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Article updated 2018

“What are people thinking of me?”

“What if they don’t like me?”

“Should I have worn that? Was it not appropriate?”

“What if these men don’t find me attractive?”

“Did I screw everything up?”

“I feel so awful about the way I acted.”

“What if they all turn against me?”

“What if he doesn’t like me?”

“WHY doesn’t he like me?”

“What do they really think about me?? How could I find out?”

Women are good at this. In fact, I’ve never known a woman who hasn’t been good at this. But, being good at something that is bad for you is rarely actually good for you. Even though you might think it is. (Click here to take the quiz on “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

Women worry themselves sick, and (literally make themselves physically sick) worrying what others might think of them and putting themselves through guilt for things that aren’t even their fault. And with facebook and twitter and our lives becoming so public these days, a lot of people are having trouble overcoming social anxiety.

This is what happens when you go EXTERNALLY to look for a way to feel sure of yourself. It’s an external answer to an internal problem. And it’s not even a good answer.

Here’s the thing: we all want to be loved.

The only problem is that, in trying to get that love, we try to be like everyone else. We’re afraid that if we do this or that, they’ll judge us, and think poorly of us. So we try to please. Isn’t that the way it is?

In order to get the love of our peers, we try to blend in, in order to avoid standing out. (read my article about how to be confident with men)

If we stand out, they might judge us. If we stand out, if we express what we think – if we don’t wear any make up when they wear a whole Revlon counter – if they don’t like our new boyfriend – we might die. Socially.

Or so you seduce yourself in to thinking.

And then we go home and wonder why we feel miserable. Why we have trouble falling asleep. Why we’re so scared to approach or meet NEW friends, or new people.

It’s because we’re not being ourselves. It’s as if we need permission to be.

We don’t.

As far as I see it, you either be yourself (be authentic), or you fit in. Most people fit in.

What do you choose?

If you choose to be yourself, good. Keep reading. If you choose to fit in, this isn’t a place for you.

(What is the ONE thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! Click here to find out right now…)

Here’s how to stop worrying what others think of you…

There is only one way to truly stop obsessing over what other people think of you. I was shown exactly how by my man David; both through example, and through discussion. And I feel forever indebted to him for this lesson.

The only way is to know for SURE, within yourself, WHY you do what you do.

This could mean: knowing what you stand for or knowing your own true intentions.

In other words: you can NEVER go OUTWARDS to look for a way (for YOU) to accept your very own self. And expect to feel better.

You can never look outwards, to others, for acceptance. This habit destroys us. It’d paralyzing. How can you do anything? Or take any action, if you fear what others might think of that action?

It’s never about what you DO (people confuse being judged for what they DO with their true INTENTIONS)

That’s why it’s never about what you do; i’s about your intentions. And if you know for sure your own good intentions; then there’s nothing to worry about. (Click here to quiz on “How Feminine Am I Actually?”)

An example: In recent years, like most people, I’ve been invited to events or parties, and on one occasion, I was invited by the host – but when I arrived there, I was not even greeted, ignored when I approached the host to greet them, and left feeling somewhat dumbfounded, wondering: ‘why didn’t they talk to me? What’s going on? Why the hell did they invite me anyway? What did I do? Did I do something? I can’t believe I wasted my time!’

And drove myself crazy thinking about it – until I learned this strategy on how to STOP.

So?

The only solution was to KNOW, deep in my heart, my own true intentions; and that I have good intentions. Regardless of what others think.

This is kind of like a longer version of the term “know thyself”.

Judgments are cheap (they’re everywhere)

See, judgments are cheap. Because people are doing it all the time. There’s no shortage of judgments. It’s the easiest thing for a human to do; pass judgments. And  they’ll never stop. You could be a Mother Teresa and people will still make up stuff about you and your intentions. You cannot escape judgments. Even you make judgments. We all do.

Would you pay$10,000 to get punched in the face by someone who doesn’t care about you?

No?

Oh, really?

Well then, don’t pay the exact same price in your health (stress, tension in your body, anxiety, worry, which can make you very sick) over what some people who don’t even care about you are thinking of you, and what judgments they are making of you.

Here’s the exception…

On the other hand – if you struggle socially and worry about what people are thinking of you – and you ARE in fact deliberately out to try to feel good about yourself by making OTHER people feel bad – then you might deserve to be rejected socially. And you might worry, but that still wouldn’t really serve you.

Instead – CHANGE. Start having good intentions.

Anything that is done from a place where you want to TAKE from other people’s lives is a bad intention.

