What Every Woman Ought to Know about Trusting a Man

trusting a man

What Every Woman Ought to Know about Trusting a Man

Let’s try a thought experiment: Think of someone you trust 100%, and still trust. If you don’t trust anyone 100% right now, think of a moment in your past (perhaps as long ago as your early childhood), when you trusted someone fully. It could have been a fleeting moment, it could have been for quite some time. You will most likely have trusted at least one parent 100%, when you were a small child.

Question: about this person whom you trust 100% (or perhaps 98%, if you feel you cannot trust anyone fully). What if another person you respect, love or trust came up to you and started telling you everything that the person you trust 100% had done wrong, and gave you numerous pieces of evidence to prove that you absolutely could not trust this person at all?

Would that make you less certain about that person you trust 100%?

Would you call up that person you trust 100% and start questioning them? Would you feel sick to the guts from what you had heard about them? Would you be afraid?

Back to the person you trust 100%. If you were honest with yourself, could you find a plethora of reasons why you could not trust him or her? Even without somebody else throwing reasons in your face? I bet that you could also find many references to back up the conclusion that they can be trusted, as well if you wanted to.

In a world where virtually everyone has felt as though their trust has been betrayed; it can be hard to find certainty or trust in anyone at all, especially when you focus hard and frequently on it. Everything from what is reported on the news, to people telling bad stories, can cause us to see that nobody can ever be truly trusted. A lot of women also refuse to get in to a new relationship after they have been ‘burnt’ or lied to in a past relationship. And even if they do, when they get in to a new relationship, their lack of trust in men in general cripples the current relationship.

Granted, there are some men (and women) who have hurt, disappointed or  lied to their spouse or friend so much that the bad association becomes impossible to reverse; leaving little reason for the other person to ever want to trust again even though it may actually be very possible to trust that person again and rebuild the relationship.

The point is that whatever you focus on, you will find. Even if you feel you are with the most trustworthy man in the world, or best friends with the most trustworthy person on earth; I am certain that you could, if you wanted to, give me at least 5 reasons why you may not be able to trust them. It could be as simple as them forgetting to follow up on a trivial promise. It could be your husband forgetting to feed the dog. It could be your man repeatedly doing something small you keep asking him not to do. It could be your best girlfriend telling a white lie to protect you. It could even be that your man made a careless joke about you regarding something very personal to you – but he didn’t even think twice about it. (read my article about how to overcome jealousy)

Do these things alone render somebody untrustworthy? Why then! No human being is trustworthy.

There are always millions of reasons why you should or should not trust anyone. Especially a man, because women and men are inherently different, and what you consider trustworthy behavior as a woman may not always be to him.

But here’s the truth: trusting is a choice. It’s something you have to commit to, even when you feel so uncertain that you feel crippled. Even when your current man does something that reminds you of your ‘crappy’ ex boyfriend. This is not to say that you should ignore obvious warning signals that something is not right, or put up with bad treatment. There has to be a balance.

Considering you can never ever truly control anybody, especially your man – the best you have is influence – you must ask yourself: do I value a beautiful and passionate relationship more than I do my own desperation for certainty?

Many of us also fear regret. ‘If I trust him and he lies to me….then….? Would I have wasted my time?’

One final question for you (yes you!): Do you think it’s better to die giving all you have; and to die risking opening yourself to the one you love; than to live your life in distrust? Which is worth more? You must choose one… :)

Renee the feminine woman

45 Comments

  • prettydamfine

    Reply Reply March 15, 2014

    the way i feel about the bullshit is if i get my feelings hurt i will kill and destroy Wat i though i had so i gotta be safe and keep my heart too a level and if there’s a problem with him not being about too trust me i will do every thing i can too show the man im with i care love and all of the above too him its just that no know feels the same when i will young i didn’t never have these feelings they hurt and bad i feel as if i should not love and if i do the person has to show true and deal with me straight up

