Why Do Men Pull Away From You & The Relationship and how to deal with it like a High Value Feminine woman?

(Content Updated 2017)

Sometimes there’s literally nothing worse than having your man pull away from you, from the relationship.

For a moment, for an hour, for days or weeks.

It doesn’t matter.

…Because we are talking about a man who you’ve invested your precious time, your energy and your emotions.

And so for him to pull away from you at any moment, it’s painful. His lack of presence leaves a void that is difficult to fill.

But why do men pull away from the relationship? And how can you deal with it in the best way possible when they do?

How can you deal with it as a feminine yet high value woman?

Let me answer those questions in this article.

Every day my team and I get questions about the topic of men pulling away.

Because the reality is that men will withdraw and pull away from you and from the relationship; it’s bound to happen.

It is a part of their masculine instinct.

To prevent them from doing so is like telling the sun not to rise or telling a flower not to blossom.

(…and of course, us women pull away from relationships too, but most of the time not for the same reasons as why men do it.)

See… the truth is, most men can only take being connected deeply to you for a certain amount of time before they need to remove themselves to find their equilibrium again.

They need to re-engage with their identity in their mission, their goals, and their masculine passions.

Even when a man is very much in love – he will get to a stage where he needs to do this.

(Sure, a man in love can usually spend more time with you before he needs to pull away; but each man is unique and each moment is also unique.)

However, having a man pull away doesn’t mean your man isn’t in love with you – sometimes the more in love he is, the more he realises that he needs to feel like he is enough through his goals, missions and passions.

So it’s important for us women to realise the truth which is…

Your man will pull away at some point.

Of course, this does not mean your relationship is doomed – quite the contrary. When he pulls away, or withdraws from the relationship, is the exact time that you get your ‘make-or break’ moment to show and prove your value as a woman in the relationship.

Because no man wants to give up his freedom and masculine missions in fear that he has a woman who will restrict him and pull him back.

I only say this because most of us (myself included) have a tendency to respond with fear and neediness when he pulls away.

(Look, there are good survival and protective reasons for us doing this – and there’s really nothing wrong with becoming needy and fearful when he pulls away, you just need to be aware that it can strip value from the “relationship bank”.)

Every time you respond in fear; there’s a chance that you’re stripping value from your man and from the relationship. This is not something for you to fear… this is just something for you to understand, and even appreciate.

None of this will change the truth of how you feel when he pulls away, though: when he withdraws – it hurts.

It’s real pain. Wouldn’t you agree?

You may not say it, but it hurts. You may get angry. Sad. You may feel unloved. You no longer feel like the princess that he once treated you as.

Whatever your experiences may have been… do not make your feelings wrong.

That’s right… do NOT make your feelings wrong

Because if we as women have become attached or connected to a man, or if a man has any value to us, then we naturally become irrationally afraid that his withdrawal from the relationship could (key word: could) mean:

1: He might sleep with other women and all his resources will go to the other woman. (Which of course is not always true! It certainly happens but is usually much less common than what we women tend to think…)

2: That he may never come back, and to a woman’s primitive brain, this could mean that she might not survive.

…And hey, let’s be honest here. Sometimes, going through the pain of a man pulling away really can feel like we might die (that’s how intense our feelings can become)– so we try to resist the pain and perhaps get angry at him or beg him to stay.

In other words, acting out of our own fears.

And 3: A man pulling away could mean that she has just realised that she had been used (perhaps it was only a casual sex situation or that he got what he wanted and now she will never see the man again).

(If you want to hear my thoughts on casual sex, see my series on The Secret Cost for Women When They Have Casual Sex. The link is also available at the end of this post.)

So how we do show up in a high value way despite the fear?

What can we as women do about this, and how can we show up as a feminine yet high value woman in those fearful moments?

Well before I address that, I want you to consider this first…
Think about when you’re in a relationship and you feel kind of suffocated…That’s the stress levels going up from too much closeness.

This ‘too much closeness’ happens much sooner for men than for women when in the context of emotional bonding. I am talking about emotional bonding here, so keep that in mind.

(This does not mean that us women don’t also feel suffocated at times, of course we do!)

What happens is, as men get closer in a relationship and things are going well, the oxytocin levels go up in his body as they start bonding…. Then men will tend to want to pull away in order to rebuild their testosterone levels through their masculine missions.

(As their oxytocin levels go up, their testosterone levels go down and this can cause a lot of stress for men with a strong sense of mission in his life.)

Because let’s think about it from the man’s perspective for a moment… it is OFTEN through a man’s masculine missions that he is able to provide and bring resources to the table. That’s how he gets to feel like a man.

So him pulling away could have real positive intent. I want you really understand this.

Your man pulling away could have real positive intent.

But for us women, it’s harder to relate to that because our default is to stay in relationship mode, we truly feel at home in relationship and connecting… (At least when we’re living in our feminine energy.)

