Passive Agressive and Difficult Women – What to do about them

passive aggressive women

What to Do about Passive Aggressive Women

The woman whom you had such a great connection with yesterday, but all of a sudden, won’t even look you in the eye if your face is half a centimeter away from hers.

The woman who is giving off the impression that something is wrong through her body language, but isn’t telling you what it is, and isn’t even giving you an opportunity to do something about it.

The woman who won’t even talk to you or acknowledge you.

The woman who has her back to you when you’re talking to her.

The silent treatment.

The rolling of the eyes.

The hostile body language.

The woman who just doesn’t seem to care about you or the friendship you had with her anymore (because dealing with the problem that has arisen is 1,000 times harder than it is to just not care about you anymore).

The bitch face her and her friends pull when you walk in to the room.

The woman who slams doors to get some power.

The woman who gives ambiguous instructions, requests, statements or answers.

The woman who clearly doesn’t understand you, what you do, or why you do it, but couldn’t give a rat’s butt about asking you about it and trying to understand. Judgement is much safer.

The woman who moves things, says things, and organizes things in a way that seems to give off the impression that you or something you are doing is bothering her, but when you ask her about it, you get a curt and reluctant “no! Nothing is wrong!” and then she either walks off or tries her hardest not to talk to you again.

(An extreme example): the woman who threatens to hurt herself or somebody else when you confront her about something.

“What. the. hell.” Seems to be the only possible answer when you’re faced with a situation like this, since you feel so trapped and dishonored as a person. (read my article about the best revenge to bad girlfriends)

It’s much easier to make you wrong

One of the most painful things about being in this situation is that usually, women who act this way are making you wrong, and making you out to be a villain, without even considering that they themselves, have been far from perfect in their actions towards you. Even if they do acknowledge they could have been better in their actions – they nonetheless repetitively act from a place that makes you bad and them perfect.

It’s much easier to outsource blame for their own shortcomings and ill intentions.

Often, you know, they could just “not like what you wear” (which is just an surface justification for their own insecurities), perhaps they don’t like that you don’t value the same things that they do in life (ie: maybe, they like bitching a lot of the time and you don’t), perhaps their guy friends go on about how gorgeous you are when you’re not around and it makes them feel bad. Perhaps you just trigger them to feel bad about themselves, for whatever reason.

Usually, these women tend to surround themselves with women who are equally insecure and ill-meaning, and so the influence of their “friends” make it much harder for you to get through or solve a problem with them.

However, to be fair, I have to say that all of us have been passive-aggressive at certain times in our lives. It’s just that some women act from that state continuously and out of habit, out of ease and out of fear.

It’s hard because you probably feel like they have bad intentions (though I could debate the theory of bad intention and whether it truly exists, but that’s for another time). They give off a vibe that makes you feel excluded.

Two words to describe these situations:

Draining; and Frustrating.

Just to be sure, passive-aggressive is defined as: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment and aggression in an unassertive, passive way (as through procrastination, sullenness or intentional inefficiency and stubbornness).

Getting the truth out of people is a difficult task

If you are anything like me, you prefer people to just come up to you, and tell you what is going on, or just for them to tell you what the problem is, or you prefer to actually be in the know, so that you can move forward, reconnect the friendship/relationship, grow and learn something.

Here’s the problem: it’s going to be hard to get this (the truth, or their feelings) out of many women, especially if you are not very close to them. Many women won’t throw their fears to the curb in order to deal with a problem related to another woman whom they “don’t like”, don’t have a lot in common with, or feel threatened by.

It’s much easier to just make you wrong. Prepare for this to happen. This doesn’t mean you should expect it from every woman, it just means that you aren’t going to be able to solve this problem in every woman in the world.

My feeling is that many women are going to be way too scared to confront their fears and actually deal with it, because it’s just ‘too hard’!

And it’s worse when these women get in to a group, because as I’ve established before, we become who we spend our time with.

It’s very easy to do the following things when you’re confronted with a woman (or two) who are being passive aggressive:

1) try to get power and significance by controlling something that’s related to them and getting revenge.

2) yell at them.

3) blame them.

4) Confront them in aggression

5) Make them wrong.

6) be passive-aggressive, too.

7) Blame yourself, and think you are the bad person.

8 ) get all hoity toity.

The Solution

Here are the steps to take…

1) Understanding. Ask yourself what is missing in their life for them to continually act passive-aggressive towards you. Usually, they want to feel important and certain about themselves. And usually, they don’t feel particularly important or certain about their worth.

And sometimes, they’re just plain scared. Once you have unserstanding, you can act from a place of compassion, and actually do something about the situation, rather than just letting it rot. Even if it doesn’t work out – you become a better woman through your efforts.

2) Give them what they need, not what they want. They may say they need such-and-such, and it’s easy for you to just take what they say literally and withdraw and then do nothing about it (which could lead to passive-aggressive behavior on your part, too). However, what they really need is to feel important, significant, and to have their identity re-affirmed. Hard to do, I know.

Sometimes they just need to be appreciated for what they do or what they have already contributed, to know that you care,  and to be made to feel safe around you.

3) Do not make them wrong. This will perpetuate their pattern. So, focus more on your feelings and the situation than blaming them.

 

But here’s the bottom line: What you decide to do is nowhere near as important as the meaning you choose to place on the events and the person yoou become as a result of the events – you always must take the high-road. There is absolutely no benefit in hiding from problems, or from confrontations, like they are.

So when do you drop out, give up, and stop trying to influence them? This is entirely up to you. How long you decide to put yourself in to being the leader and initiating a better relationship between you and them is your personal choice.

A story of a house mate…

I want to leave you with one (of many) examples in my life, where I had to deal with this.

I once had a female house-mate who I had moved in with. I didn’t know her prior to moving in. We interviewed each other, and she was in a hurry to get a house mate in, and I was also in a hurry to find a suitable place. Before I moved in, it was clear that we were opposites, however, we seemed to manage to get along well – enough to make the decision to be housemates.

