“I gave too much and didn’t get anything back.”
This is a common line. It’s also a lazy line. As well as an arrogant line.
When we say this, we’re just angry.
It’s something we say in an attempt to feel better about losing a man’s attention, or losing him altogether.
Here’s the problem with that: You’re not giving anyone ANYTHING unless they perceive value in what you are giving.
I’ll give you an example. I have a good school friend of 15 years. We both had a mutual friend in school days – I’ll call her ‘F’. We had problems with F. My friend of 15 years and I used to talk about how we were good friends to F – patient, forgiving and understanding.
And yet, our mutual friend still didn’t want to talk to us or be close to us – basically, she didn’t really see us as her friends.
Years later, I realised…this person didn’t perceive value in good friends (at least good friends in the way I defined it). At least that wasn’t the predominant part of her showing up for most of her life. She perceived VALUE in people who would make her look more popular, seem cooler, and more worthy of attention.
People that make you look more popular don’t have to be friends. They can even be enemies. Usually, when you’re in trouble, these people disappear.
I wasn’t that type to make her look more popular. I love staying home, having deep conversations for hours, and I love being with only one other person (more intimate) or with a small group of people I am familiar with, rather than being a part of the party scene.
The mutual friend of hours spent most of her time ‘going for it’ – getting the degree that made her more successful and higher status than other people, getting the superficial friends who would also enjoy popularity rather than depth with her, etc… There is nothing bad about this; that’s the way she is, and it’s just what it is.
But it definitely didn’t make what I thought I had to offer her any VALUABLE to her.
What she wanted was what seemed cool and got her more popularity. That’s fine. It just means that a woman who was able to facilitate that would be a ‘better friend’ to her and SHE would perceive more VALUE in that than what I had to give.
This idea is true than with MEN!
It doesn’t matter how much WE think we are giving to a man, what we give is usually what is High Value in a WOMAN’S world, but the man couldn’t care less, and doesn’t value it.
We must be Sensitive to his response to us
Here is how you can truly have the pride to say you’ve given something of value to a man: Whether you’ve GIVEN something that is actually valuable should always be measured by his response.
If we merely assume that we have given a lot and gotten nothing BACK – we are not even embodying one of the very fundamental parts of being a woman and that is – being connected to, and sensitive to the person we are engaging with!
You can’t just sit meekly in our own world, pretending that we are the victim of ungratefulness all the time.
Just because our mother or aunt Betsy said “always give a man steak and chips on a Friday night and wash his dishes every Wednesday” doesn’t mean that you doing what aunt Betsy said is actually giving anything.
It makes us happier, and better to those around us when we actually become sensitive to:
– other people’s response to what we are doing
– how they feel when we do something we think is good
– their reactions to what we are saying
– how our presence affects them (whether it affects them at all)
What it could mean, however, is that we’re actually TAKING value from the man and being needy. Needy because we subconsciously expect something back from him when he doesn’t even perceive value in our ‘gifts’ in the first place. (See this article)
We all make the mistake of giving the wrong thing…
All humans have and always will make the mistake of assuming that what we give is valuable. We are naturally that selfish and frustrated. But it doesn’t make it work with men, you know? It’s your choice, though. You always have a choice.
Be High Value in the eyes of men, and be proud that you’re sensitive to what is working in his world and what is value to HIM.
Blindly do what is easy and intuitive for you, but quite possibly see him walk away and never return when you get angry that he isn’t giving back. Why would he give back when you never gave him anything in the first place?
The same mistake is made by men, by the way. Men give what they think is value to women when it’s not.
For example. A lot of men think grabbing his girlfriend’s boobs is going to make her be open to him and lead to intimacy of some sort. Many are confused when they do that and his girlfriend not only gets annoyed – she does the OPPOSITE of what he wanted (her openness) – ie: she actually closes off to him.
But don’t be too fast to point the finger at men.
That just makes us lazy.
We don’t get what we want by pointing the finger. People don’t change because we pointed the finger.
People only change their actions towards us when we change ourselves.
On the other hand, if we really become attuned to what is value to a man, we can be proud knowing that we are earning a great relationship; rather than being lonely and bitter about giving something that wasn’t really giving anything in the first place.
What a waste of energy that is – especially the victim mindset that comes with this way of thinking.
If you are interested in knowing what it is that a devoted man would feel is High Value, the answers are in my program Understanding Men, click here to learn more information about this popular program.