Passive Agressive and Difficult Women – What to do about them

Passive Agressive and Difficult Women – What to do about them

What to Do about Passive Aggressive Women

The woman whom you had such a great connection with yesterday, but all of a sudden, won’t even look you in the eye if your face is half a centimeter away from hers.

The woman who is giving off the impression that something is wrong through her body language, but isn’t telling you what it is, and isn’t even giving you an opportunity to do something about it.

The woman who won’t even talk to you or acknowledge you. (Click here to take the quiz on “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

The woman who has her back to you when you’re talking to her.

The silent treatment.

The rolling of the eyes.

The hostile body language.

The woman who just doesn’t seem to care about you or the friendship you had with her anymore (because dealing with the problem that has arisen is 1,000 times harder than it is to just not care about you anymore).

The bitch face her and her friends pull when you walk in to the room.

The woman who slams doors to get some power.

The woman who gives ambiguous instructions, requests, statements or answers.

The woman who clearly doesn’t understand you, what you do, or why you do it, but couldn’t give a rat’s butt about asking you about it and trying to understand. Judgement is much safer.

The woman who moves things, says things, and organizes things in a way that seems to give off the impression that you or something you are doing is bothering her, but when you ask her about it, you get a curt and reluctant “no! Nothing is wrong!” and then she either walks off or tries her hardest not to talk to you again.

(An extreme example): the woman who threatens to hurt herself or somebody else when you confront her about something.

“What. the. hell.” Seems to be the only possible answer when you’re faced with a situation like this, since you feel so trapped and dishonored as a person.

It’s much easier to make you wrong

One of the most painful things about being in this situation is that usually, women who act this way are making you wrong, and making you out to be a villain, without even considering that they themselves, have been far from perfect in their actions towards you. Even if they do acknowledge they could have been better in their actions – they nonetheless repetitively act from a place that makes you bad and them perfect.

It’s much easier to outsource blame for their own shortcomings and ill intentions.

Often, you know, they could just “not like what you wear” (which is just an surface justification for their own insecurities), perhaps they don’t like that you don’t value the same things that they do in life (ie: maybe, they like bitching a lot of the time and you don’t), perhaps their guy friends go on about how gorgeous you are when you’re not around and it makes them feel bad. Perhaps you just trigger them to feel bad about themselves, for whatever reason.

Usually, these women tend to surround themselves with women who are equally insecure and ill-meaning, and so the influence of their “friends” make it much harder for you to get through or solve a problem with them.

However, to be fair, I have to say that all of us have been passive-aggressive at certain times in our lives. It’s just that some women act from that state continuously and out of habit, out of ease and out of fear.

It’s hard because you probably feel like they have bad intentions (though I could debate the theory of bad intention and whether it truly exists, but that’s for another time). They give off a vibe that makes you feel excluded.

Two words to describe these situations:

Draining; and Frustrating.

Just to be sure, passive-aggressive is defined as: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment and aggression in an unassertive, passive way (as through procrastination, sullenness or intentional inefficiency and stubbornness).

Getting the truth out of people is a difficult task

If you are anything like me, you prefer people to just come up to you, and tell you what is going on, or just for them to tell you what the problem is, or you prefer to actually be in the know, so that you can move forward, reconnect the friendship/relationship, grow and learn something.

Here’s the problem: it’s going to be hard to get this (the truth, or their feelings) out of many women, especially if you are not very close to them. Many women won’t throw their fears to the curb in order to deal with a problem related to another woman whom they “don’t like”, don’t have a lot in common with, or feel threatened by.

It’s much easier to just make you wrong. Prepare for this to happen. This doesn’t mean you should expect it from every woman, it just means that you aren’t going to be able to solve this problem in every woman in the world.

My feeling is that many women are going to be way too scared to confront their fears and actually deal with it, because it’s just ‘too hard’!

And it’s worse when these women get in to a group, because as I’ve established before, we become who we spend our time with.

It’s very easy to do the following things when you’re confronted with a woman (or two) who are being passive aggressive:

1) try to get power and significance by controlling something that’s related to them and getting revenge.

2) yell at them.

3) blame them.

4) Confront them in aggression

5) Make them wrong.

6) be passive-aggressive, too.

7) Blame yourself, and think you are the bad person.

8 ) get all hoity toity.

The Solution

Here are the steps to take…

1) Understanding. Ask yourself what is missing in their life for them to continually act passive-aggressive towards you. Usually, they want to feel important and certain about themselves. And usually, they don’t feel particularly important or certain about their worth. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I”)

And sometimes, they’re just plain scared. Once you have understanding, you can act from a place of compassion, and actually do something about the situation, rather than just letting it rot. Even if it doesn’t work out – you become a better woman through your efforts.

