My man and I openly discuss relationship topics and the differences between men and women very often. We are both very passionate about it and this mutual passion is one reason I can write this blog.

One day recently, my man David and I were having a conversation about why men don’t call and how women chronically over analyse when he doesn’t call – a conversation that just made me laugh in amusement.

I laughed in amusement because no matter how many times I have a new realisation about how different a masculine man is to a feminine woman, it’s always funny. It’s funny because what’s reality for a man is reality for a man and what is reality for a woman is reality for a woman and what’s silly is how both sexes try to make each other the same.

(By they way, on the topic of feminine, click here to find out how feminine you are deep down in your core by doing my quiz here. I’ve carefully designed these 8 questions to show you exactly how much you are living in your feminine energy and what it really means for you.)

I do stop laughing quickly, though. Because incredible pain and suffering comes for men and women who want a partner with the opposite sexual energy than themselves, yet every day they do things to try to make their boyfriend or girlfriend the same as them.

As women we expect men to think like women. That’s like asking a whale to think like a giraffe.  One is a sea animal and the other is a land animal. That very fact makes their motivations different. It makes their daily life different.

So Why Don’t Men Call More Often?

Reason 1) He is not interested in pursuing anything more with you.

If you feel like you want closure as to why he doesn’t want anything more; the most basic answer I can give you is that there wasn’t enough attraction between the two of you in order for him to break out of his man-world to pursue a long term relationship with you.

Attraction and Connection are what it takes for a man to commit further to a steady relationship. Without those two things, a relationship serves no purpose for a good, masculine man. Other than to drain his time and resources (even one woman can take all a man’s emotional and mental resources).

Reason 2) Reason 2 is what the rest of this article is about.

Well, sometimes, men call very often. Any woman who has had a man be in love with her knows this. The calling frequency doesn’t last. Not necessarily because he’s no longer in love, but just because the nature of the relationship has changed.

But no matter HOW in love a man is with you, at some point in your relationship with a MALE, (if you want a long term relationship with a male), he’s going to be calling LESS than you wish he would.  If you stay together for enough years, and you give each other enough compassion and love, one or both of you will come to understand the other’s needs, and the HURT you feel about him not calling might occur less frequently. And HIS frustration over your need for him to call you may turn in to something he lovingly remembers to do.

Key word; remembers. Yes, calling a woman is a hell of a lot of work and effort for men. And for good reason.

Feel free to let out some anger over this if you want. Feel free to even hate me for delivering this information, I understand the magnitude of which this absolutely sucks.

You letting out your anger might not change the fact that calling is WORK for men, but at least it will lower your stress hormones over this and allow you to relax.

After doing that, I do invite you to come back and read.

My conversation with my husband David went (something like) this:

ME: SO many women have this problem of a man not calling them. *sigh in compassion and understanding for women*

DAVID: Looks at me.

ME: Look at him.

Pause.

DAVID: Well the reason men don’t call is obvious.

ME: Uh huh. So why?

DAVID: Because he is doing something important. (Insert serious face)

Pause.

He turns back to his emails and computer screen.

I start giggling.

He turns back to me.

He smiles.

ME: “BUT. From a woman’s perspective, we’re thinking, WHAT could be more important than calling ME???!!!!” (insert poor me face right here).

My husband works with women, too; helping them around the world get the commitment and relationship that other people envy. So his next reaction encompasses a deep understanding of women AND the frustration of the every day male.

DAVID: Hmph. Smirks. Then smiles and says “Women!”

Turns back to his emails.

But can’t he be more Considerate of MY Needs?

As a woman, reading this, right now…you’re probably thinking: “he’s doing something important. So what. What the hell does THAT mean. That’s besides the point. I’m hurting here.” “How insensitive!!”

And I’m here to suggest to you this:

What my husband said is every bit the point.

At least from a man’s perspective.

He didn’t mean: ‘you are not important.’ or ‘the woman is not important’

Although him not calling DOES give that feeling to a woman.

He means the MAN was doing something important to HIM.

What David meant when he said men don’t call because he’s doing something IMPORTANT is this:

He CAN’T call you because of these reasons:

1) Men tend to operate visually and it’s hard to talk to you on the phone therefore, he’s not that motivated to call. This isn’t about men being pervs. It’s about men being programmed for 84,000 generations to be hunters…men generally operate best through their visual senses, NOT their auditory senses.

Talking on the phone is an auditory act…he can’t flow with it as well as you can.

Women however, have been using their auditory senses for that 84,000 generations or more to talk to each other. We like the phone, we can spend ages on the phone just babbling.

Men use the phone usually to get from A to B.

A and B could be something related to work or it could be related to organising a date, or to get a piece of information, or to deliver information.

If the PHONE helps a man get from A to B then it suddenly becomes the best thing in the world.

2) He is used to you sounding unhappy on the phone.  

If you want him to call you and every time he DOES call, you’re trying to imply through the tone of your voice that you’re PISSED because he isn’t calling as much as you’d otherwise like, guess what happens?

He felt terrible on the phone with you, so it made matters worse.

They DO use it to chat, but usually they do this the MOST when they are first falling in love with a woman…and this initial in love phase passes. (You can still be in love, but it’s a little bit different).

3) He simply doesn’t value calling as much as you do. And it’s not his conscious choice; it’s how the masculine brain works.

Why?

Because his brain is involved with something ELSE that is important in his world.

And when he is involved with something else….he’s not thinking about RELATIONSHIP. He can’t  allow himself to be in a relationship without him first getting the important thing done.

With the exception of a time when he is in love.

When you are in love, you expend a lot of energy doing things you don’t do when you are not in love; you expend energy on chasing and ‘wooing’ that person.

For example; you stay up all night talking to each other, you take notice of things about that person you wouldn’t normally take notice in other people, you forget to eat, and sleep, at times. Men call more often than they would when they have just fallen in love.

This all takes a lot of energy. And this energy expenditure is not something that is designed to keep going forever; it’s designed to progress to the next part of a relationship; which is baby making and baby raising. This is the process of pair bonding.

Click here to know how to stay high value when when he pulls away

 What’s ‘Important’ in a Man’s World can Feel like Life or Death in a Man’s world

And let me add, what is IMPORTANT in a man’s mind CAN be the difference between life and death. For HIM.

Let me explain.

When a man is focused on business or anything related to the progression of his rank in society (sports, work, entrepreneurial related tasks); it IS life or death. I’m not 100% sure men would describe it the way that I am since I am a female, but that’s how I’m describing it to you in order to help you understand.

It’s that important to him. But it doesn’t mean YOU are not important.

RELATIONSHIP is not the masculine priority.

‘Relationship’ in this case refers to calling to show that he cares. He often just forgets to call, and he does not have any bad intent when he forgets.

Do YOU have bad intentions when you make you both late to a party because you spent 3 hours getting ready?

I’ll just remind you of that one: he doesn’t have any bad intent when he forgets.

Do you have bad intent when you spend hours getting ready for an important party? Do you intend to hurt or piss off your man by spending far too long putting on make up, or doing your hair, and changing your mind about outfits?

The same lack of bad intent exists when a man is interested, but is doing something important.

How YOU as a woman view it and how it’s Different to a Man’s Point of View

To a woman, it is RUDE to suggest that you didn’t call because you were doing something important.

Why?

Because we imply meaning in words.

When someone says that they were doing something IMPORTANT and that’s why they did not call us, we think they are communicating that something else is more important than US. And that we are no longer loved in that moment and that person might abandon us.

It makes women angry.

It makes MEN confused.

A man’s confusion over this is JUST as innocent as a woman’s anger over this.

Neither of us have bad intentions with the other person, we are just being a man or being a woman.

The fact is, if a man doesn’t call for a few days or a week, or just a few hours, AND we are in an established relationship with him, we feel hurt. But we only feel hurt because of the meaning we place on his not calling.

RELATIONSHIP for masculine men is not number one.

It CAN be.

But I believe that takes time and the building of trust between two people.

If you want a long term relationship, you must be willing to have patience with a man. They are not as instinctively driven to connect as females are. Unless they are actually more feminine inside their physical body.