  • Sabina

    Reply Reply February 10, 2014

    Yes, trust is a choice. A bad choice

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  • Jim

    Reply Reply May 1, 2013

    I started hating comics in the newspapers when “Cathy” started. Do women really think like that? She said yes.
    Read “The Predatory Female” if you can find a copy.
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  • cath

    Reply Reply March 10, 2013

    Easier said than done fir people who have been hurt but yes… trust with your heart and let go of tge fact that someone could betray you. Vulnerability alliws yoy to love deeper, feel more and enjiy the incredible man you are with :) The first time I did this for a man, mmade my sel compkletely vulnerable, he cheated. I am with a man now and it has taken me a year an 2 minths to realize that it is time to let myself be vulnerable. We are more inlive and happy than ever before :) I love him with everything I have

  • lillylarogue

    Reply Reply July 18, 2012

    “Whatever you focus on you will find” Never a truer word spoken

  • Reem

    Reply Reply June 19, 2011

    Always love your articles Renee, i guess everything you decide to do is a commitment. If its not going to be from a love it will come out of fear.

  • the ghost of bashir gemayel

    Reply Reply February 5, 2011

    wow,,u womne who think,,feel like this scare me,,,no women in the world deserve to marry a man,,if she is totally screwed up and insecure in her head and heart,,dont destroy a mans life and or the lives of ur future children,,,,why dont u womne get to know whom,,and what u are as female adults before trying to get to know another person,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i bet most of u females never had a normal,nurturing,loving caring ,supporting,relationship with YOUR FATHERS,,and this is why u women question each and every thing in the universe down to its atomic orbital,and atomic particles…get real if u women do get a man,,trust me it will be a screw ball man

    • Rachel

      Reply Reply July 13, 2011

      Wow…So…My father…is a fantastic man, and I trust him with my life…and I trust my two best friends. That’s it! My husband…is about to be an ex, and or almost 9 years, all I heard was lies! He lied about everything from the time he went to bed, to the name of the girl he lost his virginity to. He lied about prices of things…He NEVER told the truth…unless it was to betray my trust. He would tell people things I had said in confidence. I trusted him from the beginning…and he messed that up. He accused me of cheating on him from day one…and i hadn’t! So now…as bad as it sounds, it’s hard for me to believe that anyone wouldn’t be that way! However, I DO tend to trust, until I find a reason not to. The only thing is, when I have a gut feeling about something, I follow my instincts and investigate!

  • Jim

    Reply Reply January 20, 2011

    ladies ,,please dont blame,,hate your selves for pain nor us men,,,,i will be amazed if any gals open up about what i have said….p.s. if any gals do just let me know,,,,,,,,,,and no i dont have any ulterior motives,,,,,,,,if i did i would tell you……..and i dont have any ulterior motives!

    • Dee

      Reply Reply May 24, 2013

      Challenge accepted….. Men just need to start respecting women (all women) and show that they care….. Happy Wife Happy Life…..

  • Jim

    Reply Reply January 20, 2011

    trust me there are great men out there who are in the same situation like u gals,,,,,,,,,,,,but the problem is they dont think,,,,,,that verbalizing,,being vocal will solve anything,,,,,so us men including myself go back to our selves and enjoy cooking dinner all alone like u womne do,,thinking about how carzy human nature is,,,and writing on blogs like this……….sad really sad we dont get to know 1 another in anormal human way..becuse of getting cheated on,,,burned out…….u know all this week i been dreaming about having my own baby,,,and in the dreams im holding my babies and im feeling like in in heaven.,,,but of course my male brain tells me u women dont belive me,,u all never heard that men actually love childeren and truthfully belive in permanent realtionships ,,aka growing old with your spouse.,,but u see i cannot hold that poisonous attitude about women,,cuse then every woman would be bad,,,,so i dont feel like that,,,,now u women must not hold onto old pains,,emotional baggage,,,,its ok to remember it,,,,we all cannnot forget pain in da past,,,,but guess what,,,u nor i will get a husband or wife if we have abad attitude…even if we are justified for our attitudes!

