The Relationship Advice YOU Should Never Take
I’m going to assume that you have read articles or watched videos in the past on dating and relationships, and I’m also going to assume that at some point, reading any given piece of information: a blog post, an article or an ebook on dating, relationships and men, has made you feel powerless as a woman.
You are not alone.
The great thing about the internet is that it allows us women to go and read information, and get some free advice on things that bother us.We can get at least some minimal help, or a new perspective on ourselves, our friends, relationships, the dating world, and men.
I have read a number of articles online, too, but there is one thing that makes me fume from the inside out, kind of like my guts are on fire and they’re about to burst through my skin.
It’s when dating and relationship ‘experts’ give you advice that is designed to get you to expect less.
Sometimes, even your friends will give you advice that is trying to get you to expect less.
How ‘experts’ can make you LESS!
See, there are a plethora of inconvenient truths about humans, and about men and women and dating and relationships. It’s painful, learning these truths. When I started working with people one-on-one, and learning and studying relationships and men (which is one of my greatest passions), these truths hit home, and it did hurt, sometimes.
And of course, there are always going to be truths that make you feel sad, or fearful, and defeated and angry, and even make you lose hope in men (even though you shouldn’t).
Inconvenient truths vs Inspiration
But there is a huge difference between focusing on an inconvenient truth as it stands by itself, and looking at it from a perspective that gives you more power as a woman, and allows you to actually do something about it.
Even if the truth makes you feel uncomfortable. Just like in another area of life: aging. We all have to deal with it, it might be nice to stay young forever. However, you can’t stop the aging process, but you can slow it. And you can certainly focus on and look for reasons and things that make your experience as an aging woman even better than living life as a younger woman.
How bad advice can hinder your ability to find and keep a great relationship
However, what some dating and relationship ‘experts’ say is actually going to hurt your ability to find a fulfilling relationship.
Why?
Because a lot of advice out there is designed to get you to expect LESS. Advice that encourages you to expect less is:
Advice that is designed to get you to calculate what you are getting from a man, versus what you are receiving.
Advice that gives a statement or shares an inconvenient truth, but doesn’t give you a way of doing something about it.
Advice that encourages you to lose your courage.
Advice that encourages you to not have an faith.
Examples of advice that gets you to expect LESS
So, are you wondering what this kind of advice looks like?
I’ll tell you what advice that is designed to get you to expect less is. It’s statements or advice that look something like this. Here are 3 examples:
1) Men will take whatever they can get from you, if you’re willing to give it away freely (sometimes true, sometimes not true).
2) Women have ‘unrealistic’ expectations of love, relationships and men.
Ah, ok. Thanks for that…
This is like you grabbing your purse, and putting $3.50 in it, and going out and looking to make a cool new purchase, and then coming home empty-handed, and bitching about how there’s nothing good out there.
Really, this is only true if you are a low quality woman, and there are plenty of women who are low value out there, just as there are many men who are low value. Good men and good women are hard to find, but easy to find if you are high value.
To briefly prove my point, allow me to quote the charming Ryan Gosling (yes, a real-life quote):
“I mean, God bless The Notebook. it introduced me to one of the great loves of my life. But people do Rachel [McAdams] and me a disservice by assuming we were anything like the people in that movie. Rachel and my love story is a hell of a lot more romantic than that.”
Coming from a guy.
In my real-life experience, I have learned that romance and outlandish expectations of love and men are not ‘unrealistic’. It’s just that when the going gets rough, people want out, or they give up. And the moment they give up, they lose their faith, and when they lose their faith, and give up, of COURSE the fairytale is lost!
The fairytale doesn’t just come to you. And when you don’t have faith, even if it showed up, you wouldn’t be able to identify it, let alone live it, or keep it.
To get the beautiful and inspiring story of lasting love and passion, you must be a great enough woman to weather the bad patches, and to love your man through and through, flaws and all. This is easier said than done for most women.
3) When a woman gives her body to a man, then exactly what more is there that she can give? Example of such advice here. As a woman who has only had serious, long-term relationships lasting at least 3.5 years, I have never given my body to a man who I was not in a serious, committed relationship with, and I believe women ALWAYS must treat their bodies with respect.
