This Is Why Women REALLY Push Men Away

…Because pushing him away is a lot better than feeling him ‘here’ with us and consequently being more vulnerable to his betrayal. Especially if we’ve been truly open and vulnerable to him.

…Because we want you to work harder for us.

…Because we are scared to trust you.

…Because outside of our natural desire for sex during/before ovulation, or the beginning or the end of a menstrual cycle, our desire for sex is lower, and sex takes a lot of energy when we don’t want it.

…Because relationships take courage that we are too scared to have.

…Because some men don’t provide enough value to us in order to warrant us being very connected to them.

…Because men just don’t understand…until they do understand. And if he’s a good man, he really will understand one day.

…Because somebody else abandoned us. And pushing people away is a coping mechanism for perceived eventual hurt. Sorry, it’s just that…abandonment hurts and as a consequence, relationships just don’t feel as ‘real’ or ‘worth it’ anymore.

…Because men are different to us. Even if women and men are both human. Men are different, and if we were honest, dealing with that is frightening sometimes.

…Because we want to feel in control. Letting go means losing control, and losing control means we’ll be judged. By women, funnily enough.

…Because having a man around might mean being more free, safe, and vulnerable. And in feeling more free, safe and vulnerable, we can also start to feel less capable. And what if we suddenly need to be all capable again? Better not risk being out of the game.

…Because when we choose to be wide open to you instead of pushing you away, we have to suddenly be someone we don’t know if we accept or even respect, ourselves. Why be someone we don’t respect?

…Because being wide open and vulnerable to you means we have to accept ourselves. And we don’t always accept ourselves.

…Because we got used to wearing masks. Masks have become our way. And it now takes less energy to wear these masks than it takes to surrender to you.

…Because we want a higher quality man.

I can’t speak for all women, but if you are like most women, inside your heart lies a deep (and almost constant desire) for love and connection.

Sometimes, there’s also a deep hurt over the love you wanted to experience with another human (any human), but for whatever reason, you have not been able to.

In fact, it is the disowning of our feelings that makes committed relationships less possible.

We secretly love relationships. We just don’t feel safe to invest in them sometimes. And – we need reassurance in order to open up. Tell me, am I wrong? Or would reassurance from a man feel good to you? 

Any reason you have for pushing a man away is ok. It’s ok to feel scared. It’s ok to feel unaccepting of ourselves and voice that to yourself and release the feeling. Every feeling has a place – and please give it a place. Allow that feeling to surface, even if it feels so lonely to acknowledge that feeling.

I am just some woman on the internet with an opinion. However, I caution you in disowning your feelings, because in doing that, we tend to repeatedly gravitate towards superficial relationships that break our soul and make us jaded. Don’t ignore your feelings, and therefore ignore what your heart truly wants.

Your head might want to work a lot to keep the seat warm at the high flying job that you have, but how does your heart feel?

Your head might want to sleep with a good looking man, but put your hand on your heart; ask your heart beforehand – how do you feel, heart? What if you never hear from him again afterwards? What if you never see him again?

Your head might want this and that, but how does your heart feel? Is it hurting? Is it yearning?

If you ignore your heart and your truest feelings, mediocre relationships will find you.

In the end, the quality of our relationships is all we have.

Which one of these reasons did you NOT relate to? What other reasons can you share for pushing a man away? Let me know in the comments, I look forward to reading what you write.

 

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P.S. What are some other reasons you push a man away? Can you add even better reasons to this list? Please add to the list in a comment below. I always look forward to reading your ideas.

You’re a powerful goddess that can change the lives of people around you.

75 Comments

  • Lyn says:

    Renée
    I love your writing. Thank you for being an inspiration. My question revolves around how long you should wait before getting a comittment from a boyfriend (not necessarily marriage but moving in together). We are both in our 40’s and have kids from previously relationships. We have a wonderful connection and have been dating exclusively for 2 years. He is very committed and loving to me but has said he doesn’t ever see us blending our families and living together. I am not naive in thinking that if I stay around he might change his mind in 3, 5 or 10 years time but I do want to be realistic. I do want to eventually someday find a partner to share my life with – not sure if you have a life partner and Live apart from each other (we live 10 minutes from each other). Would you give it a certain amount of time and reevaluate?

  • Audrey says:

    Renee, what if you’ve pushed a man away out of fear… because you allowed yourself to worry too much and overthink and not be present with him.. and the walls came up, and as a result, you were rude and sabotaged on the second date. And he wisely decides to stop seeing you? How would a high value vulnerable woman apologize for that? I realize doing it with motives to “get him back” (it’s been about a year) is not wise. But I do feel he deserved better. I just am curious what it looks like for a high value woman to own her mistakes and apologize, as I’ve not seen that example often in my life.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Audrey, well, I’d only apologise if you were able to start dialogue with him once again. So the only thing to do would be to consider if you want to start dialogue with him again after one year. As well as consider where he is at in his life? Would he be open to talking to you? Once you’ve answered those questions you can look at a simple, humble apology if you have a conversation going. Not just a ‘I’m sorry about that” but an “I’m sorry, I was so silly (or other appropriate word)”.