At the beginning, we had great conversations, and some talks about very personal things. However, over time, we began to not talk to each other very much, and we were both busy so we also didnt see each other much – despite living in the same house.

Things were fine for the first 3 weeks. And then I attended a birthday gathering of hers. There were, of course, other women at the gathering. I didn’t get the best vibe from some of them. And it seemed, to me, that after that day, my house mate was suddenly more cold to me. Things went downhill from there.

We both did continue, at times, to make an effort to talk to each other, but when I am in my own home, I tend to be quite reserved and quiet. It became more of a business relationship over time, and our differences were clear:

I have extremely anal standards for myself when it comes to health, fitness and cleaninliness.

She: wouldn’t always clean up properly after herself, spent most of her spare time watching television and making excuses as to why she couldn’t go for a run or do the cleaning or get off the couch. At night time, she would have long and loud phone conversations, complaining about how terrible the quality of men are, that there are no good men, and just generally having a complaint session about other people and calling them names.

She would often be really depressed and not even look at me to say hi, and then when she was in a great mood, she would then talk to me. When she was depressed I would pick up on her mood and just want to get out of her way.

Her lack of cleaning did bother me, but not too much. After all, when it got too messy it only took me 10-20 minutes to clean up after her.

As time went by, as it became clear that we were very much opposites, the tension got to a point where it was too much (as it always happens). We had a heated misunderstanding when talking about kitchen utensils and cleaning utensils.

I proceeded to tell her that if she had a problem with something I was doing, that she could just tell me, since I would sometimes find my stuff moved, or I would pick up on her trying not to talk to me, and even trying to ignore me at times. I had felt for months that she had concerns but wouldn’t tell me anything. She denied she had anything to tell me.

Yet at the same time, when I was talking to her, she would have her back to me, and wouldn’t say much and definitely didn’t look like she wanted to say much.

And that same day, about half an hour after that misunderstanding, while she was on the phone to a friend, I hear the front door slam loudly, while I’m crying in my room, thinking about what I could have done wrong, and getting very stressed over the tension.

Of course, seeing me this way, David (my man) immediately proceeded to look for a new place for me to stay. I was too upset to even think about finding a place, because I wanted to fix the situation I was already in with my house mate.

Anyway, a few hours later in the day, I received a call from David, telling me that he had happened across an ad on the internet – my room had been listed for rent on the internet that very day, stating that it would be available for a move in two weeks from that date.

I was floored. My house mate had not told me about it, but I thought that perhaps, given some time she would tell me about it. So I waited a few days, to see if she would approach me about it. She didn’t, so I confronted her on the 3rd day.

Before I even said anything, she launched in to a few minute-long justification of why it had been put up. Saying she had not gone behind my back. (??) And that she was ‘just looking’ to ‘see what’s out there’, and that her friend told her to put it up.

The (almost) resolution

After talking it through, we came to the conclusion that she thought I was the perfect house-mate – always paid on time, always cleaned, respected the house, was quiet and observed all the requirements we had talked about when I moved in. However – she wanted somebody more ‘like-minded’. She said, like-minded was that we would do some things together, like have a meal or go for a walk along the beach. Fair enough.

She also proceeded to mention that she needs to be told what to do by people, and it took her a week to work herself up to talking to me about something. From this conversation, we decided that we would be more open to each other and make a point to connect with each other.

So I thought, ok, great, we have made a little bit of progress. She also promised to take the ad for my room off, of her own accord.

That was a Tuesday. By Monday afternoon the next week, the ad was still up. She again had not approached me about it. On top of that, in the preceeding days I had made a point to talk to her and initiate conversation, but her response was disappointing to say the least. She just wasn’t bouncing back at me with any more conversation. She was keeping it very business-like.

When I asked her about why the ad hadn’t been taken down, she told me she had asked her friend to take it down for her because she didn’t know how to.

The point is: if it was important enough to her, she would have found a way to talk to me about our problems. And if she really wanted to take the ad off, she would have.

She was indicating, through her actions, that she didn’t value fixing the problem over being comfortable. And she made it harder for me by continuously denying things. It became obvious that she simply did not want to deal with the problem, rather, she would prefer to get somebody else in to the house than deal with our issue (which she hadn’t even brought up in the first place, before she placed the ad up without notifying me about it).

Here’s what I learned from the experience:

1) In order to help the process of her feeling comfortable around me, like her, I was going to have to accept (rather than reject) my own lazy side, and accept the part of me who likes to feel bad about myself (a massive challenge for me). This was really seeing the situation for the gifts it brought to the table. I believe this experience was put in front of me for a reason.

2) I had, at times, been too busy judging her for her laziness, the way she talked about (and treated) men, and her passive-aggressive behavior to actually form a deeper connection with her, which contributed to the whole problem.

3) That my resistance to connecting with her because of our differences, and because I felt like I didn’t want to be ‘brought down to her level’ by associating with her most likely made her feel like she wasn’t enough, which made the situation worse. Her passive-aggressive behavior was already a result of feeling diminished and scared.

4) Going by ‘rules’ – ie: paying all my rent early, religiously cleaning up after myself, keeping to all the house requirements, and being quiet, really isn’t what she wanted or needed. In fact, that kind of thing really isn’t what people perceive value in, even though it may be important to them that you pay your rent on time. What she wanted, since I was living in, and renting a room in her house, was a friend.

5) Either I expend lots of energy influencing her, and myself, to form a good connection with me so that we can live amicably (which was hardly worth it since she had so many other women in her life feeding her ‘reasons’ for her actions, her judgments of me, and influencing her to make the decisions she was making already – why would she sacrifice the love of a number of existing friends who were meeting her needs over forming a connection with a person she hardly knew?) OR

I was going to have to decide to leave the house and in the meantime, take leadership and form common ground and a connection with her.

6) Confronting her with the intensity that I did about the ad being placed on the internet may have been justified, but it was not necessarily helpful in preserving a relationship.

7) Ultimately, since I was living in her house, I felt I was working with a situation where her power was greater than mine, so whilst I would continue to form the connection, I didn’t really want to LIVE within her proximity.

