At the beginning, he comes on strong – he pursues you relentlessly, buys you gifts, compliments you, plans dates and outings, makes an effort to make you feel special….and then, months down the track; it stops. He pulls away.

He stops complimenting you and starts to seem distant, he says he’s ‘too busy’ or ‘under a lot of stress’, he stops planning things and even becomes more passive, or says he’s not sure about his feelings for you, and goes hot and cold.

Now, this is not the path every man/woman relationship always takes, but it is certainly the same path many women have had to go through.

So –

What on earth happened?

When a different part of him surfaces…

You probably feel confused, unloved, ‘duped’, and you probably have other men who are willing to give you attention, right? So why does this man – whom things were so great with at the beginning – suddenly seem like a completely different person?

Well, it’s partly because he has become a different person, and so have you. (Click here to take the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

Here is what happened:

When we are in lust, or even when we fall in love at the beginning of a relationship, our instincts are at work – a primitive part of the brain, a part that some call the ‘lizard brain’. This is the part of the brain that is in every living creature – of course, reptiles included. It’s there to help us survive. Survival is paramount, for this part of our brain, and so is baby making.

When you are very attracted to someone at the beginning, you (and them) subconsciously put out the ‘best’ parts of yourself, whether you like it or not. At this stage, you are driven by your instincts. At this stage, the man claims he loves babies, children and prams, and the woman is crazy about the man, wants sex a lot, and is far easier to make happy.

What happens when a man and a woman fall in love

Here’s an interesting conclusion from a recent study:

When men fall in love, their testosterone levels lower. However, when women fall in love, their testosterone levels are increased (creating more equal testosterone levels in the man and the woman) and because of this, at this early stage of the relationship, men and women differ far less than they normally would in their behaviour and interactions.

So what does this tell you?

It tells you that after a few months, even 3-9 months, your instincts aren’t such a strong driving force anymore, and the other parts of your personality as well as the other parts of your man start to surface.

We aren’t putting on our best show anymore. And not only that – but because your behaviour and your biochemistry starts to become more and more different after the initial period, he (the man) starts to meet a resistance (which I will talk more about below).

And, we might like to think that we can control this kind of thing, and not be ‘phony’ at the start – but a lot of the workings of the lizard brain occur without us having any control over it.

I’ll give you an example.

Have you ever promised yourself you would do NEVER do something EVER again, like, say, never lose your temper with your man again, or never eat a chocolate candy bar again, and then….ultimately, you do?

And after you do it, you think “hang on, what am I doing? Didn’t I promise myself I wasn’t going to do that?!!”

Of course you have!

We all have.

This is the subconscious part of your brain simply going for what feels great in the moment. Kind of like getting a quick fix in the moment of an emotional difficulty.

How and why a man’s behavior changes after spending some months with you

So what happens is that over time, in your relationship with a man, even thought things seem so great in the beginning, over time, as your instincts are no longer such an enormous drive (of course, your instincts still drive you a lot, just less so than when you were first driven by intense lust and attraction), it becomes much harder for the man to make the woman happy. You become far less easy to make happy.

It’s harder for him to WIN with you.

At least it feels that way to him, because now you’ve got reality to deal with.

And – now you are both seeing the other parts of each other. Not just the ‘Mr Perfect’ you saw at the beginning and not just the ‘Little Miss Perfect’ YOU!

Because NOW, it’s not new anymore, maybe those feel-good brain chemicals are not running like mad, and now you actually have to work at it – which is a hard reality to deal with, for many.

Even if you truly have good intentions, and want to work on something – it’s hard to know what to do.

And it’s hard for a man to know what to do!

Click here to know how to stay high value when he pulls away

Since a man wants to make you happy (this need is at the core of him), this is like a blow to the guts for many men, and they may get confused, withdraw, and start to feel less inclined to take things to the next level, partly because they are not being made to feel like a man anymore.

And if he doesn’t feel like he was able to please you – or if he didn’t feel like he was enough for you – he will feel hurt.

This is hard for a man to take.

If a man feels like he’s not able to make you happy, or if he’s afraid you will be impossible to make happy – he’s going to pull away, get confused, or even leave, or run hot and cold.

Even if he genuinely loves you.

He’s probably had past experiences with women where he was hurt – we’ve all been hurt in an intimate relationship before, and he’s just a bit scared. Not willing to admit it, but scared nonetheless.

Men have to come on strong

See, if a man really desires you OR if he is falling in love with you, he HAS to come on strong. It’s part of how nature works. He wouldn’t secure a mate or pass on his genes otherwise. This is how it works in the animal kingdom – and it still works similar with us humans, even though men have become a lot more passive in this modern era.

