Stop Trying So Hard With Men, You’re Doing It Wrong

Article updated 2018

Trying Never Truly Works

No, really. You should never try to do anything. Trying never works. Have you ever heard news that somebody attempted suicide and thought to yourself how awful it is? And you feel terribly sad for the person and their whole family and their friends? But sometime later, you find yourself wondering, ‘Well, why didn’t they just do it? How do you actually try to kill yourself but fail at it?’ (Click here to take the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

I’m not trying to mock people who attempt suicide here. It’s a serious matter, and a close friend of mine was in this situation a few years ago, which really put me in a spin. I’ll never forget it. What I’m saying is, if someone really wanted to commit suicide, they would have done it. Not attempted it.

Chances are they were in an enormous amount of pain – so much that they were willing to go out of their way to hurt themselves and the people around them, to try and feel better or to get someone to care for them. At the same time, they’re human. So they didn’t actually want to die, really. They just wanted to feel loved; but not all of us are fortunate enough to have this experience, for whatever reason.

Sometimes, we may be loved – only – we find ourselves being loved in every way but the way we want to be loved. That’s just it; life isn’t always fair. (read my article about how to make a guy want you)

And, sometimes in relationships – especially in our intimate relationships or in a parent – child relationship, one party may say ‘I give up everything for you!!’ ‘I’ve bent over backwards for you!’ ‘you’re so ungrateful!’ ‘Why don’t you ever notice anything I do for you?!’ ‘You take me for granted!!’

Related post: What to Do If He Takes You for Granted

What does your spouse REALLY want?

Yes, some people actually live only in themselves so much that they won’t give you any credit/loyalty/love/appreciation where it is deserved. However, most people in your life have a level of empathy and compassion, and they do care. Those exclamations above are often a result of someone feeling like they’ve done so much – only to not have it be appreciated. Why does this happen?

The reason for this is that most people THINK they know what someone wants, but don’t actually bother to ask them what they truly want, and what truly would fulfill them. For example, a man may think that just by keeping a roof over the head of his wife and kids, and feeding them, and clothing them and paying the bills, and taking them on holidays, and buying them special treats, and….and…and……and…..and…that the wife would be fulfilled and happy.

But – the wife still wants MORE, and she tells the husband this. His response is predictable: ‘I work so hard to feed you and Johnny and Sarah! How could you say this?!?!’ The husband IS in fact working his behind off to provide for his family, but what his wife needs is LOVE, and she wants to FEEL it. Not to just hear him say ‘I Love You’. He works all hours, and by the time he gets home, they have no time together, and he never makes time for her – only for his work.

By the end of it, the wife would rather be on the street and experience her husband’s love than be “provided for”, “comfortable” and yet – not feel LOVED. (Click here to take the quiz “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

I’m getting a bit off-track here, but what I’m saying is that sometimes, when we think we’re giving EVERYTHING, and our husband/boyfriend/friend/girlfriend leaves us, we may wonder why? The reason is easy. We’ve given them everything but the thing they most wanted or needed.

And, more often than not, it’s easier to give them this than we actually think.You just have to ask them. If they don’t tell you the first time, ask them again. If that fails, ask again. If that fails, take special notice of them and you will find out.

The problem with trying…

This is why you should never try. Trying will never get you anywhere. If you want the ultimate relationship (intimate or not) you have to find out what the other person wants – and get addicted to finding ways to meet their needs. Trying, in the human nervous system denotes that you’re going to go and do something, but there’s something blocking your way.

Do you think Thomas Edison tried to invent the incandescent light bulb? Well – yes….but no. He didn’t try. He committed himself to finding out a way to invent the incandescent light bulb. It took him 10,000 experiments. TEN THOUSAND! That is why we can have artificial light, now. And we take it for granted that they are available in our homes.

If you still think I’m silly, and am wondering what on earth I’m talking about; what is your favorite food or drink that you would never turn down? Chocolate? Cheese? Donuts? Chai Late? Broccoli? Beetroot? Maybe Brussels Sprouts? Next time you cook it, or buy it, I want you to try to eat it. Just Try. But I don’t want you to actually chew it; I want you to try to chew it and swallow it.

