A Desperate Wife – How Can She Save Her Marriage?

Article updated 2018

Topic: Please help me I’m desperate for advice!

Hi lovely. This lady is in a bit of a predicament. I thought that we might be able to help her. Judging from her post, she’s desperate for a good answer to her problem. Can you help her?

Her husband won’t have kids with her, won’t buy her gifts, will only have sex with her once a month and is always at golf. Hmm…Can you give your advice to this lady on how to save her marriage? How could she improve her relationship?

Thanks for your answers in advance! I have highlighted the points that I think are important.

In her words……………….

“Thanks so much for reading!

My husband hardly ever makes any sexual advances towards me and shows me very little affection. I am attractive and haven’t put on any weight or stopped looking after myself. We would be lucky to have sex once every month and it’s usually only when he’s drunk. I make an effort to look nice and act nice and hope he will get in the mood but he says he just can’t be bothered.

He says it’s all the arguments we’ve had over the years that have worn him down and he’s lost those feelings towards me. But he says he doesn’t want to break up??

He is very lazy and won’t do anything around the house without making a scene and calling me a nag for asking him to do something. He works long hours but so do I and he never makes an effort to do things around the house that would make me happy (cleaning up the yard etc).

He makes out that I expect too much but I don’t think I do. I think I only expect what a normal husband would do. I mean I do all the cleaning and I don’t complain.

He goes to golf ALL THE TIME. We hardly spend any time together except at night when he is watching TV.

He says he needs freedom to do his own thing so I really try to let him have his space by not whining when he goes to golf. We used to argue about this but now I understand him better and try to let him live his life and not change him. But then I think about it, and it seems to me that he just wants to be free and live like a single man but be with me too. Have the best of both worlds so to speak.

I really want to have children and he knew this before we got married and told me he wanted children too. Now he keeps making up Reasons not to have kids, all different excuses. I think he just doesn’t want the responsibility. He is 33. I am angry he married me knowing I want children and now won’t give me what I want.

We have been together 4 years. We felt like soul mates when we first met. I was carefree and fun to be around and so was he. We understood each other and were happy spending all our time together. The sex was good!!!

Now it SO DIFFERENT it’s like we are a different couple. I am miserable and he’s not exactly happy either.

I feel like a flatmate to him. I don’t feel special or treasured or admired. I feel like I am taken for granted and that he is selfish and lazy. I feel I deserve better.

I resent him for not desiring me and pleasing me sexually.

Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night lying next to him and can’t believe I am MARRIED to this guy. I love him but I don’t think I’m happy. I think I’m getting depressed.

He is never rude or mean or nasty to me. But he never really makes and effort to make me feel nice either. No flowers, cuddles, surprises. It’s like I’m not a priority in his life.

We have only been married for one year but I can’t see a way to improve things. He says he loves me and I know I love him but is love enough?

Please tell me what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please.”

By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!

Can you help Mrs. Desperate save her marriage? Comment your advice to her below this blog post! 

CLICK to see the First Problem Solving question: She is His Boss?

Also, I’m so excited to let you know that we have launched our Commitment Control 2.0 program. Click here to register and watch the Commitment Masterclass to prepare you for the program.

Here’s a nice quiz to know if your man is indeed commitment friendly- (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

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Sofie
Sofie

Allright, I just noticed this blog is from 4 years ago and so I made a complete fool of myself with my reply. LOL

Still curiosu as to what happened there though.

Sofie
Sofie

Hi Butterfly, sorry to hear about the difficult time you’re having. I am no relationship expert, but I have been in a few relationships and am currently in a relationship with a man for 14 years now, so I do not consider myself completely clueless. I’m just going to tell you the first thing that popped up in my mind and… it’s not pretty, and perhaps it’s not even true in your case, but since you asked for responses… He doesn’t want sex with you anymore and he’s always playing golf you say? The only times I’ve ever found a… Read more »

kira
kira

In this situation I think it’s important to focus more on you. I know it sucks
that your man isn’t giving you the love and attention that you’re craving but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stop giving yourself the attention you need. Quit focusing on him. Quit being nice and trying to get him into you. Instead do your own thing. Go out and have fun. Enjoy your life.

ben
ben

Read Dr. Laura’s. “The proper care and feeding of men” work on herself make herself THE most attractive lady she can be. If your hubby doesn’t come around then he doesn’t deserve to keep you….he loses you and you take on Renee”s advice here and find you a man that will cherish you…i have an idea though its n ot ALL him…any relashionship is 50/50. That is known by you finding fault inhis actions evenif they are unattractive. Always always focus on positive. Your world will be better. Invite your hubby to “married and happy.com.to help himself- make him into… Read more »

rettyioup
rettyioup

He’s gay! Divorce him and find a straight, horny, well-hung guy!

