as a woman. This is one of the ways in which I am a pleaser. Sometimes I rush the physical aspect of a new relationship because I am afraid that he will dump me. I feel really insecure about my ability to attract guys for dating. In a vicious cycle, I never feel attractive or worthy enough for a guy. It really eats at me.

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Jackie Reply:
March 8th, 2012 at 12:42 pm

I used to feel this way, that sex was the best I had to offer so it’s what I focused on — being sexy and having sex as often as possible to validate my worth. And this was in a 5-year relationship, so I wasn’t sleeping around. Just wanted to please and keep my man happy and satisfied. I felt insecure in terms of my worth in other areas. What’s interesting is that we even waited 2 1/2 months before having sex, but it still ended up this way. I would be afraid to tell him what bothered or upset me because I thought it would “pressure” him and push him away. That was a while ago now and I’m with someone else. My current guy and I waited 1 1/2 months, and it’s a much healthier relationship. Just last night he was telling me a story from his childhood about having a crush on the neighbor girl and tossed in the words “her tits and ass”. After he told his story, I let him know that he didn’t have to be so descriptive. I wasn’t afraid to tell him that I do have a slight jealous streak and I hope he would be sensitive to it. We had a good conversation about having refined and polished speech, and he ended up saying that I was a lady and that I make him want to be better. I think that’s what guys want. To be challenged to become better men. If they don’t want to be challenged and don’t want to respecting you by at least TRYING to change (like in this small way), I don’t think they’re worth it.

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This is such an important article, and an important reminder. I so often find myself pleasing rather than giving- seeking approval, even from people that I don’t like or approve of myself! It’s a knee jerk reaction and I often find that I do it without even realising- in fact, a lot of the time I don’ t even know my genuine reactions to a situation for hours or days later, or don’t know how to articulate it. It’s something to work on, for sure, because it’s also a matter of being sincer and honest and true to yourself.

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Pleasing is doin somethin out of fear of loosing once love,out of desparation and the need of something in return while Givin is doing something when u truly care about somebody and their future. Thanks Renee u help me so much 2 understand things that disturb me so much and at times i wonder who would answer me , thanks again.

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That is so true we dont have to please anyone if they are true friends or lovers.

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Completely relate to this, thankyou Renee. I gave in to please a friend recently and I have been depressed about it, I wasn’t true to myself. There was a way we could have done it where I did my thing and she did hers, I think that would have challenged her desire for us to both do things together “on her timetable”. Her inability to do things herself may be a problem for her, and maybe in the long term I wasn’t helping her at all. Certainly she didn’t value or thank me for giving in. Thankyou again for the insight.

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Just spent a couple of days with a good friend camping. I gave into her on something quite important on the morning, and am still feeling the after effects. At the time, I told myself I had to be flexible( maybe we’re both as stobborn as each otherr?) and what is more important, me getting my way or not holding her up with the plans she made? Afterwards, I realzied I could have told her to go on ahead, that we could both devote the time we wanted to. But you know, I think it is her problem about wanting to do everything together? I could have taught her something if I’d held my ground> I wasn;t being true to myself, and I actually felt depressed about it the next day, somethings seeminly so small!! And stil now!

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WOW…what an amazing post. Renee, thank you for so clearly SPELLING this out. Until I read your post I didn’t realize consciously how much I was coming at life from this mindset. I think it’s going to take some time for me to get myself redirected, but, now at least I can get those first steps in. Thank you so much!

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Renee you are so accurate, i am going through a divorce i initiated it and i am trying to analyze what went wrong, it was because my husband took advantage of my pleaser habits and so he lost his respect for me and so treated me unkindly and i lost my love for him because the more i did the more he expected from me and he burdened me a lot even now he says you were doing what a wife is supposed to do.

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Renee you have such incredible insight and wisdom, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece! You are one of a kind!

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Renee Reply:
April 27th, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Hey Megan! Thank You! I’m so glad you have enjoyed it, and thanks for your kind words, you are so lovely.
Renee.
-XxX-

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one of the other comments above:
“They take advantage of us”
If we offer, and they receive it, have they done anything but receive?
in a certain way we have taken advantage of ourselves if we were giving from the place of fear-
we have not appreciated our time and energy, our value, and given it out of fear.
I cannot blame them, if I was the one who made the choice.
and I am the one who is choosing. I can give, or not give. a little or a lot.
Its up to me. which one will feel better now, AND later.

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Thanks for this article, Renee! And good timing too! I looked back on my relationships and the common pattern I saw in each of them was that I wanted to please the guy. I loved them and acted out of that place in my heart, but I also acted from a place of fear and uncertainty that they’ll leave me and it comes out true lol!