Given the situation, (we were talking about somebody who had placed my room up for rent without telling me, it was not worth my energy. I have a bigger mission to work on than to chase her for not taking the ad down.

That is just one example from my own life of dealing with passive-aggressive women.

Do you have any experiences to share with us? Please share in the comments section below your ways of dealing with passive aggressive women. Looking forward to hearing from you. :)

Renee the feminine woman

46 Comments

  • Kat

    Reply Reply January 19, 2014

    I am in the SAME crazy situation right now, this article couldn`t have come more in time.

    I live with TWO wonderful creatures like this. I try and make efforts to change my life in good, socialise, work hard, and also have fun!

    We are house-mates, roomates, etc. I HAVEN`T BEEN IMPOLITE. I TRIED to make things better, by confronting them and have a “normal” conversation, but they accentuated more how rude and b***s they are.

    And so I did the same, I ignored them completely. They slam doors, windows, when I come home is like being in World War 4. They`re insane !

    I am feminine. I am trying all the time to improve my life, I behaved great with them, I clean the house, MORE than them, etc. She and the other bimbo are lazy asses, and it is EASIER OF COURSE TO blame and judge ME, than work their lazy ASSES off !

    THEY KNOW they have a problem, I even confronted them, but they are out of this world! I never thought envious women can be that crazy! I want to move away as fastly as possible!

    I`ve done nothing to these women, they`re so STUPID! instead of looking in their own backyards (cause they probably have enough reasons and frustrations that they only have THEMSELVES to blame ) they blame me !

    I dont give a f, but its gotten to a point where its plain ridiculous lol ! They formed this “alliance” of frustrated bimbos against me..it amuzez me.

    Never thought haters can be this crazy lol, they can keep their “club”, I dont give a f ! Ill move in a coupple of days.

    p.s. Beautiful site and articles ! Love

    • Momof3g

      Reply Reply March 25, 2014

      Wow!!! I could relate to just about every bit of this article.
      No, I am not perfect, but I’m certainly not passive agressive 99% of my time. In dealing with this for about 20 years now. In a family member.
      At first, I didn’t notice. I defended her.
      Next, I thought it was me. I was ” bad”. Doing something wrong.
      Then, I questioned myself. Is this true!? Am I thinking too much??
      I wasted so much time, energy, emotion on this!!!
      Then, I realized. Ahhh ha. She does this to everyone. Yes, mostly me. Why!? Because I’m the one that married her son. I’m not her child. I can’t ” talk back”! Lol
      I’m the outsider. I’ll be the ” bad guy”!
      Now, it’s trickled down ti m children. Nice!!! Huh?
      Uses my children to prod me. I reply calm and I get ” uh… Just leave me alone!!” :) always the victim.
      So much I can say. I really and genuinely feel badly for her. To live that way your entire life!! I care for her. She has a warm, kind and caring heart. Just so insecure! I’m talk. Blonde. Thin.
      I’m friendly. Kind. Somewhat smart. I wrk hard.
      I don’t complain much. Shoot, if I did… I’d just get ignored or a story how bad she had it. Lol
      I get humming.. Louder n louder. When trying ti talk. I get blank stares.
      Twisted words. Obing if my things when we visit. Loud sighs. Slamming drawers and cabinets.
      Never a thank you. Never a giid morning or goodnight!
      I can go on n on.
      I only get warn down. It’s difficult.
      I remember I’m in HER space and she is threatened and insecure, but no matter how I try…no relief.
      It seems to go in blocks of days.
      It’s hard on my children most.
      They just want a grandma to live them. Show them anyway. :(
      It’s few n far between.
      Being 10, 6, and 2…( well she’s good to the toddler, but uses her loud words to her ti get to me and her sisters), it’s hard to explain when they ask or events toward them transpire.
      Thank you for this!!! It helps to realize we r not alone, seeing things, and gives more understanding.

  • Amanda

    Reply Reply January 15, 2014

    Hi Renee
    I’m knew to your site but your comments and feedback on passive aggressive have been enlightening. As a recent diagnosed pa person by my husband I want to change to make things better. I am finding it hard though my past has always led me not to shown emotions so I don’t get hurt. Put up barriers to protect myself but it LEDs now into a sour relationship that has now come to head. My husband was recently diagnosed with onset diabetes and so to combat this deceived to get fit and healthy and I have to say he has successfully done this. However though he did get through out next door neighbour who is a long term marathon fanatic. However, the training sessions turned into drinking buddies and now they spent all their time together on top of this she acts like a single female and is really obsessed with him. It came to head when my temper rose and I started throwing things then I realised that I had not done this since childhood and the the uncertainty and jealous this has arisen. Now my husband brands me in a box of pay refuses to tell me what he is doing and still hangs out with next door. I have explained to him I don’t like the situation but it doesn’t seem to make any difference. Now when I ask him where he is going he just says I’m being accusing . I’m a little confused as to how to handle this now.?
    I want my life back but I also don’t wan to be passive aggressive

  • Marv

    Reply Reply November 6, 2013

    Everyday that I show u to work, I notice how certain females act around me. Throughout my life, I have been labeled as a Casanova of sorts by overly sexed and competitive females because I am a attractive-introvert. Whenever I show up to do my job (school bus company) I get some mumbled hellos and good mornings from the women at my workplace. My reactions sometimes to kindness aren’t what you can call socially acceptable. I freeze and respond blankly and give off a “you can actually see me” kind of gaze back at them.

    Throughout my life, women have over-looked me until I got you know, hott. And these same women who wouldn’t give me the time of day are now being passive-aggressive towards me. The preemptively rejected me due to my living circumstances and lack of popularity earlier in life. In fact, I am still not very popular in the present day. Being rejected firs by someone, tends to make it easier for you not to like them. Aside from my horrible experiences early on in life, as I’ve aged (in my middle twenties now) women (young and older) are all giddy around me and what I call extremely weird acting. One minute they initiate things with me, then two hours or the next comes around and it’s like they don’t even notice I exist. At first I got very angry, but now I have a simple but effective gameplan.