2) Give them what they need, not what they want. They may say they need such-and-such, and it’s easy for you to just take what they say literally and withdraw and then do nothing about it (which could lead to passive-aggressive behavior on your part, too). However, what they really need is to feel important, significant, and to have their identity re-affirmed. Hard to do, I know.

Sometimes they just need to be appreciated for what they do or what they have already contributed, to know that you care,  and to be made to feel safe around you.

3) Do not make them wrong. This will perpetuate their pattern. So, focus more on your feelings and the situation than blaming them.

 

But here’s the bottom line: What you decide to do is nowhere near as important as the meaning you choose to place on the events and the person you become as a result of the events – you always must take the high-road. There is absolutely no benefit in hiding from problems, or from confrontations, like they are.

So when do you drop out, give up, and stop trying to influence them? This is entirely up to you. How long you decide to put yourself in to being the leader and initiating a better relationship between you and them is your personal choice.

A story of a house mate…

I want to leave you with one (of many) examples in my life, where I had to deal with this.

I once had a female house-mate who I had moved in with. I didn’t know her prior to moving in. We interviewed each other, and she was in a hurry to get a house mate in, and I was also in a hurry to find a suitable place. Before I moved in, it was clear that we were opposites, however, we seemed to manage to get along well – enough to make the decision to be housemates.

At the beginning, we had great conversations, and some talks about very personal things. However, over time, we began to not talk to each other very much, and we were both busy so we also didnt see each other much – despite living in the same house.

Things were fine for the first 3 weeks. And then I attended a birthday gathering of hers. There were, of course, other women at the gathering. I didn’t get the best vibe from some of them. And it seemed, to me, that after that day, my house mate was suddenly more cold to me. Things went downhill from there.

We both did continue, at times, to make an effort to talk to each other, but when I am in my own home, I tend to be quite reserved and quiet. It became more of a business relationship over time, and our differences were clear:

I have extremely anal standards for myself when it comes to health, fitness and cleanliness.

She: wouldn’t always clean up properly after herself, spent most of her spare time watching television and making excuses as to why she couldn’t go for a run or do the cleaning or get off the couch. At night time, she would have long and loud phone conversations, complaining about how terrible the quality of men are, that there are no good men, and just generally having a complaint session about other people and calling them names.

She would often be really depressed and not even look at me to say hi, and then when she was in a great mood, she would then talk to me. When she was depressed I would pick up on her mood and just want to get out of her way.

Her lack of cleaning did bother me, but not too much. After all, when it got too messy it only took me 10-20 minutes to clean up after her.

As time went by, as it became clear that we were very much opposites, the tension got to a point where it was too much (as it always happens). We had a heated misunderstanding when talking about kitchen utensils and cleaning utensils.

I proceeded to tell her that if she had a problem with something I was doing, that she could just tell me, since I would sometimes find my stuff moved, or I would pick up on her trying not to talk to me, and even trying to ignore me at times. I had felt for months that she had concerns but wouldn’t tell me anything. She denied she had anything to tell me.

Yet at the same time, when I was talking to her, she would have her back to me, and wouldn’t say much and definitely didn’t look like she wanted to say much.

And that same day, about half an hour after that misunderstanding, while she was on the phone to a friend, I hear the front door slam loudly, while I’m crying in my room, thinking about what I could have done wrong, and getting very stressed over the tension.

Of course, seeing me this way, David (my man) immediately proceeded to look for a new place for me to stay. I was too upset to even think about finding a place, because I wanted to fix the situation I was already in with my house mate.

Anyway, a few hours later in the day, I received a call from David, telling me that he had happened across an ad on the internet – my room had been listed for rent on the internet that very day, stating that it would be available for a move in two weeks from that date.

I was floored. My house mate had not told me about it, but I thought that perhaps, given some time she would tell me about it. So I waited a few days, to see if she would approach me about it. She didn’t, so I confronted her on the 3rd day.

Before I even said anything, she launched in to a few minute-long justification of why it had been put up. Saying she had not gone behind my back. (??) And that she was ‘just looking’ to ‘see what’s out there’, and that her friend told her to put it up.

The (almost) resolution

After talking it through, we came to the conclusion that she thought I was the perfect house-mate – always paid on time, always cleaned, respected the house, was quiet and observed all the requirements we had talked about when I moved in. However – she wanted somebody more ‘like-minded’. She said, like-minded was that we would do some things together, like have a meal or go for a walk along the beach. Fair enough.

She also proceeded to mention that she needs to be told what to do by people, and it took her a week to work herself up to talking to me about something. From this conversation, we decided that we would be more open to each other and make a point to connect with each other. (read my article about the best revenge to bad girlfriends)

So I thought, OK, great, we have made a little bit of progress. She also promised to take the ad for my room off, of her own accord.

