© The illegal reproduction of any content in the articles on TheFeminineWoman.com in part or in full is punishable by International law.

Article updated 2018

“Isn’t SHE Pretty?” He Said…find out this woman’s story by reading her email below

This is a question from a wonderful reader who is just lovely. If you have some input for her, and if you have anything you want to tell her, it is much appreciated! Please leave your comments on the situation in the comments section below the post.

“Hey Renee, I’ve been a longtime reader and subscriber of your blog and newsletters! I also got the 17 Attraction Triggers and they’ve been a huge help with my confidence. You’re doing a great thing and hope things are going well for you. 🙂

I have a question. I’m really scared to ask because I don’t want to seem annoying, but it’s something that I’ve had trouble understanding for like…YEARS and I tried other advice that didn’t really help. So it’d be nice if I could fix whatever I’m doing wrong.

So…I’ve been having a hard time understanding why my ex still thinks highly of his ex and trashes me a lot. To give a little background, we’ve known each other since high school (we hung out with the same group of friends).

(What is the ONE thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! Click here to find out right now…)

We lost contact then met again years later and started dating. We lasted for 4 months. Things went fine at first, then stuff got in the way. Eventually he met with an old friend from years ago. He told me she was a good friend. He invited me out with them. Well, when I met her, she was pretty shy and didn’t look me in the eye.

So we get to subway. During that time, he would say how pretty and awesome she was. He had me go out and check to see if they were open. When I came back out they were having a great time. She wasn’t so “shy” then.

So we go in, order, I pay for the stuff. She was hanging onto him and whispering in his ear as he ordered her sandwich. I knew something wasn’t right but because by that time he said I made a big deal out of stuff and that I was crazy and negative all the time (for calling him out on things that got him and me in trouble)… I didn’t want to look that way so I didn’t say anything.

He then had the audacity to ask me, “Isn’t she pretty?” and she was smirking. Then he asked, “Don’t we look alike?” He said they were blood cousins. I knew he wasn’t telling the truth but again I got scared. I didn’t say anything all the way home. He said, “Thanks for making her day.” I don’t recall saying much. I was pretty silent. Come to find out, he was cheating on me with her. And told all my friends how bad of a person I was and saying how wonderful she was.

They aren’t together now but he still thinks highly of her even though she hits on his friends, caused him to get beaten up (because other guys wanted her), and basically lose his friends. So I thought maybe I was just a bad person and so I began to just not say anything that bothered me.

A recent example, I dated this guy. He just got out of a 5 year relationship…2 kids…we hit it off. He still keeps in contact with his ex so he can stay updated on his kids.

Anyway, we hit a snag because I began to get scared that he was still in love with his ex. So I would get insecure and negative especially because he’d bring her up all time. And it wasn’t just about the kids.

It was about how he paid for her nails, her pregnancy, how she was, how she hurt him…all that stuff.

He confirmed my suspicions when I got angry and said he was still in love with his ex. He was silent. That scared me. So I began beating myself up saying I was a loser and just a distraction.

He then deleted and blocked me off facebook. I’m on bad terms with all my exes, except 1. I believe it’s because I’m insecure but I also believe that at times it was for good reason. I get very scared that any guy will leave me and that’s where it comes from. Because that’s all I know.

The minute I have a bad moment I’m gone. The next girl can get away with that and he falls for her more. I just feel like a terrible person.

Sorry about how long this is. I want to change.

Thank you.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> MY ANSWER

Hi Kylie,

You are lovely. You are kind, gentle and non-demanding. And no, you are not a bad person and you are not annoying.

Now if you can, answer me this: is that ALL you are? (Click here to complete the quiz on “How Feminine Am I Actually”)

What if I told you, you’re an ass-scratching, money-grabbing, flaming, USER of a bitch?

What if….I told you that you are insensitive and think you’re God’s gift to men? I know. You probably won’t feel as comfortable with that. Which is why I’m saying these things to you.