…So from our feminine perspective, we get confused, and we may ask questions from our own feminine brain like…

“Why are you pulling away? Why didn’t you call? What’s going on?”

“Do you not LOVE me anymore?”

The problem here is that men and women are hardwired completely differently. Sure, we are all human. There are aspects that make all of us human.

But there are also elements that make us completely different, like the fact that most of us women see the world through our own feminine filters and it’s not so easy to understand a man’s masculine behaviour through our own filters.

Because what is intuitive to a man in a relationship is not what is intuitive to a woman.

What is intuitive to a man in a relationship is not what is intuitive to a woman

What is intuitive to a man, can be completely foreign to us as women. And so a man withdrawing can cause us uncertainty and sometimes even suffering.

I was speaking to my husband David the other week, and he brought something up that was like an absolute “Ah-HAH” or a breakthrough for him, but to me as a woman, that breakthrough that he had was …almost commonsense.

It was something that was obviously intuitive for me as a woman, but it wasn’t for him.

I was all like ‘Haha, have you been living under a rock?!’

Yet, if I was to go to my girlfriends and bring that particular thing up; they’d get it… in a heartbeat.

Truth is, there are SO many of these little breakthroughs David and I have all the time about each other, about the opposite sex, about love and relationships…

Because we are different creatures. What is intuitive for him can be counter intuitive or even foreign to me.

… and get this, we’ve been picking each others’ brain and teaching this stuff for almost decade!

Our pain and suffering is dictated by our feminine meaning…

However, a man withdrawing from the relationship doesn’t have to cause you that suffering. Your suffering comes from the meaning you give it when a man withdraws.

The meaning we give an event changes everything. And a bad meaning can sometimes come from a lack of understanding of men.

We as women can give it a different meaning, which would lead to us having a totally different experience.

(Of course, simpler said than done.)

By having a greater understanding of men and their masculine world, then we are able to create better meaning and have the ability to show up with more confidence and more intrinsic value.

Remember, the reason why you were probably attracted to that man in the first place was his masculine energy, masculine presence and direction.

If you had a feminine man, would you still be attracted to him?

To help you understand why, let me ask you a few questions:

How would you feel if you were around a man who was highly emotional? For example: he was able to cry at the drop of a hat, and feel all “lovey-dovey” with you almost every day?

…He is so emotional that he melts like butter. Imagine him being incredibly relaxed and wanting to talk and connect with you all the time.

How would you feel around a man like this?

You may think ‘oh my goodness – I would LOVE if my man would do this!’

Yes, you may – for a couple of days. Eventually, whether you like it or not – you’ll start to lose attraction for him. And you may even be disgusted by him.

In your feminine heart of hearts, you wouldn’t want a man who’s more emotional than you, now would you?

What I am trying to suggest is that a man needs to pull away in order to be the man you are so attracted to. If he didn’t pull away, you’d be much more repelled by him.

(Also, don’t forget that the more time you spend together with a man, the more alike you will become, and the less intense the attraction will be over time. But that’s a topic for another day.)

The masculine feminine polarity is why you have attraction in the first place

Although you get scared or confused when he does suddenly withdraw, you also get a chance to see that he is, in fact, a real man.

If he wasn’t living his masculine core, you’d probably lose attraction for him over time.

It’s because you won’t be feeling his masculine energy. It’s because you no longer feel polarized by him and his energy.

So as a result, you may feel like you’re in a relationship with one of your girlfriends! (You don’t want your man to be like one of your girlfriends!)

In fact, the reason you were attracted to a man in the first place was largely to do with the masculine energy he gave out. His presence, his strength, intelligence, his sense of humor, his potential to be a good provider, etc….this is all happening naturally, sometimes without you being aware of it.

We want to be in a relationship with a man, but when a man acts differently than we do, we get all hurt, confused and worried.

Sometimes, a relationship and emotional bonding can feel like a burden to a man. note: this doesn’t mean that you are a burden, this means that the emotional bonding and the stress of being in a very committed relationship can feel like a burden to a man.

Even if at the same time, it is really the only thing that gives a man that feeling of being alive (a feeling he cannot get when he is alone, without you).

How interesting!

Here are 2 positive things about when a man pulls away

Instead of seeing your man pull away as a crisis, let’s look at this as an opportunity. Let’s look at what you can gain from these moments…

When your man pulls away from the relationship, you get an incredible opportunity to:

1: Prove your high value as a woman and trigger his attraction for you even more; and

2: Grow as a woman, and appreciate his masculinity.

Because all men want a woman who shows up as high value and all men want a woman who doesn’t judge him for being a man, but rather understands and appreciates his perspective, struggles and fears.

And as he recognises how amazingly different you are to other women, he will be inspired to reciprocate, wanting to understand you and appreciate you.