My honest belief is that in a committed relationship; for the relationship to work, both people must put each other first.  But if you don’t put each other first….the other begins to feel less significant and safe in the relationship. This becomes a huge problem.

And yet, though I believe this, I believe you have to ARRIVE at this place, after a journey together. You don’t usually START off there. You have to earn each other’s trust.

You can’t subconsciously demand that of a man 3 months or even a year in to the relationship.

So How do you Encourage him to call more?

There are many ways to encourage him to call more.

The one suggestion I will make today is for you to do what is counter intuitive:

ENJOY every call he makes. Openly. ENJOY it so he can HEAR your enjoyment.

When he HEARS your enjoyment, he starts to have it ‘click’ in his mind that you actually enjoy it and he gets to feel successful rather than be told he’s a dick for not calling for a week.

Do you feel like Punishing him for not calling?

This is the common response from women. I’ve worked with enough women to see this pattern.

I’ve also been that woman.

It doesn’t work.

So enjoy the call; and that’s any call!

Counter intuitive, but definitely helps you a better catch than 99% of women out there.

Do you want answers to the questions you have about men? Click here to get the course Understanding Men.

Have the men you’ve dated in the past called MORE often than you’d like? Or LESS often than you’d like? Share your story with us!

renee-wade

 

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119 Comments

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  • Joe says:

    Yeah, this was a pretty dumb article.

    I stopped reading when the author said that it is work for men to call.

    What?!

    Uh, no, it is not.

    They call and text their friends a lot. But you? . . .

    • Renee Wade says:

      You missed the point Joe. But if you don’t want to consider things such as

      1: context; and
      2: what it feels like for some men to call, when they are say, knee deep in a mission…

      that’s fine. People like you are not who this site is for. Just because you don’t think it’s work, doesn’t mean some men don’t feel it is work.

  • Kate W says:

    What a stupid article

  • Super Janice says:

    Talking in the phone is an auditory act. As a 18-year-old girl (born in 1998) who is auditory, I don’t call more often because:

    1) My only hobby is singing. I’ve being programmed for 18 years to be a “cassette recorder” and remember lots of songs I’ve listened, I can’t flow it as well as my mother and Renee can despite being auditory.

    Hence, like most men, I usually use the phone to get from A to B (It is usually homework)

    Instead of connecting with others, I prefer to investigate masculinity and femininity and reach a particular conclusion, that’s why I’m here sharing my opinion with you using my computer.

    2) I simply don’t value calling as much as my mother do. And it wasn’t my conscious choice. My brain is involved with my dreams. Dream about being a singer who sings her favourite songs. Dream about being my friends’ hero……

    In conclusion, I am basically different from Renee!

  • Caitlin Hawkins says:

    So what if this same man hurt you pretty badly in the past? And you feel he should be showing more gratitude that you’re speaking with him again, or giving him the time of day? I get that masculine me are wired differently . I guess at what point does it become disrespectful when he hasn’t openly apologized for the past but keeps saying he wants to get together when he has moved and his work situation has changed?

    • KEKE says:

      No apology then no remorse. Move on. His work situation could take years to change. Why would you be holding on for that. I’m sure you have expectations of the kind of relationship you want. If this isn’t it then wish him well with his life and find the kind of relationship you’re looking for.

  • nicpace says:

    I am so late to the party, aren’t I? I do believe that rene’s point are valid but to certain point only. I have experienced to have been at both the receiving ends. I’ve been the needy one (at least i feel like it) and the needed one and trust me both feel like shit. But i know one thing for sure, when we’re being the needy one, we’re definitely more interested that the other party. Not to say they are not interested in us but i can definitely tell we’re not their top priority. I have been closed with many guys but it rarely reached the long term dating phase. Why? I reckon because i did not do what rene was suggesting and while it pains me to not be able to undo anything thats been done, i believe it had to be done. I remember being very close with this guy for a whole month. He replied fast, he called when we’re planning to go out (this part is crucial when it comes to meeting, phone communication is paramount) but after work he just seems to vanish and replied a lot less. In the morning he would ask me out to go to breakfast together and this continued for a whole month. But something was off i felt it like he’s just not that into me because if he was he would be ‘needy’ he would want to know how i am, where i am etc. And i also believe if we’re are into them, this would make us feel happy and loved and not turned off by it, if we feel that way, i can safely say we’re not that into them. And one day i saw him at the lobby dropping off this girl that i dislike at work. I joked to him one day when i mention my dislike of her ‘if i ever saw u with her, we’re done’ and it happened. He never contacted me again and he always avoid me when he sees me (even from his car!) There another case of being close with a guy for for whole months where he replied to my text every 3-5 hours and never seemed to be interested in hearing from me. After holding back for so long, i got my guts up and ask him what did he want because everytime i pulled away he always seemed to come and look for me and at one point i didnt think i deserve to be treated that way, all i did was caring for him and falling in love with him and showing him the real me so that he would love me back and he said ‘sorry im just not ready yet. Can we start over as a friend?’ Now i can reply ‘are u effing kidding me after 4 months?!’ But at that time i said ‘no i dont think so’ it wasnt the easiest thing to do but i guess since my heart was so broken by him by brain took the lead and telling me what will happen if you continue with this guy. He was so emotionally unavailable he was so blind to how i was feeling and it was all about him him and him. So i believe rene’s points are valid if you have been with your partner for a long time and have nothing else to talk about like the last relationship i had lasted for 2 years until i felt like we have nothing to say (more like me have nothing to say to him) i wasn’t that into him as he was me but i appreciate him and respect him and willing to give him and myself a chance at happiness but when that time i wasn’t happy because i didnt have a vision of what i want to do with my life, losing the sense of me and having him in my life does not make me feel better. It just felt like he’s taking my time and bothering and suffocating me. But it wasn’t because i was cheating on him and i told him that before i broke up with him. He said he loves me because i can be trusted amongst other things. Im not a total feminist so i guess im an neutralist but i do believe women has the right to be communicate their need since the beginning of knowing someone. If you feel like he’s method of communication bothers you. You should let him know by talking to him like adults, if he freaks out and leaves you than he’s not worth your time, if he stays and willing to change for you that you’ve got something good going on. it should be a test to everyman out there that they need to cater to our needs (to be heard and understood) as much as they need to be left alone (heard and understood as well) we, women need to learn how to ask for what we want and need but never to beg and men needs to communicate correctly and not shutting off completely. Out of all the cases ive seen around me, when a man/or a woman for that matter does not contact you (reduced significantly) it’s safe to say either : they’re seeing someone else behind your back, they’re longer interested in you but won’t leave because you’re the only choice they have (for now), they’re emotionally unavailable (but if you’re that attractive to him, trust me they will be open and available for you), they have somethings that’s going on their lives (again, when they’re into you they will let you in and share the burden not shutting you off). I believe that giving a person some time could do wonders but if that person wants to move on from you during that time you’re giving them they will use that time to stray. My advice to all the the people who are in relationship ruts, find something else to do that makes you happy and fulfilled even if it means being alone (i travelled far far away alone after a break up, didn’t not make me forget him but it changed me for the better) and that’s hard to change your focus from him to you but in the end you have to put you first, i know im gonna sound petty for saying this but if he can put himself first and puts you second or ninth why cant you do the same (not revenge but fairness) and let him walk in our shoes for a mile or so.

    Cheers

  • novangely says:

    Nice post!
    Thanks for sharing it.
    I wish I read it sooner. I broke up with my boyfriend recently because of this forget-no-calling thing. Most of what you wrote here happened to me. We were on long distance relationship, lasted only few months because of this. I felt strange with the decrease of texts and calls after he told me he love me and know I feel the same. Those make me feel he does not love me anymore and I am not important to him that made me upset. My upset showed when he called me and last time I was mad and that was the last time I heard from him. I am so sad losing a good man but I take it as a learning point to do better with the next one.

