Passive Agressive and Difficult Women – What to do about them

Passive Agressive and Difficult Women – What to do about them

What to Do about Passive Aggressive Women

The woman whom you had such a great connection with yesterday, but all of a sudden, won’t even look you in the eye if your face is half a centimeter away from hers.

The woman who is giving off the impression that something is wrong through her body language, but isn’t telling you what it is, and isn’t even giving you an opportunity to do something about it.

The woman who won’t even talk to you or acknowledge you. (Click here to take the quiz on “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

The woman who has her back to you when you’re talking to her.

The silent treatment.

The rolling of the eyes.

The hostile body language.

The woman who just doesn’t seem to care about you or the friendship you had with her anymore (because dealing with the problem that has arisen is 1,000 times harder than it is to just not care about you anymore).

The bitch face her and her friends pull when you walk in to the room.

The woman who slams doors to get some power.

The woman who gives ambiguous instructions, requests, statements or answers.

The woman who clearly doesn’t understand you, what you do, or why you do it, but couldn’t give a rat’s butt about asking you about it and trying to understand. Judgement is much safer.

The woman who moves things, says things, and organizes things in a way that seems to give off the impression that you or something you are doing is bothering her, but when you ask her about it, you get a curt and reluctant “no! Nothing is wrong!” and then she either walks off or tries her hardest not to talk to you again.

(An extreme example): the woman who threatens to hurt herself or somebody else when you confront her about something.

“What. the. hell.” Seems to be the only possible answer when you’re faced with a situation like this, since you feel so trapped and dishonored as a person.

It’s much easier to make you wrong

One of the most painful things about being in this situation is that usually, women who act this way are making you wrong, and making you out to be a villain, without even considering that they themselves, have been far from perfect in their actions towards you. Even if they do acknowledge they could have been better in their actions – they nonetheless repetitively act from a place that makes you bad and them perfect.

It’s much easier to outsource blame for their own shortcomings and ill intentions.

Often, you know, they could just “not like what you wear” (which is just an surface justification for their own insecurities), perhaps they don’t like that you don’t value the same things that they do in life (ie: maybe, they like bitching a lot of the time and you don’t), perhaps their guy friends go on about how gorgeous you are when you’re not around and it makes them feel bad. Perhaps you just trigger them to feel bad about themselves, for whatever reason.

Usually, these women tend to surround themselves with women who are equally insecure and ill-meaning, and so the influence of their “friends” make it much harder for you to get through or solve a problem with them.

However, to be fair, I have to say that all of us have been passive-aggressive at certain times in our lives. It’s just that some women act from that state continuously and out of habit, out of ease and out of fear.

It’s hard because you probably feel like they have bad intentions (though I could debate the theory of bad intention and whether it truly exists, but that’s for another time). They give off a vibe that makes you feel excluded.

Two words to describe these situations:

Draining; and Frustrating.

Just to be sure, passive-aggressive is defined as: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment and aggression in an unassertive, passive way (as through procrastination, sullenness or intentional inefficiency and stubbornness).

Getting the truth out of people is a difficult task

If you are anything like me, you prefer people to just come up to you, and tell you what is going on, or just for them to tell you what the problem is, or you prefer to actually be in the know, so that you can move forward, reconnect the friendship/relationship, grow and learn something.

Here’s the problem: it’s going to be hard to get this (the truth, or their feelings) out of many women, especially if you are not very close to them. Many women won’t throw their fears to the curb in order to deal with a problem related to another woman whom they “don’t like”, don’t have a lot in common with, or feel threatened by.

It’s much easier to just make you wrong. Prepare for this to happen. This doesn’t mean you should expect it from every woman, it just means that you aren’t going to be able to solve this problem in every woman in the world.

My feeling is that many women are going to be way too scared to confront their fears and actually deal with it, because it’s just ‘too hard’!

And it’s worse when these women get in to a group, because as I’ve established before, we become who we spend our time with.

It’s very easy to do the following things when you’re confronted with a woman (or two) who are being passive aggressive:

1) try to get power and significance by controlling something that’s related to them and getting revenge.

2) yell at them.

3) blame them.

4) Confront them in aggression

5) Make them wrong.

6) be passive-aggressive, too.

7) Blame yourself, and think you are the bad person.

8 ) get all hoity toity.

The Solution

Here are the steps to take…

1) Understanding. Ask yourself what is missing in their life for them to continually act passive-aggressive towards you. Usually, they want to feel important and certain about themselves. And usually, they don’t feel particularly important or certain about their worth. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I”)

And sometimes, they’re just plain scared. Once you have understanding, you can act from a place of compassion, and actually do something about the situation, rather than just letting it rot. Even if it doesn’t work out – you become a better woman through your efforts.

2) Give them what they need, not what they want. They may say they need such-and-such, and it’s easy for you to just take what they say literally and withdraw and then do nothing about it (which could lead to passive-aggressive behavior on your part, too). However, what they really need is to feel important, significant, and to have their identity re-affirmed. Hard to do, I know.

Sometimes they just need to be appreciated for what they do or what they have already contributed, to know that you care,  and to be made to feel safe around you.

3) Do not make them wrong. This will perpetuate their pattern. So, focus more on your feelings and the situation than blaming them.


But here’s the bottom line: What you decide to do is nowhere near as important as the meaning you choose to place on the events and the person you become as a result of the events – you always must take the high-road. There is absolutely no benefit in hiding from problems, or from confrontations, like they are.

So when do you drop out, give up, and stop trying to influence them? This is entirely up to you. How long you decide to put yourself in to being the leader and initiating a better relationship between you and them is your personal choice.

A story of a house mate…

I want to leave you with one (of many) examples in my life, where I had to deal with this.

I once had a female house-mate who I had moved in with. I didn’t know her prior to moving in. We interviewed each other, and she was in a hurry to get a house mate in, and I was also in a hurry to find a suitable place. Before I moved in, it was clear that we were opposites, however, we seemed to manage to get along well – enough to make the decision to be housemates.

At the beginning, we had great conversations, and some talks about very personal things. However, over time, we began to not talk to each other very much, and we were both busy so we also didnt see each other much – despite living in the same house.

Things were fine for the first 3 weeks. And then I attended a birthday gathering of hers. There were, of course, other women at the gathering. I didn’t get the best vibe from some of them. And it seemed, to me, that after that day, my house mate was suddenly more cold to me. Things went downhill from there.

We both did continue, at times, to make an effort to talk to each other, but when I am in my own home, I tend to be quite reserved and quiet. It became more of a business relationship over time, and our differences were clear:

I have extremely anal standards for myself when it comes to health, fitness and cleanliness.

She: wouldn’t always clean up properly after herself, spent most of her spare time watching television and making excuses as to why she couldn’t go for a run or do the cleaning or get off the couch. At night time, she would have long and loud phone conversations, complaining about how terrible the quality of men are, that there are no good men, and just generally having a complaint session about other people and calling them names.

