This Does NOT Make You ‘Wife Material’

This Does NOT Make You ‘Wife Material’

My assistant Jenny forwarded me this question the other day:

“I met my guy in Feb 2013 from Okcupid. In March 2013 (3weeks later) he asked me to be his girl. In April 2013 he asked me to move in his house. Aug 3, 2013 he broke up with me.- I cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, etc. I am wife material I know that much. Around May he started to back off, but I did not see the signs because I was still on a love high. Questions-
Why would he give up a good women? (he said i am everything he has been looking for)
Was i to available and what exactly does that mean? (he said i was a little clingy but he understood i was in a new area)
Why did he have to lie to get away? (he said he felt bad when he would leave me and go out)
Why does he still want me even though he doesn’t want me?
When he broke up with me – he said he is not ready for a relationship and he is depressed and doesn’t no what he wants.
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS FOR YOU I WOULD LIKE TO CALL YOU AND PICK YOU MIND IVE PRINTED AND READ ALL OF YOU STORIES I DONT NO WHY I WANT HIM BACK – HE WAS GOOD TO ME PLEASE HELP”

Hi Bernadette,

I’ll answer your questions and then give you further illustrations at the end.

“Why would he give up a good woman?”

There’s a few possibilities as to why:

1) He liked you a lot, and genuinely felt you were wonderful, but was too scared to commit (or didn’t have enough reasons to commit). And what you had to offer wasn’t what HE needed in order to overcome his commitment resistance.

2) He told you what you wanted to hear (you’re “everything he ever wanted”), because he knows that we CAN fall for a man’s words, rather than his actions…all so that he could have the convenience of having a girlfriend and regular intimacy until he got sick of it. Even better if you live there and took care of the cleaning and he didn’t have to work that much for the good company and sex.

3) You were his ‘One of Many’ rather than ‘The One.’ My husband David teaches about this very important insight about men in our Commitment Control 2.0.

Click here to register to watch the Commitment Masterclass.

You rather be ‘The One’ than be Wife Material

And on that topic…the truth is that David and I believe that you rather be ‘The One’ and learn how to show up as ‘The One’ than just ‘wife material’…wife material is ok…you can sort of take it as a compliment, but it is like the ‘level down’ from being ‘The One’…because when you’re ‘The One’, the man is madly in love with you…not just ticking off the boxes that say you COULD be good for marriage.

When you are ‘The One’, there’s no choice but to have you be his one and only woman for life…marriage comes easy for you then.

Were you too available and what exactly does that mean?

This is irrelevant. Being too available is not an issue if two people are falling in love (which I don’t believe you both were, from the information I have). Do you ever see two madly in love people counting the minutes and days they spend with each other and obsessing over not being too available?

Or is that more for people who feel like the relationship is not secure, so they resort to fantasising about whether they were too available so they can justify why the relationship didn’t turn out to be what they wanted in their fantasy land?

I don’t believe that being too available is the question. (See my article on being taken for granted)

I believe the better question to ask yourself is this:

“Did I add value to that man’s life? Or was I giving whatever I assumed would be value to him without even questioning if it was High Value in his mind?”

(Click here to take to take the quiz “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

Why did he have to lie to get away?

I’m not sure how he tried to get away or what you mean EXACTLY….

But the answer is because people will lie to get what they want, if they developed any brains at all while they were growing up, most of us have the ability and the ‘smarts’ to do this when we want something.

Dos this mean he had to be so immature about it? No, not at all. What he did was NOT right.

But it is what it is. You have permission to hate him for it.

Why does he still want you even if he doesn’t want you?

Well, you haven’t given many specific information here.

But my answer is because humans are full of contradictions inside. We fear success, but we want it. We want a relationship, but we’re not willing to be vulnerable. We want to lose weight, but it’s much more comfortable to eat instead of exercise whenever we think “I really SHOULD lose some weight”.

What you guys had together sounded too convenient for both of you. He got intimacy and good company. You got good company, intimacy and some hope that you guys might be in a committed marriage or relationship sometime soon.

This is NOT the best way to start off a long term relationship.

It just seems like you both went in to it to take something. More specifically, something that felt convenient at the time. It doesn’t sound passionate or loving at least by the way you’ve described it. That’s a WARNING sign that it’s that kind of relationship where you both just entered with transactions in mind.

Relationships shouldn’t be transactions..think about when you’re in love. When you’re in love you don’t ‘count’ how much you’re getting back or say ‘well if you’re not gonna commit to marriage I’m not gonna commit to regular sex with you’. You only do that when you want each other for something – sometimes people just use each other.

Again, that’s not right or wrong. It is just what it is. People do what they need to do to get by in this life…it’s not always pretty.

You do have a choice though. What I do here is I encourage you to want the best and be High Value. Only THEN do you get to CHOOSE from the best men and not try to settle for men who run away at the slightest mention of responsibility!

As for any further insight in to what else COULD have been happening with you guys based on the little information that I have…here’s what I have to say…

I’ll give you a quick illustration.