That was a Tuesday. By Monday afternoon the next week, the ad was still up. She again had not approached me about it. On top of that, in the preceding days I had made a point to talk to her and initiate conversation, but her response was disappointing to say the least. She just wasn’t bouncing back at me with any more conversation. She was keeping it very business-like.

When I asked her about why the ad hadn’t been taken down, she told me she had asked her friend to take it down for her because she didn’t know how to.

The point is: if it was important enough to her, she would have found a way to talk to me about our problems. And if she really wanted to take the ad off, she would have.

She was indicating, through her actions, that she didn’t value fixing the problem over being comfortable. And she made it harder for me by continuously denying things. It became obvious that she simply did not want to deal with the problem, rather, she would prefer to get somebody else in to the house than deal with our issue (which she hadn’t even brought up in the first place, before she placed the ad up without notifying me about it).

Here’s what I learned from the experience:

1) In order to help the process of her feeling comfortable around me, like her, I was going to have to accept (rather than reject) my own lazy side, and accept the part of me who likes to feel bad about myself (a massive challenge for me). This was really seeing the situation for the gifts it brought to the table. I believe this experience was put in front of me for a reason.

2) I had, at times, been too busy judging her for her laziness, the way she talked about (and treated) men, and her passive-aggressive behavior to actually form a deeper connection with her, which contributed to the whole problem.

3) That my resistance to connecting with her because of our differences, and because I felt like I didn’t want to be ‘brought down to her level’ by associating with her most likely made her feel like she wasn’t enough, which made the situation worse. Her passive-aggressive behavior was already a result of feeling diminished and scared.

4) Going by ‘rules’ – ie: paying all my rent early, religiously cleaning up after myself, keeping to all the house requirements, and being quiet, really isn’t what she wanted or needed. In fact, that kind of thing really isn’t what people perceive value in, even though it may be important to them that you pay your rent on time. What she wanted, since I was living in, and renting a room in her house, was a friend.

5) Either I expend lots of energy influencing her, and myself, to form a good connection with me so that we can live amicably (which was hardly worth it since she had so many other women in her life feeding her ‘reasons’ for her actions, her judgments of me, and influencing her to make the decisions she was making already – why would she sacrifice the love of a number of existing friends who were meeting her needs over forming a connection with a person she hardly knew?) OR

I was going to have to decide to leave the house and in the meantime, take leadership and form common ground and a connection with her.

6) Confronting her with the intensity that I did about the ad being placed on the internet may have been justified, but it was not necessarily helpful in preserving a relationship.

7) Ultimately, since I was living in her house, I felt I was working with a situation where her power was greater than mine, so whilst I would continue to form the connection, I didn’t really want to LIVE within her proximity.

Given the situation, (we were talking about somebody who had placed my room up for rent without telling me, it was not worth my energy. I have a bigger mission to work on than to chase her for not taking the ad down.

That is just one example from my own life of dealing with passive-aggressive women.

Take your time to read more information about our 17 Attraction Triggers eBook. Click this link to read more information. 

Do you have any experiences to share with us? Please share in the comments section below your ways of dealing with passive aggressive women. Looking forward to hearing from you. :)

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51 Comments

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  • LR

    Reply Reply October 22, 2014

    Passive aggressive women are feminine in relationships.

  • Bernard Mugambi

    Reply Reply July 12, 2014

    Hey Renee, I recently moved in with this lady(friend). We were getting along pretty well until after 2 weeks and she now pains me in the heart. I recently finished my undergraduate and kinda needed a place to stay before I Get a job ,she willingly accepted,we moved in, I do the shopping and do chores arnd the house-voluntarilly, but she’s started getting all passive. Am a dude so please advise on what I should do…Bernard Mugambi-» Africa-»Kenya

  • Nicole

    Reply Reply June 30, 2014

    I have been through it all. People told my parents (and later told me) how beautiful and feminine I was. Bad thing to do…it attracts tremendous jealousy.

    Even my astrology chart pointed out a remarkable prelude to jealousy. “Moon Opposed Pluto” started out describing a difficult relationship with my mother, and then further explained that ‘women in my life are difficult and even sinister and devious…” Great. No one, man or woman, wants to deal with difficult or jealous women.

    It has been a curse in my life, and even what have appeared to be ‘nice’ women in my life have inadvertently cost me jobs, friendships, men, and my very soul.

    Pray for me out there. Moon Opposed to Pluto is one Hell of a spot to be in….

  • HappyHippy

    Reply Reply May 18, 2014

    Hello Renee

    O..M..G..! You have no idea how timely this article is, as it describes my situation up until two days ago.
    The difference was, I was the home owner and I was the one that felt as though I was getting pushed out of my own home, not the other way around. I couldn’t relax in my own home or just be ‘me’ without it causing resentment and upset.

