When it comes to understanding men, there are two important things I want you to know. Because I find that it’s very easy to forget all the little details and everything else when you are stressed out or upset about your relationship issues. And it’s helpful to remember these basics before you make decisions you will regret.

Before giving you the five insights into men — (click here to take the quiz on “Am I dating a Commitment Friendly Man?“) — I want to lay a quick but important foundation with you.

Here are the two most fundamental principles:

1) Most of the things you worry about to do with men are actually not anything to worry about.

You see, we worry for our reasons, with our feminine hormones and feminine brain. We think that he is not calling, for example, because we haven’t shown enough interest in him – and so we call him and chase him out of fear; rather than thinking it through first. Yet, the bottom line is that if he wants to call, he will eventually.

As women, we read other meanings into things and think: Oh, did he say that because he actually meant something else? Does he really mean what he said? What does it mean when he said he has a meeting at 5pm? It means he has a meeting at 5pm and men usually mean nothing more than exactly what they said.

We also tend to worry…”what if he leaves me for Fiona? What if I don’t compare to other women? What if I am not interesting enough and what if Shelley is prettier than me and he will leave me for Shelley?

No. A man is not going to leave you for a prettier woman! it does not work that way. Men leave a woman if they do not feel any emotional attraction for her. They leave if the woman doesn’t show up high value (and high value is mostly about your radiance, your responsiveness and how alive you are).

In a similar vein, we think our boyfriend or husband didn’t do that thing for us because he doesn’t love us enough or care enough. But really, it’s because he didn’t feel, see and hear our request in the form of our emotions – ie: in a way that would impel him do it for us because he is suddenly able to connect to our need for it to be done (because he’s felt our emotions in relation to it). It’s usually not because a man doesn’t care, but our feminine brain interprets his actions that way.

2) Men are not bigger, stronger, faster females. They are men.

This means that we always have to be open to questioning the meaning we automatically place on what men do. You see, we assume we know why people do things, and we assume we know why men do things. Usually, we are very wrong, especially when it comes to making assumptions about men.

If you can have this level of openness and humility – then you have an infinite capacity to understand men, and as you understand more, you can feel infinitely confident with men and worry much less.

This doesn’t mean that men can’t do what women do and vice versa. It just means that a woman might be the better person to breastfeed the baby because she has an innate gift and biology for it.

These innate differences go beyond social constructs, and it’s the innate differences (not our attempt to reject these differences) that causes emotional and sometimes, physical attraction.

For more on accentuating your femininity Click here to get your “Goddess Report.”

But through all my own struggles, here’s the best thing I’ve discovered:

Male and female differences cause us pain, yet at the same time, the universe made sure that women are well taken care of…

As much pain as the differences between men and women cause us, evolution has also made us work perfectly together in many ways. And don’t worry: As a woman, evolution didn’t ditch you. You are actually far better taken care of than you or any other woman would ever have you believe.

It’s just that taking dating or relationship advice from girlfriends often makes us dumber, and more stressed. Because most women get women; they don’t get men — which means that 99 percent of what women think, and the meaning we place on male actions, is completely incorrect.

When you stop taking advice from friends who may not be good at getting out of their own heads and in to your man’s – when you stop taking advice from friends who may not want the best for you, and make your own decisions, you may start to see that men actually want to be there for you, commit to you, and take care of you. Evolution made it this way, but men are wired to take care of a certain type of woman — a woman they see as high value.

Try to remember: Men are responding to you, and what you do. (and women are always responding to how men show up around them too). What does this mean? This means that how you show up around men is crucial to your relationship success. If you show up as low value, or less than you can be, you will get far worse than low value in return. Sometimes, you get nothing. But when you show up as a high value woman, you get far more than you bargained for.

Click here to check out the Understanding Men program

What do you Worry about when it comes to MEN?

I can remember the days, when I’d stress constantly about how a man I liked might think of me. I was also very quick to make terribly wrong assumptions about men that were… well, wrong! Wrong enough that assuming these things was just ignorant of me.

Have you ever worried incessantly about being cheated on?

Ever worried about him checking out other women? I guarantee you have no idea how much you totally over-stress issues with men that actually don’t exist, or aren’t true in his world. As a woman, you are wired to worry when you are in a fearful state.

