How to Deal with Depression Without Positive Thinking

Article updated 2018

I can’t put into words how much disappointment, hurt, sadness and pain I have felt throughout my own life. I don’t know your hurts and your struggles, only you know that. Only you can speak for yourself. (Click here and get your “Goddess Report”)

But what I’ve decided through my own pain is this: it didn’t really matter WHAT the “problem” or “cause” was…it really didn’t, because, sometimes, life sucks and stuff hurts. Even when you like to look like nothing hurts you, and even when you think it shouldn’t hurt you.

It’s true that sometimes life sucks. And….I get angry. And lose hope. I am sure you know what I mean. But the cause of our pain is irrelevant…because pain is always there and is a fact of life, whether we like it or not.

Many years ago, when I was finally encouraged into a path of self-transformation (sounds so airy fairy), I always got fed the idea that you need to “keep moving forward”, or something like that.

Do you know what I’m talking about? Lots of advice on how to deal with depression, or how to get over hurt or regret or sadness, goes something like this:

“just be strong”

“I know you’ll get through”

“talk to a friend”

Sometimes, our best friends can say to us: “oh that person just said this or did that to you because they feel bad about themselves. Don’t WORRY about it.” (huh? Don’t worry about it? Sometimes that advice works, sometimes, it doesn’t.)

Just Think Positive?

Or there’s the age-old advice: “Just think positive”. 

Well, unfortunately, thinking positive does not change the fact that something hurt.

Thinking positive is just a THOUGHT.

But think about having a broken heart. It’s physical. You can feel the pain in your heart.

There’s nothing healing or ‘fixing’ about telling yourself: “that didn’t hurt and all is well”, because, sometimes, NO, not all is well. That doesn’t mean everything won’t end up OK in the end….it just means, sometimes, all is not well. And sometimes, all certainly does not FEEL well.

And positive thinking ignores the fact that things hurt, and things feel bad. Positive thinking doesn’t change how your BODY chemistry is in that moment. Because it’s just a thought.

Unfortunately, depression and sadness is never just a thought. It’s in our bodies. We have experiences, and we hurt from them…

(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)

Depression has turned in to a self-indulgent Excuse

Having been through my own ‘ self-indulgent’ depression – which in my own mind back then meant enjoying the BENEFITS of depression and sadness because it got me quick attention and sympathy from other people – now, sitting here writing this, I believe I have actually come across the cure for depression.

I don’t believe in taking medication for depression, even if you have a chemical imbalance. Maybe, in some extreme cases, medication is necessary. I’m willing to consider that. I am no doctor, but I do believe that most chemical imbalances can be fixed with time and dietary changes AND actively changing what you focus on habitually. I’ve personally experienced that you can change your chemical ‘state’ by changing the habitual ways you hold your body and the habitual ways you react to things.

I want you to know that….my cure works for me, and I believe it works especially well for the majority of women in the world. It has certainly worked for the women I have private consultations with. After using it, they feel lighter, freer and it’s like the pain has disappeared.

Because it’s worked so well for me, I want to share it with you too.

That’s if you really want the cure, of course. Maybe you want depression, and I can understand that. I’m just not willing to settle for that myself, so I hope you are the same and that you take something from my own experiences.

The cure for depression and sadness is to NOT cure depression and sadness

Depression is not the problem. The problem is using depression and enjoying it so much that you WANT to keep it.

Here is what I learned, and I hesitate to say I’ve been successful at implementing it ALL the time, but I learned this:

The only way to deal with depression, the only way to get through the pains of life, to get over the ‘hurts’ you have, is to feel them.

It’s just one word, really.


Remember when your  grandmother told you “never cry over a man”? (Click here to take the quiz “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

Grandma is awesome, but I just don’t find this helpful.

Maybe you’ll decide it’s best not to cry over him, in front of him, if he does something douche-like (something BAD) but even if you don’t want to cry. It doesn’t change the truth.

And for me, with what I’ve been through, I don’t care about maintaining ‘pride’ when I’m alone. The truth is, that whatever happened REALLY made me want to cry. It REALLY hurt. My body knows it. So why should I deny it, especially to myself?

Stop ‘Controlling’ your emotions and bottling things up

There’s a really big problem with bottling hurts up, as a woman. And it’s especially bad for women. And that is that: you start to hold yourself like a corpse. Too much past hurts ignored, piled up. You can’t breathe properly, you sit at your desk all hunched up and eat food and eat more food and then eat more doughnuts and when that gets old maybe you’ll smoke cigarettes or drink by yourself alone at night…..all to try to numb yourself and take away the pain.

