My man and I openly discuss relationship topics and the differences between men and women very often. We are both very passionate about it and this mutual passion is one reason I can write this blog.

One day recently, my man David and I were having a conversation about why men don’t call and how women chronically over analyse when he doesn’t call – a conversation that just made me laugh in amusement.

I laughed in amusement because no matter how many times I have a new realisation about how different a masculine man is to a feminine woman, it’s always funny. It’s funny because what’s reality for a man is reality for a man and what is reality for a woman is reality for a woman and what’s silly is how both sexes try to make each other the same.

(Click here to take the quiz “How Naturally Feminine Am I?”)

I do stop laughing quickly, though. Because incredible pain and suffering comes for men and women who want a partner with the opposite sexual energy than themselves, yet every day they do things to try to make their boyfriend or girlfriend the same as them.

As women we expect men to think like women. That’s like asking a whale to think like a giraffe.  One is a sea animal and the other is a land animal. That very fact makes their motivations different. It makes their daily life different.

So Why Don’t Men Call More Often?

Reason 1) He is not interested in pursuing anything more with you.

If you feel like you want closure as to why he doesn’t want anything more; the most basic answer I can give you is that there wasn’t enough attraction between the two of you in order for him to break out of his man-world to pursue a long term relationship with you.

Attraction and Connection are what it takes for a man to commit further to a steady relationship. Without those two things, a relationship serves no purpose for a good, masculine man. Other than to drain his time and resources (even one woman can take all a man’s emotional and mental resources).

Reason 2) Reason 2 is what the rest of this article is about.

Well, sometimes, men call very often. Any woman who has had a man be in love with her knows this. The calling frequency doesn’t last. Not necessarily because he’s no longer in love, but just because the nature of the relationship has changed.

(Click here to take the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

But no matter HOW in love a man is with you, at some point in your relationship with a MALE, (if you want a long term relationship with a male), he’s going to be calling LESS than you wish he would.  If you stay together for enough years, and you give each other enough compassion and love, one or both of you will come to understand the other’s needs, and the HURT you feel about him not calling might occur less frequently. And HIS frustration over your need for him to call you may turn in to something he lovingly remembers to do.

Key word; remembers. Yes, calling a woman is a hell of a lot of work and effort for men. And for good reason.

Feel free to let out some anger over this if you want. Feel free to even hate me for delivering this information, I understand the magnitude of which this absolutely sucks.

You letting out your anger might not change the fact that calling is WORK for men, but at least it will lower your stress hormones over this and allow you to relax.

After doing that, I do invite you to come back and read.

My conversation with my husband David went (something like) this:

ME: SO many women have this problem of a man not calling them. *sigh in compassion and understanding for women*

DAVID: Looks at me.

ME: Look at him.

Pause.

DAVID: Well the reason men don’t call is obvious.

ME: Uh huh. So why?

DAVID: Because he is doing something important. (Insert serious face)

Pause.

He turns back to his emails and computer screen.

I start giggling.

He turns back to me.

He smiles.

ME: “BUT. From a woman’s perspective, we’re thinking, WHAT could be more important than calling ME???!!!!” (insert poor me face right here).

My husband works with women, too; helping them around the world get the commitment and relationship that other people envy. So his next reaction encompasses a deep understanding of women AND the frustration of the every day male.

DAVID: Hmph. Smirks. Then smiles and says “Women!”

Turns back to his emails.

But can’t he be more Considerate of MY Needs?

As a woman, reading this, right now…you’re probably thinking: “he’s doing something important. So what. What the hell does THAT mean. That’s besides the point. I’m hurting here.” “How insensitive!!”

And I’m here to suggest to you this:

What my husband said is every bit the point.

At least from a man’s perspective.

He didn’t mean: ‘you are not important.’ or ‘the woman is not important’

Although him not calling DOES give that feeling to a woman.

He means the MAN was doing something important to HIM.

