I’m going to assume that you have read articles or watched videos in the past on dating and relationships, and I’m also going to assume that at some point, reading any given piece of information: a blog post, an article or an ebook on dating, relationships and men, has made you feel powerless as a woman.
You are not alone.
The great thing about the internet is that it allows us women to go and read information, and get some free advice on things that bother us.We can get at least some minimal help, or a new perspective on ourselves, our friends, relationships, the dating world, and men.
I have read a number of articles online, too, but there is one thing that makes me fume from the inside out, kind of like my guts are on fire and they’re about to burst through my skin.
It’s when dating and relationship ‘experts’ give you advice that is designed to get you to expect less.
Sometimes, even your friends will give you advice that is trying to get you to expect less.
How ‘experts’ can make you LESS!
See, there are a plethora of inconvenient truths about humans, and about men and women and dating and relationships. It’s painful, learning these truths. When I started working with people one-on-one, and learning and studying relationships and men (which is one of my greatest passions), these truths hit home, and it did hurt, sometimes.
And of course, there are always going to be truths that make you feel sad, or fearful, and defeated and angry, and even make you lose hope in men (even though you shouldn’t).
Inconvenient truths vs Inspiration
But there is a huge difference between focusing on an inconvenient truth as it stands by itself, and looking at it from a perspective that gives you more power as a woman, and allows you to actually do something about it.
Even if the truth makes you feel uncomfortable. Just like in another area of life: aging. We all have to deal with it, it might be nice to stay young forever. However, you can’t stop the aging process, but you can slow it. And you can certainly focus on and look for reasons and things that make your experience as an aging woman even better than living life as a younger woman.
How bad advice can hinder your ability to find and keep a great relationship
However, what some dating and relationship ‘experts’ say is actually going to hurt your ability to find a fulfilling relationship.
Because a lot of advice out there is designed to get you to expect LESS. Advice that encourages you to expect less is:
Advice that is designed to get you to calculate what you are getting from a man, versus what you are receiving.
Advice that gives a statement or shares an inconvenient truth, but doesn’t give you a way of doing something about it.
Advice that encourages you to lose your courage.
Advice that encourages you to not have an faith.
Examples of advice that gets you to expect LESS
So, are you wondering what this kind of advice looks like?
I’ll tell you what advice that is designed to get you to expect less is. It’s statements or advice that look something like this. Here are 3 examples:
1) Men will take whatever they can get from you, if you’re willing to give it away freely (sometimes true, sometimes not true).
2) Women have ‘unrealistic’ expectations of love, relationships and men.
Ah, ok. Thanks for that…
This is like you grabbing your purse, and putting $3.50 in it, and going out and looking to make a cool new purchase, and then coming home empty-handed, and bitching about how there’s nothing good out there.
Really, this is only true if you are a low quality woman, and there are plenty of women who are low value out there, just as there are many men who are low value. Good men and good women are hard to find, but easy to find if you are high value.
To briefly prove my point, allow me to quote the charming Ryan Gosling (yes, a real-life quote):
“I mean, God bless The Notebook. it introduced me to one of the great loves of my life. But people do Rachel [McAdams] and me a disservice by assuming we were anything like the people in that movie. Rachel and my love story is a hell of a lot more romantic than that.”
Coming from a guy.
In my real-life experience, I have learned that romance and outlandish expectations of love and men are not ‘unrealistic’. It’s just that when the going gets rough, people want out, or they give up. And the moment they give up, they lose their faith, and when they lose their faith, and give up, of COURSE the fairytale is lost!
The fairytale doesn’t just come to you. And when you don’t have faith, even if it showed up, you wouldn’t be able to identify it, let alone live it, or keep it.
To get the beautiful and inspiring story of lasting love and passion, you must be a great enough woman to weather the bad patches, and to love your man through and through, flaws and all. This is easier said than done for most women.
3) When a woman gives her body to a man, then exactly what more is there that she can give? Example of such advice here. As a woman who has only had serious, long-term relationships lasting at least 3.5 years, I have never given my body to a man who I was not in a serious, committed relationship with, and I believe women ALWAYS must treat their bodies with respect.
But, this statement is out of whack.
If you buy in to the idea, that as a woman, you can’t give anything more to a man after you’ve given him your body, then I have to ask you: do you really have such little respect for yourself?
And, by the way, if you buy in to it, you’ve just been conned in to expecting less, because what you’re really saying is this: “alright, relationships are a game of power and I am so small, and so insecure that I must calculate what I’m giving versus what I am receiving”. This is gutless.
Easy. But takes no courage.
Don’t be ‘most’ Women
See, advice that is designed to get you to expect less is suitable advice for MOST women. It’s suitable for the average woman. You are not most women. Leave the low quality men for other women.
You deserve better.
Dating advice vs Relationship advice
Now, dating is different to being in a relationship. But the principal still stands: if you date with the idea that you have to calculate everything, and if you date with the idea that men will always take more than their fair share, then you may just miss the one man out of 100 that doesn’t.
All because you didn’t believe. Or have faith.
Ego and advice
I must also warn you that many dating and relationship advice experts out there let their own egos get in the way of their advice. No hard feelings towards the ‘experts’ who let this happen, I have also made this mistake before, since I am human and I do have a big ego, but a lot of people aren’t even aware of how their ego is affecting their ability to help you.
You should be aware of this.
Now – I want to make this clear. I don’t believe in ‘expecting’ things from people. Sometimes, we all do it subconsciously, but I simply don’t believe in coming from a place of ‘expecting’ or ‘entitelment’. Not simply so that we won’t be disappointed, but because I believe we must start by giving and contributing rather than jumping in to get something, which is the place that most people operate from, subconsciously or not.
And I don’t mean ‘giving’ as most people would have it. Giving comes in a multitude of different forms. Giving also depends on the context.
You never get anything just by expecting something.
The above examples reflect exactly a lot of the beliefs women have these days. We want more in life, but outside sources will often influence us to expect less. That’s the job of society. That’s mediocrity.
The expectation of disappointment
I believe that many people mean well (or at least they think they mean well) when they encourage you to not get your hopes up in any situation, but the point is that THEY are also influenced by the expectation of disappointment.
And do you want to know the WORST thing about being influenced by the expectation of disappointment? The thing that will stop you from having the relationship of your dreams?
You aren’t living up to the best version of yourself, and because of that, you won’t attract a great man in to your life.
How can we be at our best if we expect disappointment to be around every corner?
The expectation of disappointment isn’t even the question. The question is what power do YOU really have?
And what are you willing to do, to value, to give up, to learn and to question, in order to get what you need?
Any advice designed to get you to expect less will pull you backwards. I don’t care if you are called a dreamer, and idiot, a loser – a weird psycho – don’t ever believe in advice that is designed to get you to expect less, because ultimately, that doesn’t inspire you, and you will never take action or set high standards for yourself in this state.
You will never become the best you. And it’s ONLY the best you, who will attract the BEST man. And only the best you will deserve the best man.
However, if you’re inspired, you’re much, much more likely to attract and/or achieve what you want from yourself, from life and from a relationship with a man.
I choose to believe, and have faith. And I hope you do, too.