    The situation was thus: there was a woman who was a mutual acquaintance of a good friend and mine, who through various circumstances, had wound up back at home, living with her parents and she desperate to move out. And I, in a moment of weakness, I’d had a glass of wine at the time – that’ll teach me ;) – I offered her use of my spare bedroom to stay until she got somewhere else to stay.

    The agreement, from the very beginning, was that if things didn’t work out that we would say to each other and agree to part amicably. Also, because I work long hours and have very little time off, I said that I would be very grateful if she could do an hour of housework each week and also bring my cat back in around Tea Time on the days that I wasn’t around to do so all for a reduced level in contributions in rent.
    Before moving in, she also said that she read a lot and didn’t watch television, so taking her at her word, I didn’t install a tv in her room, there was just the main one in the living room. Little did I know what a bugbear that one would later be.

    Anyway

    She had professed that she wanted to find work and a new start and when she first moved in, made great progress. She got voluntary work for a couple days a week in one of the big local charity shops, one of the ones that can lead to paid employment. The she also started volunteering at one of the big countryside estates just outside the town. Again, the opportunity to get paid employment from that were huge as they run Arts and music events and do wildlife walks and learning days for kids and have a massive indoor and outdoor play parks.
    So for the first few weeks, everything rolled along just grand. I was up at 5am or 6am, depending on where I was working and when I came home, had the house to myself for a few hours just to chill out and decompress. And her days off landed on the days I was out working so it meant that she got time and space to just chill too.
    All well and good.

    So, over time, we started to talk and I found out her life and her history. She is essentially a quiet person, and an introvert, like me although even more so. However, there were a few things that set off alarm bells for me and if anything like that should happen again then I’ll know to listen up. She had been abused by one of her brothers and also had very strained relations with both her mother and her sister. She also had moved around all over the country, usually renting a room in other peoples homes and stayed on average 12 – 18 months before moving on. Alternatively, everytime she rented a flat on her own, she would wind up having problems with her landlords and would have to leave in a hurry. She had also been physically attacked by one of her clients in whilst working with young adults with special needs, which led to her leaving her job.

    When I told my close friend that she was staying, she balked and asked what I had let myself in for. Little did I know.

    The Real Her appeared shortly after she had a ‘healing’ session just before I went away for a week, where I was leading a team of people in an outdoor work project.
    To the uninitiated, healing sessions work on your emotional and spiritual self to cleanse all the muck out of yourself so that you can move on. Reiki is the most common type around and it’s a bit like an enema for the soul. It can bring up a lot of stuff and the only way to deal with it, is to deal with the sh!t that it brings up.
    However, it brought out this really aggressive and disagreeable side to her that really threw me. So I decided to stay out of her way.
    Anyway.
    Back I come from the week away to discover that she had chucked her job at the charity shop saying that it was ‘too much’ and also that she hadn’t been to the country estate to help out, despite them needing all hands on deck to get the place open to the public in time for the Easter holidays.
    My first thought was: What on earth has she been doing all week…?

    And this was the start of it…

    She started to take to her room for days on end, only going out for shopping or to go for a swim or a run. At night, she started retreating to her room whenever I was in the living room, bleeding resentment my way as I was simply watching documentaries (I love learning new stuff) and knitting baby jumpers and hats for charity – all things that she knew that I did and had seen me do since moving in.
    Then it got nasty…
    I found her in my room.
    I walked in the house to find her sitting on my bed, stroking the cat. Granted, I could have freaked, however I didn’t and simply asked her to come out of my room please. I then said to her calmly that my room was my room and that her room was her room and that so long as she lived here, I would only go into her room if I was invited to do so and that she should respect my right to ask the same.
    During this, her eyes started to fill with tears and she started to shake and continued to do so. Granted she did thank me for not shouting at her and that getting teary was ‘her problem’ not mine. However I still didn’t feel too great about having someone being on the verge of tears when I was speaking to them.

    All well and good, she didn’t go into my room again, however there were a few more things that happened where I needed to have a word with her just to straighten things out, and again, the same reaction, eyes filling with tears and shaking like a was going to kick her or shout at her.
    Now, anyone who knows me, knows that if I have a request to make, I state what I am happy with, then what I am not happy with, then ask for what I do want, then state how I would like it done and by when. I was brought up in a very calm household and if any problems arose, yes, we would have arguments, however they were always cleared up quickly using this approach.

    Then it deteriorated further.