She would often be really depressed and not even look at me to say hi, and then when she was in a great mood, she would then talk to me. When she was depressed I would pick up on her mood and just want to get out of her way.

Her lack of cleaning did bother me, but not too much. After all, when it got too messy it only took me 10-20 minutes to clean up after her.

As time went by, as it became clear that we were very much opposites, the tension got to a point where it was too much (as it always happens). We had a heated misunderstanding when talking about kitchen utensils and cleaning utensils.

I proceeded to tell her that if she had a problem with something I was doing, that she could just tell me, since I would sometimes find my stuff moved, or I would pick up on her trying not to talk to me, and even trying to ignore me at times. I had felt for months that she had concerns but wouldn’t tell me anything. She denied she had anything to tell me.

Yet at the same time, when I was talking to her, she would have her back to me, and wouldn’t say much and definitely didn’t look like she wanted to say much.

And that same day, about half an hour after that misunderstanding, while she was on the phone to a friend, I hear the front door slam loudly, while I’m crying in my room, thinking about what I could have done wrong, and getting very stressed over the tension.

Of course, seeing me this way, David (my man) immediately proceeded to look for a new place for me to stay. I was too upset to even think about finding a place, because I wanted to fix the situation I was already in with my house mate.

Anyway, a few hours later in the day, I received a call from David, telling me that he had happened across an ad on the internet – my room had been listed for rent on the internet that very day, stating that it would be available for a move in two weeks from that date.

I was floored. My house mate had not told me about it, but I thought that perhaps, given some time she would tell me about it. So I waited a few days, to see if she would approach me about it. She didn’t, so I confronted her on the 3rd day.

Before I even said anything, she launched in to a few minute-long justification of why it had been put up. Saying she had not gone behind my back. (??) And that she was ‘just looking’ to ‘see what’s out there’, and that her friend told her to put it up.

The (almost) resolution

After talking it through, we came to the conclusion that she thought I was the perfect house-mate – always paid on time, always cleaned, respected the house, was quiet and observed all the requirements we had talked about when I moved in. However – she wanted somebody more ‘like-minded’. She said, like-minded was that we would do some things together, like have a meal or go for a walk along the beach. Fair enough.

She also proceeded to mention that she needs to be told what to do by people, and it took her a week to work herself up to talking to me about something. From this conversation, we decided that we would be more open to each other and make a point to connect with each other. (read my article about the best revenge to bad girlfriends)

So I thought, OK, great, we have made a little bit of progress. She also promised to take the ad for my room off, of her own accord.

That was a Tuesday. By Monday afternoon the next week, the ad was still up. She again had not approached me about it. On top of that, in the preceding days I had made a point to talk to her and initiate conversation, but her response was disappointing to say the least. She just wasn’t bouncing back at me with any more conversation. She was keeping it very business-like.

When I asked her about why the ad hadn’t been taken down, she told me she had asked her friend to take it down for her because she didn’t know how to.

The point is: if it was important enough to her, she would have found a way to talk to me about our problems. And if she really wanted to take the ad off, she would have.

She was indicating, through her actions, that she didn’t value fixing the problem over being comfortable. And she made it harder for me by continuously denying things. It became obvious that she simply did not want to deal with the problem, rather, she would prefer to get somebody else in to the house than deal with our issue (which she hadn’t even brought up in the first place, before she placed the ad up without notifying me about it).

Here’s what I learned from the experience:

1) In order to help the process of her feeling comfortable around me, like her, I was going to have to accept (rather than reject) my own lazy side, and accept the part of me who likes to feel bad about myself (a massive challenge for me). This was really seeing the situation for the gifts it brought to the table. I believe this experience was put in front of me for a reason.

2) I had, at times, been too busy judging her for her laziness, the way she talked about (and treated) men, and her passive-aggressive behavior to actually form a deeper connection with her, which contributed to the whole problem.

3) That my resistance to connecting with her because of our differences, and because I felt like I didn’t want to be ‘brought down to her level’ by associating with her most likely made her feel like she wasn’t enough, which made the situation worse. Her passive-aggressive behavior was already a result of feeling diminished and scared.

4) Going by ‘rules’ – ie: paying all my rent early, religiously cleaning up after myself, keeping to all the house requirements, and being quiet, really isn’t what she wanted or needed. In fact, that kind of thing really isn’t what people perceive value in, even though it may be important to them that you pay your rent on time. What she wanted, since I was living in, and renting a room in her house, was a friend.

5) Either I expend lots of energy influencing her, and myself, to form a good connection with me so that we can live amicably (which was hardly worth it since she had so many other women in her life feeding her ‘reasons’ for her actions, her judgments of me, and influencing her to make the decisions she was making already – why would she sacrifice the love of a number of existing friends who were meeting her needs over forming a connection with a person she hardly knew?) OR

I was going to have to decide to leave the house and in the meantime, take leadership and form common ground and a connection with her.

6) Confronting her with the intensity that I did about the ad being placed on the internet may have been justified, but it was not necessarily helpful in preserving a relationship.

7) Ultimately, since I was living in her house, I felt I was working with a situation where her power was greater than mine, so whilst I would continue to form the connection, I didn’t really want to LIVE within her proximity.

Given the situation, (we were talking about somebody who had placed my room up for rent without telling me, it was not worth my energy. I have a bigger mission to work on than to chase her for not taking the ad down.

That is just one example from my own life of dealing with passive-aggressive women.

Take your time to read more information about our 17 Attraction Triggers eBook. Click this link to read more information. 

Do you have any experiences to share with us? Please share in the comments section below your ways of dealing with passive aggressive women. Looking forward to hearing from you. :)


Article Name
Passive Agressive and Difficult Women - What to do about them - The Feminine Woman
The woman whom you had such a great connection with yesterday, but all of a sudden, won't even look you in the eye if your face is half a centimeter away from hers.
  • Xiu Wang

    I have another kind of problem with a passive aggressive friend. She does not do the type of behaviours you have listed, she might have once as we’ve known each other for our whole lives, but I can’t remember. What I have noticed though is that I cannot be around her for too long or I will start feeling bad, and often annoyed for no apparent reason. She will often trash talk other women I thought were her friends, if I let her by trying to understand and listening, myself I have no interest in dwelling in other peoples doings. I have suspected for many years she has some issues with envy and can’t control it to the point of trying to manipulate others to feel bad about themselves. Also I notice during conversations she has been envious of things I have had or done in the past because of the way she talks about such things when she manages to have it herself – that is, not as a matter of fact talk, but with a tone of bragging, while me still being naive and thinking she still could be a good friend just sitting there thinking, oh that’s great but how is it related to this conversation? I get the feeling she doesn’t want her friends to succeed more than her, even though that is completely irrational because why would you be friends if you aren’t truly happy for their success? It is like she really wants to push her so called friends buttons to make them envious and even give them straight out bad advice! I can never tell if she is sincere or not. I have had immense fun with her as children which is why I still bother, and make her take different classes with me – even though she would never do it if she didnt think someone would get envious, or so it seems. Mostly I don’t take notice of her tactics to manipulate because I am happy for her success. But when I notice it, I get annoyed and disappointed, not because I am envious which she thinks I am, if she notices my reaction! However it seems to affect my mood and I do question myself why I bother when I don’t even enjoy her company that much. She is so cold and I haven’t experienced that sheered joy you can have with people when agreeing about something or having a giving conversation.. as she is not interested in learning new things but just complaining about other peoples doings. Her other friends all seem strange and have a big ego, even though they really have not much interesting to say. I feel selfish for wanting to dump her and keep giving her excuses, as her behaviour HAVE improved a whole lot as I did try to end it at least once. So she keeps wanting us to be close friends, yet, as it seems, can never be truly happy for me if I am doing well. This probably affects me more than I understand. I feel I really need to find better friends!

