1) The only difference between a friendship and a relationship is intimacy. If you have a sexless marriage or a sexless relationship, what are you? companions? best friends? If a couple doesn’t have much sex, then this generally means they lack passion, and that they could be more in love. There’s no such thing as losing the feeling of being in love. You just lose the ‘state’ of being in love, and you lose polarity/passion with your spouse.  You can be in love and have passionate sex way in to your old age. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

Yes, sex is not the only way to achieve intimacy, but it is one of the main and most important ways to achieve intimacy between a man and a woman. Not making sex a priority can cause your relationship to deteriorate. The passion dies out.

2) Women can go to their girlfriends, a counselor, a guy friend, a mother, father, relative, aunt, to connect and talk to people. Men don’t generally do this.

I’m not saying there aren’t men who DO call their guy friends up for a long chat about their feelings, problems and sex life, but this is not common.

Sex is one of the major and most important ways through which a man gets his needs of connection/love met. Men aren’t just asking for sex because it feels good (although that’s part of it too). (read my article about why men love blowjobs)

If a man loves his woman, he wants to have sex with her because he loves her and wants her to be open to him. This is one of the main ways in which a man expresses his love, and it is one of the major ways in which a woman can show and prove her love for her man (although by no means the ONLY way).

For a lot of men, his woman is the only place he can go to for connection and love. His woman is often the only source he has. Men have many challenges in the world – and it’s important that he has a woman who understands his needs. Of course – understanding a man’s needs is not about just giving him sex. Men have many other needs, too. But the issue of sex is one that many women struggle with.

And, the modern western world has been affected by the feminist movement which has given women the idea that they shouldn’t prioritize a man’s needs, and that includes not wanting to meet his sexual needs regularly. However, the man is still expected to meet her needs!

Your man’s needs are just as important as the needs of your children or the needs of your friends! At the end of it all – your man is the one you’re going to be left with. Children will grow up and leave. Friends will have their own lives. A sexless marriage or a sexless relationship can cause a man to become dejected and resentful, as with every rejection the negative association (with his wife or girlfriend) becomes stronger.

3) Let’s talk about masculine and feminine energy, which relates very, very closely to sex. The masculine energy is about releasing. The feminine energy is about filling up. I’ll say that again. The masculine energy wants to release and the feminine energy wants to fill up.Filling up is also very much about the emotional aspect of things.

The feminine energy has many ways to fill up – shopping, having sex, talking to girlfriends, connecting with pets, talking, listening, and much more. The masculine energy has many ways in which they can release, too – but men don’t generally think the way women do.

Click here to take our popular program Understanding Men.

4) It feeds a man’s needs for love from his woman. I know a lot of women will want to lash out at me for saying this – but if two people are in a relationship, and the woman denies her man of sex, puts the children/career/girlfriends/other family first, then over time, this starts to build up negative associations within the man in relation to the woman, and makes him feel less like a man, less loved, less accepted – and this can (NOT always!) lead to cheating. (read my article about can a man be monogamous?)

Sex with a woman whom he loves fulfills a very deep need for love and acceptance within a man. If you’re not attracted to him enough in order to want to have sex with him, over time, he may start to feel less of a man – more like you don’t accept him as a man and that you’re not attracted to him. This is a painful thing to feel.

This is also one reason why men cheat. A lot of their emotional needs are met through sex!!

In The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It licensed family counselor M. Gary Neuman studied hundreds of men who had cheated on their wives, in order to find out why they did.

His results show clearly that the main reason why men did cheat on their women was for emotional reasons. When asked what led to their cheating, the answers given by the men showed up as follows:

  • 48% – primarily emotional dissatisfaction
  • 32% – equal emotional and sexual dissatisfaction
  • 8% – primarily sexual dissatisfaction

This doesn’t mean women should be pressured in to having sex. Women and men (equally) need to work on creating passion, love and excitement with their spouse so that lack of sex will not be a problem, but rather – lack of free time, space or opportunity for it 😉 – a much healthier problem!!