You meet a guy.

You date him for 2 months.

You decide not to have sex with him until you’re comfortable.

By the end of the 2 months, you both still haven’t had sex and you break up with him.

He then asks an imaginary mutual friend of the both of you these things:

“Why didn’t she have sex with me?”

“I know I’m hot enough, I make enough money, and have a big enough dick for her to sleep with me, that’s for sure.”

“PLEASE HELP SHE WAS GETTING WARM AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME BUT SHE NEVER DID.”

Think for a moment. What would you say to this man asking this question?

What would you feel, reading his question?

I’m not sure what you would feel about him exactly, but I could take a few wild guesses if I wanted to. Perhaps you’d open your mouth wide in shock thinking how could he just focus on the sex like that?? Didn’t he even CARE about her?

Yes? No? Do you feel what I feel about this hypothetical man’s questions?

Most women would; at least if they read his questions carefully and thought about the questions.

Women would hate this man’s questions because of a few reasons:

1) He’s wins the competition for who is Captain Selfish Today.

2) He makes a bunch of assumptions about the woman (a completely different creature to him).

3) He doesn’t look like he ever had enough compassion towards her.

Back to you, Bernadette…

First of all, I thank you for asking direct and succinct questions. This is great and easy for me to read!

I do have a question for you though…

What makes you think HE felt you were a good woman?

Is it because he invited you to live with him? Is it because he asked you to be his ‘girl’?

There’s a difference between feeling like he has a convenient partner and feeling like he has a good woman.

And then it’s a whole other WORLD to feeling like he has a woman who is ‘wife material’.

It seems all so confusing, doesn’t it? Why did he ask you to be his girl, invite you in to his home, and then randomly disappear?

How frustrating and confusing.

But here’s the funny thing…if I was you, I wouldn’t feel so upset about this. Why? Because if I was you, I’d see that you were playing the exact same game as he is. You were both playing the game of ‘what can I TAKE from this person?’

He told you nice things to your ears, invited you in, and all these things seem like a commitment, is that right?

Well maybe he was at one stage being somewhat committed. Maybe. But here’s the thing about men…

The smart ones (most of them are reasonably smart when it comes to giving up their precious time, money, and single status)…they suddenly become VERY cautious. VERY scared.

Did you care about him?

I’m not sure if I believe that you cared THAT much.

You say: “please help he was good to me

I’m assuming you mean….”he seemed close to committing to a relationship with me and giving up everything he ever knew to be with me. OMG what happened to that? I wanted his commitment? I thought I was worthy of his commitment?!”

Well…were you good to him?

Do you think washing the dishes and cleaning is being good to him?

And by being ‘good’, I really mean:

Did HE perceive VALUE in what you were doing for him?

It’s an interesting question worth asking yourself.

After all, aren’t these questions you would like a man to ask himself about YOU? Wouldn’t that be nice?

It’s a much braver question to ask yourself than “why did he give ME such and such” (or a few different variations of the same question).

And doing the cleaning and washing doesn’t make you wife material.

A few things that make you wife material is how much light and dark feminine energy you show up with. Whether you are both of these energies across the spectrum.

What matters is whether YOU have the kind of feminine energy he would commit to.

Sure, cooking and cleaning might give a woman a few more points in a man’s mind. But the men who are the most sensitive to their wife’s needs and the most in love and the most in tune with their wife MIGHT even wish she didn’t do it and rather he paid a cleaner to do it for them. Why? Because a woman is more free when she doesn’t feel like she constantly MUST clean.

It’s fine if she’s happy cleaning and cooking. But it’s when it all gets too stressful that you can’t be feminine (instead, you’re more uptight and rigid and angry about the dirt and dust and the lack of ready made meals)…that men tend to see that perhaps you’d be better having it done for you.

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  • glory

    hey Renee, as I see this is your newes article, so I’m asking you here…you have great advices and I found it very very helpful to me!
    so what do you think about writing one post about importance of ELOQUENCE and becoming more eloquent women? My self-esteem and self-confidence is very low ’cause I know so little facts and have pretty small number of topics I can talk about…and reason is my bad memory…I can’t remember anything!

    SO…how much is that important to men? I guess a LOT…what do you think, how can I compensate that, whith which qualities?

    P.S I looove your site and your article is great as always!

    P.P.S sorry for bad english, i’m not American. 🙂

    • francesanne

      Dearest Glory;

      Men DO NOT count eloquence as something that draws a woman the ‘facts’ or ‘figures’. Facts and figures is what men talk to each other about. What you don’t seem to realize is that your lack of being able to talk about alot of different subjects in substantance terms is an advantge to you because what you have instead is charming and endearing.

      What men are drawn to are your feminine qualities–your softness, your feelings, your innocence. THAT is where your elequence serves you. Your ability to flirt, to openly and verbally show love, to compliment when it’s honest and as Renee says all of the time to be OPEN. Feminine energy is being able to RECEIVE from a man graciously what he is willing to give.

