If you’ve ever asked yourself…’what do men want in a relationship?’

What makes a woman High Value so that she can have almost any man commit to her?

(Click here to register to watch the “Commitment Masterclass”)

I have an answer below.

I can remember the handful of times I came to the realisation that I had been a taker and not a giver in my relationship with my husband.

It’s an experience like no other. Because it’s exhilarating. It’s freeing.

But before I felt exhilarated, I felt lonely as hell in that realisation and especially in the process of changing myself.

It’s lonely to realise you take more emotional resources than you give. Even if your husband is supportive of you and loves you despite your lack of attention to how much you tried to take from him.

And it’s lonely to realise that most of the process of changing yourself is indeed, done alone.

You can’t depend on others to change you. And you can’t depend on other people to change first.

So if you’ve ever wanted someone else to change before you change, which is everyone of us at some point, I understand. Sometimes you just feel safer not making a decision. Because you want company. And we’re built to have and seek company.

The most valuable thing you can give a man is emotional resources.

You know I talk about about being a High Value woman.

(Click here to take the quiz on “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

When  we’re High Value, getting commitment isn’t a problem.

Well, when we’re Low Value, we take emotional resources.

But what does giving emotional resources really mean?

It means a lot of things.

But first off, it starts with not acting from a place of feeling blamed.

Because when act from that place, we act malevolent towards the person we’re in a relationship with.

Haven’t you felt the annoyance related to this before too? Have you been on the receiving end of some self important person feeling blamed and making you pay for it when you weren’t intending to blame them?

The people who get angry and try to take emotional resources from you (women often do this passive aggressively) when they feel blamed – and yet, you were just trying to make a helpful suggestion?

The person who felt defensive and blamed when you were trying to make yourself more transparent and understood to them?

Acting out when you feel blamed takes resources from the world

If you are in a relationship, and it seems that he (or she) is saying something about what YOU do…

Try to see if you feel like becoming defensive. If you do, then it could be that you feel blamed, shamed or humiliated, or threatened.

In reality, if that person is communicating to you, it matters, and you matter to them. The fact that he or she is communicating to you is a sign they are coming to you, perhaps willing to trust you – and you guys can go deeper together again in the future.

But if we react to every communication as though it threatens our life – we are essentially taking resources and making it about us.

Just because someone asks or SEEMS to ask us to do something differently – we find that threatening and we are too emotionally lazy to change ourselves. We’d rather make somebody else change.

In this case, apparently the problem is men and they should be the ones to change. We want to make others go out in the cold and change themselves first because we are not courageous enough to ‘go first’.

Well I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be that person. I feel it’s not who we really have the power to be. Why leave this world having been a an angry little taker of resources?

Why leave the world when we’re old, only knowing ‘reaction’ (instant gratification) and not ‘response’ to other human beings?

Don’t Live SMALL

Why leave the world being less that you can be?

There’s really nothing else to do.

Every goal we achieve fades.

Get angry at men for doing something to hurt us because we didn’t have the emotional resources to respond appropriately at the time, this is a recipe for our own suffering.

Take, take and take some more emotional resources from others by asking them to listen to us FIRST – more fuel for living small.

Acting from feeling blamed….rather than giving our no-strings-attached presence, which really means in the PRESENT because anything less is in the past or from elsewhere…is terribly counter-productive to ANY relationship.

That’s what acting from a place of feeling blamed is.

DISCLAIMER – THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH FEELING BLAMED.

No feelings are wrong.

It’s our choices that make or break our relationships though.

We have the choice to watch our feeling as they come up, and give them space rather than trying to reduce them by attacking someone else, or extracting resources from someone else.

It’s the willingness to be careless enough to ACT from that place of feeling blamed that is damaging because it’s not honest hurting of another person.

We all hurt others, but when we act form feeling blamed, we essentially kill the other person emotionally. Because wallowing in feeling blamed seems to be, from my experience, a fight or flight response.

There’s nothing wrong with sharing with a friend that you felt blamed. It’s not even that feeling blamed is wrong – not at all. It’s fine to feel blamed. It is GOOD feedback telling you that your parents hurt you.

Cultivate your Own Emotional Bank

It’s the fight or flight attack response because we feel angry that someone else is trying to take resources from us. – this is where we need to have our own emotional bank to draw from.

What is an emotional bank?

It’s our own emotional resources with which to pull from.

So – instead of reacting in a conversation the moment we feel blamed – we breathe and feel his heart instead.

To cultivate emotional resources, we must give when we don’t want to.

It’s creating something where there’s nothing.

Just because.

THAT – nobody can take from you!

THAT – is class in action.