So, he has to come on strong to form a bond with you – regardless of whether or not he is in love with you. On a primal level, this helps him to secure you as a mate, and it leads, hopefully, to procreation and babies.

You and I wouldn’t be here right now, if our male ancestors didn’t make their moves and pursue females strongly. (Click here to take the quiz “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

So even though you feel hurt, and you’re scared of losing him, or you think he’s being a moody bi*ch, or perhaps you feel like you’ve done something wrong – it’s just a part of the natural cycle of your relationship.

Now – back to what I said above about reality setting in.

Reality sets in for both of you after the initial period, and what happens is the man then feels some resistance.

Meeting the resistance

If you are a member of Commitment Control, you would already be aware of what commitment resistance is, and how to overcome commitment resistance in a man.

However,  just for now, all you need to know is that a man usually meets resistance at some point in time in the relationship with you, which really just means he meets his own fears and conflicts.

This is where YOU come in, and where what you do as a woman, in your relationship with him (or any future man for that matter) is absolutely crucial.

Men and women and their differences

The point is that men and women are completely different, and if you want to stop your man from running hot and cold, you need to understand how men work (men and women even use different parts of their brains more than the other sex), you need to understand what is truly valuable to men, and how to become that valuable woman he’s going to long for, miss, and want to commit to and make happy for the rest of his life.

And if your man is running hot and cold, or if you have dated a few men that have all run hot and cold, and you don’t know what to do to stop him running hot and cold – you’re going to end up feeling rejected, humiliated, and attached to a man who is just wasting your precious time and youth, which is incredibly important to us as women.

We’re all here for a limited time only, right? We don’t have a lifetime to waste.

So the longer you go without understanding men and not knowing how to deal with him pulling away after coming on so strong – the more of your own time you waste, and the more pain you experience in your relationships.

What makes a man commit to you

Remember that a man will commit to you when he subconsciously and consciously feels that you are a valuable woman to him (in other words, when there’s plenty of connection and attraction in the relationship). Most of us want a lifelong mate who is high quality, so you can’t blame him for that.

Many men have commitment resistance, but if you know how to overcome it – it never needs to happen again in your relationship.

To become the kind of woman MEN see high value in, requires you to have a deeper understanding of a man’s DNA, how they have evolved over millions of years, what they truly need, what they feel will fulfil them, what is valuable to them, and what will make a man feel like he couldn’t live without you.

It’s not hard to get a man to want to devote himself to you. This happens when you become a woman who actually understands men, unlike nearly all women out there who don’t understand men at all.

If you want this deeper understanding, and want your man to hold you and tell you he wants to be with you and only you, you will get this deeper understanding of what will make him get to this point with you in our 4-week program Commitment Control 2.0– a program that has helped many women turn their non-committal man in to a man who is begging HER for exclusivity or always wanting to spend time with her and spoil her.

The path to a long-term relationship is different for men

So if you’re thinking this all just sounds like men want everything to be easy, and won’t ‘man up’ and stick things through, I understand. It really does seem to be the truth when you look at it initially, but when you get a little understanding of how men work, you realize that your perceptions are not 100% true.

They are true to you as a woman, but not really true from a man’s perspective.

See, for you as a woman, attachment will often feel completely natural. You want to go further, take things further, get a man to open up, and maybe create a future together.

Men want this, too. However, men work differently to women. So they need to feel a different thing to what you feel in order to want to be with you all the time, and be deeply committed to you.

They take a slightly different path to you as a woman.

Before he will be willing to step up to the plate and continue with the deep connection you had in the beginning, he needs to feel like a man with you.

Remember the research I talked about above? About how when a man falls in love, his testosterone levels actually lower? Well, as a general rule, being connected to you and being in relationship with you (a woman) for an extended time, doesn’t really make him feel like a man, at his core.

Yes, being with a feminine woman CAN make a man feel like a man, and naturally would, but talking with you, having intimate conversations with you, engaging in loving exchanges with you over and over for a long time can feel like suffocation to a man.

He Needs to feel like a Man First

In fact, the need to feel like a man is like SURVIVAL to a man. What has he got, as a man, if he doesn’t feel like a man?

And the same with you. Think about it. If you’re truly feminine inside, what does life feel like if you don’t feel like a woman – radiant, beautiful, connected, loved and loving, free, and expressive?