I have put together some special resources for how to stay high value when he pulls away – just click here. (Link available at end of article too)

So what does your man really want from YOU when he pulls away?

Above all else, he wants to feel like he has a high value woman, waiting when he comes back.

(Unfortunately, a lot of people frown upon the idea of ‘waiting’ when he comes back these days…it’s as if this kind of loyalty is mistakenly seen as a sign of weakness. Well let me tell you, loyalty to a good man is not weakness).

So…the key is to keep your high value. In spite the confusion or the fear.

How do you do that? You show that you are still loyal to him when you feel fearful – that you can stick around with an open heart, and be open instead of closed off emotionally.

Unfortunately, most women kind of do the opposite…they don’t show that they will be there emotionally for a man.

Staying High Value does not mean to act perfect or happy.

It simply means not disconnecting deliberately, cutting him out emotionally or pulling yourself away from the relationship.

Staying High Value also means to not shut off to your own deep desire for connection – a lot of women push this down and it causes them to shut off, and close off, and this scares a man deep down inside.

So how DO you show him that you are still loyal and high value?

Well, you must get yourself into an emotionally resourceful place before you do ANYTHING at all. So to get to an emotionally resourceful place the first thing to do is to breathe and keep breathing, and go to a safe place and let your feelings be felt.

When you’re sure that you feel more empty of your hurricane of feelings, then follow these guidelines.

Leave him alone.

You can be sad, and you can miss him, but don’t act out of fear. Stay open and understand that whatever he is doing, there is a reason for it, even if you don’t understand it right now.

Before you do this, I want you to remember that the point is not to just leave him and that’s it! The point is to give him his freedom whilst still loving him and not shutting down or closing off to him.

This is not to say that you are not allowed to have feelings – of course you are.

Just be ready to own your feelings even if it means you cry when you see him. If he is not comfortable with your feelings, that is when you need to be the most comfortable with your own feelings first.

Tell him it is okay, that you just feel a little sad, and that kind of thing happens from time to time, that he has done nothing wrong, and that all will be okay.

I also need to tell you that you ARE allowed to hate him, miss him, love him, hate yourself, hate all of this, want to give up when he pulls away…all of that. It is okay to experience all of that. Just don’t blame him or intentionally want to make him feel bad about himself.

You have to allow yourself to feel everything!

You just have to actually allow yourself to feel everything; and not resist feeling it by criticising him, cutting him off, giving him the silent treatment, or being passive aggressive.

It’s you resisting yourself and resisting him being a man – that will cause more damage than anything else! Because it’s when you resist yourself and you don’t allow yourself to feel, that
all connection and hope is lost.

When he does come back to the relationship, receive him openly.

Does that mean acting happy? Nope. It means to not be in fear, but to stay connected to him even if he isn’t doing what you want him to do. It means opening your heart and opening your mind and forming a connection in the moment with him.

This doesn’t make you a woman who is being used by her man. It means you care about him enough to give him his freedom, and at the same time, not withdraw love.

If something is truly wrong and he is not the right man for you, you are much more likely to find out when you are open to connecting with him than when you are cutting him off, acting like you don’t need him, or punishing him.

A good way of successfully completing this step is simply to remind yourself to breathe, and breathe through your fear.

If you ever get too stressed out of your mind…

And if all of this stresses you out beyond your ability to cope, then ask yourself:

“Do I really want to be in a relationship with another woman? Or do I want to be in a relationship with a MAN?”

The more you fear his need for freedom, the more I want you to remember that this is your chance to bring you and your man closer, cultivate more emotional attraction and deepen the connection and commitment.
You see, the truth is that if you show up as a high value woman, and you’re happy giving a man his gift of freedom, then he’s going to truly come back to the relationship stronger with more to offer you.

Does that make sense?

Alright – If you want a deeper understanding (…perhaps step by step guidance) on how you can show up as a high value woman when your man pulls away, then I have the perfect thing for you.

I’ve put together the perfect resource for you to be able to show up as a high value feminine woman whenever your man pulls away and withdraws so that you can feel confident in knowing that you’re doing the right thing…

Click here to learn more insights about how to stay high value when your man pulls away…

Ok, that’s all from me, as always, I’m sending you all the love from my heart, wherever you are.

I’ll talk to you soon.

P.S. Remember to never make your feelings wrong or push them down. Your feelings are incredibly powerful and they are indeed here to serve you. It’s really just about having a deeper understanding and deeper appreciation of this situation so that you can use your emotions to serve rather than to sabotage. Continue reading about these here…

P.P.S. Leave me your thoughts, feelings and stories below… sometimes we learn the most from each others experiences and stories. So feel free to share your story too!

See other related articles…

More resources on staying high value when he pulls away…

The Very Real Pain of When Men Pull Away

Think casual sex is harmless? Think again.