But if you are merely just BEING YOU – and you are not out to hurt people, or make them feel like they are ‘less’ than you, make them feel guilty or hurt, and if you’re not out to destroy anything – then what do you have to fear?

It’s your responsibility to remember your own intentions, and take confidence and certainty in that at times when you really fear what other people are thinking of you.

But here’s the key: only YOU know your true intentions. You could have totally good intentions, and a man doesn’t want to date you, or people don’t want to socialize with you because they’re unsure of you, they’re unsure of themselves, or just because they were taught by their aunt Betty that they should stay away from people who wear pink t-shirts, or because it’s too far out of their comfort zone, or because they feel they have nothing to add to your life. Yes, it’s true!

If you go and have a conversation with someone, and try to connect with them and end up sounding really weird – and what you have to say doesn’t resonate with them; should you deserve to feel bad? Do you deserve to put yourself through that worry and that stress over what you could have done better to get them to LIKE you?

No!

All you can do is keep moving forward, keep growing, and keep knowing yourself.

Just a reminder: remember, this is NOT about coming across as, or BEING the ‘nicest’ person! (because this is again focusing on the action). You could also have great intentions and your actions are perceived as mean. That’s totally fine. After all, people who are nice all the time are boring as hell.

Focus on what you CAN control rather than on what you cannot control

Some of the world’s most well-meaning leaders and philanthropists have a trail of people judging them and thinking poorly of them.

People will think what they think. You can’t control that.

Better to focus on what you CAN control, versus what you CAN’T control. And what you can control is your own focus and intentions.

(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)

So here is your exercise: every time you notice yourself worrying what others are thinking of you, ask yourself this question:

“Am I coming from a good place in my heart?”

And if you answered ‘no’, then it’s time to correct your intention.

You may want to check out the list of our programs. Click here to go to the page.

Question: What would you classify as a good intention and a bad intention? The more examples the better. Share with us below. I’m looking forward to hearing from you!

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P.S. Connect with me on social media.

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Every day gives new meaningpariyaKathyHollyMarie Recent comment authors
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Every day gives new meaning
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Every day gives new meaning

lol Renee 🙂 I’ve just seen how many times I have already commented on this, post, but I wanted to re-read and post as I’m a different person today than I was yesterday! I just want to say SIMON COWELL… look at him, do you ever think he cares about all the people he hurts and offends and look how many people look up to him, all the people trying to impress, ect, ect, ect. I can’t remember where I read it now or for what purpose but apparently his dad told him to few others with a sign above… Read more »

pariya
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pariya

Thank you like a million times Renee:)

Holly
Guest
Holly

OMG, I’ve just realized, caring what other people think only leaves a person open to being exploited and taken advantage off!

Yes, thankfully I can now say that I’m well and truly free of that trap as I shall no longer allow anyone that right.

In fact I shall walk with my head held high knowing that I’m a free spirit

Holly
Guest
Holly

This one especially applies to me as I’ve been a prise worrier all my life! I like the part were you ask would I pay $10,000 to get punched in the face by someone I dislike, well the answer to that is NO! I live in britian and we don’t have $. Would I pay £10,000 to get punched in the face by anyone then that’s an extreme no. Which brings me to the question, why have I been caring so much about letting everyone else validate my worth other than myself? Why have I crazily given people access to… Read more »

Holly
Guest
Holly

Not only was it the most scariest experiences of my life but also I thought my life would never be the same again. Nobody should ever have to experience another person holding so much power over them in that way. That’s my own definition of mental insanity! The bottom line is that caring what everyone else thinks only leads to mental health issues, being used and taken advantage, plus not having any real friends as people don’t respect or appreciate a passive doormat. Every cloud has a silver lining and the Egyptian psychologist has done me a favour as I’m… Read more »

Holly
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Holly

Currently recieving help from a real psychologist that I wouldn’t have had access to if it had not have been for my experience last year. So for that matter, I’m so grateful and always will be forever and ever. My psychological issues have been life long as my first messages were of devaluation and the only thing I knew how to collect were more and only messages of devaluation. From as young as. three years in age, devaluation has been the only life experience I have known. Something new happened in my life yesterday and that is my daughter is… Read more »

Holly
Guest
Holly

When she thinks she’s going on holiday. She’s only 3 years and 7 months in age so she wouldn’t understand someone telling her shes going on holiday and then mommy telling her no.

The point is I actually stood my ground, asserted myself and told my ex exactly what I thought.