  • Madel says:

    My boyfriend calls me if he doesn’t get a text or call from me during the day and asks about it. I say that I didn’t want to bother him. And if I call when I don’t hear from him during this whole dsy, he’ll say why are you burning my phone up. When I called only once. So I decided not to call nor text him unless I have to and he’ll be the one calling me unless he was too tired and forgot like a man that he is. My advise, do not chase men let him chase you. It’s more fun

  • Vi K says:

    oops i posted it twice

  • Vi K says:

    I just started reading this and I actually read all of it. I wanted to vent. So I am 18 and I am a woman. I met this guy when i was a freshman lets call him James…. James and I never talked freshmen year probably only once or twice. Like small talk. We werent friends. I was the nerd goth girl and he was kind of popular I guess. Anyway that doesn’t matter. We just started talking like december 10th and everything is still pretty new. I been cheated on and I been in a LDR sort of last year so I am still getting over my bitterness towards men. James is my age and we have so much in common. I really like him. I am new at relationships I don’t really like to deal with them I guess. Because I was not allowed to date in highschool. Anyway he is so sweet he wants to come here to see me and date me. But I guess it pisses me off when he doesn’t call or text me back. My last relationship the guy cheated on me and it only was like a month i think. But he was dumb. Then this other guy lets call him Lake we weren’t datiing but we liked eachother and planned on dating but i got mad at him for reasons like never trying, never calling, saying he would call and didn’t, I was really emotional and young. I still am young. But i feel like my relationship with james can blossom into somehting more. I want to be less angry with him but at the same time it bugs me that we have to change or adjust ourselves for the man we like. It bugs me that james was messageing me alot and everything when we first started talking last month and now we aren’t even dating hes calling me babe… HELLO!!!! ask me out first. But anyway we talk alot about these things. And for me as a person who has been cheated on, been lied to , been hurt, and been independent I need to step back sometimes and let james take over. I trust him to take over. By that I mean message me , call me. I am not saying I don’t do anything but its like he should be the one to step up and take control and I can recieve it and then make him happy because he made me happy. Don’t change yourself women!! If i man can’t handle your drama find a new man. If he is really worth it and you think you are being dramatic and have problems then sure change for yourself. Let me be clear that a man shouldn’t have to have it easy. Why should a woman change everything that we were built to be like for the attraction and affection of a man… its not about whats fair or not fair. its just whatsup.

  • Paul says:

    Real men date and court a woman, ttexting and phone calls are for setting up dates and saying I was thinking about you. When you over communicate ladies you take all the mystery out of the relationship and all the wonder as well. Plus men like having real sex women like fantasy more, only on a real date at night is there a chance for a man to guide you toward having sex! Sexting does none thing for men at all so stop askng us to do that we hate it!

  • Ames says:

    I wish I would’ve read this 2 mos. ago. Probably could’ve save a good thing.

    • Anonymous says:

      Right lol.I really like my boyfriend. But tonight I was so pissed that he didn’t call that I threw my phone against the ground. (Fed up. Luckily it didn’t break because of my case) Guess I’m a brat Idk. I mean he calls every night after work and I love talking to my babe. It’s rare that we go a night without talking otp. We’re in a long distance relationship. (He lives like 45mins away) We text on a regular basis. But before we actually started dating he would blow my phone up with texts and calls. And I liked that. It was flattering & made me feel important & wanted. I guess that’s why I feel the way I do. Because I feel like he doesn’t show me as much attention as he did before we decided to be in a relationship. I mean when we’re together in-person it’s perfect. He acts amazing, funny, talkative, sense of humor. But sometimes, he doesnt call so I do & it pisses me off cause I’m not used to that grrrrrrr…I’m so glad I read this article.

  • Lizy says:

    I was also being used for financial gain.when he was abroad all the calls would stop. Unless his money ran out. This is not the same for all men. Sometimes I can say I used to wait for a reply. Now I think one should be so occupied in learning or persuing hobbies instead of waiting on a message or call. Do men cancel a game of footy just in case she replies to a message???? Never lose yourself in the process of finding love. SOCIAL MEDIA DOES NOT HELP!!!! Its hard to hold a normal conversation with anyone nowadays as someones always messaging mid conversation. I find it rude to talk without eye contact and secondly everyone has the right to be listened. I think phone free timings at home would benefit most relationships. Talking is real communication.

  • Hangsy says:

    My then fiance used to call and text a bunch a day but then we got married and communication went south. I used to get worked up on the deterioration rate but then grew tired and stopped caring, that is when it hit him that i gave up on him. I started getting busy with people that enjoyed my company, this worked like a charm now he is trying to win me over….mmmh its going to take him a looooong time to win me over.

    • Hazel Kong says:

      That’s how I broke up with my ex. He tried to win me over, but sorry that was it. But then, I was 21 and marriage is too far away. 🙂 Hope he wins you over and learns the lesson.

      • Hangsy says:

        Sadly i have just found out three days ago that he has been cheating on me since the day we got married. That sun of bitch, my first reaction was to file for divorce asap.

  • Former says:

    What if you are a woman with the opposite problem? Men text and call me too often. I routinely open my phone to find entire stupid novels written by them to me about their day or fantasies about wanting to see me. This stuff is stupid and suffocating and I seem to bring it out in every man I meet. What am I doing wrong that I keep turning men into needy, chatty women? 🙁

    • Hazel Kong says:

      Mind switching our problems? LOL :'<

      • Former says:

        I will trade it with you in a New York second. Beware though: it will only be fun for about one day. After about 48 hours of it you will become very, very tired of it. Men don’t text the same way we do. It’s more, shall we ah say, um… intense. :/

    • T Bonz says:

      How’s that going for you now? If it’s still going, tel us what you don’t do our do that you think makes them that way. Sound like we need ur wisdom!

    • Joe says:

      The way you worded your post, Former, you sound like a bitch, so I would think that is your real problem.

      Think about working on that instead.

  • Victoria Hunter says:

    I walked away from the article the moment I read “relationship is not the malet priority” if the woman was world famous like Beyonce hed be rushing to call. To me that line is a red flag that clearly says, that men of today simple is looking for something fast and want to sleep around,avoid any emotionally connection. Please don’t beat me up for noting the underlining truth of that line. You said it, you just masked it. Like men of “today” wear a mask. So basically many men are wasting a woman’s in person time on the first meet, simply to boost their egos and once that is fulfilled, calling her is at the very bottom of the least. this is exactly why long term relationships or any real ones have become rare. The men are asking the woman to beg and chase and then complaining when they have had enough of it and calling them sluts and needy. So basically what you said proved men are wasting women’s time, with exchanging numbers and chatting on streets and bars. but as soon glad they hit 45 (with staggering erections and pop bellies, and debts) the number arent coming at them as fast, and people they know have marries and now they have no one to chill wit, they start trying to rush out there looking for a fine woman, hopefully one who is nice and younger and will build up their deflating ego. There are more women looking for relationships than men, and willing to committ, so it clearly shows what gender is the sources of this problem with
    also men should consider that women are on a clock with their eggs and birthing ability. ( to birth without risking life)
    Don’t see it as desparate, see it as valuing oneself and time that the body has go work fully in a relationships and reproduce.
    and about the hunter thing. If men were like the native American hunters, they would chose a wife young, not once they hit 45. At that age, Natives would look upon you as no hunter, but an wild animal not of god, masking like a hunter.

    • Renee Wade says:

      No.

      This is reflecting your own view of the world. Not what my words meant.

    • Nice* says:

      Soooooooo true. Men are given the freedom to be “themselves” and we are supposed to understand them. Act like a lady think like a man BS…I hate these articles that excuse men for not catering for our needs!

      • Proudly Aqua says:

        I just think that what the writer means is we need to understand that males and females are different. Personally as a female, I think women portray themselves as perfect when it comes to relationships and men have all the faults. I guess phone calls is just one of the many things a man is supposed to do for his woman… so if he isn’t doing that he can be excused except that is your priority. The truth is whether a man calls you or not… you know when your man loves you. There are many other ways of expressing love than phone calls. I am probably one of the few females who doesn’t want to be bothered. There are days my man and I talk, there are days we don’t talk.

    • Pry says:

      I agree with you.