    It became clear that she was starting to treat me the same way that she treated her mother and her sister.
    And her actions become more subtly aggressive..
    Before, we could have conversations about things, however more and more, whatever I said angered her: I remember one night after watching a really fun film together having this blazing row and I was fuming with anger. And I said to myself “Hang on a minute, this reaction is my responsibility. Next time, stand back and observe what is happening”. Which was good self advice as to this day, I cannot remember what it was the argument was about or how it started.
    Then I noticed something: we could be having an innocent conversation about something, then there would be a physical reaction to what I was saying – her body would tense, her shoulders would come up, her eyes would bulge and her jaw would tense and she would cease to listen.
    Now, it wasn’t as if I wasn’t listening to her point of view, or that I was trying to force my point of view on her, it was simply a difference of opinions, however her reaction was that I was a threat to her. When I recognised that I thought “Uh-oh.. Time to stand back”.
    So I did.
    And the conversation declined into passing pleasantries, and no more.

    Then as time went on, she stopped letting the cat in as she found it ‘too much responsibility’, so I respected her decision. However she was very critical of the bond that I have with my cat – I’ve had him since he was a kitten and we instinctively understand each other. And she loathed how we would cuddle up together and how I spoke to him. Okay, I know I can get overly cutesy however that’s just me and I love animals and they love me, but is was as if it stuck in her throat.

    Then she started watching television… Now, when I was out, that didn’t matter, however I was in bed by 9.30 – 10pm at the latest so around 8pm was my chill out time. So she started to watch a programme which I do not like because in my opinion is badly written and badly acted. Now, if it were on once or twice a week, I wouldn’t have minded, but on satellite channel it’s on every single night of the week.
    Then I discovered that she wasn’t really watching it at all, it was on in the background whilst she played on her phone! Now, given that I’d been out working all day and she hadn’t, there was no need for her to do this.
    It all came to a head when I returned from another week away from a really remote part of the country and when I returned after 14 hours travel, I find her in the living room, television angled so that only she could watch it and watching something that I really didn’t want to see, that I finally blew my top.
    Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t proud of losing my temper and the next day, I did apologise the next day. To which she said that “This isn’t working. You can’t share and I’m looking for another place.” So I said, that she was welcome to stay until she found another place and on that basis, I agreed to have the rent paid to me on a weekly, instead of a 4 week basis.
    Stupid me. Little did I know that she would use that as a way to hold court over my by varying the days she paid so that I didn’t know when I would get paid.

    Now by, this time, I had changed jobs and the work that I thought was coming my way, didn’t so I was forced to rely financially on her rent. All at a time when I was ready to get her to leave. So until I got my current work put in place, it meant enduring another 6 months of having her in my house.
    This meant listening to doors being slammed, light switches being snapped on and off all in anger, and worse still… She. Never. Went. Out.
    I could go out early and she would be in bed, I could come back late and she would still be holed up in her room.
    The other way I knew that she was angry was when my things would get broken – she would point out that they were broken and apologise but never once did she offer to pay.

    It got to the point where, like you Renee, I thought “This isn’t worth the effort” and I started avoiding her. I stopped sitting in my living room altogether, and when the satellite signal went on the blink I disconnected the television to dissuade her from sitting in the living room too. Unfortunately, you have to go through this room to get to the kitchen in my house so it was the only way that I could avoid her completely.

    Throughout all this, I realised that I was becoming a person that I didn’t like. I had to face up to my own tendency for passive aggressiveness and also how I need to ‘grow a set’.
    I realised that she was used to living in a state of conflict and had even engineered it that it would be this way. So, as soon as I got a new job with more money, I spoke to her by catching her off guard and handed her a letter with a 5 and half week notice period.
    You should have seen the reaction: she didn’t know whether to get angry or to start shaking and getting teary and that’s when I had confirmation that she knew exactly what she was doing all along.

    She is now gone two days – Hurray!! – however, when I spoke to her just over a week ago to find out when her new moving in date was, she said, “Oh, I haven’t found a place yet”. Realising her game, I simply stated assertively when her final date and time to remove her stuff was.
    So when I came home to find all her stuff in the main corridor and her room empty. However she kept me waiting to the very last by not answering what time she was coming to collect her things (it’s a shared corridor and her stuff was also blocking my neighbours access) and only handed me that previous week’s rent as she was leaving.

    Now, I know that when she retells her side of the story, that I shall be The Baddie in all of this. However, I thought, if she wants to keep telling her story of how she is The Victim, then so be it, that is her choice.

    Don’t get my wrong, although I would never want to go through this again, this whole experience has been a fantastic learning curve and I’ve realised now that at a higher level that this situation occurred because I was simply not on the same wavelength as her.
    It served as a mirror to my own actions, to see where I had been passive aggressive, to see where I had acted ‘The Victim’, so see where I had trapped myself into cycles of telling myself the same old story and to keep myself open to learning new ways of doing things and also to keep vigilant about slipping into old habits and patterns.
    The other thing that I haven’t mentioned is, the woman that I shared with also considers herself to be a spiritual person, and indeed I met her at a Retreat. However, it’s also opened my eyes to misdirected use of spiritual practices and spiritual growth.

