1) The only difference between a friendship and a relationship is intimacy. If you have a sexless marriage or a sexless relationship, what are you? companions? best friends? If a couple doesn’t have much sex, then this generally means they lack passion, and that they could be more in love. There’s no such thing as losing the feeling of being in love. You just lose the ‘state’ of being in love, and you lose polarity/passion with your spouse.  You can be in love and have passionate sex way in to your old age. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

Yes, sex is not the only way to achieve intimacy, but it is one of the main and most important ways to achieve intimacy between a man and a woman. Not making sex a priority can cause your relationship to deteriorate. The passion dies out.

2) Women can go to their girlfriends, a counselor, a guy friend, a mother, father, relative, aunt, to connect and talk to people. Men don’t generally do this.

I’m not saying there aren’t men who DO call their guy friends up for a long chat about their feelings, problems and sex life, but this is not common.

Sex is one of the major and most important ways through which a man gets his needs of connection/love met. Men aren’t just asking for sex because it feels good (although that’s part of it too). (read my article about why men love blowjobs)

If a man loves his woman, he wants to have sex with her because he loves her and wants her to be open to him. This is one of the main ways in which a man expresses his love, and it is one of the major ways in which a woman can show and prove her love for her man (although by no means the ONLY way).

For a lot of men, his woman is the only place he can go to for connection and love. His woman is often the only source he has. Men have many challenges in the world – and it’s important that he has a woman who understands his needs. Of course – understanding a man’s needs is not about just giving him sex. Men have many other needs, too. But the issue of sex is one that many women struggle with.

And, the modern western world has been affected by the feminist movement which has given women the idea that they shouldn’t prioritize a man’s needs, and that includes not wanting to meet his sexual needs regularly. However, the man is still expected to meet her needs!

Your man’s needs are just as important as the needs of your children or the needs of your friends! At the end of it all – your man is the one you’re going to be left with. Children will grow up and leave. Friends will have their own lives. A sexless marriage or a sexless relationship can cause a man to become dejected and resentful, as with every rejection the negative association (with his wife or girlfriend) becomes stronger.

3) Let’s talk about masculine and feminine energy, which relates very, very closely to sex. The masculine energy is about releasing. The feminine energy is about filling up. I’ll say that again. The masculine energy wants to release and the feminine energy wants to fill up.Filling up is also very much about the emotional aspect of things.

The feminine energy has many ways to fill up – shopping, having sex, talking to girlfriends, connecting with pets, talking, listening, and much more. The masculine energy has many ways in which they can release, too – but men don’t generally think the way women do.

Click here to take our popular program Understanding Men.

4) It feeds a man’s needs for love from his woman. I know a lot of women will want to lash out at me for saying this – but if two people are in a relationship, and the woman denies her man of sex, puts the children/career/girlfriends/other family first, then over time, this starts to build up negative associations within the man in relation to the woman, and makes him feel less like a man, less loved, less accepted – and this can (NOT always!) lead to cheating. (read my article about can a man be monogamous?)

Sex with a woman whom he loves fulfills a very deep need for love and acceptance within a man. If you’re not attracted to him enough in order to want to have sex with him, over time, he may start to feel less of a man – more like you don’t accept him as a man and that you’re not attracted to him. This is a painful thing to feel.

This is also one reason why men cheat. A lot of their emotional needs are met through sex!!

In The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It licensed family counselor M. Gary Neuman studied hundreds of men who had cheated on their wives, in order to find out why they did.

His results show clearly that the main reason why men did cheat on their women was for emotional reasons. When asked what led to their cheating, the answers given by the men showed up as follows:

  • 48% – primarily emotional dissatisfaction
  • 32% – equal emotional and sexual dissatisfaction
  • 8% – primarily sexual dissatisfaction

This doesn’t mean women should be pressured in to having sex. Women and men (equally) need to work on creating passion, love and excitement with their spouse so that lack of sex will not be a problem, but rather – lack of free time, space or opportunity for it 😉 – a much healthier problem!!

5) I’ll be as frank as I can.

Never expect to just be loved and adored for who you are without having to put any effort and sweat in to anything. We are all enough – but you can never, ever – expect to have and keep the man of your dreams or to have a passionate lifelong, loving relationship where you’re worshipped and adored by your man for life if you do not give to him. It’s all about the standards you have for yourself.

And, it’s important to remember that women (and men) must give to their spouse in a way that their spouse can receive it! If you just give or express love to them in the way YOU think is best – but the other person doesn’t perceive love in this, then it’s very easy for that relationship to break down.

If you’re always thinking of yourself, and constantly quantifying what you get and give in your relationship (like that terrible, TERRIBLE sayingGive-and-take) you will never have and experience that amazing relationship that everyone dreams of and which everybody wants. (Click here to take the quiz “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

That’s all for now. Do you have any thoughts on this subject? Feel free to share them below. And, if you did like the article, let me know. Also, let me know if you hated it too 🙂

AND – if you want to understand more about men and sex, read my article ‘Why Men Love Blow Jobs‘.


  • kristinhazcats

    Men are too needy

  • Alexine Sarmiento

    Why men always like that, they have no problem about childbearing and they don’t care about woman is pregnant. THAT IS GUYS FAULT!!! (it depends)

  • Michael

    Prior to my marriage, our relationship and the spontaneous sex was incredible. We got married and things went South from there. I was at the age of 54, and no dummy. Something was up! Ultimately, I was a paycheck and she decided It was time to move on and I wasn’t good enough! Four years of weird hell. Counseling was a joke! Oh, I didn’t mention that this was her third marriage. Or, was it her fourth? She was greedy and not trustworthy. For Gods, sake, I thought I was doing the right thing. Now I’m 58, and lonely as hell. She is remarried and life marches on. Being single, for me, is a curse!