  • Lucinda aldama says:

    This has helped me a lot, being a women that was molested and abused a lot, I’ve always pushed men away and when I releases it to my fiance I was emotionally in tears but the healing needed to take place for our relationship to move forward so thank you very much always Lucinda aldama mesa arizona

  • Irma Romano says:

    I met a man on Christmas Eve and we hooked up shortly after and than after seeing him twice I pushed him away. I was overwhelmed with liking him and him not really being emotionally available to me only to text me on his terms. It reminded me of other relationships in the past where I had abandoned myself. Than I told him good-bye and regretted it after my girlfriend said you could have allowed him to fall for you overtime you pushed too hard too fast and Iam having a hard time letting go now for some reason and not trusting in my actions and feelings.

  • Rocoten says:

    Hi,
    I lost the man I loved about 8 months ago. We had a 3 years rls and we broke up mainly because we werent aligned at the moment and I expected too much. After a year of adjusting myself and consistency, I managed to start dating him again officially (he told friends) eventhough he never stopped loving me. Sadly life took him away from me unexpectedly.

    I have this fear that I’ll never find someone that will care for me as much as he did, and that I wont like someone just as much as I liked him. Its a scary thought. However, I met someone I enjoy talking to and befriended this person. Somehow I have a feeling that I could grow to like him but Im afraid his sweet words and openness to talk about pretty much anything without judgment are a facade. I dont want to expose myself too much to this person and get hurt. I dont want to get hurt again and for some reason I its hard to trust a man. I dont know if I should keep opening myself up to this man or “friendzone” him and avoid getting emotionally attached.
    I dont usually give to people I dont care about and I never enter meaningless relationships but once I do, boy do I enjoy showing that person that they are valuable to me.

  • lostgirl says:

    I pushed this guy I was dating away because he said he didn’t want kids. I knew I wanted kids someday. So I didn’t want to feel like I was wasting time by being with someone who didn’t want the same thing.

  • lostgirl says:

    I push my friend away because he’s married. I’m attracted to help. Our chats are fun. I would feel sad if I never heard from him again.

  • Monica says:

    Hi Renee! Your work has been so helpful for me and my relationship ❤️. Since starting my journey to become the woman and partner I desire to be, I notice I pull away because I am insecure. My partner and I have been together for almost two years. He is wonderful, I respect and love him more than I have any man before. Sometimes, I get nervous that I am not bring enough value to his life. I get scared that I am undeserving and that one day he’ll wake up and think so too. This fear of somehow ‘being found out’ scares me to my core. I don’t know where it comes from and I’d like to shake it. 💚

  • Morgan says:

    Hi, Renee. I really hope you’ll see this, I have an emergency!!

    I subscribed to your Attraction Control Monthly through buying one of your deals that came with the first month of it. But now I need to be taken off, because right now I cannot afford the monthly payments. And I have sent two messages through your help desk, and one through your facebook. And I know it’s not you yourself who responds to these, so I’m not upset with YOU. But I am upset that nobody’s helping me!! I can’t lose any money and nobody seems to care or understand and I’m also becoming angry! I’m leaving this comment here because I don’t know what else to do. If you want too I even have screenshots of all the messages I’ve sent along with the dates I sent them.

  • Seenandheard says:

    I push him away because I feel turned off by his baby talk. Why does he do that? It doesn’t feel masculine. I feel like I’m drowning in sap. Where’s the polarity? I’m the warm, feeling, soft girl. I want him to be the hard, cold, doing man. Seriously, why does he talk like a baby with me?

    • bobsyouruncle says:

      Well, that defines my marriage very well, but I am a bit of a romantic, because I do like the woman in my life to know clearly how I feel.

  • bobsyouruncle says:

    I would love to meet a warm.feminine woman again. I am a single man who.spent 23 yrs with my late wife whom.I shared a very deep true love with. we were the couple everyone hated because we were so close. were can I find you lady’s to date and learn about ?

  • Dawn Zuokumor says:

    Hello renee,
    I have this friend who we’ve had a thing for each other but never really made a move… or I’d say he has and I’d been stalling coz I was scared. Okay the thing is, we suddenly became really really close developing that connection and i did really trusy him and then the fear came. I started thinking since we’re not dating yet, he could leave anytime what if I do something wrong and all that.. the thing is I know he’s serious and all but **okay I failed to mention he really likes me coz I don’t want to trust my feelings with him** I finally did and then started thinking I shouldn’t have and I might very even taken value away from him and then the fear pushed me to start acting low value and now I feel disconnected from him and I hate it and it makes me more scared coz I think he’s noticed and might want to leave.. I really want it back.. could you please tell me the best way to go about this? Really need that advise thanks.
    I think I sound quite desperate😄 loll.

  • Diane Bannard says:

    Fear of betrayal / abandonment. My husband of 12 years, instead of trying to repair our marriage after we separated, ran off with a 21 yr old, had a baby with her and is living with her. He is 50 yes old. I see too late he was not a high value man for a mate. But I’m 62 now. It will be hard because men don’t even want to date a woman over 60. And the men on the dating sites: they are other women’s leftovers, that they divorced because she couldn’t live with him anymore. My last relationship of 11 months ended 5 months ago. He’s a narcissist and mysogenist. He cheated in both of his marriages. I don’t believe he has ever really loved a woman. He’s 61. So much for wisdom.