Crap. It feels like crap. This is why women go spend thousands and thousands of dollars on things that will enhance their looks – because inside, they want to feel radiant, they want to be noticed, and appreciated, and they want their beauty to be appreciated. – all these things are part of feeling like a WOMAN.

The same goes with men – men will do crazy things to just feel like a man.

Get addicted to golf. Go to war for seemingly unwarranted reasons (at least to a woman anyway). Go quiet. Not call for several days.

See, we women frown upon this, but there’s always another side of the coin. For example, men often get hurt and frustrated by us spending hoards of money on what they would deem to be pointless things – such as new cups (when we already have 50 at home), new shoes (when we already have 256 pairs in the cupboard) – it’s pointless to men.

I am not saying the above behaviours I’ve described are GOOD behaviours – and I’m certainly not saying they are sustainable ways to feel like a man or a woman.

So – what’s my point? My point is that if your man is pulling away from the relationship, he is pulling away so that he can feel like a man.

What he does may be selfish, it may hurt you like hell, and you may not LIKE it – but at the bottom of it all, he wants to feel like a man. All the better if YOU happen to be that feminine woman who makes him feel like a man.

What to do if he has come on strong and is now going hot and cold:

So if right now your man seems to be running hot and cold and pulling away, and you feel scared, taken for granted or confused, here is an action step you can take:

1)      What you have to do is acknowledge that a man will pull away at some point in the relationship. Men have evolved over millions of years to be HUNTERS – to bring home food, to kill beasts, and to work in a group with their comrades to achieve a result – ie: kill the food, and bring it home.

Men are not originally made to be in a long-term relationship with you (we were made to procreate, have sex and pass our genes in to tomorrow). But of course, humans have evolved far more than other mammals, so we are now capable of having long-term relationships.

None of this means he’s not going to be in a relationship with you and nor does it mean he CAN’T be. Of course he can. It’s just that you have to fulfil what his base level need is FIRST – which is to feel like a man (I’ll get to this in a second), so he feels safe to progress with you.

So once you have acknowledged that his pulling away doesn’t have anything to do with YOU – it’s him wanting to feel free (feel like a man), and take a break from the relationship, you can then proceed to free yourself from suffering and from feeling rejected, to then get in a better emotional state so that you can work from a position of power to make the relationship (or your future relationships) better.

2)      Give him space. Give him time. He needs it to re-charge and to feel like a man again. Give him the space and time he needs. This is going to begin the process of getting him to associate you with the feeling of being able to be feel like a man.

3)      When you’ve gone ahead and given him this space, take out a piece of paper. Do it right now. Get out a piece of paper and write down every single thing you are afraid of. Are you afraid of not being good enough for him? Are you afraid he is going to go back to his ex? Are you afraid he doesn’t love you? Or that he’s cheating on you?

Write down everything you fear (write each fear beneath the other so you have space for the next part of the exercise). Write down everything. And just when you think you’ve got everything, write down a few more things you fear. Keep writing until you’ve got nothing left.

4)      Now look at your list. There’s a lot of fears, aren’t there? Now, next to each fear you have listed – write down a new meaning for that fear. For example. Say you fear that he doesn’t love you and will reject you again. Your new meaning could be (my new meaning would be):

“I cannot be rejected. Even if a man rejects my love, I have infinite love inside of me. And even when I do feel rejected, I can still love, because I am a feminine woman who is full of love. No-one can TRULY reject me, because I am far better than that. It’s impossible to be rejected. It’s an illusion. I am only rejected if I BELIEVE people are rejecting me.”

Another example: say you fear that you are not as good as his ex-girlfriend. Your new meaning would be, instead of: ‘oh I could never compare to his ex girlfriend because he’s so obsessed over her.’ Your new meaning could be:

“I have everything I need within me right NOW to be more than enough for this man, and even more than his ex is. I know that even if he does the thing I fear the most – which is leave me – I am far too powerful a woman to diminish myself because of this. I will be a better lover for the right man for me, even if this relationship doesn’t work out.’

5)      Now read over your new meanings. And from this day on, EVERY time you feel the fears coming up again, abruptly break your emotional pattern (your recurrent fears), and go back to your list and read over your new meaning. EVERY time! No exceptions.

And from these new meanings you give to your fears, you will be able to increase your value as a woman, because you won’t be doing things from a place of desperation or neediness.

When you do things from a place of desperation or neediness, you end up just extracting value from a man’s life, rather than adding value.

And it doesn’t matter whether you end up with this man or not – what matters is that you have this understanding and this strength inside of yourself to become a better lover – for yourself (so that you can attract that fulfilling relationship), and for your current man or your future man.