  • Jim

    Reply Reply January 20, 2011

    dear fellow human beings ,,i am impressed and amazed that there are women like ua;ll who open up,,,i as a man,,cannot undertsand why in the world dont u women communicate with us men like this when we are having lunch,,dinner? when we men open up to you with our own feelings?,,,why women all of u here seems so precious and honest,,u all dont know but there are men out there who feel just like u all do,,we are fingting the same fight for the same values ,,and this is why we are all single,divorced as well..dear fellow human beings..please love ur selves,,,and dont goto a man expecting to change him,,,if a man is messed up,,leave him alone,,dont try to be his mommy,,dont feel its ur duty to rescue him from his horny lustfull ways…,, a man knows within a few weeks of courting a prospective wife those issues he must change ,,u nor any 1 can change another person,,,,my last most painfull question,,that hurts every real human man,,is why do you women loose your own identity ,personality after u get married with a man? i as a man deplore a woman who forgets who SHE IS A A WONDERFULL WOMAN,,,,,,,men really do enjoy seeing thier wife personal expressions of her identity,,via her hobbies,,,ideas,,even things like home decoration,,,now we dont really ascribe to home decoration fanatics,,,but guess what? if my woman,,,my love ,,my soul mate enjoys a hobby ,,thats fine,,im happyand i would enjoy participating in her hobby.look women u deserve a happy loving life…so just dont think too much and let ur thoughts become paranioa,,,,nor think too little and get with some closet creep,,or bad boy type….dont put all your faith in failure or sucsess………..just live ur life,,,if u cannot control,,cope manage your emotions in a normal secure way then maybee u dont deserve to be in any relationship ever,!yes men toooooo,,especially men who continue to lust,,look stare and keep on lusting after every womnan who has a shapley body is a dam looser,,,becus that type of man cannot control his eyes,,mind,,ideas about women and himself,,,,he has no right to have a realtionship,,,ladies dont beat ur selves up….also some men and especially women are never satified with what they want,,,,and many men and especially womne dont know what theywant in life…then time passes and they want a superman..or a miss universe……..get real,,,were human,,know ur self,,then know another perosn!

  • Mimi

    Reply Reply December 21, 2010

    Do you guys know how frustrating it is for a woman after been lie to? At this point, I don’t even know where I stand. I always wonder what it feels like, to say that you love me when you are looking dead in my eyes and lie to me.

  • Kendra

    Reply Reply November 26, 2010

    I definitely agree with maintaining a balance between reasonable trust and caution as well as trust being a choice. When someone does something to make me distrust them, I learned to watch how they react. If they are trying to earn my trust, SINCERELY making the effort, then I give them another chance. If they’re blase and don’t seem to care then I let them go. There are exceptions, but that’s how I usually handle it.

    Before I did the above I used to either ebb between complete distrust or complete trust. Whether the person was good or not didn’t matter. I realized that in both cases I did not trust myself and my instincts. To trust anyone and I think Amitabh mentioned this in a way. You have to trust and accept yourself fully before trusting anyone else. You have to trust and accept your core being before talking about committing and trusting anyone.

  • Crystal

    Reply Reply October 17, 2010

    Commitment is a choice. Trust must be earned.

  • Vicky

    Reply Reply October 10, 2010

    Timely that I am reading this, as it just reinforces something else that I have recently read. “Treat everyone as innocent.”

    its hard to practise when you have been for a lifetime wary – but it is something that I have been consciously doing for the last month, and interesting things have occured, the biggest being less consumed by constant “chatter” in my head about what if etc.

    New to this site, but are glad I have fallen upon it.

