You’re carrying a few new heavy items in to your home; your man helps you. No big deal, you think. It’s a man’s job to help.

He’s been out at golf all day. He comes home and wants to talk about every single outstanding shot he made. You’ve been at home all day, cleaning the house. You really can’t be effed. Plus, you’ve heard it over and over again. You’re sick of having to make him feel good, because YOU don’t feel good right now.

(Click here to download a copy of “Goddess Report”)

He comes home from the gym after a long work out, and flexes his muscles in clear view of you. He obviously wants your attention, admiration and approval. He wants you to appreciate his strength, or his body.

But, you think: “if I give him too much approval, too much attention…..he’ll get a big head!

The real meaning of getting a big head is: egotism or conceit.

Admiring a man and him getting a big head are two different things. Many women confuse the two. Somehow, sometimes, the thought of the one we love feeling great about themselves is felt as threat to our own position in the relationship. Or our autonomy. The thought of our partner feeling like they are the best/invincible/the ultimate catch can make some women or men feel as though they might be left or cheated on.

The truth is, we all already have so many potential sources of pain; so many reasons from our past to feel like we are not enough – not tall enough, strong enough, fast enough, pretty enough, talented enough, funny enough…….You don’t want to add to that (or even remain neutral by not admiring or giving appreciation and admiration). This doesn’t mean you need to drool over everything your man does, in fact, this is a bad idea.

But what you do need to do is give him even more reasons to feel good about himself. A man already has so many external challenges: in the business world, in sports, and from his mates.

Should he just ‘man up’ and stop needing your admiration?

Just as you need love and attention; your man needs to be admired. Women who think that a man ought not to need her admiration, or that admiring a man means she will be put down or below him, is misguided.

The Hunter mentality…

Men think differently, and they have, in their genetics, a hunter mentality – from 2 million years ago. This means that when your man conquers something, does something (no matter how small), accomplishes something, helps you with something – makes life easier for you in any way; he wants to see you rejoice, and acknowledge him genuinely and from a place of love. Taking away this privilege in a relationship is simply taking away his right to fully feel like a man with you. (read my article about men and dirty socks)

Why bother being in a relationship if you are not in it to take care of the other person? If you don’t take care of your lover’s needs, the relationship often becomes unfulfilling, at best. A nightmare at worst.

We come together as man and woman to serve each other. And men need to feel appreciated. If you have ever felt that looking up to a man would mean less for you, then I kindly ask you to reconsider. Why would you want to be with a man you don’t admire anyway? Where’s the passion in that?

If you are a confident woman, and know your value; then putting the spotlight on your man wouldn’t even be a problem for you, because you would understand that another’s spotlight doesn’t have to dim your own. It doesn’t take away anything from you.

(Click here to take the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

I’m not saying for you to do this with just any man. Many women make the mistake of falling over themselves and selling themselves short for a player, or for a man who treats her badly.

What if he gets a big head?

Whenever I hear a woman say this to me: “uh, if I do that, he’ll get a big head”, I ask her: “do you love this man?”

Inevitably, she will say yes.

“Well”, I say: “are you really loving him, when you say that?”

Confused face.

See, many women think that once a man gets too much confidence; or if she ‘allows’ him to get a big head, then he’ll take the attention off of her, or leave her, or cheat on her. It’s a fear many women have. Though in most cases, if you are meeting your man’s needs this fear is unnecessary.

Once you date and/or marry a good one – admire the man of your choice! He’s a Man. Do yourself a favor and give yourself and him the ultimate gift: let your man feel like a man around you. Give him the feeling of being a man. He’s much less likely to leave, cheat, or “turn” in to a terrible man “because he got a big head, if you care enough about him to just let him feel amazing about himself, over and over again.

Let him feel amazing about the little things he does for you. His small (or big) accomplishments that you may take for granted. his body. His golf game. His small gesture of carrying in your groceries. His biceps or back. His new business idea.

Give your heart and soul to a good man, and differentiate between the not so good men and the good ones (I’ll get to that topic soon on the blog). You want to be adored and cherished, right? Dare I say – be made to feel like a princess? Your man wants to be made to feel like a king!