As soon as we act from a fight or flight state with somebody who doesn’t warrant that response from us (a high percentage of people, because very few of us have our lives physically threatened) we are taking resources from them in some way.

Now, most of us in the world lack emotional resources. I don’t know whether it was the way we were parented. Or perhaps that we also don’t live in close-knit tribes anymore and such antisocial behaviour doesn’t have dire consequences and regulations by our tribe members…I mean, we go home to ourselves at night (a large number of us), and we go home to the same old family and rarely to we seek out honest feedback from others about what our actions look like to them and what do our actions make them feel.

Nowadays, we have to cultivate our courage to do that. It doesn’t just come because we’re part of a larger tribe of 50-100 people or more.

Do we assume everything is about US?

Maybe it’s just that we think everything is about us. But it isn’t. Even when somebody blames us.

Maybe it’s just fear…if we act out of fear enough, all we end up doing is acting out of fear.

So I’m here to tell you that I feel like the best thing we can give, and the thing we can be most proud of, is how much emotional resources we can give.

And you know what’s so great about surrendering to doing this?

I mean to be able to do this, you may have to relax in to the fear and the uncertainty and the loneliness of the journey of changing by yourself (because change IS mostly something we choose to do by ourselves, nobody can make that decision for us).

The great thing about surrendering to the pain we need to surrender to in order to BE emotionally resourceful, is that it’s euphoric – because it’s change. Our biochemistry changes as we are willing to surrender to our bodily and emotional alterations and not resist something different (ie having to give to others instead of expecting them to give to us)…and each times we reach the other side, novelty, and success, and euphoria awaits us.

And the best thing that awaits us?

Connection.

Actual connection.

Cause in reality, we connect or we don’t.

We make friends, or we fake friends.

The loneliness of change, from a stage of being emotionally UNresourceful to being emotionally resourceful is short-lived.

What about people who do want to keep taking from me?

And to the people who constantly do want to take from you – when you have enough emotional resources to be fully present with people, you’ll naturally sense them out soon enough and you’ll make healthier decisions about who to spend your time with.

It’s our habitual (not momentary) laziness of  NOT being present with adult people that sometimes gets us in to abusive relationships when the man tries to use us. And gets us in to relationships with people who actually don’t give a crap (less people than you think, really). A lot of people do care.

Especially if we are willing to care about them first.

So, it’s easy to achieve our goals in life that involve making ourselves feel worthy of love.

But what about being emotionally resourceful enough to just love somebody else?

Moment to moment?

If you’re still HERE, You’re a Success

What about being emotionally resourceful enough to know that if we are here, if we’ve made it to whatever age we have made it, that we’re already worthy of love?

(Click here to download your copy of the “Goddess Report”)

Even if you’ve been hurt over and over again by the people who were supposed to love you? The cure (in the real world) is not to make others change. The cure is to give first. To have the courage not to act when we feel blamed.

Because no matter how unworthy we feel, we have to be aware that if we consistently act from that place of feeling unworthy – and that act comes out of a place of NOT wanting to share and connect….and instead it comes out as – ‘I won’t give you the gift of intimacy with me until I feel attractive enough. Strong enough. Smart enough. Sexy enough. Un-threatened enough.’

Then, we’re taking. We’re trying to take something from an innocent person. Somebody in our past who oppressed us…somebody whom we couldn’t yell at for being mean to us at the time. Now some unsuspecting lover is taking it up their butt.

The world isn’t fair…but we can always put a little more love in to it.

Can’t we?

If you haven’t checked out the list of our programs yet, click here to check them out.

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  • joshii96

    Dear author, I did not understand this one bit.
    Can’t you at least try to be more specific? This is not helpful at all. It’s so generic and unspecified allowing me to project it onto anything in my life, that I may as well be reading horoscopes.

  • maggie

    Renee,

    I want to thank you for your website and blogs. I find your writing most enlightening and helpful.
    This particular piece is wonderful. I agree we should be giving back resources and not using them up and taking them from others in ways that are not healthy.
    I am to a point that I want to act from a place of health and vitality at all times. I don’t have to get in a knot over something trivial because of who I AM. My value and worth doesn’t change according to what is going on in my life or how others treat me.
    If a person isn’t treating me that way I need, I can ask for what I need and then if I do not get it I can make the choice to move on.
    Again, Thank you for your work. I especially love anything you write about ‘femininity’ and also ‘polarity’.

  • Philippa

    Because no matter how unworthy we feel, we have to be aware that if we consistently act from that place of feeling unworthy – and that act comes out of a place of NOT wanting to share and connect….and instead it comes out as – ‘I won’t give you the gift of intimacy with me until I feel attractive enough. Strong enough. Smart enough. Sexy enough. Un-threatened enough.’

