Boring Women Versus Crazy Women

Article updated 2018

There’s a tendency among many women to just be nice. These are the kinds of women whom we call pleasers. Boring.

Pleasers are the kinds of women who are so afraid of losing love, so afraid of being judged, so afraid of being talked about behind their back (by the way, this is always going to happen – to everybody). So afraid of being alone, that they will do anything to please. Anything to be in everybody’s good books.

There’s an old saying: “you can’t please everyone”. This is true but also misses the point. Don’t please anybody. That’s not the point. Pleasing gets you nowhere because pleasing is about You.

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Guess what? Ironically, it’s the most quiet, the most kind, the ‘pleasers’ who end up hurting people. Because they’re so afraid of losing love that their main focus is on getting that love and acceptance. These people go behind people’s backs to satisfy that itching fear of loss. (read this article about fear of being alone)

Sadly, we became pleasers at a young age. Sitting at our school desk, being told to ‘si’down!’ ‘shuddup!’ ‘do your homework!’ ‘don’t disturb others!’ ‘how dare you talk back to me!’. And if you grew up in China, it’s a whole lot worse.

Do you know what happens to boring women? they end up feeling lonely because they’ve obstructed their own growth by being safe. And life always eliminates you if you don’t grow. We used to be lucky to live to 30 – we barely existed for anything other than procreation. Now? We’re flying people to the moon and back. We talk on cell phones. We are here to grow. In order to grow, you will end up upsetting some people. If you were to always try to make everyone happy with you, you will be miserable and alone. Oh, and boring.

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The problem with not being boring is that you risk something else. Something that might be a whole lot scarier than just not getting the approval of other people. You risk challenging others. You risk creating a fuss. You risk being talked about. A lot. You risk people calling you crazy. Yes, for most average people, if somebody comes along and doesn’t seem to be normal, who is a little different; they’ll label you crazy just to feed their own certainty and significance.

Here’s the irony: we’ve been taught to pull ourselves in line so human beings can have certainty; so that we can apparently have a better quality of life and be more agreeable. However, a bit of crazy is necessary for a woman to be alive. That is ultimately the biggest cost to you as a woman when you go into a pleasing mode and become boring – you lose that sense of aliveness and that femininity that is so charming and such a gift to everyone you come across. You become dead inside.

We’ve been conditioned to not be leaders and to listen to ‘authority’. Well, now, anybody can be an authority if they have the courage and hunger for it. The world is changing. Crazy isn’t such a bad thing if you’re coming from a good place, if you truly care about people. The world needs women who aren’t pleasers. Surprisingly, trying to please others all the time rarely contributes something positive to their life in the long-run. To be a good friend, a good lover, you can’t let fear rule over you.

Yes, you may feel lonely for a little while and lose some loose friends, but soon enough you’ll attract the kinds of friends who challenge you, cherish you and love you for being authentic. As well as men who deserve you.

One more thing: men don’t like women who are pleasers. At least not the kind of men you would truly respect anyway. Guess what kinds of men pleaser women attract? Men who like to take. Men who disrespect you.

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(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)

What is your opinion on this? Do you think that often, women try to please too much?

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LoveYourselfFirst1120
LoveYourselfFirst1120

I am a recovering pleaser. I’ve always “pleased” (not even at first just slip into it somehow). I just met a man on New Years, and tested him with the wallet and keys trick, we opened up to eachother, and was just really really enamored and starting to really like him and I did one thing to please him (I acted out of fear maybe looking back & I had sex with him because I completely believed he would be committed) and bam he was gone. My bad! I am not beating myself up over it as best I can,… Read more »

Jessica
Jessica

It’s really a waste of time and energy trying to please people because you’ll be miserable, resentful, and alone. Masks hide deceit and misery for a short amount of time. I like being authentic and don’t care about pleasing anyone. I do care about other people’s feelings. I simply do me and people either accept me or not. I’m not pleasing anyone but God and will continue on my journey.

Muma

I am 22 yrs old turning , 23 in August and Iv been people pleasing my way through life and tired because i feel like i might end frustrated in life and not get the things i want and get the things done that i want done , but then i dont really know how to break the habit.

Holly
Holly

Honestly, this habit is harder to break than coming off heroin. I kid you not! Because I’ve had this underlined behavior for so long; it’s deeply ingrained. I gave up smoking, coffee, psychotic medication, I left a controlled relationship were I felt brain washed to manipulation, I’ve done a few things out the norms that not everyone would have the will power to do. A Makeover, I even saved clothes for over a year that I wouldn’t touch until I reached the desired result, all whilst wearing scruffy clothes and nobody understood the mentality. I’ve done a few things, but… Read more »

Holly
Holly
Reply to  Holly

Lol, NO, I don’t actually mean that to break a people pleasing habit is harder to break than heroin!

No, what I mean is that I would probably feel it easier to break external habit as I’ve already accomplished giving up bad habits of smoking and psychosis medication (which is adviced not).