The very thing you fear is the very thing you must do.

What if he is not deserving of your admiration?

What if he is not deserving of your admiration? What if he is not showing up to be the man you want him to be? What if he is neglecting finances, his health, fitness and/or marriage? This is where a woman’s love, and her femininity has to be enduring. Every woman will experience this to some extent in her relationship. (read my article about how to turn down a guy)

Admittedly, many men exude less than admirable traits. Many men don’t command much respect from women.

There are two things you must remember if you find yourself in this situation:

1) Treating a man as a better man than he is will encourage him to become better.

This reinforces positive identity, among other things. As long as you are being honest with yourself and are sure that this man has good intentions. This will not work with everybody. And –

2) Remember who he is inside.

If you give your admiration unconditionally, you will have a better chance of him doing what you want him to do; him fulfilling what you want in the relationship/finances, etc than you would if you simply withheld your love, admiration and affection, or made him feel terrible. This is something too many women do – withhold.

If a woman admires a man only when he shows up with “the goods” – the ‘final’ result; then, clearly this woman values her own certainty more than what she has to GIVE in her relationship.

This is not to say that you need to spew admiring words all the time. It’s not to say that you always have to compromise yourself for him. It also doesn’t mean you have to always be available! Words are cheap in comparison to enduring and consistent actions or loyalty.  Belief and admiration for a man can come through a woman’s touch, body language, smile, and elegance. If a man treats you badly – this is a whole new subject, which is beyond the scope of this post.

As a woman, I can understand the need for certainty, the need for support (more true for some women than others), but admiration, if given ONLY when it’s easy, when she’s shown up with the goods, or when you feel like it; is fickle. It’s not loyal. I also understand that even subconsciously, women want a man who has already proved himself worthy – whatever that means to you; but in a relationship, you cannot expect him to always have everything sort out. My feeling is that a lot of us subconsciously, at one time or another, want perfections from our spouse.

It may be hard at times to feel attraction for a man who is not fulfilling his potential – part of being in a relationship is being able to see in to the man himself, rather than just judging what he does or does not do.

Even the most capable, affluent and confident man wants the woman of his choice to admire him, respect him, and look up to him, as sick as that sounds to some women.

Do you have misunderstandings with your man and you wonder what if you know how he thinks? Click here to check out our program Understanding Men.

What do you think, lovely? Did you agree with this post? Do you believe or see that this is true? What do you think of the idea of admiring a man?

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  • Deborrah Cooper

    I will give a man as much respect and admiration as he earns. Giving a man respect and admiration just because he is breathing and has testicles is codependent behavior.

    • Luke

      Wow. Who the hell put you in charge? How can you be so selfish with praise and consideration? Are you that paranoid of men walking all over you? A man has to jump through hoops in order to gain your admiration? LOL. It works both ways. If you want a man to give you emotional support or even financial support, you better be willing to give him some admiration or appreciation.

      • Deborrah Cooper

        No. I’m not needy like men are. I don’t trade money or emotional support…something men are incapable of providing anyway…for ego boosts males whine about. Work for it and I might give it to you, if I decide you meet my standards.

  • Luke

    Damn. I love your posts Renee. You seem to hit the nail on the head every time. Men don’t get enough of this kind of attention from modern, “liberated” women. They’ll respect and admire the government (full of strangers whom they will never meet) over their own male partners. That’s insulting and degrading. If that’s what your partner needs to feel confident, good and secure in the relationship, give it to them. Otherwise, you’re showing that you don’t love them for who they are but only what they give you. It’s hard for men to love women anymore because women show so little thought, consideration and respect for what he needs or wants. A man says what he wants, but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. But, I see it all the time. Many men out there are perfectly willing to do whatever it takes to make their female partners happy.