  • VolleyGirl

    Reply Reply October 7, 2010

    I hardly trust anyone. I have all been suspicicous of people, since I can remember, I thinks is part of my personality.
    And thinks got even worse, remember when your parents said ” don’t accept food from strangers, don’t accept car lifts from strangers”, “there are a lot of bad people out there that want to hurt little children “. Well I don’t know that if that happened to most children , but my mum used to tell me that all the time. Several times a day. And I got her advice so seriously that up until now I hardly trust anyone. I only trust 100% 2 people ( my mom and auntie).
    And with men I don’t think I could trust one not even 50%, after everything that happened with my mum and grandmother…
    My comment is so depressing.

    Hi Sarah,
    I know exactly what you are going through because it happened under my roof and I’m sure Renee will give you good advices.
    Keep the faith!

  • sarah

    Reply Reply October 4, 2010

    Renee….what would you do if you caught your husband of 5 years cheating….only to discover he has been cheating on you and lying since before your marriage? What if he told you it was not because of anything you lacked, but it was just something he could not resist? Would you stay…knowing that it was highly probably that he would cheat again?

    Obviously this is based on my life….and I just don’t know what to think about trust at this point. He says he will do anything, jump through any hoop to keep me….and yet……I continue to catch him in little lies all the time, and I just recently caught him calling one of the booty call girls. When I catch him he threatens suicide! This sounds crazy but I’m afraid it’s all too true. Am I pathetic for staying with a man who has broken my heart a hundred times? Or am I doing the right thing by staying with the man…trying to trust him….despite all odds?

    We do have two children together…and I’m a stay at home mother.

    See….I always felt that even if your partner did not fulfill his/her vows….you were still accountable to fulfill your own vows. I don’t want to leave…I don’t want to stay. I want to trust…..I want to run away screaming so everyone will see him for the scoundrel he is………oh what to do…..

    miserable.

    How does trust work in this situation? Is there even room for it?

    • Renee

      Reply Reply October 4, 2010

      Sarah honey, I will email you. Men often say that – they often say that their wife didn’t lack anything, but the truth is that they were looking for something that they felt they couldn’t find in the relationship. -XxX-

      • Fanny

        Reply Reply June 17, 2011

        i can feel your pain my sweet darling, listen to me , i had one bad experience with this guy that i loved soo much… and he broke my heart , not even just that but disrepected me and treated me like shit. i was ashamed of myself for lovin him , after what happend . i told myself i will never ever love a man again.

        but look at me now.. not even a year past, i m already im in a one year relation with this guy, i regret but i love him and i dont want to go..

        but i never got time to think aabout myslef, i never took the time to figure out what i really needed. listen hun i know you love him ( if you do) but don’t let that ge to you… take your children and go away. at your parents or somewhere far away from him.. if you stick around he will never understand and realize how much that hurted you. be away from him and he will misss you and realize that he’s meesing up and breaking his loving familly … men are sensitive too. email me if you need anything ihave so much more to say to you….

        • The duke from Italy

          Reply Reply June 19, 2011

          This happens since women do not love good man anymore.. just “alpha” men who sooner or later will give you the bill you must pay!

          Trust.. lol! trusth is not a seed as that guy told before.. trust is somethings that grows out from the word: RESPECT and you MUST RESPECT yourself FIRST! if you don’t RESPECT yourself you cannot give RESPECT to others as well.. respect also knows the real meaning of the VALORS that lies in our and other FEELINGS, so respect to feelings means TRUST! if you trust in your feelings you may be able to trust others as well.. but only if you are able to see how much people RESPECT themselves FIRST!

          that’s the problem of our societies, people don’t respect themselves anymore, living day by day, harvesting from others what they can’t find inside them anymore..they live their silly lifes under the corporations dictats and become some sort of freaking egoist zombies, divoring your feelings if they need them accordly..

          by the way.. it’s easy for a woman to talk that way since uneven laws who gives women a safe passthru.. yeah even them get hurts.. but if you cannot see the real logical world we live in, you cannot see this problem in your emotional world either..