  • Luna Camarthan

    A few years ago I was with a man and someone I was very close to died. That evening I was in tears and my boyfriend started getting sexy with me. I was so angry! How could he possibly think I wanted sex at a time like that! A couple of years later his father died and I couldnt understand how he still wanted sex that night. We had a huge row (no, Im not proud of it) and in the heat of that row he said “would it kill you to at least try to make me feel better?! ” And then I understood and that I feel is the crux of the issue. Men generally want sex because it makes them feel good but women need to feel good in order to have sex. And unfortunately, life makes it hard for women to feel good in the way that they need. The answer to many of lifes stresses for men is to have sex but if you are a woman (again, not all women) there are so many stresses that we often just dont feel like sex.
    Any way, once I had this epiphany everything changed. I decided to try it my boyfriends way and not wait until I was feeling great before having sex but trusting that he would be able to help me feel great by having sex. The result? We are now married with 3 children and sometimes I hear the words ‘not now woman youve worn me out’😉

  • thenose

    I worked towards 2 college degrees. A Bachelors and a masters. Still unemployed and angry about it.. My wife and I have been married 30 years. My wife seems to value our relationship on how much money “I” make. since being unemployed, my wife has no longer been giving me sex. Its been 10 months. I can tell you with every fiber of my being I am going to cheat on her. I am sick of this shit. I have become resentful of her denying me sex. Going to bed early, rising, not talking to me all day….. I have read where woman divorce their husbands, and later on very much, really regret their decision. This is one of those times. I REALLY hate it when woman think they can use SEX as a weapon. I have news for ALL you woman who do this….. many of you will find out your man has stepped out….. who’s fault do you think it is going to be when he does? YOURS.

  • Andre Garcia

    This article is so sexist against men… it’s ridiculous… but the part that is the most uncalled for is when it talks about men having no outlet for communication of their feelings, absolutely untrue. And women can go to a ‘guy friend’?! If you are in a committed relationship, take it from me, relieve yourself from any close ‘guy friends’… no man should ever have to feel in competition with another for the love, affection, and time of the woman he loves.

  • Good ol’ Countryboy

    You hit it right on the head. My wife refused to have sex with me for 2 years. Before that we only had sex once every couple of months. I had no connection with my wife emotionally during the 10+ years we had no or almost no sex. I became withdrawn and very resentful. It hurt that I loved my wife so much but felt no love from her. I tried to talk with her about it but she continued give her all to the kids, career, friends etc… There was nothing for me. We were on the verge of divorce. I actually had started looking to find a woman who would appreciate me, and love me. After all, I received no love from my wife. Everyone has a coping mechanism for the stresses of life, and sex was that mechanism for me. This means that I had no way to relieve the pressures of life. This cause the development of high blood pressure. Also the many years of nearly no sex caused me to develope erectile dysfunction. Our relationship is better thanks to my wife listening to a pastor and his wife in marriage counseling. I still can not perform in bed which puts a whole new set of pressures and negative thoughts about my not being able to be a man in bed. The ED medication no longer works so It hurts so much that I can not show my wife how much I love her and be able to express it sexually. It also prevents me from having that same emotional connection we once had. I plead with you to not allow this to happen in your relationship. It is now 4:00am and I am on the couch watching TV, and reading. I can not sleep because this bothers me so much. I get maybe 2-4 hours of sleep, then work an 8 to 14 hour day. This has been going on for a couple of years now. I can’t accept my situation and will not accept it. Because of Obama are I can not afford to see other doctors to pursue other options.

  • Ashley Kinscy

    I’m just not seeing the purpose of giving him what he wants, which in this case it’s sex. Why does it always have to center around it. It’s not even important.

  • katsumii

    Good article.

    I feel terrible. The times my BF and I have *tried* having sex have been progressively getting worse—the last two times (a week apart each) were failures because I wouldn’t open up to him. I’m sure it’s anxiety, but this has to be a big red flag to him. We connect in other ways, but as Renée says sex is important. Especially this last time I feel like a failure, because he’s the one who initiated: Not only could he NOT get me off, but my body completely closed him off. (So, no sex at all in the end.) I don’t know how to just relax. I’m hoping there will be another chance for me to redeem myself as his girlfriend, and prove my love to him and that I can open up to him. Any advice or thoughts?

    Thank you.

    • Ree

      You’ll find this is far more common than you think.

      It’s one of those taboo situations that requires a comprimise from both sides. Renee is 100% correct that sex is extremely important to a man. Depriving him of it is a one way ticket to a dead relationship. On the same token, there needs to be some level of understanding that women generally have lower sex drives than men.

      I believe it’s extremely important to spice things up in a relationship. Sex should never feel like a chore… it should be enjoyable for both. More often than not, it just takes a little bit more effort focusing on the ‘mood’ before sex. This one thing can make all the difference. I highly recommend checking out Michael Webb’s 500 Lovemaking Tips. It’s a really fun read, and talking openly about sex with your partner helps massively. Here’s a link to the guide: 500LoveTips.com

      Hope this helps.

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