    Whenever women act passive-aggressive, I’ve found, is when they either have strong feelings (i.e., sexual urges) and want something from you (i.e., money). So, my modus operandi is to not engage them in their games of no-win power struggle. The reason passive aggressive behavior is so all consuming and draining is because we try to neutralize it all at once. Remember, these people have had their whole lives to practice evading and dodging blame where nothing can be traced back to them. Usually, girls will imitate scarring on my face due to eczema and heavy usage of my facial trimmer as a way to get me to feel less confident in myself. Suddenly after they do their passive put down(s), they begin making weird noises and distracting movements to gain my interest and attention. This takes me back to the rejection part where it is easier to not like someone because he or she has rejected you first. So, in my mind I want to see what all the commotion is about. Come to find out, she denies noticing anything noisy or weird going on, which angers me. Once I return to my seat, the unnerving behaviors start up again. As you can see, dealing with passive-aggressive people is an endless game of tug-of-war and they do not rest until you tap-out so to speak first and give them their way from their subtle asking of it. It’s kind of like a guy running from room-to-room to back with an item she doesn’t want (but is incapable of verbally stating) just to do it all over again ad nauseum. another tactic I use is to simply cut them out of my life, period. This can be a little hard to do with family members who act in this manner for approval, validation, control, and most of all negative attention. An occasional compliment or shared activity with this kind of relative usually eases their unreasonable and annoyingly disruptive behavior for several hours, days, or months even. Consistently insisting on what makes your time being in their company is the key to breaking them free of their tried and true patterns of negativity and low self-worth. Firmly asking for what you expect of them and confronting passive aggressive behavior assertively, will weaken the hidden anger.

    • Momof3g

      Reply Reply March 25, 2014

      Uh, your husband should NOT be doing the things you state he is. He is married. Having a female “buddy” … Esp after the marriage , is wrong. Period.
      I think you need to be plain agressive and tell him it’s wrong!
      Ask him if he’d appreciate you doing the same but with a man.
      Get YOU into tip top physical shape. It’ll help you get mentally stronger !!!! You can do it. Watch him either pay more attention to you and your marriage or stay with her. If he chooses her, be happy and move on ti find your own happiness!!

    • Momof3g

      Reply Reply March 25, 2014

      I replied to ” Marv”

  • Bryan

    Reply Reply October 14, 2013

    The solution is to run, screaming, as far and as fast as you can, in random directions so you cannot be followed, and do whatever is necessary to avoid all further contact with such a person. Passive-aggressive is a way to abuse for a lifetime and get away with it. Then they can turn around and accuse you of being “abusive” or being passive-aggressive. No matter what you do, do not try to resolve anything. These types of “people” cannot be lived with. They are perfection–they are higher than God and are not subject to correction or question. Likewise, do not ever, under any circumstances, let on that you have been hurt by their antics. They will then turn that against you, too.

  • Bart

    Reply Reply October 11, 2013

    Renee, I guess kudos for trying to resolve it; but as you ultimately concluded, it wasn’t worth the effort. When she put up the ad, just find another place. As you note, it was her house. That was a no win situation.

    I have a friend who never burns bridges and so passive aggressive behavior against him is just accepted and he goes on. It seems to work out for him in a sense as he generally seems to enjoy good relations and people tend to return to him for friendship and input. I don’t recommend that, though, as it means he remains in a state of status quo while they progress. Why? Because they used him and continue to do so. I deal with it directly and reap no such benefit; but I think I progress, sort of like putting the garbage where it belongs and not being bothered by it. But these people don’t cross me, manipulate me, or use me unwillingly, so in that sense it’s a savings.

    The point is that if they value you in the first place these things resolve without all the effort you had to expend and still be unsuccessful. Figure out the difference and leave behind, amicably, the ones that won’t change or deal with it. For example, your roommate was one to leave, she won’t change, and you did, you just took too long. (She’s a negative rear end for one thing which explains the calls you overheard.) Paulina, though, in the contact above, she is one to keep, she learns and tries to adapt positively.

  • Holly

    Reply Reply September 13, 2013

    Firstly I would like to say, aww :-), that was nice of David helping you in your time of need.

    Reading David’s actions brought my thoughts to my ex/farther of my child. No matter what I know that he’s got my back and he’s been their for me and always will be no matter what. Although he doesn’t no fully, I am truly grateful for his help in the past and so lucky to have him as the farther of my child as he’ll give my little Ruby Jade all the love and help that she’ll ever need.

    In fact my daughter will grow up to be confident and full of self worth as her family give her all the love in the world. She so worth it!

    As for this post I would say this applies to myself a great deal so I’ll share with you what it’s like from a passive aggresive point of veiw on life.

    Firstly I’m/have been passive most of my life and that means that my behavior can often manifest itself in a passive aggressive way unfortunately.

    But I’m not afraid to admit this to myself, because deep down I just want to be happy an a mentally sane person so I guess that can only mean being truthfully honest with myself.

    I would also like to say thankyou Renee for sharing your insight so I can grow as a person and it’s really interesting to hear what it’s like for someone on the recieving end of passive aggression.

    So what does it feel like to be in my shoes?……..

    ………it’s felt awful, lonely, painful, disheartening and down right like not a single soul cared.

    I felt so traumatized and worthless throughout my lifetime that I didn’t believe I deserved to live.

    That’s my experience at worst as a passive person and the only way to express any anger is through passive aggressive behavior.

    Thankfully I’ve recieved help for my unhealthy behavior from a psychologist and now I’m so grateful for his help that’s going to stick with me for a life time :”-).

    So how does life feel now………………………………..

    ……………………………….FRIGIN AMAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZing :-):-):-)

    Yehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :-D, spank me on the ass with a with a wooden spoon and then call me crazy :-p, cuz my golly gosh it feels good to be alive right now :-)

    As for passiveness and passive aggression that’s thing of past 8-D because I owe it to myself to be happy, open and honest!

    Twinkle, twinkle little star, do you know how loved you are?