But as a woman, you also have a lot more power with men than you have been lead to believe. (And I don’t think that’s fair, which is why I’m here.) You have the power with men more than you know right now, even as you are reading this. And your knowledge of men is your power with them. This is the basis of my program “Understanding Men” (check it out by clicking here).

Once you shift from being in worry and fear to being in love (putting your hand on your heart, and feeling the power of your heart), you can suddenly change the destiny of your relationship. You can get the commitment and attention you only dreamed of, simply because in a state of love, you are able to show up as a High Value, High Status woman – and High Value women get more than their fair share in relationships.

Your FEELINGS about Men aren’t wrong…but your perception of men is.

This doesn’t mean that your feelings about men are wrong, or that you’re making anything up — you’re definitely not; after all, they are your feelings. And as a woman, you know that your feelings are the truest and most real thing in your life. After all, we have feelings about everything!

The thing is, they are your feelings. And you know what that means? It means they are not his — which means that the man you are dealing with doesn’t do the things he does for the reasons you think he does.

When Men “Look” at other women…

I’ll give you a little example. The other day I was driving to the mall, and I stopped at the red light. While waiting for the lights to change, I looked to my right to see… two men in a car, staring at something to my left… and they were very concentrated on this particular thing.

I turned to follow their gaze, and saw a man in a car to my left, also staring intently this as-yet-unknown thing. Two seconds later, I see two young women in bikinis washing cars.

Now… because I understand men, I can laugh at this and not just roll my eyes in fear and anger. But I have a question for you: What is your instinctive, gut-level reaction to this? Do you sigh in disgust? Worry that your boyfriend or husband might look if you weren’t there with him? What are you really worried about? That he thinks those half-naked girls are better than you? That he wants to have sex with them?

The answer to all these fears is a resounding “No.” See, it took me a while to get this. Men are conditioned as hunters (and also just as humans) to take note of changes in their environment. So to them it’s actually like, Oh. There’s a bikini car wash in Melbourne, Australia? That is novel! Oh, OK then! Lights change. Moving on now. Half an hour later, most men will have forgotten all about that bikini car wash and the girls there.

They’re wired to look. I will be truthful: some men might want to have sex with those women, but those men are usually the men who consistently feel a lack; they are the men who don’t feel that women desire them, they are the desperate men. They are the men who feel deprived. The question is: Do you have a deprived man? Do you have a desperate man? If so, your worries might be well-founded.

We are always obsessed with the things we perceive that we can’t have. So, a man who hasn’t felt confident with women, a man who doesn’t feel desired by women or high value; is going to get desperate for sex because he is not ‘full’ within himself. His life is lacking already, so any easy perceived opportunity means a lot to him…does that make sense to you?

Are you Attracting Desperate Men?

The worry really is: Why did you attract this particular man into your life? If you have a man who always seems to be looking around for sexier women…then you have a legitimate concern. What should you do? Well, we need to first of all acknowledge that 1: he may not be a good catch, or 2: He needs to feel more abundant feminine and sexual energy from you.

Sometimes, some men are losers. Other times, (more often than we’d like to admit), we are not taking enough responsibility in our relationship to give him the value that he wants; and we get stuck in worry, fear and blaming him.

We need to consider why we attract the type of man that we attract. if you do have a man who is always sleazing around…why is he in your life? The answer is possibly because you are desperate for something as well — maybe attention… maybe variety… maybe the (so-called) security of having a man who is not as good a catch as other men. Maybe you’ve felt your whole life that you’re undeserving of a high value man, or maybe somebody unfairly made you feel inferior to other women (which is never true), so you feel deprived on some level that you don’t get enough attention,  which is why the first man who seems to give attention to you, will do.

It’s not your fault. It’s just what you’re going through. But once you become aware of this belief and relax into the reality that it doesn’t serve you, you can dismantle it and start showing up in ways that better express your true worth — and attract better men.

Regarding the bikini car wash: Would you be surprised if I told you that men would look with the same concentration at a row of 10 rabbits running across the road? And that they’d look with the same level of detachment and lack of emotion?

If it does surprise you or make you angry, or you just  don’t want to believe me, that’s OK. That’s what we do as women; we make things big in our minds, and we want to be reassured and convinced. Again and again and again.

Click here to read my article about Femininity and How to be your Best Feminine Self here

Right now, I’m going to share those five insights about men you should know before worrying yourself sick.

Insight Number 1) Men judge you far less than you think they do.