    I unfortunately do this. With breaking the loop how does one feel safe and desiring to connect? The few times I’ve felt safe enough to feel feelings of wanting to connect the fear of rejection was enormous. I felt my feelings and desires would be unwanted – painful!

  • Ruth

    Hi Renee,

    I feel sick and terrified and need your advice so desperately. I am saving up for commitment control but need to wait another few months. I am in danger of losing my soulmate. Please help…

    I feel as though he is no longer attracted to me enough. I keep myself looking as I did when we met ten years ago, we still have a lot of sex, and we have a very good connection, but I am hurt by him looking at other women on the internet (as I understand every man does) and he rarely compliments my appearance, treats me with any sort of lust or passionately kisses me. This may be a misunderstanding on my part, as I have self esteem issues, it may be inevitable after ten years together, or maybe it’s true he is no longer attracted to me.

    However now by repeatedly voicing these concerns I have finally pushed him away. We are losing our deep connection and I am terrified I am going to lose him. He has started voicing concerns that although he is happy with me, he doubts this will ever stop and maybe we should split up.

    Any advice is so much appreciated, I feel sick and am shaking… What have I done? I love him so much. Please help. X

    • Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

      Hello Ruth, any update? What happened?

  • shipra

    Hi Renee u write sooooo well…Your clarity of thoughts is amazing…its for the first time I m posting a comment here…but I never miss any of your articles..I wish u a Blissful life ahead and may you keep writing more and more and helping gals in their relationships in the years to come…!!!! You deserve the blessings of all those people across the world whom you have helped through your wonderful writing :):)

    • Thank You Shipra, for your kindness and for reading my work.

  • shipra

    Hi Renee u write sooooo well…Your clarity of thoughts is amazing…its for the first time I m posting a comment here…but I never miss any of your articles..I wish u a Blissful life ahead and may you keep writing more and more and helping gals in their relationships in the years to come…!!!! You deserve the blessings of all whom you have helped

  • Hi Renee..OMG this article almost brought me to tears. almost. im still trying to change and i feel lonely doing so. i cant right the wrongs ive made yet not being able to haunts me every second of each day.

    i dont know if u know what an impact u have had on my life. u inspired be to start my own website from the 1st few years that i started reading u and ive started now.Its:

    http://www.jayjhonson.com

    I actually mention u on my ‘information on websites page’ ; this is what i said about you:

    – Introduction to how I came upon starting a website:

    I started reading Renee Wade and I noticed that I genuinely enjoyed reading her content. I actually started looking forward to reading her stuff and simply couldn’t get enough of it. It helped me so much, words can’t begin to describe just how much.
    I used to secretly wish I could contribute and simply help people just like that though not for a second did I think that I actually could!

    its funny one of my posts were worded almost exactly like one of yours when i’d never come across it till today. that made me smile.
    whenever i read your posts its as though its exactly what i need at that moment u just put everything i feel into the right words. and when u dont write in a while i always miss reading your words 🙂 kisses to your lil one he’s beyond gorgeous!
    thank you so much for everything.

    Jay

    • Hey Jay,

      That’s a nice website you’ve got there!

      Thanks for your kind words.

      And of course you can help people. Don’t wonder, don’t wish, just do what it takes.

      Heh, here I am telling you this but I honestly feel like I’m failing at it at times!

      • Yasinta

        Hi gals,

        I’m so relief that many woman including you renne also feels the loneliness in the process.
        sometimes there are times I want to react and tell all the words I can tell to my man of him cancleing our date, or any of his action which makes me feel unloved.
        but when I take time, I realize I actually understand his situation & his reason.

        Two tumbs up for you renne & all women in the same class in process 😉

        Love
        Yasinta

  • Angel-Eyes

    Hi Renee ♡.

    I can really relate to this article. There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do to be open to finding out what messages I put out in life and how do I connect to others.

    My mum has always said that everything in life is a manifestation to whats happening internally and that people are always a mirror to who we are.

    I believe and feel this to be so true. Since deciding to REALLY and GENUINELY connect to life and real people, I feel that it’s changed my perception for life!

    It’s been hard and uncomfortable to experience in some ways as my many character flaws are obvious- they get redirected to others- it’s been a crazy learning experience, but I feel a better person for taking the time to understand others and emphasize where they are coming from in life. Aren’t we all just trying to get by on the experiences we went through in life; I feel so.