  • JP

    Reply Reply October 4, 2010

    I tend to trust people with caution until they prove that I can either trust them fully or not at all. I will admit that it probably takes a man, one interested in a romantic relationship with me, longer to prove himself trustworthy. This could be because of past hurts, or just the fact that I know allowing a man access to my heart is a high risk of heartache. But I think we should guard our hearts to a degree… can’t just let anyone in there, but I also know what you are saying is true. If you don’t trust someone enough to open your heart, then you will never experience the true joys of loving with all your heart. So I would have to agree 100% with you when you say that it takes balance. So, trust with caution until you learn enough about the person to decide how trustworthy they actually are. People are really good at putting their best self out there in the beginning but given a little time their true self will begin to show… and usually your own instincts will kick in at this point, and those you can almost always trust :) Once you feel you can trust a man, choose to do just that. I believe that you are correct in saying trust is a choice…one you have to keep making over and over again even with the same person.

  • Sofia

    Reply Reply September 23, 2010

    but maybe it’s a bit of exaggeration to say that I made that choice otherwise I would not care if he is a tricky person…. I do not even know I should try to find a way to change him because it is really not easy to see these things all the time since I am a sensative person. Sofia

  • Sofia

    Reply Reply September 23, 2010

    “Trusting is a choice” has been my philosophy in my relationship, I have made that decision once so it should be till the end, but from time to time I have found out that my boyfriend is always a bit tricky with a lot of small things he says….. It makes it very hard for me to hold on to this. I still keep controlling him when he goes out alone :(

  • Renee

    Reply Reply September 22, 2010

    @ Jodi: Thank You lovely. You are welcome, and always. I appreciate your gratitude. You would make a wonderful woman to the man of your choice. Thanks You for sharing your decisions. Freedom is essential to being able to give yourself fully. You can never be 100% free without the ability to trust. Without trust, you cannot give yourself.

    @ Amitabh: Thanks for your additions! I really liked your comment about few people knowing they have a centre, and more often than not, are living on edge. I interpret this as meaning that most of us aren’t truly present in our life.

    @ Karen: yes, absolutely! Thanks for adding the other dimension. I think regretting pushing away a reliable, honest and loving man would be much worse than regretting ‘wasting’ your time with someone who ends up not being true. :)

  • Karen

    Reply Reply September 22, 2010

    Fear of regret can also go the other way. “What if I don’t trust him?! – and I lose a reliable, honest, loving man?” Could you ever forgive yourself?!

    If you don’t trust the right person, and give all you have to the one you love – you could miss out on your chance for a happy, fulfilling life. Then you could end your life in bitter regret, or stultifying boredom.

    Thanks again Renee for making us think about these things.

  • Amitabh Pandey

    Reply Reply September 22, 2010

    Trust is all about developing the relationship. You trust more whom you love & love is like a precious flower that grows best in a garden where the soil is fertile & the weeds are pulled. Weeds grow naturally in our relationships as mistakes, confusion & miscommunication, & must be pulled or cleared up as soon as possible to maintain trust. lies, deception & hidden agendas are the worst kinds of weeds, for sooner or later they strangle relationships & destroy trust. To start your relationship makeover, write down three weeds that you have allowed to grow. You can start with something small or jump right in with the biggest weed of all, taking our partner or their love for granted, which is a surefire way to have love fade away.

    Step two in relationship makeover is making a list of things that you can do to let your partner know what he means to you. Does he have a soft spot for something? Is there something that you could do to remind him of the most romantic part of your courtship? Just saying ‘I love you & trust you’ is not enough. love needs to be expressed in hundreds of small ways.

    Step three is easy. Take some action today! Without deeds of love, words lose their meaning. When we do this, our relationships cannot help but grow, in fact, our relationships are made over, fresh & new day by day. As we practice the laws of love, the weeds in our relationship disappear all by themselves & the trust is maintained.!

    Most people are frequently in danger of “flying apart” Living at their periphery, they vibrate more violently the faster they whirl through life. Few people think of themselves as even having a centre. They are forever “on edge” Understanding comes by getting mentally inside whatever it is we are trying to understand – to gaze outward, so to speak, from its centre rather than inward from its periphery. The secret of understanding other people is to identify with them at their centre. To find the centre of anything or anyone, first withdraw to your own centre & project your feelings empathetically from that point.