      One of my favorite movies of all time is “Memoirs of a Geisha”. If you have the opportunity to watch it, please do.

      It is FILLED with verbiage that will give you some examples of how to draw a man to you without concrete knowledge on any subject. For example, if a particular subject such as football is important to a man you might say to him. ‘I don’t know much about football, but if you’ll teach me, I’ll learn.’

      That shows your man that you have an interst in a passion of his, it gives him an opportunity to be the wiser of the two of you and to pass on his experience through HIS eyes to a ‘wide eyed’ and ‘receptive’ woman.

      Had you gone out and learned the entire sport on your own and ‘sparred’ with him on facts and figures, you would be competing with him with masculine or man-to-man energy even though you are genetically a woman.

      Are you stuck at a dinner party with ‘nothing to talk about’? Ask a man you’re standing with or seated with about his favorite charity…or ask a man to re-explain something.

      There are a million ways to be in a conversation without being the shining star of knowledge and still be an excellent conversationalist–by LISTENING.

      Men don’t need or for that matter even want a woman who’s equally bright. I have had men tell me that they LIKE being the smarter of the two of them.

      I’ve even been on mostly male attended websites that have threads hundreds of pages long where men write in under the topic of ‘STUPID THINGS MY GIRLFREIND HAS SAID’. What’s the important part of this? GIRLFRIEND. None of these men have left these women–they found them to be a source of humor to be shared with other men–because it is a global experiece for all men. A woman could CHOOSE to be insulted over their guy having a giggle over something they were sure was ‘correct’ and ‘cogent’…men don’t see it that way.

      The giving of your time, presence and attention is all that a man needs in any conversation.

      • Anais

        ^While I agree men don’t fall in love with you because of your smarts and knowledge of “facts and figures”, it does help to be passionate and know about something. Glory,I recommend finding a hobby that you enjoy. It doesn’t have to be something HE enjoys but it should fill you up. It all begins with the emotional attraction but most men these days want to be able to connect emotionally ,spiritually physically and mentally.

        I don’t believe the school of thought you have to be into a “feminine” hobby or that if you have one common interest you can discuss, it will just create competition. I think that would be an issue if your relationship is *primarily* based on chatting up about football or whatnot. But there’s nothing wrong with being multidimensional. I know many women in relationships with good masculine men and aren’t into only traditionally feminine things. As long as you carry yourself as a lady and embrace your feminine energy, it doesn’t matter if you enjoy football or knitting.

  • dora

    Oh… with a man like that, i guess i would be gone the very moment he said he wants me out.. Not a minute later!!!

  • Brande P

    Hey Guy- I am the one who wrote the letter!

    WOW- I am speechless, the article and the comments gave me the insight I needed. I have been battling this for 8 years now. I lose identity In a relationship and my life becomes his life. The reason is because I move to where the guy lives. My previous ex was from Virginia- I moved there. Once we broke up, I met this guy and moved to another city in Virginia. I constantly keep starting over. This is my cycle/pattern.
    When i listen to a guy, I try to give him what he has never had before- a loving girl. I come from a loving family, But I never make them work for it. I realized with this failed relationship that men need to earn a womens love and respect. Also I am to giving. I did the cooking and cleaning to show him i am willing to help take care of things, not to recieve anything back. but men sometimes take that as she is moving to fast.
    To add to the story- on wed Sept 18 he came home drunk after he had a fight with his cousin and told me “I NEED YOU OUT IN 30DAYS, FOR YOUR SAFETY BECAUSE I DONT NO WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN, IM SORRY I KNOW I TOLD SAID YOU COULD STAY TIL DEC 1 BUT I NEED MY SPACE/HOUSE BACK”(never looked me in my eyes) – He left the house that night to stay with the new girl he is talking too (but he said he is not ready for a relationship???). I went in his room to get my TV and i saw eviction papers so i text him- “i wanted to tell you that i found a place, but there was so much going on. So eviction papers are not needed, hope your safe” – he never responsed (in the beginning of the break up he was kind. But 3weeks ago he called me a Mother-FER. I never was mean or messed up his things,(why would he feel the need to be mean?) but i did start to go out and stop coming home. He always says one thing but does another (ex- you can stay as long as you need/ you have until dec 1st/ then trying to evict me?????????)
    Mr. X (i will call him) is battling his own issuses w/ alcohol, porn, self esteem and family issues. He is 31 no kids and a great job. He drinks when ever he is off work (4 on/ 4 off), loves porn and craigslist women 4 men, he is a bigger guy but is still nice looking- he told me that in high school he had sex with a female and she spread the word that he was good so it was easy to get girls after that.
    Adding value to a relationship is great- but-when does a man realize he needs to ad value too?

    • francesanne

      Brande:

      The first thing that you need to realize is that this man is an alcoholic. That’s who he’s having a relationship with; not you. All male alcoholics are feminine energy. All female alcoholics are male energy. This man is incapable of GIVING to you as masculine energy because his is RECEIVING from you–which is feminine. That made you the masculine energy in this relationship–protecting and providing. That may be hard for you to swallow; but sit with it for a while and you’ll realize it is the hard truth.