Most of the time, it does not serve men to judge women. It only serves a man to judge a woman when the woman is showing up very low value (and he needs to deflect her from his life ASAP).

More often than not, men are not judging you. Men don’t think of you the way other women might think of you. And other women can be harsh with their judgements of other women, because of competition. Women sometimes need to look at the flaws or inadequacies of other women to alert themselves – and the men in their lives – of the imperfections of her competition, so that women use denigrate their rivals and avoid losing access to their man.

With women, the smaller she feels, the more she needs to be judgmental – to keep threats at bay.

Biologically it doesn’t make sense for men to engage in judgement of women – because if a man is really judgemental, then he will lose sexual access to women. And sexual access to women isn’t always easy or available to most men (Women mostly call the shots when it comes to sex).

He is likely more worried about whether you’re open to having sex with him, or if he has feelings for you, he’s more worried about impressing you, or he has already forgotten what you said shortly after you said it.

This is because masculine men are generally more interested in having sex with you and/or enjoying being around your beautiful energy than they are focused on judging you.

Now, if you know me and my work at all, you know that I firmly believe there are very few absolute truths in life — and that everything is contextual. So I want to clarify, and say that yes, some men will judge you – but most men won’t. And you will feel that it you just pause and feel where he is at.

Yet the ones who actually spend time judging you and talking negatively about you are usually the world’s smallest men, they are not the rule, they are just jaded, emotionally closed, and perhaps fearful men who wouldn’t try to ‘get’ you anyway, out of fear of rejection.

That wasn’t me judging men….that is just how it is.

From boyhood on, masculine men spend their entire lives trying to be enough to be worthy of a high-value, high-status woman’s attention. Most men’s lifelong inner experience goes something like this:OK. I’m a male. I like females. I like them a lot. If I want to be worthy and enough in this world, I have to prove myself, and earn my own respect and others’ by making enough money, being funny enough, etc.

That was my attempt at speaking like a male, which, as a female, is the best I could muster. But I think you know what I am saying. As women, we don’t have to do nearly as much to get sex and attention.

But if you’re anything like me, you’ve spent quite a considerable amount of time in your life trying to do things to get a man’s attention when you could have worried a lot less, simply enjoyed yourself, and that would have done the job.

Because men don’t care about all the little details you think they do, or judge you for them. As far as I can tell, men will simply be repelled by you (because your type of energy is not what they’re looking for), or be indifferent to you because they’ve already met their one and only, or try to impress you because they are interested.

Insight Number 2) Men don’t leave you because you weren’t good enough

Men leave for many reasons, but mostly it comes down to how they feel when they are with you. They usually leave because there was no good reason to stay with you. Meaning, the relationship didn’t add enough value to their life, that it was worth staying in.

Sometimes men leave because they felt bad enough about themselves around you enough times that it was time to call it quits.

Remember this: commitment naturally takes value from men; much in the same way as men’s consistent, seemingly never-ending desire to have sex with a woman can take value from women

For a committed relationship to be worth it to a man, it has to add value to his life – and that means he needs to be with a woman who is emotionally free, who lets herself be High Value, and whom he is emotionally attracted to. (physical attraction is never enough for a man to get into a relationship with a woman).

Insight Number 3) Men don’t actually want you to hold everything in and pretend everything is OK.

Move on from this terrible belief, and do something silly — like actually expressing yourself! Now, don’t take this too overboard if you have only had one date with a man… you need time to prove your value to each other before you can even think about unleashing “the crazy.”

But believe it or not, soon enough, if a man is masculine and you have attracted this masculine man into your life, he won’t mind you expressing yourself. In fact, he’ll mind your holding everything in!

Holding things in is not good if you want a commitment, and it’s not good if you want your man to be a better man. It is also not attractive. Holding emotions in is like not letting yourself do a shit. You can only do it for so long until…it all bursts out in a horribly epic manner. Yes, feelings work like poos. You have feelings whether you like it or not – and holding them in all the time is disrespecting yourself.

Sometimes, unleashing your feelings is inevitable (because you can’t keep a shit from 2 weeks ago inside permanently) – and you have to go through that stage in order to become more responsive in real time and calibrated in your relationship.

Yet knowing all this…you MUST NOT blame or criticise. I don’t care how angry and hurt you get – no blaming!