    I was speaking to a woman at my daughters nurshery a couple of days ago, she told me what had happend within her family and I felt so sad, I almost couldn’t believe what she told me, yet if I had gone through what she experienced I would a complete wreck, lol. She is so strong and has really picked herself up despite experiencing abuse. It’s crazy that shes been through more than me yet she has a feisty attitude. She can really teach me a’lot about life thats for sure.

    I felt like I was experiencing the victim mentality out of an emotional lens for so long that I had no way of escaping it but life has forsed me to see my true reality.

    This is all thanks to connecting to others and being open to what they are really saying. And do you know what, they probably has something valuable and important to say when we listen closely to whats been said. All I can see now is peoples emotional traumas, their, fears, pains and what they have been through in life, they say it indirectly.

    Actually I love connecting to others, it called being alive and living, so thankyou life ♡, I am so real and alive right now.

    Also, I noticed that since being in this mindset I have attracted so much in my life even though I was painfully cut off for so long out of past pains.

    On the plus side a man said he noticed how I seem a’lot more positive and also I noticed that people actually do like me. They wave to me in their cars, they smile and the people at my local shops seem to like me ♡. It’s a good job as well because I really like people.

    With l♡ve x..X..x..X..x..X..x

    P.s, I hope your all doing well and I suspect that Tyson Bear will be 1 soon :).

    I have a daughter called Ruby, she will be 5 in November. She is my little Rubykins and shes a little treasure. I couldn’t have wished for a nicer daughter.

    Aww, I’m sure you enjoy evey minute of Tyson. They grow up so fast…

  • Rita

    Hi, Renee! Thank you for another great article. I always look forward to your words, they give me some peace of mind in troubled times and this article hits jackpot once again. 🙂

  • norah

    i think a man feels safe with his woman when we dont question his strength and courage to rake care of us(women). In this sense i mean believing in him even when we arent sure if he will be able to take us to the promised land that we want to go and be. I personally am having this problem with my man , i dont trust him, i dont think he can give me the kind of vision i want moreso now that i have more money than him yet he is older than me, i keep wondering , what has he been doing all those years to the extent that he has nothing to his name and i keep asking my self, will he able to give me my promised land since he hasnt figured out his own yet. And to add more, i got better grades in school and university than him….seriously God forgive me but i keep thinking am the wise one, the one with the vision…i guess i need help please Renee

    • Lol Norah, email me. And please make a note in your email to Jenny that I want her to forward your email to me for me to answer. Thanks!

      • J

        Renee, I would appreciate if you could possibly answer this question publicly? It sounds almost exactly what I am going through. My man and I have been together 3 years, and we have a beautiful 1-1/2 year old son…but he has never had a job, I am a teacher, and I have supported all of us (barely..and going into debt myself) this whole time. We aren’t married, he says he can’t propose because I don’t trust him. We just got into a huge blow out tonight because I wanted to pick up extra work to help put some money aside for some financial security, but it cuts into his time
        working on his “passion” which he swears will pay big money one day, but so far has only COST us (me)a few thousand dollars for equipment/training, etc. I pretty much told him tonight that I couldn’t handle the stress anymore and I was done. But he’s a great dad, and a good man, I know…I just don’t understand why he won’t get a job to help out. We all have dreams. I worked 2 jobs to put myself through college… But he seems content to let me shoulder the responsibility alone while he follows his dream. I’m so hurt and bitter.

        • Hi J,

          I’ve written up a response to both you and Norah.

          I believe it will be going in my book…or on the blog, I haven’t decided yet. If you want, in the meantime, I have my answer for you.

          Just email us and tell Jenny I have a response for you and that I asked her to forward your request on to me. Thanks.

    • Anna C

      Hey Norah, so…. I can say I’ve been on both sides of this coin, but usually, I am on the ambitious side. But there was a time where I didn’t have any ambition to move forward, get more money, etc. I didn’t have any vision. But I knew I wanted to be with my man. Luckily for us women, men with masculine energy don’t really care if we are not driven to make money, but they DO care if they are not. I can see how that will lead to a lot of trust issues on your part: “Will he ever take care of me?” But inside he is probably thinking: “I’m a broken man. I’m a failure.” When I was in a lull, it didn’t feel good to me either. I didn’t know what to do to get out, so I was grasping at everything. Then one day, I received an offer to interview at a company out of the blue that was just the company I was looking for. I didn’t get the job, but it made me realise that it was what I wanted out of my life… That was my trigger. My point to you is that, it’s hard for people who don’t have a vision. They feel empty because I believe people are born to contribute. But the way to make him have a vision is not to voice this concern, but to trust he’ll find it on his own, and to inspire him in his own way to do more. One day, you’ll find his “trigger.” If you believe he is a good man, then there are ways to find the trigger to inspire this GREAT motivation. To me, it all starts with a specific goal. Renee has a lot of tips on how to understand men & inspire them, and I’m sure she’ll get back to you with an excellent response.