  • Sarah Jayne says:

    what if a guy hasn’t called you for a week but was calling and texting regularly up until that point? as well as showing definite signs of being very interested in me and pursuing. P.S. i know he is away on a business trip so like in above post, he is doing something life or death for him right now …. right ? 🙂

  • firda says:

    I’d like to positively think that it might be the reasons why he gradually texts and calls much less. But the other part of me thinks that his attention might be distracted by emotional relationship with another woman. If he is, i really wish i had the proof so i could dump him off right away and i don’t have to waste my time investing in this relationship anymore.

    But, once again it’s just my hunch, but it still bothers me just to think about it.

    I believe that man is simple and obvious. When he loves something, he’ll show it. When he doesn’t, he’ll just avoid it.

    On certain period of time, when we were strongly connected emotionally, he came strong. My phone was flooded with his sweet texts incessantly.

    But you know that in established relationship, sometimes there are times when it can be a little bit off because of one thing or another. In my case, it’s because we are too busy on weekdays so that we can only meet once in a week on sunday. And worse, during this critical period, our communication is getting very loose. We only communicate by online chatting once in a while on daily basis. But it feels like, the pattern of our communication is stale, and i feel like, so is our relationship. He never even calls me for a week or so. Frankly, i’m very upset. I do not expect long lovey dovey call, just a short sweet call will do. Is it too hard? Is it too much if it’s what it takes to save our relationship? Doesn’t he care about what goes on in my life when he’s not around?

    I’ve tried to tell him gently how i feel. He said sorry and else, but he never makes it up to me. It even seems like he doesn’t even try to put any effort to make things right. And the vicious cycle keeps going on.

    We are actually in a serious commited relationship and are planning to get married like a half year from now. But seeing the nature of our relationship we’ve been through, it really makes me in great deal of doubts, whether i should really let it move to the next level and gamble if he’ll make positive difference or just throw it off.

    And eventually, it only makes me wonder every now and then, if he’s seeing another woman. You know as i said, men are obvious. He’s getting more distant perhaps because he loves and cares about me less, or else, he might be investing his time to someone else who draws much of his attention.

    Sometimes, out of my frustration during the time when he’s emotionally unavailable, i’d really want to get out of this relationship. I become ridiculously suspicious on him. I suffer emotionally. And it doesn’t feel like i’m in a healthy relationship.

    But then, i don’t wanna seem like i actually suffer because of him. It makes me look weak and vulnerable. So, i play it cool. If doesn’t call (well, he never does) and text me, i don’t nag or complain. I act like nothing happens, even if it gnaws my heart badly inside. Sometimes, i intentionally take very long time to reply his texts and i don’t let him know what i’m doing or my whereabouts. I want him to feel how i feel. It sounds like a revenge (well, it is.)

    It only makes him miss me more for a short period of time, but it’ll get back to the old boring communication pattern, the fundamental issues aren’t solved.

    I love him. But i have to love myself more, don’t i? Why should i stay if it only makes me hurt and unhappy?

    I urgently need some good advice.

    • Lizy says:

      If you have a hunch its usually a good indication. Im talking from personal experience. I was married to someone who was addicted to social media. He cheated online and I caught him out. He would be sneaky and put pins on his gadgets and secretly open tabs. I printed his messages and gave handouts to his family so he couldnt deny it. Every woman deserves respect and honesty. When we become emotionally attached it can blurr our judgements on peoples character and intentions. It was hurtful and after 3 years its over. I cried and I felt betrayed but I came back stronger.i was very insecure and needy.i have now realized I need to know who I am and what I am as a person in my own right before I form any strong relationships. I am me and now I love me. I have self worth and respect. Now its a case of I am me in my entirety…….Are you worthy of me??? If not I do not need to depend on anyone for my happiness. NEVER form relationships out of loneliness. Love your self first and let the right person be part of who you are and even if it takes a long time….id wait…if not so be it im happy just being me 🙂

  • fatima says:

    My husband stop calling me because I try to know why he doesn’t like making love to.and I find out that he is seeing some other women.right now I don’t know what to do.he will live the me for weeks without calling or texting me.

    • Hangsy says:

      You know what to do but you are afraid and seeking validation from strangers. Leave him before he gives you STDs or worse HIV.

    • Lizy says:

      Leave him and save yourself from the hurt. You deserve the best. Let go and you will feel liberated. Your saying I deserve better and I no longer will be treated this way.

    • Kate W says:

      You clearly don’t value yourself. Why sit there and be treated like dirt

  • anna says:

    Which James are you? Why don’t you try calling your mistress more often? Maybe she’ll appreciate your calls more.

  • James says:

    You know… all of this makes since in one respect. But from my viewpoint it is too narrow. There are “masculine men” (of which I am one) who tend to take on the opposite role. There is nothing I enjoy more than texting and talking with my wife during the day. Not just for “important” things, but usually just to chat with her or tell her I’m thinking about her or that I love her. I work in a rather relaxed environment with time flexibility and she is a stay at home wife. We are older and there are no young children there during the day that she must care for. She says that texting and talking on the phone just isn’t her thing. Most of the time if I get a response from a text it will be a couple hours later. Same on a phone call. Any time I bring up the subject, she either gets angry or just laughs it off. She says that she does not carry her phone with her everyplace she goes. But here’s the irony for me… before we got married, she had one of those flip phones that was annoyingly hard to text with, but she did it quite frequently then, along with calling and answering calls. The other thing is that now, when we are together, she seems to always have it with her. She seems to always answer it quickly when someone else calls. She replies to text messages and is frequently checking her Facebook on her phone. I have no trust issues or thoughts of any infidelity, I just would like her to be more responsive to my need of communicating during the day. I do not consider myself “a more feminine man on the inside” as was stated in the article above, but I am a “romantic” and have ideas of what a love relationship should be; among that is where both people should consider the other person’s needs and feelings. At first, (we’ve been married a about 2 years now) after we were married, I’d text or try to call pretty often and would be somewhat “hurt” when she wouldn’t reply or answer. But for the past many months, I try to only call her if it is absolutely necessary and only text about 2 times in a 9 hour work day. I have made that reduction for me as much as her. Because the more I do it, the more frustration and hurt I get due to her lack of repsonse. It causes me such frustration and hurt that sometimes I want to be childish and ignore her call or text on the rare ocaission that she does so. (And the only time she does so is if it is something specific that she has a question about, not “just to talk”). I would sure like to hear a female’s response to what may help. Most of these blogs and sites just stereotype men as the ones who won’t call or text or who seemed to be oblivious to the sensitive romantic side of a woman. We really seem to be a bit reversed here. Thanks for reading.

    • Anonymous says:

      I am like you and my boyfriend like your wife. I am sensitive when it comes to this topic. My boyfriend used to call me nearly every night and we would talk for hours. Now he calls me maybe once every two weeks and we would speak for barely 30 min. It’s like now that he got me he shouldn’t make an effort to keep me anymore. He, as your wife, always responds to other people IMMEDIATELY and take forever to reply me. It is so hurtful. I should mention we are in a long distance relationship, so FaceTime and texting is a bit bigger of a deal for us. Or for me at least. He claims he is just too “busy” with his schoolwork but he got plenty of free time in the afternoon/evening and in the weekends. Yet he never calls me, so I have called that excuse invalid. No one is too busy to talk to someone they really wanted to talk to. Am I being ridiculous for wanting to see and talk to my boyfriend more than just once or twice a month? And we meet every 2 months. Also, you might say, “why not just call him yourself” – whenever he calls me and i don’t answer, barely 10 min later I call back, and he has found something better to do. This has happened quite a lot. I cant call him myself not because he is busy, but because he doesn’t want to talk most of the time. And he will call me whenever he wants because he is always expecting me to be available for him. When he is never.