I would rather you yelled “I’m hurt. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m scared!” over and over and over and over, and became so angry that you cried. Men can recover from an emotional burst (even feel relieved after living with a contemptuous, cold woman for months), but it’s harder to recover from a woman trying to keep him down and make him feel small – because that restricts the one thing men want to feel with you – free.

Also, holding feelings in doesn’t keep the right man around. The right man wants you to be alive, responsive and to share yourself. Remember, I said express, not blame. If you want more on this, see my article on being expressive without blaming:

http://www.thefemininewoman.com/2012/04/talk-to-man-so-wont-pull-away-or-go-cold/

If you want a man to love you for you — well then, you need to be you. It’s not helping you to reject yourself when all you’re truly yearning for is to step out of your own shell, and start expressing yourself fully.

You don’t have to act like a little girl, but you can use the 5-year-old-girl you once were — who simply played, and expressed, and did silly things — as a stepping stone to finding yourself. You’ve probably disowned her… and she doesn’t like it! Try inviting her into your world again to pull you out of your shell and loosen your body up.

Insight Number 4) When your man doesn’t do what you wish he would, you can almost always be sure that it is because you haven’t communicated your needs to him (in a way that he understands).

You may think this means I’m putting the blame on you. No, not at all. In fact, when I discovered this, it felt like a gift, a well-kept secret, and a reason not to worry. It felt like: Thank God, maybe many men actually do want to be there for you? They want to be your hero? And this is not just your boyfriend, but even male friends and relatives.

What a novel concept that other women could never tell you!

Men respond most to primary emotion. Ie: men respond to raw emotion and vulnerability. If there’s something that you need so much that is makes you cry genuinely, then he will be more likely to get what you need for you.

This is just how things work – don’t speak Chinese to an African man who doesn’t know Chinese. You best to speak his language if you care. Raw emotion speaks to him the most.

The only catch: Men don’t want to be there for an unresponsive woman! Women who don’t reward them with their responsiveness or feminine energy. So, respond or reward your man — through your eyes, your gestures, your body movements, and your smile — basically, with your willingness to stay connected in love.

Just beware: The longer that you have withheld your responsiveness or gratitude…the longer you have withheld your happiness and loving energy from a man, the longer the path you will have to regain his trust.

Insight Number 5) Men wish YOU Understood them deeply.

Because when you truly understand them, you stop worrying, and getting hurt and upset all the time. When you’re hurt and upset all the time, your feminine energy doesn’t show up. You’re tight and controlling. And that is not pleasant from a man’s perspective — or anyone’s perspective, especially your own.

And look: When you understand them, men can give you what you need, and be the men you want them to be for you. There is an incredible allure to women who understand men, because these women are usually higher value, less defensive, and more radiant because of the lowered stress that comes from understanding men. Men are drawn to this kind of allure like bees to honey, and they want to commit to you just to own that allure — to own your soul for life.

But the key to getting that genuine commitment from a high-caliber man is not make-up. It is not a slimmer body. Men don’t care about these things; these are the feminine brain’s solution! What men care about is a woman’s energy.

Remember that! Open your eyes… and take a look around at all the attractive, successful men committed to far less attractive, perhaps jobless, and perhaps very overweight women!

The key to men is understanding them. You see, men who are masculine at their core (about 80 percent of the males in the world, according to various researchers) often don’t have many words, especially when it comes to their feelings. They don’t talk all that much about how they feel, and many don’t even understand what that word means in many contexts — which is like a foreign planet for you and me!

We get feelings, and we can speak about them well. But when you try to talk to a man about them, he might just go quiet or look blankly back at you. You can’t turn him into a woman, so the very best thing you can do is to put in the loving thought and care to understand him. The more you are willing to do this, the more that men will approach you for the right reasons (not for sex), and the quicker relationships will start to fall into place for you.

Now I want to make you an offer. I want you to experience the freedom, self-confidence and joy that I have through understanding men, so I’ve created a course on this very subject with my husband (who is my Hero). It’s designed for you to become the goddess you were destined to be with men, and it will eliminate your anxiety, confusion and mistakes with any man. I invite you to join me and my other members in the exclusive Members Area, where you can start “Understanding Men.” Click here to read more about this popular program:

This article has been updated as of September 2017. 

Renee the feminine woman

219 Comments

  • rosie says:

    Some good advice but some I disagree with. I don’t think men and women are as different as you believe. And it comes across as a little sexist with all these implications women have to be extremely conventionally feminine at all times and men have no control over themselves.

