1) The only difference between a friendship and a relationship is intimacy. If you have a sexless marriage or a sexless relationship, what are you? companions? best friends? If a couple doesn’t have much sex, then this generally means they lack passion, and that they could be more in love. There’s no such thing as losing the feeling of being in love. You just lose the ‘state’ of being in love, and you lose polarity/passion with your spouse.  You can be in love and have passionate sex way in to your old age. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

Yes, sex is not the only way to achieve intimacy, but it is one of the main and most important ways to achieve intimacy between a man and a woman. Not making sex a priority can cause your relationship to deteriorate. The passion dies out.

2) Women can go to their girlfriends, a counselor, a guy friend, a mother, father, relative, aunt, to connect and talk to people. Men don’t generally do this.

I’m not saying there aren’t men who DO call their guy friends up for a long chat about their feelings, problems and sex life, but this is not common.

Sex is one of the major and most important ways through which a man gets his needs of connection/love met. Men aren’t just asking for sex because it feels good (although that’s part of it too). (read my article about why men love blowjobs)

If a man loves his woman, he wants to have sex with her because he loves her and wants her to be open to him. This is one of the main ways in which a man expresses his love, and it is one of the major ways in which a woman can show and prove her love for her man (although by no means the ONLY way).

For a lot of men, his woman is the only place he can go to for connection and love. His woman is often the only source he has. Men have many challenges in the world – and it’s important that he has a woman who understands his needs. Of courseunderstanding a man’s needs is not about just giving him sex. Men have many other needs, too. But the issue of sex is one that many women struggle with.

And, the modern western world has been affected by the feminist movement which has given women the idea that they shouldn’t prioritize a man’s needs, and that includes not wanting to meet his sexual needs regularly. However, the man is still expected to meet her needs!

Your man’s needs are just as important as the needs of your children or the needs of your friends! At the end of it all – your man is the one you’re going to be left with. Children will grow up and leave. Friends will have their own lives. A sexless marriage or a sexless relationship can cause a man to become dejected and resentful, as with every rejection the negative association (with his wife or girlfriend) becomes stronger.

3) Let’s talk about masculine and feminine energy, which relates very, very closely to sex. The masculine energy is about releasing. The feminine energy is about filling up. I’ll say that again. The masculine energy wants to release and the feminine energy wants to fill up.Filling up is also very much about the emotional aspect of things.

The feminine energy has many ways to fill up – shopping, having sex, talking to girlfriends, connecting with pets, talking, listening, and much more. The masculine energy has many ways in which they can release, too – but men don’t generally think the way women do.

Click here to take our popular program Understanding Men.

4) It feeds a man’s needs for love from his woman. I know a lot of women will want to lash out at me for saying this – but if two people are in a relationship, and the woman denies her man of sex, puts the children/career/girlfriends/other family first, then over time, this starts to build up negative associations within the man in relation to the woman, and makes him feel less like a man, less loved, less accepted – and this can (NOT always!) lead to cheating. (read my article about can a man be monogamous?)

Sex with a woman whom he loves fulfills a very deep need for love and acceptance within a man. If you’re not attracted to him enough in order to want to have sex with him, over time, he may start to feel less of a man – more like you don’t accept him as a man and that you’re not attracted to him. This is a painful thing to feel.

This is also one reason why men cheat. A lot of their emotional needs are met through sex!!

In The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It licensed family counselor M. Gary Neuman studied hundreds of men who had cheated on their wives, in order to find out why they did.

His results show clearly that the main reason why men did cheat on their women was for emotional reasons. When asked what led to their cheating, the answers given by the men showed up as follows:

  • 48% – primarily emotional dissatisfaction
  • 32% – equal emotional and sexual dissatisfaction
  • 8% – primarily sexual dissatisfaction

This doesn’t mean women should be pressured in to having sex. Women and men (equally) need to work on creating passion, love and excitement with their spouse so that lack of sex will not be a problem, but rather – lack of free time, space or opportunity for it 😉 – a much healthier problem!!

5) I’ll be as frank as I can.

Never expect to just be loved and adored for who you are without having to put any effort and sweat in to anything. We are all enough – but you can never, ever – expect to have and keep the man of your dreams or to have a passionate lifelong, loving relationship where you’re worshipped and adored by your man for life if you do not give to him. It’s all about the standards you have for yourself.

And, it’s important to remember that women (and men) must give to their spouse in a way that their spouse can receive it! If you just give or express love to them in the way YOU think is best – but the other person doesn’t perceive love in this, then it’s very easy for that relationship to break down.