You need to swing the other way. Go from quiet girl to flaming bitch, somehow. Yes, somehow. But I’ll get to that. And I’m not talking about the principles in ‘Why Men Love Bitches.’ I’m talking about something else.

You know what I used to think? I used to think I should be nice (I never really was nice actually, I’m a giving person, but I’m far from nice, but I still thought I should be nice and thought I was coming across as nice).

The problem is….the WORLD we live in is not always nice. Especially the dating world. We need good knowledge and skills to navigate the dating world. (Click here to take the quiz “Am I dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”) I don’t say this to be negative. I say this because it’s the truth.

We live in a world full of human mammals, barely able to meet their own needs and understand themselves, let alone take care of you or the other people around them. Most people are lost in their own world and have no idea how other people are feeling or how they are affected by their actions.

This doesn’t mean there aren’t amazing people out there who WILL take care of you. There definitely are. But they are not the rule.

Now, 99% of our human DNA is EXACTLY the same as that of Chimpanzees. That 1% of what’s different about us is still large, but the 99% is even larger wouldn’t you agree?

Happier When Other People Think They are Better Than You??

Now, in human mammals, every new interaction and friendship or relationship, very quickly, when two people come together or meet, there’s a subconscious, under-the-radar sussing out going on. You know what that sussing out is? It’s us working out who is going to be the dominant one in the relationship, and who will be the submissive one. Now, this doesn’t mean that you always MAINTAIN these dominant/submissive roles, and we can all sure get past that. But you are not yet past that, which is why I bring this up.

You’re putting yourself in the submissive ‘you’re better than me’ role straight away, and REPETITIVELY. And in your case, it’s a ‘I’m happier when I’m less than you’ submissive role. It’s a ‘I’m happier when I let you control what I think of ME’ submissive role.

See, submissive in this case doesn’t mean you get dominated by a man in bed, it just means, the other person has more influence over you in the interactions than YOU have influence over you. Which is definitely the case in at least MOST of your relationships, and I can tell just by reading your letter to me.

How do I know?

1) because I’ve worked with hundreds of women from across the world with a similar problem;

2) from a number of things you said in your letter. One of them this: “So we go in, order, I pay for the stuff.” Why are you ordering the stuff? Why are you paying for the stuff? I don’t care if they pay you back, the question is why are you in that ROLE? The role of DOING things for a couple of loser- ish doikswotches? (just a random word I made up months ago, hope you don’t mind).

3) You LET a man tell you that you’re the crazy one causing all the troubles. You ALLOW him to speak to you like you are the bad person. You are NOT the bad person, and anyone reading this can tell. (Plus being crazy isn’t so bad…)

It’s SO hard sometimes when you get stuck in a situation, it’s hard to SEE for yourself, what is REALLY going on, unless you have a giving and honest friend, or unless you really stop and step outside your own body and have a good look at yourself. I know, I had to go through this. It’s part of being human.

Listen – if you’re a woman are you’re a feminine woman by nature, you are going to be crazy. At least to men. Because men don’t see the world the way you see the world, and because a masculine man may not get upset where you would, he thinks you’re crazy, but that’s NO reason for him to blame you.

Further – it’s DEFINITELY no reason for you to LET him control your own thoughts about yourself like that.

If it makes you feel better, I’ve done far crazier things than you describe here. and I’m fine with it. Even if people think I’m the bad person, I’m fine with it. Because I know a woman is not alive if she doesn’t let herself be crazy.

The pushing down of the crazy leads to a dead and unattractive woman. You know, the masculine, rigid women you see walking down the street who can’t smile?

Sometimes, when you suppress it enough, the expression of your frustration becomes pathological and it becomes abusive. And I can’t stand it when women are abusive.

Now, it’s my turn to ask YOU a few questions:

What feels so safe about being the person who goes and gets ‘the stuff’ while they are farting around?

What feels safer about being the submissive and quiet person in this situation?

Something about doing that meets your needs. We need to find out what it is. Or you do.

Now, the women reading this think you’re the nice one in the situation. And I know why; you’re a beautiful soul, you mean no harm and you want to do right and be the GOOD person in a relationship, and I honour you deeply for that and I’m grateful for people like you in the world.