But, this statement is out of whack.
If you buy in to the idea, that as a woman, you can’t give anything more to a man after you’ve given him your body, then I have to ask you: do you really have such little respect for yourself?
And, by the way, if you buy in to it, you’ve just been conned in to expecting less, because what you’re really saying is this: “alright, relationships are a game of power and I am so small, and so insecure that I must calculate what I’m giving versus what I am receiving”. This is gutless.
Easy. But takes no courage.
Don’t be ‘most’ Women
See, advice that is designed to get you to expect less is suitable advice for MOST women. It’s suitable for the average woman. You are not most women. Leave the low quality men for other women.
You deserve better.
Dating advice vs Relationship advice
Now, dating is different to being in a relationship. But the principal still stands: if you date with the idea that you have to calculate everything, and if you date with the idea that men will always take more than their fair share, then you may just miss the one man out of 100 that doesn’t.
All because you didn’t believe. Or have faith.
Ego and advice
I must also warn you that many dating and relationship advice experts out there let their own egos get in the way of their advice. No hard feelings towards the ‘experts’ who let this happen, I have also made this mistake before, since I am human and I do have a big ego, but a lot of people aren’t even aware of how their ego is affecting their ability to help you.
You should be aware of this.
‘Expecting’
Now – I want to make this clear. I don’t believe in ‘expecting’ things from people. Sometimes, we all do it subconsciously, but I simply don’t believe in coming from a place of ‘expecting’ or ‘entitelment’. Not simply so that we won’t be disappointed, but because I believe we must start by giving and contributing rather than jumping in to get something, which is the place that most people operate from, subconsciously or not.
And I don’t mean ‘giving’ as most people would have it. Giving comes in a multitude of different forms. Giving also depends on the context.
You never get anything just by expecting something.
The above examples reflect exactly a lot of the beliefs women have these days. We want more in life, but outside sources will often influence us to expect less. That’s the job of society. That’s mediocrity.
The expectation of disappointment
I believe that many people mean well (or at least they think they mean well) when they encourage you to not get your hopes up in any situation, but the point is that THEY are also influenced by the expectation of disappointment.
And do you want to know the WORST thing about being influenced by the expectation of disappointment? The thing that will stop you from having the relationship of your dreams?
You aren’t living up to the best version of yourself, and because of that, you won’t attract a great man in to your life.
How can we be at our best if we expect disappointment to be around every corner?
The expectation of disappointment isn’t even the question. The question is what power do YOU really have?
And what are you willing to do, to value, to give up, to learn and to question, in order to get what you need?
Any advice designed to get you to expect less will pull you backwards. I don’t care if you are called a dreamer, and idiot, a loser – a weird psycho – don’t ever believe in advice that is designed to get you to expect less, because ultimately, that doesn’t inspire you, and you will never take action or set high standards for yourself in this state.
You will never become the best you. And it’s ONLY the best you, who will attract the BEST man. And only the best you will deserve the best man.
However, if you’re inspired, you’re much, much more likely to attract and/or achieve what you want from yourself, from life and from a relationship with a man.
I choose to believe, and have faith. And I hope you do, too.
-XxX-
And Get Free Advice and Action Steps to Attract Emotionally Mature Men, Have Him Effortlessly & Deeply Commit to You, and Have a Passionate Relationship that Others Envy.
Tags: bad dating advice for women, bad relationship advice, feminine relationship advice, Relationship Advice, relationship advice for women
Leave A Reply (30 comments So Far)
Comment Rules: Be Cool and No bashing anyone! We're all entitled to our opinions, and any stupid comments will be deleted.
Sandra81
Great point! That is the fear of disappointment talking, and it usually comes after we’ve been “burnt”. On the other hand, I believe we should not expect more than we are able to give. For example, now I am in a long distance friendship-or-maybe-more (note: I DON’T mean friends with benefits
) with a guy. He is technically just a friend, but sometimes there is some sort of “magic” when we are together. Even some of our friends make all sorts of comments and ask questions. I like him…a lot. Sometimes I feel it’s mutual, sometimes I don’t know what to believe. And he is also a few years younger than me. Trust and respect exist and have always existed between us. We are close, I met his family, andI could always count on him in times of need. Yet, we don’t “confide” in each other regarding our past love lives. The information we know about each other’s romantic past is quite basic and superficial, and none of us is in another relationship right now.