      You served him for as long as he want to take from you. As soon as he had had enough ‘taking’ you were no longer necessary in his life and he is moving on at some point with someone else he can take from until he gets clean and sober.

      It is the same currency exchange for him with porno and hook ups for him. (Giving sex is still giving;) getting it as cheaply (meaning without the cost of a real commitment)as possible is a good deal for a man; not so much for a woman….

      As Renee said, what you offered to him was of low value–meaning he could get the ‘services’ you offered easily–and cheaply– (meaning just for asking) elsewhere.

      Higher value is in understanding your own currency; in other words, for you to move ANYWHERE, to make it convenient for a man to have your company, you need to receive something of equal or greater value in return–like at a minimum, an engagement ring. YOUR COST is the value that you place on yourself.

      Why on earth would you change your life or living arrangements to make having you near easy for him? Granted, if your HUSBAND was transferred for work and you had to go, of course you would drop everything and move but for a boyfriend? Nope.

      I know that I write alot about family, but let me give you an example of a man willing to do anything to date the right woman. When we were in our early twenties my cousin had a boyfriend who’s family moved from NJ to Florida. That’s about a 20-24 hour car ride. EVERY Friday he would drive from Florida back to NJ to spend 2 days with my cousin and then drive back home to Florida.

      Eventually, she married someone else but THAT is what it looks like when a man is motivated to be with a woman. If your guy wanted you near to him, he could have found and paid for an apartment for you–no eviction notices–and the PAIN- of that eviction notice would never forth coming. You could have protected yourself from that pain. He could have paid for an apartment nearer to you for HIM to move to. Think of it as calorie conservation on his end. He did the LEAST he had to do to have what he wanted–and that was what you willing GAVE (for the POSSIBILITY of a long term relationship). This to me is an equivelant of a crappy contract. Would you contract with your boss that you would work for him free for six months and MAYBE at the end of that time, if your boss was happy with your work, maybe he’d pay you? Of course not. You get choose the terms the contract that you’re happy with negotiated up front…understand?

      Raise the bar on what’s in it for you. Raise the bar on what it would COST a man to have you in a live-in situation again…THAT’S being a high value woman.

      • brande

        – fracesanne, I am working on learning myself and how to think about me first. My mom is a therapist and she said the same about mr.x addictions. Thank you for your reply, I need the straight truth. Oh, I have learned my lesson!. I realized I expect more from others and less from myself. Also I am taking the time to learn me, because ive always been in a relationship- learning the other person. Its all coming together. TIME AND PATIENTS! THANK YOU this really helped

  • Anais

    Men who move too fast often lose interest especially when the woman don’t slow them down a bit. The whole thing just seems too fast.. 3 weeks and she’s “his girl”? TWO MONTHS later and she moves in? Personally I wouldn’t move in with a man unless he was my fiance or husband, but even so two months is a really short time to be dating before agreeing to play house. A real relationship and commitment usually need more time than that to develop. Sounds like they were both rather infatuated with each other but there was no real connection.

    As for her being “too available” while I don’t believe in “playing hard to get”, I do believe in a woman simply BEING hard to get and having her own boundaries; it shows that the woman values herself. And men appreciate feeling like they earned a woman’s love and being challenged. So men do appear to value a woman more when she doesn’t go along with whatever just because he asked.

    So for example, if you typically wouldn’t move in with a guy and act like his wife just after 2 months of knowing him, don’t make a guy an exception just because you are crazy about him. Otherwise you are being inauthentic in a sense, as you are compromising your boundaries. You are letting your feelings for him overrule your feelings for yourself.

  • Fab

    The same story happened to me!! I met a guy online, a couple of months later he asked me to move in and I wanted to show how grateful I was by cooking and cleaning, etc. He pulled away and broke up with me! I asked him why, he said that I acted like a wife too soon. What I understood was that I wasn’t the attractive, independent, strong woman anymore. I made him my life! So I asked him for sometime to find a new place to move out, and changed my behaviour! I stopped cleaning and cooking, started going out with friends,and started a new project.. He also told me before that he felt guilty going out with his friends and leaving me alone, so that changed when I was the one going out. I stopped doing things to please him and get his approval, to do them for myself and instead I got his admiration! It has been a year now, and we still live together. He’s not going out as before, and whenever he wants me to cook, he asks me nicely. And I always get rewarded for it, because now he sees that I am not a doormat, I am a goddess! 😉

    In my opinion he saw potential in you but wasn’t yet in love with you when you guys moved in. Being too available was not the problem, but lacking a spark was! You should never lose your identity and dreams because of a relationship! Maybe you felt too comfortable with the idea that you guys moved in together and stopped focusing on yourself as an individual. I hope it helps.

