My assistant Jenny forwarded me this question the other day:

“I met my guy in Feb 2013 from Okcupid. In March 2013 (3weeks later) he asked me to be his girl. In April 2013 he asked me to move in his house. Aug 3, 2013 he broke up with me.- I cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, etc. I am wife material I know that much. Around May he started to back off, but I did not see the signs because I was still on a love high. Questions-
Why would he give up a good women? (he said i am everything he has been looking for)
Was i to available and what exactly does that mean? (he said i was a little clingy but he understood i was in a new area)
Why did he have to lie to get away? (he said he felt bad when he would leave me and go out)
Why does he still want me even though he doesn’t want me?
When he broke up with me – he said he is not ready for a relationship and he is depressed and doesn’t no what he wants.

Hi Bernadette,

I’ll answer your questions and then give you further illustrations at the end.

“Why would he give up a good woman?”

There’s a few possibilities as to why:

1) He liked you a lot, and genuinely felt you were wonderful, but was too scared to commit (or didn’t have enough reasons to commit). And what you had to offer wasn’t what HE needed in order to overcome his commitment resistance.

2) He told you what you wanted to hear (you’re “everything he ever wanted”), because he knows that we CAN fall for a man’s words, rather than his actions…all so that he could have the convenience of having a girlfriend and regular intimacy until he got sick of it. Even better if you live there and took care of the cleaning and he didn’t have to work that much for the good company and sex.

3) You were his ‘One of Many’ rather than ‘The One.’ My husband David teaches about this very important insight about men in our Commitment Control 2.0.

Click here to register to watch the Commitment Masterclass.

You rather be ‘The One’ than be Wife Material

And on that topic…the truth is that David and I believe that you rather be ‘The One’ and learn how to show up as ‘The One’ than just ‘wife material’…wife material is ok…you can sort of take it as a compliment, but it is like the ‘level down’ from being ‘The One’…because when you’re ‘The One’, the man is madly in love with you…not just ticking off the boxes that say you COULD be good for marriage.

When you are ‘The One’, there’s no choice but to have you be his one and only woman for life…marriage comes easy for you then.

Were you too available and what exactly does that mean?

This is irrelevant. Being too available is not an issue if two people are falling in love (which I don’t believe you both were, from the information I have). Do you ever see two madly in love people counting the minutes and days they spend with each other and obsessing over not being too available?

Or is that more for people who feel like the relationship is not secure, so they resort to fantasising about whether they were too available so they can justify why the relationship didn’t turn out to be what they wanted in their fantasy land?

I don’t believe that being too available is the question. (See my article on being taken for granted)

I believe the better question to ask yourself is this:

“Did I add value to that man’s life? Or was I giving whatever I assumed would be value to him without even questioning if it was High Value in his mind?”

(Click here to take to take the quiz “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

Why did he have to lie to get away?

I’m not sure how he tried to get away or what you mean EXACTLY….

But the answer is because people will lie to get what they want, if they developed any brains at all while they were growing up, most of us have the ability and the ‘smarts’ to do this when we want something.

Dos this mean he had to be so immature about it? No, not at all. What he did was NOT right.

But it is what it is. You have permission to hate him for it.

Why does he still want you even if he doesn’t want you?

Well, you haven’t given many specific information here.

But my answer is because humans are full of contradictions inside. We fear success, but we want it. We want a relationship, but we’re not willing to be vulnerable. We want to lose weight, but it’s much more comfortable to eat instead of exercise whenever we think “I really SHOULD lose some weight”.

What you guys had together sounded too convenient for both of you. He got intimacy and good company. You got good company, intimacy and some hope that you guys might be in a committed marriage or relationship sometime soon.

This is NOT the best way to start off a long term relationship.

It just seems like you both went in to it to take something. More specifically, something that felt convenient at the time. It doesn’t sound passionate or loving at least by the way you’ve described it. That’s a WARNING sign that it’s that kind of relationship where you both just entered with transactions in mind.

Relationships shouldn’t be transactions..think about when you’re in love. When you’re in love you don’t ‘count’ how much you’re getting back or say ‘well if you’re not gonna commit to marriage I’m not gonna commit to regular sex with you’. You only do that when you want each other for something – sometimes people just use each other.

Again, that’s not right or wrong. It is just what it is. People do what they need to do to get by in this life…it’s not always pretty.

