6 Behaviours You Should Never Tolerate In A Man

Article updated 2020

Cheating and abuse are the first things people think of when they consider what they should never tolerate in a relationship.

This article is not going to be about cheating or abuse.

Why? Because firstly, whilst of course abuse should not be tolerated; abuse is actually a wide topic – it goes far beyond just physical abuse.

Sometimes, the behaviours that seem the most innocent on the surface can actually be deeply abusive. For example, acting like your partner is not causing you any hurt or anger (not being responsive) when you consciously know you’re withholding yourself (as well as withholding the truth).

Staying together with a partner you don’t care about and are not loyal to for the sake of enjoying a mutually comfortable lifestyle. Furthermore, getting into a codependent relationship so that you can milk the other person for your own perceived benefits. These are all potentially abusive behaviours and it’s a lot to discuss and go through.

So, I reserve the topic of abuse and conversation for another time, where I can thoroughly explore the issues surrounding abuse.

Secondly, cheating is one thing that is too obvious. I don’t want this article to be about the obvious, surface stuff.

Sure, you should not sit there and ‘take’ it up the bumholio when you’re being cheated on. However, it is not true that cheating should always be a deal breaker because it depends on why the cheater cheated, and what kind of person the cheater actually is. (for example, are they a narcissist? Narcissists may be the least likely to change. Whereas, a totally good man could cheat (in your definition of cheating) because he is not yet emotionally bonded to a woman.

Although it is rare, a cheater can change. I don’t think it is the absolute rule that “once a cheater always a cheater” – but I do think many cheaters probably remain cheaters for a long time.

I believe that there are exceptions, so whilst from one perspective, I believe you should never tolerate cheating – it’s not that black and white.

Every situation is different, and whether cheating should be tolerated or worked through and understood by both parties or not, depends on what happened, as well as the real, unadulterated reasons why the cheater cheated in the first place.

Sometimes people cheat because they perceive that they cannot experience dark and light energy with their partner, or that they cannot experience the full range of sexual variety with that partner because their relationship is boring or restrictive. That is an example where a cheater could change – when their needs are met and when they get what they perceive as highly valuable in a relationship. And if they are willing to also take responsibility for their behaviour.

Some people cheat because they can, or because they’re not very emotionally connected people (they treat any relationship as a place they go to take), and they are unafraid of the consequences of cheating, or because they’re addicted to the experience. Those cheaters may never change without intense, permanent alterations to their environment, and peer group.

Of course, sometimes not cheating can be just as bad – one may not cheat on their partner, but for the sake of their own outdated rules, may stay faithful on the surface to their partner. All the while, ignoring real relationship issues and building up resentment which is a horrible thing to do to a significant other.

(What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…)

Now we’re ready to start on the 6 behaviours you should never tolerate in a man.

6 Behaviours You Should Never Tolerate In A Man

1: A man who doesn’t value connection in a relationship

Why do you have a relationship?

To avoid loneliness?

To get citizenship?

To get rich?

To get a steady stream of sex?

To have children?

Hopefully not. But it does happen, and that’s not wrong. It’s just not ideal for building emotional attraction and emotional connection.

Why do we have a relationship again?

Hopefully, to connect. I know this is not always the case. In fact, many people have “relationships” to take, take, and strip what they can from the other person. That’s not a relationship though. That is, I don’t know…what would you call it? Abuse.

Go to a man who wants to connect. Now, I want to be clear: I don’t mean to say: go to a man who is willing to call you more often. How often a man calls you is not a reliable indicator of whether he values connection or not. His choices in life and his behaviour when you are together is a more reliable indicator, coupled with how connected it makes you feel to be with him.

This is a hard one. Because, sometimes, if one doesn’t value connection themselves, they may not ever notice whether a man they are dating values connection or not. Because they are not connected themselves!

So what do we need to do?

We need to zoom out and look at this person objectively. Ask yourself: does what this man does day to day, reflect a man who values connection with me? Or does it more so reflect the actions of somebody who is looking for approval, validation, or novelty?

Does this man’s actions, choices and decisions, reflect a desire to value the relationship with ME, and value what we have together? Or do his actions reflect that his first valued thing is work, or sexual variety, or comfort, or being right?