I think women tend to please not just because of society, but of an innate need to have emotional security in a relationship and/or friendship. We want to know that we’ll be loved and appreciated no matter what. We want to keep someone happy because it is certain. We feel we have control. In reality, nothing is for certain. I think a good way to start giving is by realizing that we don’t have control or responsibility over how someone else feels or thinks. It is what it is. From now on, I’m going to practive ‘giving love’ instead of trying ‘keeping him’.

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Renee Reply:
April 27th, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Ki’yah, thanks for adding this. You are on to it: nothing really is for certain. Hey, the nature of life is that it’s not certain!
xoxoxo

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Thanks Renee. Pleasing is such a damaging cycle. Ugh, time to turn this around. Step 1 completed: turning down the offer of catching up with friends who never truly valued me (and that I didn’t really want to see anyway). It was hard, but I’m not afraid anymore. I value myself and my time.

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It isn’t your responsibility to “keep” him happy. Is happiness is dependent on himself. We are all responsible for our own happiness.

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Thanks for this post. I sure have been pleasing more in my relationship. Gotta change that.
Renee did you get my message on the ad.

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Renee Reply:
April 27th, 2011 at 12:10 am

I’m not sure what you mean by the ad?

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Jay. Reply:
May 2nd, 2011 at 7:06 am

Ad=advert. I want to place an ad on your site.
Thanks for replying

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“Keep” is the favorite word among clingy people.

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Wow! The answer to my past problems….. Well a pleaser no more! Giving is the way.

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Big thanks Renee,i’ ve been a pleaser for the longest time!! I’ ve done this with my friends and with most men,and i actually ended up being the loser.I got to work on this big time.I am never contented with myself because of the feeling i’ve not done enough.Is she happy that i did that? was that really enough?how can i do more? are they mad at me because i said no? these are just a few questions that keep running through my head.And for sure thats not a life!! and actually i end up losing the people i’m trying to please.At the end of it all i become the loser and hurting more.I gotta stop this,Thanks Renee.

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Renee Reply:
April 26th, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Hey Rita thanks for your contribution. I do believe it starts with you knowing that pleasing isn’t actually going to get you anywhere, in fact, by doing that, you’re actually back-tracking. Like you say, “and for sure that’s not a life!”
Love to you.
xoxo

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Oh dear, i’m a pleaser… what a wake-up call! Thanks Renee. Seriously this is exactly what went wrong all the time. I really don’t want to get out that piece of paper or else this will just get depressing lol. I’ve never ‘kept’ a friend for long i think and i always thought i just told myself it was because i got bored with them. Oh well. Very honest of you to say that this has been your experience too sometimes, and very encouraging to make a start!

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Renee Reply:
April 26th, 2011 at 11:59 pm

Hey, Meike! Get out ze piece of paper! See, ‘knowing’ is not enough.

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Thanks. This was an eye opening article, and yup, I am a pleaser. I play myself and others false every time. I say yes to something I want to say no to. I want to come off as something I am really not. I am not as nice as people say I am, nope, that’s just cowardice and dependancy.
I no longer want to live my life this way. I am tired of fear. Fear of what others will think of me or how they will see me. Fear to stand up on my own two feet. I want to be genuine to myself and others.

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Renee Reply:
April 27th, 2011 at 12:02 am

Ettisen, Thank You for your honesty! Yeah, saying yes to something you want to say no to is definitely something pleasers do often. But hey, you’re not ‘wrong’, and it’s not your fault. I trust you will make new and better decisions, to serve yourself and the people you love most.

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yup, guilty. I have always been a big pleaser, and now I have reached point in my life where I definately want to change that. Don’t know where to start…..

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Renee Reply:
April 27th, 2011 at 12:03 am

Start with the piece of paper, dear Zigma!! (Zigmz? I do believe the name is incorrect)

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zigma pluto Reply:
April 27th, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Lol , yes, you are right, its zigma. I am actually feeling really depressed right now, don’t want to write anything down yet! But I am happy too, in a way, that I saw the root of my misery (perhaps knew it all along, but didnot want to accept)and I can change that and grow , become a better human being. Its quite a challange to stop living the way we have been living for 30 years, but I am up for it. Better late than never. Moreover, its simply impossible now to keep on living that way any more.

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Renee Reply:
April 27th, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Zigma, when you are depressed is the exact time when you need to do it most.
Counter-intuitive? Yes. But will it work? Much more likely than continuing to feel depressed will.

When i read this article i realized , and i am glad to understand that I’ve never (almost never ) been a pleaser but a giver. I have always tried to be myself no matter what ,without being egoistic. Never changed my plans or taken my friends for granted because my boyfriend said he would like to see me or something like that. I have always tried to give the right value to my friends and to my boyfriend as well , and you know sometimes my girlfriends say me that maybe i am a bit inconsiderate towards him, but really i have to say that i identified myself in this article thanks alot Renee!!!