  • Снайпер

    The whole female contingent of my family is like this (aside from my badass mom), and I have had to cut them out of my life.
    Passive aggression is a form of socially-sanctioned violence, and it’s also emotional dishonesty at its worst.
    I can’t fathom how this type of cowardly and childish behavior (stemming from petty jealousy and feelings of inadequacy on the part of the passive aggressor) often gets rewarded in the workplace. How on earth do these (mostly women) find themselves in positions of power?
    What’s wrong with cutting out these useless, resource-wasting charades and being direct? And why do women do this so much more than men?
    I would rather take things outside and settle a dispute the old-fashioned way than endure years of passive aggressive violence, which is often more damaging (financially, socially, & mental health-wise) than a simple slap on the face could ever be.

  • Aaron

    I have been in a relationship with a passive aggressive woman, on and off for six years. I left her a few times. Every time I left I thought I was going crazy and I just told her I have to go because my head is would explode.

    I just found out two days ago that she is passive aggressive. I was doing lots of research on communication issues in relationships but none of the tips seemed to work. Then I chanced upon passive aggressive material and was blown away. It was like “holy, moly, mother of god.” Eureka! I finally understand. I finally understand! I am not insane. What a sense of relief. I used to think that I left her so often because I was a bad person and didn’t have enough dedication, but in retrospect, I was driven to the edge. She constantly made me to feel guilty and bad. She said I was controlling, and that her friends got a “controlling vibe” off of me. I used to think terrible things about myself. She didn’t give me the nurturing, love, affection, and intimacy that need and that I am capable of reciprocating.

    Oddly enough, I still love her, and if anything feel empowered with this new information, and am hoping to bring her to a therapist who can help her learn how to cope. I am also reading up on ways for me to cope and communicate with the passive aggressive. I ordered some books and am eager to start to learn. I am hoping to get my relationship to a good place so we can both be happy and together. I feel really bad that it took me so long to figure it out. For her, yes, but mostly for me. It wasn’t my fault that I didn’t know it and there is no excuse for the abuse I suffered.

    I think my partner is what Millon categorizes as the “Circuitous” Passive, Aggressive. Even though she didn’t directly abuse me, the mind trip that she sent me on was terrible. I think if it was a more apparent version of abuse I would have realized that a long time ago. Its just that she has a martyr complex and treats people really nicely and has good social manners, albeit a bit too strong on the sarcasm, but then ignores her responsibilities and is never on time to anything with me aside from early on when we get back together again. She dressed nicer, was more attentive. Made me feel like she wanted me back and was happy to be there. Then I come back to her, and we get close, and then she pushes me away and starts telling me I’m controlling her. Whew… one hell of a trip

    • Sara

      I disagree with addressing passive aggressive girls feelings. They’re not valid. Women need to grow up and start placing the expectations of decency and fairness on themselves that they demand of everyone else. The world would be happier and men would be better to women if they weren’t such bitches. I was nice to a mean girl under me at work and she used it to bully me. So I made her job miserable until she walked out and got fired. That’s the way to deal with them. They need to know that they are the problem and they don’t have the power. Take power away from these assholes and they can’t handle it. Then they shoot themselves in the foot. Good. I am 30 this year and won’t put up with girls crap any longer. Don’t pander to their feelings!!! We are all responsible for our own feelings not other people. We have no place being passive aggressive to anyone. Ps I am female and I have had enough.

      • Judie

        I agree with you Sara. Walking on eggshells around this type of personality ends up making you crazy and it feeds the monster as they find great enjoyment in watching everyone tippy-toe around so as to not upset them. I have a house-mate that is this way – typically depressed, lazy (sits in front of the tv nonstop watch QVC or soap operas), always blames everyone and everything else for her misery but never has the courage to look inside herself for the answers. I’ve know this person for over 20 years, but you just never really know someone until you live with them. I left town for about a week – when I returned I found my canisters, dish soap, etc all moved off the counter. (she believes the kitchen is HERS) At first I just chuckled about it and returned everything to its proper place. I tried to blow off how loony she is, but that leaves me with a sense of having to be covert in my own domain. That’s unacceptable to me as I’m a straight forward, let’s deal with it, kind of woman. She is not, but when I came to her and said “in order for us to remain friends you are going to have to tell me if I ever hurt your feelings or do something that you don’t like”. She said OK, but then this kitchen deal happened so I know she will never, ever be upfront about anything. Instead she runs to a mutual friend and complains to him. I refuse to not be comfortable in my home so I know I will have a strong discussion with her and explain that the kitchen is NOT her space, etc. To me being above board is the only way to live authentically.

        • Brian Welfley

          I am sooo loving this information ( I am NOT crazy! )
          Yes they run to another “friend” and unload on them how bad you are, had a complete stranger threaten my life because she was filling him up with her STORIES

      • Brian Welfley


    • Sara

      Also to Aaron: God love you, but you are being a chump. She will never ever change. Much better to move on from her and date a woman who is kinder of heart and not such a baby. You have no idea of what you’re dealing with. Age books and counsellors won’t help this girl because ones like her LIKE being that way. You should get out while you have the chance. All the best

      • Judie

        Agree again Sara. People either have the courage to look inside themselves and deal with their problems or they don’t. I no longer waste my precious time with people that are narcissistic and/or passive aggressive (they usually are a combo of both). People CAN change, but only if they have the courage to look inside. My question is this: WHY do people like Aaron find the need to be with people like this? What is it inside of him that draws him to such an emotionally unhealthy person?

        • Brian Welfley

          I was Aaron! and Judie the type of people drawn are HERO ROLE PLAYERS . We like to try and FIX people.We will bend over backwards for these abusers and that’s what they love. All I heard at first was HOW GREAT I WAS….then one tiny hiccup and I WAS THE WORST PERSON ON EARTH. This way they CONTROL the relationship,EVERYTHING. They can be awesome people …but ONLY when they want and most of the time they enjoy pointing out what YOU are doing wrong but not JUST THAT like Aaron said they make you BUY IT, you feel like a giant pile of hog cow horse chicken s&it!!!