    • Karin

      Ouch. I’ve spent just over a year trying to get back with my ex. I’ve shown empathy and support and have given space when needed. I have voiced and shown my appreciation for him countless times. We met 5 years ago. He works 7 days a week. I admire his determination. He recently said he doesn’t want to go a weekend without seeing me and wanted me to meet his daughter, then pulled away saying not to take it personally. I’ve tried hard not to and am trying to let him work through whatever he’s going through. But society says I’m a doormat. I deserve better, he’s not into me, move on, etc…. So this can go both ways. I love this man. I don’t make demands and I’m happy for each moment we share. But it hurts when he pulls away and I’m working on that. Men and women both need to feel wanted and appreciated. But “needy” is often the common label of some women who understand the value of a man and support his needs even if they respect their own. I am not needy. I have changed a great deal over the past year. But is that acknowledged and appreciated? Time will tell. It’s a double-edged sword.

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  • Jojo

    Can I be honest and say I don’t think there are vast differences between men and women. Yes yes everyone says men were hunters and women were gatherers. But the truth is once you study tribalism and nomads it isn’t that clear cut.

    Honestly I envision a world where we stop going men are this and women are that. We leave everyone free to be who they want to be.

    I want to be active, nurturing, driven, easy going, competitive, understanding, ambitious. And I am all those things and more. I am not limited by what I am. Because I realise I am everything.

    So I can’t take on men this women that because the reality is it’s your choice. Most of the “differences” are cultural and social anyway.

    I believe that is the society I we’re moving into. Not where men are men and where woman are women but everyone is whatever the hell they want to be. A society where men act out their masculine and feminine energies to their hearts desire. Where women do the same.

    And so I challenge notions that men and women are different and that’s that.

    Because I believe it to be false.

    • Luke

      And what does this have to do with showing your intimate partner, someone who should be your BEST friend in the world some love and admiration. By the way, who are you to decide what is best for society? If all men want to be manly, ladies better get used to it or get used to using vibrators.

  • Jessica

    I had a hard time admiring men. I still do because the men that have came and went in my life gave me no reason to admire them. My husband finally gave me reason to admire him because he has helped me get through some of the roughest times, shared his triumphs, joys, woes, and failures. I admire how he can take a situation and make progress even when it seems hopeless. I will keep encouraging him so I can keep admiring him.

    • Luke

      Funny. I have met some pretty crappy women in my times. They’ve treated me like absolute crap, simply because I wasn’t thin or I wasn’t sociable enough. BUT I keep hope alive, because I don’t every woman is going to be like the crap women that came before her.

  • Tony

    If only we could know that the good that you do for another person is not meant to diminish you but works to your benefit, we all should thrive to be good to our partners. what we do to our beloved ones we are directly doing to our selves. a goodwilled man will response positive when u touch his deepest need and in response u get the luv u desire.

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  • Angela

    I think some of the points you make above are not just good in a relationships, but good for how you act in society overall. I always try to be a class act in how I treat others, in my interactions with people, whether they are my customers or whether I am the customer, or if I’m talking with neighbors or friends, I always try to be friendly and well-mannered. In your interactions with others throughout the day, you can lift people up with how you act. I want to be that kind of person.

    I’m not sure I really know what feminine means anymore. I think maybe a lot of women are in the same boat and are confused. Your article seems to suggest that feminity is more about actions and attitude when I have always thought it was just how a woman looks. I mean, I think looks can play a role and every woman should take pride in her look and take care of herself – we owe ourselves that, but I have always thought of feminity as a youthful, pretty, soft look and something women were destined to lose as they got older so I didn’t think it was something women could hold on to. Also, sometimes I have witnessed men kind of taking a jab at their wives for how long it takes them to get ready to go out. So women get mixed messages, should I try to look feminine or maybe not cause men think its silly, then the men turn around and check out women who have a nicer look than thier wives. Men – if you want your wife to be pretty for you, then when she makes a effort to get ready for you, tell her how pretty she looks and brag on her, don’t say – God it took you an hour to get ready. I’ve seen that happen before. And then women see some of the fake, plastic imagery in the media of what is supposed to represent feminity and get turned off and think I don’t even want to be feminine. They think, that’s not even possible so why even try at all. What women should do is take pride in their own look and their natural beauty and try to accentuate that if needed. Forget about all the plastic media imagery. I guess my point is that if people got realistic about what real feminity is, I think more women might be more open to it. When I think of the word feminine, I picture a women in heels, full face of make up, hair all curled, flowery dress and baking cookies in the kitchen, but thats not always what feminity is about, it is also about attitude like your article suggests. I think my idea of feminity is changing from what I used to think and it is less of a turn off to me now. I think you can be a strong woman and still be feminine. Strength isn’t always about being aggressive and feminine isn’t always about being soft and needy. You can have both and be a more well rounded person.