      • Ash tinson says:

        Wel,tats because he knows u are available 24*7 and thatsy he calls at his will, .. He is Completely aware of the fact that whenever he calls you, ul always answer his Phn calls. And u on the other hand always pick up the phone because u know he wouldn’t b available after tat.
        Think now, why not turn the tables ? Why not exchange the roles a bit ?
        I’m not saying you become entirely like him, but yes start mirroring his actions a bit…
        Next time he calls, don’t pick up the phone….dnt callbak.. Let him wonder what’s going on with you that u aren’t suddenly available… This would make him wonder about u more n eventually cal u more..
        U need to hv patience n resist the temptation to cal him often, get busy…
        Eventually, aftr few miscalls from his side, you callbak just once or twice… But not more. If he picks up the phone, his luck… Else you continue the above cycle again.
        If even he responds by not toking to u fr days, then I’m sorry u bettr move on… Cuz u dnt wanna stay with a guy who doesn’t even know ur worth 🙂

      • Ash tinson says:

        Wel,tats because he knows u are available 24*7 and thatsy he calls at his will, .. He is Completely aware of the fact that whenever he calls you, ul always answer his Phn calls. And u on the other hand always pick up the phone because u know he wouldn’t b available after tat.
        Think now, why not turn the tables ? Why not exchange the roles a bit ?
        I’m not saying you become entirely like him, but yes start mirroring his actions a bit…
        Next time he calls, don’t pick up the phone….dnt callbak.. Let him wonder what’s going on with you that u aren’t suddenly available… This would make him wonder about u more n eventually cal u more..
        U need to hv patience n resist the temptation to cal him often, get busy…
        Eventually, aftr few miscalls from his side, you callbak just once or twice… But not more. If he picks up the phone, his luck… Else you continue the above cycle again.
        If even he responds by not toking to u fr days, then I’m sorry u bettr move on… Cuz u dnt wanna stay with a guy who doesn’t even know ur worth

      • Proudly Aqua says:

        For a distant relationship…. that’s not good enough.

    • Super Janice says:

      What makes you think that you’re masculine? You like to protect her and let her surrender to you?

    • Proudly Aqua says:

      I think your wife delays in responding to your calls because she’s familiar with you. I suggest you get used to it but if it bothers you so much…. feed her with her own poison.

  • Ana says:

    Well, i have never had this problem with my partner, he always calls me very often:)

  • Therese says:

    Thank you for this… I just spent two days confused and hurt over my boyfriend telling me that we talk on the phone way to long and MEN don’t do that..
    My initial response was to express my hurt and tell him I didn’t see the problem as long as our conversation was productive and meaningful..
    After reading this blog I see where he’s coming from as he has expressed a lot of the things you have explained. I guess he was right saying “you hear me but you’re not listening”
    Thank you. I will be a better listener

  • Vana says:

    In the past, I have badgered men who seldom called but this last guy called and I was happy to hears from him. But if he left message and I attempted to return the call, I would leave a voice mail message and he would not cali. He never got the message. He only had a cell phone and claimed never to have gotten any messages. He concluded fro this that I was not interested . I was frustrated because I could never talk to him on the phone ALWAYS VOICE MAIL. I began to feel neglected and unwanted . I was having a relationship with his phone and not him. Finally he emailed me to say he was marrying someone else because he felt neglected by me. I expressed to him that the phone communication was horrible and that he knew nothing about How I felt. He apologized for causing me any pain and that was that.

    • noname says:

      I had a guy I fell for he texted me crazy I was something magnificent for him everything was just perfect for weeks!!! Suddenly out of blue he became very rude then just vanished didn’t even reply or what haven’t heard about him anymore.

  • Isabel Attu says:

    Hi Renee. I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday for this exact reason. He NEVER calls! i had complained about it countless number of times and it was driving me crazy. I must admit though that this post makes a lot of sense and it has had me looking at things from a whole new perspective. I don’t know if i want to take him back but i certainly have a better understanding of why men do that. Thanks a million:)

  • Carla Argonza says:

    do all the information in your articles are effective and can be trusted? I have tried your advices but it doesn’t seem to give me the result that I am expecting. I am with my boyfriend for 2 years and a half now. I know that he loves me but our relationship seems not balanced. It feels like I am giving much more in our relationship than he is. I want him to atleast put more in our relationship and to me.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Carla, not sure what exact results you’re after. Sounds like you’re expecting a specific thing back from him. Eg; that he give back in your way of perceiving love (that he may not even know about or know that it looks like love and ‘effort’ to you).

      On the other hand, consider if you’re in it to get something. If you are, then think about whether that really is a relationship. When do things only to get something back and not because it’s who we are, we become miserable, because it’s an exchange, not a relationship.

      There are tonnes of other relationship advisers out there too, maybe they put it simpler and easier than I do..just do a google search.

  • Joseph says:

    I will tell you why men won’t call , it’s because the majority of the phone lines are tapped and they don’t want any other man cutting in on their territory , most men walk away when they think someone else has been fishing in their pond unless they have a strong attachment to the woman and even then after a while they will feel it’s a waste of time and walk away , my advice to women , is if there is a man that they want be faithful to him confront him and talk to him in a straightforward honest way so he feels secure that he can trust you , he may say yes he may say no but pro-crastenateing and doing nothing will only wastes time out of your life
    .

  • cenia says:

    Every blogs you have been passionately sharing to your readers are a treasure indeed!!! Very insightful and full of wisdom. 🙂 seriously às I was reading I felt like this is exactly what is happening to me and my man… I am on the process of following ur helpful tips, especially now that I understood why men wont call at times:)

    Thanks a lot Renee

  • Rita says:

    Hi Renee,

    I have been reading your advice for about a year now, but this blog really hit home with me. Thank you for this peek into the wonderful male mind!

  • Stells says:

    Once more dear Renee, your article is timely and so spot on. Been dating my bf for close to two months now and I noticed he hardly calls,but we chat every single day, no matter how tired he is. When I asked why he doesn’t really call, he told me he’s not the calling type since he doesn’t talk much(he’s rly shy, very quiet and awkward with verbal conversations, kinda drains him), yet, I kept having doubts that he was losing interest. Now I’m at ease, will let him be and appreciate the effort he makes 2 communicate. Thanks so much Renee. You rock!!!

  • Tyler Noelle says:

    Its this new guy I have been talking to for about 2 weeks now and I like him alot. We just met last week. We did the video chat a few times, texted and he called me a few times but now after this week passed, he hasnt called me at all. I mean we still text everyday but I would like a phone call more often too. I mean we did just meet, why is he withdrawing from calling me so soon? I always call him at the wrong time. He’s always sleep or so he says. We cant get to know each other more just through text and occasional face to face conversations. I just feel like something is missing and I dont get it! Should I just stop talking to him altogether? How can I get him to call me more? Does he even like me or is he losing interest? I dont know what to do! Renee I need your help!

  • John South says:

    Most men hate talking on the phone, that’s the way it is.

    It’s a chore you do to be in a relationship with a woman.

  • Roger says:

    Hi Renee,

    I’m a Male. I was about to go to a website which I like to read called Return of Kings. A catchy phrase I saw on it “For Masculine Men” gave me the idea to Google “Feminine Women” to see if there were any attempts being made by some women in the Western world to reacquaint themselves with femininity.

    Your site appeared in the to 10 Google results. I proceeded to read some of the sites, and one said that a Feminine Woman doesn’t curse. I agree with that statement, being of the opinion that the more a woman curses the less feminine it makes her.

    I used to live in the States, and one thing that made me leave was the dearth of Feminine Women. That’s why I live overseas now in a place where women are very feminine, and don’t curse (at least not openly; Perhaps they do but when others aren’t there? I don’t know).

    When I looked at this website and was scanning the titles of articles, one of them had something jarring that took away some of its femininity, at least for me. What I noticed was the word “blowjob”, which in my opinion feminine women would only utter in hushed tones, while giggling perhaps, but certainly not matter-of-factly as it appeared in the title of the article that had it.

    I know that women in the western world trying to become more feminine have a gargantuan task ahead of them, and I give them all the credit they deserve, and one way I’m doing that is by pointing out what I saw as not fitting in with the purpose of the site.

    Sincerely, Roger.

    • Babushka says:

      Thank you, Roger. I must add that is a a fearful thing — read: a thing to do which is full of fear — to be a feminine woman in the states. It gets many females into scary situations. Helpless situations.

      But, yes! That bj article sort of left a bad taste after I finished reading. I felt confused.

      Where is there the article that talks about why men do not know how to be tender & vulnerable in bed, in return? Tenderness & vulnerability in a man is so good for igniting passion in the heart of a woman.

