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Article updated 2018
I can remember a long time ago, my husband and I were talking and I was feeling very frustrated, trying to tell him that I was upset about our relationship was affected when he was in a period of intense work mode.
Those intense work modes can last a while, when they do come, and I inevitably feel scared at some point during those times, because his attention is all taken up, and even the slightest interruption on my part could cost his work. Also, in those times, my usual ways of getting his attention don’t work as well.
He said to me intensely: “Are you saying that you don’t want to be affected by what happens in my Life?”
And I just stood there and his words hit me like a truck. Wow. I don’t remember much of our conversation after that. I spent quite some time thinking about what he said for months afterwards, at random intervals.
My husband is very passionate, and he is that kind of person who never has bad intent. It took me a while to realise that about him, and to trust that about him, because I was around a few people who had bad intent whilst growing up – and after having that influence me and many bad experiences, I did start to mistake good intent for bad intent in GOOD people (have you done that before too?)
Seeing as my husband doesn’t have bad intent, it’s important that I reassure you that he didn’t say what he said in a bad way; he said it in a curious but passionate way, it was a bit of a rhetorical question. I am aware that when these words are said by somebody else, they may come with bitterness behind them – that’s not the case here.
He said it because he knew I was better than I was showing up to be. I like that he forces me to become a better person. I’m blessed. I thank the universe for bringing him to me.
Our Lover’s Problem is our Problem
But when you think about it, this is where we often fail to have a relationship last. We show, through our actions, that our lover’s problems are not our problems.
Well, if our lover is our lover, then we must allow his problems to be ours too.I’m taking a risk saying this, because I know some women will take this to mean that they need to stay with a ‘wounded bear’ to ‘fix his issues’ and ‘help him through’ in the hope of landing him and having him propose marriage.
That’s not what I mean. I mean, a lover supports. Even when it causes them discomfort. A lover can courageously be with you or you with them – even through the problems we think we don’t deserve to be affected by.
What is YOUR Limit in a Relationship?
So what is your limit? Do you have one?
Sometimes, the less often you’re willing to be affected by a man’s problems…the less you will likely find yourself in a long term relationship.
I remember a single woman in her late 40s, who had felt she’d missed out on the chance to have her own children and was hoping to maybe adopt. She said to me “the men were so nice in my 20s….then when I got in to my 30s and 40s, they started coming in to the relationship with issues and they weren’t about me, the issues were related to their ex’s…and I just thought, I don’t deserve that!”
I remember feeling too, that I didn’t deserve to be treated a certain way, and I guess it’s good of her to decide what she doesn’t want in a relationship. That’s strong of her.
Fear, Entitlement and Laziness
But there’s also another place this decision could be made from – and that’s fear.
A pattern of fear and entitlement and laziness.
At some point, we must decide to grow out of our sense of entitlement.
This really is another way of trying to get significance rather than choosing to connect with another human being deeply and passionately.
(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)
True Empathy for Men stops Mistreatment from Men
If you’re scared that you may facilitate a man’s abuse or bad behaviour, I believe you won’t facilitate that automatically, when you gain True Empathy and understanding of the man you are with.
Not understanding men is one of the fastest ways we destroy a great relationship.
The lack of understanding can leave us wide open and vulnerable in a stupid and unnecessary way. In a way that is based on neediness, rather than heartfelt, connected, High Value Vulnerability.
We get ourselves in trouble, and we get ourselves hurt when we get too scared to understand the world from a man’s point of view. Because we can’t help but make the mistake of putting our own reasons on what a man does. We think HE is doing what he is doing for OUR reasons.
They almost never are!
Do You want a Passionate Relationship or do You want Comfort?
So I wanted to ask you, do you want a passionate relationship, or do you want comfort?
Comfort and real relationships only go hand in hand once in a while. I believe real relationships require at least one person in them to LEAD the other in to a world of acceptance, connection, fun and depth.
That means CHOOSING to let a man’s bad stuff affect us – but not in a way that makes you turn around and say “well I’ve been affected by YOUR stuff” – they are the words of a victim who has no emotional resources.
How to Handle a Man’s Life Problems in a HIGH VALUE Way
By choosing to let a man’s bad stuff be a part of your life in a HIGH VALUE way, this is what you might do:
– Take responsibility for establishing the connection again when he’s gone off or hurt by something (even you)
– Really VALUE actual connection, not immediate self satisfaction from holding him at a certain distance or criticizing him
– Using humour to clear the air of (most often unnecessary) tension and stress between you two
– Having Empathy, not complaints
– Being the life energy that you were born as (being all the socially judge-worthy parts of you like: girly, playful, random, fun, and weird)
– Giving your man credit and appreciation for the areas of his life he is struggling with
– Admiring the parts of him that you genuinely feel admiration for; not withholding this beautiful feeling you have inside.
But if you want comfort, maybe staying single will help you achieve that.
It’s up to you!
But it robs you of the life you will forever know you COULD have had.
(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)
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