Imagine your whole body getting crushed by a collapsed building. Well, that’s what bottling things up can make you look like. It makes your energy weak, and rigid.

Give yourself a gift: stop lying. Stop lying to yourself. Start feeling.

“Keep moving forward”?

Do you believe that you should control your emotions or just “keep moving forward”?

Well, do you really believe that? Or are you trying to just survive because you just don’t know what else to do?

Warning about controlling emotions: You start equating Vulnerability with insecurity or weakness, and vulnerability is neither of those things!

Here is what I learned:

Whether YOU like it or not, YOUR BODY knows more about your hurts than you do.

Emotional pain is not just emotional. Emotional pain is VERY physical. Have you ever felt your heart rate beat faster when you’re worried or stressed?

Have you ever had that experience where you got some bad news, and you felt shaky or light-headed?

Have you ever seen your father or mother stressed? And they let out a sigh every 10 seconds? This is the body reacting to emotions or emotional pain.

Emotional pain will stay in your body if you don’t release it. Your BODY remembers it, even if your mind doesn’t. And it all adds up to make up how you present yourself to the world. Your body is tight, combative, ‘closed’….

I’ve spoken to women who have been abandoned after 5 years with a man, or lost a family member, or miscarried a baby, or they’ve just decided to try to pretend it didn’t happen and gone stone cold after being hurt badly in relationships….and it doesn’t matter if it’s been 10 years, or 10 days, or 50 years after that hurtful thing HAPPENED, if you don’t let yourself be vulnerable and just feel the pain, your body punishes you.

Sometimes, if you THINK you can just get through, and try to look tough, you probably can….on the outside.


But you really can’t do it without also suffering the consequences. And those consequences go something like this:

– You lose your femininity, because you just look tough, and like you could be beaten with a bat and nothing could hurt you.

– You become a fraud, because you’re pretending that things don’t hurt. No, things DO hurt. And, they hurt often! I learned that I had to respect this fact about life. Stuff hurts, and there’s pain, as much as I try to block it out, there is always going to be stress or pain at some point.

– You forget that life IS painful. It’s meant to be painful. It’s also meant to be beautiful, joyful, a miracle….but it’s also meant to be painful.

– You can’t make the best decisions about your health and your relationships, because you’re in a constant “trance”. You know what I mean, don’t you? When we block things out, we go all foggy in the head and live in a trance-like state, like a robot.

– You can’t be even 50% as attractive as you could be, because all the pent-up emotion resides in your body, and the tightness shows! Tight women are…not very attractive, and sometimes, scary. (read my article on how to make a guy want you)

When somebody has done you Wrong…

Now, if someone has done you wrong, or if you feel intolerably depressed, hurt and melancholy, you may not WANT to show it to them, you may not WANT to show it instantly. And that’s fine.

But what you HAVE to do….is find a place to feel. It could be alone, it could be with a dear friend, or your mother or sister. You have to feel. Break down, and feel everything.

Our biggest problem is not depression… it’s thinking that we shouldn’t have problems

The biggest problem you will EVER create for yourself in your life is NOT depression. Depression and sadness is not our problem. I believe our biggest problem as women is believing that we should NOT have problems.

Even worse…that we shouldn’t have deep feelings about things.

Believing that we should not let depression and sadness overcome us.

I believe we really should let it overcome us. And let it overcome us until it’s done.

And then you get to the other side. And on the other side, is joy, whether you like it or not. No one moment lasts forever. Things pass….but only if you honor their presence.

You have to honor grief, and depression and humiliation and sadness, just as much as your honor elation, sexiness, excitement and feelings of achievement.

Here is why:

If you really are hurt and feel depressed, or feel whatever awful feeling under the sun, and you actually LET that feeling HAPPEN, soon enough, whether you like it or not, it GOES AWAY.

The only way bad feelings go away is if you FEEL them.

The Nature of Life and Feminine Energy…

That is the nature of life and of the feminine energy as well. If you let yourself feel, and continue feeling when the pain seems completely intolerable, there’s a surprise on the other side. You feel lighter. More free.

We weren’t made to have a perfect life. We weren’t even made to have a happy life. In fact, human beings as we are today – when talking about our basic instincts – were not originally designed for happiness. Our instincts were designed for something else: survival and procreative success.