  • Yaokay says:

    lol I work with all men, and they all want to have sex with the women they look at, even if they aren’t deprived sooooo ya also this hunter gather stuff, I’d like to think there are some women who’ve evolved even past that .

  • Karl says:

    The biggest turn-on for a real man is when a woman can truly let him see her authentic self, when she can actually be prepared to let him lead and protect her but what really gets a mans manly juices flowing is a woman who “gets” what respect means to us (Read Love and Respect) as in we need and thrive more from being respected than from being loved. The biggest mistake women make is trying to sidestep respecting us (because they believe it is beneath them or weakness) and compensating for the consequential lack of response from a man by smothering him with love. WE WANT RESPECT ABOVE ANYTHING ELSE!

    I have lost so much drive and passion for my girlfriend, someone I adore and admire, because of her stubborn refusal to hear my need for respect. She constantly avoids giving me the respect I need and thrive on. Her past hurts have made her very controlling which I find such a turn-off and her need to constantly challenge everything I suggest has shredded our intimacy and destroyed what romance I had for her. Her insatiable need to make all the decisions has pushed me away to such a distance that I have begun avoiding her and ignoring just about any arrangements she makes for us to do things together. I simply never get a chance to suggest anything. Single mothers are annoyingly controlling and conveniently deaf to anything outside their frame of absolute control.

    I meet so many single mothers and divorced women with kids who are in one word obnoxious. When will these angry and pushy women realize that men find them so unattractive and off putting? They sit in angry groups, sipping white wine, cursing men and spewing forth unjustifiable hatred for the male species yet they are almost always alone and miserable. Real men are so put off by female power, female aggression and female control that we would choose cleaning the driveway over contact with them. Get a grip women, men are wired to lead, protect and pursue you, not visa versa.

    Sadly, I used to adore my lady, I used to buy the occasional flowers and small gifts, I used to shower her with compliments, I used to seek out her company and find ways to surprise her and spoil her. Now our relationship is fractured. She couldn’t get past her need for total control and pleasing people who don’t actually care about her.

    • JosephineBakerStreet says:

      You should leave her for the driveway. She’s better off without you.

    • Laura says:

      You should try “His Needs, Her Needs”. It helps to understand why both sides are pulling so hard for what they “need” in the relationship…you are pulling really hard for respect, which is a fair want. However, she is probably pulling just as hard for love. The question is who will decide to bridge the gap and value the relationship over a demand? It hurts to give when all you want to do is take, but unfortunately that (alongside open communication) is the only turnaround when there’s so much pain and pride built up.

    • Kristin says:

      lol..1 in 6 women is raped in her life,and most of us have been harassed on the street countless times.And fuck your feelings,I hope she dumped your misogynistic ass!.

    • Lilly says:

      Thank you for your infinite wisdom. Totally understandable and justified!!!! Couldn’t agree with you more. Men love doing things for us as long as its RECOGNIZED and APPRECIATED. We can and will do everything however, let the MAN be a MAN. This reeks of pure masculinity and I appreciate it. No, a woman doesn’t rule and men get it, you got

  • Sarah says:

    Thanks for your post. I think i need to let it out. I met a guy on my holidays back home. We hit it off. he worked as a Diplomatic in my home town. I am Asian and he is from the states. after I went back to the country where I live and work,he visited me twice. We had a great connection. and he said He will no longer work in my home country and he got transferred to another country soon. I felt so sad and tried not to attach him emotionally. But he said he will visit me again. After he went on holidays back to his home in the states,he still tried to help me for my school applications which he encouraged me to get scholarship in the US. we said we missed each other. I figured out one thing that he was divorced once with the girl who he told is his ex girlfriend. I keep quite and did not ask him at all. I stopped texting him for one week coz i didnt want to disturb his family times and he reached out to me later But just before he moved to another country for diplomatic, he changed not texting me a lot or he sounded just a normal friend. I initiated conversation a few times. my last time was I let him know that i was not selected for scholarship. We started talking about it again and I told him I would move back to my home country and try another times for scholarship. Then he ignored me totally on FB messenger and I saw him online sometimes but never reached out to me. I put him on restricted list on Facebook for a week where he could not see my posts an pics at all then I decided to remove him from that list and he can see all my stuffs. After over one month we didn’t talk/text, I uploaded my new pic on facebook and he straightly liked it. I don’t have any idea at all. I feel so hurt but I still could control my feelings and never confront him yet.PS( when I tried to end the things , he did not want and he said he still wanted to keep in touch and talk to me). I never nag or chase him. Most of the times, i reached out to him were about school applications which he was helping me, coz i dont want him to feel pressured). Now He totally ignores me! 🙁 please tell me somethings.