  • Sade says:

    Hello Renee,
    It’s been 3yrs now since I broke up with my ex and have never had sex since then… Sex is so intimate for me I can only have it with someone I am in love with. That being said, I work with a guy that interest me alot, I really like him… He seem interested as well but not enough to say he wants a relationship with me because he had never asked me out. We chat sometimes and he make jokes that certainly sends a msg that he is sexually attracted to me. In a long time, I didnt meet a guy that I could imagine sleeping with him until this guy…. My greatest fear is, what if sex is all he wants while I want a committed relationship? Do I just open my doors let him in, sleep with him(which I so desire) then hope for the best?? On the side note, I might be going out with him tomorrow but not as a date, it’s just sport… Kindly advise

    • Sade says:

      Hello Renee,
      I understand you a busy person trying to advise many of us with relationship issues… Personally I am so grateful as your articles are such eye opener. Please, I would really love to read from you regarding my situation.
      Bless you

      • Renee Wade says:

        Hi Sade, let’s start with what I wrote in this article (above): “Your head might want to sleep with a good looking man, but put your hand on your heart; ask your heart beforehand – how do you feel, heart? What if you never see him again?”

        In this case, your body probably also wants to sleep with him…but still, ask your heart. How would it feel if you were to never see or hear from him again afterwards?

      • Myall says:

        Hi Sade, l am not a relationship expert and l know this post is three months old, but l am curious as to what has happened with this guy and you since posting. I would have suggested that as a friend you ask him about his views on relationship in general and what he was looking for in a relationship.

  • lisa says:

    i never pushed men away, i was always the one being pushed away. pushed aside, rejected, men wouldn’t let me in, etc.

  • Phyllis Black says:

    Renee, I am 56 and still hopeful. My “problem” is being feminine and vulnerable, men can see that. I’m not matronly by a long stretch! But, at my age, they do only want sex because the men have done the “family thing” with another woman and already has children. Grown. But they’re are always tied emotionally to the ex wife, current wife or “baby mama” Since I couldn’t have children, men see no other purpose for me. I have been told “I could still love you the same, just don’t expect to get married,” by a man who was with me 5 years, put me thru nursing school and supported me financially. He was 15 years older and in great condition. But, I was never going to move the mother of his 5 children out of his heart or his sense of mistrust of me thinking I was sleeping with many men (he was sleeping with many women).
    Meeting and connecting with men has never been a problem. They bolt when the commitment means naturally moving to the next step and realize yes I do want to be married.
    Ironically, I am now in a relationship with a man 15 years MY junior. I really care for him, but again – long past the family thing, what will I do when I am abandoned by this one after a few years when HE wants a family? This one told me he believes marriage is ONLY for creating the family.
    I always wanted to be special – set apart and “the one.” After 30+ years in the dating field, I’m finding a common thread. Men don’t consider women very “high value” unless either you can procreate or some other man has procreated with you in the past. Otherwise, you have to “understand” you come behind so many other people and expect the relationship won’t go too far.
    I can have the sex, hold out make him wait for sex, not have sex at all… doesn’t matter. I want committed relationship leading to marriage. So it ends the same – he meets someone better (for him) as I am told by women in church, sister, coworkers.
    Doesn’t matter if I’m vulnerable, submissive, domestic and everything in your writings. I don’t exactly know what to change, but I’m kind of tired of being “me,” forever the girlfriend – never the wife, and now relegated to “being happy for the marriage aged women” and being a “listening ear.” Renee, enjoy your youth, husband and kids. I enjoy your writing. Very entertaining.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Phyllis,

      When men tell you “I could still love you the same, just don’t expect to get married”, it does not mean anything about you and your reproductive capability. It is about how they feel about marriage at this moment in time.

      And, marriage is an expensive gift for a man to give to a woman. Do not lose hope that a man could give it to you – but at the same time, place your energy and thoughts and care in to giving value. You need to look at other types of value that you can give beyond what you think you ‘should’ give, like children. What if you were able to develop a deeper connection with a man than any other woman from his past could develop?

      What if you found a man who actually wasn’t, say, 15 years younger and wanting a family. but a man in a similar situation to you? 50 plus and never had children (and may not want them)?

      You must care about the connection and the attraction above all else in order to be able to deliver value – don’t value marriage first, as that it a super expensive gift that a man will give in a genuine way, only when he is in love (of course, lots of men get married when they’re not in love and because they stayed in a relationship a long time and people are pressuring for it).

      It’s about your value – how alive are you, how responsive, how accepting are you, how real are you? And also, how resentful are you? Does your resentment come through your body even if you don’t mean it to? This is not to say resentment is wrong – it’s not wrong – it’s just that it could be impeding on your ability to be free.