    • Michael Brown

      Aaron this will not end well for you, RUN! Your situation is exactly mine. Major head trip! Women like this can turn a happy go lucky positive guy into a train wreck! You don’t deserve that. Passive Aggressive women only care about themselves and are all about them and there feelings and could care less about yours. You shouldn’t have to play her game everyday so she is kind to you. If she doesn’t see how she is then she never will for your sake.

      • Paul

        This behavior seems to be a carbon copy of the next. I just came out of a two year relationship with a woman like this. From being completely in love to not even a phone call or even a reply. I put her kid through school for 2 years who I was also in love with. These people are seriously fucked! I have NEVER even heard of such behavior until I experienced it. It nearly destroyed me. In fact I’m still seeing a shrink over this. She could not keep a job always an issue with her boss and his “supposed” mistress who was apparently jealous of her. Always want affirmation and physical sign of commitment. Ie. Engagement ring. She is extremely unreliable and forgetful. Also immature. It’s more like dating an angry 5 year old. Unless u are sure u can handle this Stay away!! It will destroy every sense of your being. Thank god I found this article and others which are blue prints of these fuckers behavior patterns.

  • chris60

    Many people find it difficult to be honest, open and assertive. When sharing a house or office space this can become obvious, especially if someone is vying to be top dog. Men tend to blow up and let you know if they are upset. At least you can then discuss the problem and know what they want changed. Women have often been brought up to prefer to appear “nice” and feel uncomfortable being upfront about whatever bothers them. Aggressive and manipulative women are hard to reason with as they are determined to make you out to be the bad one while remaining in victim or martyr mode. While you want to promote the “feminine woman” perhaps consider how you have stereotyped “femininity”. Being assertive and standing your ground is vital instead of rushing off in tears and getting a man to resolve your problems. Personally, I question women who think they are superior for being able to attract a man. Often such women are competitive, narcissistic, manipulative and exploitative. I prefer women who like women instead of those who presume that men are in short supply and they are blessed to snag a catch and place their relationships with men as a much higher priority than those with women. I attract lots of male attention, and part of my charm is being direct even if it may appear blunt rather than doing the whispering and tears and over analysing that many women use to explain why problems arise in their relationships. Your house mate should have stated that she was seeking a friend, and you should have stated that you found her habits lazy and annoying and this was a bad fit. Learn not to worry so much about keeping ties with other people and accept that you don’t have to like everyone and they don’t have to like you either. Women tend to bully by using emotional abuse and continue the bullying for longer. The fact that you chose to bad mouth about your house mate for her bad habits shows the way that women are reluctant to accept that sometimes neither party is totally to blame for the fact that basic differences may prevent a friendship from developing. Shrug it off and move on. That’s what guys do instead of holding on to grudges and being determined to waste energy proving who was right or wrong.

    • Dan

      Most men wont admit it but they love a women who shows her feminine side. I have several male friends who left their wife for a female who was more feminine. You will always be on the “friend” level because that is what they take you for, a friend. Blunt or not, we aren’t looking for another bro. We need someone who is caring, nurturing and shows a man what its like to have a real woman in his life. You may be a booty call, but in the long run not wife material.

      • Brian Welfley

        Nailed it Dan

  • LR

    Passive aggressive women are feminine in relationships.

    • Swedman

      Hi LR and others here!

      I beg to disagre. My X PA-Wife was feminine on the outside (cloths, makeup etc) but emotionally she was more like a typical undergrown/insecure man. Cold and distant. Very shallow in affection. Glad to have got rid of that one! No more PA:s ever I hope :) /Swed

  • Bernard Mugambi

    Hey Renee, I recently moved in with this lady(friend). We were getting along pretty well until after 2 weeks and she now pains me in the heart. I recently finished my undergraduate and kinda needed a place to stay before I Get a job ,she willingly accepted,we moved in, I do the shopping and do chores arnd the house-voluntarilly, but she’s started getting all passive. Am a dude so please advise on what I should do…Bernard Mugambi-» Africa-»Kenya

  • Nicole

    I have been through it all. People told my parents (and later told me) how beautiful and feminine I was. Bad thing to do…it attracts tremendous jealousy.

    Even my astrology chart pointed out a remarkable prelude to jealousy. “Moon Opposed Pluto” started out describing a difficult relationship with my mother, and then further explained that ‘women in my life are difficult and even sinister and devious…” Great. No one, man or woman, wants to deal with difficult or jealous women.

    It has been a curse in my life, and even what have appeared to be ‘nice’ women in my life have inadvertently cost me jobs, friendships, men, and my very soul.

    Pray for me out there. Moon Opposed to Pluto is one Hell of a spot to be in….

  • HappyHippy

    Hello Renee

    O..M..G..! You have no idea how timely this article is, as it describes my situation up until two days ago.
    The difference was, I was the home owner and I was the one that felt as though I was getting pushed out of my own home, not the other way around. I couldn’t relax in my own home or just be ‘me’ without it causing resentment and upset.

    The situation was thus: there was a woman who was a mutual acquaintance of a good friend and mine, who through various circumstances, had wound up back at home, living with her parents and she desperate to move out. And I, in a moment of weakness, I’d had a glass of wine at the time – that’ll teach me 😉 – I offered her use of my spare bedroom to stay until she got somewhere else to stay.

    The agreement, from the very beginning, was that if things didn’t work out that we would say to each other and agree to part amicably. Also, because I work long hours and have very little time off, I said that I would be very grateful if she could do an hour of housework each week and also bring my cat back in around Tea Time on the days that I wasn’t around to do so all for a reduced level in contributions in rent.
    Before moving in, she also said that she read a lot and didn’t watch television, so taking her at her word, I didn’t install a tv in her room, there was just the main one in the living room. Little did I know what a bugbear that one would later be.


    She had professed that she wanted to find work and a new start and when she first moved in, made great progress. She got voluntary work for a couple days a week in one of the big local charity shops, one of the ones that can lead to paid employment. The she also started volunteering at one of the big countryside estates just outside the town. Again, the opportunity to get paid employment from that were huge as they run Arts and music events and do wildlife walks and learning days for kids and have a massive indoor and outdoor play parks.
    So for the first few weeks, everything rolled along just grand. I was up at 5am or 6am, depending on where I was working and when I came home, had the house to myself for a few hours just to chill out and decompress. And her days off landed on the days I was out working so it meant that she got time and space to just chill too.
    All well and good.

    So, over time, we started to talk and I found out her life and her history. She is essentially a quiet person, and an introvert, like me although even more so. However, there were a few things that set off alarm bells for me and if anything like that should happen again then I’ll know to listen up. She had been abused by one of her brothers and also had very strained relations with both her mother and her sister. She also had moved around all over the country, usually renting a room in other peoples homes and stayed on average 12 – 18 months before moving on. Alternatively, everytime she rented a flat on her own, she would wind up having problems with her landlords and would have to leave in a hurry. She had also been physically attacked by one of her clients in whilst working with young adults with special needs, which led to her leaving her job.