    • Former says:

      I’m an American woman who lives overseas. Yes, they’re swearing while you’re not there. Domestic and foreign women easily can identify American men. Neither wants you. We behave accordingly to make you go away. Not meant as mean, just facts. American men are more feminine than other men. Women want to be with men – not other conniving women. When American men come sashaying up looking for a mommy we all look at each other then get scarce or drive you away.

  • Julia says:

    This is such an important article. I have been through so many fights with my boyfriend about this very issue, and at times I thought it might be the end of the relationship. I just couldn’t understand why he didn’t prioritize making time for me. And I wasn’t asking for a lot, just 15-20 minutes or even just a text message or two during the day.

    One day, when we were having this talk again, he finally said in exasperation that he couldn’t “constantly be in contact with me.” It blew my mind that to him, what I was asking equated to “Constant contact.” I went over that again and clarified it. It was stunning! We were worlds apart in what we saw this as — I was asking for a minimum amount of attention during the day, and to him it was me asking for CONSTANT contact. Nothing could show me with greater clarity that men and women truly think of things like this in a different way.

    Once we got on the same page about what these things meant to us, the fights died down. I came to understand that I wasn’t asking for something so little (and therefore, him not being able or willing to give it to me wasn’t as insulting as I was seeing it as). And he came to understand that I needed more than he was giving, but less than what he perceived to be constant contact.

    We came to a compromise — I would let him maintain radio silence throughout the day, and at the end of the day, we’d have a nice conversation. (I travel a lot for work, so phone contact is necessary). And I always make the phone conversation pleasant for him. Once, I picked up the phone and answered with a, “Yaaaaay! My favorite part of the day!” and it really touched him to know that the act of him calling me was something I was looking forward to, and that he could make me happy with something so simple.

    At the end of the day, I know this wouldn’t have worked out at all if we didn’t deeply love the other person. The fighting was tough, but I think we had to hash out some fundamental differences in thought. Not to make them similar, but to come to a better understanding of how the other person thought. Turns out, he is a VERY VERY typical masculine-thinking man. And I am a VERY VERY typical feminine-thinking woman.

    Your articles have really helped me put some of that into perspective, so thank you!

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Julia,

      Thank You for this comment. I appreciate it and your comment is just as important as my article.
      It’s commendable that you rose above your own fears to understand your man better. You’ve reaped the rewards. 🙂 xx

  • Oma says:

    OMG. This is dead on exactly what I’m going through right now. I have been seeing this guy for a month. Spent the weekend with him. Then a week now he hasn’t called, not once and I’m asking myself if he really is interested in the relationship and me or not. Thank you for this Renee

  • Betty says:

    I really appreciate this article regarding how men think. Sometimes it is really hard to remember that a man’s perspective is much different than a woman’s. Your article helps a lot. Thank you.

  • Lisa says:

    I am dealing with this now. In our case, long distance, not committed, but he texts often. Trying not to freak as it is a weekend and no text Friday or today. In past if he did that, I’d hear from him on Sunday, which I hope is case now. I work third shifts and feel so vulnerable on weekends if I don’t hear from him, as his professional career usually allows him weekends for his time. Since we aren’t committed, but have been in touch and seen each other in the past year, crazy scenarios go through my mind. But I just try to stay calm, and had read this before so knowing punishing is pointless. I am happy because I feel less stressed to be miss active gal when often what I do on work nights is sleep during day and maybe go out for dinner and or get in a workout or yoga class. But the no commitment puts me on guard those days of no texts, and I think, is this it, the end? Then hopefully rational thinking says, it’s good. Enjoy when he texts again.

  • Sarah says:

    Renee, I love your articles they always make so much sense! I have a problem with my boyfriend. Ive known him for three years, and he is a very rough around the edges, ‘tough love’ kind of guy. He seems to be caring and loving and calling a lot mostly when things are good. But as soon as I am going through a very difficult time and need him the most to be my rock, he pulls away and disappears? WTF? He knows this upsets me because I’ve expressed it, but there’s always some excuse. Right now I am going through a very difficult time because something happened with a family member, and right on cue, he pulls away. For the last 3-4 days he hasn’t called to check up or see how I am doing, He just texts me one word “morning”, and that’s it. This time I am not even going to ask him why. I am over feeling this way, I want a man who is emotionally mature to be there for his woman, especially when he claims he loves her soooooooooooooo much, like he says he does. Your articles are true for the most part, and we need to have compassion for men, but sometimes they really are just selfish douchebags…and we need to be strong enough and trust our intuition when we know something really isn’t right, and stop making excuses for them…especially if you’ve noticed a pattern.

    • Anna says:

      Hey Sarah, I understand where you are coming from because this has happened with my man & my friends’ men. It turns out that most of the time they didn’t KNOW they were supposed to call & didn’t know that you needed that to feel comforted. And that does not mean that he is emotionally immature, per Se, it just means that his needs are probably not met in the same way as yours. And it probably means that he doesn’t know he was supposed to call you. Haven’t you ever had the experience of your boss getting angry at you because he thought you understood what he wanted & what he meant & you were like “um… You didn’t explicitly state that in the email?” If your man shows you he cares regularly I would cut him some slack & try to understand how HE shows love & why & how it might be different from yours.

    • Anna says:

      And I think he calls when things are good because he’s more free and relaxed, and probably when he doesn’t call, he is 100% focused on his “life or death” things as Renée calls it. And my guy friends say that when they don’t call they didn’t mean anything bad & they don’t understand why we are so upset even though it’s intuitive to us!

      • Sarah says:

        To be honest, I see your point…and in many cases it’s true; sometimes men don’t know what you need or don’t know what to do. But I’ve expressed to him clear as day what I need during these times but it’s like he’ll just agree in the moment, and then when the time comes to step up, he disappears again. And I’m direct about it too because I know men don’t really understand when us women are indirect and give hints…so I don’t beat around the bush, I will tell him exactly. But I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt too many times, and now I’m not going to keep making excuses for him. When he’s going through a tough time, he knows he can always count on me and he does…I don’t run away. It’s just sad when this kind of thing happens, but maybe it’s a blessing as well…because now I can get a glimpse of what life would be like if I married him: “When the going gets tough, HE gets going” lol

        • Anna says:

          Hey Sarah, yes, sometimes you have to choose to give him the benefit of the doubt or to move on. Only you would know whether he truly cares for you or not. Look inside. Does he? If so then you might be placing the meaning of “he doesn’t care ” or “he’s not there for me” on his actions. Only you know if it’s true. But in my experience I’ve learned that men don’t respond well to their lovers telling them what they need or what to do. I’ve been doing that for months & got nothing. It was when I told him how much it hurt, by crying, he realised that I was in need, that he came full force again, and realised that he hurt me. He realised what he had to do and step up. Maybe give your man the chance to do that by showing your vulnerabilities? I was lucky I was PMSing that week so I was highly sensitive to emotion all around 🙂 but he actually loved me more for it, & craved that openness,

    • Caddy says:

      Gosh this is so hard isnt it? When you’re afraid your being abandoned, you need to show more vuneranility by showing you enjoy the phone call. Thats my biggest struggle is being open when I percieve that he does not care… especially because ive been hurt by chposing men who were not ready to commit. Its just so ironicthat you get shallow commitment when you give out a shallow self. Thanks Renee!

    • angie says:

      Thank you Sarah. I see her point in the article and it makes sense but it does suck especially if you’ve been with them for 10 years and they still don’t understand a simple call or text wouldn’t hurt.

  • Ann says:

    Renee do you feel that the amount a man calls is in direct correlation to his interest in you? I’m referring to the courting phase, before he becomes your boyfriend. I only respond to men calling or texting me, I don’t pursue. Interested in your point of view.

  • Regina says:

    Good Morning! Great article. Thank you. I am in a new relationship and your information has been priceless. The man I am now seeing, after two months of everyday communication and a lot of time spent together, needed some time to himself. Because of your wonderful information in your program, I did not “freak out” and start thinking crazy thoughts. He is very much a strong Alpha male and I respected his needs. After a week and a half he called to see if I wanted to meet for coffee. I was genuinely happy to hear from him and said sure, of course I would like to meet for coffee. Upon our meeting, though, I could tell he was waiting for me to “blast” him, and when I didn’t (I instead greeted him with a big smile, hug, and a kiss) he was ecstatic. He asked me several times if I was okay, to which my response was yes, I was great. We had a very nice time and his level of interest in me has now gone through the roof. He calls/texts more than ever and his masculine energy is stronger than ever (to which my feminine energy is loving it)!
    I now understand his need for “regrouping” and my need to respect that and not punish him for being a true masculine man. Thank you for your wonderful wisdom and insights!!!