    However, that’s the challenge of the growing and developing emotionally and spiritually, it sure ain’t easy, LOL! And I daresay that other lessons shall emerge in the coming days and weeks.
    At this time though, I am just delighted to have the house back to myself again – the relief is enormous :D

    Anyway Renee, thanks again for your fab and timely post and also for giving me the opportunity to get this off my chest and put what I have learned – and I am still learning into context.

    Thank you XxX

    • Dee

      Reply Reply June 17, 2014

      I was married to a man like this for 15 years. You can imagine.

  • Kat

    Reply Reply January 19, 2014

    I am in the SAME crazy situation right now, this article couldn`t have come more in time.

    I live with TWO wonderful creatures like this. I try and make efforts to change my life in good, socialise, work hard, and also have fun!

    We are house-mates, roomates, etc. I HAVEN`T BEEN IMPOLITE. I TRIED to make things better, by confronting them and have a “normal” conversation, but they accentuated more how rude and b***s they are.

    And so I did the same, I ignored them completely. They slam doors, windows, when I come home is like being in World War 4. They`re insane !

    I am feminine. I am trying all the time to improve my life, I behaved great with them, I clean the house, MORE than them, etc. She and the other bimbo are lazy asses, and it is EASIER OF COURSE TO blame and judge ME, than work their lazy ASSES off !

    THEY KNOW they have a problem, I even confronted them, but they are out of this world! I never thought envious women can be that crazy! I want to move away as fastly as possible!

    I`ve done nothing to these women, they`re so STUPID! instead of looking in their own backyards (cause they probably have enough reasons and frustrations that they only have THEMSELVES to blame ) they blame me !

    I dont give a f, but its gotten to a point where its plain ridiculous lol ! They formed this “alliance” of frustrated bimbos against me..it amuzez me.

    Never thought haters can be this crazy lol, they can keep their “club”, I dont give a f ! Ill move in a coupple of days.

    p.s. Beautiful site and articles ! Love

    • Momof3g

      Reply Reply March 25, 2014

      Wow!!! I could relate to just about every bit of this article.
      No, I am not perfect, but I’m certainly not passive agressive 99% of my time. In dealing with this for about 20 years now. In a family member.
      At first, I didn’t notice. I defended her.
      Next, I thought it was me. I was ” bad”. Doing something wrong.
      Then, I questioned myself. Is this true!? Am I thinking too much??
      I wasted so much time, energy, emotion on this!!!
      Then, I realized. Ahhh ha. She does this to everyone. Yes, mostly me. Why!? Because I’m the one that married her son. I’m not her child. I can’t ” talk back”! Lol
      I’m the outsider. I’ll be the ” bad guy”!
      Now, it’s trickled down ti m children. Nice!!! Huh?
      Uses my children to prod me. I reply calm and I get ” uh… Just leave me alone!!” :) always the victim.
      So much I can say. I really and genuinely feel badly for her. To live that way your entire life!! I care for her. She has a warm, kind and caring heart. Just so insecure! I’m talk. Blonde. Thin.
      I’m friendly. Kind. Somewhat smart. I wrk hard.
      I don’t complain much. Shoot, if I did… I’d just get ignored or a story how bad she had it. Lol
      I get humming.. Louder n louder. When trying ti talk. I get blank stares.
      Twisted words. Obing if my things when we visit. Loud sighs. Slamming drawers and cabinets.
      Never a thank you. Never a giid morning or goodnight!
      I can go on n on.
      I only get warn down. It’s difficult.
      I remember I’m in HER space and she is threatened and insecure, but no matter how I try…no relief.
      It seems to go in blocks of days.
      It’s hard on my children most.
      They just want a grandma to live them. Show them anyway. :(
      It’s few n far between.
      Being 10, 6, and 2…( well she’s good to the toddler, but uses her loud words to her ti get to me and her sisters), it’s hard to explain when they ask or events toward them transpire.
      Thank you for this!!! It helps to realize we r not alone, seeing things, and gives more understanding.

  • Amanda

    Reply Reply January 15, 2014

    Hi Renee
    I’m knew to your site but your comments and feedback on passive aggressive have been enlightening. As a recent diagnosed pa person by my husband I want to change to make things better. I am finding it hard though my past has always led me not to shown emotions so I don’t get hurt. Put up barriers to protect myself but it LEDs now into a sour relationship that has now come to head. My husband was recently diagnosed with onset diabetes and so to combat this deceived to get fit and healthy and I have to say he has successfully done this. However though he did get through out next door neighbour who is a long term marathon fanatic. However, the training sessions turned into drinking buddies and now they spent all their time together on top of this she acts like a single female and is really obsessed with him. It came to head when my temper rose and I started throwing things then I realised that I had not done this since childhood and the the uncertainty and jealous this has arisen. Now my husband brands me in a box of pay refuses to tell me what he is doing and still hangs out with next door. I have explained to him I don’t like the situation but it doesn’t seem to make any difference. Now when I ask him where he is going he just says I’m being accusing . I’m a little confused as to how to handle this now.?
    I want my life back but I also don’t wan to be passive aggressive