5) I’ll be as frank as I can.

Never expect to just be loved and adored for who you are without having to put any effort and sweat in to anything. We are all enough – but you can never, ever – expect to have and keep the man of your dreams or to have a passionate lifelong, loving relationship where you’re worshipped and adored by your man for life if you do not give to him. It’s all about the standards you have for yourself.

And, it’s important to remember that women (and men) must give to their spouse in a way that their spouse can receive it! If you just give or express love to them in the way YOU think is best – but the other person doesn’t perceive love in this, then it’s very easy for that relationship to break down.

If you’re always thinking of yourself, and constantly quantifying what you get and give in your relationship (like that terrible, TERRIBLE sayingGive-and-take) you will never have and experience that amazing relationship that everyone dreams of and which everybody wants. (Click here to take the quiz “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

That’s all for now. Do you have any thoughts on this subject? Feel free to share them below. And, if you did like the article, let me know. Also, let me know if you hated it too 🙂

AND – if you want to understand more about men and sex, read my article ‘Why Men Love Blow Jobs‘.


  • GreenTara

    Renee, I agree with your approach but disagree with the statement “… the feminist movement which has given women the idea that they shouldn’t prioritize a man’s needs..” Not sure where you got this idea from. Are you saying that men’s needs are more important than women’s? I think it is 50-50. Lots of people like to blame feminism for everything under the sun. In most places in this world, only a man’s needs are considered important and women can be raped and abused without immpunity. Go live in Saudi Arabia or India if you don’t beleive me.

  • Just a person

    I don’t tend to view things in terms of generalized gender roles, I view things as we’re all people, with different view points and we all look different.

    That being said I’m in my early thirties, and over the past year my partner and I have decreased the amount of sex we have.

    It started as a healthy 3-4 times a week, I admittedly tried to weasel more but my partner told me flat out that they couldn’t handle that. Knowing this I accepted the physicality limitation and life went on.

    Over the course of the past year I had been injured at my job and it certainly has effected us. Sex has declined steadily to now one time over the course of 2 weeks is a miracle. I have been unable to work and as such have taken the bulk of household duties trying to get done whatever I can handle physically.

    As my partner gets home at 6:30pm I make sure dinner is done then or shortly there after. I’ve tried cooking favorite meals, massages, candle lit time in the evening, music we like. Nothing as of yet seems to work. We cuddle regularly but the last time we’ve made love was over a year ago…I can honestly care less about the sex as just sex, but my partner is gorgeous and I want to show them how they make me feel, I want to make them feel glorious.

    We’ve tried talking, and by we I mean I’ve inquired and they dance around my queries or flat out ignore them.

    We’ve been together a short amount of time about 3 years, have dated before and known each other for close to ten years. Any advice or insight would be amazing….I feel like I’m drowning.

  • Noralee Sprague

    Ok, how about this one. I am a 54 yr. Old female. I work as a stocker. Very tough for me to keep up with the younger more fit youngsters. However, I do it anyways. Why, because my husband refuses to look for work. I could be on my death bed and he would want sex. Look, I love my husband. Yet this man will keep me up all night knowing I have to work at 4 am. I get up at 2am. He has voiced his opinion over and over again. Why do I deny him sex. My answer isn’t ever good enough. It couldn’t be because I am certainly menepausal or Im tired from heavy lifting stair stepping stretching and on my fett moving for a hrs a day. Oh, my all time favorite. Feels i should share in the responsibility of the cooking cleaning etc. And he certainly doesnt understand when i get upset after him drilling me for hours a bout why i dont want to have sex with him, about busting my ass while he runs around. Hmm. Am i wrong?

  • Aurora Michelina

    This is stupid. Women don’t deny their men of sex. Women love sex.

  • Mabel Candy

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  • Gozmuz

    probably marriage is artificial, it was made up and is not natural.