How I feel about myself and my life now are the words strong and courageous, which has been a complete break through as I’ve “spent a lifetime still in scilence, afraid that I’ll say something wrong”.

Kathy
Guest
Kathy

That’sgreat!Good for you! Sometimes I think we have to grt angry to getourselvesout of feeling we need other’s approval 🙂 Also, its so important for anyone’s mental healthto respect themselves and expectrespect from.others. Trust in your judgement 🙂

Marie
Guest
Marie

I’m reading this in a perfect time. It is only a weeks ago when I became aware of how obsessed I’m with what people think of me. Recently, I chose to do whatever I wanted as long as I’m certain of the goodness of my thoughts and intentions. Reading this article today is a reconfirmation of the soundness of my choice. Thanks a lot Renee 🙂 Real thanks.

Natalie
Guest
Natalie

In short, a good intention is done with a pure heart, not expecting anything in return. A bad intention can be disguised as “good”. In the South, there is a such thing as “nasty-nice”. This is used in an indirect way with double meaning to hurt someone’s feelings. If this method is detected and mentioned, you are minimized saying that you are just being “sensitive” and that was not meant at all. This is one example of a bad intention to hurt someone, which on the surface to a bystander would be missed. Another form of a bad intention is… Read more »

Elahe
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Elahe

That was amazing! It really inspired me and awakened something inside me, something that makes me feel relaxed and connected with you Renee and other people here, who have mutual feelings…
Thank you with all my heart Renee, You are so inspiring!
Your words in this article reminded me of what Paulo Coelho, the great Brazilian writer has told:
“Stop thinking all the time that you’re in the way, that you’re bothering the person next to you.If people don’t like it, they can complain. And if they don’t have courage to complain, that’s their problem.”
I love you Renee! Best wishes for you.

Erin
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Erin

I really like the point about getting punched in the face. (*Laughs*) I’ve let bullies ruin my whole life for years. While they’ve moved on to better things and I haven’t seen them anymore (it’s been 4, almost 5 years), I’m still being affected by them day to day. If they knew, I’m sure that they would feel so satisfied… That’s sad, isn’t it? Standing up to them was really the hardest thing I’ve ever had to try, and I didn’t succeed. Anyway, I’ve once read that one third of people will like you, one third of people simply won’t… Read more »

Ivy
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Ivy

This is the most sound, helpful advice I’ve ever read irt not worrying what people think. I love the idea of not looking for validation externally but just ensuring your own intentions are good.

Kira
Guest
Kira

I’ve been told that I’m: mean, greedy, stuck-up, selfish, and uncaring. I must be a horrible person, right? They wouldn’t think that if it wasn’t true. No, it comes from a lack of understanding. When I’m being greedy and selfish, I’m trying to take care of myself first so that I can give. When I’m being mean, I’m standing up for myself and setting boundaries. When I’m stuck-up, it’s actually fear. and when I’m being uncaring, I’m really looking out for their best interest by giving them what they need instead of what they want. As for world leaders, I… Read more »

elaine
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elaine

Hi there, People pleasing is something ive done for a while. You’re so right, people pleasers, are in fact more prone to manipulative behaviour & giving power to men to walk over you, well in my case me. I think I give the impression of being soft although I’m not, & it really has made me ill, always feeling i need to justify myself, again, this giving power to the other person however, I now have my boundaries & after leaving my husband, I’m finding myself again but the one thing ive learned is to value myself more & hold… Read more »

Annette
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Annette

Renee you truly are inspiring!
You have no idea how much your entries have
helped me reframe my mindset; it’s really
going to help out with my self development
as well as my relationship 🙂
Just cant thank you enough—
I only wish I’d found your blog earlier! much love!

Renee
Guest
Renee

Hi Annette, thanks for your comment. And thanks for taking the time to re-frame your mindset. This is not an easy thing to do, and you are the amazing one for doing it. Thanks for reading!