How to Talk to a Man in a Way that Won’t Make him Pull Away and Go Cold

The Secret Cost for Women When They Have Casual Sex (PART 1)

 

  • Lisa Dale Nunberg

    I think this is what happened with my boyfriend. I felt several times that he was about to tell me he loves me, then he asked me to move in with him
    …then he disappeared…. What happened here?!
    Well, I freaked out and told him I understood his backing off as a breakup and that the door is still open and I would love to hear from him at some point…. Did I ruin it by assuming it was a breakup?
    Its been 10 days….thoughts??
    Help please!

    • Jacques

      Lisa Actually he freaked out, because his freedom felt threatened by the thought of being in a committed relationship. The other thing you may experience with a man is when they do the “Rubber band man” thing, which means they are falling in love with you. The more you chase them during this time the more they pull away because there is a lack of tension. I just recommend you just go about your day to day life while he’s away, and if you do decide to contact him just ask how he’s doing and don’t bring up the moving in together thing or the love thing. Assuming it is a break up is inaccurate and he’ll follow your lead there. Men take things literally so be careful what you say, most men haven’t been socialized to understand that a woman’s emotions change often and they when they emote they are being indirect in the meaning, where as you said he backing off is a breakup, because the emotion is to express confusion to him, he won’t read between the lines and see that you are confused by his actions, he’ll just see that she’s trying to control me by giving me an ultimatum and an all or nothing demand is what he heard by the thing you said. Hope this helps.

      • Lisa Dale Nunberg

        Jacques, that you so much for the reply! However, it’s going on 4 weeks now and I still haven’t heard from him. I haven’t reached out at all since the aforementioned “freak out” and I just don’t think he’s coming back. It hurts, what do you think?

        • Jacques

          You’re welcome glad I can help. 4 weeks is nothing, I’ve been apart from some women due to life happening for 20 years, and I’d still date them, once I have an emotional connection to a woman it remains. I’d reach out to him and take responsibility only for what you said and have done, not his behavior. Moving in together is a big deal for some men, it means change and for many change is not comfortable. I think if you let him know that perhaps you think that he should take things slower and that moving in is a big deal and can be scary he may find that you are empathetic to his plight. Renee has a link to another article of hers on how to talk to a man so he doesn’t pull away here: http://www.thefemininewoman.com/2012/04/talk-to-man-so-wont-pull-away-or-go-cold/
          I really think there is a disconnect in terms of image of mind of each of you, you want to progress the relationship further and he wants to do that too, however, the thought of being that close and not having space or a place to escape to when he’s dealing with strong emotions, may actually be upsetting him. Do contact him, just keep it light and friendly, no pressure and do your upmost to understand him.

          • Lisa Dale Nunberg

            So I actually did text him yesterday. It was very light hearted and friendly, I said no hope he’s doing great and that I had a dream about him that made me smile. I didn’t ask any questions, I didn’t send a text that required a respi se, but I’m surprised I didn’t hear from him. I don’t think I’m going to hear from him again.

            • Jacques

              Lisa honey, you’re rewarding him for his behavior and not addressing the truth here, he backed away, you got hurt, you made an assumption and those are the facts. Telling him you had a dream about him only appeals to women, unless it involved sex then he might be interested. I think you’re playing small and taking responsibility for his feelings and blaming yourself. I think doing this is going to hurt your self esteem, and I will as a man tell you directly stop giving up your power to anyone. Do by all means show him how competent you are and address the issue without anger, keep it on topic and light and friendly, without apology, because he made the first move to pull away you didn’t sabotage anything and you are not to blame here, he has to be held accountable for his actions and learn to deal with the consequences, that’s part of growing up.

              • Lisa Dale Nunberg

                I totally agree. What should even be said? Do you think I should contact him again at this point??

                • Jacques

                  What really needs to be said is how you really feel, perhaps you’re feeling disrespected and hurt, you can tell him that by saying… “Insert name, I feel disrespected and hurt when you pull away and disappear. I get that moving in together is a big step and could make you feel uneasy about it, and that’s perfectly normal, in fact I’m nervous too. I want to hear from you with in a week.” That’s all that needs to be said. If he doesn’t contact you after you’ve told him how you feel and empathized with him and how he feels and made a request for contact within a reasonable time frame, then by all means move on. It’s possible he not ready to commit and the more you play small the more he’s going to disrespect you and take you for granted, just because he’s scared of losing his freedom or autonomy does not give him a license to ghost you. Now if you haven’t told me everything and you did some things such as making demands or mistreating him in any way then you’ll need to make amends because he’s likely feeling dejected and not wanting to commit to you fully as he’s having reservations. There’s nothing wrong with being emotional however projecting those negative emotions could spell poison for a relationship.

                • Lisa Dale Nunberg

                  No, there’s nothing else. The situation literally is this simple. I just sent him a messgae, we will see if he replies. I’m not expecting him to, but we will see. I think this entire situation is shitty and very hurtful. I’m 31 years old and far too old to be dealing with this nonsense. Thank you so much Jacques, I appreciate it so much.