That’s a bit boring and scientific, but it’s helpful, if you’re willing to respect that fact. (read my article about how to achieve asting radiance)

The “Oh, what’s Wrong??” Epidemic

I think we live in a society where feelings are made wrong. If we cry in front of people, people ask: “what’s wrong??” Well, in reality, nothing has to be wrong. Usually, nothing IS wrong. Though we like to look for what’s wrong.

Sometimes, it’s just sadness coming up from 2 months ago, 2 years ago, sometimes, 30 years ago.

And whilst people think what’s WRONG is that we’re crying, I believe what’s really wrong is that we THINK something has to be wrong to cry.

Reasons to FEEL?

The silly illusion is that we have to have REASONS to feel. If we cry, there has to be a good REASON. Well, actually, there’s a lot to cry about. And it’s totally ok to feel whatever you feel. The longer you go without feeling it, the bigger the price you pay later on when it’s all pent up.

It is only through your deepest depression that you can come out the other side, and find the greatest joy.

If you numb yourself, soon enough, your greatest dreams will actually come true and you won’t notice it. Because you’re numb.

I believe: we NEED our struggles and our depression so we can appreciate how blessed we are.

One reason I even started this site was because I turned in to Miss Stone Cold Wall. Years ago, I couldn’t cry. Something would happen that would LOGICALLY be hurtful, in my head, but I would sit there, unable to feel anything. Wanting to feel something, but feeling nothing. And do you know what? That turned out to be the biggest pain of all.

I have deep gratitude for my man David who had to deal with that part of me, very early on in the relationship. And he taught me that it was ok to feel. I hope that now, you can also appreciate that it is ok to feel….and feel anything.

I learned just how powerful it is to let yourself feel everything. This is what feminine women are designed for. We notice subtle changes, we feel like death one minute,and can be laughing hysterically the next minute. Do you see many men doing this? No…

The Bad thing about Feeling everything…

Having said all that, there is a problem with ‘feeling’, though.

It’s something you already know, but I know it helps to be reminded of it.

If your core is feminine – if you’re a feminine woman, you don’t WANT to feel by itself. It becomes easier when we are around other people, to feel. The feminine energy will often close up and become cold and hard and bitchy and hateful and angry. There’s a reason.

One way feminine energy is increased is through connection with others. We open when we connect with others.

And I’ve found, we open more with people who make us more vulnerable. And usually, that would mean with a man in an intimate relationship.

If You are Single it’s Tougher…

Which means…if you’re single, it’s going to be hard to OPEN to your emotions, and to FEEL.

But, it works.

It will loosen your body, and teach you to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability is powerful. Yet, it’s intersting how we all try to avoid being vulnerable. Contrary to what we all accidentally make ourselves believe, our friends and a good man wants us to be vulnerable. People can’t connect with you if you’re not vulnerable. People don’t love you for being ‘capable’ and stone-cold.

Men cannot connect deeply with you if you are not willing to be vulnerable.

We all secretly know pain and struggle, yet we all outwardly hide it.

I think it’s time to let yourself feel, and allow yourself that vulnerability, if not for anything but just so you can breathe, and feel like a woman again. Not a robot.

This will make it easier…

I cry a lot more than I used to these days. Both out of sheer happiness, and incredible sadness. 

But, if I ever get to that place of Miss Stone Cold Wall again, I find 2 things always work:

1) Running. Running is harder than sitting, and it puts your body under stress, which piles up along with your emotions, so if you run, the faster you run, the more likely you are to burst out crying. The stress will trigger that. Don’t worry if people see you. They will only want to take care of you, if anything.

Or just run in a quiet place.

2) Put on a song that will make you feel something. Coldplay is usually good for this!

(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)

You also don’t need reasons to be stupidly HAPPY…

P.S  – just as you shouldn’t reject feelings of depression and sadness, you should escalate and really MAGNIFY feelings of happiness.

Just as you don’t need a reason to Cry, you also don’t need a reason to celebrate, or be stupidly happy. For that, also use music that makes you want to dance and jump around like a child for no reason.

It’s funny how people in our society think we need ‘reasons’ to be stupidly happy or stupidly depressed. I don’t think we need reasons for either.

We have a lot of programs and you can click here to get more information about each of these programs. 


P.S. Connect with me on social media.