What David meant when he said men don’t call because he’s doing something IMPORTANT is this:

He CAN’T call you because of these reasons:

1) Men tend to operate visually and it’s hard to talk to you on the phone therefore, he’s not that motivated to call. This isn’t about men being pervs. It’s about men being programmed for 84,000 generations to be hunters…men generally operate best through their visual senses, NOT their auditory senses.

Talking on the phone is an auditory act…he can’t flow with it as well as you can.

Women however, have been using their auditory senses for that 84,000 generations or more to talk to each other. We like the phone, we can spend ages on the phone just babbling.

Men use the phone usually to get from A to B.

A and B could be something related to work or it could be related to organising a date, or to get a piece of information, or to deliver information.

If the PHONE helps a man get from A to B then it suddenly becomes the best thing in the world.

2) He is used to you sounding unhappy on the phone.  

If you want him to call you and every time he DOES call, you’re trying to imply through the tone of your voice that you’re PISSED because he isn’t calling as much as you’d otherwise like, guess what happens?

He felt terrible on the phone with you, so it made matters worse.

They DO use it to chat, but usually they do this the MOST when they are first falling in love with a woman…and this initial in love phase passes. (You can still be in love, but it’s a little bit different).

3) He simply doesn’t value calling as much as you do. And it’s not his conscious choice; it’s how the masculine brain works.

Why?

Because his brain is involved with something ELSE that is important in his world.

And when he is involved with something else….he’s not thinking about RELATIONSHIP. He can’t  allow himself to be in a relationship without him first getting the important thing done.

With the exception of a time when he is in love. (See Why He Won’t Commit Article)

When you are in love, you expend a lot of energy doing things you don’t do when you are not in love; you expend energy on chasing and ‘wooing’ that person.

For example; you stay up all night talking to each other, you take notice of things about that person you wouldn’t normally take notice in other people, you forget to eat, and sleep, at times. Men call more often than they would when they have just fallen in love.

This all takes a lot of energy. And this energy expenditure is not something that is designed to keep going forever; it’s designed to progress to the next part of a relationship; which is baby making and baby raising. This is the process of pair bonding.

What’s ‘Important’ in a Man’s World can Feel like Life or Death in a Man’s world

And let me add, what is IMPORTANT in a man’s mind CAN be the difference between life and death. For HIM.

Let me explain.

When a man is focused on business or anything related to the progression of his rank in society (sports, work, entrepreneurial related tasks); it IS life or death. I’m not 100% sure men would describe it the way that I am since I am a female, but that’s how I’m describing it to you in order to help you understand.

It’s that important to him. But it doesn’t mean YOU are not important.

RELATIONSHIP is not the masculine priority.

‘Relationship’ in this case refers to calling to show that he cares. He often just forgets to call, and he does not have any bad intent when he forgets.

Do YOU have bad intentions when you make you both late to a party because you spent 3 hours getting ready?

I’ll just remind you of that one: he doesn’t have any bad intent when he forgets.

Do you have bad intent when you spend hours getting ready for an important party? Do you intend to hurt or piss off your man by spending far too long putting on make up, or doing your hair, and changing your mind about outfits?

The same lack of bad intent exists when a man is interested, but is doing something important.

How YOU as a woman view it and how it’s Different to a Man’s Point of View

To a woman, it is RUDE to suggest that you didn’t call because you were doing something important.

Why?

Because we imply meaning in words.

When someone says that they were doing something IMPORTANT and that’s why they did not call us, we think they are communicating that something else is more important than US. And that we are no longer loved in that moment and that person might abandon us.

It makes women angry.

It makes MEN confused.

A man’s confusion over this is JUST as innocent as a woman’s anger over this.

Neither of us have bad intentions with the other person, we are just being a man or being a woman.

The fact is, if a man doesn’t call for a few days or a week, or just a few hours, AND we are in an established relationship with him, we feel hurt. But we only feel hurt because of the meaning we place on his not calling.

RELATIONSHIP for masculine men is not number one.