But there’s something else I also know…and that is that, you’re not all that kind and good….as well as being kind and good.

At the end of the day, as nice as you are, as submissive as you are, you’re still doing whatever you can to meet your own needs and to get what you want out of a situation – and this is the way you’ve learned how to do it – by letting others control the way you see yourself.

ONLY, here’s the problem with what you’re doing: it is upsetting you – and it adds no value to the people in your life. You’re becoming the woman people kick around and leave in the dust. But the catch is – you want to be there.

Otherwise you would have changed already. Your statement ‘I want to change’ indicates to me that you KNOW you’re causing your own problems (we are all causing our own problems, mostly), yet the way you wrote ‘I want to change’, is not strong enough!

Saying you ‘want’ to change is like a human being who weighs one tonne about to die, saying ‘I want to get up off this couch’. Near impossible. It’s not in your body, it’s a lazy statement.

You can’t change, unless you decide this and start focusing on this: Being the kind, un-annoying, sweet and wonderful and agreeable person who lets others tell me how I should feel about myself is NO LONGER THE WAY I will meet my needs.

Again, you can say that in your HEAD – but it won’t change anything. You need to get OUT there and do something different.

Showing up in Neutral Energy, not Feminine Energy

Here’s what you need to do differently: We’ve discussed the first part of your problem. Now to the second part: You’re actually showing up in neutral to masculine energy in your interactions with men.

I can feel that very clearly in the way you write. The reason that doikswotch of an ex-boyfriend of yours asked you ‘isn’t she pretty?’ in front of you, is not only because he’s a sick bastard (at least at that moment he is), it’s also because some part of him is trying to scream out “I WANT FEMININE ENERGY!! I’m not attracted to you!” The other girl isn’t prettier.

Even if she is in HIS mind, she may not be in another man’s mind. Now, who cares that he’s not attracted to you? I don’t. And you shouldn’t either, ideally. You don’t want a man like that (or maybe you do).

I’ll assume you don’t, which is why you’re emailing me for help. I’m SO glad you got the 17 Attraction Triggers, they are a great starting point to bringing out more of your feminine energy. And better still that they are helping you feel more confident.

Now for moving away from your neutral energy, you’re not only not showing up as feminine as it seems, you’re showing up as very blaze and ‘in the middle’, showing up as more androgynous than feminine or masculine.

Neutral Energy and avoiding being the bad person

You’re being silent and AVOIDING being the bad person. Do you know what happens when we avoid being the bad person? We spend most of our daily physical and mental energy (unknowingly) PUSHING down that darkness inside of us, and it becomes like a disease. There are other feminine, emotional, dark parts of you that are waiting to be expressed.

(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)

The Tigress vs the Tortoise

You can’t be a tigress inside and pretend you’re a tortoise. A tigress is young and fertile and expressive and takes what she wants, for her and her cubs. A tortoise is cute but neither cuddly nor particularly non-cuddly. It just is. A slow, aging cute little creature that doesn’t do all that much but hide in its shell when something threatens it. 

I’m not sure how you grew up. Maybe you were told ‘children should be seen and not heard’ and took that quite literally. Not every child reacts the same way to being told that.

Maybe you learned that the only way to feel safe and to survive would be to be agreeable and dull yourself. The thing is, feminine energy is not dull. And dullness is not attractive – and the less attractive you show up to be, the less choices in men you will have.

You CAN have any man you want. That’s the truth. But it can’t BE the truth in your reality when you show up as dull and less than you could be. Your exes were a reflection of you. They were just as fearful as you and just as untrustworthy as you.

You may be agreeable, but because you weren’t holding your own, you weren’t trustworthy; you weren’t making for the best partner you could be. But here’s the bigger problem? You’re not dull.

You’re waiting to burst inside. So I ask ‘when is now a good time to burst?’ There are a few ways you could do this:

1) Go around yelling at people. I don’t recommend it. This is abuse, rather than really getting all the ‘stuff’ out.