You do have a choice though. What I do here is I encourage you to want the best and be High Value. Only THEN do you get to CHOOSE from the best men and not try to settle for men who run away at the slightest mention of responsibility!

As for any further insight in to what else COULD have been happening with you guys based on the little information that I have…here’s what I have to say…

I’ll give you a quick illustration.

You meet a guy.

You date him for 2 months.

You decide not to have sex with him until you’re comfortable.

By the end of the 2 months, you both still haven’t had sex and you break up with him.

He then asks an imaginary mutual friend of the both of you these things:

“Why didn’t she have sex with me?”

“I know I’m hot enough, I make enough money, and have a big enough dick for her to sleep with me, that’s for sure.”


Think for a moment. What would you say to this man asking this question?

What would you feel, reading his question?

I’m not sure what you would feel about him exactly, but I could take a few wild guesses if I wanted to. Perhaps you’d open your mouth wide in shock thinking how could he just focus on the sex like that?? Didn’t he even CARE about her?

Yes? No? Do you feel what I feel about this hypothetical man’s questions?

Most women would; at least if they read his questions carefully and thought about the questions.

Women would hate this man’s questions because of a few reasons:

1) He’s wins the competition for who is Captain Selfish Today.

2) He makes a bunch of assumptions about the woman (a completely different creature to him).

3) He doesn’t look like he ever had enough compassion towards her.

Back to you, Bernadette…

First of all, I thank you for asking direct and succinct questions. This is great and easy for me to read!

I do have a question for you though…

What makes you think HE felt you were a good woman?

Is it because he invited you to live with him? Is it because he asked you to be his ‘girl’?

There’s a difference between feeling like he has a convenient partner and feeling like he has a good woman.

And then it’s a whole other WORLD to feeling like he has a woman who is ‘wife material’.

It seems all so confusing, doesn’t it? Why did he ask you to be his girl, invite you in to his home, and then randomly disappear?

How frustrating and confusing.

But here’s the funny thing…if I was you, I wouldn’t feel so upset about this. Why? Because if I was you, I’d see that you were playing the exact same game as he is. You were both playing the game of ‘what can I TAKE from this person?’

He told you nice things to your ears, invited you in, and all these things seem like a commitment, is that right?

Well maybe he was at one stage being somewhat committed. Maybe. But here’s the thing about men…

The smart ones (most of them are reasonably smart when it comes to giving up their precious time, money, and single status)…they suddenly become VERY cautious. VERY scared.

Did you care about him?

I’m not sure if I believe that you cared THAT much.

You say: “please help he was good to me

I’m assuming you mean….”he seemed close to committing to a relationship with me and giving up everything he ever knew to be with me. OMG what happened to that? I wanted his commitment? I thought I was worthy of his commitment?!”

Well…were you good to him?

Do you think washing the dishes and cleaning is being good to him?

And by being ‘good’, I really mean:

Did HE perceive VALUE in what you were doing for him?

It’s an interesting question worth asking yourself.

After all, aren’t these questions you would like a man to ask himself about YOU? Wouldn’t that be nice?

It’s a much braver question to ask yourself than “why did he give ME such and such” (or a few different variations of the same question).

And doing the cleaning and washing doesn’t make you wife material.

A few things that make you wife material is how much light and dark feminine energy you show up with. Whether you are both of these energies across the spectrum.

What matters is whether YOU have the kind of feminine energy he would commit to.

Sure, cooking and cleaning might give a woman a few more points in a man’s mind. But the men who are the most sensitive to their wife’s needs and the most in love and the most in tune with their wife MIGHT even wish she didn’t do it and rather he paid a cleaner to do it for them. Why? Because a woman is more free when she doesn’t feel like she constantly MUST clean.

It’s fine if she’s happy cleaning and cooking. But it’s when it all gets too stressful that you can’t be feminine (instead, you’re more uptight and rigid and angry about the dirt and dust and the lack of ready made meals)…that men tend to see that perhaps you’d be better having it done for you.

If you want to check out the list of our programs and find the program that would suit your situation best, click here. 


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  • Anita

    OMG, what a great reply.
    I don’t think her emotions were that involved tbh and she doesn’t seem very heartbroken. The guy should have been more upfront, but on the whole lucky escape for him and maybe her.