  • BKNL

    Yes, I have a question.. what about when it is the other way around???

  • Thejist

    They make you hand your nuts over at the door then turn on you
    when you don’t act like a man cause they have forgotten how to treat a
    man. They expect men to love them like a woman loves, not like a man
    would love and then realize they have a sensitive b/tch that has no clue
    how to get them to collapse when they try to stand when we are done
    showing our love like the man use to.

    Its a waste and will actually be the reason for the complete collapse of the western world,,,,,seem extreme? think about it……………….. here I will help……..Unfortunately, men run the planet always have and always will. it sucks, but……..When the more male dominant societies like in the middle east,eastern Europe and most of Asia come to take whats ours in business, money then
    eventually for control of our countries, ideals including absolutely no
    women rights with any resistance resulting in beheading, they will walk
    right through us. These pansy ass, no confidence, no courage or balls cause they were handed over at the door, (remember you have?) mushy b/tches “men” that have been created wont stand a chance at protecting your bodies cause we weren’t allowed to touch them,
    The People that were instinctively programmed to protect you have been rewired to let them get taken over by these backward societies who at least still had their balls but will be the complete opposite of what you threw away.

    Cause they took the rights movement waaaaay too far and to the extreme.

    Well have fun getting forced to marry Kuljeet the wife beater who
    LEGALLY can beat his wife,,,,,,,Yay fun!!!!!!!!!! we just wanted to f’ck
    you a few times a week, was it really that much trouble?
    But hey! the new society wont effect me really . im a man.
    Quick toss us our nuts before its too late!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • jamie

    Whenever I hear about a woman not wanting sex I automatically wonder if she’s not getting any pleasure out of it or not getting pleasure that often. After all bar a medical condition why would someone not want something that gives them pleasure?

  • Zeta

    Agreeable. The cheating aspect? Really??? You’re giving a gateway to men that cheating may happen if their spouse doesn’t “give it up” all of the time. That’s a bit controlling and seemingly making women feel like they should be submissive. “If you don’t have sex with me when I want it, I’ll go elsewhere”. Don’t you think a lot of women have enough insecurities in this day and age without having to worry about their man cheating? Love is love. If his heart is filled with love for you, he will not stray no matter what. A man who cheats is not a real man, but a man that’s weak. Instead, advise men to be more open about their sexual needs with their spouse and work it out.

    • Luke

      You put it all on men, because modern women overthink things so much that they become insecure…? That’s the new way the feminine energy gets filled? With doubt and insecurity? I don’t want any part of a woman if she’s going to bring such self-centered emotions to the table. They will consume her and the relationship.

  • StevieD

    I don’t know if this thread is still active and would love to know. I’d hate to put out my SOS to an empty room can someone please let me know. I’ll check back to see if anyone is out there…because I’m drowning in a loveless relationship of 9 years and I don’t know what to do…my whole world is falling apart.

  • emily brown

    well all the men who are on here saying that their woman doesnt want to make love to them/have sex…ShAmE ON THOSE WOMEN. i am a young woman with a very high sex drive just wishing my young fiance could be like how you are.. wanting and needin sex. he is always TiRED HE SAYS. AND i understand that i do my best to please him ..i just want the same in return .
    mind u it is not AlL ABOUT SEX ive learned that through him..the love is there a whole lot of love but i still need to be pleased how a man should please his woman sigh…. its one thing to know how ur partner is before u marry them and stilll marry them.. an its another to not knw yet an marry them an then end up regrettin it so if u knw how they were before u married them then its on u..jus how it will be on me..if i choose to marry him still.

  • Najat

    I am so much in love with my husband that it almost hurts – in a good way. We have been together some years, in the beginning long distance, and have a child together. I want him to hold me, sleep in his arms at night and I want to have sex every night and so we do, I just want to keep it like this always forever. I think I will become crazy, if we don’t sleep close one night I can’t sleep and think why, it’s the best and the worst to love but want to stay with this feeling always.