Having said that, a male friend of mine advised me to take things as they come, and to treat the relationship playfully. I think of that advice every time I have no news of him, or I think there are too many girls around him and jealousy kicks in. Both him and I travel a lot and meet a lot of people, so temptation is all around.
So, do you think that in this situation, my “expecting less” is not to push him towards a decision? I try to stay detached for as much as possible, and whatever happens, happens. Do you think I’m wrong?
[Reply]
Audy
hey Reenee i really love your articles,keep up the good work
[Reply]
mary89
Oh ….I agree with you:
there are always going to be truths that make you feel sad, or fearful, and defeated and angry, and even make you lose hope in men
I’m glad to meet someone who shares my feelings. Wish this article included some examples…. anyway thanks.
By the way, I still get sad & defeated by reading lots of articles & I don’t know how traet it.
[Reply]
Anna
Hi Renee. I tried to sign up for your site and I received an email but it had no confirmation link in it. It just had a link to your 17 attraction triggers product. Please send me an email with the link to confirm. Thanks!
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Katherine
Renee, what do you think of the manosphere advice/rants from sites like dalrock, athol kay or the badger hut? I fell across them while researching rediscovering/reclaiming femininity and am frankly intrigued by their frank opinions. Have you read any manosphere material and has any of it been useful to you in developing your femininity? I guess one thing that really struck me is how many of these men seem disappointed with the things females offer, are happy to take sex from them as long as its free, but seem to long for days past where women had honor. Or how they look for cues from the woman that demonstrate her value or use to him (assuming there is attraction)- p&D or relationship (see badger hut’s post on men’s two ladders). Anyhow, just looking for your thoughts because you always have something really applicable to say and I’m not exactly sure how to turn what I hear from these blogs into something that I can do to increase the value of my character, etc
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juliette
This website is not the first I’ve herd saying women are becomming more masculine and men more feminine. But the question is why is the blame being put on the woman? Why is it up to the woman to change and not the man?
Men are becoming feminine as well as women are becoming masculine so where are the articles and blogs for these female-like males running about?
The blame is always put on the woman, the work is always put on the woman and the credit is always given to the man.
[Reply]
Molly Reply:
June 24th, 2011 at 9:31 pm
If Renee were a man, this would probably be a blog for men and how they could be better men. But she’s a woman, and so this advice is for us. And I admit, most men are not worth all the effort. It’s not worth changing for them. But what if you decided to change for yourself?
I just recently found this blog and if I had come across it one month earlier I would have had the exact same reaction that you did. I considered myself a feminist and believed I didn’t need a man (and that good ones did not exist anyway) and raised a child and worked and put myself through school as a stubbornly independent woman. But then I began to realize that there was some part of myself that I was denying. I didn’t feel whole. Something was missing from my life and it wasn’t a man. It was something deeper than that, and I finally realized that it was my femininity. I had been working so hard to take care of myself and my child (i.e. being the man in my life) that I wasn’t taking any time to just be a woman. My desire to change came from inside, not from society or magazines or men, but from myself, and that is why it is so empowering.
Believe it or not, there are men out there who want to provide for and support (emotionally and not just financially) and be there for a woman, if she would only let him. Men are hard-wired through evolution to want to do this…but it’s hard for men to be men if women are not being women. They need you to let them be men. Let them take charge, fix things, open your door for you. But being a real man is more than that. It’s treating a woman like a lady, taking stress off of her life when she needs it, and doing the right thing when the pressure is on. If you meet a man who doesn’t do that from the start, then move on. He’s not a real man. And if you believe you have to take what you can get, then my advice is to follow Renee’s advice. Have a little faith. There are good men out there, you just have to believe it or you’ll never find them.
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Alma Reply:
July 5th, 2011 at 9:29 am
Wow, well said.
