For a little while, several years back, I did manage to convince myself that I had too much baggage to be involved in a relationship.
It’s exactly the same thing as saying:
“I am not ready for a relationship right now.”
“I am not ready to have children.”
As for the statement that I had too much baggage, I realised that (excuse the bad language) everybody is screwed up. We sometimes like to think that we have the most baggage so that we have an excuse not to do the scary things in life. In reality, other people are just as scared.
And as for the statement that “I am not ready” – nobody is ever ready. Ready for what? Ready for everything to be totally functional? Nothing ever functions the way we want it to. Functionality is for prison (and even then not everything is functional).
Assuming that you are ready assumes that you have control over everything in life, and, in actual fact, humans have far less control than we think we do. We also have a lot more control than we think we do (once we educate ourselves and stop lying to ourselves about relationships and the important things in life). But in actual fact, our subconscious decisions act much FASTER than our rational thought.
We make decisions and take actions irrationally, and then justify them in our heads.
And, assuming that you have too much baggage is assuming you will someday be rid of it and be ‘perfect’ for a relationship. Really, though? You can never be totally perfect for anything, and neither should you expect a man to be totally perfect for anything (though a lot of women do) and you can never avoid having bits and pieces out of place, or quirky habits and crazy, irrational thinking. Things happen, you make mistakes and you will also get hurt. It’s life. It’s also a part of love and dating.
So here is what I learned along the way:
Saying I have too much baggage was another way of saying: “I am gutless.” “I am too scared to open to love because it’s too scary.”
It was MY reason to sit in the corner in the foetal position and choose SECURITY over love. But security is an illusion. And a moment-to-moment illusion at that. It’s an illusion we create in our minds that disappears as fast as it comes.
What I’ve learned, after being together with my love for so long, and starting at such a young age, is that loving another person is almost never about whether you are ready, or whether you have too much baggage. I learned that that was my selfishness getting in the way.
Loving another takes courage, and it’s simply not for everybody. This is why, after being in a relationship for a while, being single starts to seem so appealing.
And if it’s not being single that’s appealing, it’s staying in the relationship out of comfort that is appealing. Being there, but not really being there. And I think that is selfish.
So here’s the solution:
Open in your fears. The moment where you are most scared, open. Be and live as how you were made to live. As love.
The moment you think ‘oh gosh I have way too much baggage’ is the moment you need to stop, just stop reacting and BE THERE with a man, or with a friend, or with yourself. That is your best solution. Scary, but it works.
And, sometimes, it helps to be a bit kinder to yourself when you’re talking to yourself in your head.
One of the reasons why we want to avoid being in a relationship and use the ‘too much baggage’ excuse is because WE are judging ourselves the most harshly when things don’t go right. Or when we do something or give something to a man, and it exposed our insecurities and our feelings of shame. And that’s painful. And it makes you tired to keep judging yourself for everything.
So when would now be a good time to talk to yourself a bit more kindly?
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