Courtney
Guest
Courtney

Love your blog and site. I have a feeling I’ll be poring over ALL of your articles in the coming weeks. Thanks for the perspective. 🙂

Renee
Guest
Renee

You’re welcome Courtney, that’s what I wrote them for 🙂

Mona
Guest

Good intentions: Talking to a guy because i think he is cute and i want to get to know HIM, not sex him up. The idea of connecting with someone in a Positive manner Cutting my hair really short in the summer because I intend to feel good about myself My intention is to finish my homework and study before finals, not to ignore you. But you did catch me at a bad time :3 Bad intentions: Flirting with a married woman/man Stealing someone’s boy/girlfriend with the intention of trying to make them sell their family business to you so… Read more »

Manda
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Manda

Sometimes I read these articles and think “wow, this was written for me at just the right time in my life!” I have been struggling with this quite a bit, especially at work, where a lot of my co-workers are very negative and seem to cut others down to make themselves feel better. I feel myself breaking free from the mold of wanting to please everyone at all times, but I’m not quite there yet. Often the best advice is also the most simple, so thanks for this article. We are always told to “be yourself” and to me it… Read more »

megs
Guest
megs

Hi Renne, This is wonderful advice. Being authentic and true to oneself doesn’t come easy to me and it’s something that I’ve been struggling with recently. I am currently in a relationship with a man many years my senior (divorced and with a daughter) whom my family and friends are not totally ok with. It’s been very draining for me trying to get their ‘approval’ until recently when I realized, this is my life and my chioce and my need for their approval is nothing more than a weakness in my character (if i can put it that way). That… Read more »

megs
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megs

ooops…my fist time ‘commenting’ and did not realize my picture would show up. For some reason I have no way of deleting my comment OR the picture. Mind helping me out here…? 😉

Thanks! =)

Renee
Guest
Renee

I got rid of your picture megs, no need to worry 🙂
And Thank You for your comment.

Sally
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Sally

Hi Renee This constant worrying i can definatley relate to, i always want to please others and get there acceptance and worry if i upset them even if they have treated me bad. I really want to change as i have never been able to stand up for what i believe as i am alawys too afriad of other peoples reactions and because of this i have become such a door mat. I really want to change as i am now very concerned as my daughter is copying my behaviour. I dont want her to feel inside all these years… Read more »

Renee
Guest
Renee

Hi Sally, Thank You. 🙂 Yes, you must find something bigger than yourself (something outside of yourself), and get leverage on yourself, so that you have a big enough reason to change. ‘Wanting to change’ destroys good intentions of people wanting to change every day. In other words, wanting to change will never lead you to change. You either make it a must, and do it, or you sit around, ‘wanting’ to change. Unfortunately, wanting is never enough. The evidence is everywhere. If you can associate enough PAIN with not changing, then you have leverage. In this case, my hint… Read more »

Sally
Guest
Sally

Yes that does make sense and I have to change. I just really honestly dont know how or where to start, your absolutley right as i have been treated bad by my husband. Ive never stood up for myself ive been the same since childhood, but i want better for my beutiful little daughter.

I dont want to suffer this no more, i understand that i have to do it but how ??

S x

Renee
Guest
Renee

Hi Sally, if your daughter needed a doctor urgently, if she fell from the top of a slide on a playing ground (excuse the random example), and she was badly hurt, and you drove her to a local hospital and it wasn’t open, would you stop and say ‘but how do i find an alternative hospital’? or would you just find the damn hospital and take her there? My point is that the why is what will get you to the how. Even if I gave you the how, you’ll still ask the same question later on and feel stuck… Read more »

Sally
Guest
Sally

Hi Renee This constant worrying i can definatley relate to, i always want to please others and get there acceptance and worry if i upset them even if they have treated me bad. I really want to change as i have never been able to stand up for what i believe as i am alawys too afriad of other peoples reactions and because of this i have become such a door mat. I really want to change as i am now very concerned as my daughter is copying my behaviour. I dont want her to feel inside all these years… Read more »

Summerhere
Guest
Summerhere

Hi, Renee and David. Thank you for your good writing. This matter actually pops in my mind recent. No, it’s not about what other people think about me but it mostly about what I think about me myself. I want to share something to make myself relax and I welcome any advice from you here. I surround by many people that makes my life feel tough than it should be. Ignorant people, irresponsible people, and selfish people. When I share this to my friends, they looked at me like I’m have a hard life and spread negative vibe. This person… Read more »

Renee
Guest
Renee

Summerhere: you’re not happy because of you. Not because of them.

Jason Fonceca
Guest

I whole-heartedly agree, David sounds like he’s ballin’, and I’m thrilled about this kind of advice. On a somewhat related note:

I’m just about to release a free 42 page report to my subscribers on HOW to BE YOU.

I find this advice is everywhere “Be you” and amen to that, but… how? 🙂

Renee
Guest
Renee

Hey Jason, good luck and all the best with your report! Be yourself – yes this is something I’ve wondered about too, and I have addressed it in this post: https://www.thefemininewoman.com/2011/02/the-secret-to-being-yourself/
xoxo

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