If you’ve ever asked yourself…’what do men want in a relationship?’
What makes a woman High Value so that she can have almost any man commit to her?
I have an answer below.
I can remember the handful of times I came to the realisation that I had been a taker and not a giver in my relationship with my husband.
It’s an experience like no other. Because it’s exhilarating. It’s freeing.
But before I felt exhilarated, I felt lonely as hell in that realisation and especially in the process of changing myself.
It’s lonely to realise you take more emotional resources than you give. Even if your husband is supportive of you and loves you despite your lack of attention to how much you tried to take from him.
And it’s lonely to realise that most of the process of changing yourself is indeed, done alone.
You can’t depend on others to change you. And you can’t depend on other people to change first.
So if you’ve ever wanted someone else to change before you change, which is everyone of us at some point, I understand. Sometimes you just feel safer not making a decision. Because you want company. And we’re built to have and seek company.
The most valuable thing you can give a man is emotional resources.
You know I talk about about being a High Value woman.
When we’re High Value, getting commitment isn’t a problem.
Well, when we’re Low Value, we take emotional resources.
But what does giving emotional resources really mean?
It means a lot of things.
But first off, it starts with not acting from a place of feeling blamed.
Because when act from that place, we act malevolent towards the person we’re in a relationship with.
Haven’t you felt the annoyance related to this before too? Have you been on the receiving end of some self important person feeling blamed and making you pay for it when you weren’t intending to blame them?
The people who get angry and try to take emotional resources from you (women often do this passive aggressively) when they feel blamed – and yet, you were just trying to make a helpful suggestion?
The person who felt defensive and blamed when you were trying to make yourself more transparent and understood to them?
Acting out when you feel blamed takes resources from the world
If you are in a relationship, and it seems that he (or she) is saying something about what YOU do…
Try to see if you feel like becoming defensive. If you do, then it could be that you feel blamed, shamed or humiliated, or threatened.
In reality, if that person is communicating to you, it matters, and you matter to them. The fact that he or she is communicating to you is a sign they are coming to you, perhaps willing to trust you – and you guys can go deeper together again in the future.
But if we react to every communication as though it threatens our life – we are essentially taking resources and making it about us.
Just because someone asks or SEEMS to ask us to do something differently – we find that threatening and we are too emotionally lazy to change ourselves. We’d rather make somebody else change.
In this case, apparently the problem is men and they should be the ones to change. We want to make others go out in the cold and change themselves first because we are not courageous enough to ‘go first’.
Well I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be that person. I feel it’s not who we really have the power to be. Why leave this world having been a an angry little taker of resources?
Why leave the world when we’re old, only knowing ‘reaction’ (instant gratification) and not ‘response’ to other human beings?
Don’t Live SMALL
Why leave the world being less that you can be?
There’s really nothing else to do.
Every goal we achieve fades.
Get angry at men for doing something to hurt us because we didn’t have the emotional resources to respond appropriately at the time, this is a recipe for our own suffering.
Take, take and take some more emotional resources from others by asking them to listen to us FIRST – more fuel for living small.
Acting from feeling blamed….rather than giving our no-strings-attached presence, which really means in the PRESENT because anything less is in the past or from elsewhere…is terribly counter-productive to ANY relationship.
That’s what acting from a place of feeling blamed is.
DISCLAIMER – THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH FEELING BLAMED.
No feelings are wrong.
It’s our choices that make or break our relationships though.
We have the choice to watch our feeling as they come up, and give them space rather than trying to reduce them by attacking someone else, or extracting resources from someone else.
It’s the willingness to be careless enough to ACT from that place of feeling blamed that is damaging because it’s not honest hurting of another person.
We all hurt others, but when we act form feeling blamed, we essentially kill the other person emotionally. Because wallowing in feeling blamed seems to be, from my experience, a fight or flight response.
There’s nothing wrong with sharing with a friend that you felt blamed. It’s not even that feeling blamed is wrong – not at all. It’s fine to feel blamed. It is GOOD feedback telling you that your parents hurt you.