    And if you don’t know then just remember that theirs always someone who loves and cares for you even if you don’t fully feel it in your heart.

    Forget the haters cuz somebody Luvs ya :-D

  • Neil

    Reply Reply June 20, 2013

    Wow am I glad I got onto this page, Im looking for ways to better understand how a P?A person works. Ive put up with it for 2 years at work and when ever I slightly reteliated I was made to be seen as the aggressor, she made sure everyone heard her words (great actor). She did it all, the silent treatment, discarding me with flick of the hand, interupting, interjecting during presenations, offering up excusses for not doing work (so many excuses) blaming everyone else because they wouldint help her do her work, asking a question then taking offence when an answer is offered, witholding information and I could go on soooooo many other continual sabataging ways. On the surace she is Miss perfect, never a bad word about anyone. I initinated mediation, couseling, management meettings, we came to agreements, put it in writing, nothing. She ran by her rules and that was that. What does one do? I refused to have anything to do with her (much to managemenhts discuss), I will not run programs, work beside her in the same work place and communicate only by E mail unless it is imperitive we are in the same meetting and have to talk, I keep her at the end of a ten foot bardge pole and stay absolutly professional as well as backing evrything up with written evidance, that way I can leave her a copy and she can stew or what ever in her own space not mine. I need to protect myself. You need to protect you. she beelds people until the blood flows then places the entire blame on that person. Other colegues are only just starting to discover what she is like. Management keep trying to get me to work and/or reconcile differances but I have initinated that many times and gotten kicked in the face each time. So I look for better ways to conduct myself and all these personal experiances have certinally helped. Thankyou

  • GEAH

    Reply Reply June 14, 2013

    Late to this thread but came to the end of my tether today with my so called best friend. She is 95% a nice person most of the time, someone I always want to remain friends with and that other 5% is unfortunately at times, sour and toxic. I know we’re all human and we all have our moments but seriously, enough is enough.This article has given me some good tips on how to handle her next move, and whether I need to decidely end our friendship for the better of both of us. Thank you.

  • Denise

    Reply Reply February 25, 2013

    Manipulative hypocrite females, beware.

  • AC

    Reply Reply February 7, 2013

    Thank you for this article. It was very good and shed some light on a very difficult subject – what a person needs (like your housemate – a friend) versus what they want (a person who pays rent on time, etc). Figuring out what a person needs can be so tough. It basically boils down to whether you believe the person is valuable enough to go through all the effort. You were right, it was not worth expending the energy on your housemate; and David seemed to have been an awesome support. Best of luck to you and much love.

  • Nicole

    Reply Reply February 4, 2013

    I deal with a woman who has a crush on my husband and my husband flirts back with her!
    She never say hi to me only to my husband dosnt look at me or never the less talks to me, only my husband. If she dose or has to talk to me she dosnt look and me and dose this wavy thing with her hand. It’s weird to me. Shes older then me and I do think I’m better looking but that’s besides the point. I have always been nice to her…. Honestly it bothering me because my husband seems to be getting his kicks off about this. He dosnt care. Help…. I know it’s not worth getting upset over but I’ve been dealing with this and I’m sick to my stomach about it:(

    • AC

      Reply Reply February 7, 2013

      This is just me, but I would make a joke out of the whole situation. By making a joke out of it, it diminishes it’s power, and her power over him. Laugh about it. Act like she is no threat when she is around, only a little mouse, or something like that. If you step way back and think about certain things in a different light, they can seem like a joke (even if it doesn’t seem that way to you right now) and not worth the worry.

      • SBU

        Reply Reply February 21, 2013

        Depending on the women, if she ( wife ) brushes it of, pretends to make a joke out of it and allows the other woman ( crushee ) to continue flirting with her hustand, it could cause a problem. The woman ( crushee ) may feel like she’s getting over on the the wife. Best thing to do is cut ties with a woman like this. If she is already showing signs that her presence intimidates her…walk away and cut all ties BOTH OF YOU.

  • zizi

    Reply Reply October 15, 2012

    Your friend sounds like a Narcissist. They are usually popular and charming but often are hyper-sensitive to any perceived slight. The Silent Treatment is used to punish you and she is nice to other people in front of you in order to further make you feel like an outcast. Emotionally healthy people do not just stop speaking to their friend without an explanation. If I were you I would start mirriring her and
    ignoring her back.

  • LR

    Reply Reply September 27, 2012

    Passive aggressive women are feminine women and women are typically illogical.

  • Beebee

    Reply Reply August 28, 2012

    The story of your house mate blew my mind. That’s almost exactly what I’m dealing with at the moment. I feel like my situation is slightly more complicated and I’m hoping someone can shed some new light on it.

    Background:
    My boyfriend, Tim, and I recently moved to a new state. While the house buying process is going through, Tims brother and wife offered shelter instead us of paying for a motel. We are staying in the guest bedroom. Tims sister in law is very different from me. I’m outgoing, social and I enjoy conversations where I’m learning or sharing something. She is talkative, BUT NOT SOCIAL. Social people understand what’s socially appropriate. She also seems competitive. I can understand how this would be read as me venting and being a -starts with a b and rhymes with itch. I’m very secure. I don’t say these things to make myself feel better, but she acts like a child. She is 36 but has the reactions of a child. She cannot hold an intellectual conversation. I’m guilty of stealing the attention when myself, Tim and his brother get into passionate conversations.

    Problems:
    1. She is cordial when around others. When we are alone, she is very cold. She hardly talks to me and when she does, I feel like she’s attacking me. It only happens when we’re alone so I don’t have proof when I discuss this with others.

    2. I told her husband how I felt. He agrees she’s passive aggressive and says not to bring it up with her. When he try’s to get the truth out of her she runs to her room and starts crying. He doesn’t know why she doesn’t like me, but he sees it.

    3. I STRONGLY feel she tries to sabotage me. Again, I expect this behavior from a child. She does things like uses my clothes to wipe the floor and sweep dog hair. I’m afraid to approach her about it because she’s not logical. Her husband brought it up and she makes excuses saying it wasn’t her. WHO WAS IT?