  • Hello Renne & All the Team,
    I Love reading almost everything in here. It’s really Inspiring!
    Bernadette asks
    “Why did he have to LIE to get away? (he said he felt bad when he would leave me and go out)”
    Well in this point i guess (from the data we have – not much) that he did not lie Just to get what he wanted. I see it from a different angle.
    I feel like he was AFRAID of being himself around you, Bernadette.
    I feel like this is the Crucial Point. He was AFRAID to be himself – probably because you would nag, even with your face, without saying a thing to him, he would feel you did not approve his behavior.
    I guess that a Man wants to feel like a Man. If you let him BE what he IS, then… here we are!

  • Peter

    I must say that as a guy I disagree with a lot of the discussion on this topic including the author.

    What value did the women bring to the relationship – other than some minor chores and sex.

    What value did she place in herself? I never heard anything about her, only about him.

    What did she do to make her life better and more fulfilling? once again only about him.

    If all she brings to the table is some chores and sex, she shows no value in herself and she makes no effort to grow and have a independant fullfilling life.

    How can you expect a man to want to stay with her. You have to fix your life first than a man will want to stay, he doesn’t not want to be your father or counsellor.

    He wants you to be his equal so that together you are stronger than either are individually.

    • chanel

      peter, everything you are saying is pretty much what Renee is saying

      • Mona

        I agree with you Chanelq

    • Serena

      I think you should consider re-reading this article 🙂

    • Yeah. Peter perhaps you should re-read the article even though I agree with you that- does seem kinda one sided.

      All my points I was going to make, were invariably contained in this article but I will add some points in my own that could possible help people, I do sympathize with her plight. It could be emotionally devastating for her:

      1) Moving in with someone in the most huge step! In the relationship major decisions like these usually take a lot of reconsidering. In your shoes, obviously you were willing to go above and beyond which is great! But I would warn you to move slower, I presume you didn’t really need to move in with him and also other than cooking, cleaning, (which are essentially major compliments to a person) what else were you doing? In this time did he ever:

      Ask you to wash his clothes, cook dinner for him?

      Secondly, Were you distracted with housework that the outside world seem to cease for you? If so, that is a major flaw. Contrary to common belief not every man want-That! I mean does want a mom for a girlfriend, is he looking to get married with you… Probably not. An older man may be looking for those specific traits.

      Sorry to put it bluntly but if you wish to be the perfect housewife, find the right man first. (With a young man in mind, such as myself) Nothing is more sexually attractive than a woman who is motivated or dedicated to something other than the relationship itself-!!! This is what you may be lacking, your life shouldn’t STOP where a relationship begins, if a ship sinks its best you know to remember how to swim!

      Great Blog BTW, keep up the stuff

      -Oscar

      • Mona

        “Nothing is more sexually attractive than a woman who is motivated or dedicated to something other than the relationship itself.”
        I was aware of that concept before, but it’s great to have it all summed up in one sentence, thanks!

      • Naara

        Wow!!! You have touched some pretty common mistakes we women assume. You see from a ladies point of view, sometimes when really in love you may be tempted to want to give up your whole life for the guy, I can just imagine how scary that is for a young man especially due to the huge responsibility that comes with it.

  • Eren

    Hi Renee,
    No, I don’t believe he loved her. I believe that he was intrigued in the beginning. He may have loved what she had to offer him. But unfortunately she made it too easy for him. She didn’t give him the opportunity to work for it. I hate to say it was her fault why he didn’t fall in love with her. But it kind of is. Not that I think it’s right. We just can’t change the way a man thinks. Unfortunately they like a chase. A man can’t resist a woman that beats him at his own game. I personally am not a fan of the game. I wonder if when two people meet their forever partner, do they play these games? Is that how you know he’s the one? I’d love to know
    Thanks,
    Eren

  • francessanne

    This girl hasn’t learned the difference between acting like a wife and actually being one. What she PERCEIVES as being value to him (cooking, cleaning and having sex)and what he needs his wife to be are two very different needs.

    I do believe that she was ‘too available’. Men NEED competition in their lives–including needing to compete for a woman’s hand in marriage. Had she not moved in and acted like more like the maid than a woman worthy of HIS choice to give up his bachelorhood and take on the responsiblity of a wife and children, his choice to cherish and care for her as HIS woman might have come to the fore. A woman either inspires that response in a man or doesn’t. In America a short hundred years ago one women in five had full time domestic help. Men did what they needed to to hire the help–(be it domestic or sexual) they needed. There is a vast difference between being a woman and being a lady; there is a vast difference between being the woman who lives with him and being his wife.

    • i must say as a guy. I think you know exactly what your talking about francessanne. “you be knowin”

      • francesanne

        Thank you so much for saying so! It’s taken a lot of soul searching to realize that women of older generation really had it right when it came to understanding men and the role they needed to bring to the table in order to have a successful relationship. Our mothers either didn’t have the time or inclination to teach us how to be complimentary to a man’s needs and wants. They unwittingly taught us that we can have it all if ‘we go for it’ but didn’t teach us that ‘the go-for-it boundary’ stopped at a relationship. It’s ALWAYS a man’s choice, but a woman’s perogative to say yes or no to what he offers, what feels good and to what makes her happy. The girl in the article should have left his house (read that as not her home) when he began telling her by his actions that he wasn’t as deeply involved in this relationship as she was and that neither one of them was happy.