Remember, zoom out.

Hover above him in an aeroplane and consider objectively – without any emotions attached – what does this man value? Does he value connection? Does he know the importance and the irreplaceable connection with one important person, like me? Or other individual family members?

2: He lets you get away with being a user, or a bitch

Tolerating a man being horrible to you is no more horrible than him tolerating you being horrible to him. Why? Because we all deserve (and need) feedback and responses from other humans in order to function healthily.

A woman not regulated by a smart, evolved masculine man is potentially dangerous to society and dangerous to herself. Very much the same as a man not receiving feedback from a woman can be dangerous to society….proceeding to hurt lots of other people, without consequences because, well, nobody cares to give those consequences.

We’re not talking about punishment here. I’m not saying that a man should punish you for being horrible, or being a user. I’m saying that you are a human and you deserve to be taught how to treat others right.

DISCLAIMER: Please differentiate between a man criticising your behaviour and a man giving you supportive, loving feedback, or simply just having good moral boundaries (which is a positive thing for him to have).

I don’t want you to think that him giving you criticism to feel superior to you means he is doing you any good. He may not be. The key in this is that he has to have good intent – he has to have the intent to want to see you do better.

You need that. I need that. Everybody else needs that. It is a gift. It shows us. It regulates us and teaches us how to love and relate.

If not, then we can spend the rest of our lives living a terrible quality of life, with nobody wanting to interact or be close to us, because other people haven’t been responsive or responsible enough to help teach us what is the acceptable way to treat others.

A man who desires your approval will compromise himself as a man. What a sad and small way to live. Don’t tolerate it.

A man who values his safety and his bubble will perhaps never demand anything more from you, but instead will just try to please you. And do you really want that in your life?

I know this may seem like a strange thing to not tolerate. But I believe it is something you should never tolerate. Why? Because it will lead you to a mediocre quality of life!
If a man wants to stay small or keep you small, then he won’t mind you treating him badly. And he won’t make you stop treating others badly, either.

Choose a man who won’t allow you to do anything stupid because he wants more for you in this life. He demands more from you. To hell with his comfort! Who cares about that? Humans are made to grow in spirit. You and your man should care about each other’s morals. You should both also have standards for the way you treat yourself and others.

3: Bad hygiene

If you’ve given someone feedback about their hygiene, and they consistently refuse to do anything to change it because they “shouldn’t have to” or because they just don’t care, then you have a problem.

The person who won’t change their habits that lead to dirty private parts, or an extremely stinky body, may not care about other important things that affect you either.

Obviously, someone who is too good to do anything about their lack of hygiene could potentially mean you experiencing unnecessary symptoms of illness, and that is not something you want to tolerate or live with.

Illness and bacteria are everywhere, they are a part of us. But illness and disease tend to manifest and debilitate us more when and if hygiene or living conditions are terrible.

4: He takes no responsibility for his decisions and actions. When something inconvenient happens, it is always someone else’s fault

If someone blames others a lot, then they are either under a lot of overwhelming stress, or they have not evolved beyond the very basic impulses humans have, or they just don’t care.

I don’t know about you but I’m over people who just don’t care. I used to want to try to be close to people who would blame me or avoid taking responsibility for their decisions, but I realised that just because I care to connect with them, does not mean that they give two flying f*cks about connecting with me. They may just want to take what they can from me.

Some people really do have long-standing habits of being defensive and cold or even uncaring.

“Well, you should stop doing that! If you didn’t do that then I wouldn’t behave like this!”

Sound familiar?

Sure, perhaps we could have behaved better, but if somebody truly believes what they are saying when they say, “If you would not do that, then I wouldn’t need to act like this/hurt you/punish you/degrade you” – then see ya later!

We all have a responsibility to try to take responsibility for our actions. If one is not even willing to entertain that idea, and they place all the blame on you, then they are not the right person for you, and you’re probably not in a healthy relationship.

Sometimes, people cannot handle the fact that they hurt you.

Sometimes, people cannot handle the truth if it means acknowledging that they played a large part in something bad that happened.

Yes, there are times where one party in the relationship has more responsibility than the other: like a parent-child relationship. Calling the child a ‘problem child’ for example, is not good enough. The parent has a responsibility to love and influence their child, or deal with the consequences.