  • Golden says:

    I do think that sometimes a man would call less, because of a lack of interest. But some women really do overreact when a man don’t call as they think he should. I would know because I use to be one of them.

    What you said is true a woman who wants her man to call her more should be appreciative when he does in fact call. Otherwise she would just appear to him as a nag, especially if his reasons for not calling her all the time were stressful stuff he might have been going through. This has definitely changed my outlook. Thank you Renee. 🙂

  • Tee says:

    Wow, this cleared up alot. Men and women think so differently that it astounds me sometimes.

  • Lboogie says:

    Hey my best friend told me about your site last week and I am enjoying it. it is so on point and it make sense. I was tired of the same ole advise from others..you know the people say girl don’t call him or forget him if he doesn’t call. And I always felt like I needed closure and wanted to know why. Well this is helping me with understanding this guy who Iam dating who is a manly MAN.. so this is really helping me understand him. I was worried and mad over nothing. Thanks

  • Ifeoma says:

    Thanks a lot it was very helpful.

  • Donna says:

    Thank you for translating the foreign language of men into womanspeak… for me keeping busy and focused on my own projects with the same intensity and tunnel vision has definitely paid off in a successful life….in addition to showing my joy in his calling me…. always important to
    receive him vs. call him during his hunting time, I make it worth his while to call more often by waiting the number of days he took to call me to see him for my own strength and
    self esteem….”how’ve you been the last 3 days? great…yes I’d love to see you in 3 or 4 days…….if it takes him seven to call… it will take seven to see me….”sure I’d love to see you in a week”…. STAYING STRONG YOUR VALUE TO HIM INCREASES EXPONENTIALLY…and all the doormat feelings disappear too~

  • Kathleen says:

    Hello Renee,
    While I have appreciated your insight on this and other subject matter, I definitely don’t appreciate the occasional vulgarity which a truly feminine woman does not use. There is no need for it.

    • Anna says:

      I disagree that occasional vulgarity is not something a truly feminine woman needs to do. There is something called dark femininity which is inside every feminine woman & wields great power. Being able to bring out both at the right time is truly fabulous. Although I’ve never heard Renee say anything vulgar here, I still think it’s a vital part every feminine woman should have in their repertoire.

    • Mel says:

      Maybe you should concentrate on the message instead of a “vulgarity” or two?

    • Joeliene says:

      The use of vulgarity isn’t a masculine or feminine “thing”… it’s a “intelligence”/ “class” thing. Less intelligent people struggle with their limited vocabulary… and use vulgarities to make their point(s). Consequently, they come across as having “low” class. Alternatively, people with greater intelligence have a greater vocabulary and are able to communicate their ideas without resorting to vulgarities. And are often thought of as having “class”.

      Ultimately, if you’re crude and vulgar, you’re probably going to end up with a guy who is the same. Likes attract. Water find’s its own level. The GOOD news is that YOU’RE in control of what comes out of your mouth. Using crude or vulgar language is a choice.

      • angie says:

        I find that hard to believe. I’ve met plenty of intelligent women and men who speak very vulgar around certain people. It doesn’t mean their vocabulary is limited. I myself have a sailors mouth. It all depends who you’re around. Do you curse while talking to your mom or in a interview? No. So it matters.

      • jen says:

        Eh, it has more to do with where you grow up, the culture of where you have grown up. I know sweet little old women fron New Jersey, USA that curse like sailors–that is the norm there. I have met men from England who seemed so vulgar, even though they were well-educated…they simply spoke in the manner that they learned as youth…

  • serena says:

    Thats one great article Renee. I’ve been in a relation with a man for 6 years and I’ve observed this pattern. Once we were talking for 10-12 hours a day. now not even for 10-12 min.We both got busy with studies and job. I’m now trying to reconnect with the man because somewhere we lost connection between us. Whenever he calls, I just used to weep, blame, shout for not calling more often. Your advice sounds great. I’ll follow it and update with the result.

    • angie says:

      Me too Serena. Here goes nothing. I was about to call and yell he hasn’t even dropped a line on his lunch break.lol.Best wishes for your relationship 🙂 God bless

  • Peggy C says:

    The number one need of a man is to FEEL APPRECIATED – it makes them feel good. If he knows you actually appreciate his call by being excited, then he knows for sure those feel good feeling will happen when he talks to his girl. That’s Bliss for us!!!!

  • Anna says:

    Thanks Renee. Definitely it’s positive reinforcement (like being happy when he calls) that makes the change rather than negative reinforcement (because when you are pissed when he calls, he’s not going to want to call you!) Today, I had a good girlfriend of mine share songs of hers on her iphone. And whenever I didn’t know a song she played (about 75% of the time) she would look at me with these big disapproving eyes and go “OMG How can you not know this song??” or “Seriously you don’t know this song?? OMG!” And, in the course of only 5 minutes, I began to feel FEAR at her changing the song because OMG… I didn’t want to not know the song because then I would feel bad!!! Wow, and this fear happened in such a short time. I was literally thinking “please don’t change the song please don’t change the song please don’t change the song” & I could feel my heart racing! It made me want to run! That’s probably exactly what a man feels when he calls and the woman is saying “OMG finally you call!” or “Why don’t you call me anymore!” I totally get it now, and I’ve been practicing what Renee says in her blogs and now all of that is second nature & feels great. Now if he hasn’t called, and he finally calls, I get happy, because I love to hear the sound of his voice. We used to fight whenever he called. But now we always have great conversations & it builds the connection.
    The only comment I have to this article is that when you are happy when he calls, you have to actually BE happy, in all your cells. Because if you just force yourself to be happy, your anger or desperation will still show. It takes some practice to come into this state. I think the best way to practice is what Renee says – to place a different meaning on why he does not call, a meaning of positive intent.
    This is a great article Renee, but I’m wondering if we can answer a more global question with the advice here: How can we motivate him to put the relationship as #1?

  • ugomma udonsi says:

    Hi Renee,
    I really want to say a big thank you because of this article, ernestly this topic you have just handled is actually the issue lm facing right now. I have realyy drawn strength and courage from your elaborate explanations, so henceforth, l won’t be getting so bothered and angry for his very less calls. Keep up the goodwork and God bls you.

  • LC says:

    I can’t understand why any woman would want a man if she’s not important enough to him to make a 30 second phone call to see how she’s doing. Keeping in contact may feel “so awful” for men b/c they have “more important” things to do, but it’s the little things that can keep you away from the big pains like DIVORCE. “Man’s love is of man’s life a thing apart, ‘Tis woman’s whole existence.” Lord Byron

  • Octavia says:

    Thank you; light has entered I was always frustrated; now I know. I will now deal better with the sudden reduction of calls.

  • Fatima says:

    Thank you Renee, you are just the best.

  • Kris says:

    Thankyou Renee and David, once again a timely article! We as women spend way too much time over analysing men’s behaviour. I had a light bulb moment reading the conversation between you both. My man works away in remote and often challenging conditions, sometimes not calling me for a week or 10 days. I obsess over why he doesn’t call and then he does and for him it’s like nothing is wrong, while I’ve just spent days being eaten up by senseless obsessing over why he hasn’t called for so long! At least I’ve been reading your articles long enough to be happy and have fun with him when he does call. Understanding that him not calling as often as I would like has actually nothing to do with how he feels about me is a huge relief! He’s just being a man! Thankyou so much for this and all your articles. I’m actually surprised you can tear yourself away from gazing at and drinking in the smell of Tyson long enough to write anything! Congratulations and thankyou again xox

  • Tameka says:

    Thank you. This helps me somewhat. I’m one of those women that over analyze a lot. I won’t go to the guy with my problems, I’ll internalize it a lot because the majority of the time I believe I’m tripping.

