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Article updated 2018

I can remember a long time ago, my husband and I were talking and I was feeling very frustrated, trying to tell him that I was upset about our relationship was affected when he was in a period of intense work mode.

Those intense work modes can last a while, when they do come, and I inevitably feel scared at some point during those times, because his attention is all taken up, and even the slightest interruption on my part could cost his work. Also, in those times, my usual ways of getting his attention don’t work as well.

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He said to me intensely: “Are you saying that you don’t want to be affected by what happens in my Life?”

And I just stood there and his words hit me like a truck. Wow. I don’t remember much of our conversation after that. I spent quite some time thinking about what he said for months afterwards, at random intervals.

My husband is very passionate, and he is that kind of person who never has bad intent. It took me a while to realise that about him, and to trust that about him, because I was around a few people who had bad intent whilst growing up – and after having that influence me and many bad experiences, I did start to mistake good intent for bad intent in GOOD people (have you done that before too?)

Seeing as my husband doesn’t have bad intent, it’s important that I reassure you that he didn’t say what he said in a bad way; he said it in a curious but passionate way, it was a bit of a rhetorical question. I am aware that when these words are said by somebody else, they may come with bitterness behind them – that’s not the case here.

He said it because he knew I was better than I was showing up to be. I like that he forces me to become a better person. I’m blessed. I thank the universe for bringing him to me.

Our Lover’s Problem is our Problem

But when you think about it, this is where we often fail to have a relationship last. We show, through our actions, that our lover’s problems are not our problems.

Well, if our lover is our lover, then we must allow his problems to be ours too.I’m taking a risk saying this, because I know some women will take this to mean that they need to stay with a ‘wounded bear’ to ‘fix his issues’ and ‘help him through’ in the hope of landing him and having him propose marriage.

(Click here to take the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

That’s not what I mean. I mean, a lover supports. Even when it causes them discomfort. A lover can courageously be with you or you with them – even through the problems we think we don’t deserve to be affected by.

Related Post: How to Get him To Propose and Marry You Without Looking Low Value

What is YOUR Limit in a Relationship?

So what is your limit? Do you have one?

Sometimes, the less often you’re willing to be affected by a man’s problems…the less you will likely find yourself in a long term relationship.

I remember a single woman in her late 40s, who had felt she’d missed out on the chance to have her own children and was hoping to maybe adopt. She said to me “the men were so nice in my 20s….then when I got in to my 30s and 40s, they started coming in to the relationship with issues and they weren’t about me, the issues were related to their ex’s…and I just thought, I don’t deserve that!”

I remember feeling too, that I didn’t deserve to be treated a certain way, and I guess it’s good of her to decide what she doesn’t want in a relationship. That’s strong of her.

Fear, Entitlement and Laziness

But there’s also another place this decision could be made from – and that’s fear.

A pattern of fear and entitlement and laziness.

At some point, we must decide to grow out of our sense of entitlement.

This really is another way of trying to get significance rather than choosing to connect with another human being deeply and passionately.

(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)

True Empathy for Men stops Mistreatment from Men

If you’re scared that you may facilitate a man’s abuse or bad behaviour, I believe you won’t facilitate that automatically, when you gain True Empathy and understanding of the man you are with.

Not understanding men is one of the fastest ways we destroy a great relationship.

The lack of understanding can leave us wide open and vulnerable in a stupid and unnecessary way. In a way that is based on neediness, rather than heartfelt, connected, High Value Vulnerability.

(Click here to take the quiz “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

We get ourselves in trouble, and we get ourselves hurt when we get too scared to understand the world from a man’s point of view. Because we can’t help but make the mistake of putting our own reasons on what a man does. We think HE is doing what he is doing for OUR reasons.

They almost never are!

Do You want a Passionate Relationship or do You want Comfort?

So I wanted to ask you, do you want a passionate relationship, or do you want comfort?

Comfort and real relationships only go hand in hand once in a while. I believe real relationships require at least one person in them to LEAD the other in to a world of acceptance, connection, fun and depth.

That means CHOOSING to let a man’s bad stuff affect us – but not in a way that makes you turn around and say “well I’ve been affected by YOUR stuff” – they are the words of a victim who has no emotional resources.