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juliette
I’ve read most all your material and I do love your website but I must ask…
From the primping and the grooming, the sweetness and the sexiness, the putting your feelings aside to get him to open up to you, the react to his mistakes and hurtful words lightly and the list goes on and on and on about how a woman should act to get, please and keep a man….
but what is the man to do for the woman? she’s busy trying to make herself as close to perfect as possible for him and the little tiny things he sometimes does for her should be enough? what ever is wrong with her she should fix and what ever is wrong with him she should accept?
what are these knights in shining armor supposed to do for his princess? the relationship seems to be only in the hands of the woman.
this is where the feminist movement came in and why it was so successful. women are asked to do all these things for men and be happy with the barely there acts of love and appreciation men are expected to give to his wife.
i think it’s time for men to start giving a little more than they take in relationships.
women go to books, magazines, tv, friends, family even the internet to work on themselves when it comes to looks, sex, dating, communicating, you name it we women are working on it.
and what are men to do? go to work, pay the bills, and have sex with you?
wooo go men! they have it so easy. they get to be bigger, stronger, have more money, people are nicer to them, people respect them and expect SO LITTLE from them. what a lame excuse “he’s a man” or “men don’t do that” or “what can you expect, he’s a man”.
Really are we talking about a man or a child? Because people expect far more from little children than they do men. It’s always been this way.
Men suck. You have to do any and everything to get and keep a guy and you know what…while your busy trying to make yourself look prettier, make sex hotter and become closer to him, he’s looking for something else.
And when he does us women are supposed to be OK with that too.
fuck that. I wish I were a man, or a lesbian.
the only that’s better about being a woman, is we are prettier.
[Reply]
Renee Reply:
June 16th, 2011 at 4:12 pm
Hello Juliette
Thanks for your comment. I know, a lot of men do suck, really bad. It seems that they want, but they’re not willing to give. They want sex, but they’re not willing to romance you. They want your understanding, but they’re not willing to listen to you. The list goes on…
I understand the viewpoint you have: women are expected to do enough ALREADY. Be the perfect wife, be the perfect mother, have a job and bring in some dough too, take care of her looks and not only LOOK good, but actually BE happy, right? And in the midst of it all, she’s supposed to find time for herself? Some call it the superwoman syndrome.
Here’s the thing though, and it’s something 99% of women miss completely. Unfortunately, it never hits them, not even on their deathbed.
MEN have grave issues when it comes to women. MEN have grave fears in relationship with a woman. Men feel like they give up JUST as much as women feel like they have to give up.
Your fears are not necessarily woman-specific. In fact, you are talking from fear, not fact.
Yes, there are facts – a lot of men are douche bags when it comes to relationships.
But also, yes, a lot of women are total bitches when it comes to relationships. Go search ‘marriage forums’ or ‘relationship’ forums on google, and you’ll find A LOT of men working on their relationships and marriages.
You may also be surprised to find in many forums, that men are dealing with cheating wives – who, by the by, won’t actually stop cheating after he’s stayed and done what he could to be a better husband, finding out that their child isn’t even theirs.
You’ll also find a lot of men dealing with other kinds of pain – dealing with wives who have lost attraction for them after they’ve committed 5, 10, 20, 30+ years of exclusivity and marriage to them. Getting stuck in marriages where they have absolutely zero freedom and being in marriages where they feel dead inside.
Juliette, no-one is saying you need to PLEASE a man. YOU are. No one is saying you need to ‘be ok’ with terrible behavior. In fact, DON’T be. You show a man how to treat you, as hard as that can be.
But I see that what you’re really wanting is a fulfilling relationship with a man who is willing to give back, after you feel you’ve given everything. A man who makes you feel loved, connected and excited in a way you’ve never been made to feel before.
It’s possible. But are you willing to do what it takes to get there is my question.
What I’m saying, in this article, is that, you need to be the kind of woman THAT man (whoever your ideal man is) would want.
It’s not easy, that’s why 80% of long-term relationships and marriages fail.
If it was easy, we’d all have it. And if it were that easy, we wouldn’t admire the people who have achieved relationship happiness, and we wouldn’t long for it ourselves, or pretend we don’t need it but behind closed doors – BURY ourselves in romance novels.