An important point to note: when you give a man space, and you do the steps I’ve given you above, and while you give him his space, you work on yourself and work from your newfound understanding of men, you’ll notice that he will probably call you first and ask how you are, and not only that, he’ll want to make plans to see YOU, because he feels your presence differently.

You start to go from feeling like more of a burden to him to feeling like more of an excitement and a ‘drug’ for him. The kind of woman that makes him feel like a man – the number one thing he needs to feel. (See my article on what if he doesn’t want to spend time with you)

Becoming a woman who Men are Dying to Commit to

And if you want to take things further, and really get a deep understanding of men, join our Commitment Control members area. You’ll have so many ‘ah-hah’ moments, and you’ll see what life is like through a man’s eyes (something most women will never be aware of), and you’ll be able to get a man to beg YOU for commitment.

You can literally get a man who wasn’t totally feeling it for you, and feeling like he’s ‘not ready’ to be committed to you, to having him wake up and wondering how stupid he was to not make a full commitment to you.

Our Commitment Control 2.0 is now available again. But before you jump to take the course, I suggest that you watch the Commitment Masterclass first. If you haven’t watched it yet, click here to register to watch it for free.

Until next time, take care.



  • Carinne Pompom

    I have been with a North Indian guy for 2 months & since yesterday, he started to treat me a bit coldy.. He has been nice to me for 2 months.. He is not a permanent resident of Singapore, he’s here on a business visa.. He’s 27, I am 31..

    • cmor

      Let him go. Indians are not used to dating and at 27 he will be expected to go marry someone his parents want him to marry.

  • Carol

    l only met mine like 4 months ago. The first three months were marvelous. He called daily and talked to me on phone like forever, he showers me ethics gifts and took me out. He made sure we had quality time together, steady once in a week. For the past one month he has gone cold, with a lot of unplanned schedules, at time we hang on one another not in very good terms. l have tried to express my fears, but he keeps reassuring me that nothing is wrong. When l wanted to call it quits he fixed a date, but when l saw him yawn while making love to me l felt so heartbroken. l left for my place. 2 days ago he called, he came to my place, made love to me, assured me that he loved me and pleaded with me not to disappoint him. He stayed with me for 2 hours then left. He has only called once since then to ask me for the technician’s number. l wanted to call and find out how he is doing but after reading this l have stopped. If he decides to quit it is okay l have already suffered enough and am not going to care anymore. l will use this time to do something productive. And am not going to allow him fuck his way in and out like he did the last time he came to my place. During the same month he promised to take me for holiday, include my name in his insurance cover, take me to see his new vehicle which he has not fulfilled any. But if all those women out there have gone or do have to go through this then l think l am thinking twice about it. Before l got into this 4 months ago l had stayed for 2 years without a boyfriend. l was single but very happy doing just fine. He really had to pursue me to give him a Chance. 4 months down the line all of a sudden l don’t understand him. l am feeling used and wasted. l keep breaking down, l want to pull out and go back to my single life but am feeling like l love him too. l still don’t know what to do but l am just hanging around taking one day at a time, missing him but l don’t want to appear clingy.

    • Carly

      Thank you Renee! God bless you, this has helped me profoundly.

  • Fedup

    People who blow hot and cold are passive aggressive and have mental issues. It is nothing the women did. I am someone who is upfront with who I am from the start and do not switch up later down the road and still men have blown hot and cold. A man will blow cold simply because he is done using you for your body. He faked a relationship with u just to get sex. I know this cause I had a man confess to it after I asked him to be honest. This article makes women think they are part blame for the change in men. Blaming it on so called flaws that a woman shows month later is brainwashing women. Men who blow hot and cold are users.notice they blow cold after several weeks of sex with u. The cold part is an attempt to get emotional control over the women so they can feel helpless and insecure. The guy I saw, would blow hot when we were at places he knew a lot of men at, cause he wouldn’t to look like king to them by showing he is with a very sexy woman, also while making them think I’m taken. But when I would bring him to my spots, he’d blow cold cause he didn’t want to seem taken in case he wanted to sneak around and meet knew women there. I knew this by how he always wanted us to be apart there if there was most women there. The hot and cold is to keep u on their terms and have things their way. The guy even said “I want u when I want u, that’s why I don’t want to share u, but I dont know now if I want to be committed to u. ” this was during one of his cold spells. I told him he had know right to expect a commitment from me and he don’t want to be committed. He said it was the sex that he didn’t want to part from. But in the first 3 months he spent hours talking to me, doing nice things with me….ect he even said he loved me and didn’t want to lose me. Later though he would admit he lied and just wanted to keep the sex. Even after I broke it off, he called me pretending to be concerned about me. The hot and cold guy desires a woman who is not obtainable. It is the thrill and emotional roller coaster that makes them keep control of u. When my x would blow cold, it would be with meeting his x on our time and keeping me waiting while he cater to her. Then as soon as he was done and I went to leave he would beg me not to leave. Each time I would get over him while he was ignoring me during his cold spell, he would try to see me finally to reel me back in. This happened twice til finally I asked him not to call me anymore and deleted his number….ect.