0 0 votes
Article Rating

High Value Women Group

Notify of
Oldest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments

As others have said, there is a difference between being sad, even extremely said, and having clinical depression. Your advice is usually so wonderful, uplifting, insightful, and on point, which makes me all the more dismayed to see that you – a lawyer by training and a dating & relationship coach by profession – have taken it upon yourself to dole out medical advice. Perhaps it would be helpful to put a disclaimer stating you are not a medical professional and this advice is not for those living with mental health issues or experiencing clinical depression. Too bad Sylvia Plath… Read more »


You’re so right about cold play?
My favorite -fix you
And thank you for this article❤
Its appreciated

Super Janice
Super Janice

I cry with reasons.
In my case, if I cry, then you are in trouble because it must be something happened recently which is not right. For example, people said to me:
“Janice, you made a bad investment with your money.”

But this is not necessarily other women case! Hence, it is OK if they cry without reasons.

Super Janice
Super Janice

“if you’re a feminine woman, you don’t WANT to feel by itself”
I don’t understand this sentence! Can somebody explain to me?


It’s a shame when you can’t open yourself up to the people you love and care about because they don’t offer comfort. I still find myself bottling my feelings because of being told “I’m not trying to hear that,” being laughed at, or being flat out ignored. When I released my frustration, anger, sadness or whatever I felt, I always had a headache afterwards and cried. I realized that people don’t say the right things to help, so I just vent and don’t really take advice it’ll be ok, suck it and drive on, or smile, it’s not that bad.… Read more »


You are awesome. awesome. awesome. Now off to run and cry. xoxo


Aww, I really love this article so much :”). It mesmerises my emotions in a tanterlizing way ♡. I feel so happy and do you know why that is?… It’s because I’m ALIVE :D. Shine bright like a dimond by Rihana (sorry I can’t spell her name) is currently playing in my head. I’m really happy and alive for the first time in years because I pushed past resistance and decided that I couldn’t take any longer not being open and connected to life. I realized that I was behaving out of fear from all the experiences that had hurt… Read more »


Thanks for this article, Renee. It resonated deeply with me. (As did your other posts about feminine energy and vulnerability). Just yesterday I had a talk with my boyfriend of 3 months who is moving abroad to live near his daughter from a previous marriage. It’s one of those things where if he goes we only have the long-distance relationship option, which can be difficult and painful in itself. He told me he couldn’t make a serious commitment to me right now, and that we could continue the relationship as long distance and see how it goes, even though he… Read more »


Just be strong. Well that one I heard all the time. As if I’m not already strong. I believe that the bad feelings do have a job to do and if you don’t feel it then it will haunt you throughout your life. And I hate it if my strength is put into question about it. My ex husband suffered from depression all his life. I was with him for 20 years, and after many treatments and psychologists, I was informed that he will in no way ever recover cause he has no gain from recovery. He gets to sleep… Read more »

Reply to  Joan

I can’t believe people would say you should have stayed with him.
The question is rather, how is it that you spent so much time with him? How is it that you chose him in the first place since he has been depressed for his all life? Why is it that you thought you had to take him in charge?
It seems you forgot yourself for 20 years, renuncing to happiness probably feeling responsible for your husband, guilty if he leaves.
Indeed, you were in a very very abusive situation.

Reply to  Nana

Chose him in the first place. Well he was good at first. And still it was the early 90’s and for some reason it was easy to choose the beta male. They seemed to be the nice guys. They would always be easy to talk to.

When I got married it was for better or for worse. I never dreamed all I would see is the worst.

Thank you Nana.


My problem is not “feeling the pain”–it actually consumes me. I can’t let go of it and eventually my wonderful support system of girlfriends don’t even want to hear about it anymore because I am so miserable. So,question is, what if you’re constantly feeling this pain and can’t get past it??

Reply to  Laura

What do you mean by constantly feeling the pain? And what is it you can’t get past.

Sorry for such a nosy question. But its too vague.

Reply to  Laura

Maybe feel the pain and in same time feel LOVE for yourself.
The lack of love within yourself is maybe what retains the pain.