    • Juanita Juniper says:

      Find someone else, he is not committed and just wants to be friends. There are many people out there to meet, go !!

  • S23 says:

    Is it possible that masculine men will pull away once they begin to see that you truly do understand them deeply? It seems like this has opened up a man to the idea that a relationship would be possible, but his current circumstances involve a very intense career focus that would make it difficult for him to feel like he can maintain the type of relationship he wants.

  • PrincessAngel says:

    What do you do to understand them?

  • Jessica L. Annarino says:

    Unlike Kelly, I can usually let go of the ‘noticing’ other women. My boyfriend has made comments about girls that I just die laughing, comments as if he isn’t even attracted to either sex lmao. When we were 19 he had a girl visually flirting, his comment was “She’s probably 13 with three kids”. While driving, we had a discussion and I mentioned finding someone cute in college, don’t want to go into detail about what it is incase of judgement on the topic – he spent 30 minutes while we were driving trying to find someone he thought was attractive. Just moments from home, he pointed to a guy and said he found him attractive…. it was a friend of his from high school XD

    Men look, but they can think pretty degradingly. you can think they’re CHECKING the females out but they can be just as judgmental as females lol

  • Summergrl says:

    I soooooo needed to hear this! (Well read this) ! Thank you so much Renee! You have opened my mind up for the better. I understand my husband much more now! 🙂

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  • Regina Bruce says:

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  • Evelyn Carver says:

    It is bs that women are taken care of!

  • Làdyy Swèèg's NinAàx says:

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  • Lyd says:

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  • Magdalena Belcescu says:

    I see here many points that are truth.I am married for 3 years now,and everything was ok,in the beggining.But then my husband start working late and weekends.I cant blame him for an affair,as he comes home every evening.But for me as a woman and wife I feel lonely ….and he seems to not get the point.I am working ,I feel good wile working,but when I rich home,I feel lonely.Many time I get to speak to my husband about my feelings,and he does not get point.I have a child too from my previsios marriage,and as I managed to bring my child from my parents house ,to live with us about a year ago,as we both working ,we shared the responsabilities…my husband took her school,I picked her up and so on…..in till few days ago when ,my husband refuses to help me with my child.I had to quit part of my work,to can take care of my child…..my husband told me few days ago ,he wants to separate,as he feels old ….to much stress….I am just totally shocked,as he is the one feeling old…..what about me??? All this time,I bear him …I understand him that is working….and he cant have time for me,he did not try absolutelly nothing…to make me happy…and now he is the one complaining….and he wants to separate,as I drive him mad he said…..yes I cant say I have not told him,that he needs to change…..but I really not understand him….I tried for some days now to not say nothing to him….I am just being nice cooking,washing him taking care …but that’s drive me nuts……as I cant work,I am still lonelly…and he seems to enjoy…he likes to live is own life….just coming home to sleep,eat…..that it .. what life is this.????

  • Isa says:

    Dear Renee,

    I dont know if you have already answered this in another article but what about men who laugh at women ? Is it because they like the woman or is it because they feel intimidated by her, like a nervous laugh? I just dont understand I find it very confusing I cant tell the difference sometimes…it gets me angry because i feel like they are making fun of me but maybe they dont mean any harm ! =)

    • sandre says:

      If they are laughing at you in a mean-spirited way they are not emotionally mature. If they laugh at you in way that they are laughing WITH you, or in a good-hearted way, there’s nothing wrong with that and it means they find you charming.