        Perhaps I’ve been lucky in that I have two brothers; (both single) that have taught me ‘what’s really going on in a man’s head when he says one thing and does another’. One told me to never believe what a guy TELLS you. The other had a girlfriend who drove him crazy to buy her an engagement ring until he finally did BUT this is the way he explained his actions to me…that he bought her a pacifer. She’s a whiney little baby so he bought the ring to ‘shut her up’. He has no intentions of EVER marrying her; this was a financial decision for him. He said to me she cooks for me, she cleans for me and she sleeps with me. If I had to hire someone to do that, it would cost me more. Big deal so I spent five thousand dollars on a ring…Pay attention ladies–an engagement ring means ‘maybe I’ll commit to you’ to a man. A wedding ring means that he did. Again, that’s the difference between being a girlfriend and a wife.

        I’m not saying that I haven’t had my share of heart-ache. Like all of us, have been knocked about and had enough ‘romantic trauma’ to never want to be placed in that position again. What most women don’t realize is that it’s their own actions or culpability that cause their pain. I don’t agree with a previous poster that she has a right to hate the man she doesn’t. She was responsible for her own actions; in fact she should be grateful for the lesson that she learned.

        • Thanks for your comment francesanne. Very interesting story about the ‘Pacifier’ – I have an article on this and how to have a man propose without falling in to the ‘pacifier’ trap and looking low value: http://www.thefemininewoman.com/2013/06/get-him-to-propose/

          • brande peoples

            Hey renee, about “that doesnt make you wife material” i left a comment please tell me what you think. i am the one who wrote the letter

          • francessanne

            Thank you Renee for the link–VERY good article. And by the way, your little one has looks like he has your coloring but he’s definately daddy’s little boy! Future MMA superstar?

        • Mona

          I don’t think women of past generations knew better about men and relationships, I think they often stayed together for economic reasons and because divorce was frowned upon, to put it mildly. Sure people fell in love then just as they did these days, but the opportunity to actually marry them was a luxury, while today romantic love is the main reason why people want to get married. Today’s economy and society encourages to split up as soon as the relationship isn’t 100% perfect anymore, so information like this page is needed to help to encourage long term relationships.

          • Mona

            *as they DO these days*

  • cns

    This reminds of the old saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” I feel bad for young ladies who fall for this trick. Most men will try this just to get home cooked meals, a clean house and sex at will but ladies have got to learn not to fall for this. I think that women are afraid that if they decline his offer of “shacking up” the guy will breakup with them. Well in a lot of cases the guy will break up with you either way. So do you want to get dump before or after. If a man is madly in love with you him will not only respect your boundaries but will honor you more because of them. I say don’t do any wifely duties until you are a legalized wife with ring and ceremony. LOL.

  • Dakota

    Does this have anything to do with Khloe and Lamar??? Am wondering bc I was thinking about this today..doing everything for your man is NOT a guarantee for a happy relationship.

  • elisha street

    I’ve never felt so free as when I became (not a wife) I would much rather be a concubine than a wife! It is very stress full, I was a wife for 25 yrs. I would never consider moving in with ( one of my guys) even if I could.( there all married)married men love me! They all say wish my wife could be like you…your so free! There is something very binding about becoming a wife..it is a freedom issue ..they don’t have me ( an know they never will) so they want me ..I know that the minute I would ,move in with one of them it would all be over… Its funny tho I’ve never been approached by a single man …ever.my ex we were together since we were 17 his parents pushed him to me..but its a story for another time ..but this guy in the story sounds a lot like my ex ..he told me the only reason the married me was so know one else cold have me an his parents made em! Nice huh? We went out for 5 years then got married at 22 when there were no more excuces not to..anyway 25 yes an 2 sons later he turns out gay an leaves the marriage…anyway as to single men ..I’ve yet to be approached by a single man an asked out on a date..haven’t figured it out ..yet..but married men do love me an treat me great ..I’m happy with my lifestyle …so far..maybe someday I will want to get married but now no…I’m enjoying my freedom as a single concubine…

    • Maya Pinyon

      But when you are old, less attractive and no man wants your slutty self, then what?

  • Chanel

    Renee, thank you for keeping it real with your articles. Everytime I find myself falling victim to old relationship fears, I come to your website to set my head right again. A few years ago I could have easily been the girl who wrote this email, but because of you, I have seriously turned my dating life around and would never fall victim to this type of situation again.

    Right now I am going through a few bumps in the road with my man, mainly because I think he has hit that point in our relationship where he needs to think about if he really wants to follow through with the promises/hints he has made. I know I am showing up as a high value kind of girl, I respect myself, I respect him, give him my happy girly energy and appreciation, and he loves it. I can tell it is throwing him for a loop and that he is just not used to this type of thing. It’s kind of cute to watch him fall “victim” to my feminine energy…haha.