      • Phyllis Black says:

        Wow, Renee! You actually read my sentiment. Thank you.
        I’m vary real. Not resentful, just beginning to be realistic. I just do not want to go thru thousands of men waiting for the “what ifs” at my age. Marriage isn’t promised to everyone. No matter how much I want to live a high value, high status life. It’s not cool to have to deal with the “relationship” issues and commitment phobic men wanting sex. Realistically speaking. I am aware that it might not happen and have already moved to another city anticipating probability of a lifetime alone….

        • bobsyouruncle says:

          As a man, it isn’t that men are commitment phobic, it is that many men have been hurt by superficial relationships with jaded women, or hypergamous women and thusly have become calous. Make a man invest in you, make him see that you are not easy, that you are loyal, ad if he really truly cares for and has deep attraction, he will do everything he can to earn your love.

          • Phyllis Black says:

            @bobsyouruncle.
            While I appreciate your sentiments.. it’s kinda hard to engage with a man who approaches you under false pretenses – pretending he is available for a relationship when he is not (married, committed to “baby’s mama,” narcissistic, etc. After I fall for the “okey-doke,” then they truly begin to pull away because their primary relationship has become prevalent. A man can only lie until some important event in his woman’s life becomes prevalent (anniversary, holiday, mother’s day) then he has to get ghost until she doesn’t need him anymore- then here he comes again, moving me up in the hierarchy. I actually had a man tell me that he believed in “polygyny,” and really tried to get me to buy in to that foolishness!

            Thanks, but no thanks..I’m getting off the hamster’s wheel. Had enough. Now I’m in the phase of “why bother…” I won’t say I can do bad all by myself, but I would say I can eliminate the hurt and stress a commitment phobic man can bring in my life. Then, after they are done with me and moved on, they memorialize it by writing a text or e-mail about how they are “never moving from their position” and how they have “set boundaries, and of course you must have noticed.”

            If a man only wants sex, come clean and say that up front. Don’t approach women who wants to have more than a superficial relationship and trick them into being loyal to you when you [the man] is pretending to be something you are not to get the cookie. Find a woman who is on your same page- if the man does not want a commitment, find a woman who is “hypergamous” as well.

            • bobsyouruncle says:

              because women have the supply of sex locked up and men want access to it, you are going to have to deal with unworthy cads. I will apologize right now for the majority of us who.just want a deeply feminine women. I was married to a human version of Tinkerbell for 23 yrs. she passed about 2 months ago. I knew i was likelyto outlive her from very early in the relationship and currently my world.is shattered. but don’t think all men are bad people. I am very concerned I will never find a woman of her quality to share the rest of my life with. I am also mourning and grieving and very complicated and conflicted. but I am trying to.present the mans side here as well. want a good husband ? find a widower who was married for 20+ years. there’s a man who isn’t commitment phobic, and lady’s, close thy legs. thats right cads are short term investors, just keep investment curve balanced. men actually like chaste women. I was my wife’s second at 19 and her last.

              • Phyllis Black says:

                Hi there!
                Been there, done that. Got the t- shirt.
                Met this widower a few years back. During conversation to feel him out after he asked me out, he says “oh yes, I’m ready to date!” Agreed to meet to go out. As be was getting go know me, his mind wanders back to the deceased (more than 3 years) wife. Guy pulls out the WEDDING ALBUM!!! And aside from this, when I told him I was domestic (like cooking, cleaning, etc.) Guy was so insulted and basically shoved me out the front door. “You are trying to be somebody’s WIFE!”
                So, no widowers. Between the forever mourning period and the adult children there will never be another woman good enough. “Daddy, please don’t replace my mama!” Any woman is fair game to “hit it and quit it,” though. Because you won’t find that virginal, chaste woman unless ordering a 9 year old child bride. Guy might question any female above age 12…

                • bobsyouruncle says:

                  you seem really bitter about your choices. very sorry that you haven’t found a strong devoted protector male to balance your life. however if you continue to unilaterally blame men, that’s your failing. good men the kind you want, bitterness is obvious and unattractive and it breathes a noxious odor of entitlement.

                • Phyllis Black says:

                  Why do you have to resort to name calling? I have to be “bitter” and “self entitled” because I am expressing a choice not to continue to be pissed on be commitment phobic men and narcissists who seek out FEMININE women with HIGH VALUE to screw over then tell us how we weren’t with their time after being OPEN!!!
                  How dare you!
                  I think you need to considered that it isn’t just a man who gets to make the choice. That’s why we are on this website paying money to be taught a better way. None of the information shared by either Renee or David teaches us we are supposed to be doormats. To be quality doesn’t mean we have to resort to deception either.
                  Educated, mature women pose a threat to guys like you. And, I don’t have to resort to name calling – you know what you are.
                  When the right guy comes along, he will be ready for an authentic relationship with a REAL woman!
                  No games, no tricks. Because I’m retired from the game and I’m no TRICK.
                  Last point. If a man wants to have sex with no relationship, be able to pay the women in business to do that. Then, it’s a true business relationship. Don’t expect a quality woman to give the cookie away for free.
                  Some of us are looking for love. And the value of this is priced way more than money can buy.
                  When you point an accusatory finger at a woman whose story you DON’T know, the other 4 fingers are pointing right back at YOU!