    When I told my close friend that she was staying, she balked and asked what I had let myself in for. Little did I know.

    The Real Her appeared shortly after she had a ‘healing’ session just before I went away for a week, where I was leading a team of people in an outdoor work project.
    To the uninitiated, healing sessions work on your emotional and spiritual self to cleanse all the muck out of yourself so that you can move on. Reiki is the most common type around and it’s a bit like an enema for the soul. It can bring up a lot of stuff and the only way to deal with it, is to deal with the sh!t that it brings up.
    However, it brought out this really aggressive and disagreeable side to her that really threw me. So I decided to stay out of her way.
    Back I come from the week away to discover that she had chucked her job at the charity shop saying that it was ‘too much’ and also that she hadn’t been to the country estate to help out, despite them needing all hands on deck to get the place open to the public in time for the Easter holidays.
    My first thought was: What on earth has she been doing all week…?

    And this was the start of it…

    She started to take to her room for days on end, only going out for shopping or to go for a swim or a run. At night, she started retreating to her room whenever I was in the living room, bleeding resentment my way as I was simply watching documentaries (I love learning new stuff) and knitting baby jumpers and hats for charity – all things that she knew that I did and had seen me do since moving in.
    Then it got nasty…
    I found her in my room.
    I walked in the house to find her sitting on my bed, stroking the cat. Granted, I could have freaked, however I didn’t and simply asked her to come out of my room please. I then said to her calmly that my room was my room and that her room was her room and that so long as she lived here, I would only go into her room if I was invited to do so and that she should respect my right to ask the same.
    During this, her eyes started to fill with tears and she started to shake and continued to do so. Granted she did thank me for not shouting at her and that getting teary was ‘her problem’ not mine. However I still didn’t feel too great about having someone being on the verge of tears when I was speaking to them.

    All well and good, she didn’t go into my room again, however there were a few more things that happened where I needed to have a word with her just to straighten things out, and again, the same reaction, eyes filling with tears and shaking like a was going to kick her or shout at her.
    Now, anyone who knows me, knows that if I have a request to make, I state what I am happy with, then what I am not happy with, then ask for what I do want, then state how I would like it done and by when. I was brought up in a very calm household and if any problems arose, yes, we would have arguments, however they were always cleared up quickly using this approach.

    Then it deteriorated further.

    It became clear that she was starting to treat me the same way that she treated her mother and her sister.
    And her actions become more subtly aggressive..
    Before, we could have conversations about things, however more and more, whatever I said angered her: I remember one night after watching a really fun film together having this blazing row and I was fuming with anger. And I said to myself “Hang on a minute, this reaction is my responsibility. Next time, stand back and observe what is happening”. Which was good self advice as to this day, I cannot remember what it was the argument was about or how it started.
    Then I noticed something: we could be having an innocent conversation about something, then there would be a physical reaction to what I was saying – her body would tense, her shoulders would come up, her eyes would bulge and her jaw would tense and she would cease to listen.
    Now, it wasn’t as if I wasn’t listening to her point of view, or that I was trying to force my point of view on her, it was simply a difference of opinions, however her reaction was that I was a threat to her. When I recognised that I thought “Uh-oh.. Time to stand back”.
    So I did.
    And the conversation declined into passing pleasantries, and no more.

    Then as time went on, she stopped letting the cat in as she found it ‘too much responsibility’, so I respected her decision. However she was very critical of the bond that I have with my cat – I’ve had him since he was a kitten and we instinctively understand each other. And she loathed how we would cuddle up together and how I spoke to him. Okay, I know I can get overly cutesy however that’s just me and I love animals and they love me, but is was as if it stuck in her throat.

    Then she started watching television… Now, when I was out, that didn’t matter, however I was in bed by 9.30 – 10pm at the latest so around 8pm was my chill out time. So she started to watch a programme which I do not like because in my opinion is badly written and badly acted. Now, if it were on once or twice a week, I wouldn’t have minded, but on satellite channel it’s on every single night of the week.
    Then I discovered that she wasn’t really watching it at all, it was on in the background whilst she played on her phone! Now, given that I’d been out working all day and she hadn’t, there was no need for her to do this.
    It all came to a head when I returned from another week away from a really remote part of the country and when I returned after 14 hours travel, I find her in the living room, television angled so that only she could watch it and watching something that I really didn’t want to see, that I finally blew my top.
    Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t proud of losing my temper and the next day, I did apologise the next day. To which she said that “This isn’t working. You can’t share and I’m looking for another place.” So I said, that she was welcome to stay until she found another place and on that basis, I agreed to have the rent paid to me on a weekly, instead of a 4 week basis.
    Stupid me. Little did I know that she would use that as a way to hold court over my by varying the days she paid so that I didn’t know when I would get paid.

    Now by, this time, I had changed jobs and the work that I thought was coming my way, didn’t so I was forced to rely financially on her rent. All at a time when I was ready to get her to leave. So until I got my current work put in place, it meant enduring another 6 months of having her in my house.
    This meant listening to doors being slammed, light switches being snapped on and off all in anger, and worse still… She. Never. Went. Out.
    I could go out early and she would be in bed, I could come back late and she would still be holed up in her room.
    The other way I knew that she was angry was when my things would get broken – she would point out that they were broken and apologise but never once did she offer to pay.

    It got to the point where, like you Renee, I thought “This isn’t worth the effort” and I started avoiding her. I stopped sitting in my living room altogether, and when the satellite signal went on the blink I disconnected the television to dissuade her from sitting in the living room too. Unfortunately, you have to go through this room to get to the kitchen in my house so it was the only way that I could avoid her completely.

    Throughout all this, I realised that I was becoming a person that I didn’t like. I had to face up to my own tendency for passive aggressiveness and also how I need to ‘grow a set’.
    I realised that she was used to living in a state of conflict and had even engineered it that it would be this way. So, as soon as I got a new job with more money, I spoke to her by catching her off guard and handed her a letter with a 5 and half week notice period.
    You should have seen the reaction: she didn’t know whether to get angry or to start shaking and getting teary and that’s when I had confirmation that she knew exactly what she was doing all along.

    She is now gone two days – Hurray!! – however, when I spoke to her just over a week ago to find out when her new moving in date was, she said, “Oh, I haven’t found a place yet”. Realising her game, I simply stated assertively when her final date and time to remove her stuff was.
    So when I came home to find all her stuff in the main corridor and her room empty. However she kept me waiting to the very last by not answering what time she was coming to collect her things (it’s a shared corridor and her stuff was also blocking my neighbours access) and only handed me that previous week’s rent as she was leaving.

    Now, I know that when she retells her side of the story, that I shall be The Baddie in all of this. However, I thought, if she wants to keep telling her story of how she is The Victim, then so be it, that is her choice.