It CAN be.

But I believe that takes time and the building of trust between two people.

If you want a long term relationship, you must be willing to have patience with a man. They are not as instinctively driven to connect as females are. Unless they are actually more feminine inside their physical body.

My honest belief is that in a committed relationship; for the relationship to work, both people must put each other first.  But if you don’t put each other first….the other begins to feel less significant and safe in the relationship. This becomes a huge problem.

And yet, though I believe this, I believe you have to ARRIVE at this place, after a journey together. You don’t usually START off there. You have to earn each other’s trust.

You can’t subconsciously demand that of a man 3 months or even a year in to the relationship.

Click here to know how to stay high value when when he pulls away

So How do you Encourage him to call more?

There are many ways to encourage him to call more.

The one suggestion I will make today is for you to do what is counter intuitive:

ENJOY every call he makes. Openly. ENJOY it so he can HEAR your enjoyment.

When he HEARS your enjoyment, he starts to have it ‘click’ in his mind that you actually enjoy it and he gets to feel successful rather than be told he’s a dick for not calling for a week.

Do you feel like Punishing him for not calling?

This is the common response from women. I’ve worked with enough women to see this pattern.

I’ve also been that woman.

It doesn’t work.

So enjoy the call; and that’s any call!

Counter intuitive, but definitely helps you a better catch than 99% of women out there.

Do you want answers to the questions you have about men? Click here to get the course Understanding Men.

Have the men you’ve dated in the past called MORE often than you’d like? Or LESS often than you’d like? Share your story with us!

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  • Joe

    Yeah, this was a pretty dumb article.

    I stopped reading when the author said that it is work for men to call.

    What?!

    Uh, no, it is not.

    They call and text their friends a lot. But you? . . .

    • You missed the point Joe. But if you don’t want to consider things such as

      1: context; and
      2: what it feels like for some men to call, when they are say, knee deep in a mission…

      that’s fine. People like you are not who this site is for. Just because you don’t think it’s work, doesn’t mean some men don’t feel it is work.

  • Kate W

    What a stupid article

  • Super Janice

    Talking in the phone is an auditory act. As a 18-year-old girl (born in 1998) who is auditory, I don’t call more often because:

    1) My only hobby is singing. I’ve being programmed for 18 years to be a “cassette recorder” and remember lots of songs I’ve listened, I can’t flow it as well as my mother and Renee can despite being auditory.

    Hence, like most men, I usually use the phone to get from A to B (It is usually homework)

    Instead of connecting with others, I prefer to investigate masculinity and femininity and reach a particular conclusion, that’s why I’m here sharing my opinion with you using my computer.

    2) I simply don’t value calling as much as my mother do. And it wasn’t my conscious choice. My brain is involved with my dreams. Dream about being a singer who sings her favourite songs. Dream about being my friends’ hero……

    In conclusion, I am basically different from Renee!

  • Caitlin Hawkins

    So what if this same man hurt you pretty badly in the past? And you feel he should be showing more gratitude that you’re speaking with him again, or giving him the time of day? I get that masculine me are wired differently . I guess at what point does it become disrespectful when he hasn’t openly apologized for the past but keeps saying he wants to get together when he has moved and his work situation has changed?

    • KEKE

      No apology then no remorse. Move on. His work situation could take years to change. Why would you be holding on for that. I’m sure you have expectations of the kind of relationship you want. If this isn’t it then wish him well with his life and find the kind of relationship you’re looking for.