    Although he’s been silent for a few days and it hurts, I know there is nothing I can really do except tell him how sad/hurt I am in my words and actions, and let him work it out.

  • jmc

    she really didn’t give him an opportunity to miss her! Or all the things she was doing.

  • Allie

    Thanks, Renee, for this article! This was very helpful and timely. Than you for helping me think outside the box. I’m really glad I found your website, this is rare and so good 🙂

  • Holly

    Hello dear Renee 😀

    I hope that your doing well within yourself 🙂

    Please Say hello to Jenni for me :-), she’s lovely and helped me out at a major crisis time in my life. She replied to an email of mine whilst you were on maternity leave.

    At the time I was in the process of receiveing psychological help from a psychologist but couldn’t cope with the whole thing and she helped me out right at the time I needed it most, so thankyou once again to Jenny.

    On a positive note, my psychology sessions have just ended this week and I feel so relieved that it’s all over :-), plus I’m in the best place in my mind, I feel on top of the world for some moments of my time.

    The song break my stride by Mathew wilder just sprang to mind…..”ain’t nothing going to break my stride I’ve got to keep on moving.

    Back to the article written, I would say that due to my past relationship I use to call myself an anti marriage phobic which is understandable given the circumstances.

    I’ve had some men use that word to me and I just thought, whatever, save it for someone who’s more interested in listening to your sweet talk than focusing on reality.

    Sure I know my ex wanted to be with me forever as I was the love of his life and a man I met at the start of the year said that we would have but I told him I don’t believe in marriage as I don’t want anyone to believe that I would be a sucker over the use of one word.

    Then you say the one and then I think that z more like it. A someone anyway as soul mates/the one theory is just a myth.

    The reality is that love is nothing more than a love map/blue print in people’s mind. Many people can meet that criteria providing they meet enough of the percentage in that persons mind.

    At least this is how I like to focus on meeting someone in the future as we own nothing and no one so I think that I never know what direction my life path will take.

    I can still be happy and meet someone of that one criteria, it’s just that I’d never call somebody my one and only for few reasons really.

    As for this situation written, firstly we teach others how to treat us so if something is going wrong then it’s only our responsibility to do something about it.

    Also with men, I think if some can get an easy ride then they will, just for convinients sake and just to fill the gap. I even read once that men give women time limits in their mind and that they already know how long they will be with a woman.

    I’d be willing to bet that some are in it for the fun/let’s see how much entertainment I can get out of the situation before I get board.

    Basically, I think that women need to ask themselves, is he good enough for me, can he meet my criteria because if so then maybe he might just win me over.

    Maybe some women are too focused on how they can win a man round but then what’s that’s motive for? ? ?

    Because it has now dawned on me that people do things for selfish reasons and I feel so confident of that as I bet evolution/the lizard brain way of thinking is to save one’s self ect. Case in point, we have to be selfish to survive, it’s a two way package.

    Funnily enough, I was watching a program recently this year, it’s called the million air match maker by a woman called paddy.

    Anyway, whilst I was watching that program, some of the man would do big, fancy, elaborate gestures for the women.

    One that springs to mind was a man that hired out a whole Safari for a woman. She was so blown over and said that nobody had ever done anything so nice for her before.

    That’s when I thought No, in a way that I’d say to my daughter if she was about to do something wrong.

    It’s no because, weather the man realized it or not, he was doing it for himself. He was doing it to make himself look good to impress the woman to get what he wanted, so their for the grounds of the foundations were for selfish reasons because it was all about himself and his ego, year I’m sure that it’s just a fact of life.

    The point of my opinion is that all people should tell themselves, I’m a priceless gift, I’m all that I have, theirs only ever going to be one of me, so I must take great care to look after myself and put number 1 first when the situation calls for it.

    And sadly she did have sex with him very quickly.

    Woman defently need to keep their options open too as you never know what round the corner or what will happen tomorrow in life, and more so to the point, their could always be a better match 🙂

    On a final note, I’d like to add that a car drove by me the other day and it was too men. They stopped to talk to me and wanted my number.

    I should have just said no, but then I told myself, why not meet new people, if only just sochoalize a little more.

    Then just before making my way home, a man I spoke to once whilst passing by my local pub, drove past me a smiled. Then just as I entered my street, he was their in his car and started speaking to me as I walked down the path.

    Basically he was saying how he wanted to meet up ect, so I swapped numbers with him too for the same reason.

    I’m going to have to make it clear though that I’m NOT looking to be tied down and even if I did then I’d join a few dating websites to maximize my chances of meeting a good criteria match. But that’s just my opinion to shop around :-).

    However, in the mean time, it might not be a bad thing to meet new people to practice mixing with people as my life has felt sercluded for some time now.

