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Article updated 2018

Having too Much “Baggage” is now the New Excuse for being Gutless

For a little while, several years back, I did manage to convince myself that I had too much baggage to be involved in a relationship. (Click here to take the quiz “Are You Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

It’s exactly the same thing as saying:

“I am not ready for a relationship right now.”

“I am not ready to have children.”

As for the statement that I had too much baggage, I realised that (excuse the bad language) everybody is screwed up. We sometimes like to think that we have the most baggage so that we have an excuse not to do the scary things in life. In reality, other people are just as scared.

And as for the statement that “I am not ready” – nobody is ever ready. Ready for what? Ready for everything to be totally functional? Nothing ever functions the way we want it to. Functionality is for prison (and even then not everything is functional).

Assuming that you are ready assumes that you have control over everything in life, and, in actual fact, humans have far less control than we think we do. We also have a lot more control than we think we do (once we educate ourselves and stop lying to ourselves about relationships and the important things in life). But in actual fact, our subconscious decisions act much FASTER than our rational thought.

We make decisions and take actions irrationally, and then justify them in our heads. (read my article on stop doing the right thing)

And, assuming that you have too much baggage is assuming you will someday be rid of it and be ‘perfect’ for a relationship. Really, though? You can never be totally perfect for anything, and neither should you expect a man to be totally perfect for anything (though a lot of women do) and you can never avoid having bits and pieces out of place, or quirky habits and crazy, irrational thinking. Things happen, you make mistakes and you will also get hurt. It’s life. It’s also a part of love and dating.

By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only.

So here is what I learned along the way:

Saying I have too much baggage was another way of saying: “I am gutless.” “I am too scared to open to love because it’s too scary.”

It was MY reason to sit in the corner in the fetal position and choose SECURITY over love. But security is an illusion. And a moment-to-moment illusion at that. It’s an illusion we create in our minds that disappears as fast as it comes. 

What I’ve learned, after being together with my love for so long, and starting at such a young age, is that loving another person is almost never about whether you are ready, or whether you have too much baggage. I learned that that was my selfishness getting in the way.

Loving another takes courage, and it’s simply not for everybody. This is why, after being in a relationship for a while, being single starts to seem so appealing.

And if it’s not being single that’s appealing, it’s staying in the relationship out of comfort that is appealing. Being there, but not really being there. And I think that is selfish.

So here’s the solution:

Open in your fears. The moment where you are most scared, open. Be and live as how you were made to live. As love.

The moment you think ‘oh gosh I have way too much baggage’ is the moment you need to stop, just stop reacting and BE THERE with a man, or with a friend, or with yourself. That is your best solution. Scary, but it works.

And, sometimes, it helps to be a bit kinder to yourself when you’re talking to yourself in your head.

One of the reasons why we want to avoid being in a relationship and use the ‘too much baggage’ excuse is because WE are judging ourselves the most harshly when things don’t go right. Or when we do something or give something to a man, and it exposed our insecurities and our feelings of shame. And that’s painful. And it makes you tired to keep judging yourself for everything. (read my article about how to be confident)

So when would now be a good time to talk to yourself a bit more kindly?

What is the ONE thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! Click here to find out right now…

Want to learn the 17 Attraction Triggers? Click here to get the eBook. 

If you liked this article, please leave me a comment below telling me what you think. Thanks for reading 🙂

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Anais
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Anais

Hi Renee Thank you for sharing your perspective about “baggage” in this article. It’s a unique perspective from what I’m accustomed to reading, which usually has the message that all of a sudden we become the perfect man or woman who is “ready” for the relationship. And you’re right, no one is suddenly “ready” for a relationship. Everyone has “baggage”, it’s just that some of us have more confidence with handling it than others. All of this year I began addressing all my insecurities about relating to people in general and men. I believe in the law of attraction and… Read more »

yasinta
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yasinta

Wow… what an eye opening, all this time we tend to give up when things doesn’t seem right or wish the man would change to become what we expect him to be to difine wheter he’s nice or not, but yea that’s selfish.
From how I implement Renee’s advises, it abselutely scary, fearfull and it took me beyond my limit.
Thanks Renee for the encouragement.