  • Tracey Stent

    What a crock of Sh*t

    • Simone

      Illness is a legitimate reason for not wanting/not being able to engage in sexual activity. However, if, like my sister, you are still bringing an illness up seven and a bit years after you have been cured of said illness – an example, “You can’t expect me to do that, I had CANCER” – then there is something wrong with you.

      I have sex with my fiance when he wants, as long as there is no physical or mental barrier that stops me doing so. He has sex with me whenever I want, sometimes when their is a mental barrier to him doing so – i.e, when I’ve done something that he doesn’t like and he’s sulking.

      I actively reject religion, but I do believe that, in the context of a loving relationship where neither of the parties are abusive to the other, when you get married, you give your heart, soul AND body to your spouse. But, then, I have chosen not to have children for the sole reason that I love my husband more than anyone else in the entire world and would never put a child in the position of being second best to my husband.

      If a person does not want sex, that is fine. But you cannot expect the decision to withdraw from sex not to have consequences,

      “Real men” do not let their partners boss them around, dictate to them, emotionally or physically abuse them. “Real women” do not let men boss them around, dictate to them, emotionally or physically abuse them. Unless, of course, that is what either party is in to, in which case that is totally your own business, unless you post about it on a public forum and make it other people’s.

      Sorry to hear about your (or your friend’s, rather) medical issues, cancer and SDD (Sexual Desire Disorder). It’s sad to me that people can go through hardship and not have sex to look forward to at the end of it.

  • Sara

    Dear Renee,
    I loved your article and I am reading and following your programs, I am an fan of yours. Reading this article is specially painful for me. As I am a woman where from which his men denies sex. All I can read everywhere how men want to have sex all the time and women don’t. I never read about the opposite. My men rejects me and does not want to have sex with me. I am exactly in the shoes what you describe for the male party in this article. Who is going to finally touch up on this issue? I believe I am not alone with this problem. It would be nice to read about this as well, it appears to be a taboo in my view.
    Thanks for reading my lines.
    Keep up the great work.

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  • james

    What’s a non-argumentative, un-douchey way to get my girlfriend to read this?
    The author really does know what shes talking about, it’s refreshing to hear a woman hit this issue right on the head, I’m a 24 year old guy going through this with my gf and for the first time in around 8 years I’m thinking of how bad cheating would really be. I would never, but f*** me, after a month I feel like a mental patient. Punch Holes in walls type of s***..
    I have sex once a month if I try super-hard and the moon is just right. I take pride in being so good to her, bring her breakfast & coffee in bed every single day, I make the money and see that she is spoiled with it. Were both undoubtedly in love and I show it every waking second, but the frustration that this kind of shit causes to men is real. Can’t remember the last time I’ve teared up, been a couple years, I’m strong for my woman, but this kind of stuff hits a man so hard that sometimes you can’t stop a tear. Anytime I bring it up she spits back with anger and what seems like disgust that I would even bring up such an issue with us. On the PLUS-side, bottling all of this up is making my stone-cold, ‘thousand-yard stare’ look straight up grizzly! There’s nothing like watching another man back down after he realizes you’re dead int he eyes.

    • Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

      Why don’t you leave? Find a GF whose sexual drive more closely resembles yours? You sound like a sweet guy, I’d love it if I found a guy who brought me breakfast in bed…. “every single day”!

      • james

        She said she’d love the same type of guy, lol. Unfortunately after a while of doing that for her, and other things, I kind of have to keep one-upping myself since she’ll gets tired of the same surprises. Eventually, It gets too difficult to compete with yourself, for nothing.
        Being the ‘sweet guy’ sure as hell is not worth it, it’s bs, but it’s something that some men just can not rid.

        • Simone

          Break up with her, unless she has some kind of medical impediment for withholding sex.