  • Marv

    Reply Reply November 6, 2013

    Everyday that I show u to work, I notice how certain females act around me. Throughout my life, I have been labeled as a Casanova of sorts by overly sexed and competitive females because I am a attractive-introvert. Whenever I show up to do my job (school bus company) I get some mumbled hellos and good mornings from the women at my workplace. My reactions sometimes to kindness aren’t what you can call socially acceptable. I freeze and respond blankly and give off a “you can actually see me” kind of gaze back at them.

    Throughout my life, women have over-looked me until I got you know, hott. And these same women who wouldn’t give me the time of day are now being passive-aggressive towards me. The preemptively rejected me due to my living circumstances and lack of popularity earlier in life. In fact, I am still not very popular in the present day. Being rejected firs by someone, tends to make it easier for you not to like them. Aside from my horrible experiences early on in life, as I’ve aged (in my middle twenties now) women (young and older) are all giddy around me and what I call extremely weird acting. One minute they initiate things with me, then two hours or the next comes around and it’s like they don’t even notice I exist. At first I got very angry, but now I have a simple but effective gameplan.

    Whenever women act passive-aggressive, I’ve found, is when they either have strong feelings (i.e., sexual urges) and want something from you (i.e., money). So, my modus operandi is to not engage them in their games of no-win power struggle. The reason passive aggressive behavior is so all consuming and draining is because we try to neutralize it all at once. Remember, these people have had their whole lives to practice evading and dodging blame where nothing can be traced back to them. Usually, girls will imitate scarring on my face due to eczema and heavy usage of my facial trimmer as a way to get me to feel less confident in myself. Suddenly after they do their passive put down(s), they begin making weird noises and distracting movements to gain my interest and attention. This takes me back to the rejection part where it is easier to not like someone because he or she has rejected you first. So, in my mind I want to see what all the commotion is about. Come to find out, she denies noticing anything noisy or weird going on, which angers me. Once I return to my seat, the unnerving behaviors start up again. As you can see, dealing with passive-aggressive people is an endless game of tug-of-war and they do not rest until you tap-out so to speak first and give them their way from their subtle asking of it. It’s kind of like a guy running from room-to-room to back with an item she doesn’t want (but is incapable of verbally stating) just to do it all over again ad nauseum. another tactic I use is to simply cut them out of my life, period. This can be a little hard to do with family members who act in this manner for approval, validation, control, and most of all negative attention. An occasional compliment or shared activity with this kind of relative usually eases their unreasonable and annoyingly disruptive behavior for several hours, days, or months even. Consistently insisting on what makes your time being in their company is the key to breaking them free of their tried and true patterns of negativity and low self-worth. Firmly asking for what you expect of them and confronting passive aggressive behavior assertively, will weaken the hidden anger.

    • Momof3g

      Reply Reply March 25, 2014

      Uh, your husband should NOT be doing the things you state he is. He is married. Having a female “buddy” … Esp after the marriage , is wrong. Period.
      I think you need to be plain agressive and tell him it’s wrong!
      Ask him if he’d appreciate you doing the same but with a man.
      Get YOU into tip top physical shape. It’ll help you get mentally stronger !!!! You can do it. Watch him either pay more attention to you and your marriage or stay with her. If he chooses her, be happy and move on ti find your own happiness!!

    • Momof3g

      Reply Reply March 25, 2014

      I replied to ” Marv”

  • Bryan

    Reply Reply October 14, 2013

    The solution is to run, screaming, as far and as fast as you can, in random directions so you cannot be followed, and do whatever is necessary to avoid all further contact with such a person. Passive-aggressive is a way to abuse for a lifetime and get away with it. Then they can turn around and accuse you of being “abusive” or being passive-aggressive. No matter what you do, do not try to resolve anything. These types of “people” cannot be lived with. They are perfection–they are higher than God and are not subject to correction or question. Likewise, do not ever, under any circumstances, let on that you have been hurt by their antics. They will then turn that against you, too.

  • Bart

    Reply Reply October 11, 2013

    Renee, I guess kudos for trying to resolve it; but as you ultimately concluded, it wasn’t worth the effort. When she put up the ad, just find another place. As you note, it was her house. That was a no win situation.