  • Natasha

    Hi Renee,

    I love this article and have allowed the guy that I have been with for 6 months to have the freedom he needs to be a man. However, I believe that I have made a big mistake. I have tried to ‘play it cool’ with him but have now found that he doesn’t know how I feel about him and I’ve become a ‘taker’.

    I have always been told that a woman should always be chased, should not show a man how she feels and should never be vulnerable. The man is supposed to chase the woman and shower her with love and affection with little or no effort from the woman.

    After recent insight from a friend of my boyfriend’s, I have found that the behaviour that I have displayed towards my boyfriend has left him feeling used and that I don’t care for him. To give an example, in the 6 months we’ve been together I’ve never once organised plans with him and have rarely initiated contact. I’ve sat back and waited for him and have used this to gauge how much he likes me.

    Some women (my friends) have said that this is the way it should be but the fact that I am hurting my man means that it isn’t how it should be. I have been scared to initiate anything because of fear or rejection and getting hurt. I have held back because of pain from past relationships. I have in no way been open or vulnerable and feel that I haven’t got the commitment from my man that I desire because of this.

    My question is how do I move past this and what can I do to show my guy that I truly care about him? I don’t want to lose him because the time we do spend together is so special. I have never held back like this with a man, I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve….

    Any insight would be great. Thanks!

    • Chris

      As a male I have felt with a woman like this and this is the exact reason I would go hot and cold. I would show her affection (HOT) and she would never reciprocate, let me know she liked me or initiate anything. Then I would pull back and have to rethink the situation(COLD) until I could some how rationalize trying again. She would get upset and it came to the point where I felt she was maliciously using me for attention. Expecting someone to shower you with love with little or no effort on your part is a terrible strategy and you will be more enemies than lovers.

      • cmor

        I showered the guy I am seeing with attention and affection and he pulled back. He tells me he has feelings for me, but they are all bogged down with other things in his life. 🙁

    • john lips

      men HATE…hate hate hate to chase women. we want women who jump all over us and go out of their way to let us know that they are interested in us and attracted to us. period.

  • Natalie

    ok, but what if the problem is not that he pulls away, does not call… I’d be ok with it, I have things to do w/o him. My problem is that he comes and stays but is not present… Naturally I started feeling that he lost attraction and comes only for convenience, as I rent an apt and he has roommates, my place is clean, bed is more comfortable etc. He does not listen, I mean, he is listening but next day (or even few mins later) asks the same question… Assuming and ascribing things about me (after I just explained them to him), criticizing me, ignoring my requests… Of course I get upset or mad after such treatment an shut down… Then he starts being all that warm and fuzzy and making an effort to win me. Talking about how he is committed more that I am but all I feel is sticking around. I feel bad and desperate as there’s nothing I can do to improve this and want to end it when I am not happy in this relationship. I tried to talk first (he was the initiator of such conversations), explain how I feel and so on… He changes… for 1 day. And then again, acts like we’ve been married for 20 years and he can hardly stand me but have to as if we live in the same house. Btw, we do not. He is just coming and staying over, by his own will, every so often. Not his absence but this sticking around cold and ignoring hurts the most. I am not afraid to loose him. The only thing I am afraid of is to spend more months and years in this coldness. He knows how to treat me right and how to make me happy but for some reason he stopped caring…