                • Jacques

                  You’re welcome Lisa. I’m glad I could be of help to you. I’m curious about something though. Is there a chance that you might be defensive often or distrustful of men in general? I do have a point by asking this.

                • Lisa Dale Nunberg

                  Yes, definitely.

                • Jacques

                  Ok so that clears things up more for me. What’s he’s doing is totally natural, mainly because he doesn’t want to move in with a man and doesn’t want to profess his love to a man, point is, when a woman becomes defensive, conflicted, or distrustful, she’s putting off masculine energy and a man will be turned off and will become more masculine and pull away. He may want sex from you and that is only because he’s visual, you look like a woman yet he can’t quite put his finger on why there’s something about you that makes him push pull or waffle on his commitment to you. I bet if you asked him if he finds you to be a bit defensive, or distrustful, I think you may get a resounding yes from him, basically it’s like you saying come here, but don’t get close.

                • Lisa Dale Nunberg

                  That was a bit much Jacques, but thanks anyway. Regardless of why, I’m past the point of blaming myself for his immaturity in handling a situation. He’s the one that brought it up and he’s the one that disappeared. I feel you may be over stepping a little.
                  No one can make anyone else do anything, we all control our words and actions. He chose his actions and I’m left to pick up the heartache. Thanks anyway, your words were hurtful.

                • Jacques

                  Not blaming anyone here. Your feelings are valid. My point is the same thing that Renee would tell you, defensiveness and distrust or avoidance of intimacy are masculine traits and it’s something that men do, so if you are doing these things, the key here is to stop doing it. It seems counter intuitive but it’s true, masculine attracts feminine and feminine energy is open and flowing not closed and defensive. I’m not talking about control either that’s a man thing too, or words or actions either, it’s an internal thing a personal growth thing and something that you will have to be willing to work on if you want the commitment you really want. I’m not saying you didn’t choose an immature man, maybe you did and as such it could be your compass needs to be calibrated so you attract that kind of love you want and deserve. You are a desirable woman, I can see that easily, but I think you may be getting in your own way. You may email Renee if you don’t choose to believe me, I’m very intuitive for a man, most men can’t describe this to you.

                  Marni Battista says the same thing here: http://dwdjv.com/c/s/s4U/645tL/v/pL/pfB/6L6FPC/fYB5QQT0K

                • Lisa Dale Nunberg

                  I believe you, for sure. Its something I’m aware of and am working on. I’ve gotten MUCH better over the last couple of years, but in this instance, I fail to see what I did wrong and I’ve been told by very trusted individuals that I did nothing wrong.
                  So, I’m not sure what’s going to happen, it is hurtful, to say the least as I’ve already mentioned… But, at the end of the day, I know its him choosing to ghost….I took your advice and sent that text, but I feel like its falling on blind eyes and deaf ears. C’est la vie…lessons learned I suppose. It was kind of quick he asked me to move in, we had been friends for about 3 months and in a relationship for less than 1 month.