    Don’t get my wrong, although I would never want to go through this again, this whole experience has been a fantastic learning curve and I’ve realised now that at a higher level that this situation occurred because I was simply not on the same wavelength as her.
    It served as a mirror to my own actions, to see where I had been passive aggressive, to see where I had acted ‘The Victim’, so see where I had trapped myself into cycles of telling myself the same old story and to keep myself open to learning new ways of doing things and also to keep vigilant about slipping into old habits and patterns.
    The other thing that I haven’t mentioned is, the woman that I shared with also considers herself to be a spiritual person, and indeed I met her at a Retreat. However, it’s also opened my eyes to misdirected use of spiritual practices and spiritual growth.

    However, that’s the challenge of the growing and developing emotionally and spiritually, it sure ain’t easy, LOL! And I daresay that other lessons shall emerge in the coming days and weeks.
    At this time though, I am just delighted to have the house back to myself again – the relief is enormous 😀

    Anyway Renee, thanks again for your fab and timely post and also for giving me the opportunity to get this off my chest and put what I have learned – and I am still learning into context.

    Thank you XxX

    • Dee

      I was married to a man like this for 15 years. You can imagine.

    • Elizabeth

      Wow, your experience sounds like it was really tough! I am sorry that you went through all of that.

      The one big part that I do not understand though is why it bothered you that she stayed in her room so much and did not go out, or why there was a need to question her behavior (if she was working, not working, etc.) if she was paying for her room.

      I had a terrible experience with a horrible woman who I moved in with. It was her home, and before I moved in, I was very clear with her that I pretty much lived like a hermit, stayed in my room a lot for prayer, and was very independent. I just wanted a place where the person would be ok if I was quiet, payed my rent on time, and did my own thing. Even the person who referred me to her told her this. When we met, and she showed me the place, she mentioned that another girl who she had live there before me had lived like a nun, always staying in her room. I told her, “that is how I am,” because I wanted her to know and not have an issue with my very private life. She seemed ok with it, and said she was very independent too.

      After I moved in, she really began to exhibit what seemed like a lot of pent up dislike about this. She almost immediately made a snarky, subtle comment that made me feel self-conscious about my very quiet ways. I even think she was trying to spy on me by “cleaning her gutters” one of the first few days I was there – thereby having an excuse to be able to see into the second floor! (She showed snooping behaviors later on that correlate to this.)

      She began to criticize my actions. I left the house one time without saying goodbye, because she had come home and went straight to the bathroom and I had to leave, and she was offended, even though I had not done anything on purpose to her. (She left the house many times without telling me, and it did not offend me.) She put me down for being “reclusive,” and called me a recluse multiple times. She criticized what I did and what I thought on a number of occasions when I was simply making polite conversation with her. She told me numerous times, “I find it weird that you…” followed by a spiel about whatever she found weird. She had me in tears at one point almost, right in front of her, and never even apologized.

      She even admitted that her former husband found her difficult to live with on one occasion, although she said it was because she always wanted him to do things. But who knows.

      She was passive aggressive in the extreme. On quite a number of times she went in the room I was renting when I was gone, even though the door was closed, and then I would come back to find things missing! Yes, they were her things – she gave me certain pieces of furniture to use while I lived there – but it came across like she was trying to strike at me and make me feel unsettled by forcing me to come home to a room that had items removed from it without warning. When I finally wrote her a polite but firm letter, asking her to please refrain from going in the room when I was not there because I was renting it, and to let me know in advance if she needed anything, she was upset as if I had done something terrible! It was all, “in my house I do not feel like I am stepping over anyone!” Even though she clearly had serious boundary issues to go into a renters room whenever she felt like it, without letting them know first.

      She went in my garbage in my bedroom that I was renting – and I have proof, because I took before and after pictures. One before I left, and one when I came back. The bag was tied in a very clearly different way.

      She slammed doors, played music loud on a few occasions when she had to know I was probably wanting to pray, and even tried to strike back at me one time by lighting a fire in her stove – when she knew that smoke all through the house made me feel sick! When I questioned her, she attacked me as if I was wrong for not telling her that smoke makes me sick before I moved in! (As if I was to know that in the modern world, she relied on a wood burning stove for heat in the winter. Complete deflection of her own responsibility to let someone know.)

      She questioned when I woke up, and make snarky comments about it. (Even though I had been up for some time, but had just been staying in my room.) She jammed my food onto one small shelf in the fridge, but made sure she took up the rest of the space for herself. Even though she never told me I HAD to keep my things on one shelf, she made it clear through her passive aggressive ways when I tried to put a bottle of water on another shelf – and she CRAMMED it onto my ONE shelf, by shoving my food tight together. She even threw out a jar of jelley that was mine without asking, simply because it was close to the bottom and I had not finished it!

      All in all, I felt as though she was very angry with me for being quiet, and not being more of a companion. Despite the fact that this was made clear to her before I moved in, so it should not have come as some big surprise. I was never noisy, but was very quiet, payed my rent on time, cleaned up after myself, tried to honor her requests, helped out with her dog, never snooped in her room, did not bring people home, etc., but I felt like she was just so secretly enraged that I would not give her the friendship she had hoped for in a renter.

      I later learned that it is illegal for a landlord to harass a tenant, or question what they do, and that there is a very good psychological reason for it. Her questioning of my desire to stay to myself was unsettling in the extreme, and made me feel increasingly self-conscious and anxious. The more self-conscious I felt by her criticism, the more I stayed in my room – sometimes even crying over the way she made me feel – until I was striving to avoid her all together. Her passive aggressive behavior just seemed to intensify as a result (although I was not trying to harass her – I was just trying to stay away from someone who would say mean, emotionally abusive things whenever she felt like it), as she seemed to look for the littlest thing she could do to harass me – like leaving a children’s book open to a page about a reclusive lady who stayed in her house because was “afraid.” Seemed like a complete subtle attack.

      I guess it was just very perplexing, and very sad, that she could not relax and let me be, because I was certainly letting her be and not trying to harass her. It was very sad to be able to live and let live – but not be given the same in return. Even my friends have said that she had the perfect tenant (not that I am perfect, but you know, I am easy to live with, and have been told that before) – but just could not appreciate it. If she had given me time, I could have really warmed up to her, but instead she was not getting what she wanted, and reacted by trying to find ways to criticize me and put me down.

      Anyways, I too have learned a lot, like you. I learned that while she might not have liked my lifestyle, she had a choice. She could choose to respond to me with kindness or unkindness. I always tried to be kind to her when I spoke to her. She chose unkindness, with her verbal criticisms and subtle attacks. My self-esteem suffered for quite a while because of it, and even the priest at our parish agreed that she had bullied me (and was really confused at how she could do that, when she had been told before I even moved in that I was just very quiet) but I am learning that just because someone is different, it does not make them bad, or someone that should be knocked around and criticized. (It also came out that she was passive-aggressively harming the children that she teaches, but that is another story. She had a lot of pent up anger at life. Sadly, because I was “different,” and shy, she just decided to take it out on me.)

