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Article updated 2018

When we feel the need to be enough and ‘do’ as much as the next woman, girl or mother, are we really a better woman?

And do people really care anyway?

No, the people who really care about you won’t care whether you do more or not.

Only the people who compete with you to feel good about themselves and for variety will care. But they don’t care about YOU, they care about their own good or bad feelings, in that moment.

Since becoming Tyson’s Mummy, I realised that I felt this peer pressure (but self-imposed of course) to ‘make’ all the food at his 1st birthday party.

And for what? Just so I could be one of the mums who ‘made’ all the food?

Just so I could be a good competitor and compete in someone else’s race?

And would that make me a better Mum to Tyson?

No.

The only thing it would do is put my body under more pump and stress to get everything made and done by myself.

And haven’t you been at those parties where the host was unable to have a conversation with you at ALL the entire duration of the party because they had made themselves so stressed?

Outside of the mothering circles, there are other areas in which women feel some sort of pressure to ‘perform’.

– In the bedroom

– Bigger cleavage

– Less signs of ageing

– More children; bigger family, more power to the woman

– More college degrees

– Higher paying job

– Better position at work

– Less make up

– More make up

– Better wedding

– Faster labour

– Longer labour

– Taller husband

None of this necessarily makes us or our lives a gift to everybody else. It doesn’t make us more spiritual.

It merely makes us more compliant to somebody else’s competition.

Women are not a gift to the world when they do more.

They are less of a gift when they do more. There is no higher or spiritual benefit when you enter the competition to ‘do’ the most in one’s lifetime.

Because nobody’s life is guaranteed.

And tomorrow is not guaranteed.

And you are not happy when you are a pleaser.

And neither is anybody else.

Maintaining the status quo of surface emotions

It’s something that we do to just maintain the status-quo of ‘surface’ emotions.

It doesn’t help us grow spiritually. By keeping the surface emotions the same, it makes our life more convenient, but not more infinite. The more stress a woman has, the less feminine energy she can radiate as a rule.

And competition and ‘doing’ more comes from a constricted breath.

It’s not full and flowing and infinite.

It is constricted and fight or flight. It’s so that we can prove something.

And so that we can issue pre-emptive strikes at others who MIGHT judge us.

But we don’t have to prove anything, because the people who are watching are not watching for you.

They are watching for themselves.

The people who really care about you, really care about YOU, not what you do.

And worse still, as a woman has more and more stress over the years, her body begins to look the picture of stress. When we are like this, we don’t look open to men. We don’t seem kind to others.

Our lives aren’t a gift to others.

I suggest that you are not an expert at all things.

CERTAINLY, trying to be the expert at too many things just to compete makes us competitors, not necessarily good competitors either. That kind of competing will only create further gaps between you and potential friends.

When you finally breathe and stop trying to ‘do’ everything, you can relax iintoyour true energy and nature. And just be. And if you feel pressure to do a certain thing, remember this.

Your life being a gift to everybody is worth more than you trying to ‘do’ more to look good to phantom people or even dead people from your past.

And I remember a quote from Anthony Robbins saying:

“What you GET will never make you happy. But who you become will either make you very happy, or very sad.”

(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)

What makes your life a gift to others?

Well, think of Mother Teresa.

Would you say that her life was a gift to others?

I would say mostly, yes. And that’s because she wasn’t busy with pointless things that don’t mean much in the end. She was genuine in her expression of love.

I believe her actions were probably guided by love.

And that energy of love rippled out as a wonderful gift to many strangers around her.

And it’s when we choose to do things from a place of love….if LOVE really leads us there, then it’s right. It’s infinite.

But proving something, and competing in some other woman’s competition who doesn’t care about us is not infinite.

Are you Playing Small?

The idea of keeping up with other women and what they are doing seems right.

I guess it is because we have to fit in somehow.

But, it’s playing small.

Don’t play small.

Because you aren’t small.

As a woman, you weren’t born to be small.

You weren’t born to conform to and follow other women’s fears and insecurities.

When in doubt, and if you are stressed, try to choose the courageous route.

The route that express more of your love, whatever that is for you.

It COULD be making all the food at a dinner party of your own.

It COULD be teaching somebody you don’t know something that you know a lot about.

It COULD be running in the olympics.

It COULD be raising children.

It could be writing.

It could even be becoming an exotic dancer.

And it could be nothing but existing as you.

Each person is different.

And that’s ok. It’s ok to drop the tension, because you are a gift when you have the courage to drop the need to prove something and start to just BE.

Not the route you’re lead to by your non-breathing, hyperventilating, competitive, ‘smaller’ self.

(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are? (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)? Click here to find out right now…)

Isn’t being a Gift to Others the Same as Pleasing?

No. Because pleasing is not a gift.

Pleasing is the fake thing we do to stay safe.

And to do things from a place that makes us feel safe is not the same as doing or expressing ourselves from a place of freedom and love. Pleasing comes from a stressful state in our body.

Being a gift to others is where love will lead you.