If you’re always thinking of yourself, and constantly quantifying what you get and give in your relationship (like that terrible, TERRIBLE sayingGive-and-take) you will never have and experience that amazing relationship that everyone dreams of and which everybody wants. (Click here to take the quiz “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

That’s all for now. Do you have any thoughts on this subject? Feel free to share them below. And, if you did like the article, let me know. Also, let me know if you hated it too 🙂

AND – if you want to understand more about men and sex, read my article ‘Why Men Love Blow Jobs‘.

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PETER C
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PETER C

HEY, im here to share my story and ask for help to understand this situation better and maybe get some sort of advice as i feel like that everything i do or say makes her hate me. shes pregnant for 5 months now. as a man i feel a great need for sex and she doesnt feel any at all. i read about it alot and there are many woman that has no sex drive so you can guess this year was a disaster for me as a men. i find her very attractive but every time we touch this… Read more »

Stephanie
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Stephanie

I don’t actually understand why women do that. I mean I am a woman, but I also want to have sex, and yeah, we “discharge energy” by friend and sh*t, but is not like talking to your friend and Be with your pet would make don’t want to have sex.

Frank
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Frank

What are you doing Wednesday;-)

Male - Fuwo
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Male - Fuwo

One thing that is often very poorly described in written form is the nature and importance of a man’s sexual instinct (sex drive). It is often described as being “not the most important thing in a marriage”. I even seem to recall reading someone on this forum somewhere describing this way. However, describing it thus is really over simplistic to the point of being unrealistic. Although risky and difficult, I would like to try and describe in words what it is like to a married man to be deprived of sex. By this I mean having to get into bed… Read more »

Marcus
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Marcus

Well said. I am in a marriage that had a strong sexual component for ~18 years, but which has tapered off to a slow drip, and I’m off to see a lawyer.

Thomas Winston
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Thomas Winston

I agree with you 100 percent!

kristinhazcats
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kristinhazcats

Men are too needy

Marcus
Guest
Marcus

That’s like water telling sand it’s too wet.

Alexine Sarmiento
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Alexine Sarmiento

Why men always like that, they have no problem about childbearing and they don’t care about woman is pregnant. THAT IS GUYS FAULT!!! (it depends)

Michael
Guest
Michael

Prior to my marriage, our relationship and the spontaneous sex was incredible. We got married and things went South from there. I was at the age of 54, and no dummy. Something was up! Ultimately, I was a paycheck and she decided It was time to move on and I wasn’t good enough! Four years of weird hell. Counseling was a joke! Oh, I didn’t mention that this was her third marriage. Or, was it her fourth? She was greedy and not trustworthy. For Gods, sake, I thought I was doing the right thing. Now I’m 58, and lonely as… Read more »

Luna Camarthan
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Luna Camarthan

A few years ago I was with a man and someone I was very close to died. That evening I was in tears and my boyfriend started getting sexy with me. I was so angry! How could he possibly think I wanted sex at a time like that! A couple of years later his father died and I couldnt understand how he still wanted sex that night. We had a huge row (no, Im not proud of it) and in the heat of that row he said “would it kill you to at least try to make me feel better?!… Read more »

thenose
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thenose

I worked towards 2 college degrees. A Bachelors and a masters. Still unemployed and angry about it.. My wife and I have been married 30 years. My wife seems to value our relationship on how much money “I” make. since being unemployed, my wife has no longer been giving me sex. Its been 10 months. I can tell you with every fiber of my being I am going to cheat on her. I am sick of this shit. I have become resentful of her denying me sex. Going to bed early, rising, not talking to me all day….. I have… Read more »

Andre Garcia
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Andre Garcia

This article is so sexist against men… it’s ridiculous… but the part that is the most uncalled for is when it talks about men having no outlet for communication of their feelings, absolutely untrue. And women can go to a ‘guy friend’?! If you are in a committed relationship, take it from me, relieve yourself from any close ‘guy friends’… no man should ever have to feel in competition with another for the love, affection, and time of the woman he loves.

Good ol' Countryboy
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Good ol' Countryboy

You hit it right on the head. My wife refused to have sex with me for 2 years. Before that we only had sex once every couple of months. I had no connection with my wife emotionally during the 10+ years we had no or almost no sex. I became withdrawn and very resentful. It hurt that I loved my wife so much but felt no love from her. I tried to talk with her about it but she continued give her all to the kids, career, friends etc… There was nothing for me. We were on the verge of… Read more »

Ashley Kinscy
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Ashley Kinscy

I’m just not seeing the purpose of giving him what he wants, which in this case it’s sex. Why does it always have to center around it. It’s not even important.