    • Anna

      Hi Natalie. I used to have the exact same thing going on with my man in the beginning. What I did was leave, every time I felt he wasn’t 100% there. I’d leave the room, or leave the apartment. He’s improved a lot since I did that, not being annoyed at me as much, because I’ll leave. But the truth is some men will always be annoyed, but it’s not because they don’t love you, it’s because the situation annoyed them (imagine someone cutting in front of you in traffic, how annoyed you’d get. Now imagine your guy did that. Still annoyed?). Ok, I’m going to level with you here. Sometimes, my man STILL takes me for granted, and it hurts, and I want to leave. But after the cycle passes & I feel loved and important to him again, I’m glad I didn’t leave. What I’ve learned when he’s taking me for granted and not being present with me is twofold: 1) it’s going to happen again (at least until I figure out how to not make it happen – seems like Renée & David have figured it out so I know it’s possible). It’s going to happen again & it’s going to HURT LIKE A MF! (I just got out of my cycle & it hurt so bad). 2) During these times he’s not present it helps to enforce the “don’t contact him first rule”, which means wait for him to text, call, email first. This is essentially giving him space to miss you and revalue you. Ugh… If only I can remember to do it. If he’s with you & he’s pulling away his presence, I would just leave the room. I don’t think your man is a bad guy. I think this will always happen in cycles and hopefully we will figure out how to manage it better or stop it from happening by producing more attraction in the relationship. OH! That reminds me of my real point here: the way I got my man to snap out of it was to produce Dark Attraction in him. Dark attraction. Look up Renée’s articles in this. What I did, inadvertently, was to recall with him a time when he was the bad boy. Then he saw me get so excited about that side of him, which he hardly ever shows anymore. I said “I want more of that guy.” He said “I’m not that guy anymore.” I said “yes you are.” We had the best sex we ever had that night (probably for me, ever) & he became SO devoted. I guess what men really need is attraction. Then he’ll give the love we need.

      • Natalie

        Hi Anna, thank you for your thoughtful reply. Well, the night I wrote here my man came and fixed things, so I am ‘out of cycle’ now 🙂 I remember coming across ‘dark attraction’ expression somewhere on this blog but could not find any article on it. Could you possibly refer me? I have to admit, the notion of dark attraction is still vague to me. My understanding was that women, should not always be goody-goodies, sometimes it’s good to show him “bad” side which is not really bad.. (As they say, “good girls are welcome in heaven, bad girls are welcome everywhere”.) However, your example showed me another facet. I need to think about this… BTW, that night He revealed me some bad things about his past! Like, *really* bad… So I think you have a valid point here. Thanx! Although I’ll have to find my own understanding and approach to it. As I am really glad that he reformed and would not want him to go back to that lifestyle (nobody would want that for their close ones, trust me).
        As to walking out of the room, that won’t work for me as I live in a studio type of apt. I tried similar thing when we were out – walking in my own pace, not coordinating with him… Cannot say that it helped much. He would go on his own and later reproached me for ‘straying away’.
        Once again, thank you for sharing. Knowing that you’re not alone with such problems is very supportive, hope we will figure it out soon with the help of this blog 🙂

        • Anna

          Hey Natalie. You can find more info on dark femininity in her articles here:

          They are very descriptive.

          I think dark femininity & dark masculinity (dark attraction) is very important. I’ve found that my man is threatened by his dark side sometimes, because he pushes down my dark side (he says it’s “disgusting”). But I know it’s because he’s scared of it, and he’s ashamed of his dark side. You should have seen his face when I said that he was still that “bad boy” he once was. He looked at me like I was the first person ever to accept & love that side of him. Little by little, he’s accepting my dark side, and using it to his advantage (one advantage is great sex). But whenever he tries to discourage my dark side, I have to stand up for it, with no apologies.
          On the topic of you leaving the room with your mate… yes, a studio apartment is difficult. What you can do is “take a walk” for a few minutes or go run an errand. What I do is say something like “It feels like testosterone overload in here, I’m going downstairs to the lobby to play pool for a while and let you do your thing 😉 *wink*” when he’s being grumpy/annoyed at me or I say “Your masculinity is too overpowering right now I gotta get some air 😉 *wink*” Or if he’s just being complacent, I simply leave and go run & errand. He’ll wonder why I left & he’ll probably come back & apologize. It doesn’t really work too well when you are out though. The difference is, at home, you have your own space & boundaries already set up – when you are out, no space is “yours” so you can’t really leave “your” space. If he’s ignoring you when you’re out, walking away from him is probably not going to work, but being engrossed in a book or taking in your surroundings might, until you can go home, and if he continues it & you are at your brink, you can leave the apartment for a while. Most of the time, I’m at his apartment, so I say I’m going to go home. That is if I am very annoyed. Otherwise it doesn’t really bother me and I do my own thing while he is doing his. I think that drawing him in with dark attraction is probably the best answer because he is probably craving that fun & excitement.

        • Anna C

          Oh I forgot, Renee puts in depth lessons on light & dark into her programs. In fact, Attraction Control Monthly has a whole BOOK on this subject.