  • nicpace

    I am so late to the party, aren’t I? I do believe that rene’s point are valid but to certain point only. I have experienced to have been at both the receiving ends. I’ve been the needy one (at least i feel like it) and the needed one and trust me both feel like shit. But i know one thing for sure, when we’re being the needy one, we’re definitely more interested that the other party. Not to say they are not interested in us but i can definitely tell we’re not their top priority. I have been closed with many guys but it rarely reached the long term dating phase. Why? I reckon because i did not do what rene was suggesting and while it pains me to not be able to undo anything thats been done, i believe it had to be done. I remember being very close with this guy for a whole month. He replied fast, he called when we’re planning to go out (this part is crucial when it comes to meeting, phone communication is paramount) but after work he just seems to vanish and replied a lot less. In the morning he would ask me out to go to breakfast together and this continued for a whole month. But something was off i felt it like he’s just not that into me because if he was he would be ‘needy’ he would want to know how i am, where i am etc. And i also believe if we’re are into them, this would make us feel happy and loved and not turned off by it, if we feel that way, i can safely say we’re not that into them. And one day i saw him at the lobby dropping off this girl that i dislike at work. I joked to him one day when i mention my dislike of her ‘if i ever saw u with her, we’re done’ and it happened. He never contacted me again and he always avoid me when he sees me (even from his car!) There another case of being close with a guy for for whole months where he replied to my text every 3-5 hours and never seemed to be interested in hearing from me. After holding back for so long, i got my guts up and ask him what did he want because everytime i pulled away he always seemed to come and look for me and at one point i didnt think i deserve to be treated that way, all i did was caring for him and falling in love with him and showing him the real me so that he would love me back and he said ‘sorry im just not ready yet. Can we start over as a friend?’ Now i can reply ‘are u effing kidding me after 4 months?!’ But at that time i said ‘no i dont think so’ it wasnt the easiest thing to do but i guess since my heart was so broken by him by brain took the lead and telling me what will happen if you continue with this guy. He was so emotionally unavailable he was so blind to how i was feeling and it was all about him him and him. So i believe rene’s points are valid if you have been with your partner for a long time and have nothing else to talk about like the last relationship i had lasted for 2 years until i felt like we have nothing to say (more like me have nothing to say to him) i wasn’t that into him as he was me but i appreciate him and respect him and willing to give him and myself a chance at happiness but when that time i wasn’t happy because i didnt have a vision of what i want to do with my life, losing the sense of me and having him in my life does not make me feel better. It just felt like he’s taking my time and bothering and suffocating me. But it wasn’t because i was cheating on him and i told him that before i broke up with him. He said he loves me because i can be trusted amongst other things. Im not a total feminist so i guess im an neutralist but i do believe women has the right to be communicate their need since the beginning of knowing someone. If you feel like he’s method of communication bothers you. You should let him know by talking to him like adults, if he freaks out and leaves you than he’s not worth your time, if he stays and willing to change for you that you’ve got something good going on. it should be a test to everyman out there that they need to cater to our needs (to be heard and understood) as much as they need to be left alone (heard and understood as well) we, women need to learn how to ask for what we want and need but never to beg and men needs to communicate correctly and not shutting off completely. Out of all the cases ive seen around me, when a man/or a woman for that matter does not contact you (reduced significantly) it’s safe to say either : they’re seeing someone else behind your back, they’re longer interested in you but won’t leave because you’re the only choice they have (for now), they’re emotionally unavailable (but if you’re that attractive to him, trust me they will be open and available for you), they have somethings that’s going on their lives (again, when they’re into you they will let you in and share the burden not shutting you off). I believe that giving a person some time could do wonders but if that person wants to move on from you during that time you’re giving them they will use that time to stray. My advice to all the the people who are in relationship ruts, find something else to do that makes you happy and fulfilled even if it means being alone (i travelled far far away alone after a break up, didn’t not make me forget him but it changed me for the better) and that’s hard to change your focus from him to you but in the end you have to put you first, i know im gonna sound petty for saying this but if he can put himself first and puts you second or ninth why cant you do the same (not revenge but fairness) and let him walk in our shoes for a mile or so.