But I can tell you that as strong and capable as men seem, they have their own fears that many women don’t EVER stop to consider. Cause it’s too hard to get out of YOURSELF and see it from HIS shoes. I can guarantee that when you do, you’ll get answers, and you won’t be speaking or acting from fear.
This doesn’t mean you stay – it doesn’t mean you leave – it just means that you get to become a better lover for whoever the lucky man is.
YOU have pain because you’re not giving your gift. You at least feel that you can’t, because fear is in the way.
And, perhaps, you’re too busy trying to be perfect that you’ve missed what it’s like from his perspective.
And, perfect doesn’t exist. If you had to be perfect then no woman would ever have and keep a man. But we both know there are women out there who do
and who as we speak, are blisfully happy and fulfilled, as are their man.
[Reply]
mona
Hi Renee, I just wanted to say tank you for your articles, as they have helped me gain a different perspective on men and relationships. I myself have lost some faith in trying to find someone who really values what i do as a person, but that doesnt mena i will give up.
Again, thank you and keep up the good work!
[Reply]
Sally
Dear Renee,
They say ,,, ‘Reach for the moon, even if you fail ,, you will land among the stars ”
I believe exactly what you’re trying to say .
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sam
dear Renee
Hello again and thank you very much for your attention and care on the issue. Your opinions about giving and taking advice were compeletly right.In fact most women are sick because of their expectation or better to say have problems because of that consciously or subconsciously including me, but as you said i don’t want to be the most(:ol It’s so hard.Every thing tou noticed was wonderful. But I’s not only Women Who expect men, they have their own expectations! I’ll email you some of mine and ask your comment.
love
xxxx
Sam
[Reply]
Sorena
Dear Renee,
Your article here made me think of a play I saw a while back called “Into the Woods”. Have you or anyone seen this? It was really big on Broadway. After I saw it myself, I went away really hating it, even though the reviews were fantastic, and after reading your article today, now I know more clearly why. “Into the Woods” is a play that brings several of Grimms most famous fairy tales (Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, etc) where a virtuous young lady is rescued by a handsome prince and lives happily ever after…..) and makes them more “realistic”, at least according to the playwrite. Meaning of course, that the handsome princes are all adulterous, selfish and weak jerks and the girls are always disappointed, hurt and getting divorced.
We got the last tickets to see “Into the Woods” as it was sold out for every performance–very very popular play– and on the night we went the theatre was filled with mothers who had brought their teenage daughters in order to show them that fairy tale romances don’t come true(learned that listening to intermission conversations.) and how “It” REALLY is.
In this world of negativity towards men and marraige, I appreciate this more upbeat article. A good girl can marry a good guy and have a beautiful relationship. She just has to follow the proper principles that these relationships are based on.
[Reply]
Renee Reply:
June 14th, 2011 at 5:30 pm
Hey Sorena! I have heard of into the woods, but I have not seen it. This is a perfect example though.
I know mothers don’t want their daughters to get hurt, and want them to see ‘reality’.
The reality isn’t that prince’s cheat and are weak and selfish – the reality is that humans aren’t designed to be in long-term relationships, which means that we must be willing to have courage, and put ourselves on the line to create what we want, after the initial crazy in love phase wears off (if it even wears off, I have heard form some that it doesn’t).
In the beginning it’s always easy. If it wasn’t, we wouldn’t even have a relationship.
But whatever a man’s behavior is – women can behave just as selfishly, whether in the same ways as a man does or not.
Thanks for sharing this Sorena. Definitely valuable food for thought.
[Reply]
Sorena Reply:
June 16th, 2011 at 12:09 pm
You know, maybe mothers at the play were motivated by protective instincts as you said. OK.
I see too often that women who have failed relationships/marraiges, tend to blame , and get a “misery loves company” attitude. The divorce groupies in the workplace are proverbial for this. If you share any of your guy frustrations with them, they are right there to say”get out of that relationship” “You shouldn’t put up with that” ” You are co-dependant” “My guy was just like that and I am so glad I got out” and other male bashing stuff. No one seems to give you information you can really use. The advice of todays marraige counselors doesn’t seem much different.