  • Kat

    I am in the SAME crazy situation right now, this article couldn`t have come more in time.

    I live with TWO wonderful creatures like this. I try and make efforts to change my life in good, socialise, work hard, and also have fun!

    We are house-mates, roomates, etc. I HAVEN`T BEEN IMPOLITE. I TRIED to make things better, by confronting them and have a “normal” conversation, but they accentuated more how rude and b***s they are.

    And so I did the same, I ignored them completely. They slam doors, windows, when I come home is like being in World War 4. They`re insane !

    I am feminine. I am trying all the time to improve my life, I behaved great with them, I clean the house, MORE than them, etc. She and the other bimbo are lazy asses, and it is EASIER OF COURSE TO blame and judge ME, than work their lazy ASSES off !

    THEY KNOW they have a problem, I even confronted them, but they are out of this world! I never thought envious women can be that crazy! I want to move away as fastly as possible!

    I`ve done nothing to these women, they`re so STUPID! instead of looking in their own backyards (cause they probably have enough reasons and frustrations that they only have THEMSELVES to blame ) they blame me !

    I dont give a f, but its gotten to a point where its plain ridiculous lol ! They formed this “alliance” of frustrated bimbos against amuzez me.

    Never thought haters can be this crazy lol, they can keep their “club”, I dont give a f ! Ill move in a coupple of days.

    p.s. Beautiful site and articles ! Love

    • Momof3g

      Wow!!! I could relate to just about every bit of this article.
      No, I am not perfect, but I’m certainly not passive agressive 99% of my time. In dealing with this for about 20 years now. In a family member.
      At first, I didn’t notice. I defended her.
      Next, I thought it was me. I was ” bad”. Doing something wrong.
      Then, I questioned myself. Is this true!? Am I thinking too much??
      I wasted so much time, energy, emotion on this!!!
      Then, I realized. Ahhh ha. She does this to everyone. Yes, mostly me. Why!? Because I’m the one that married her son. I’m not her child. I can’t ” talk back”! Lol
      I’m the outsider. I’ll be the ” bad guy”!
      Now, it’s trickled down ti m children. Nice!!! Huh?
      Uses my children to prod me. I reply calm and I get ” uh… Just leave me alone!!” :) always the victim.
      So much I can say. I really and genuinely feel badly for her. To live that way your entire life!! I care for her. She has a warm, kind and caring heart. Just so insecure! I’m talk. Blonde. Thin.
      I’m friendly. Kind. Somewhat smart. I wrk hard.
      I don’t complain much. Shoot, if I did… I’d just get ignored or a story how bad she had it. Lol
      I get humming.. Louder n louder. When trying ti talk. I get blank stares.
      Twisted words. Obing if my things when we visit. Loud sighs. Slamming drawers and cabinets.
      Never a thank you. Never a giid morning or goodnight!
      I can go on n on.
      I only get warn down. It’s difficult.
      I remember I’m in HER space and she is threatened and insecure, but no matter how I try…no relief.
      It seems to go in blocks of days.
      It’s hard on my children most.
      They just want a grandma to live them. Show them anyway. :(
      It’s few n far between.
      Being 10, 6, and 2…( well she’s good to the toddler, but uses her loud words to her ti get to me and her sisters), it’s hard to explain when they ask or events toward them transpire.
      Thank you for this!!! It helps to realize we r not alone, seeing things, and gives more understanding.

      • Brian Welfley

        Momof3g you quoted my old problem “Just leave me alone”
        hated to leave but you can’t fix what won’t realize their broken,Not saying I am perfect at all but all she wanted to do is rub my nose in EVERY fault I had

    • chris60

      You do not sound like a lady. Feminine like a hissing cat!!

  • Amanda

    Hi Renee
    I’m knew to your site but your comments and feedback on passive aggressive have been enlightening. As a recent diagnosed pa person by my husband I want to change to make things better. I am finding it hard though my past has always led me not to shown emotions so I don’t get hurt. Put up barriers to protect myself but it LEDs now into a sour relationship that has now come to head. My husband was recently diagnosed with onset diabetes and so to combat this deceived to get fit and healthy and I have to say he has successfully done this. However though he did get through out next door neighbour who is a long term marathon fanatic. However, the training sessions turned into drinking buddies and now they spent all their time together on top of this she acts like a single female and is really obsessed with him. It came to head when my temper rose and I started throwing things then I realised that I had not done this since childhood and the the uncertainty and jealous this has arisen. Now my husband brands me in a box of pay refuses to tell me what he is doing and still hangs out with next door. I have explained to him I don’t like the situation but it doesn’t seem to make any difference. Now when I ask him where he is going he just says I’m being accusing . I’m a little confused as to how to handle this now.?
    I want my life back but I also don’t wan to be passive aggressive

  • http://N/A Marv

    Everyday that I show u to work, I notice how certain females act around me. Throughout my life, I have been labeled as a Casanova of sorts by overly sexed and competitive females because I am a attractive-introvert. Whenever I show up to do my job (school bus company) I get some mumbled hellos and good mornings from the women at my workplace. My reactions sometimes to kindness aren’t what you can call socially acceptable. I freeze and respond blankly and give off a “you can actually see me” kind of gaze back at them.

    Throughout my life, women have over-looked me until I got you know, hott. And these same women who wouldn’t give me the time of day are now being passive-aggressive towards me. The preemptively rejected me due to my living circumstances and lack of popularity earlier in life. In fact, I am still not very popular in the present day. Being rejected firs by someone, tends to make it easier for you not to like them. Aside from my horrible experiences early on in life, as I’ve aged (in my middle twenties now) women (young and older) are all giddy around me and what I call extremely weird acting. One minute they initiate things with me, then two hours or the next comes around and it’s like they don’t even notice I exist. At first I got very angry, but now I have a simple but effective gameplan.

    Whenever women act passive-aggressive, I’ve found, is when they either have strong feelings (i.e., sexual urges) and want something from you (i.e., money). So, my modus operandi is to not engage them in their games of no-win power struggle. The reason passive aggressive behavior is so all consuming and draining is because we try to neutralize it all at once. Remember, these people have had their whole lives to practice evading and dodging blame where nothing can be traced back to them. Usually, girls will imitate scarring on my face due to eczema and heavy usage of my facial trimmer as a way to get me to feel less confident in myself. Suddenly after they do their passive put down(s), they begin making weird noises and distracting movements to gain my interest and attention. This takes me back to the rejection part where it is easier to not like someone because he or she has rejected you first. So, in my mind I want to see what all the commotion is about. Come to find out, she denies noticing anything noisy or weird going on, which angers me. Once I return to my seat, the unnerving behaviors start up again. As you can see, dealing with passive-aggressive people is an endless game of tug-of-war and they do not rest until you tap-out so to speak first and give them their way from their subtle asking of it. It’s kind of like a guy running from room-to-room to back with an item she doesn’t want (but is incapable of verbally stating) just to do it all over again ad nauseum. another tactic I use is to simply cut them out of my life, period. This can be a little hard to do with family members who act in this manner for approval, validation, control, and most of all negative attention. An occasional compliment or shared activity with this kind of relative usually eases their unreasonable and annoyingly disruptive behavior for several hours, days, or months even. Consistently insisting on what makes your time being in their company is the key to breaking them free of their tried and true patterns of negativity and low self-worth. Firmly asking for what you expect of them and confronting passive aggressive behavior assertively, will weaken the hidden anger.