  • Krista Hughes says:

    Everything about this is exactly the opposite in my case when my feelings get hurt I cry that makes me immature childish & a cry baby. Im a woman not a rock. In seven years I’ve screwed up very bad one time when our us was hitting a lonely sad dead end now im just a who’re and Ill always be judt a whore. He beyter than anybody should lnow sex is the one thing i could live the rest of my days without its not fun for me with him or anyone else I put out to him once or twice a month for his happiness n satisfaction I dont want it need it nor have rime for it lol I play the housewife role as good as I can well the personal servant role explains what i do better than housewife role & with 3 kids one the oldest severely handicapped nonfunctioning my middle acting out for attention cause she’s no longer my baby her one year old bababy brother is. The way I take it he sees emotions for children only been busting my ass to gain back trust but shits just getting worse the harder I try to show him the more accusations he gives me he complains bitches n nit picks at stupid petty minor unimportantbshit for a reason to get mad mean hateful& downright cruel……. he scares my friends away well the 2 or 3 thats stuck with me y is he threatened by my girlfriend’s im straight and they visit twice maybe every two weeks he dont help with kids but they try to help me he seems to be a baby expert and says im nothing but a pos and a horrible parent and old lady I wuit leaving my house cause that was me “being a who’re” but im still a whore regardless he. Ignores me and avoids me won’t never take me anywhere dont want me to bother or annoy him or. Show any interest in him until I got plans with my girl friends or promise my kids qaulity time thats when im blowing him off and avoiding him never expresses wanting anything to do with me during me free open time only when I gotta leave in a car which I mostly gotta beg and bum for rides to do my important errands or get kids were they need to be cause hes busy fucking off or playing with his buddies to take me then accuses me of anything and everything that pops in his head when I return after denying tp take me or let me use our jeep I so need help options advice I know 7 years is a long time but I never ever thought your one & only best friend lover provider could turn on you so hard and make people think I single handedly screwed us up help help help plz….. I need to turn this table so he can feel just like hes making me…………

    • Krista Hughes says:

      I know yhis isnt jusy me or something im doing wrong I know two other girls also in long term relationships with kids going through the same exact crap hell I’d settle for getting him to stop constantly bashing belittling name calling & toying with my feelings out of spite I guess for still existing. Id give anything to turn my feelings off and be a arrogant cold cruel heartless control freak like him. Then I could atleast fake some smiles so maybe the kids can act like kids again they’ve gone into a dark depression poor babies who can blame them? They deserve a happy child hood n to experience being a happy care free free to be me kid. Leaving is not an option so help me make the best of this bad thing….

  • miss k says:

    Great read. @Connie…this may be wrong of me to say but I feel I should. I believe you are being manipulated by a narcissist. I would encourage you to do some research. I mean no harm and could be wrong…but I don’t believe I am. Blessings to you Connie. I wish you well.

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  • Anna says:

    “Only, the key to getting that genuine commitment from a top man is NOT make up. It’s NOT a slimmer body. Men don’t care about that; they care about a woman’s energy.

    I’m sorry but you lost me there. I have heard too many times, directly from men, that the #1 most important element of a woman’s attractiveness is looks. I dislike this fact just as much as the next woman, but it seems to be a law of nature. I am NOT saying that men only want stick-thin models (in fact, most seem to prefer an average weight), that average or below average looking women can’t find love, or that personality doesn’t play a role. Men’s taste varies greatly, so one man’s “ugly” could be another man’s “beautiful,” and personality can indeed make a woman more attractive. But the fact remains that they are very visual creatures.

    “Those things are the Feminine brain’s solution! Remember that! And take a look around…open your eyes…and view all the attractive, successful men, committed to far less attractive, perhaps jobless, and perhaps very overweight women!”

    Where?? The only time I see this is when a wife has “let herself go” 20 years into a marriage and the husband hasn’t, and they are rarely happy marriages. I personally can’t think of one couple where the woman was far less attractive than the man when they first got together. I know it happens, it’s just not at all common like you are making it out to be.

    I’m not denying that personality characteristics and behaviors have a huge impact on attracting men, but I just feel it’s unfair to tell women that men don’t care about weight and looks in general because they clearly do.

    • patriotgirl says:

      Anna…you are really only looking at the surface…men appreciate and like to look at beautiful women…maybe even daydream about bedding them…ATTRACTION is not about the way you look…it is about what YOU bring to the relationship…it is about UNDERSTANDING MEN…giving them your feminine energy…by giving them your feminine energy, you are giving them a GIFT…giving them something that they lack in their DNA. Show your emotions…be that feminine little girl inside of you who has the full spectrum of emotions…it’s OK to feel them…don’t use them to blame your man. YOU have within you RADIANCE that far surpasses young attractive girls because your life experiences have given you DEPTH…meaning you are not one-dimensional. The next time your hubby ogles a pretty young thing…say something like “Wow..she’s really pretty [attractive, gorgeous…whatever word suits the occasion], isn’t she? By doing this, you are acknowledging his ogling and not blaming him…you could also unleash your dark (sensual) side by playfully giving him a hint of what’s in store for him when you both get
      home…you might be happily shocked at his response. Best of luck to you.