    The more you attune yourself from your centre to the centre in everything, the more you will experience the sympathetic inter-relationship in the universe that makes possible the perfect understanding of all things. Depend not on intellectual analysis, which separates & compartmentalizes things, but try to feel the heart of whatever it is you are trying to understand.

    • Shawna

      Reply Reply March 10, 2011

      I love everything you have to say; always so insightful and informative. Thank you!

      • Jade

        Reply Reply March 7, 2013

        very enlightening~

        was written many years ago.. and yet i was somehow drawn here I believe just to hear this ~

        thank you

    • Jen

      Reply Reply October 2, 2013

      wow

  • Matho

    Reply Reply September 21, 2010

    Thank you Renee for such an insightful post on the issue of trust. I have had trust issues in all my past relatioships because of a very strong need for certainty. What you said about choice is really making sense to me. I am always in this constant shift between trusting and doubting most of the time. I will choose to trust the one I luv so that I for once will give my relationship a chance to grow. Be blessed.

  • Jodi

    Reply Reply September 21, 2010

    Renee,
    Once again you have simplified this whole relationship thing. I was married for 5 years and divorced for 10. I have sabotaged many a relationships due to my fear to trust.
    “you must ask yourself: do I value a beautiful and passionate relationship more than I do my own desperation for certainty?

    Many of us also fear regret. ‘If I trust him and he lies to me….then….? Would I have wasted my time?’”. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been operating in both of these. I am changing my mind so I can find what I seek. I will attract goodness instead of fear. And most importantly, I will not make a new partner responsible for past betrayals. Wow, I just felt like I made a new declaration of independence. Freedom from the what ifs. Time to let go of the hurts of the past and fly freely towards my future! Thanks a million for your willingness to write so openly on the power of femininity.Your articles are always timely and useful!!! **hugs**

  • Renee

    Reply Reply September 21, 2010

    @ Cindy: You’re welcome, and that is far-fetched. I’ve heard that a lot too.

    @ Lily: if you don’t trust then you are not open. If you’re not open, then how can you love? What you are saying is very relevant and insightful, Thank You.

    @ Lisa: oh goodness, I will e-mail you. -XxX-

  • Lisa

    Reply Reply September 21, 2010

    Yes, I agree with ALL of this but what if you found out that the “love of your life,” someone you would have never thought, had been cheating on you with another? If you both want to keep the relationship together and your significant other “SEEMS” to be trying to show you that they are very serious about doing this…how do you learn to fully trust again?

  • Lily

    Reply Reply September 21, 2010

    To trust or not to trust?
    If you love you trust. Love= Trust.

    No love, no trust. No trust,no love.

    I choose to mix with people I love and trust.

  • Cindy

    Reply Reply September 21, 2010

    It is hard to trust people. What you are saying makes sense though, it really is a decision for me to make myself. Thanks for this, it’s a different perspective than what I’m used to hearing. Most people in my life just say that you can’t trust anyone, which is a bit far-fetched.

  • Renee

    Reply Reply September 21, 2010

    Exactly Bridgette! What would be the point of anything? I absolutely agree that trust helps the relationship grow. The relationship has no back bone, otherwise. Thanks for your additions :)
    -XxX-

  • Bridgette Marie Williams

    Reply Reply September 21, 2010

    I will choose the danger and risk of trusting for the sake of true love ANY day. I’d rather be proved wrong to show the trust than live my life as though my fellow beings (especially loved ones) are out to get me. Some people may not think that’s particularly intelligent…but trust is to relationships the way plant food is to plants–it feeds them and helps them grow. Without it–what’s the point of anything, really? We’re all going to have moments when we feel isolated and let down. But if we live our life in distrust, those sporadic moments become a WAY OF LIFE!!! If living that way is a mark of intelligence–then kill me now!

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