The good advice that truly empowered me was from Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin–I got to talk to her and know her a little and she truly truly cared about me and all women finding real happiness- Men are from Mars Women are from Venus was also very helpful. The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle is very good, too. The counsel these authors give can be hard to do, but when you see the wonderful results, you will say “I got alot more than I gave in the end”
When are you going to write your book, Renee?
[Reply]
Asma Reply:
June 16th, 2011 at 1:23 pm
Sorena, this hit a nerve with me. I have been experiencing this kind of reaction with some of my girlfriends too. One where I can’t get two words out before she has drawn and entire conclusion of the whole picture and in two seconds turns my life and relationship into a lifetime T.V. movie. It’s like…huh? When did I say this…how did you get that? I start hearing this narrative and with just two three words said that are unfinished she knows exactly how the man is. how he thinks, and what his intentions are and how he conducts himself all the while not metting him. *Grrr* I’ve had it with certain types of girlfriends lol.
Cariesa
I love all of your articles, finally someone out here that see things from my perspective, I sometmes go to low value women for advice and its so harsh and low , I look at them with no respect for themselves , in terms of dealing with men. Thank you for blessing me and other woman with your articles, now I have a Good Woman to go to for advice, THANK YOU SO MUCH!
[Reply]
Renee Reply:
June 14th, 2011 at 5:20 pm
Cariesa, you’re welcome
Thank You for reaching out and thanks even more for believing and having faith, especially in yourself. xo
[Reply]
Helen
Dear Renee and everyone,
I am forever indebted to all of your articles, the comments, and advice here on the site. I don’t think I’ve ever read, or heard so many decent, sound and inspiring perpectives before, at least, not all in one place! They are the perspectives I have always believed in, and try so hard not to let go of despite so much advice and opinion to the contrary; so it’s wonderful to find this community of people who share them.
With regards to the above article about bad advice, I have experienced the good intentions of friends who perhaps think they are protecting me with this kind of advice. While, in the past I’ve followed it, I’m now going overwhelming against it, to follow my instincts, (and the advice in the article) and hope that with encouragement, they will do the same!!
I feel liberated from the constant fear of rejection, disappointment and negativity that came with supressing the belief/faith in good men and good relationships. I don’t fear the possibility of heart-ache, because I believe in my value as a woman.
Thank you for helping me to keep the faith! Have a great day,
xxxxxx
[Reply]
Renee Reply:
June 14th, 2011 at 5:47 pm
Hello lovely Helen
I am so glad you like the articles, and I love that you share my vision, and the vision or views of many other women who regularly visit this site.
To quote you: “I don’t fear the possibility of heart-ache, because I believe in my value as a woman.” – you made me smile
and you are the kind of woman this world needs more of. Thank You!
[Reply]
Denise
Dear Renee:
Another great article. Thank you! A summary of what you are saying reflects in this quote I
recently read:
” Play to win, don’t play to not loose” and WOW there is such a big difference!
It is the exact thing you are saying, how many times we “settle” for something because we inwardly believe we can not do better. The only truth behind that is that we convince ourselves we are not worthy of “better” or of finding what we really want/need. We are so influenced by??? publicity, the “people” ??? “others”??? we don’t even bother to be the best version of ourselves (Loved that quote Renee!) but rather “expect”…to be discovered by Mr. Wonderful? Or “EXPECT” to be treated like a princess? As Renee explained when you “expect” you are at best leaving your fate up to… “your luck”? In other words, someone else will be deciding what you want or how you should be treated/cared for….dangerous position!
We must pay attention to what WE think, what WE want and what WE feel, not other people’s choices. It is wise to seek advice, but it is wiser to filter what we hear by “ME”,by the “I am a unique woman” filter. Fantastic advice, than you again Renee!
[Reply]
Renee Reply:
June 14th, 2011 at 3:18 am
Thank you Denise. Exactly, you play to win – often, people don’t even want to enter the game – any game, or a relationship, because they are afraid of failing or experiencing pain. I think we can all relate to this feeling.
I think advice is great, but not advice that strips you of your power.