    Cheers

  • novangely

    Nice post!
    Thanks for sharing it.
    I wish I read it sooner. I broke up with my boyfriend recently because of this forget-no-calling thing. Most of what you wrote here happened to me. We were on long distance relationship, lasted only few months because of this. I felt strange with the decrease of texts and calls after he told me he love me and know I feel the same. Those make me feel he does not love me anymore and I am not important to him that made me upset. My upset showed when he called me and last time I was mad and that was the last time I heard from him. I am so sad losing a good man but I take it as a learning point to do better with the next one.

  • Madel

    My boyfriend calls me if he doesn’t get a text or call from me during the day and asks about it. I say that I didn’t want to bother him. And if I call when I don’t hear from him during this whole dsy, he’ll say why are you burning my phone up. When I called only once. So I decided not to call nor text him unless I have to and he’ll be the one calling me unless he was too tired and forgot like a man that he is. My advise, do not chase men let him chase you. It’s more fun

  • Vi K

    I just started reading this and I actually read all of it. I wanted to vent. So I am 18 and I am a woman. I met this guy when i was a freshman lets call him James…. James and I never talked freshmen year probably only once or twice. Like small talk. We werent friends. I was the nerd goth girl and he was kind of popular I guess. Anyway that doesn’t matter. We just started talking like december 10th and everything is still pretty new. I been cheated on and I been in a LDR sort of last year so I am still getting over my bitterness towards men. James is my age and we have so much in common. I really like him. I am new at relationships I don’t really like to deal with them I guess. Because I was not allowed to date in highschool. Anyway he is so sweet he wants to come here to see me and date me. But I guess it pisses me off when he doesn’t call or text me back. My last relationship the guy cheated on me and it only was like a month i think. But he was dumb. Then this other guy lets call him Lake we weren’t datiing but we liked eachother and planned on dating but i got mad at him for reasons like never trying, never calling, saying he would call and didn’t, I was really emotional and young. I still am young. But i feel like my relationship with james can blossom into somehting more. I want to be less angry with him but at the same time it bugs me that we have to change or adjust ourselves for the man we like. It bugs me that james was messageing me alot and everything when we first started talking last month and now we aren’t even dating hes calling me babe… HELLO!!!! ask me out first. But anyway we talk alot about these things. And for me as a person who has been cheated on, been lied to , been hurt, and been independent I need to step back sometimes and let james take over. I trust him to take over. By that I mean message me , call me. I am not saying I don’t do anything but its like he should be the one to step up and take control and I can recieve it and then make him happy because he made me happy. Don’t change yourself women!! If i man can’t handle your drama find a new man. If he is really worth it and you think you are being dramatic and have problems then sure change for yourself. Let me be clear that a man shouldn’t have to have it easy. Why should a woman change everything that we were built to be like for the attraction and affection of a man… its not about whats fair or not fair. its just whatsup.

  • Paul

    Real men date and court a woman, ttexting and phone calls are for setting up dates and saying I was thinking about you. When you over communicate ladies you take all the mystery out of the relationship and all the wonder as well. Plus men like having real sex women like fantasy more, only on a real date at night is there a chance for a man to guide you toward having sex! Sexting does none thing for men at all so stop askng us to do that we hate it!

  • Ames

    I wish I would’ve read this 2 mos. ago. Probably could’ve save a good thing.

    • Anonymous

      Right lol.I really like my boyfriend. But tonight I was so pissed that he didn’t call that I threw my phone against the ground. (Fed up. Luckily it didn’t break because of my case) Guess I’m a brat Idk. I mean he calls every night after work and I love talking to my babe. It’s rare that we go a night without talking otp. We’re in a long distance relationship. (He lives like 45mins away) We text on a regular basis. But before we actually started dating he would blow my phone up with texts and calls. And I liked that. It was flattering & made me feel important & wanted. I guess that’s why I feel the way I do. Because I feel like he doesn’t show me as much attention as he did before we decided to be in a relationship. I mean when we’re together in-person it’s perfect. He acts amazing, funny, talkative, sense of humor. But sometimes, he doesnt call so I do & it pisses me off cause I’m not used to that grrrrrrr…I’m so glad I read this article.

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