    As for men, I feel that I size them up really quickly, which I know is human nature anyway, but what I mean is that I can say yes or no to a person in my own mind and then nothing changes after that.

    I think you can just tell weather someone is relationship material by the vibe they give off, or at least it’s that way in my life. 🙂

    • Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

      “I thought No, in a way that I’d say to my daughter if she was about to do something wrong.”

      Can you clarify what you meant by this a bit more? I don’t get the connection between what the man did for the woman in that show, and a relationship to your daughter? A romantic relationship is a totally different way of relating than parent-child.

      Maybe I’m just reading this wrong?

  • Holly

    Hello dear Renee 😀

    I hope that your doing well within yourself 🙂

    Please Say hello to Jenni for me :-), she’s lovely and helped me out at a major crisis time in my life. She replied to an email of mine whilst you were on maternity leave.

    At the time I was in the process of receiveing psychological help from a psychologist but couldn’t cope with the whole thing and she helped me out right at the time I needed it most, so thankyou once again to Jenny.

    On a positive note, my psychology sessions have just ended this week and I feel so relieved that it’s all over :-), plus I’m in the best place in my mind, I feel on top of the world for some moments of my time.

    The song break my stride by Mathew wilder just sprang to mind…..”ain’t nothing going to break my stride I’ve got to keep on moving.

    Back to the article written, I would say that due to my past relationship I use to call myself an anti marriage phobic which is understandable given the circumstances.

    I’ve had some men use that word to me and I just thought, whatever, save it for someone who’s more interested in listening to your sweet talk than focusing on reality.

    Sure I know my ex wanted to be with me forever as I was the love of his life and a man I met at the start of the year said that we would have but I told him I don’t believe in marriage as I don’t want anyone to believe that I would be a sucker over the use of one word.

    Then you say the one and then I think that’s more like it :-). A

    • Holly

      Oh dear, this is the problem with touch scream phones. Oh no sorry I meant touch screen but it’s enough to make me scream when it does its own thing.

      I must of acidently sent what I hadn’t finished writing.

  • Serena

    Oh man, I feel so bad for her 🙁
    You know Renee, this situation is VERY common among women, like, I’ve seen this SO many times in my life that reading this felt like a zillion flashbacks of the stories of some girls I know.

    I get the feeling that most women think they have to do stuff like, cooking, cleaning and having sex with the man for him to love her. I don’t blame them though, this is the message society gives to us. 🙁

    To answer your question, I don’t think this man was really in love with her. My boyfriend once told me that a guy can just date a girl and it means almost nothing to him since he “has nothing to lose” and it’s just some sort of experiment. He just wants to see where it goes (That is SO HARSH!). I understand the logic behind it and there’s definitely a practical side to it. And I think that’s what this man did with Bernadette.

    It’s clear that he wanted to know how much he could get out of her and see if she could actually turn out to be High Value. After a while, he saw that he COULD get stuff from her but he couldn’t get a High Value woman, and so he dumped her, looking to find someone better (that’s my theory anyway).

    Also, I think that a man who’s in love with a woman would want to do stuff to keep her happy instead of letting her do all of his stuff. 🙂 That’s what my boyfriend does for me, I can be cooking and if he knows I’m tired, he’ll kiss me and help me 🙂 Hehe 😛

    Anyway, sorry for this LONG comment 😛

    You and your beautiful family take care 🙂

    • Chanel

      In my experience, a “real man” won’t want you to break your neck to please him anyway. He knows that when you are happy and not stressed out, it only makes things better for him because it frees up more of your positive feminine energy to give him.

      I don’t know about you guys but vaccuming and dishes does not make me feel womanly. lol

      • Serena

        I REALLY agree with you, And lol doing chores doesn’t exactly make me feel like a beautiful feminine woman either :p

    • June from Maine USA

      I think you’re right, Serena….Men want to do things so “their woman” can be happy. Heartfelt.. So simple. Kudos ( I never use that word ) for your boyfriend!!! I wish you and he well!

      • Serena

        Thank you 🙂

    • Nia

      I totally agree! Guys will hang around if a girl does all of those things, but it won’t make you special. It seems like the guys in my family end up with the ones who don’t do that stuff for them. I think we as women think that is important, but guys don’t want a maid or a mom, they want a woman.

  • Neferyuya

    Hi, Rene,

    Great article.

    I think if she got your Understanding Men Program
    she’d have a real eye opening experience, or it would
    put her back in touch with things that she knows but does
    not apply to herself. That’s the case sometimes.

    I still have the same people in my life to this
    day, in the same roles too, everything is steady and growing, no crazy ups and downs. I think you have a key role in that.
    Your work helps in many different areas of life I find – bonus.

    I feel she’d be happy with one of your programs – I hope she
    can spare the money because I think she’d love
    Understanding Men especially.

    XOX to you, David and baby.

  • Cami

    hmmm…very good questions and point of view…as usual…the hardest think to admit is that i might add some value to my man’s life in 13 years, but not enough for him to commit 🙁