2) Think back on ALL of those past memories where you’ve felt taken advantage of, dismissed, laughed at or humiliated. They create blockages in your body and in the expression of your feminine energy/feminine flow.

When you go back to them, feel all the pain associated with them and let it come out. If you need to (as we women often do), sit down with a friend and talk about it – even argue about it. Sit down with a family member – when you argue about it, or talk about it, it forces more of the negative blockages out and forces you to cry and splutter and do ALL the things you wish you had done IN THE MOMENT when you felt so hurt by those people in the past (like your ex-boyfriends).

3) Identify with the part of you that is the Tigress. A good starting place is to watch Penelope Cruz in ‘Vicki Cristina Barcelona’. She’s what most women sit and admire but are too afraid to be.

You don’t have to stab a man like she did. Though I doubt Javier Bardem minded THAT much, he was still speaking highly of her after that incident. But she is an extreme example of feminine energy expressed as it is, with no boundaries.

She may be too extreme for you; I get that. But you need it. You need to go there for a little while, just to CHANGE the physical and biological state you’ve kept yourself in for so many years.

More than anything, you NEED to be uncomfortable. Being submissive and thinking poorly of yourself is comfortable now. It’s your equilibrium. Why not try giving a man your bitch face? Why not try being a bitch to your exes? That could mean ignoring them and moving on.

In fact, to me, that’s not even bitchy. But for many women, ignoring someone is too insensitive. When I say bitchy, I mean, do something that you would normally think is too harsh or too insensitive.

See, your exes might try and take from you, as they have been able to do in the past because you’ve let them.

Your task now is to break that pattern so strongly that you are uncomfortable, even scared. It’s a good thing to be scared and uncomfortable when you do this, it means change is starting to happen.

4) Learn more about feminine vulnerability. This is something I’ve discussed in my free newsletter, so go back to some old emails, read some of my posts, or you can learn about it in my programs Understanding Men or Commitment Control.

When you’re ready, why not join us in commitment control?

There is a wealth of information, and many, many more answers to dark and light feminine energy in there. There is also a lot on getting men to take care of you and commit to you. We also teach you more about showing up in your feminine vulnerability and encouraging a deep devotion and commitment from almost any man.That’s why we created the program, because my man and I hate to see women staying with crappy men for all the wrong reasons. You can watch our Commitment Masterclass and learn the three words that will make your man commit.

Do you have something to say to Kylie? If you do, it may be a great help! Let us know your advice and thoughts in the comments section below. Your thoughts may help many women reading this.  Xx

email_polaroid

P.S. Connect with me on social media.

 

51
Leave a Reply

avatar
37 Comment threads
14 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
35 Comment authors
Jessica WViki SamojaJessicaJanChelle Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
newest oldest most voted
Notify of
Viki Samoja
Guest
Viki Samoja

I don’t think submissive is the right word here, after all Renee, you talked about submissive before in completely different context, so this may be confusing to some readers. What i think the OP is is passive, and also she is with a leach, i say get out of that relationship, i never heard anyone converting a leach, leaches prey on insecure and passive persons (of both sexes) because that way they are less likely to be exposed, just dump him and find a good man for yourself.

Jessica
Guest
Jessica

The man clearly does not respect you or anyone else in this situation. Kylie dump that sorry excuse for a man and get another man who will respect you whether you’re cool or act a fool to demand respect. A man will do what you allow him to do.

Jan
Guest
Jan

Hi Kylie! I really can relate to your history and, actually, thank you a lot for sharing it with us! Renee, your answer was amazing and I could see myself in several parts of the text and quite often I was saying “A-ha! That’s the point!” 😀 Maybe, yes, I’ve been passed all my life trying to be nicer, kinder, a better person… Trying just to be perfect. And it is so deep grounded on me since I don’t remember when I was a little girl trying to catch my father’s attention and love, that it became like a part… Read more »

Chelle
Guest
Chelle

Hey! I don’t know if this question has been answered already, and it’s not to the same degree this lady is on, but how do you feel about the man in your life saying that another woman is pretty in your presence? Should this be a concern?