Just to put that point across for English grammar reasons as heroin has never been a drug I experienced. And never will for that matter. Proudly.

Joan
Joan
Reply to  Holly

No one can be as much of a pushover as I was, Holly. lol Just kidding. No I really was a pushover. I found this site because I was wanting information on authenticity, I discovered it all on my own. I just sat at home one day and told myself I’ll just be the real me from now on. I made a commitment to that. Then I turned on the computer and research and bam I’m here. Authenticity saved me. I was stuck with dealing with my very difficult mother who told me I was not a real woman cause… Read more »

HELGA
HELGA

I HATE ONLY BECAME A WOMAN WHO ALWAYS PLEASING MY EX-HUSBAND, BECAUSE HE DIDN’T CARE AND NOT OLNY THAT IF IM NOT SAY THE SWEET WORDS AND PLEASE HIM, HE ALWAYS CHEATING ON ME, SO I DIVORCE HIM

Chanel
Chanel

My BF did something hurtful to me over the weekend…I was so mad about it. All of Renee’s articles go through my head when I am in a situation with a guy, and I remembered this post. So as I was sitting there pissed over the issue and not really knowing what to say to him because being nice about it was accomplishing nothing. I was saying things like “babe, why won’t you talk to me, why did you break our plans, are you OK?” etc. After that accomplished nothing, I just decided to keep it very real and tell… Read more »

Mghow_Masculinist
Reply to  Chanel

It’s great that you made progress with getting your bf to understand but it’s a real shame you couldn’t have done so without the cussing. As soon as you cuss, often you lower yourself to another persons level, it is very unfeminine and outright rude and disrespectful.

You may find that men will simply disengage from you if you do that enough times. A man who really cares will give you a few chances but be warned, cuss enough times and most will just leave.

holly
holly

This is a great read Renee and David. What a brilliant contribution your both making to the world. I’ve read this article before but I wanted to re-read it after today’s psychology sessions I had. The psychologist said that “perfection is boring”. Although I need to work on this aspect of myself, I can gladly say that yesterday I I went against my people pleasing instincts. My neighbor was gossiping about another neighbor. To cut to the point, she said that someone’s girlfriend had left him because she didn’t love him anymore and something or another about the poor children.… Read more »

holly
holly
Reply to  holly

NO that’s not such a bad thing. Although it’s NOT the ideal situation that a family has split, I completely disagree with people staying together just for the sake of it. The women told me herself that she’d been with him since the age of 15-27. People grow and change over time and the point is they were only kids themselves when they got together. Ipersonally think that she was being kind parting from him as it’s selfish to stay in a relationships if I was person doesn’t love the other. Sure it will be painful for him initially but… Read more »

holly
holly

Great read renee! Well I can now gladly say that i’m the ultimate boring women; i’m practically a walking dead soul. For so long i’ve been walking around passive, people pleasing and prioratizing everyine else before myself. Only the truth will set me free, right. I’m just about ready to put a few people in their places My mom for instance, actually had the nerve to come back to me and say that her boyfriend, now husband said that i’m too much into my astrology. For my mom to actually translate this is a complete insult! What she should have… Read more »

clueless
clueless

why why why do woman I know that are nice and personable get with someomne that is a nobody or has no backbone or manner’s, do they feel sorry for losers or dont have enough gumption to wait for a good guy to treat them nice? I be a good friend to one or another one,,,noooo they dont want that ,,,all they want is to mess around and then be jerked into another thing with a loser, and im looking at this and wondering are they crazy or something? this hot neighborhood girl i was after, I liked her alot… Read more »

rose

soooo true!!! about woman pleasers attract men who only want to take!!! the most thing they take IS ADVANTAGE OF YOU… and try to control you!!!!!!!

female intuition
female intuition

its not ur resposibility to please a man,,its just ur ability to please ur selves together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!as a couple..!!!!!!!u cannot change nor please any man,,u can only change,,please ur selves……ladies!
..learn how not to think too much with ur hearts,,,then u wont have these problems,,like me.

Lisa
Lisa

This post reminds me of the apparent dichotomy between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. I think they are examples of the two extremes: Jennifer is the sweet, giving “good girl” (what you call “boring”) and Angelina is the tough, outrageous (and frankly borderline crazy) “bad girl.” Personally I think that while Angelina’s interesting, ultimately she wears people out and they leave seeking to find some peace. She has no boundaries and she’s incredibly selfish. As has been stated, it’s about balance. Don’t be a doormat when it comes to values and morals … but don’t be a crazed man-eater either.

