Article updated 2018
If a girl has large breast implants, peroxide hair, collagen in her lips and carries a Chanel bag, is she being herself? Her friends might say, “Oh, well that’s just her! That’s what she does!”
I say it depends.
We’re always told to be ourselves. “Relax, be yourself!”
What on earth does that mean?! How do you “be yourself”? Does that mean dress how you’d like to dress? Does it mean say what you want, when you want, however you want?
Well, it could…
The only problem is that nobody really tells you what being yourself actually means – and if you go to actually be yourself, often you’ll feel that the support from your friends, colleagues, and family may not be there when it counts.
It’s ironic because many of us are taught to just be our precious selves. And then – when we go do something that’s true to our heart, and true to our souls; people often question us or imply that what we are doing is the stupid thing to do, and that it’s not acceptable. (Click here to take the quiz “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)
Wait. Didn’t you say I should just be myself?! This IS me!
So much for that notion.
Here’s the thing: Sometimes, what people are really saying is: ‘Be yourself!’ As long as it sits well with my values and rules, and doesn’t make me feel like I’m less than you are.
See, on one hand, we’re told to be ourselves, and to follow our passion, but try asking any average person – randomly on the street – a close friend – what their true passion is, and most of the time they’ll tell you that they just don’t know. Most of us don’t.
Why is that?!
This is because we have been conditioned in this society to function according to somebody else’s rules. Many of us have lost ourselves because we haven’t been in an environment that supports us finding ourselves. And because of this, your authenticity is limited.
Do what we’re told. Get the best job. And most of the time, we get so good at doing the things that are prescribed to us by society that we lose touch of ourselves and forget who we really are.
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It’s all based on somebody else’s values, rules and restrictions.
Actually, you are a lot more than your school grades, your degree, your job or your ‘profession’. There’s a whole lot more to you that’s even more exciting than any of that.
From a young age, at school we’re told that we have to do this subject or that subject, and we have to go to college and we must aim for this job or that job, this or that grade. And if we get high enough “marks”, then we should go for a certain career. If we get low enough marks, we should go for a certain career.
We cannot be ourselves, because we have to conform. Or else we’re kicked out of school, we get detention. (Click here to download your “Goddess Report”)
And in much of Western society (as with may other cultures), if you don’t do a certain ‘thing’, then you’re not accepted. The same can happen in our families. If we don’t do certain things, then love is taken away from us.
Our family wants us to do something, we do it. Many of us are taught that significance (being ‘important’ – according to someone else’s rules) is how we get our love. And we don’t get love unless we do that, so we do it. Even if we hate it, or it’s not true to us.
The truth often is, whether we’re ‘accepted’ or not, and whether we get love or not – depends on how much money we make, or how ‘important’ our job or position is!
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Consequences of being ourselves at an early age…
I used to love rolling down grass hills at school in my precious school blazer and school dress. I would get grass all over my self and I loved it. I loved seeing how fast I could go. I was being me. I was being spontaneous. I wasn’t hurting anyone. I wasn’t destroying anything. You think me doing that was OK? No, of course it wasn’t. I had to pick up rubbish during my lunch breaks for a whole week for doing that!
One of my best primary school friends (my first crush) loved to run around and jump in rubbish bins for fun. You don’t want to know how long that lasted.
Our friends tell us they love us, but if we go and do something that’s true to us, or achieve something, or say something that makes them feel like they are less than us – they may subconsciously or actively try to pull us back! That’s why it’s so important to pick your friends carefully. (Please note: this of course, does not apply to all friends)
Your family can do this. Lovers can do this.
Now, I know this may seem a bit depressing, but it actually isn’t. It doesn’t have to be depressing because by being ourselves, by being authentic, and by being liberated – we inspire others to do the same. I do videos for the blog, and it’s scary as hell, since I’m I know there are plenty of people who will hate what I do and what I represent. However, there is a real tolerance (or better still: celebration of) authenticity and being yourself when you’re making others feel good too.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Maryanne Williamson.
So, how do you get to that place of authenticity? How do you free yourself and start being who you really are?
There are two ways to start becoming who you really are:
1) Be Spontaneous. When you’re being spontaneous, all the fears and the doubts and the restrictions placed on you as an adult goes away. Have you ever seen a child walk past and do a crazy dance or jump in the middle of the room? This is what spontaneity is. When you’re spontaneous, you’re not being restricted by what you think you should or should not do.
2) Stop acting, reacting, and talking from your conditioning and old patters. When you’re not acting from your old patterns, you are free to be, say, and do who you really are. You’ll also be free to finally let go and feel what you really feel. You can grieve. You can cry. You can scream.
To do this, start by listening to yourself carefully when talking to people, at social events, at work, on the train, and with your friends. Take careful notice of how you are responding to difficult situations. I know for many of you, the scariest times are when you’re dating a man, or around a man you really want to be with. In this situation, authenticity is more important than ever.
Situations where your fear is bigger than ever….and don’t act the way you’d normally act. Just feel. Just stop. Decide upon what you really feel and think. No matter how scary that feels.
Authenticity and being yourself is about being free. You don’t have to conform or fit in. You don’t have to watch what you say or say things out of your desire to please others. You can just be. Say what you really want to say (but not to hurt others).
And please, please, don’t reject others for being who they are. If they like to do something that seems crazy to you and they’re being authentic, instead of judging them, get curious. The more curious you are, the more you are able to learn.
If you are not learning, you hinder the path to finding yourself, because you’re trapped in a tiny hole.
Audrey Hepburn was being herself.
So was Mother Teresa.
Back to my first question:
If a girl has large breast implants, peroxide hair, collagen in her lips and carries a Chanel bag, is she being herself? Her friends might say, “Hh, well that’s just her! That’s what she does!”
My answer is that most of the time, a woman like this is afraid. She’s scared of not being accepted. She’s scared that she’s not enough. She’s scared that how she was born is not enough. She feels she needs to look a certain way, be a certain way, act a certain way, to get love. She’s confined and restricted, and this negates freedom which leads to a lack of authenticity.
By the way, society also teaches us that we are one kind of person. Please remember, that you have more than one, two or three facets to you. You are dynamic. You are more than one kind of person. You are light feminine and you are dark feminine. And deep down, there is a soul, that is uniquely you.
Can’t you tell when a person is acting up? Can’t you tell when someone is BS’ing you? Can’t you tell when someone is telling you something to get you to think of them a certain way? So they won’t lose your acceptance?
Freedom is your birthright.
Please, leave a comment and share with us your journey to being yourself, and share with us what you do to become who you truly are. Thank You. 🙂
One more thing: May I ask you a favor? If you got anything out of this post, if you enjoyed it, please like it, forward it to a friend, or share it. Thanks. 🙂
(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)
P.S. Connect with me on social media!
- Here’s my Youtube Channel The Feminine Woman.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.