                • Jacques

                  I agree you didn’t do anything wrong and I wasn’t trying to give you that impression, I was talking about mode of being, however after learning that this guy was moving so fast to lock you down shows me a big red flag, guys that do that don’t have other options and lack confidence, however some couple know what they want and move quickly and some move very slowly and 2 years of dating to me seems normal to make such a commitment of living together or even marrying.
                  Although it felt good perhaps to have him move things forward and desire to commit, I think this maybe where you felt nervous and may have recoiled a bit internally thanks to your intuition, which he picked up on and pulled away, perhaps when he realized that you found him out, however I think you have a big heart and as long as he was honest in his words and actions would of given him the benefit of the doubt.
                  I don’t think he’s a bad guy just that he may have self esteem and self worth challenges and may have put you on an idolized pedestal, to which he’s accepting his fantasy of you and not you which would lead to him feeling disappointed when he found out you’re a real woman and not something pulled out from a magazine. I don’t think that that’s fair to do that to you, and would show me that he didn’t love and accept you for you, which would lead to you getting your heart broken badly some time later, I think you dodged a bullet. I get that it hurts you, you had high hopes he’d be the one, but I think it’s better to learn things sooner rather than later. I really don’t see where you are any less than desirable and enough. Personal growth is a big deal for me so seeing that you are working on yourself, makes you even more desirable in my mind, it’s a values match for me. That’s a good thing. 🙂
                  Vulnerability is hard for many of us to do, it’s a chance we take that puts us face to face with our deepest fears. I’ve learned over the years that it’s a good thing to be vulnerable and tell our truth to others, it’s actually empowering when we find that were empathized with and accepted.
                  The reason I can relate to your story is that it’s happened to me with women. In my last relationship, I was flaked on and then in the end threatened. What I think was happening was that my GF at the time saw me as amazing and she may have felt inferior or had her own challenge with self worth which lead to her always being aloof, I went to see her the year before we last spoke, plans were laid out, I sent her my itinerary and flew to see her, I tried for 4 days to get her to reply to my emails, and the following Monday I let her know I was leaving for home because she didn’t show up. She cursed me for it, and told me her Grand Father had died over the weekend, but I knew it was an excuse because I had just seen him on that Saturday before leaving. We didn’t talk much after that until I told her I try again to come see her in August, where as she went on vacation with her GF, leaving me hanging again. That hurt, then when she returned home in October she said she had lost her dog, so I went all out contact people in her area and gave her an idea on how to find her dog, in November since not finding the dog I told her I wanted to come again and see if I could find the dog, after much arguing and her telling me, not to come as she would come see me, which was out of context the dog wasn’t lost near me. I laid off and in late January sent her a V-day gift which she said her father threw everything away and we were just friends and that if I write to her again she’d denounce me to the police, so I haven’t talked to her in 2 years because of that freak out and threat. Three months after she said that, she posted a photo of the boxing gloves and hand wraps I sent her, in a heart shape but because of that threat, I still didn’t contact her, so that’s my story and I spent the last 2 years trying to figure it out.
                  I don’t know if your BF has contacted you or not yet, it’s possible he will or maybe he won’t. However going forward I think it’s OK for you to continue to work on your challenges and see them as opportunities for growth and when you’re growing your living and that’s attractive. The other idea I had here is that if you and he live near each other and have mutual friends ask them how he is just I case there has been an accident and that’s why he doesn’t contact you, just to be sure were not jumping to conclusions. If that doesn’t work or can’t then take a GF with you and pay him a visit just to see him face to face, driving by his house everyday would be stalking, but genuine concern for his well being and checking on him is cool. If he isn’t so welcoming or warm ask him what’s up and to not be afraid to be honest.

                • Jacques

                  Lisa I actually replied to this the next day after you wrote and I apologize for it not showing up. I have no idea what happened however I’m glad I checked back here for replies. Anyhow, your feelings are still valid and I don’t think you did anything wrong either I’m not into blaming anyone, the whole blame game thing is co-dependency, also he’s not to blame here either. Point being in light of new information I don’t retract what I said, it too was valid. As of now armed with this new information you gave me about the time line of your relationship with your S.O. I do see a potential red flag but not a negative one, but an opportunity for growth here. When I guy tries to lock a woman down by way of moving fast such as making babies before he’s ready to be a father or moving in together or getting married suddenly before knowing another person this tells me he idealizes you and holds you on a pedestal. As good and romantic as this seems it creates the problem of disillusionment and later break up or divorce if you two were to get married.
                  Now it might seem counter intuitive to contact him again if he’s not in contact with you, however the point here is that in the past contact we weren’t addressing the issue. The issue here to me is that he’s scared of losing you and ultimately confirmed it in his own mind by you asking if it was a break up when he disappeared, this being dumped thing probably has happened to him before and often it’s due to lack of intimate communication, he probably doesn’t discuss his fears with you, and his trying to move quickly to move in together, seems overly confident and a bit foolish on his part, 3 months should be the milestone of forming a relationship not really moving in together, that can wait and he needs to have that pressure taken off him and let him know that you are not going to break up with him because he got scared, and the reason I’m saying this is that he seems like a nice guy and could use some empathy and compassion for being human and you are the single most important person to express that to him which puts you in the top 1% of women that can do that for a man, he’ll feel safe and he’ll establish trust more in you and stick around because he feels safe with his best friend and girl friend, two roles you need to play in his life.
                  I don’t know if he contacted you or not, but if he hasn’t do contact him or have a GF of yours go with you to see him to just make sure he’s alright, and keep in mind he too will be on high alert and a bit defensive so try to be vulnerable to lead by example and he can mirror your body language and mode of being.

                • Butterfly Queen

                  I think calling him to say that you are unsure where your relationship stands but that you would like to talk and the door is still open for him.

  • Thomson Shellie

    Please tell me what to do my husband is very critical on me and asks me to do so much, I normally do it, but he just keeps piling on more. We separated about 3 years ago because he developed an emotional connection with another woman, we he has not stopped talking to I’ve told him if he wants to explore his options he can just not while he’s with me, I’ve talked to him about it before when he was being too flirty with her talking about Cumming together. I told him how it hurts me, but whenever they respond a rough patch in our relationship he will go to her. I try to understand him but I’m more now just fed up with it since he spends more time and goes more out of his way for this woman and his friends, he still does nice things for me, buys groceries for our kids, help me get my car fixed, but what do I do? Any suggestions

  • Thomson Shellie

    Please tell me what to do my husband is very critical on me and asks me to do so much, I normally do it, but he just keeps piling on more. We separated about 3 years ago because he developed an emotional connection with another woman, he has not stopped talking to her I’ve told him if he wants to explore his options he can, just not while he’s with me, I’ve talked to him about it before when he was being too flirty with her talking about Cumming together. I told him how it hurts me, but whenever we have a rough patch in our relationship he will go to her. I try to understand him but I’m more now just fed up with it since he spends more time and goes more out of his way for this woman and his friends, he still does nice things for me, buys groceries for our kids, help me get my car fixed, but what do I do? This is a picture of the sex cam girl.