          When my father started divorce proceedings last year, I was SO angry at him. Thirty years of marriage and four children obviously meant nothing to him.

          But then I found out that they hadn’t had sex in three years, and that she had been making him feel guilty every time they had sex since I was born TWENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO.

          Address the issue now and avoid the possible complication of marriage and children. Or, alternatively, stop being a good boyfriend, and when she asks why, tell her that if she refuses to give you what you need (and when she tries to slap you down for this, remind her that it’s YOUR job to decide what you need, and that it’s backed up by actual biological facts about men), then you refuse to give her what she needs.

          Note: All methods will probably lead to you breaking up,as you are obviously sexually incompatible, unless you are willing to live your life without sex – i.e, the basic and elemental physical expression of love and mutual attraction. I sure as hell wouldn’t be.

          • Screw_Globalism

            You have my respect for seeing your fathers POV , I salute you. Women are quick to bash men as ” sex crazed disgusting perverts ” , but this is mainly due to negative ” media ” brainwashing that always paints men as subhuman detritus , plus man hating feminist propaganda. This , in turn , influences a growing number of men not to even bother interacting with women.

      • Screw_Globalism

        Only a tiny handful of women have sex drives approaching a man’s. Most women ( this comes from real live women ) are very happy to be totally celibate , sex is something most women are happier to do without.

    • Screw_Globalism

      You may as well be single , dump her !! But , finding a woman with a sizeable sex drive is very difficult , as they are few in number.

    • Shannon Dorman

      Check out the redpoll on Reddit…there are some super angry & unhealthy males on there, but also some really smart & reasonable ones…

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  • Are Leen

    It is fine to think to think giving sex to a man will make him love a woman but if a man is unattractive, doesn’t shave often, is fat, has poor hygiene, ugly toes nails etc, smacks when he eats etc. how is that supposed to make a woman want to have sex with this type of spouse.?. Love is love but get real an above attractive woman is not going to get aroused by this type of man. Also, as far as blow jobs, for 17 years I have not given my husband a blow job, mind numbing fabulous hard core fucking yes, blow jobs… no. The reason is he has a large bent penis with a botched circumcision and I refuse to put my mouth on that. I will not succumb to that type of degradation.

    I have given excellent blow jobs in my youth and love a large, beautiful straight, shaft pink penis, but bent ugly penises will not go in my mouth. I have had many more sexual partners than my husband and know the difference between a good lover and a boring one. My husband did not know what or where a clitoris is. This a problem, he was 42 and now he’s 48 and still has never given me a clitoral orgasim. Good grief, most men have no idea how to get a woman off, to say you have to submit your vigina is kinda lame, not that I deny what you say as being true that submitting is what he needs to feel loved.

    There are so many woman out there that would rock there husbands sex world IF he was better looking, a better lover, better listener, etc. I personally get myself off with a plug in vibrator and dildo combination. Men in general can’t provide that type of stimulation. Women would have sex much more often IF they had a mind blowing orgasim, but sadly that normally never happens, or for the lucky few that it does, I’m sure those women don’t shy away from sex with there spouse, boyfriend etc. You don’t mention men’s failure to satisfy, Why?

    • Evito

      I realize its 7 months ago but i digress. You do know that you are not in a happy marriage right? If you’ve done sexual acts with others that you wont do to him will make him extremely resentful and frustrated quite often, he propably wont show it to you but he will jump on the first vagina he can with an attitude like yours and i cant really blame him. Feminism indeed has destroyed all marital and especially feminine values in your relationship. Why on earth would you bait and switch a guy whilst promising to respect and love him should be beyond the pale for anyone but propably everyone knows the real reason is yoi fucked around for the better paft of a decade then decided you wamt the family thing and especially financial security, without a seconds thought as to wether you deserve that or not. He sure didn’t deserve the shitty deal you gave him and he’s propsbly resigned to the fact that he can either get divorce raped by you or live in a dead marriage.

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