How to Handle a Man’s Life Problems in a HIGH VALUE Way

By choosing to let a man’s bad stuff be a part of your life in a HIGH VALUE way, this is what you might do:

– Take responsibility for establishing the connection again when he’s gone off or hurt by something (even you)

– Really VALUE actual connection, not immediate self satisfaction from holding him at a certain distance or criticizing him

– Using humour to clear the air of (most often unnecessary) tension and stress between you two

– Having Empathy, not complaints

– Being the life energy that you were born as (being all the socially judge-worthy parts of you like: girly, playful, random, fun, and weird)

– Giving your man credit and appreciation for the areas of his life he is struggling with 

– Admiring the parts of him that you genuinely feel admiration for; not withholding this beautiful feeling you have inside.

But if you want comfort, maybe staying single will help you achieve that.

It’s up to you!

But it robs you of the life you will forever know you COULD have had.

(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)

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Michelle
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Michelle

Renee, THANK YOU for this article. I think this is some of the best marital advice I’ve heard, along with your warning that other women’s talk can be toxic. Whenever my husband becomes too busy for me because of hardships in his life, our happiness has plummeted because I’ve taken it personally and expected just as much out of him as he can usually give, and then if I reach out for support from other women I’m filled with horrible advice and attitudes. My marriage is usually fantastic but the combination of toxic advice and a lack of understanding when… Read more »

Josie
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Josie

Hi Renee, I wish I had known about this a long time ago. I’ve been with my guy for about 5 months, and he recently just wants us to be friends because he can’t be in a relationship right now because he’s stressing about money he needs to focus on work and himself. This all started about a couple months ago, I didn’t realize his money issues were that bad, he seemed fine to me. He did mention a few times he’s broke and that’s why we weren’t going out as often, and I never had a problem with that.… Read more »

Cee-rysse Mcfee
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Cee-rysse Mcfee

Its so true we really doesn’t see those things … I too … There’s really a big difference between men and women and thanks to you ma’am Renee,

rawr
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rawr

i feel like if you have to read an article that tells you to have empathy for a man then you aren’t really capable of true empathy nor care about the man you’re with. it seems more like “how do i get him hooked” rather than “how can i be a better partner”.

Reen
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Reen

Hi Rene, Hope you are well… Your articles are certainly very inspiring and a lot to learn from. I’m kind of running the same wall but I don’t know if it applies to me in a new relationship. I have only known this man for 2 months (3 weeks out of which we took a break) but we have declared love to each other… My fear of abandonment takes the front seat here and even though I am emotionally open to him, maybe I am too emotionally open? His work hours have drastically increased and I’m feeling the decline in… Read more »

rawr
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rawr

what you’re feeling is the understanding that he can do much better than you, and you don’t want to be replaced despite that. there’s no such thing as being too open, there’s only not being good enough. your man probably is testing you because unless you two met as teenagers he’s already been through the meatgrinder. your fellow sisters have planted a seed in his heart revealing the true nature of women. you have to live with the fact that as a woman he will never trust you completely because the truth is if he wasn’t a big successful business… Read more »

Cat
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Cat

So Renee, what do you do if you’re only starting to see a man and this happens where he’s in intense work mode? He’s not making the active effort to see you, but is calling or texting everyday because he quite literally and honestly has important things to do?

Every day brings new meaning
Guest
Every day brings new meaning

Hello Renee Currently I’m not with anyone, I’ve been single for about 4 and a half years. The plan has been NOT to meet anyone until I’ve healed myself of all my childhood to adulthood traumas and built real self-worth. Well I told myself that I wanted to be open to the universe and since then I’ve suddenly come back to life as a human being after I don’t know how long of feeling trapped as human prisoner in my own mind. I think the key to solving lifes problems is to pushing past resistance when it’s the most scary… Read more »

Dianna
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Dianna

You feel like a kindred spirit to me.. 🙂 We think so much along the same lines.. Sometimes though, I find myself moving away from my feminine self of high value, and let what other people think and say affect my relationship.. I’ve been with my man for a year now.. We have a very deep connection.. and he also has a drinking problem.. It controls so much of his life although doesn’t really affect his job.. He has not missed a day of work in 8 years, and doesn’t really drink during the week.. However, on the weekends, he… Read more »

Tara
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Tara

I love reading your blog. For many women, what you have to say should really hit home. I am in my 4th marriage, and by far the best marriage, BECAUSE I use the advice on femininity. My husband tells me regularly that I “radiate” femininity. He also is in his fourth marriage, and tells me this is the first time he has a place in his marriage, he gets to really be a man, make decisions, and lead. He has never felt as good about his place, the ying and yang in his marriage, and the fact that he is… Read more »

Angel-Eyes
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Angel-Eyes

Lol :-D, I love this readers comment, it put a smile on my face.