  • Anna

    “If you’re truly feminine inside, what does life feel like if you don’t feel like a woman – radiant, beautiful, connected, loved and loving, free, and expressive?

    Crap. It feels like crap.”

    What makes a woman pull away and make her seem hopeless and never feeling worthy of a man? Not feeling like a woman. And what makes her not feel radiant & like a woman? Not getting attention from the man she loves. I used to wonder how the heck a man would feel not worthy of love & thinking he’ll always be alone when he’s in a relationship… he doesn’t feel like a man.
    I never thought I’d feel like I’d always end up alone again. Now I feel it. I don’t feel like a woman. I don’t feel radiant. I don’t feel loved. I feel like there is no point, this relationship has no future, nothing has no future, because I don’t feel loved. I feel like I’ll never be loved, because I’ll always need attention, and I’ll always be seen as crazy by men. I never thought I’d feel this way again. But, I do. I feel almost good and content knowing that there is no point, & I’ll always be alone. Now I know what my bf must feel. The only difference is, he feels like a failure because of his business, and I feel unloved because he’s not giving me attention, because he feels like a failure. Great. Whatever, I’m going to just sleep.

  • Rochelle

    A lot of men who do this hot and cold thing are just narcissists who only care about their feelings. It’s not always because they aren’t feeling like a man. If he’s acting like this very early on, and begins only texting twice a week, etc something is wrong. I can understand them in a relationship being this way at times though

  • I’ve read this article through and you really have this ‘deeper understanding’ of men.

    There comes a time where this that men can impose on their partner can get really stressful and make a woman feel bad…….and then it becomes a choice of whether or not to end the relationship.

  • Joanne

    Hello, I relate to this right now. It is driving me nuts. I mean I thought he wouldn’t text me today at all. But, suddenly he texts me “Good Afternoon!!, How are you doing? :)” (as if trying to come off friendly or something I guess) but…i mean the conversations are very short and he stops responding. And, this will probably keep going on and on..and then when i try to talk to him more later throughout that day he says, “I don’t leave him alone.” So, what do i do? Will he even come back?…. It’s uncomfortable for me.

  • Melissa

    Hi, I love your article! it makes so much sense. I have a question though, how do you make a man feel like a man? and what do I do if my man is 25 and is still immature?

    • Jane

      I’m with a man 7 months we got back 2 days ago had romance and I texted him to drive me to an Interview today. He said hes tell me last night. I have no car. He did not respond I called him and he rehe Ted my call so went to voicemail I left a message. He texted me he’s coming home soon. 15 mins later he said he’s watching a hockey game somewhere. All I wanted was him to confirm my drive. At 930 I said are u home soon he said yes. He texted to call him today at 800 am I wanted to meet him for 25 mins he said hes too tired. Today he took me he’s in my apt be he was cold and distabt to me. He did not encourage me before my Interview. He said text him hel l pick me up but I left my cell. He picked me up drove me home.. I had to kiss him..hes discrete about his plans..i texted him when I got home no response. He’s my only friend here .

  • Danielle

    Thank-you Renee, you are a genius. Your blog helps me to clarify things and be a better woman! Danielle xxx

  • Wow what a great article. I completely agree with letting a man feel like a man. When men don’t feel like men, they act out in weird ways. They do things that hurt us women. I remember my ex boyfriend use to be hot and cold with me, but I could never figure out why. The reason was because I wasn’t allowing him to be a man. Thanks for the article.

    • Renee Wade

      Hi Jenny, I really appreciate your willingness to see it from the masculine male’s perspective, and then sharing it here with us. Thank You, and the universe will reward you 🙂 xoxox

  • Have you ever thought about writing an e-book or guest authoring on other sites? I have a blog based upon on the same information you discuss and would really like to have you share some stories/information. I know my visitors would value your work. If you’re even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an email.

  • Laura

    I have just read this article because my friend is going through a tough time with her boyfriend. And I must say I’m all for giving men space and letting them be a man ie doing man things DIY etc and going pub with mates or golf or football or rugby but this article Implies that because we come from animals and have animal instincts which I’m also believe off but way u worded it is as though we let men go out n fuk about n feel like a man by dik dipping and we r too wait around and they will come back well of course they will that why we go on website like this to find a way to stop them waning too dik dip and come bk we want a man that commits without having to go off n realise he a man ur article doesn’t not explain how to make him feel like a man n if ur answer of let him go off n be a man ( dik dippin ) is the way to keep a man then we will have a generation of sti and inbred if they need to go off to be a man then there not a man a man knows what he wants x

    • lory

      I 100% agree with Laura’s post. The way this article has been written gives me the impression that by letting him be a man through giving him space for him to go out and be sexually involved and intimate with other women to keep the attraction new with their manly instincts? Manly things should involve spending time with their mates watching sports, going to the pub just like girls have girls time shopping, talking about their lives and emotions getting advice, dining out, having few drinks and all that feminine stuff.