    4. I tried to relate to her by sharing “girl talk”. I thought it went well. She asked me questions about Tims exgirlfriend (i.e have you met her, did you like her, etc). Later at dinner she tells Tims “hey did you hear B met your exgirlfriend and (blablabla)” OF COURSE HE KNOWS! I tell him everything. I felt like she was trying to throw me under the bus. Who brings that up during dinner?

    5. Whenever I share something that might make me seem attractive or successful like, “I got promoted to manager”, “that guy was flirting with me and gave me this free product” or “no candy for me, I lost 15 pounds and plan to lose more” , it seems like she tries to “one up” me. She’ll subtly slip something into the next topic about herself and all the guys that flirt with her at work or something like that. It’s kind of irritating? I don’t rain on her parade but it seems like she enjoys raining on mine. I paint my nails, she does the same the next day. I bake cookies that everyone loves, she bakes the next day and gets mad when nobody eats them. I get a compliment on my hair being down, she never puts her hair up.

    6. She threw a huge tantrum when we all went fishing without her. She was at work. So she made her husband take her out on his boat THAT NIGHT at 8pm when he was tired…

    Conclusion:
    It’s been 3 weeks now and 3 more weeks until we get our house. I’m so stressed and I feel constantly attacked. I feel like I’m in prison because it’s her house and I don’t wanna be rude or start something. I love Tim so much and he doesn’t like to see me hurt so we’re going to a motel tomorrow. I’m paying +1000 out of my pocket because I can’t live with her. But it’s not the money I’m worried about.

    I’m worried about breaking relationships between my man and his family. I know he’ll do anything for me, but I don’t want to be the woman that stole him away from his family. I don’t know what to!

    On one side, I DONT WANT TO MAKE AMENDS. I don’t gain anything from being her friend. But on the other hand it’s his FAMILY so I feel responsibility to somehow fix things.

    Please help me :’(

  • Marry

    Reply Reply July 27, 2012

    Well i am passive aggressive person myself and my life is Hell difficult because of this trait.
    Its hard to watch people around me are getting hurt by my attitude..Still i don’t see why i should be the one who should change? Why i have to be assertive? why i have socialize? Why should i forgive the people who made me this sort of person?
    I hate to hurt others, but i find no reason to change? I don’t want to get out of this feeling even when i feel terrible. I know i am doing it wrong but WHY I HAVE TO STOP DOING WHAT I AM DOING?? People around me deserve this!!
    Is there any way to get out of this stubbornness(i don’t want to give up: its like a fight b/w me and others)

    • Nana

      Reply Reply November 12, 2012

      Because you don’t have to stop for others, you have to stop for yourself.
      You’re hurting yourself first before hurting others.
      Your own words are : “Well i am passive aggressive person myself and my life is Hell difficult because of this trait.”
      Things are so much more easier when you simple say what’s going on, instead of wasting your life pretending and letting anger and frustration leading your life. By wearing masks you just miss your real face and your real life.
      But don’t say to you, you have to stop acting like that, better say to you “I need to let all this hate/anger/frustration going away from me because it prevents me from living my own life for real, at its best.” And then, things will come naturally. Don’t mix everything, clean things in your head. Making pay some people for things they did not do but others did, will never resolve anything. And you know it. But it’s so much more easier to live in the past and replicate the same pattern again and again, to be the eternal victim of others, than taking your responsibilities and deciding to give you the tools to search for happiness. It’s a so comfortable situation to be a victim. It’s like you’re not responsible for your life since others ruin it. It’s like others are responsible for the life you live…But well, I’m sorry to tell you, that you and only you lives your life, so you and only you are responsible of it…like it or not.
      If someone really hurts you and you feel like he meant to do it and though you don’t want to tell him directly that he hurted you because you feel like you would submit to him…then, why don’t you just go away?
      You just waste your own time, you’re your own tormentor.

      • Marry

        Reply Reply February 5, 2013

        Well, thanks alot :)
        I am working on it with almost no progress, its depressing :|

        • Nick

          Reply Reply March 7, 2013

          Sometimes stopping
          ‘working on things to try and change’ instead turning to face things and understand your behaviour and who you are works best.This way you can choose to respond to any given situation rather than just react in the automatic way we tend to. How to do this? look at mindfulness, specifically a mindfulness based stress reduction class such as those run at UMASS or many other centers in the US

      • Marsha

        Reply Reply June 9, 2013

        I am also a passive-aggressive person. It’s a difficult life but my closest friends have deep understanding and have stuck it out and just for that, I don’t desire to stop bettering myself. It helps to be aware all the time of my reactions and to have friends who are permitted to tell me after a respectful space of time what is wrong with what I did/said. Realizing that I have acted out in a passive-aggressive manner hurts a hell of a lot, then I give myself some time to calm myself and eventually apologize to persons I have hurt/offended. It’s not that I’m always wrong (though most of the time I realize I was) but it’s the way I deal with things that isn’t right. It’s a continuous struggle. But having opened up my fears and struggles and vulnerability to my partner and a couple of very understanding friends have helped me in ways that make me feel so blessed, much less difficult, and more confident and loving. Mind you, the decision to lay it all out there took tons of courage but it has been repaid a thousand times over.

  • LR

    Reply Reply December 26, 2011

    Another thing for a man to do is beat her in the face. That’s how most violence in relationships begins, when the woman is being passive aggressive. But men like passive aggressive women because it’s feminine.

  • Aneesa

    Reply Reply December 5, 2011

    Thank you for this post!! :) i’m 17 years old and i’m taking my time reading every topic you’ve posted in this blog to better myself. do you have any suggestions for changing passive-aggressive behavior in women? i usually display passive aggressive behavior but by the time i realize how i’m behaving, it’s already too late to change my words and actions :( i want to change

  • JOHN ELLIOTT

    Reply Reply November 24, 2011

    The closest I can compare your experience of such behaviour to, is my own memory of homophobic bullying by a respected female University lecturer. Her bullying included demeaning comments about small male private parts, asking if I would marry, and stating that I was a ‘man who couldn’t make it with a woman.’
    I was simply a 19 year old gay student when all this happened, and I eventually defined the behaviour as that of ‘playing psychological rape games’. I recall that many of the gay women I knew at the time would have relations with males, and may also be the basis for the hostility I suffered.