Max Millar
Guest

I mean this with your best interests at heart and with compassion. But I am guy. And I know how guys think. And I know how guys date and all the strategies guys employ to get what they want. I have dated a bit and I have been married and divorced, so I have seen enough of the mating game to know how to read guys What I can tell you is this: the best thing you can do is dump this dweeb. He clearly doesn’t respect you. It’s a classic case of mind games to make you feel inferior… Read more »

Jan
Guest
Jan

Thanx, Max! It’s always good to read the male point of view! And, yes! You are right! He is a dweeb.
But in my experience I’ve observed that any man can be a real prince or a dweeb, depending on the way the woman reacts and treat him… Is it right?

Sofia
Guest
Sofia

Hi, Renee! I received an email regarding this letter. You dont know how much this has helped me. I can totally relate to her. I follow another coach. This coach is always on FB. I adore you, but I know you are always busy, so most of my time I read her on FB, but you are number one to me! I know you disappear on us, but I know you have a wonderful son to take care of. 🙂 The thing is, this coach is always telling to her readers to be drama free and not be crazy bitches… Read more »

DixieF
Guest
DixieF

Dear Kylie, I feel bad that you have gone through so much. It’s terrible to be invalidated by anyone, let alone an ex-boyfriend. First, stay away from men like him. Men who don’t respect women are not worth spending a second with; and they won’t change. Narcissists just don’t. I disagree with Renee on some points though many are really good. I think that ever being a bitch is beneath us as women. It’s not feminine..ever. It demeans us. It would be much better for you to just never have anything to do with that guy or anyone else like… Read more »

Margaret
Guest

Hi Kylie, I think you should just continue being the nice sweet person you are, l now its fustrating I’ve been there. I stayed nice sweet and kind as l could and after 33 years of my life l met my husband witch adors me, trully cares about me, and loves me. And after 7 years ove marriage and 3 kids he refuses to leave me. I never made him prove anything to me my husband ended up being the type of man l needed in mylife. I’ve cought my husband speeking very highly of me on severial occasions. I’ve… Read more »

nurse99
Guest
nurse99

Renee – your truely amazing and love the straight up advice you give!!

Kylie – I know only too well what’s it’s like to be a pushover at times but you know what – you only end up hurting yourself – stay strong and true to your beliefs and values because at the end of the day you have to stick to your guns and go after what you want, and blow compromising yourself or settling for anything less than you deserve!!

Dan
Guest
Dan

This situation is really simple. The woman you’re talking doesn’t have boundaries or doesn’t enforce the boundaries she has. It would be best if she defined her boundaries (things that are acceptable, and things that are not acceptable) on paper. She then needs to have a sit down conversation with her man expressing these clearly, calmly, and confidently. Statements should be very specific and direct. Here’s a script: I’ve noticed you say bad things about me in front of other people. I don’t appreciate that, and I would appreciate if there is something you want me to know or something… Read more »

Pri
Guest
Pri

DoikSwotches! I just stumbled onto your website & i find it very engaging & useful to where I am in my life right now. But let me be really honest with you Renee… … … … DoikSwotches is the CUTEST thing i’ve come across in a long time – its so cute i’m officially going to use it among my friends… and err… i may not give you credit for it… that prolly makes me a bitch… but i think with an insult as cute as that, even the most commitment phobic alpha will be begging to be my man…… Read more »

Holly
Guest
Holly

Awww, this is a lovely sentiment Renee. My entire life times been spent in scilence accompdating to other people’s needs above my own. Well I can gladly say that I’m no longer happy with that setup in my mind and that I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to change my disposition in life. To summarize the event that have taken place in my life recently are, I’ve been recieving psychological help, mostly on a weekly basic since April this year. The psychologist word’s to me were that I’m acomodating and devalue myself. Now I’m actively taking actions into changing… Read more »

somegirl
Guest
somegirl

Dating is like a popularity contest. If a real High-Value woman isn’t around, men will flock to the girl that acts like she’s high value . It doesn’t matter if she’s mean, vicious, cheats on her man, has an I.Q of a fly…if she walks around with that sense of ” I’m the most irrisistable thing”, the man cannot help but overlook the nice girl.