And that could mean doing anything…that is your unique expression of love.

(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)

 

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miral
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miral

Hi renee i am absolutly agree with you that make us suffer more and more and we lose our health l. Gid bless you dear kiss

samira
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samira

Dear Renee
Thanks for your mails
you are absolutely right about ” Doing more doesn’t make us better women” because It’s been four years I’m married and I tried to do my best and every thing I could I did to make myself seeming a better wife or lover and it didn’t work and it seems I looked fool instead and I’m so desperate . I like you and I would appreciate if you could help and guide us more regarding this issue.

Jessa
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Jessa

Correction: Not all women have families. I meant to say women with families have financial responsibilities to fulfill. Also, I can’t believe women actually feel this way? Big wedding? I actually prefer a really small and intimate one. Why spend a huge amount of money on ONE day and have debts? Why not spend that money on a house?! More degrees? Nah. I just want my masters degree because I need it for speech pathology. Other than that, there is no need to collect degrees. However, I know a couple of professors who just love to learn. So, why not?… Read more »

Kat
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Kat

I think that what she’s trying to say is that all these things are okay on their own if you do them for the right reasons. If you like learning, by all means go get ten degrees, if makeup is fun for you, slather it on, if you want a big wedding so you can share your joy with all your friends, go for it. However, if you’re doing this to prove something to yourself/others (i.e. that you’re a valuable person) then you’re coming from a place of low-self esteem, neediness and fearful energy because you’re sending a message to… Read more »

Jessa
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Jessa

“Doing more” does not make me a better woman for others because I seriously could care less. Why should I bother about what they think? “Doing more and being more” to me MEANS setting up a good life for my future family and helping out my parents and relatives. “Doing more and being more” means making use of my talents and achieving my utmost potential. Not all women feel the pressure to be “accepted” or compete to be “the best”. I simply want to work hard and NOT fully rely on my future husband or parents. Life is so difficult… Read more »

Anais
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Anais

Jessa, I agree with you on a lot of points. I think it depends on where “doing more” comes from. If a woman feels the need to do more and achieve more to compete or think it will make men love you more it’s coming from the wrong places. Unfortunately a lot of women where I live do feel the need to one-up and compete with other women because of jealous and insecurity. The only person you really need to compete with is yourself. And while men don’t fall in love with women because of their “achievements”, many modern and… Read more »

Tiffaliff
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Tiffaliff

Amen! Thank you thank you! I live in Australia where hardcore feminism seems to have permeated right into our core expectations of what is expected of a woman. Even though some elements are still female focused – e.g. Having shiny hair and being sexually alluring, the emphasis has shifted to being a ‘doer’ as you say. DO this to ecome attractive to men, DO that to get one up on the other women, take THIS particular degree to be respected intellectually. Sadly this attitude has even seeped into the church, suddenly feminity has become about who does the ‘most’ for… Read more »

Angel-Eyes
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Angel-Eyes

Omg Renee, thankyou for helping me cry. I really needed to hear that off someone to confirm what I recently learnt within my life: 04/03/2014- 10:40 PM “I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore” “After mental images of what could be”. (Pole B) I wrote that down on a piece of paper whilst I was doing my English work. I realised that some where inside that I’m fighting for my mum’s and dad’s approval, possibly on an unconscious level. (Pole B-recognition) I realised that I was fighting so desperately for both of their approval but my dad is no… Read more »

Joan
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Joan

Thank you for your article Renee. I must say that the one thing that I’m really bad at is doing it all. I’ll admit though, I’m getting teased about it a little. So I just use my emotions and feel the hurt, and it seems to be dying down. People see how I feel so they pipe down. For the last 10 years or so I’ve been hearing so many women being so good at time management. I’ve heard how its done and the first thing I think is how that must suck. lol. To live in time management. That… Read more »

Klaudie
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Klaudie

Hi wow I learned a lot I did not know that people feel this way I guess my dad broth me up well in Czechoslovakia thanx
You the gift to teach all of us something

khang
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khang

You’ve been a gift to life and to us, Renee! Following your blog for over a year, I got different statments repeated in my head, guiding me to change and find more peace for life, loving life. The most recent statement I heard from within is “there is no competition in the world”, it makes me light and cherished. I dropped the need to compete and prove. Moreover, Whenever I confronted a competition-led person (judge, argue, belittle), I find a courage to embrace other’s fears and let go the urge to go against.”there is no competition in the world” –… Read more »

Elisha street
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Elisha street

It a shame but I didn’t learn this lesson till my boys were grown an my marriage was over..but now I’m free to just be an live my life…hopefully lesson learned.

suzie
Guest

Most times I read you post and I feel the need to be a better person. Thanks renee for being a gift to me. Most times its easier to want to conform to other peoples ideals because we want to be safe and remain small. Thanks for reminding me that I wasn’t created to be small.