                • bobsyouruncle says:

                  maybe you need some honest self assessment here. your begingcombative angry and masculine.submission does not mean doormat.

                • Phyllis Black says:

                  Save your armchair advice for when you become a licensed therapist.
                  Think what you want in cyberspace. Since you’re throwing shade at a person you don’t know, you can obviously accept my opinion of you. I find you to be misogynistic and unkind.
                  And you are stalking this website to insult women who come here to seek help from experts.
                  That in itself is part of the profile for someone in need of serious psychiatric assessment and treatment. Since I do not engage with mental patients, this is the end of my communication with you.
                  Please seek help face to face with your particular DSM-5.

                • bobsyouruncle says:

                  out the specific parts where I hurled insults ? my friend has a saying. if you run into a asshole today, its just an asshole. if everyone you run into is a asshole, maybe your the asshole.getting angry with me for pointing out that your angry and you come off as entitled, doesn’t change the fact that you come off as angry and entitled. it can’t be that all men are bad, just as I am sure there are many good women. this first sign you have a personal issue is that its everyone else’s fault.

                • bobsyouruncle says:

                  hey, I was faithfully married for 21yrs, i am a widower. I’ve seen your excuse making in all of our single friends in that time. its always the mans fault why it didn’t work. I was calling attention to that fact. it can’t be that all men are commitment phobic, maybe you just aren’t worth it, maybe your value isn’t what you think it is. maybe you behavior,ethics,fashion,signaling pushes good men away and attracts cads.

  • Maria says:

    I am figuring out that I’ve learned to push men away. It comes so naturally. I have met someone who I believe is a good man… we are both so young though and I think we share similar fears. I know my heart wants to connect with him, but how does this happen while maintaining space, withholding pressure, and still being genuine in my feelings? I can’t ignore my heart anymore. I have been loving myself so fully and truly… even when it’s hard, but it hasn’t just happened overnight. I sometimes struggle to keep the faith but I can’t ignore the feeling that I just need patience and understanding in order for him (as well as myself) to look past the fear.

  • Nicole says:

    I definitely identify with having been abandoned in the past, but also with having been vulnerable and subsequently seeing a man betray that vulnerability by not perceiving its value. Years later, that man told me he realized that shutting down my vulnerability is what drove me away from him, but after being with him a year and a half, I learned to close that part of myself down. Now I’m fighting every day to open myself back up so that I can have the authentic, loving relationship that I so desire. I am not in denial–I am a deeply feminine woman, and I want a deeply masculine man to love and appreciate, and who will protect me and make me feel safe for the rest of my days.

  • Lauri Hall says:

    I want to find love so badly, but I sabatoge or push away any man who tries. My ex husband broke my heart and two years later I still feel the pain of abandonment and betrayal. Even though he was not good to me I still loved him. I want to be in love, but I am doubtful it will ever happen. I notice I push interested candidates away:'(

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Lauri, I don’t blame you for thinking falling in love may not be easy, but if you can, try not to be so quick to lose hope and protect yourself. If something is that good, then it’s worth the time it takes to get it.
      What do you mean you still loved him even though he was not good to you? It is not possible to love someone unless they are meeting our needs somehow…and so that makes me wonder, how was he meeting your needs? Or did you perhaps love what you hope he could be?

      • Lauri Hall says:

        He showed little affection the 21 years we were together unless it was sex. He didn’t like anyone I cared for. But we were best friends and I felt he was attractive. When he left our family for someone 14 years younger it was devastating. Thank u for reading I love all ur articles. I am a fan!

  • danaellen says:

    One of the best I have read.

  • Morgan says:

    I definitely relate to the abandonment one. But more so with the same guy, the second I feel my boyfriend has abandoned me, even for just a minute, I tend to shut down or even become aggressive and push him away. Luckily I know how to open back up thanks to you. 🙂

  • amber says:

    Only women can free men. Start loving yourself and loving a man like you love yourself regardless of romantic interest who are pretty much just like you and you will have more empathy. Men want love sex release freedom emotions and a home and heart just like you. Women keep disrespecting themselves men will continue to follow suit. And that ultimate means being open to God no matter the outcome

    • Diane Bannard says:

      I understand that too. But it seems men ought to be working on themselves too. Not only us women. I realize I am still healing. But my exes I am sure are bringing their baggage into their next relationships. At least I am confident my next relationship will be healthier. And when the time is right, God will put me and that man together.

  • Diane Kirwen says:

    I don’t trust him…..I feel like he is always “looking over the fence”! Women at church opening flirt with him in front of me! It’s like I am invisible to them all. So, how can I trust when I am not there if this I how it is when I am?

    • amber says:

      And that is why I will remain single! Since there is NO FEMALE loyalty males will think it’s okay to disrespect you just like females disrespect you. Males take for granted the AUTOMATIC LOYALTY they receive JUST BY BEING MALE!! Think about it. Another male hooks another male up with a job. Another male hangs with a group of friends who will ALWAYS have his back. Males help other males WITHOUT FUCKING ONE ANOTHER. UNLOYAL DISRESPECTFUL females will fuck up your money! Ruin a marriage! Cheat with your lover! Bully you at the job and get YOU FIRED cause all you want to do is work and keep personal SEPARATE!! Tell me I’m Wrong!! I actually kinda hate women because they fuck up things in my life by being Pieces of Shit! And they do it because they have NO SELF ESTEEM unless they are putting another woman DOWN!!