[Reply]
Liz
I’ve read the gurus for men and women. I cannot believe the garbage that passes for saged advice. While some of it has merit and certainly the part about your own self esteem building that’s worthwhile, as is indicated here, much is without sense. Each individual is different as is each relationship. My standards are what’s right for ME but that may not be what’s right for everyone. You will not do well in any area, career or relationship until you access what/where you are now and WHO/where you want to be in the future and if what you do is not standing in the way of being the best you you want to be then that is fine for you. If you do things just because with no reason, no goal, and no understanding then you will fail miserably at anything. Just my opinion.
[Reply]
Asmaa
This is the best article I ever read about believing and faith.
Thank you Renee
[Reply]
Asma
Renee,
you really pin pointed here in this article as to why I was feeling so confused with some relationship advice/experts these past two years! With some advice I get great results and others I get nill or negative. It boils down to what you say! What we expect, our thoughts about things and what we ask for is the key! I could not make that connection before! It reminds me of what Tony Robbins said once….that life gives you whatever price you ask of it, or something like that…it seems like Renee this is what you are saying in terms of the relationship life and men. Makes a lot of sense!
[Reply]
Amitabh Pandey
How to handle relationships: Stress suffered on account of dysfunctional relationships in our professional & personal lives can be a great impediment to our well being. A few suggestions to negotiate & ideally, preempt the turmoil:
Breathing space: Too much proximity breeds contempt is a fact we all live & suffer through overbearing involvement with another individual’s life. Be it one’s work subordinate or spouse. No matter how devoted a person is to relationship, everyone has a basic need for freedom & if ignored, this can suffocate relationships.
Indifference to difference: Opposite attract is a good reminder when we find ourselves drifting away in a relationship on account of differences of opinion & functioning style. To have differences up to a point is a healthy option, but they should not go beyond comfort levels.
Communication: Good communication involves speaking & listening, the latter usually needing much more attention. Observation & sensitivity to non-word communication, a smile or a hug can be much more profound forms for bonding.
Judgement: Presumptions made on account of past behaviour or our opinions often create negative judgement knots in relationships. A fresh approach even in the middle of conflict can be a tonic to tackle bitter deadlock prejudices.
Promises: Often commitments are made easier than kept, it is better to make fewer promises but keep them to save hearts from disappointment.
Walk the talk: Especially with younger generation, endless sermonizing doesn’t break the ice, instead stepping out of our paradigm zones to live & see a little of their life perspective may inspire the reverse in them.
Acceptance: When things just don’t work, accepting end of a bad relationship is a very courageous step in empowering ineself & others involved in moving on with life. Remember, you need the last train to leave to create space of an empty railway platform for a new train to arrive.!!!
[Reply]
Bouchra
Hi Renee,
Thanks a lot for the articles you’re publishing!
I totally agree with you when you talk about disappointment expectation, I was just talking about it to my girlfriend the other day, and I was wondering: how can we expect to meet a good man when we believe (firmly) that all men are jerks and we’re expecting that we will get hurt and disappointed by them! It’s our state of mind and way of thinking that we should change first to excpect new and better results.
Thank you again, when I read your articles I almost always say: she’s right, why haven’t I thought about it before!!! you make me reconsider most of my beliefs, and I thank you for that!
Wish you all the best!
[Reply]
Renee Reply:
June 14th, 2011 at 3:25 am
Oh you are welcome Bouchra
Well, it’s true: you can’t get a good man if you believe they are all just jerks.
You won’t even recognise it, or BELIEVE it, if one comes along, if you have the idea that you need to calculate what you’re giving and getting, because that mindset is coming from a place of scarcity.
Anyway, we have all felt this way before. There’s nothing wrong with it. But if we just take a look around….aren’t there plenty of women and men in great relationships, if we were just to really look? They’re not the majority, but they can be a great example
And all the best to you, Bouchra!
[Reply]
Vasanthi
Well, I have taken the above advice that women should not take before and then later thinking why is my relationship not working. I used to wonder if I should let go and just be me instead of playing emotional games with the men. What you say does in fact enlighten me and I am going to try just being me and not expect for disappointment. Wish me luck. Thanks again for a sensible article.
Have a great week ahead. Regards.
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