  • Adam

    I think many people are getting this article mixed up with relationship problems bordering on breakups, but I think the real aim of this article was meant to be applied to stable relationships and the day to day interactions with your SO, not referring to “breaks” in a relationship. As a married man I can say that this article hits the nail on the head, I adore my wife but by the time I’ve worked a full week, dealt with the various issues life throws at you daily, worked on the honey do list, and who knows what else every week, I am in desperate need of some “me” time to unwind. I usually spend a Friday or Saturday night, once she is tired or in bed, in solitude (reading, games, tv etc.) However it has been EXCEPTIONALLY difficult to get across to her that this withdrawal is not in any way a desire to get away from her in particular, simply a way to get away from the stresses in life for a bit and center myself. Because men (at least myself) tend to get horribly stressed out and time to do our own thing goes a long way toward having the emotional energy to give our significant other more (because we simply don’t have as much of it as you ladies do and we perceive the world differently) However when we are attacked or punished for doing this it will absolutely cause resentment and that is where we begin to pull away even more, because yes there is nothing more aggravating than not being able to do what you want to do as a grown man (or knowing that it will result in some icy cold behavior) I personally don’t mind one bit if my wife wants to go do something with her friends or be alone, and I would never dream of telling her she can’t or treat her differently or unkindly simply because she needed some “girl” time. All that to say this article is spot on, don’t punish us ladies, we really are doing what feels natural and what helps us feel BEST so that we can be the best, for you all.

  • Gesamtzusammenhang

    I’m a male, and stumbled on this post after looking into a few relationship things. It’s an interesting perspective. Some of the wording is vague (“masculine ‘energy'”; “freedom”), but I think it’s onto something. The scientific portion could have been better developed. I suspect that women have a simplistic idea of male biology, simply because it seems straightforward and less complex than their own.

    Among other things, testosterone regulates mood, emotion, and boosts esteem and confidence. It’s not that women are more emotional – both genders have the same repertoire of emotions (although there is strong evidence, based on the fact that the male hypothalamus is 2.2 times larger than the females’, that men are capable of greater emotional intensity than women). It’s that women have lower levels of testosterone (it’s still present in small amounts), which would otherwise temper their reactions to events or stimuli.

    Testosterone levels drop during a relationship, especially for men that become fathers. The evolutionary reason for this is that testosterone assists in the competition for females. If you already have someone you’ve reproduced with, you’ve grown somewhat removed from the competition. But the blowback for losing testosterone is immediate: less mood regulation, depression, loss of confidence, and feelings of lost adequacy (this is men’s health 101). It’s not necessarily that men are loath to commit, it’s that commitment may make us feel like our very being is in a process of erosion. In such a case, Renee would be correct to point out that this process is completely independent from whether or not a man is in love with you. You can be in love with someone, and still feel like your mind is in turmoil.

  • Stewart Moir

    I’m a guy and reading this kinda helped me answer some questions I had about my own actions. Thanks!

  • Squidday

    Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can only stretch so far before they come springing back.

    Sometimes men need to take a step back for a while. There’s every possibility that it has nothing to do with you. Although if it feels like he’s completely lost interest, I recommend checking out Slade Shaw’s guide. He basically goes into the male psychology on why men lose interest and how to make him stay in love. Really interesting stuff. Here’s direct a link to his video/guide: tinyurl.com/SladesVideo

    My advice would be try not to take it personally. (Easier said than done I know!)

    • CocoLena

      Love the rubber band metaphor! And thank you for the great share Squidday.

      • Jo

        But what if you feel like he’s cheating on you? Cause you find him saying he needs space and he talks to other women about our relationship and recently I found an email from enquiringly about a sex party. He denied everything. I know he’s stressed but how am I give him space when I don’t trust him?

        • ADB227

          I think what is mixing is the context. If he is just kind of doing his thing for a few days, that is a different feeling than ignoring you completely and just dropping in whenever he desires.
          It is ok to say how you feel, using “i feel” expressions, and set some boundaries.
          They might not be women, but we aren’t doormats.
          Space is good, games are games.
          I like to ask if this behavior is the norm, then I am asking about the behavior , so it doesn’t feel like an attack.
          If he wants more space than you want to give, you also have the option to keep “your” options open.
          We aren’t love slaves. 🙂

        • Villager

          Stop it! Men don’t cheat. They simply look for better sex wherever it can be found. This cannot be negotiated. When any woman does not know how to manage a man sexually, she makes him a prey of the other woman waiting to manage him well if she is more knowledgeable in the game..