Love!

how to find inexpensive green lean body capsule
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Having Too Much Baggage: The New Excuse for Being Gutless | Attraction & Love for Women

Cami
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Cami

What does it means to be opened to love ? to be opened to fear? I understand the verbs, but maybe i don’t really understand the deep meaning…

Kira Occido
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Kira Occido

In the last relationship I was in, I broke up with him when I realized staying in the relationship was appealing because it was comfortable. It was easy, and I knew that I would have someone to fall back on. I was scared to break it off, so scared of being lonely. But in the end, I felt so wrong for wanting to stay with someone for such a selfish reason that I told him everything. He tried to convince me that it was okay, that he still wanted me despite all of that but I couldn’t do that to… Read more »

Renee
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Renee

Kira, I think it’s amazing that you even have this awareness. Thanks for sharing. Yes it’s hard to change, it all depends how much you want to. I know that sounds simple but it is the plain truth. You must value change more than you value comfort and selfishness.

Jackie
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Jackie

I like this article but it hit a nerve with me because speaking to yourself more kindly is so much easier then it sounds… Also, how about when you try to let down the walls and you get called – weird, crazy, clowny, or not taken seriously?? Renee I think that sometimes for all of your writings about “being yourself” you forget that we have many sides and some are positive while others are negative…shouldn’t we be our best selves?? And if that’s the case, then what’s the difference between that and all the fake fronts that we put up… Read more »

Jackie
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Jackie

*you don’t remember how that feels anymore… maybe at some you did

Renee
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Renee

Jackie (and I know which Jackie it is), for all the time you’ve followed me over the past 2 and a half years, and for the times I’ve spoken to you personally, and allowed you on my personal facebook where I didn’t even know you, and all the times you’ve tried to contact me for help, and all the times where I have responded, YOU forget that I did not even know YOU (Heck, I have never even MET you) and I reached out to you regardless. It’s time you learned. For nobody owes you anything. Only you owe yourself… Read more »

Jackie
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Jackie

Hi Renee, please check your email and/or Facebook.

Jackie
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Jackie

Renee – can you please check the Facebook messages of The Feminine Woman Page?? I left a reply for you there.

Kendra
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Kendra

So when would now be a good time to talk to yourself a bit more kindly?

RIGHT THIS INSTANT.

I felt much better when I said that and meant it. I’m still overcoming depression and the damage my past has done to me. Thank you for this reminder on the importance of overcoming our fears in life and love <3

miral
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miral

absolutly drear Renée stay away from anything that can cause problems is not a solution,we must be more positive and forget trying to be perfect all the time,live life with her good and bad side,make mistakes and correct them.take it easy

AuntMandi
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AuntMandi

I went through a highly litigious divorce, lost custody of my child after 10 years, and then got a stalker. When I had the chance to catch my breath, I learned about Renee. In about 5 months I have lost 10% of my body weight and am dating up a storm. Yes, I’m looking for a prospective husband. Thanks for freeing me up, Renee!

Renee
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Renee

No, Thank yourself, for you are the one doing all the hard work 🙂

paulina
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paulina

I had many experiences that makes me feel sorry to myself. Expecially my relationship to man…sometimes feels I want to turn back the time and make all repairment…Very agree, “Self-Hate always become big issue for woman and “Let go” is the key to release us…Thank you for great thinking Renee…this is deep 🙂

Sara
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Sara

I took Family Science last Spring semester at my university, and my teacher said that self-love is required before you can love another person. It seems whenever I judge myself harshly for every little thing that goes wrong, my confidence goes down and any man I try to get close to feels that negative energy and thinks it is his fault. Self-hate seems to be a vicious cycle, and it seems whenever I let go of my mistakes, learn from them, and move on, I feel like I have a happier love life. Splendid article as always Renee! Keep up… Read more »

Renee
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Renee

Thanks Sara. And I think you’ve brought up a good point. ‘Let go.’ It’s something women (and I) must consciously allow to happen. We hang on to so much!

Deb
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Deb

I had more guys reject me for having ‘too much baggage’, not from a lack of me trying to have a relationship! I wanted one, they didn’t. Fortunately I found my husband, he didn’t care about it. He just says ‘ you gotta let go, we all have baggage ‘ and I do when he reminds me! 😀

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