      • GreenTara says:

        I share your sentiments (but not your cursing). I have examined this issue of female betrayal, having had many other women sabotage me. I agree that there is not much loyalty among women. I was blamed by another woman when I “took away” her boyfriend… but I did not even know he was dating her. It was his choice, why not be angry at him?
        The resolution I came to is this: that 50% of women will betray you. While we cannot always control who we work with, we can control our personal relationships. I try to have understanding that women have been conditioned by the patriarchy to always put men above women. Thus, we have no faith in ourselves, so we “submit” to men…did you hear that, Renee? The patriarchy works by dividing women. Just look at women’s issues. Women don’t agree on many fundamental issues and refuse to support other women, if they disagree, even equal pay for equal work.
        Women go after one another because we are easy targets.

        • amber says:

          Oh boo hoo I cursed. Does shit fall out your ass?? Well ok then that means you are not perfect. Take what you need from the conversation and leave the judgement aside. Thank you!

  • Natasha Mc says:

    I am definitely afraid of being abandoned and deceived after I invest all I have. I have this perception that men will eventually get tired of me and become abusive or just leave instead. This is after a horrible abusive relationship, and two who refused to commit (regardless of my efforts) after.

  • Michaela K says:

    I push a man when I don’t feel appreciated,seen,valued…truly cared for. When a man disrespects me…it hits a deep wound ..growing up with a disrespectful,hurtful father.

  • Kat Onetwo says:

    I push a man away because at the root of being vulnerable is the real fear of intimacy. What I now now of intimacy is much deeper than saying I love you in my youth and past marriage. This intimacy that makes me decide to accept the person before me and myself; that requires verbal communication opens the glued pieces of my heart to light; to examine the chips and gaps; and then look at it in whole. I push away a man because it is hard to look deep into myself.

    • Daniel says:

      So im in a long distance relationship fairly new, about 6 months and I know its crazy, but she IS the one; We have been brutally honest with each other and just recently a switch flipped and it got real serious out of nowhere, here is a little back story we met online and initially she admitted that i was just supposed to be an eye candy for her but when the honest confessions came out and we started talking our feelings changed, now here is my issue just a few nights ago she started pushing me away and hard, but not in a bad way and she admitted that she was afraid of being hurt again,
      i am not a multiple woman guy and we had planned trips to see each other every month 1-2 weeks for the next year or two until i finish my classes so i can relocate, my question is this, am i doing anything wrong by chasing her, reassuring her that im in it for the long run or should i back off and give her time to cool off and realize that this romantic fairytale is not a dream anymore but a reality knocking at the door? idk anymore how to read women, i feel like they tread in the grey area and i cannot read the signs anymore, ugh sometimes frustrating but i cant quit just yet

  • disqus_KVFluf4Y0b says:

    Thank you for this Renee. I feel like you read my mind. I’ve been feeling recently like I would just give up and stay single, because I struggle with this so much. My big reason is that I find it very difficult to respect men and trust their leadership. I meet so few men that I respect. I feel like I’m much happier, more productive, and at peace when I’m single. But instead of just accepting this, I feel like I’m being judgmental and not really understanding. I follow (and love) your work, your husband David’s, and many others trying to get past this. It doesn’t change for me. I look at the world and see most men in leadership and in life being competitive, destructive and careless or not very bright. I think I must have some longing or I wouldn’t have spent so much time studying relationship dynamics, but I still feel….disappointed and rather uninterested or even annoyed by them. I do have a very low libido, which I’m sure is part of it. I know I’m not perfect or anything like that- far from it….maybe I’m just not wired for it?? I don’t know. I know this is a judgmental position to be in, and I don’t want to be that way, even if I do stay single, but I can’t seem to shift it.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hey there! just wondering, have you ever fallen in love? How long ago?

      • disqus_KVFluf4Y0b says:

        Thank you so much for replying. I only just saw this. I honestly can’t say for sure. I feel like I have sort of?? but that feeling only seems to last a year or two at most, and then it switches to irritation and judgment and wishing I were single, so maybe it hasn’t been real love, only infatuation? Hard to say. My last relationship ended about 5 months ago. He was a pretty decent man, not very motivated though. I didn’t ever feel head over heels with him, even in the beginning. The time I felt most in love was with a guy who was charismatic and fun, but had little interest in commitment had a lot of problems that did not support a healthy relationship. I wasn’t in the best place either at the time and things got pretty toxic. It was more like an addictive drama thing than real love. I have followed your blog for a long time and purchased some of your programs, and I want to thank you for your work. I’m very impressed with the quality, clarity and fairness in your writing. You have helped me to feel more confident and valuable as a woman. You helped me soften a lot over the years (I used to be sooo angry) though I still have a long way to go. One thing I will say is that when I have PMS (when I wrote the comment above) my attitude is much worse, and I’ve ruined a lot of relationships with it. I sort of feel like Jekyll and Hyde at times, though the underlying feelings never totally go away. Thanks again Renee and keep up the good work. You are just lovely!