Cultivate your Own Emotional Bank
It’s the fight or flight attack response because we feel angry that someone else is trying to take resources from us. – this is where we need to have our own emotional bank to draw from.
What is an emotional bank?
It’s our own emotional resources with which to pull from.
So – instead of reacting in a conversation the moment we feel blamed – we breathe and feel his heart instead.
To cultivate emotional resources, we must give when we don’t want to.
It’s creating something where there’s nothing.
THAT – nobody can take from you!
THAT – is class in action.
As soon as we act from a fight or flight state with somebody who doesn’t warrant that response from us (a high percentage of people, because very few of us have our lives physically threatened) we are taking resources from them in some way.
Now, most of us in the world lack emotional resources. I don’t know whether it was the way we were parented. Or perhaps that we also don’t live in close-knit tribes anymore and such antisocial behaviour doesn’t have dire consequences and regulations by our tribe members…I mean, we go home to ourselves at night (a large number of us), and we go home to the same old family and rarely to we seek out honest feedback from others about what our actions look like to them and what do our actions make them feel.
Nowadays, we have to cultivate our courage to do that. It doesn’t just come because we’re part of a larger tribe of 50-100 people or more.
Do we assume everything is about US?
Maybe it’s just that we think everything is about us. But it isn’t. Even when somebody blames us.
Maybe it’s just fear…if we act out of fear enough, all we end up doing is acting out of fear.
So I’m here to tell you that I feel like the best thing we can give, and the thing we can be most proud of, is how much emotional resources we can give.
And you know what’s so great about surrendering to doing this?
I mean to be able to do this, you may have to relax in to the fear and the uncertainty and the loneliness of the journey of changing by yourself (because change IS mostly something we choose to do by ourselves, nobody can make that decision for us).
The great thing about surrendering to the pain we need to surrender to in order to BE emotionally resourceful, is that it’s euphoric – because it’s change. Our biochemistry changes as we are willing to surrender to our bodily and emotional alterations and not resist something different (ie having to give to others instead of expecting them to give to us)…and each times we reach the other side, novelty, and success, and euphoria awaits us.
And the best thing that awaits us?
Cause in reality, we connect or we don’t.
We make friends, or we fake friends.
The loneliness of change, from a stage of being emotionally UNresourceful to being emotionally resourceful is short-lived.
What about people who do want to keep taking from me?
And to the people who constantly do want to take from you – when you have enough emotional resources to be fully present with people, you’ll naturally sense them out soon enough and you’ll make healthier decisions about who to spend your time with.
It’s our habitual (not momentary) laziness of NOT being present with adult people that sometimes gets us in to abusive relationships when the man tries to use us. And gets us in to relationships with people who actually don’t give a crap (less people than you think, really). A lot of people do care.
Especially if we are willing to care about them first.
So, it’s easy to achieve our goals in life that involve making ourselves feel worthy of love.
But what about being emotionally resourceful enough to just love somebody else?
Moment to moment?
If you’re still HERE, You’re a Success
What about being emotionally resourceful enough to know that if we are here, if we’ve made it to whatever age we have made it, that we’re already worthy of love?
Even if you’ve been hurt over and over again by the people who were supposed to love you? The cure (in the real world) is not to make others change. The cure is to give first. To have the courage not to act when we feel blamed.
Because no matter how unworthy we feel, we have to be aware that if we consistently act from that place of feeling unworthy – and that act comes out of a place of NOT wanting to share and connect….and instead it comes out as – ‘I won’t give you the gift of intimacy with me until I feel attractive enough. Strong enough. Smart enough. Sexy enough. Un-threatened enough.’
Then, we’re taking. We’re trying to take something from an innocent person. Somebody in our past who oppressed us…somebody whom we couldn’t yell at for being mean to us at the time. Now some unsuspecting lover is taking it up their butt.
The world isn’t fair…but we can always put a little more love in to it.