Masaleen

Thank you Renee, I really needed to hear this. I’m struggling with just this right now…In order to keep myself from hurting, I’ve been a bit of a “boring” person…quiet, nice (I’ve kind of been this my whole life, though). But I’m finding people DO still talk behind my back! People DO still judge me! If not for anything but being BORING! Haha. I think I especially started to become a pleaser around my fiance’s family, because I want them all so much to like me. Ironically, this “nice, boring” me is NOT sitting well a particular family member, who… Read more »

Renee
Renee
Reply to  Masaleen

hahah, see? Crazy is good! 😉 You’re a wonderful, beautiful woman Masaleen, and I know you’ll be OK. -XxX-

Renee
Renee

Hey lovelies! 🙂

So that I can keep my posts short, I don’t always delve in to everything completely, as I did in the earlier days of this blog.

However, I do want to emphasize that I want people to take away from this post that there’s a difference between being a pleaser and focusing on contribution.

Wanting to please is no problem if you’re coming from a place of contribution. However, as I explained, many please simply to avoid not being accepted or loved. This is coming from a place of fear.

Kim Gillespie

Hi Renee,this is a great post, I have been the people pleaser, the woman who puts eveyone else first.
By the time I got to 40, I was wondering who am I? where did I disappear to ?

I am happy to say, that I am now one of those women who enjoy life, I make decisions based on joy and pleasure …. if I know I am not going to feel joy when I do something … I won’t do it !

Life is an amazing adventure .

Kisses
kim

Kylie
Kylie
Reply to  Kim Gillespie

Kim – thank you so much for your short but very sweet comment. I have just turned 37, and a week ago I ended a relationship because I too have been wondering: Who am I? Where did I disappear to?

Whilst I’m still going through the hurt and sadness of the break up it’s very encouraging to hear from someone who’s been there and come out the other side a shining light.

Here’s to my discovering the adventure of life!!!

K xxx

Jennifer
Jennifer

Good Job Renee, great post!

IronicHipster
IronicHipster

I was so happy to read an article that was, for once on this blog, just about me and not about PLEASING MEN (oh the sweet, sweet irony)… And then I come to the “one more thing.” Such a disappointment. It’s fine if there are some articles about men, but this is craaazy. The name of this blog is incredibly misleading. Sorry. Now that I think about it, I have never come across a website related to femininity that wasn’t just like this :(. This is all wasted on me anyways since I’ve always been a masculine woman. Well, bye… Read more »

Jess
Jess
Reply to  IronicHipster

You must not know this blog very well at all if you think it’s all about pleasing men. Then again i wonder why a self-confessed masculine woman would be here at all reading the articles (oh the sweet, sweet irony).
Try using the section ‘topics’.

IronicHipster
IronicHipster
Reply to  Jess

I went here to get a second opinion on things. You know, different viewpoints. Now please point me to a post that isn’t about pleasing/seeking the approval of me because, yes, I don’t know this blog really well.

Lauren
Lauren
Reply to  IronicHipster

For a “self-confessed masculine woman”, IronicHipster sure is pretty sweet for her graceful response to Jess.

Ironic, huh? 🙂

Jane doe
Reply to  Jess

Hey Renee and all the Ladies, For all the women out there just an example of not being too nice and making your point in a funny crazy way, I so much agree with this thought…Women really need to be individuals and personalities…their own… I had a guy at a place that I really was attracted to and still am but he texts me to come outside to kiss him goodnite or goodbye for the evening, Little did I know he was sitting inside talking to another female at the bar when I thought he was outside awaiting my arrival..So… Read more »

pieceofpaper
pieceofpaper
Reply to  IronicHipster

@Ironichipster:Actually,this acticle conveys some true,but it also make me think about how much a typical woman tries to please men in every way: to be eye-pleasing at her expenses,to behave exactly like men find it pleasing without any consideration of her personality and very nature and etc.It had made me to think that my life as woman has lesser value than those of man.Woman is the most discriminated creature on the surface of Earth.She cannot even express herself without being “against the rules”,”crazy=infantile” and many etcs…. But what is the point of living “like it always was and it always… Read more »

Livi

How do you find the happy medium? I’m naturally “boring” in the sense that I enjoy the quiet life. That’s not to say I’m not passionate, I am, but I happily choose home life over my passions because ultimately a happy home life is the thing I am most passionate about.

JP
JP

Well I have a pretty laid back personality. I like to go with the flow on most things. Some might consider that people pleasing. But I will stand up and speak out when its something I feel strongly about, regardless of who it might offend. I have my convictions. In general, I think I try to save people’s feelings, be fair and polite to everyone, but Im not going to let you run over me. Im not going to do everything you ask me to do either. I know how to say no. I do have leadership abilities… I am… Read more »

VolleyGirl
VolleyGirl

Hi Renee, From my short life experience(lol) I have concluded that most of the time, women tend to be pleasers. I am refering when it comes to love relationships. They are afraid that they will lose the man they are interested in , if they don’t act a cartain way, talk in a certain way, dress in a certain way and the list goes on… I think that this is also related with low self esteem. When people try to please other people , they tend to forget about their opinions and dreams? Their plans are all focused on the… Read more »

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