Kris
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Kris

This one really hit home and addresses an issue that’s been bothering me. I am so sick and tired of the career I’ve chosen. In my senior book from high school, my goal was to be a housewife. Now, 20 yrs later, I’ve ended up as a business owner. I think I allowed my own feelings of unworthiness and wanting to feel special drive me into this lifestyle. I let my ego convince me to overwork and overwhelm myself to cater to others and be “known” to my own demise. It’s not been all bad, but I seemingly have to… Read more »

Mona
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Mona

I understand your frustration about your current lifestyle. If you are unhappy, change it by any means, but it might help to appreciate what you have achieved. You said you became a career woman because you had low confidence and wanted to prove you could achieve something. Now if you had become a housewife instead, you could have started to resent that life as well and wondered if that’s what you really wanted or if you just didn’t think you could do anything else with your life. You could then have felt the urge to change your life drastically, which… Read more »

Kris
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Kris

Hello Mona, thanks for the encouragement!! It was refreshing to read another woman’s perspective. And yes, I apologize if I sound ungrateful, I’m truly not. Again, as stated, I love the creative part of my career, but the rest(standing all day, management, financial, cleaning, etc., etc.) of it requires something I am just no longer willing to concede, my peace of mind. I have moments of utter dissatisfaction and yesterday was one. I used this post to openly say how I feel, and sometimes how one feels isn’t always “sociallyacceptable”. Trust, I am already making the necessary changes to make… Read more »

Capri
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Capri

Hi Renee, thank you for your gift to everyone of just being love. I really needed this. I constantly compete in my mind and imagine that i need to change certain things about myself before i can truly feel good about who i am. I make sure to ask myself what my real motive for wanting the improvement. To impress someone else or to elevate my self esteem? I make sure it’s for my personal growth. I believe that we’re all a work in progress.

Platypus
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Platypus

Hi Renee, thank you so much for the article! I love it. I am just not really sure about the link between staying happy yourself and being a gift to the world. “Do people really care anyway?” And … by accepting to stay out of the competition, you have to accept some other things: you won’t win the competition (that’s for sure, but no one can compete with you, either), you won’t earn a lot of money, won’t get a prestige status. People won’t get tough on you because they don’t consider you a thread. We need to be prepared… Read more »

Kendra
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Kendra

You wanna know the weirdest thing? My boyfriend and I were JUST talking about this the other day! I told him I wasn’t sure who I am and I felt I had to play this “role” all my life. He suggested this very same concept of just being instead of trying to be significant. I also see and feel the pressure of us having to do everything or be the best in everything. I learned it’s really not that serious. Your life, your decisions. Thanks Renee ^_^

floyd
Guest
floyd

I just love every one of your articles and this one is just superb…. Until I read this I didn’t realise what was going wrong in my relationship from my end….I thought I had to constantly conform to some standard to be a good gf bt now I’m jst gonna be…. Not try to be… Thank you so much Renee… Love you

Anna
Guest
Anna

Hi Renee, Lovely to see another one of your articles 🙂 I cherish your writing. It seems that a lot of mothers like to compete with each other on the 1st birthday. It’s hard not to succumb to the pressure. But like you did, we all have to stop and ask ourselves this question: Does it make me a better mom? Is it the best thing for me to do? Then follow the answers to those questions. Around my mid 20s I realised this and stopped trying to do things to look good. I’ve realised that the key to neverending… Read more »

Anna
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Anna

By the way, you hit the nail on the head when you talk about playing small. Like you said, the key to come from a place of love, which is an expanding nature, and this causes a ripple effect in the world. It’s like coming from a higher energy or vibration. Most people operate on a lower energy, where they are at the mercy of peer pressure, circumstances & negative events. Well, we all do sometimes, it’s normal. But when you come from an expanding nature (like love, openness, kindness, service), in any part of your life – work, family,… Read more »

Kendra
Guest
Kendra

Anna, I agree with you about comparing ourselves to others. With social media, it’s all too easy to see how our friends seem to have it all or someone gets more likes. Same thing outside of that. It breeds competition. I learned that everyone has a story to write and it’s not better than or less than someone else’s, it just is. It’s an expression of who we are and our truth 🙂

Nana
Guest
Nana

Aww yes I’m always saying to ppl stressed about “not being enough” : “Relax, there is nothing to prove. NEVER. Do things just because you’re curious and want to have fun, just to see “how it will be”. See life as a playground, not as a battlefield”.
When you see life as a place to just experiment and have fun, you feel love for yourself and the world and you are free.
Thank you for this article Renee !

L
Guest
L

Ahh! This came at a beautiful time! It always amazes me how RELEVANT your articles always are… I am in the process of planning my wedding, and I find myself to be calmed and reassured in my decision to perform a smaller function with close family and friends despite the fact that most of my girlfriends tend to have big receptions and lavish tastes. I think ultimately it comes to the fact that we build CONDITIONS around love and happiness. “I can never be happy unless everybody else sees and admires how HAPPY I am” or “I can never be… Read more »

Lili
Guest

Thank you!! Thank you! Thank you ♡

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