It’s sweet and endearing about how she allows her man to be the man and the whole set-up between the dynamics of the relationship.

I like the bit best were she’s said something like “it’s much better than Cosmo magazine…”

It’s right!

That’s interesting aswell that both people have been married 4 times.

I guess that throws limiting believes out the window and life is different for everyone and how we all attract certain things in life.

Angel-Eyes
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Angel-Eyes

You didn’t hear it but inside I just made a big notice of omg excitement. I totally love your blog…it makes me feel all giddy inside like I’ve taken an excitement pill, temporarily on some sort of euphoria high. I don’t know what it is but the words seems to trigger my energy levels into a happy erraticness 😀 I lost many people out my life and this is about one of the only places for me where I feel a deep sense of connection that has really helped to heal the of my emotional traumatic experiences in life and… Read more »

rakiya
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rakiya

Hi Renee,really love your article…..thank you so much.

Joan
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Joan

Upon reading this again, I must say I don’t know what empathy towards a man is. What does it look like? I don’t think this is the type of empathy you would have toward a friend, family or stranger. That would offend him.

Edenfelll
Guest
Edenfelll

Joan, it’s same empathy as for friends or family. A man is going to be our family eventually;)

Edenfelll
Guest
Edenfelll

My friend is going through a tough divorce but he doesn’t feel like sharing much of his feelings I wish to help and support him but not sure if its appropriate. I wouldn’t like to go into sister ring or mothering mode. Will it look like that I that I want to “get ” him? We are not lovers yet and I don’t want to pursue anything in a masculine way. I think this issue he is to resolve by himself. I am always kind, accepting and respectful What do you think?

Julia
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Julia

Hi Renee, You’re posts are very enlightening and a wonderful reminder for me. I am a huge fan of Marianne Williamson, among many others, myself! I’d like to ask a question, if I may. I realize that it would be impossible for you to respond to every post, it sometimes appears to me that only the responses to posts that are either highly flattering and/or that confirm understanding of the post are answered or responded to. It may just be my imagination at work here, but if not, is there a reason for this? Please know that I ask not… Read more »

Irena
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Irena

Thank you very much, Renee! I love your articles, and I find a lot of valuable information about men there. I definitely learned a lot! Would this particular advice apply to a situation where the relationship was just beginning? We had an amazing connection, and the feelings were mutual. We started dating – merely a month. Then he lost his job. He pulled away, which I know is normal for a man in this situation. But I wanted to show him that I was on his side, that I believed in him. I wanted to encourage him to not give… Read more »

Cat
Guest
Cat

This is probably the best post you’ve ever written Renee. It really shows that what you are talking about is real and comes from a very real place. It’s good to be reminded that there are ups and downs in any relationship and we need to open our eyes and look beyond our own reasoning (or unreasoning?) at times.

Thanks for such a wonderful post. 🙂

Sofia
Guest
Sofia

Oh, Renee!

Its like you have been reading my mind. You are just in time to save me from a man that is full of stress. Everything that you are saying is like you are describing my situation. You are the best friend I wish I could have, because nobody can give such advice of a place that could really undestand men.

Thank you. God bless.:)

xx

Katelyn
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Katelyn

I wish this article had come out seven months earlier! It had been my first relationship as it was for him as well. We had hit a snag, or maybe I was the one to hit a snag when he had become super busy, consumed really with this theatrical play that he was apart of. I had become upset and scared since in those few weeks had to go to play practice every night during the weekdays and during the day on the weekends. During that time, all I could think was, “But I’m already only seeing you once a… Read more »

Julia
Guest
Julia

Thank you Renee for this article, it’s a great reminder. I do my best to apply tenderness, understanding and unconditional love during times when my man’s energy and focus is all on work. However, when these times become prolonged periods and our life seems so mechanical including our sex life, i can’t help but grow frustrated and alarmed that our life will always be like this. Interestingly enough we had a huge blowout about this last night. I brought up how our sex life and not to mention our social life was greatly suffering from his schedule. I broke down… Read more »

Joan
Guest
Joan

This article is very comforting to me. This time I feel a little scared an lost because he has been working so much and his moods are starting to change. This is a positive thing, they are making him a new boss, but it is tough for him because he seems to be nervous about it and he is drinking alcohol. He doesn’t want me to give him space but I sure need it! He talks about it, tells me the wonderful things about it all, but I’m sure he is struggling too. All I can do is listen. Meanwhile,… Read more »

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