The child is just a child: You cannot place equal blame on them until they are at the right level of maturity or understanding.

Yet in an adult relationship, the lines of responsibility are more blurred. I would not say that our responsibility in an adult relationship is equally 50/50. This is not a case of, “Well I took responsibility last time for our argument that left scars on the both of our hearts, so it’s your responsibility this time”.

That’s not the ideal to aim for, unless you have very little trust in the relationship and are still in the stages of building a foundation of trust. Then a 50/50 equal playing ground is sort of ok as a rule to go by.

However, don’t cling to that 50/50 as an immovable rule, because the ultimate ideal to aim for is this:

Whoever comes to their senses first, takes responsibility. Don’t wait, unless you guys have very little trust established in the relationship.

Whoever comes to their senses first, takes responsibility in the moment.

And if that person is always, consistently, you – and he never does the same practice of taking responsibility, then don’t tolerate him.

For example, if you guys have an argument where you both hurled insults at each other, and you are consistently apologising and he never even acknowledges that his words hurt you – then think about that. Do you want that long-term? To help you decide whether your current relationship is worth your time, I wrote an article about the 10 Ultimate Signs of a Healthy Relationship.

Why would I recommend that whoever comes to their senses first takes responsibility?

Because freedom.

Because leadership.

By being a leader, you have way more power in your relationships.

By being a courageous leader, you are able to observe much quicker over a period of time, whether this man is willing to step up to the plate, and is humble enough to be inspired by your loving actions or not. (Some men will run and hide when exposed to someone who has confidence and takes responsibility)

And when you acted the part of a leader, you get to keep your pride and dignity and possibly, even your self-confidence.

5: A man who shows no agreeableness

Agreeableness is when someone displays behaviours that can be described as kind, sympathetic, cooperative, warm and considerate.

Has he ever been kind?

Has he ever been warm? I ask specifically if he has ever been warm because one can act kind or caring on the surface, but little warmth accompanies their actions. Don’t kid yourself. Just because someone seems caring or considerate (perhaps if there’s not many people being caring or considerate in your life right now), any surface caring action can make that person seem like a saint.

Don’t kid yourself. Does this man display warmth? Has he ever displayed any warmth towards you, or animals or towards anyone else?

Do you feel like he cares for you, or for any other person related to him?

Has he ever proven to be sympathetic or considerate of your situation? Or your feelings?

A man who scores low in agreeableness is more likely to have a personality that falls in what is known as the dark triad. The dark triad encompasses narcissists, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy.

Men whose personality falls within the dark triad are also more likely to stalk (in case you were wondering).

Important: Most of us are able to actively switch from being cold or nonchalant to those whom we don’t trust and don’t want to get involved with, to being warm and loving and compassionate towards someone that we do love.

I think the key is to look at how warm the man can be towards not just you, but towards his mother, his father, his pets, his children (if he has children), and his competitors.

Sometimes a cold person can be rehabilitated with new long-term love, with a compassionate person in their life, and with new experiences and stimuli to change how their brain is wired. I am no scientist. That’s just what I believe.

But do you want to be the one to rehabilitate him?

6: He has no real passions, or masculine missions

Repetitive patterns of anger is not necessarily a sign of passion.

Resentment is also not a passion.

Learn to appreciate the difference between anger and a real passion.

Yes, anger can be a sign of passion, but not if the anger is done just to give himself an easy but fake feeling of superiority.

Anger IS passion when it comes from a belief in practising basic morals.

Anger IS passion when it is expressed to show that you are hurting him.

Anger IS passion if it is demanding truth.

Anger IS passion when it is connected to his passion or mission.

Anger IS passion if you’re angry because you truly want better for the other person or your family.

Always look and see if a man has a track record of losing his temper regularly, as a way of avoiding the truth, as a way of not letting you get through to them, or as a way of manipulating you. Those are something you should really think about seriously before tolerating.

Sometimes men have anger as a way of coping.

Let’s talk briefly about anger as a way of coping.

Sometimes a man uses anger because he has no other decent way to cope with life – and you probably shouldn’t just leave him without further thought, because that may not be his fault.