  • Liza

    I agree with many of the perspectives here. Take it from a woman who partially by choice and partially by circumstances has lived on the more masculine side most of her adult life. It’s no picnic and except for sex, I can see no other reason why a man wants a woman around many times, especially in this “liberated era” where they even cook and clean, unless it is for the femininity that woman bring to the table, an equaling out of the harsh side. If you have not been single long or often you would not always be aware of how much a man in your life brings to the table, even if he’s not up to what you’d like him to be. I, for one, am now in a position to start dating again and I intend to make sure he knows how special he is but I will also pick one who is to begin with. LOL

    • Luke

      That’s the thing about modern “liberated,” “independent” women today. They don’t want to open themselves up to the possibility that they’re wrong and that a man might actually bring a new perspective on things, bring something new and useful to the table. They seem to just want to take what they want from a man and move on. This is a reason why men are wary about being with “strong” women. They’re more easily discarded if they are no longer worth something.

  • Meike

    Hmmm. There’s another thing that i keep thinking about. To what extend do you think Renee can a bad relationship to your dad as a child rob you of your femininity? I mean in a sense of him maybe not actually being physically abusive (i guess that is self-explanatory) but simply by being extremely dominant, suppressive, bending you to his will all the time, threatening punishment, that kind of thing. I am starting to let go of that particular problem, realising that that is really the only way forward… but i have a feeling that has been what has given me a bad start with men:( Do you have any experience with that sort of thing? Huh, i really wanted to have asked that at some point or another!

  • Travis

    As a guy I have to give some feedback here.

    What a fantastic website. I am so glad this is on the Internet. However it is too late for myself and many guys I know. I’ll explain…

    You see, I live in a city with a significant Asian population. We have discovered that the Asian women in our midst are far more feminine, delicate and yet paradoxically strong that women that were born and raised here. They are so fun to be around. We can open doors for them, help them do stuff…all without feeling like we are going to get a women’s liberation speech.

    Finally I want to add that the part here about women showing excitement and gratitude towards their man is so true. That positiveness comes effortlessly to Asian women and me and the guys I know will do anything for our girlfriends/wives because of it.

  • Deanna

    I feel like it’s such a huge struggle to find the balance between being needy and dependant, and letting him be a strong protector. I feel like sometimes its hard to be feminine, even if I feel feminie, because i start to develop expectations, and even if i don’t say them out loud, the expectations become demands- and the demands are what makes a man feel emascualted or annoyed.

    I feel like when i first meet a guy or start dating him- or even if I don’t know him very well and am just flirtatious- then its easy to be sweet and feminine. but once i really start to like a guy and care about him- and get scared- then it goes all wonky and i don’t know how to behave or how to keep my centre, of being confident enough to let him, say, open the door for me without expecting it.

    sometimes i feel like it’s too hard, like i don’t know if i can do it! i think that this is something that people don’t make clear enough about being in a relationship- they say “relationships are hard work”, but they don’t tell you that it’s hard work on your own behaviour, on becoming a better person, on overcoming bad habits and fear based habits.

  • clarice

    at times i think…maybe if i wasnt a carrer woman maybe i wouldnt have some of the challenges i face… with respect to balancing a carrer (7 to 6), one child and the attention he needs, including what you are talkinfg about, but really it seems like just an excuse…the bible talks of him as the head…if ony i could learn to “unburden’ me by giving him the chance to do what he should do… letting him be and standing back to admire and encourage.

  • Wendy

    Oh Renee, I just love your blog 🙂

    What a fabulous post, was supremely happy to read it.

    And Dixie Darlin…chocolate meringue pie?? yum!!! Count me in!

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