  • Thanks for the great article, Renee. As Nia suggests above, we must not confuse what’s necessary with what’s sufficient. It’s great if a woman can cook and clean, but that alone does not make her special to a guy and that, without more, will not make him want to stick around.
    Speaking of which, I am sure you have read “Why Men Love Bitches”. I agreed with a few parts, but found much of the message to be damaging to women. I would be great if you could write an article with your thoughts on that book and the ideas it delivers.

    • Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

      Can you expand a bit on what parts you agreed with and what parts you found ‘damaging to women’?

      I have that book & think it’s great, i.e. not being a people-pleaser, I thought resonates with Renee’s message, plus she’s got that book on her list of books for women!

      But I’d love to hear your thoughts on it!

  • Melinda

    I have someone I meet in college. I moved to Memphis not knowing anyone who lived there and had only made a few friends while I was there. One friend in particular that I still keep in contact with after 5 years of me graduating. I’m now living in Nashville and I always invite him to come see me. He doesn’t want to come to Nashville so I tell him I’ll come see him, but he doesn’t want me to come see him until he gets his own place. This ‘friend’ is always selling me dreams about us moving to a city where we can be serious with each other and he even talks about a family with me. This is him talking and I ‘love’ the idea. The problem is…that its been 5 years. I’m 25 and hes 24. Am I wasting my time with someone that will never be with me? Why does he always sell me dreams when all I ever ask from him is honesty and a friendship?

    • Brande

      Hi Melinda – (I wrote the Letter that started this) I feel from what i have learned from Renee and the other bloggers is you need to make your own stability and happiness. Do Not leave those things up to anyone. Move on and if he really wants you to come to see him, he will ask – but by that time you might have someone who is ready for you now!

    • Lindsay

      What I’ve found is that if a man wants to see you, he will see you and there will be no stopping him. If he wants to be with you he will be no matter what. When I first met my fiance (online) he lived nearly 3 hours away from me. He drove to see me 2-3 times a week despite his busy (six days a week) work schedule, even if all we got to do was spend a few hours together. He would drive to see me, spend the night, and drive to work the next morning 3 hours away! He never grumbled or complained or made excuses or let weather stop him. If I ever came to see him he would even pay for my gas, my food, etc. Eventually he paid for a new apartment for us to move into together. If a guy really wants you he’ll do whatever it takes to be with you. Don’t waste your time on this nonsense…this guy just likes the attention you give him but he doesn’t really like YOU that much. Move on!

    • Anais

      Hey Melinda

      “He doesn’t want to come to Nashville so I tell him I’ll come see him, but he doesn’t want me to come see him until he gets his own place. This ‘friend’ is always selling me dreams about us moving to a city where we can be serious with each other and he even talks about a family with me. ”

      Men’s “future talking” is annoying, lol, trust me I know. Don’t get sold on his words, get sold on his actions. He likes you to some degree. Men aren’t as black and white as some advice out there makes it out to be. If a man isn’t committed to you in the way you want, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you, he’s evil, etc. He does at least like you as a friend. But he clearly isn’t trying to commit to you.

      If he wanted to commit to you, he would do all it took. See how you’re inviting him to come over to see you but he isn’t actually offering to see you? Always let men ask to come to you in the early stages; that’s one of the only ways you get to see if they’re worthy of your commitment. Your asking him to see him, etc will create that pressure men get repelled by and dampen whatever attraction he has for you though.

      Men want to feel masculine in the presence of women around and sometimes things like having their own place does that for them. That’s not to say he’ll definitely pursue you after he gets his own place, since sometimes men will spend time with a woman they don’t see themselves with in the future while they get their act together.

      There is no real answer as to whether or not he’ll be back in your life at some point, but it’s best to move on, date other men and not wait on him. Men can sense when you are “waiting” on them and they’ll see no reason to step up their efforts. Disappear from his radar completely or just treat him casually as a friend, who you only speak to briefly when you hear from him. (not the other way around) And every time you hear from him, be your best feminine self. Good luck!

  • Myview

    First off if a guy asked me to move in with him after THREE WEEKS I would raise an eyebrow or a couple of brows. No thanks.

    • Thanks Brande!! You are absolutely correct. I will do that and I haven’t even contacted him since I wrote to you. So I’m already moving forward! 🙂

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