You really need to take the time to consider carefully, whether you being kind by reassuring him when he is angry, or being loving when he is angry, or giving your feminine healing energy when he is angry, would drastically help or not.

Sometimes, all our attempts to give ourselves emotionally as a gift can be blocked out or ignored. These are the cases where you should not tolerate any further. Some people are too far gone to be responsive to your efforts to give your loving feminine energy.

We all develop less than good ways of coping with life at times. You can help him see that it is a coping mechanism and let him know that you love him as he is, and that everything will be ok.

We are not perfect. None of us will ever be.

Most men would probably be responsive to your loving attempts when they are angry. And if he responds regularly and he is getting less defensive over time, or his patterns of anger are getting less over time, and even surviving the challenges of tests in unfamiliar environments and novel events, then you can keep going in that relationship until you decide you are done.

However, remember that any man you meet probably has decades of practising a particular pattern of behaving.

Any man you get involved with already has decades of patterns of dealing with difficult emotions. You can try to help or change, with the caveat that NOBODY makes a lasting change without a drastic change in their peer group and environment, and without you and others not tolerating a particular behaviour in him.

A man whose anger patterns are something he wants to keep, is not to be tolerated.

A man whose anger patterns were developed to make others wrong and himself right, without ever saying sorry or considering the other person’s perspective, may be very painful to tolerate for the rest of your life.

Anger versus passions: I believe that real passions are things you are willing to put effort in to.

Things that you would sacrifice other things for.

Passions are things that you care deeply for.

Passions are things that you go through great discomfort to pursue and achieve.

Passions are beliefs that you would die on the cross for.

Passions scream at us to give something to the world. To create and express ourselves.

Without this passion, then over time, your relationship will lose attraction and passion. You may lose respect for him.

(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s free. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)


What does it mean to not “tolerate” a behaviour in a man?

Let’s be clear on the word ‘tolerate’. What does it mean to not tolerate the above 6 behaviours in a man?

It doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to leave him right now. I didn’t write this so that you could immediately leave your boyfriend. Unless of course, you had already mostly made up your mind and this article just helped steer you towards that decision.

You might need some time to think carefully. To observe him objectively (not with emotion, as it is hard to observe correctly when you are caught up in a relationship).

It might mean conducting more research. To make things clearer and simpler for you, I wrote this article on the 10 Seemingly Harmless Signs of A Toxic Relationship. You might want to check that out!

Researching further might mean asking other people (who know him) what they think. Do they trust him? Is he warm? What happened in his past relationships? It might mean studying his Instagram, youtube or facebook posts and thinking about what impression his posts give to the average human observing.

Either way, it means to not allow such behaviour to continue existing in your relationship. It means to have values and rules for the right reasons.

And it means to stick to those values because you value your time, which is finite. It means that you value your energy, which is also finite. You don’t have forever to fart around with someone who repeatedly proves time to be unfit for relationship.

A relationship with the wrong person can teach you valuable things, but only if you pause long enough to feel what it has taught you.

Of course, remember that I am just some person (although I care). Always use your own gut instinct. Always check in with your heart, not your head.

And feel for how much you trust a man. Your body was inherited through millions of years of selection – millions of women before you have given you reasonably accurate feelings about men and how good or bad intentioned they are.

So, don’t ignore what your gut knows. Be honest with yourself. Are you desperate? Are you feeling extremely lonely?

If you are in a very lonely situation, then you will be more targeted by bad natured men, and less accurate in your gut responses because you want something for yourself and (there’s nothing wrong with that) however, your desperation to gain something can overshadow the truth.

If you want to learn more about how a low value man might show up, read my post 7 Burning Signs A Man Is Showing Up Low Value.

Thank you for taking the time to read this 🙂

Would you consider letting me know your thoughts? In the comments below is a space for a small population of women who think like you, to share their feelings and thoughts. You don’t have to agree with me, I always welcome your perspective. Thank you in advance!


P.S. I’ve also put together an exciting little quiz for you. The quiz is called, “How Commitment-Friendly is My Man?”

It’s only a handful of questions and you’ll get to learn exactly how likely it is that your man will commit.