  • Sarah

    Reply Reply October 1, 2011

    Renee,

    Story of my life. This is indeed a confirmation for me. I’m in my mid-20s now, but when I was younger I used to think that perhaps there was something about me that caused certain women to dislike me. Now that I’m older and have gained some perspective, I understand the problem. It was always the same story: They would find some character flaw to judge me about in order to justify their own jealousy towards me. This happened to me last week! I’ve had women dislike me instantly, from the moment I said hi. Now you know it’s not because of anything I’ve done. Anyway, thanks for the article.

    • Nicole

      Reply Reply February 4, 2013

      Oh ya women…. I’m dealing with a lady that flirts with my husband but hates me! It they ain’t painfull I don’t know… And my husband flirts back because he had to! He kisses her ass left and write up and down because of his job:(

  • Ally

    Reply Reply May 25, 2011

    It sounds like you made a lot of effort to come to an understanding with her. Yet, it ended with you parting ways. However, am I understanding you correctly that it was more important to change your perspective than to try and change the outcome?

    • Renee

      Reply Reply May 26, 2011

      Hey Ally :)
      In terms of what is more important; what I am saying is more important is the meaning you give the situation over what you choose to DO, so yes, your persepctive. And the woman you become as a result of the encounter/problem. So, what you do is not as important as who you become, and taking the high road yourself.

      When it comes to ‘doing’, and the ‘outome’, to use your words, – we all makes a lot of mistakes, and when it comes to an ‘outcome’, we all have a number of options we can choose from, and there is less certainty when deciding what to do than there is in the perspective you place on the event, in your own mind

      I feel we get so focused on what to do we miss the point: it’s our intention that matters. Intention, your perspective on the situation, (and who you become) is more important than what you do, or the outcome.

      I certainly learned a lot from the incident I mentioned – especially about myself and the mistakes I had made. I hope that explains it!

  • Maria

    Reply Reply May 25, 2011

    One more thing I would like to add. Sometimes when we do not like something about someone else, there is a message for us. We may need to change some things about OURSELVES.

    Although I choose not to deal with them and vice versa: I take them as a lesson. And that is all that matters. Learn from your experiences. And seek out positive and better people once you understand what the message is.

  • Maria

    Reply Reply May 25, 2011

    This was right on time. I am dealing with TWO people like this. Well, WAS. They are both very very insecure but it does not feel good to be around them. So as of today as a matter of fact, i just decided not to be around. It is draining and it brings me down only because i actually love my friends.

    First friend: We had our ups and downs, stop talking in Dec.10 and starting talking again in March. She asked me to be her business partner, i jumped on the opportunity because she “told” me it was going to be fully funded and I will need to work and of course market the business. Well-Time went by she wouldnt return phone calls to customers OR ME when I would have customers ready. Then she decided she didnt want to fund the business but borrow the funds and starting asking me for money. She knew upfront I did not have the funds to invest but I had the skill. I still put in work. worked on the business website ect.. When I noticed her communication was flaky, I stopped my efforts on the business. She was serious about the business but MORE serious about going out every night. She would take 2 days to return my calls on business affairs, no im sorry, text message me INSTEAD of calling. And she never committed to weekly meetings and basic paperwork. So, i made up my mind. I spoke with my mentor, advised me to kill the business relationship or else I would sure to be miserable.
    Well, I didnt want to give up and said I will give her another week. Still, she never called and ignored all my phone calls. Then one day I saw her FB page- She started working on the business and found a location WITH THE FIRST PERSON she was going to go into business with (but decided not to because she thought the girl was not serious). So I decided to wait and see if she was going to call me to tell me she no longer wanted me as a partner. (because of my money issue) She never did.
    So I kindly texted her since she didnt answer any calls and wrote a kind mutually agreed text to end our business relationship. She wrote back immediately and agreed. I already had the paperwork ready to withdrawal from an attorney. She was ready.

    I can honestly say I was very disappointed she did not have the courage to tell me she no longer wanted me to be apart of the business ALTHOUGH i had made my mind up that it was not going to work, i still wanted to give it a chance. Not only that, she went behind my back and started working on something with someone else. I wonder how she would of presented this if I would of NEVER said anything, considering my name was on the business.

    I do not regret leaving that partnership at all because there was none. I regret not taking my time in the decision to join. Everything happens for a reason and I am glad I am not dealing with her anymore.

    2nd Person: Is negative. Complains about EVERYBODY. Attacks EVERYBODY or anything that seems good. Very threatened by me. Uses the “cant look in the eye” insecure method. Silent method. And I have done nothing.

    I actually stopped dealing with these two ladies for a couple of years and my life was just fine. I started hanging with them again and it was full of un-necessary drama.

    I do not suggest anyone put up with this. Yes, you do and SHOULD be understanding. But you should not let anyone push you around, bully you and stab you in the back. It is mentally draining and there is just no trust there.
    I see why neither of them have a MAN.

  • zigma pluto

    Reply Reply May 25, 2011

    oh.. yes, I will SURELY try because I do not want MY picture to be posted next to the pictures of pouting women on top of your post because I like to believe I am a very beautiful woman! Its funny sometimes what can work as a motivation!

  • zigma pluto

    Reply Reply May 25, 2011

    Hi Renee
    Hmmm.. makes me think… I know I have been acting passive agressive with people in my life lately, mostly for being judged so harshly, being made to feel inadequate and incompetent…was looking for some sort of courage within myself to open up in an understanding way… not just fighting intensly and openly to these people.Well, I will try now, its just so much hard work, lol.

  • Michelle

    Reply Reply May 24, 2011

    I am currently in this situation with a close friend. She says that nothing is wrong yet she has not made an effort to hang out with me for weeks. Needless to say her actions speak otherwise. Does anyone have any practical steps on how to best deal with her? Things to say/not say or do/not do?