    • Momof3g

      Uh, your husband should NOT be doing the things you state he is. He is married. Having a female “buddy” … Esp after the marriage , is wrong. Period.
      I think you need to be plain agressive and tell him it’s wrong!
      Ask him if he’d appreciate you doing the same but with a man.
      Get YOU into tip top physical shape. It’ll help you get mentally stronger !!!! You can do it. Watch him either pay more attention to you and your marriage or stay with her. If he chooses her, be happy and move on ti find your own happiness!!

    • Momof3g

      I replied to ” Marv”

  • Bryan

    The solution is to run, screaming, as far and as fast as you can, in random directions so you cannot be followed, and do whatever is necessary to avoid all further contact with such a person. Passive-aggressive is a way to abuse for a lifetime and get away with it. Then they can turn around and accuse you of being “abusive” or being passive-aggressive. No matter what you do, do not try to resolve anything. These types of “people” cannot be lived with. They are perfection–they are higher than God and are not subject to correction or question. Likewise, do not ever, under any circumstances, let on that you have been hurt by their antics. They will then turn that against you, too.

    • Brian Welfley

      Bam you just knocked it out of the park Bryan

  • Bart

    Renee, I guess kudos for trying to resolve it; but as you ultimately concluded, it wasn’t worth the effort. When she put up the ad, just find another place. As you note, it was her house. That was a no win situation.

    I have a friend who never burns bridges and so passive aggressive behavior against him is just accepted and he goes on. It seems to work out for him in a sense as he generally seems to enjoy good relations and people tend to return to him for friendship and input. I don’t recommend that, though, as it means he remains in a state of status quo while they progress. Why? Because they used him and continue to do so. I deal with it directly and reap no such benefit; but I think I progress, sort of like putting the garbage where it belongs and not being bothered by it. But these people don’t cross me, manipulate me, or use me unwillingly, so in that sense it’s a savings.

    The point is that if they value you in the first place these things resolve without all the effort you had to expend and still be unsuccessful. Figure out the difference and leave behind, amicably, the ones that won’t change or deal with it. For example, your roommate was one to leave, she won’t change, and you did, you just took too long. (She’s a negative rear end for one thing which explains the calls you overheard.) Paulina, though, in the contact above, she is one to keep, she learns and tries to adapt positively.

  • Holly

    Firstly I would like to say, aww :-), that was nice of David helping you in your time of need.

    Reading David’s actions brought my thoughts to my ex/farther of my child. No matter what I know that he’s got my back and he’s been their for me and always will be no matter what. Although he doesn’t no fully, I am truly grateful for his help in the past and so lucky to have him as the farther of my child as he’ll give my little Ruby Jade all the love and help that she’ll ever need.

    In fact my daughter will grow up to be confident and full of self worth as her family give her all the love in the world. She so worth it!

    As for this post I would say this applies to myself a great deal so I’ll share with you what it’s like from a passive aggresive point of veiw on life.

    Firstly I’m/have been passive most of my life and that means that my behavior can often manifest itself in a passive aggressive way unfortunately.

    But I’m not afraid to admit this to myself, because deep down I just want to be happy an a mentally sane person so I guess that can only mean being truthfully honest with myself.

    I would also like to say thankyou Renee for sharing your insight so I can grow as a person and it’s really interesting to hear what it’s like for someone on the recieving end of passive aggression.

    So what does it feel like to be in my shoes?……..

    ………it’s felt awful, lonely, painful, disheartening and down right like not a single soul cared.

    I felt so traumatized and worthless throughout my lifetime that I didn’t believe I deserved to live.

    That’s my experience at worst as a passive person and the only way to express any anger is through passive aggressive behavior.

    Thankfully I’ve recieved help for my unhealthy behavior from a psychologist and now I’m so grateful for his help that’s going to stick with me for a life time :”-).

    So how does life feel now………………………………..

    ……………………………….FRIGIN AMAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZing :-):-):-)

    Yehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :-D, spank me on the ass with a with a wooden spoon and then call me crazy :-p, cuz my golly gosh it feels good to be alive right now :-)

    As for passiveness and passive aggression that’s thing of past 8-D because I owe it to myself to be happy, open and honest!

    Twinkle, twinkle little star, do you know how loved you are?

    And if you don’t know then just remember that theirs always someone who loves and cares for you even if you don’t fully feel it in your heart.

    Forget the haters cuz somebody Luvs ya 😀

  • Neil

    Wow am I glad I got onto this page, Im looking for ways to better understand how a P?A person works. Ive put up with it for 2 years at work and when ever I slightly reteliated I was made to be seen as the aggressor, she made sure everyone heard her words (great actor). She did it all, the silent treatment, discarding me with flick of the hand, interupting, interjecting during presenations, offering up excusses for not doing work (so many excuses) blaming everyone else because they wouldint help her do her work, asking a question then taking offence when an answer is offered, witholding information and I could go on soooooo many other continual sabataging ways. On the surace she is Miss perfect, never a bad word about anyone. I initinated mediation, couseling, management meettings, we came to agreements, put it in writing, nothing. She ran by her rules and that was that. What does one do? I refused to have anything to do with her (much to managemenhts discuss), I will not run programs, work beside her in the same work place and communicate only by E mail unless it is imperitive we are in the same meetting and have to talk, I keep her at the end of a ten foot bardge pole and stay absolutly professional as well as backing evrything up with written evidance, that way I can leave her a copy and she can stew or what ever in her own space not mine. I need to protect myself. You need to protect you. she beelds people until the blood flows then places the entire blame on that person. Other colegues are only just starting to discover what she is like. Management keep trying to get me to work and/or reconcile differances but I have initinated that many times and gotten kicked in the face each time. So I look for better ways to conduct myself and all these personal experiances have certinally helped. Thankyou

    • Brian Welfley

      thanks Neil( you need to protect you )

  • GEAH

    Late to this thread but came to the end of my tether today with my so called best friend. She is 95% a nice person most of the time, someone I always want to remain friends with and that other 5% is unfortunately at times, sour and toxic. I know we’re all human and we all have our moments but seriously, enough is enough.This article has given me some good tips on how to handle her next move, and whether I need to decidely end our friendship for the better of both of us. Thank you.

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  • Denise

    Manipulative hypocrite females, beware.