In case you haven’t done it… click here to do the short quiz

I think you’ll love it. Anyhow that’s all from me!

P.P.S. Connect with me on social media

Our new Facebook Group is here… Join the “High Value Feminine Women” Community using this link

0 0 vote
Article Rating
Notify of
Oldest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments

I absolutely love your advice best sincere REAL advice!


May I ask your sun sign? Your objectivity on your own behaviour appears very capricorn-like. Otherwise I would guess you were a virgo.


I’m with a man who is loyal, loves his family members, has an income, great hobbies, likes to talk with me, spend time with me and yet… there is no passion….. I’m concerned that the problem is me. Here’s why. I don’t like his hobbies (even though there is nothing wrong with them. He kayaks, sails, plays the saxophone. He bores me! I wish he didn’t! He is a little baby like (not great I know). Bottom line, I’m not fulfilled. Any suggestions?

Marion stephen
Marion stephen

I think you are very educated on this topic. I wish I could talk to you one on one.


This article disturbs me quite a bit. Language like “you need to be taught” implies an inherent flaw or issue which may or may not be there. “Your man should not try to please you – so if he does, tell him how displeased you are by that.” What? Do you not see the circular lack of logic there? “Observe him without emotion but make decisions with your ‘heart’.” Huh? Also what the heck are “masculine missions”? The frequency of the use of the word “tolerate” and “allowed/not allowed” is pretty disturbing to me. How about mutual respect? Or genuine… Read more »


I had been with my partner for 12 years. I did not fall in love with him for his looks or money. He had neither. I fell in love because of his personality, he came across so caring and considerate. I supported him, I let him move into my place, as he had been staying round his sisters house after being kicked out by his wife. I helped him to become an: “ADI” I invested in him by paying the tuition fee. I traded in my car and bought him a brand new car, so he can teach pupils. I… Read more »

Reply to  Sally

I feel for you. I agree. It’s like you get vulnerable and give and add value to someone but they turn around and use you although Renee says there’s no such thing as using a woman and there’s no such thing as taking for granted, it’s just that you show up with low value. I don’t believe helping a man a fellow human in a time of need and investing in a future is low vale because a man can do the very same thing and go on a male website and be told he shouldn’t do it because the… Read more »


I’m so ecstatic to find this website and these intelligent articles. At the same time, I’m mortified to see how blind I’ve been my whole life when it comes to men. I’m learning so much but it might be too late to apply, since I’m not young anymore, but at least I can understand what went wrong and not repeat it! I really love how you go so deep into reasons and root causes of our behaviors with each other as men and women. Renee, you are a breath of fresh air in this current culture. I can’t quit reading… Read more »


“He takes no responsibility for his decisions and actions. When something inconvenient happens, it is always someone else’s fault”

Don’t you find it a teeny-weeny bit ironic that you write things like the following. But don’t write, these same rules should apply for us as well.

Reply to  Jack

Your intentions might be good, but your message is not.

MEETING THE ENEMY A feminist comes to terms with the Men’s Rights movement | Cassie Jaye | TEDxMarin

Reply to  Renee Wade

If women get frustrated by you setting standards for them, then it’s them projecting their lack of standards while they read it. They are 100% in control of whom they spend their time with, just like they are 100% responsible for whom they select from the sexual dominance hierarchy. What you do is you pander anger to an already angry audience. Sure it helps you sell whatever it is you’re selling, but it doesn’t help close the gap between the genders. There’s very little constructive conversation in here. Mainly it’s just attacking men or wanting them to change their behavior.… Read more »

Reply to  Jack

One tiny last thing actually. Which could be good for you. Would be to find a male (with completely opposite ideas), and just have his opinion on many of the things you’re talking about. This way it might be less polarizing.

Reply to  Jack

Jack, you must have a LOT of time on your hands. How about pursuing some of your passions? This can’t be one of them?

Reply to  Jack

Do you just google “dating/relationship websites for women,” barely skim over the first article you find, and then unload your angry diatribe? You’re HILARIOUS because the focal point of Renee Wade’s advice to women IS about understanding men, putting ourselves in men’s shoes, understanding that men and women are different and we see things differently, not blaming men or being bitchy/nagging, NOT coming at men with anger, and seeing where we may have fallen short in the relationship. But damned if you do, damned if you don’t, I guess. Or maybe this particular article hit a little too close to… Read more »

Reply to  Jack

The fact that you think these valid points are hate mongering shows how fragile your ego is. This obviously struck a nerve. I’d invite you to take an honest look at why this article has made you so angry.