          • H S

            More like you’re both wrong.

  • Optimistic85

    Hi Renee,
    I agree with your article and am trying to do point number 1 at the moment and I definitely do feel less worry than I would do normally. I think I understand why the guy I’m dating is pulling away, as we were very close at the weekend and I could kinda feel that it was too much for him even though he was enjoying it. He refused my last date request and now I haven’t heard from him in 2 days, he normally contacts me every day. I’m leaving him alone but how long does it have to be till it turns from giving him space to he’s no longer interested. If I haven’t heard from him in a week, I won’t be able to help but feel rejected. Feeling confused. If you could shed some light on this that would be great. 🙂 Thanks.

  • Yasashii

    I started dating AJ 6 weeks ago.. We instantly connected physically and mentally. His career requires a lot of his time that it’s very unpredictable when he can go home everyday. Sometimes he comes home at 2am. And trust is not the issue. I trust him. He often tells me that he hasn’t been this much open to anyone, that he never thought he can be this close so quickly because he never had a real connection since 8 years ago. Therefore , we hangout on weekends. I go to his place since he lives in NY and me in NJ 🙁
    5 weeks into dating, he have me driving his car, ez pass and all so it’ll be easier and less expensive for us to see each other..
    This weekend Friday we had a great date, I went to work the next day then called him to see if he wants to hang out again…
    He asked if he could take this weekend to himself to get back to his own space.
    I flipped out and have him an attitude.. I confused and feel like he’s pushing me away. He did admit he feels like this is too much for him. I asked him if he wants to break up, he said he’s doing the opposite. I’m not comfortable w this and I’m beginning to feel that we are just not on the same page.
    I need an opinion.

  • Coco Lee

    How do i know he really needs a break or it’s just a way to break up

    • ADB227

      This is one piece of advice that is very “iffy” –
      I like progressive men, and I refuse to deal with this.
      Yes, I can understand if there are a few days where you don’t say much to each other, but to completely ignore someone sporadically, for ‘whatever’ reason is rude and controlling. Do you want to spend years feeling like you are disposable?
      Man cave issues are more about a short length of time, but keeping in touch still.
      Not completely “gone” for a few days at a time.
      Think how they would react if we did this.
      They would be very worried!
      Get some guy who values ‘you’, and will at the least give you a heads up.
      I don’t know any successful or confident woman who would deal with that crap.
      Just my opinion 🙂
      (if you think they want “space”, turn it around on them and tell them “you” want space … watch how quick they “get it”.)

  • If I could give one big piece of advice it would be when a man pulls away, try not to take it personally. Believe me, I know this is way easier said than done. Everything is going great, you start to think this guy could be the one and then boom, he disappears for what seems to be no apparent reason.

    If you can relate to this, it probably isn’t your fault. Although it’s impossible to give an exact reason why he pulled away, most of the time it’s his own personal issue’s.

    If it’s really bugging you, there’s an amazing guide by Slade Shaw. He shows you why men lose interest and how to stop him from wanting to pull away. Here is a direct link to his video and guide: tinyurl.com/WhyMenPull

  • Amber Gregory.

    Hello my name is Amber. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a long time. We have been arguing lately alot. Being a women and all it hurts when he pulls away in these moments. Hes been going through a rough patch in his life and he used to talk to me and come to me for help but not anymore. He pushes me away in these times. I understand its hard for a man to be emotional with someone but it sucks for me. I hate seeing him unhappy and i would like to just make him happy. He pulls away and tells me he loves me but i would think you would go to someone you love for comfort instead of pulling away, guys are so confusing.

  • dianna faber

    I am Dianna from Michigan, i was in a serious relationship with my Ex
    Boyfriend for three good years.. One day we were in a dinner party, we
    had a
    little misunderstanding which lead to a Quarrel and he stood up and left
    me at the dinner party. i try to call him but he was not picking my
    calls so after than i contacted my brother and told him about it,my
    brother had to see him on my behalf,he told my
    brother that it is over between us.. Then i contacted a friend of mine
    that once had a similar problem and she directed me to one of the
    spiritual diviner (rasheedtemple@gmail.com).at first i thought it was
    not going to be possible and i contacted him i was ask to come up with a
    little requirement,so i did what i was ask to do, after 2 days i was in
    my office when my Boyfriend called me and was asking me to forgive him and
    come back to him. i was very surprise it was like a dream to me,so ever
    since we have been happily married with one kid my lovely
    baby(Ceslav)…you can contact this great spell caster with name Dr Rasheed from India through his email at( rasheedtemple@gmail.com )i wish you the best of luck……………………..

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