Hi Renee, I got choked up just reading this article. You dont understand how much this post just speaks to me. All my life I’ve found it difficult to express my emotions to others as they always made me feel like it was wrong or invalid. Even as a child, I would bottle everything up until one little thing would send me over the edge and I would burst into tears. I am now 25 years old and im still like that. I never felt like it was safe to express my negative emotions with my family because they didnt… Read more »

Reply to  Sarah

When you feel sad, just sit with the sadness. Don’t do too much thinking. If you feel like crying, just cry and let it out. If you feel like screaming, scream. If you think about something that depresses you, let yourself feel the disappointment, hurt, pain or anger surrounding the event. This is what I do. Don’t think took much or get caught up in self pity, just allow the hurt to be expressed. You will learn about yourself and what is best for you in the process.


You’re better that any of these self-help gurus, and definitely more realistic. Maybe this is why women are usually expected to teach religion to the children in the family. I love this, and always felt it is so much better just to feeeel or else it’ll just pile up inside you. I never understood those who said just to ignore it or it doesn’t matter, do they really believe that works? And I feel like Miss. Cold Stone woman now, I need to get back to my original self…I’m naturally a person who feels everything and still do, but I’ve… Read more »


“our friends and a good man wants us to be vulnerable” Yes good friends do want you to be vulnerable. A lot of women don’t want you to be vulnerable though. They tell you to suck it up, make fun of you for crying when something upsets you, tell you to stop making a big deal. Or they act you shouldn’t be unhappy because your life looks so perfect. I had spent too much time around friends like this. That’s why it’s so hard to open up to others now after all these years of hiding my feelings. Even now… Read more »


I sort of agree with what you are saying, but real depression – not just feeling down for a while – is a very complex medical issue that requires professional treatment, or in the worst case it can lead to suicide. It is paramount that somebody who suffers from depression seeks professional help. Sufferers are often being told to “pull themselves together”. This article is much more empathetic than that, but once again it gives the impression that sufferers can overcome it themselves by changing their thinking, or attitude to their feelings in this case. Sufferers need to be encouraged… Read more »

Reply to  Mona

not have killed myself without it, but I was completely dead inside. Besides that, I found no joy in anything. I would cry, scream, feel feel feel, let it out & tried dietary changes, cleanses, exercise, spontaneous adventures, socializing, yoga, and therapy, and to be really really honest with you, I don’t from what you have described think you have experienced chronic depression which I AM GLAD FOR YOU IF NOT! That or perhaps, you are in denial? I doubt that, because you seem so in touch!! But anyways, I’m just simply writing this not that any of what you… Read more »

Reply to  Mona

I completely agree to this…I really do value your words, Renee. I have always had chronic depression. I am medicated (against what I really wanted as I prefer to not take chemicals into my body ideally), but to be so rigidly against medication is such a scary idea…in many ways, medication has saved my life. I maynot have killed myself without it, but I was completely dead inside. Besides that, I found no joy in anything. I would cry, scream, feel feel feel, let it out & tried dietary changes, cleanses, exercise, spontaneous adventures, socializing, yoga, and therapy, and to… Read more »


Wow! Finally someone to agree that it’s ok to be sad! I’m so sick of the it will be oks, chin ups, smile etc. I feel like being sad and being sad for a short while makes it better in the end! I don’t want to be better yey


Very very good article… Though I think there is an important fact we need to point out : We usually don’t show our pain, or our intense emotions because often, when you do so, people think you’re weak, treat you with less respect after and would even throw your past pain/cry in your face and how vulnerable you were if they feel someday angry/jealous about you because now things are going ok and you appear like you control your life etc… So yes, unfortunately, it is definately wiser to let our emotions flow when we’re alone. Worse is, sometimes, even… Read more »


Beautiful 🙂 what do men do when they numb themselves eith drugs or alcohol? Do they also eant to feel or is it expressed in a different way?


Thank you Renee, this is indeed a powerful truth. It`s one of the most important things to learn as a woman-i am learning it now and allowing it to happen and it`s life-changing!


Renee, as a young woman I can’t thank you enough for the advice you have given in this article. I made myself feel everything from both extremes of happiness and sadness without worrying, because by letting everything go, its like im giving myself the freedom to deal with the problems in a more rational manner. Thank you.


Renee, I read your article about depression and positive thinking. I quietly cried as I read it. There is a depth of depression for some women which I wonder if you have been aware of. Maybe there should be an article called “Single Women and Depression”. It is in a very painful, dark, world of feeling sad and alone which I believe differs from your depressive experiences while having a supportive companion in your life. The following is what a typical week can be for me,maybe others: You do not hear the sound of your voice until, after 4 days… Read more »

Send this to a friend