        • Renee Wade says:

          Hey again! So sorry it has taken me so long to write back to you!! Thanks for the gratitude, it means a lot.

          I wanted to say that first of all, the behaviour you’re describing is – to an extent – somewhat typical of most females. However, I caution you on putting it down to that, because it seems as though you have a powerful drive to keep your distance from intimacy. Perhaps you have an avoidant attachment style. I cannot be sure, these are all just thoughts that I’m throwing out here. I suggest you look up attachment styles, and also look in to your past. What was your mother like? What was your father like? What is your relationship with them like? It will reveal a lot of details.

          – Renee.

          • disqus_KVFluf4Y0b says:

            Thank you so much for your thoughtful response Renee! I think you may be onto something there about my attachment style. Most days I think I want to do the work to change that, but some days not so much…haha. However, overall, I do think it would be worth the hard work, so I’ll keep at it. Thank you again for all you do- much love and respect.

  • Jer'mie Carriere says:

    ” After being hurt by constant lies and empty promises, just wanting a loving 2 sided relationship but then being told what i want is just a fantasy. Believing real love is out there and that i am worthy of it just seems so distant if at all possible.”

    • jusme says:

      That’s where I am too. I want the “fantasy” to come true. Good luck to you in finding the right man to have the relationship you yearn for.

    • lisa says:

      i’ve been hurt the same way, jer’mie, and i feel the same way you do. if i didn’t find that right man and relationship when i was younger, i doubt that it’s gonna happen now at almost 50 yrs old.

  • Doro says:

    Renee: When will you write an article that is directed at mature women? I have friends in their 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s who are forever asking how to meet men, where are the good men hiding, why are men so dumb, etc? When the reproductive aspect is taken out, and mature wisdom steps in, these women have these questions with no answers. Can you help?

    • Goodall Lesley says:

      Renee is too young to know the answers to your questions. Women of that age should have learnt wisdom through their experiences. The best way to meet men is through activities applying to their own age group. I saw a large group of ramblers today some with their dogs out walking in Dovedale. They all looked so happy and I thought this is where I would start if I was widowed. Leisure Centres have many activities like swimming, yoga, badminton and workouts especially designed for older people. My 70 year old widowed friend has breakfast every morning in her local hotel and meets many different people all the time.If you are going to call anybody ‘dumb’ don’t expect miracles.!!Then Renee’s advise applies in showing respect for a man you meet whatever age and showing as high value yourself. Renee does not know the effects of the ‘Menopause’ It can be very liberating, but only with a loving, caring, high value man. This is ‘Mature Wisdom’.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Doro, thanks for your question. Most of the world is average. Average people are everywhere – if you’re truly a smart woman, most men may not match that – but if there’s so many average people out there, there’s also exceptional people. And they are more of a minority. You just have to meet lots of people, and engage with people and weed out the ones who are not right for you.

      Maybe reliving the old memories of when you engaged with a truly wonderful man will help. They say it’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. To love at all is a privilege – and the more you feel grateful for what life has given you in the past, perhaps the better your energy will be, and the better you will show up around men of any age today. Most of us forget how good life has been to us, even if we’ve lived a really rough life.

      I’m curious….why do your friends think men are dumb?? What are the men doing that makes them seem dumb?

      • Doro says:

        Hi Renee. In answer to your question, women tell me that men are “dumb” when they do things like:
        – fool around with other women then not want to talk about it, and just want things to go back to normal.
        – don’t “get” how much their words or behaviour has hurt the woman in question
        – don’t take action, and the woman has to step in
        – get into fights with other men
        – become so “comfortable” in the relationship that they don’t see the need to give compliments, or buy the odd gift for her.
        – can’t see beyond sex.
        The list goes on, Renee, but I’m sure you know what these women are all talking about. I’d say most of these women would be considered high quality women, but they’ve looked high and low to find a good man, and they’re all coming up empty.

      • Diane Bannard says:

        Renee, I do believe if there is anyone who can give good insight and wisdom in the aging dating pool, it is you. I look forward to what I will learn from you and I am still teachable. I am still healing and learning what makes me push men away. I guess fear of being betrayed/abandoned. I have been married twice in my life. So, it’s not like I don’t believe it can happen for me again.

    • Diane Bannard says:

      I am in the same boat being 62. No men in their 60’s want to marry again. Whether they are widowed or divorced. They are just looking for a ‘companion’ or a ‘fun woman’s to do things with.
      They are jaded, hurt, cynical and unrealistic in what they expect to find in a woman. They want a ‘fantasy’.

      • Doro says:

        Hi Diane. It’s a real problem, isn’t it? I’m hoping Renee can come up with some answers or suggestions. She’s done a lot of research into relationships and I’m hoping she can give some good input. There are a LOT of women out there who want relationships and having babies and raising children is no longer part of the picture.