bemiw
Guest
bemiw

Ashley, the answer to this is simple. Every woman needs to clearly understand the enormous power she has over her man. By meeting his needs, including sexually, you have the power to make him very happy, very settled, very content, loyal, devoted and a privilege to be with. But by denying his needs, you have the power to make him extremely frustrated, unfulfilled, feeling betrayed and used, restless and miserable. But – there is one thing that you *cannot* change. You may have the power to create either one of these two men, *but*, whichever of the two you create… Read more »

katsumii
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katsumii

Good article. I feel terrible. The times my BF and I have *tried* having sex have been progressively getting worse—the last two times (a week apart each) were failures because I wouldn’t open up to him. I’m sure it’s anxiety, but this has to be a big red flag to him. We connect in other ways, but as Renée says sex is important. Especially this last time I feel like a failure, because he’s the one who initiated: Not only could he NOT get me off, but my body completely closed him off. (So, no sex at all in the… Read more »

Ree
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Ree

You’ll find this is far more common than you think. It’s one of those taboo situations that requires a comprimise from both sides. Renee is 100% correct that sex is extremely important to a man. Depriving him of it is a one way ticket to a dead relationship. On the same token, there needs to be some level of understanding that women generally have lower sex drives than men. I believe it’s extremely important to spice things up in a relationship. Sex should never feel like a chore… it should be enjoyable for both. More often than not, it just… Read more »

GreenTara
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GreenTara

Renee, I agree with your approach but disagree with the statement “… the feminist movement which has given women the idea that they shouldn’t prioritize a man’s needs..” Not sure where you got this idea from. Are you saying that men’s needs are more important than women’s? I think it is 50-50. Lots of people like to blame feminism for everything under the sun. In most places in this world, only a man’s needs are considered important and women can be raped and abused without immpunity. Go live in Saudi Arabia or India if you don’t beleive me.

Bemiw
Guest
Bemiw

Sorry Tara, but Renee is right about this, too. The basic tenet of feminism is the same as with every other radical ideology – it starts with installing into it’s followers *the victim mentality*. That is, to say that *all* women are victims in a totally oppressive, male dominated society and that the only option is to fight and to utterly destroy every last trace of masculinity from Western society. The damage that they have done – not only to men but to women also, is huge and may take centuries to repair, if ever. As for Saudi, ask yourself… Read more »

Just a person
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Just a person

I don’t tend to view things in terms of generalized gender roles, I view things as we’re all people, with different view points and we all look different. That being said I’m in my early thirties, and over the past year my partner and I have decreased the amount of sex we have. It started as a healthy 3-4 times a week, I admittedly tried to weasel more but my partner told me flat out that they couldn’t handle that. Knowing this I accepted the physicality limitation and life went on. Over the course of the past year I had… Read more »

Noralee Sprague
Guest
Noralee Sprague

Ok, how about this one. I am a 54 yr. Old female. I work as a stocker. Very tough for me to keep up with the younger more fit youngsters. However, I do it anyways. Why, because my husband refuses to look for work. I could be on my death bed and he would want sex. Look, I love my husband. Yet this man will keep me up all night knowing I have to work at 4 am. I get up at 2am. He has voiced his opinion over and over again. Why do I deny him sex. My answer… Read more »

qeded
Guest
qeded

I appreciate that you are not in the best of positions, and that life is difficult for you. But in reality, if you reverse the roles then you would have just described the situation that very many men are in. You have not said why your husband won’t work, perhaps he can’t, perhaps there is no work for him, perhaps he just prefers to be a house-husband, we have not been told. The issue is, however that, while it is hard on you, you do – at least – have one income in the house, more than many couples have.… Read more »

Aurora Michelina
Guest
Aurora Michelina

This is stupid. Women don’t deny their men of sex. Women love sex.

Maverick
Guest
Maverick

Not all of them. My wife of 8 years has lost her desire for sex. Used to use toys, and have a descent appetite. She has no interest in her vibrator anymore and sex only happens after many days/weeks of begging and then she just lays on her back and basically motions to get it over with. She says she desires nobody and didn’t think was that big of a deal. I love her, but I can’t go without intimacy in life. We will be going to our second counselor shortly. If this doesn’t work, I’d love to be her… Read more »

Gozmuz
Guest
Gozmuz

probably marriage is artificial, it was made up and is not natural.

BKNL
Guest
BKNL

Yes, I have a question.. what about when it is the other way around???

Thejist
Guest
Thejist

They make you hand your nuts over at the door then turn on you when you don’t act like a man cause they have forgotten how to treat a man. They expect men to love them like a woman loves, not like a man would love and then realize they have a sensitive b/tch that has no clue how to get them to collapse when they try to stand when we are done showing our love like the man use to. Its a waste and will actually be the reason for the complete collapse of the western world,,,,,seem extreme? think… Read more »

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