Anna C
Anna C

Hi, Butterfly is it? I wonder how you are doing with this problem now. It’s been such a long time. It looks to me that your husband still loves you (very good news!!) but he has lost attraction for you. I think that you’re perfectly able to get that attraction back. But first, step back and look at the situation from a bird’s eye view. It seems to me that he has been feeling burdened and pressured by your actions, and that has demotivated him to act. And, it’s not your fault, and it’s not his fault, it’s just the… Read more »

Anna C
Anna C
Reply to  Anna C

Another note for you is to let him miss you a bit too. As you leave him to his brooding, go take a class or go out with girlfriends, or to the gym more. Just nothing like clubbing or anything where he won’t have to worry of other men asking you out. If you take a hobby or dance class, you won’t be there all the time, and he’ll miss you, and he’ll start to see you in a more polarized light (HE doesn’t dance). And this is kind of controversial advice, but what I would do is get drunk… Read more »

kim
kim

Hello,I’m kim from Australia i want to thank dr khakani for what he has done for me in my life,After my lover left me for over 5years without no notice i was so frustrated and confused i never knew what to do until i got in contact with my best friend in usa called Nicole, After she told me the great work of dr khakani how people talk good about him on radio stations and internet so she gave me the contact in contacting dr khakani, Then which i did i called dr khakani and told him how my lover… Read more »

JP
JP

Butterfly- Im curious as to how you are in the relationship now? Have you made any changes? In your behavior, appearance, views, etc?

One thing that comes to mind is that maybe he is seeing the relationship as predictable and perhaps lacking mystery.

ButterflyAngel
ButterflyAngel

Hi Ladies, Just an update. Things are still bad. We still hardly ever have sex and there is still no affection. The only time he ever initiates sex or acts affectionately is when he’s DRUNK! And the sex is getting really awful because it’s not romantic or passionate, it’s robotic almost! I feel like a blow-up doll 🙁 We don’t fight and get along fine, but it doesn’t feel like a marriage. It feels like he’s my flatmate! He says he sees me like a ‘best friend’, but doesn’t have passion or attraction to me anymore. So weird as I… Read more »

Allie
Allie

I feel so sad when I read some of the situations that some women put up with. Women are nuturers and have a tendacy to self sacrifice a ness quality in a mother but not a wife. To put up with so much misery is really beyond my comprehension. Feminity is not self sacrifice and service to the man, it is mutual satisfaction of needs. His needs AND THE WOMANS it human nature any relationship is wn exchange of satisfactions. He needs sex women need affection communication and attension. If those needs are not met then both parties are miserable.… Read more »

Allie
Allie

@stefanie I don’t think what you are doing or advising will work in the long run. It’s been 4 years not long but the combination of lack of affection and no time with you will become a big problem in the future. You said you work but he that does not decrease his burden but when you look at it realistically, your salary makes it possible for you two to live at your present level. If you didn’t work he colluded pay the green fees so you are supporting his recreation. Not advocating That you do anything diff just that… Read more »

JP
JP

Any updates on how the relationship is going?

mish
mish

We can only fix ourselves. Elevate our own self-esteem and inner state, learn to validate ourselves, don’t rely on others for validation and affection. A good man wants an emotionally intelligent, positive, (truly) happy, sensual, independent and smart woman. He sees you happy with yourself and embracing life and, rather than sulking and hinting and waiting and asking him to give you attention, you are your own universe of love and warmth, you are enjoying life even without his participation – that’s when he will take notice and yearn to be a part of your enigmatic being. I have no… Read more »

Amara
Amara

I wish you all the best darling!! Lots of love your way!!

Catherine
Catherine

This might sound like a silly question, but i will ask anyway ! Does he have a mental health issue ? I don’t mean is he nuts. I ask this for two reasons, one, I do, and I know it can have a large influence upon ‘handling’ jobs, stress, emotional intimacy. The second reason I ask is because I know someone who literally sounds exactly like the man describe above – ( golf, lack of sexual interest, length of marriage and age)so much so that I was thinking the author might name herself with the same name as my friends… Read more »

PrincessFuschia
PrincessFuschia

Butterfly Angel,

Good to hear you’re hopeful and pragmatic!

Yes – you can only fix your half of the marriage.

When we are ill – most likely we’d go to a doctor for advice and treatment. Likewise, have you thought about reading the bible for the best advice and practical wisdom on how to re-build a lasting, successful and happy marriage? Afterall – God is the originator of the marriage arrangement and wants you and your husband to be happy and uphold your commitment to Him.

Enjoy the new you!

Stephanie
Stephanie

I must say that the “marriage is already over” stuff is wholly incorrect. All marriages go through tough times. It is not “emotional divorce” to have periods of stress and strain…and yes, even distance…in a marriage. I have been married about 16 years now. The first 1-1.5 years were the hardest. I HONESTLY wondered if my husband was actually secretly GAY! Seriously. Sex became nearly non-existent for a while. But that did not last. We just had rough spots to get over. I also wanted kids immediately, he did not yet. I was ready for the whole family thing, he… Read more »

stefanie
stefanie

Hey there Butterfly Angel,
Glad to see you liked the book, read the advice and are feeling more feminine! Hope you are doing okay 🙂

sunset
sunset

if you like fascinating womanhood, i think you will also like ‘the surrendered wife’ by laura doyle. believer it or not, its much more modern and its easier for a former feminist to follow 🙂 but i love both books.

ButterflyAngel
ButterflyAngel

Wow I just have to say I am loving Fascinating Womanhood – a bit old-fashioned but I think my marriage is going to improve using these tips! I am feeling more feminine already!

Love,
Butterfly
xoxo

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