      • Susie Lima CHt says:

        Hi Diane (and Doro),
        I am an older woman and I can answer your question.
        It takes a lot of love to overcome the obstacles we face as older women.
        Love for yourself first and foremost. Looking in to your own heart and healing any ounce of bitterness, pain, resentment. Release your own hurt, your own jadedness, your own cynicism. This takes so much time and can be very painful on your way to healing. This way you become clear, bright, fun and blissful. For yourself, not anyone else. Like this you are the most ‘fun companion’ they’ve ever known. Then doing this you are also elevating yourself to becoming nonchalant about finding a man. Not needing one, being perfectly happy without one, is, ironically, the most powerful magnet to magnetize them to you. Your energy will be clear and like a refreshing ray of sunshine to everyone you meet.
        Men will be incredibly attracted to you and drawn to you.
        At this stage, you will need wise discernment to choose the best match for you.
        This is a whole other topic in and of itself, which Renee does a fabulous job helping us with.
        Then, once you’ve chosen the man that is best for you, stage three, you must flip your mindset: to how you ADD value to their life. Renee also helps us so much with this mindset. Reflect upon what you have to offer, what’s in it for him (as opposed to thinking what’s in it for me?). This can be very challenging, and very rewarding.
        You are already a sunny ray of sunshine, bright and happy, with or without him. You are fun, you are refreshing in your age category by not having a ton of baggage and inner issues. you bring to him what he doesn’t have, feminine energy, nurturing, companionship, love, caring for him, emotionally supporting him, being there through thick and thin. Don’t devalue that.
        When you pour on the love for him, his jaded, hurt, cynical heart will heal. He will become the most loyal man. Taking on a man at this mature age is like adopting an abused dog from the shelter. They are hurt, they snarl, they’ll bite your hand. You must love them, nurture them, cuddle them, give them healthy food, let them run outside have their freedom and get dirty,(I am NOT saying let them go screw other women!) then bring them in and give them a bath and brush them, cuddle them and pet them. Over time they turn in to the most loyal and loving companion for life you’ve ever had.
        This is the formula that through my personal experience has worked for me. I am an older woman with an older man, and believe me, he was the bachelor of the year for 15 years before he met me, and after two years of dating he’s now the most loyal and wonderful husband in the world.
        Best of luck and best wishes to you on your journey.

    • Susie Lima CHt says:

      Hi Doro,
      I am an older woman and I can answer your question.
      It takes a lot of love to overcome the obstacles we face as older women.
      Love for yourself first and foremost. Looking in to your own heart and healing any ounce of bitterness, pain, resentment. Release your own hurt, your own jadedness, your own cynicism. This takes so much time and can be very painful on your way to healing. This way you become clear, bright, fun and blissful. For yourself, not anyone else. Like this you are the most ‘fun companion’ they’ve ever known. Then doing this you are also elevating yourself to becoming nonchalant about finding a man. Not needing one, being perfectly happy without one, is, ironically, the most powerful magnet to magnetize them to you. Your energy will be clear and like a refreshing ray of sunshine to everyone you meet.
      Men will be incredibly attracted to you and drawn to you.
      At this stage, you will need wise discernment to choose the best match for you.
      This is a whole other topic in and of itself, which Renee does a fabulous job helping us with.
      Then, once you’ve chosen the man that is best for you, stage three, you must flip your mindset: to how you ADD value to their life. Renee also helps us so much with this mindset. Reflect upon what you have to offer, what’s in it for him (as opposed to thinking what’s in it for me?). This can be very challenging, and very rewarding.
      You are already a sunny ray of sunshine, bright and happy, with or without him. You are fun, you are refreshing in your age category by not having a ton of baggage and inner issues. you bring to him what he doesn’t have, feminine energy, nurturing, companionship, love, caring for him, emotionally supporting him, being there through thick and thin. Don’t devalue that.
      When you pour on the love for him, his jaded, hurt, cynical heart will heal. He will become the most loyal man. Taking on a man at this mature age is like adopting an abused dog from the shelter. They are hurt, they snarl, they’ll bite your hand. You must love them, nurture them, cuddle them, give them healthy food, let them run outside have their freedom and get dirty,(I am NOT saying let them go screw other women!) then bring them in and give them a bath and brush them, cuddle them and pet them. Over time they turn in to the most loyal and loving companion for life you’ve ever had.
      This is the formula that through my personal experience has worked for me. I am an older woman with an older man, and believe me, he was the bachelor of the year for 15 years before he met me, and after two years of dating he’s now the most loyal and wonderful husband in the world.
      Best of luck and best wishes to you on your journey.

  • nena says:

    Great article Renne!thank you
    Here are some other reasons:
    Because
    -We want to ask for something (more dates,more communication,tenderness etc.) and we dont know how to ask for it!
    -Something about your behavior or your expressions reminded us of an ex that tore us apart!
    -We want you to grab us and shout:what s wrong???
    -Something you did annoyed us and we want you to discover it by yourself 🙂 🙂
    -We want more attention
    -We are nuts 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Also,i think it is a great idea for you to write short articles more often
    Because
    -It makes me happy to see a message from you first thing in the morning
    -A few lines put in a proper way can stick the right ideas in your mind
    -It s fun to read your articles
    -The comment section is a way to connect with other people

    <3 <3 <3

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