  • Nic says:

    I agree with other comments Renee, you always manage to send an article about something that I need to read about at the right time, I don’t know how you do it, but it is amazing! So thank you 🙂 Keep up the great work xo

  • Barb D says:

    Hi Renee!

    Yes, this topic comes up again and again with most women I know/speak to. With my guy (we’ve been together 4 years), he says he doesn’t call because he “knows” me and “there’s nothing else to learn” about me. At first that upset me and I thought it was rude, but it’s like you said–guys just use the phone to get new information or set up dates, or get from A to B (and in this case, he already knows A-Z about me, so why bother calling?) In the beginning, the calls were every day and so romantic. Now there are no calls, but I do get texts almost every day, if he has something new to tell me about. I do the same for him. I used to get really upset when the calls stopped and I’d complain. Of course, as you said, that made him want to call less. So now, when he does call, I am very upbeat, hoping he’ll call more often, but not counting on it, for the reasons you stated in the article. We have good communication and a nice time when we are together, so I’m thankful for that. I do miss the calls of the early days, though. Nice memories. –Barb

  • Lauren says:

    Thanks so much for this article Renee!! While I am not currently upset with the amount of time me and my man spend on the phone, there is a bigger much more serious issue I am dealing with. You helped me get some clarity on the situation. You said that when a man is focused on something that can elevate his status in society, in this case it’s education, it becomes the most important thing in their life until they accomplish it. That sucks, but at least now I understand where his change in personality is coming from. I guess all us women can do is either be patient or move on. Thank you Renee.

    I was suffering from several sleepless nights, constantly on the verge of crying, and just plain feeling like I was not good enough. I’m not sure if you would agree but it seems like relationships are often number one in a woman’s life. At least it was in mine. It’s good to finally learn that men are just not wired this way. I was feeling that there was something wrong with me personally that caused me to not be the number one priority in his life. But due to the circumstances and your article I feel that no woman could be a priority at this point in his life.

    Again, thank you thank you thank you. I feel so much better. I hope you know what a difference you are making in women’s lives the world over. So grateful. (You give much better advice than my girlfriends lol)

  • Mona says:

    Renee this article is just what I needed to understand guys a lot better. Recently my boyfriend and I turned 6 months together, and although we share a lot in common, I get how when we talk in the phone it begins to get awkward..
    I’d really like to know how to be more understanding in that area, because I don’t think him not calling me is something worth dumping him for

  • Neferyuya says:

    yes, just enjoy your time together – as with the calls.
    Makes life nicer to just enjoy the company when you have it
    and not cloud things with worry.

  • Confused woman says:

    I’ve ditched many potential dates in the past because they texted instead of calling me. I just assumed they were being cheap and rude and that any real gentleman should call me to set up a date. Now I’m starting to understand the pattern. Thanks Renee, I wish I would have learned this valuable information earlier but it’s never too late. 😉

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hey 🙂

      That’s ok. You’re not the only one who feels they should have learned the important things earlier! Myself included.

      Xx

  • Serena says:

    Wow Renee,
    I don’t know how, but EACH AND EVERY SINGLE TIME I feel like there’s a problem in my love life, you write an article about it, like, RIGHT ON TIME.

    It’s amazing and scary at the same time…but THANK YOU 😀

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Serena, (I love your avatar pic)…I guess I’m living in your mind somehow. I can be scary like that, hehe!

  • Kendra says:

    Hey Renee! Good to hear from you again! Hope momhood’s been good to ya xD
    Just have to say this has become one of my favorite articles from you! It makes perfect sense. I know when I first dated my ex, he’d call and/or text EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Never skipped a beat. I actually got annoyed because he called too much.

    Eventually the calls stopped but I also noticed he talked to other girls more or even around the same time he said he was too busy to talk to me. In other cases, they were just focused on doing their thing.

    So I’d say this is true most of the time but it’s important to use good judgement as with any advice. And just remind yourself that you’re a woman and he’s a guy. Works for me 😀

  • Alicia says:

    My guy (we’ve been together over a year) calls me 1-3 times a day. How shall I view that?

    • Renee Wade says:

      GREAT! As long as you’re enjoying the calls.

      He may already get that you enjoy him calling, and so he enjoys calling you as well.

      Do the calls last for long?

  • Holly says:

    Yay :-), it’s great to hear from you Renee

    Before I knew anything about men’s behaviour I use to have the same female thoughts that you’ve just described. I’ve spent years researching men’s behaviour now so I wouldn’t worry about anything like this. In fact I’ve learnt enough about certain aspects of men’s behaviour that I feel I’ve become some what telepathic to men’s behaviour.

    Once I slept with a man that had been pursuing me for well over a year and then something interesting happened ,I witnessed male teleapathy. I don’t know how I know this but it clicked in my mind! He was really proud and even though the sex wasn’t amazing, he was still super into me.

    I noticed it as he was watching me while I was half sleeping and how he was proud to be out with me in the morning whilst he waited with me for my bus and his smile when his friend walked past and said hello to him.

    It was so bizarre but I felt telepathicly connect to his behaviour and thinking that it made me think so this is what it’s like from a mans perspective.

    As for weather a man would call or not I wouldn’t mind because I know that men are there own individuals at the end of the day and FACT! Wouldn’t it get boring and lose value if you know that someone is going to call every day. Wouldn’t it feel better if a man would call days apart as a nice suprice.

    The bottom line is that if I trust a man is good person that is honest and with integrity then what’s to worry about :-). Everyone has a life to get on with anyway.

    Maybe I’ve just trained myself up to be accomodating to other people, or maybe some people would veiw me as more masculine, or maybe it’s my Aries rising sign and numerology birthday number one making me the independent type. It could be anything contributing to my behaviour but they refuse to worry or concern myself over weather a man will call or devote himself to me and stay faithful.

    The only thing I need to do is be kind to myself, keep my options open for them best man, make a man prove that he’s worthy of my time and attention.

    I’m sure I was doing everything wrong with my life like overly concerning myself with other people and their feelings. As for now, am I going to get arrested because I took out a contact phone at the start if the year only to get told no miss Jenkins you can’t bring this phone back after two days of using because you signed a disclaimer saying no returns. I don’t think so! Which is why I dumped the phone in the shop and cancelled the direct debit 🙂

    It seems funny now I wonder why I would care and worry do much in the past.

    Most importantly what right has another human got to call me ugly or beautiful, with the ex

    • Holly says:

      That I should take their opinion as gosbal as if a another has the right to over ride me as a person. Sure I appreciate it when someone compliments me and I understand that some people will dislike me which is fair enough and a God given right.

      I think that all in all I’m done with worrying or concerning myself over letting other people rule my life it determining my worth.

      My dad has cut contact with me as I dared to voice up how I felt about his behaviour towards me, and to top it he saw me as a person in the wrong prior to him cutting contact with me as he only complained and picked fault at my behaviour when I was doing nothing wrong. It’s taken the work of a good psychologist to make me realise all this.

      Also my sister wasn’t treating me with any respect either and I spent my entire life living in her shadow with her thinking that it’s ok to talk down to me, gossip about my privite life even though I asked her to keep things to herself. She once said that men would look past me and her new boyfriend and his brother said to her that she made out to them like I’m ugly.

      Well actually I was in town on a night out and we were dancing to some men playing drums and they were singing to me that I have a sexy body to their drum music they were playing but when my sister was dancing prior to me they didn’t say anything about her body.

      I’ve got to the point were I’ve had enough of people with faults of their own putting me down in some shape or form. My sister is completely flat cheste, and is very disheartened by that fact. She has a lovely figure and a very pretty face so I’d only encourage her to focus on her good points but she does a good job of degrading me.

      Well I’m going well off track now but I’m to the point of saying to myself, sometimes it’s better if certain people don’t call or are no longer a part of my life. As for men that seems like so much less important than in comparison to if a family member would contact.

  • Susan says:

    Well said.. and makes a lot of sense!

  • blessing says:

    wow, this was really helpful, have been having serious issues with that. thanks alot renee. am happy i found this web page. you have taught me alot. hope to meet you someday.

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