Deepa
Guest
Deepa

Hi Kylie, i was once upon a time like u, my life changed when i invest time and effort on me..i started my hobbies tennis, dance class at the age of 40, enjoyed genuinely with my girl friend and other good male friends and their wife’s and kids, just didn’t bother what my husband said ( i had to preserve the marriage as kids would have got hurt otherwise) , eventually, when i came out of my cocoon, my bubbly personality outsmarted his back biting, he left with no option but behave nice to me, offcourse yes the scars in… Read more »

Neferyuya
Guest
Neferyuya

One thing is if you find a good man – you certainly do not want to be acting out, or projecting
problems from the old relationship onto the new relationship with a new totally innocent man.

There are good men. If there are good women – there are good men.

So, self reflection is a must before moving on into some thing new at least for the self
inventory value.

Teagan
Guest
Teagan

Kylie, I have had similar experiences and worse, far too embarrassing/painful to write trust me! And Renee, I love what you had to say, it hit the nail on the head for me so THANK YOU!!! And you know what? I think it’s time to look at these negative experiences in a different light. Could you have found a man out there, also living in his neutral energy? Someone to play it safe with? A male tortoise? Yes! There are tons of women AND men out there, living neutral lives together. I’m sure you know some couples like this. I… Read more »

Teagan
Guest
Teagan

(Just to clarify: I wouldn’t rather be with someone who treats me like crap, what I MEANT was I would rather have learned the lessons I have learned, than to have gone my whole life as a “tortoise” and not even realizing it!)

Rochelle
Guest
Rochelle

I can relate to this as well, Kylie. It’s impossible to be nice and agreeable all the time while also being authentic and treating yourself well. You do have set boundaries in relationships and friendships too. I was overprotected by my parents, mainly by my father and raised to be afraid/not easily trust anyone that was outside us. So because I was fearful, I tended to go out of my way to please people… there were more situations than I’d like to remember where I stuffed my feelings down and acted “nice” I grew to realize it wasn’t only my… Read more »

Niki
Guest
Niki

Thank you Renee for being the wise fairy godmother so many of us need. Reading this letter brought back painful memories for me. My ex once said to me that he’d never date another beautiful girl because they were all users. He preferred average girls like me. I was so hurt that I just sat there in silence. After breaking up with him, I took a long break from men and worked on myself. This is what you need to do. Learn to love yourself and surround yourself with positive people. Take courses like what Renee offers and do some… Read more »

Maria
Guest

I went through the program Understanding Men with Renee and David, and at the end of it, what kept going through my head over and over (as well as saying it and writing it again and again) was, “I GOT IT WRONG!” I got it wrong when it came to men (and other stuff), and now when things are not going the way I expect or desire, I ask, “What am I doing wrong?” In the past, I always chose the wrong men, men who made it perfectly clear that they were not available for anything beyond the casual so… Read more »

Dawn
Guest
Dawn

Maria – I LOVE what you just said – you definitely have it right. I should have listened SO many times to my inner radar which told me something wasn’t right, but I kept on investing in men who weren’t able to give me what I need just because SOME of their qualities were great. But, taken as a whole, they were lacking. And it was up to ME to be more discerning – I’ve realized that my very strong intuition is there for a reason, and that is to serve and protect ME. You’ve definitely got it down pat,… Read more »

Katerina
Guest
Katerina

Kylie, i can relate to the way you feel to some extent. I was mostly showing up as the “nice, sweet and agreeable girl” and in my case i would have a wild destructive explosion every 6 months from all the things i kept unexpressed. And it was never “nice” for me or the person who happened to be near me 😛 (because like Renne says it felt safe for me to be passive, even my smiles were a kind of defence) and honestly I do value kindness and sweetness in myself and in others. But now i know that… Read more »

Send this to a friend