  • Lori

    I like this article, as well as most of your work. So thank you! I also sometimes get a little frustrated. Here, you talk about being emotionally resourceful as a gift to men. You say, but first I want to say it’s not about blaming anyone. Then you go on to talk at length about blame and loving ourselves first and coming from a place of worthiness. All of this has value, please don’t misunderstand me. However, I feel like the original statement of the article got lost. Are you saying the way to be resourceful to your man is to love yourself? Because that wasn’t super clear. And, if so, maybe you could draw the line a little more clearly on behavioral techniques to reach that goal or what demonstrating that self love might look like in relation to your man. I’m not entirely sure how to say this (if I did, I’d be the one writing the articles haha!) but I sometimes feel your very well written articles start in one place and finish in another without addressing the thing you started off with. Again, I love your work and wholly believe in the masculine/feminine thing. Thank you for your continued strides to help the rest of us out here! …Maybe just a little more clearly?

    • Hi Lori. I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman more skillful at giving good feedback than you. Thanks.

      I’m not saying the way is to love yourself.

      I am saying that we need to find out own emotional bank. And essentially, to do that, we must give when we don’t want to.

      It’s creating something where there’s nothing.

      Just because.

  • Seroun

    Dear Renee or even the men who can answer this,

    How does a man feel safe with his woman? What words and actions build up to that feeling of safety and trust in a woman?

  • Hey Renee
    Kudos on a very well written blog post. Coming from a man’s point of view and after having talked to hundreds of men, I make the following observation in support of your post. Men are angry because women in their lives don’t make it safe for men to tell them the truth. This is especially true if that
    truth can in any way be construed as a critique of the woman. Women typically react defensively; yelling, crying, name calling, giving him the
    “silent treatment” withholding sex etc. The goal of course is to teach
    that “no good man” to never ever critique her again. The sad thing is that most men learn the lesson all too well and seethe in silence. The problem is of course that the woman has effectively killed the intimacy between them and men learn not to trust the woman.

    Women of course reserve the right to critique the man at will with no regards for his feelings.

    I tell my clients that achieving “happily ever after” is simple. You eliminate the word NO from your vocabulary unless it is illegal, immoral or abusive. NO is such an ugly word, the inference is that your wants, needs and desires are not all that important to me because frankly mine are more important and I can’t be bothered with yours. To back up this statement I pose the following question to all of your women readers: When you fantasized about “happily ever after” did you ever bother to think about what that looked like for the man? That makes you a taker and not a giver

    • Kris

      Hi John, great, great response post to Renee’s fantastic blog article! To answer your final question, did I ever bother to think about what ‘happily ever after’ looked liked for the man? No. And that was shameful of me! For YEARS I planned lives with men without their input or consent. I placed them in my little fantasies laden with expectations and no room for acceptance of who they were and were growing as a person. I truly asked for forgiveness to God for such self-serving behavior. I believe that with blogs like this one, my own deep soul inner work and living a life moment to moment, I’ve made huge strides in the right direction. My energy is off the charts amazing with the opposite sex, it’s like I am finally who I’ve always wanted be, in love with life and womanhood. I can’t change anyone else, and how dare I try to do that? That’s not my place. I am here to inspire, learn, grow, laugh, and love, that’s a full plate and then some. My heart is open, no other way to be…

      • Kris, you are beautiful. Thanks for being you.

        • Kris

          Renee, I just can’t thank you enough for this website. It is sent by heaven. I really enjoyed attraction control and look forward to the high value woman programme. I think I googled “how to become mysterious woman” and your site came up. I started reading some of those earlier articles and it’s been an up and down, great and sad AMAZING personal growth experience. Thank you for sharing what you learned and a MUCH needed feminine perspective on love, life and relationships.

    • Seroun

      How does a man feel safe with his woman? What words and actions build up to that feeling of safety and trust in a woman?

    • Hey John,

      I’m glad you are here to make a stand for the point that it’s hard for men to trust us with the truth.

      It’s true. We can be defensive and think everything’s about us. It’s such a hard cycle to break though…you see, because as women, listening to men talk takes a hell of a lot of resources…partly because they don’t talk as much…so to truly listen, we have to be empty of thought – which is like madness to a feminine person.

      We are often thinking too much. All the time. About everything. And silent moment where the man isn’t talking are moments where we will think. A lot. And then we talk when we think which then begins the cycle of the man not feeling listened to yet again.

      But it’s worth it. My man feels supported when I do it and why wouldn’t I?

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