    I have a friend who never burns bridges and so passive aggressive behavior against him is just accepted and he goes on. It seems to work out for him in a sense as he generally seems to enjoy good relations and people tend to return to him for friendship and input. I don’t recommend that, though, as it means he remains in a state of status quo while they progress. Why? Because they used him and continue to do so. I deal with it directly and reap no such benefit; but I think I progress, sort of like putting the garbage where it belongs and not being bothered by it. But these people don’t cross me, manipulate me, or use me unwillingly, so in that sense it’s a savings.

    The point is that if they value you in the first place these things resolve without all the effort you had to expend and still be unsuccessful. Figure out the difference and leave behind, amicably, the ones that won’t change or deal with it. For example, your roommate was one to leave, she won’t change, and you did, you just took too long. (She’s a negative rear end for one thing which explains the calls you overheard.) Paulina, though, in the contact above, she is one to keep, she learns and tries to adapt positively.

  • Holly

    Reply Reply September 13, 2013

    Firstly I would like to say, aww :-), that was nice of David helping you in your time of need.

    Reading David’s actions brought my thoughts to my ex/farther of my child. No matter what I know that he’s got my back and he’s been their for me and always will be no matter what. Although he doesn’t no fully, I am truly grateful for his help in the past and so lucky to have him as the farther of my child as he’ll give my little Ruby Jade all the love and help that she’ll ever need.

    In fact my daughter will grow up to be confident and full of self worth as her family give her all the love in the world. She so worth it!

    As for this post I would say this applies to myself a great deal so I’ll share with you what it’s like from a passive aggresive point of veiw on life.

    Firstly I’m/have been passive most of my life and that means that my behavior can often manifest itself in a passive aggressive way unfortunately.

    But I’m not afraid to admit this to myself, because deep down I just want to be happy an a mentally sane person so I guess that can only mean being truthfully honest with myself.

    I would also like to say thankyou Renee for sharing your insight so I can grow as a person and it’s really interesting to hear what it’s like for someone on the recieving end of passive aggression.

    So what does it feel like to be in my shoes?……..

    ………it’s felt awful, lonely, painful, disheartening and down right like not a single soul cared.

    I felt so traumatized and worthless throughout my lifetime that I didn’t believe I deserved to live.

    That’s my experience at worst as a passive person and the only way to express any anger is through passive aggressive behavior.

    Thankfully I’ve recieved help for my unhealthy behavior from a psychologist and now I’m so grateful for his help that’s going to stick with me for a life time :”-).

    So how does life feel now………………………………..

    ……………………………….FRIGIN AMAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZing :-):-):-)

    Yehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :-D, spank me on the ass with a with a wooden spoon and then call me crazy :-p, cuz my golly gosh it feels good to be alive right now :-)

    As for passiveness and passive aggression that’s thing of past 8-D because I owe it to myself to be happy, open and honest!

    Twinkle, twinkle little star, do you know how loved you are?

    And if you don’t know then just remember that theirs always someone who loves and cares for you even if you don’t fully feel it in your heart.

    Forget the haters cuz somebody Luvs ya :-D

  • Neil

    Reply Reply June 20, 2013

    Wow am I glad I got onto this page, Im looking for ways to better understand how a P?A person works. Ive put up with it for 2 years at work and when ever I slightly reteliated I was made to be seen as the aggressor, she made sure everyone heard her words (great actor). She did it all, the silent treatment, discarding me with flick of the hand, interupting, interjecting during presenations, offering up excusses for not doing work (so many excuses) blaming everyone else because they wouldint help her do her work, asking a question then taking offence when an answer is offered, witholding information and I could go on soooooo many other continual sabataging ways. On the surace she is Miss perfect, never a bad word about anyone. I initinated mediation, couseling, management meettings, we came to agreements, put it in writing, nothing. She ran by her rules and that was that. What does one do? I refused to have anything to do with her (much to managemenhts discuss), I will not run programs, work beside her in the same work place and communicate only by E mail unless it is imperitive we are in the same meetting and have to talk, I keep her at the end of a ten foot bardge pole and stay absolutly professional as well as backing evrything up with written evidance, that way I can leave her a copy and she can stew or what ever in her own space not mine. I need to protect myself. You need to protect you. she beelds people until the blood flows then places the entire blame on that person. Other colegues are only just starting to discover what she is like. Management keep trying to get me to work and/or reconcile differances but I have initinated that many times and gotten kicked in the face each time. So I look for better ways to conduct myself and all these personal experiances have certinally helped. Thankyou

  • GEAH

    Reply Reply June 14, 2013

    Late to this thread but came to the end of my tether today with my so called best friend. She is 95% a nice person most of the time, someone I always want to remain friends with and that other 5% is unfortunately at times, sour and toxic. I know we’re all human and we all have our moments but seriously, enough is enough.This article has given me some good tips on how to handle her next move, and whether I need to decidely end our friendship for the better of both of us. Thank you.

  • Denise

    Reply Reply February 25, 2013

    Manipulative hypocrite females, beware.

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