If that example doesn’t suit, perhaps you could try to tie your laces. Not actually tie a knot, but try to tie the laces. My guess is that you will sit there with the laces in your hands, not moving. This is what trying does. It gets you in to a static place. For anyone, if they’re trying to do something, whether it be to make their spouse happy – or becoming more feminine, if they’re trying to do it, it’s another term for ‘uh, I kinda want to do this, but I’m not really willing to put myself on the line to achieve this.

What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…

So whatever it is that you want to do in your life, maybe it’s to have a better relationship with your man, or to lose weight, or to put more effort in to your appearance – I encourage you to commit yourself to it. And if you cannot do this, you really need to re-assess and ask yourself whether or not you want it enough. Often, people are not lazy. I don’t believe anyone is really lazy. I believe people just don’t have compelling reasons to do things.

Giving Love

Ask yourself whether you’re actually willing to put your own needs on the line to care more for your man/friend/parents/pets/kids/neighbors/people who are suffering. Maybe you have contradictions. Perhaps you want to treat someone better, but don’t feel they deserve it, and feel that if you did love them without question, that they wouldn’t notice it or appreciate it.

Remember that, if you cast your bread upon the water, it will come back buttered. It may not come in the form you want it to, and the person may never love you back in the way you wish, or give back to you in the way that you wish, but at least you’re learning, growing and giving.

You simply cannot lose. You become stronger and better. I will say that there are some people who will try to hurt you, no matter what you give to them, but I trust that you can tell the difference. After all, women have an intuition, right? 😉 and I bet you’re good at using it!

Of course, I’m not saying that if you commit yourself to something, that it will work out on the first go. I’m simply saying that, combine commitment with heart, intent and consistency, and you will get there. Once you get there, it gets easy 🙂 (read my article about how to make a man commit)

So if you’ve been wanting to do something, and haven’t been getting results, or maybe you’ve been sliding backwards – stop trying. Find out the WHY. Work out why you want this/that thing, and once you have the why, you’ll find the how. If you can’t find a why, then maybe you need to re-asses the situation.

By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only.

I also want to let you know that out new version of Commitment Control is out, click here to register and watch the Commitment Masterclass.

If you have any thoughts, questions, or objections, be sure to tell me in the comments section. Have a lovely day/night!

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Jessica Wade
Jessica Wade

I never looked at it that way. This article makes me think back to Yoda on “The Empire Strikes Back” when he told Luke during his training “Do or do not. There is no try.” Now, I just do what needs to be done or don’t do anything at all.

lady
lady

hi there… I believe whole-heartedly with your article. What do you think of commitment being only on the wife’s part? The fact that we want to be more feminine also shows that we are the ones who are more committed to our marriages. We KNOW that if we don’t buck up and be feminine, we either get dumped, cheated or IGNORED (refer to post on desperate wife). If a man is committed to be a man… for example, do his best to make time for his wife, it would help the wife to be a better wife. She will less… Read more »

Tracy
Tracy

So true. I especially see this being true if you fall for a depressed partner. He had a very negative reaction to the word “try”. I used to often say, “I know it’s not working now, but let TRY”. You raise a good point, had I said, “I’m committed to making this work because I care for you.”….I think he would have felt more at ease. Nobody (especially a depressed individual wants to feel the pressure that comes alone with a partner who is “trying” to make something work. It’s exactly like the favorite food example you raised. If you… Read more »

Renee
Renee
Reply to  Tracy

Yes, Tracy 🙂 and – if you just care enough, ‘trying’ goes out of the equation. It’s all about commitment then. One of my favorite quotes that fits in perfectly with this situation:

‘We will either find a way or make one’ – Hannibal Lecter

😉

Kathy
Kathy
Reply to  Renee

What happens when you give everything and its still not enough? You commit everything and they still dont notice in the way you feel you deserve?

Amara
Amara

loved it

Emily
Emily

Wonderful post!

Renee
Renee

Thanks Jennifer. It’s nice to hear from like-minded people!

And, isn’t the Thomas Edison story amazing? Imagine doing 10,000 experiments! :-O

Melina
Melina

Another interesting and informative article Renee. I also like how you used Thomas Edison’s example of being seriously COMMITTED to something, and how much he was willing to keep ‘trying’ until he got there!

Melina xx

Jennifer
Jennifer

Thanks for this post! I’ve never really thought about things in this light before–it really opened my eyes. I especially liked the part that said, “I don’t believe anyone is really lazy. I believe people just don’t have compelling reasons to do things.” Wow, so insightful 🙂

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