Reply to  Jack

Looks like someone didn’t read the article!

“But don’t write, these same rules should apply for us as well.”

US? And here I thought Jack was a male name…


I actually have a friend who does things similar number 4 a lot. I try to come to her with something she’s done that hurts me. But all she ever does is turn around and yell at me saying things like, “you only feel like this because you’re insecure” and, “your ‘inner demons’ are getting in the way of our friendship”. It’s hard because we’ve been friends for 14 years now..It hurts so bad that I can’t come to her and express my pain, even if it doesn’t involve her I’m met with very cold hearted responses from her. I’m… Read more »


Hi, Renee!

This might sound like I’m being a smart-ass, but I’m serious:

You say there is bound to be misunderstandings between a masculine man
and a feminine woman because of their polarity.

But you give advice on how to understand men better so they feel understood.
(Think like a man, in other words)

So the MORE I understand my guy, the LESS polarity we’ll have?

Reply to  Renee Wade

No, I don’t think polarity is everything. You need more than polarity for a relationship to last.

Reply to  Renee Wade

Thanks, Renee. I get the Attraction and Connection thing and I know that you teach to connect to a man without having to be a carbon copy of him. Vive la difference! 🙂

Reply to  Renee Wade

My guy friend says he’s missing me after a number of days and it sounds like he wants to connect like we do usually but I don’t know if he’s missing my feminine energy or it’s just a booty call if it’s at night and he wants to come over. Although he says he misses me because I am a human and it’s because of humanity he feels that way. He told me a lot about himself because we spent so much time together that he said I was his best friend to his sexfriend. Then she and others started… Read more »

He Mim
He Mim

Bad hygienics, lack of warmth and kindness are the easier ones to reject… Tolerance of the other behaviors, may vary, depending your own standards… then, find the man with compatible standards, I’d say.

Tamara van der Loo
Tamara van der Loo

Thank you so much for this video, Renee. Especially the how much does he want to connect part was really helpful. I am going to hound him with that… I am so glad that you have this website and I love reading your newsletters a lot.


What if your man didn’t have these traits as a boyfriend but now as a husband has many of these. What do you do then? I am struggling on what yo do since I have felt this for years but you only put together what I already have known about what not to be around.

Renee Wade
Reply to  Rena

Hi Rena. It really depends on your situation. I don’t have enough information here to give you a relevant answer. 🙂

Victoria Kurasinski
Victoria Kurasinski

Very well done and very helpful.Thank you so much

Renee Wade

You are welcome! 🙂

Margarida Gomes
Margarida Gomes

Renee, maybe perhaps an article would answer so many questions. Do you think a woman inviting the man first to go out is always low value? A woman like this would be called a pursuer and on her masculine energy?


My problem is if I was taken for granted and now seem low value by paying or giving a guy half of my juice and lunch much more than he did for me and he went on boasting about it to his friends. Is it masculine? He does like women to take care of him and he didn’t have steady jobs at the time but now I feel he just used my good graces to show off to the other guys who respected and adored me.

Rita Hernandez
Rita Hernandez

This article was eye opening and even confirmation of some things I already knew. Thank you, thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge.

Renee Wade
Reply to  Rita Hernandez

You’re welcome Rita. Glad you are here to read 🙂


Hey there Renée ! First let me thank you for this article and for all articles you’ve put here. They helped me a lot in my journey. About this article, it responded to some questions i’ve been asking myself about recently and i think i found the right answer to them here 🙂 Especially the “stalking” matter lol i used to think of it as “romantic” but well lately my gut as a woman restarted to function and i’ve been feeling really uneasy about it and repelled by it. And now you’re confirming my feelings here. P.s. your “understanding men”… Read more »

Renee Wade
Reply to  Rayane

Welcome to Understanding Men as a member! So happy to hear you’re working with the information in the program Rayane 🙂

Send this to a friend