  • Asma

    Reply Reply May 24, 2011

    Hi Renee,

    this post really made me think. I also overcame some passive/aggressive behavior on my own within my own self in the past couple of years and it was so freeing to take accountability and see where I contributed to my own woes. It turned me into a brand new person and in turn I got lots of male attention and even noticed some female jealousy at work not just from colleagues but superiors always trying to get me into some kind of trouble, something I have never encountered before. See during my lifetime, I was always felt more at ease with females rather than males so this was new. However, I also see myself in the position you wrote about with your housemate. Being too busy judging these women rather than connecting with them. But it’s like I was targetted constantly and being made to take the fall for things I didn’t do and eventually lost my job which was feeding my family because of these games so like you with the room I felt justified in making these judgements. So what DO we do? There is a blog of another femininity coach where I feel the energy is very crashing and depressing so I find myself again in a recent example staying away but also judging. Maybe the best conclusion is that we are always a work in progress and the best thing we can keep doing is continuing to grow and see our own contributions in our surroundings. Thank you for this post. I love posts like these that challenge me to always look at myself. The biggest hazzard to our soul, IMO, is complacency (is that a word? :) ).

    • Renee

      Reply Reply May 24, 2011

      Asma! Is this the Asma I think it is? ;) I’m so happy to hear from you!

      My feeling is that no matter what we do, we have to at least leave the situation/encounter with some unnderstanding and compassion. On top of that, what we do is never as important as our intentions, or why we do what we do.

      What you do also depends on who they are, what your relationship with them is, etc. In my case we were talking about a place to live, so what to do here would be different to how I’d deal with a sister or a close friend.

      xoxo

      • Asma

        Reply Reply May 25, 2011

        Hi Renee,

        yep it’s me. :) You are so right. The nature of hte relationship matters and it is freeing to hear you say that our intentions also matter and I can safely say my intentions for the most part have always been good. YAY. Thank you for the advice about taking into consideration the nature of the relationship too, that was absolutely correct. I can safely say that how I relate to my loved ones is ten times better than when I was younger and that is wonderful. :)

  • deanna

    Reply Reply May 24, 2011

    thank you so much for this post! I’ve definitely been in this situation, and I’ve also been on the other side of the fence- I’ve been very passive aggressive most of my life. I’ve often been really really terrified to say what was bothering me or my opinion, for fear of rejection, loosing a relationship, loosing social status or social currency, getting in trouble, getting kicked out of my apartment- I grew up in a household where you “keep your big f***ing mouth shut or else”, and “keep your opinions to yourself”, and learned really early on that voicing my problems/anger/etc honestly would have only bad (possibly violent) consequences for me, and that I had to be manipulative and passive-aggressive to get what I want or deal with my feelings. My passive agressive behaviour has done a lot more damage than good. It hurts people. I’m still learning how to overcome it. It’s really good to see it from the other side.

    • Asma

      Reply Reply May 24, 2011

      deanna, you and me both my lovely. I also grew up where we were taught that sometimes it’s better not to say anything and not rock the boat. This was not always a bad lesson. However sometimes it got hard to tell when and where it’s a good idea to speak up and do it in a way that you don’t come off as a nut job lol. Also that fear of the other person’s reaction…ugh. It’s very traumatic in the moment. Renee’s post about having unshakable confidence actually really helped me to manage that a whole lot better. Another thing I found while growing up…sometimes it seems like being quiet and not speaking up is the best thing to do if you want to be “feminine.” I think maybe that contributes to why so many women are like this because it is misconcieved as being feminine or something? Hope that made sense.

  • Sara

    Reply Reply May 24, 2011

    My last roommate from college was somewhat passive-aggressive: she worked late and would come back to the room around midnight-1 am and turn on her light, turn on her computer, turn on the bathroom light, and make noise while I was trying to sleep and had 9 am class. I tried not to say anything and hoped she would figure it out by seeing me make a dirty look at her. It didn’t and so when she would sleep in from her late nights, I would stupidly get up and slam the medicine cabinet, slam the refrigerator door, make other noises, turn on lights, and so on to give her a taste of her own medicine. It didn’t help and she would not address that she started the cycle of passive-aggression due to her apathy and selfishness. Nonetheless I should’ve known better than to fight fire with fire.

    • deanna

      Reply Reply May 24, 2011

      Hi Sara. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I think that when you say “I tried not to say anything and hoped she would figure it out by seeing me make a dirty look at her.”, this was actually an example of you being passive aggressive.

      It’s so much harder for us to realise when we’re doing it than to see it in someone else, isn’t it? I am actually putting up a comment about that subject! (I’ve been struggling with this for a while)

  • Paulina

    Reply Reply May 24, 2011

    Hi Renee,

    I read your posts and blog a lot but this is the first time I comment. I am afraid that this comment may be a bit off the point but it does touch the core of passive-aggressive behavious and many other themes of your blog.

    This is so timely for me! I had to cope with a passive-aggressive woman very recently and that woman was me. I totally agree with you that passive-aggressive behaviour is fed by insecurity and fear. I traveled to new york to meet a man there, the situation between us was very much unclear and I was ever so confused about the total lack of communication on his side concerning his plans of staying there or returning to Europe, although he was otherwise very much treating me as his “girlfriend” (snuggling, holding hands & kissing publicly and in the presence of his friends). Instead of having the courage of the Feminine Woman to be vulnerable and to openly talk about this to him, I chose to make myself distant. No more holding hands etc. I was polite and friendly but very distant. I truly hope I learned from this that being passive-aggressive doesn’t bring you anywhere! Thank you very much for this post, I have to work a lot to move away from the place of insecurity and fear to be brave enough to be vulnerable, truly the only path to real intimacy.

    Thank you once more, this was a huge break-through for me, thanks to your post!

    • Renee

      Reply Reply May 24, 2011

      You are welcome, Paulina. Thank You for sharing honestly. This means a lot. :)

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