      • Nonono, shes saying just give him space, to feel like a man but obviously. Do you want to date a woman? If he loves you he will still be committed he’ll just be doing manly things but NOT SEX WITH OTHER FEMALES!

  • Kenza

    I had a lot of ups and downs with my three years LDR boyfriend….. i’ve been through ALLLLLLLL what you’ve wrote above………. I HAVE READ Men are from Mars Women are from Venus to understand him and to make him feeeeel me….. sometimes we’re like in the top of the mountain and other times we’re just sinking down……. He is my first love… my first everything.. i love him to the extence that if only 1% hope is still in our realtionship i’ll give an extra 1000% to fight for him… but he isn’t fighting for me……. is he scared or what ? his ex which he told me about in the very first months of our relation ship ( cheated on him twice… and she was his everything to him.. he did every possible things to make her happy…… i’ve never blamed him for his past cause i wasn’t there… at the time we met he was single for like 2 years….) anyways sometimes i fell rejected because of his past i feel like i’m paying for her mistakes…… sometimes i do excuse him cause he seems like he is unconsciously hurting me…. other times i get down…. and i start blaming myslef….. and not appreciate the person i am…… and feel like i wasn’t ennough….. and every possible negative idea pop up into my mind……… we used to be so madly deeply inlove……. we shared things……… we were there for each other even if like half of the time we’re apart…… but our relationship for me was and is still warthing the fight……. What have we lost it in all of a sudden??????????? my life sucks… doing my best to get of my misery and to be happy…. he isn’t better either.. his parents devorced and now he is responsibale for his mother and two sisters needs….. because of alot of problems he has changed…. become cold…. i love him and i want things to get the way it used to be……… plz advice me plzzzzzzzz…….. i only feel a woman when i’m with him… never cheated never thaught of another one although there are lots of guys who want me… and one of them is like falling for me… but my heart belongs to thisssssss guy only……. where have i gone wrong?……. am i paying for his past “pain”…… is he aware that he is hurting me ? does he feel me ? ……… he deny it when tell him that because of her i’m getting hurt…….. he once admitted that he found true only with me……. and yes i made him feel like a maaaaaaaan…………… but he has changed……. tell me how to cope with his change??? it’s been a while and we’ve done alot of mistakes….. me trying to understand him and him pushing me away…….. tried to give space……. found that some girls with one particulare feale friends wanna get him………… i turned so jealous and maaaaaaaaaaad…….. i expressed it in so many calm reasonable ways till i’ve exploded……. so i’ve done sth i didn’t want to do to make him drink from the glass of pain he made me drink from…….. in the end nothing worked to me…….. ( i didn’t do sth wrong like cheating or sth i pretended to care for someone else to make him jealous so he of cheating………………. i’m tired i want to do a final thing that will make him understand me an MAN UP and do sth to clear things up……. i don’t want anything but him showing that he loves me…. COMMITMENT i’m not in a hurry…….. everything will come in the right time…….. i just want to feel loved again……. to feel a woman!!!!!!!!! to feel him!!!!!!!!! i don’t want to do tricks and be dramatic and play games…….. i’m really tired…….. i want to do sth that make him realize that i’m hurt and that i admit my part of mistakes …. i’ve done every possible thing i could do to save us…….. why he is acting this way ? how to get him like he was again or at least how to make us work this relation ship right ?

    he loved me so many things prove that…. i want to fight for me to see that i’m worthy… to value me… to be afraid of losing me like i am afraid of losing him.. to beleive that i’m different……. i’m not asking for money of sth beyond his control … i’m just asking for love… his love… the love he once gave me … the love we once had……..

    what shoud i do???????????????? need your advice miss Renee

    Ps: excuse my English if there is some mistakes or sth :p i’m not an English lge native speaker..

  • Patricia

    My lover goes cold and quiet every month or so. He is so very loving and tells me I am his godess and that he adores me, and then all in a day or two goes really off. He rings me all the time throughout this period but his voice is unemotional and he doesnt mention words of love. I try to talk but I dont get anywhere. He just says he needs to be with me and he cant get as often as he would like to. Says this depresses him and he cant cope. T try to reassure him but cant get through to him. Please help, I feel so miserable and lonely.

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