Every time some cheating or infidelity story hits the front-page news, there are conversations (of course).
And in these conversations, there is inevitably a number of people crying out things like:
“People don’t honor their marriage vows anymore!”
“The world has changed!”
“No-one sticks to their promise anymore!”
“Doesn’t a marriage vow mean anything anymore?!!”
Well, actually – it’s really not the marriage vows that matter.
Don’t you think people like Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods remember they said their marriage vows?
Don’t you think these philanderers KNEW they had something at stake?
Namely, millions of dollars, a reputation, losing the affection of their wife? What about feeling their children hating them at times?
We all know (women and men) intellectually, that we have something to lose when we are unfaithful. No-one is valuing their marriage vows in the moment(s) they choose to be unfaithful.
This is because, it’s not the VOWS that matter. It’s not that promise to ‘forsake all others’.
It’s the daily promise that matters. It’s the actions, rather than words. Words are easy to utter; babies can do it.
It’s the promise of both parties (and even just one member of a relationship can change the relationship) to give DAILY.
It’s really not about the once-off utterance of ‘I do’.
Who cares about the vows when your needs are not getting met and when resources are running super tight?
People don’t often think about the vows the made in the past when they’re struggling in the here and now.
So it’s never about staying true to your vows as such. Rather, it’s about…
It’s About The Person That You Show Up As Daily
We cannot expect our lover to honor some vows – instead we really have to rely on who they are day-to-day.
What is their character? Do they even have any character? Do they offer you or anyone else real loyalty?
In moments of unfaithfulness, people are thinking about what they’re MISSING.
And you bet there are a tonne of men and women missing, craving, wanting things that they don’t feel they can have in their relationship. They’re feeling trapped, unloved, and starved of the feeling of emotional and physical attraction.
Relationships are a constant, daily, 150% mind-body-soul commitment!
And it IS a lot of work.
I challenge you to think of something that could be harder than maintaining a lifelong passionate love affair/relationship/marriage.
Especially after the stress of life, kids and the inevitability of the little wars you have to fight alongside each other each day for the rest of your lives.
Unfortunately, I hardly ever meet people who are willing to be truly invested in their partner!
Few people are truly ready for the ride. So what you need to do is not rely on WORDS – but rather, rely on testing your lover. You have to test love to know that it’s real.
Love that is not tested is not real.
Don’t shy away from the little tests or conflicts that show up in your relationship with a man.
Instead, embrace the conflict and see who he is and how he shows up during these conflicts.
Women Aren’t The Sole Victims Of Unfaithfulness
And ladies, if you think women are the ‘victims’ here, think again.
Women are often just as selfish, and not committed as men, despite what information the trashy media try to feed you.
In fact, the media knows that the majority of people attracted to and interested in the gossip and ‘cheating’ news are women. These stories are written to attract your eyeballs.
They like you feeding off the feeling of fear, because when you live in fear, you stay small and live small.
And small people are easier to control.
And because we are taught to think only of ourselves in today’s society, the vast majority of us simply have developed no emotional fitness whatsoever to have our marriage thrive.
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It’s Rare For Most relationships To Work Out
Think about how rare it is for a relationship to work out, let alone last a life-time alongside the ‘I do’ phrase.
It’s hard. A lot of people want it to be easy, because who really wants to think that they have to come up with new strategies and surprises to fill their partner up with daily, for the rest of your life?
It’s a whole lot easier to just have casual relationships – and often, more appealing, for most of us!
We all just want it to be ‘EASY’ and romantic, and to think it will just last.
Because it’s really not sexy to think of your intimate relationship, and the feeling of being in love as something that has to be worked on.
We think being in love should just come ‘naturally’, like it does in the first 3-9 months where all the feel-good emotions are circulating. How wrong!
Relationships are no exception to anything else you have to work hard at.
Relationships & marriage Always Bring Some Level Of Pain
Even if you do get to marriage, it’s important to remember that to have a relationship is to have pain.
To think that you are going to be able to love without pain, just because you have a relationship is a lie.
Love and passion will be painful, sometimes it will hurt like hell.
But just in case you think I’m the bearer of bad news – I’m not.
Because all the effort and commitment on the part of each spouse (man or woman) is truly worth it.
Relationships magnify emotion. This is what drives us in to them or out of them, and even to ‘never have a relationship again’.
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Your Daily Promise Is Worth 10x More Than Vows
The daily promise in the form of you showing up in a healthy way for your lover is worth ten million times more than a marriage vow.
We cannot rely on vows to keep our lover faithful or invested in us.
Instead we have to rely on our ability to add value to them.
And that’s why it is so rare for a marriage or relationship to work out.
It’s a rare human being that can – and will commit to a daily promise. Too many of us focus entirely on what we are not getting right now – we’re focused on ourselves.
This is natural to us as humans, and worked many thousands or millions of years ago, but now we need spiritual and emotional fitness.
So ladies, if you think that marriage will be your ultimate key to security or happiness, or that it will be the best way to chain down a man or to get what you ultimately want, then you are mistaken.
By the way, I’m not against marriage – I’ve been married for a number of years myself.
I’m simply saying that pointing to a ‘marriage’, or ‘marriage vows’ as a safety net is not a good thing to do.
Nobody really cares about or wants to keep the VOWS. They want to feel something and have deeper meaning in their lives, vows or not.
So what do you think? Do you think this is true? Let me know in the comments below!
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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