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Renee Reply:
April 29th, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Hey Rhea You’re welcome, lovely, and good for you! Well, we have all pleased before, to varying degrees. Just that some people tend to do it for their entire lifetime. We all pleased to get love, as children, and we all have a stage we go through when we have done it.

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I have seen many “keep him happy” kind of women in my culture and I have hated it from childhood. It feels false, slave like and the dangerous thing in it is that it leads to hater eventually. Men feel it anyway and the inner pressure grows.
Givers can give when they like and despite of clever advices and game playing. Giving always has its answer in the Universe.

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I think another thing that people don’t realize is that we are not responsible for another’s emotions. We have the fear of saying or doing something that will upset our friends or significant others and we don’t understand that they are in control of their reactions and it is not our fault ESPECIALLY if we say or do out of love.

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A fine line separates, but what a difference between the 2. I often tell my honey that a giving attitude towards something makes it a gift we give each other. Pleasing is a response that takes the gift part away, and makes it expected. Say , for instance that he expects I will do the dishes after dinner, and I will please him by doing them-YUK. But if the dish doing is a gift from me to him, then I feel good about doing them and he as not taken away my gift, and he is thankful I’ve done them, not checking it off as an expected chore. I think that in any relationship, if you treat everything as if it is not owed to you, then it allows everything to be a gift, and one remains in a grateful state of mind. Once you cross over into “pleaser territory” they EXPECT it and take away your gift, and start saying things like, “I thought you were going to…” Would you please…
How come…isn’t done yet. Whenever that comes out of thier mouth, it is like having a birthday and saying to a gift giver, “I thought you were going to get me a …instead of this. Sounds like a child huh. Don’t please, give, cuz you want to. Interesting as well, this is a great bellwether. If you find yourself resenting giving the gift, things are out of whack, and you need to stop giving, and make him see that his expectations are making him selfish. I say this from a womens point of view simply because even just 30 years ago, most of what women “give” today was “expected”
yesterday,and men liked having a personal slave. Sometimes they revert or think they can get away with it for awhile. when that happens I like to go 50′s women on him and tell him that me working full time really isn’t in the interests of the family, and that he will need to increase his salary by 50%, so I can stay home, make sure the toaster is polished to a high shine, and all other chores are done by the time his second drink is finished, and the roast is pulled from the oven. Oh, and by the way, back then, missionary position was the only acceptable sexual position, proper women did not suck cock, nor did they have sex during the day. That usually clears things up, and as I pull back from oral-pleasuring him, I usually get a great big” thank you”!

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Keeping to me denotes holding and holding seems fearful. lLove at its best is given openly and I dont feel we can hold it, it just is. I was a people pleaser during a stage. I listened to all of my voice mail requests week after week. Everyone was taking, with little concern for me. I literaly needed a poster boad to retain the to do list for others. Ironically, the few I knew were sincere in their appreciation for me, had few, if any request of me. Some of the takers were very close to me and it was difficult to accept that some may have been preying on my insecurities. One accused me of trying to buy love and that was a wake up call as that was so against my character. My giving spirit had moved to an obsessively, pleasing people spirit during grief. I was trying hold, to keep due to loss. I decided to heal from the disease to please. I took time off from them to gain clarity and much needed rest. I returned restored, no longer a pleaser, but empowered as a giver with heightened discernment. The users had fallen by the wayside, which was freeing. Those who truly loved me for me remained loving & loyal and I am grateful.

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Happiness is an individual choice. There is no way one individual can KEEP someone else happy. That would be exhausting trying.

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This is really nice. I have not heard it like dis b4. Atleast I have learnt. Looks like I hAve bin playing d pleaser role for so long.

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To me, the word “keeping” is synonymous with maintaining, effort, work, responsibility. And while relationships do require effort on one’s part, another’s happiness should not require work. Happiness is an individual experience, even a mindset. One can never fully control or create another’s happiness. In addition, trying to create and maintain happiness for another person can cause a woman to lose focus on herself, depleting herself so she is not the best SHE can be for the other person.

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Renee Reply:
April 27th, 2011 at 12:06 am

Thanks Denise, this is very true!
xoxo

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I am slightly overweight. Nothing elephantine, but still, it could be better. The first situation you described under ‘Giving’ is something I have never heard from any of my girl friends, even the good ones. The meaning of ‘keep’ changes drastically with the shift in viewpoint- they may think they are (or may actually be) trying to ‘keep me happy’, but I (or any other person in this situation) might think they’re trying to ‘keep me overweight’!

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jasmin Reply:
April 26th, 2011 at 7:04 am

In this politically correct age, we’ve been trained to adopt an “everyone is beautiful in their own way” mindset. There is even a very vocal “big is beautiful” movement. It’s no wonder that people gloss over the subject.

Your friends probably think that they are just being accepting.

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Keep him happy – means being afraid to be yourself so to hold on to him – keeping him – changing your ways to keep him – not being yourself etc

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