      • Makeda Sylvester says:

        It is not how Anna is looking at it….doesn’t matter if she is looking superficially….its about the men…and Anna did explain exactly how they see it. Period.

      • Proudly Aqua says:

        Anna your comment fascinates me. Yes you have men who are all about looks… but do I really want those ones nope. I am African and in my country women go all out to look beautiful… everyone trying to be light skinned, expensive hair, clothes, make up artiste etc… I am just a dark girl on dreads, no make up , regular clothes… and my boyfriend is from the top class of the society and loves me. In fact asides calling and texting me often which I know is very difficult for him, he will do anything for me including closing from work at 11pm and meeting me up at an event all because i asked when he’s supposed to be resting. I am even worried that he does everything for me . As a matter of fact, I have dated just successful men who involve themselves deeply in to the relationship. I still have my ex hanging around. I see many of these ‘beautiful girls’ very lonely and move from one drama to another. Truth is these men know when you’re trying so hard… beauty could attract the man, but it can not keep them. Secondly I have watched my brothers who claim to like flashy girls fall for girls who don’t even wear make up…. in fact one terms his gf as ‘that peace he’s never experienced’. Bottom line… men are not necessarily about the looks… for sex yeah. I just feel women should be themselves, love themselves and accept relationship advice from themselves… do what you want, worse case get an advice from a guy.

    • sandre says:

      Being physically attractive can ATTRACT a man to you and get you that first date but it won’t necessarily get him to commit to you on its own.

      Yeah, you might say, well that’s great then, but how am I supposed to get that first date then?

      To that I would say that, yes, you DO have to take reasonably good care of yourself and present yourself well. I’m not talking about looking like a supermodel, but don’t letting oneself go and being at an unhealthy weight and looking like a slob generally isn’t going to attract positive male attention or make them want to go out on a date with you. This isn’t sexism; it’s common social dynamics. You wouldn’t want to go out with an obese slob who’s wearing an old smelly tshirt with bbq stains, either.

      There are media-feuled beauty standards, and then there are average, health-sconcsious beauty standards that most men will go for. If you’re height-weight proportionate, dress reasonable well to flatter your figure, and are generally a nice, pleasant person, most men will find you at least reasonably attractive. Add in a genuine feminine energy, a good personality, willingness to be open and vulnerable and learn about him, and you have a pretty good chance.

      • Makeda Sylvester says:

        Men ogle sexy and beautiful women. Then they want to have sex with them. Many times, they will marry a plain one so other men won’t covet her like he does the really sexy ones. So while he is married to a less sexy woman many times, he secretly desires the sexy ones to full his fantasies while the one at home provides him with security.

  • Kelly says:

    I agree with many of the points raised here, decent men are pretty straight forward and don’t play games.

    The thing I have trouble with is the ‘noticing’ other women. This is easier to laugh off when you’re still young enough to be in the game and hold your own but not so funny as you’re getting older. Men are wired to notice and appreciate the fertile female form and crave it on a deep level. When we age we cease to hold that pull and we all know what it looks like when the middle aged man is subtly noticing attractive females while with his wife. It’s not such a funny dynamic when the man you love is drawn to other women so powerfully biologically while your feminine essence is becoming dimmer and he may come to feel deprived. Nature is cruel to women in this regard. I could never fully conceive of this dynamic until it slowly crept into my marriage – no matter how attentive, feminine and loving there is a point where a woman loses her appeal against other women even to her beloved and it is painful – unless she finds him off putting then it may be a relief. A younger woman knows intellectually she will age and believes all will be fine but the actual lived experience if it is a change in her place in the world and in her relationship with men. There seems to be no answer to this, it’s sad. Sorry, I don’t meaning be negative but I just think it’s not addressed in the car wash picture above and needs to be discussed because each young woman will move through this transition and her relationship with men will be different, so it may be helpful to prepare the feminine heart for this.

    • Kathleen says:

      Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. You hit the nail right on the head. It’s exactly what I feel and at present going through right now!!

    • Bjørn Tore Kieding says:

      I often hear from women that they find that men get more and more attractive as they grow older, while women fade off quite young. Still most women have no problem admitting their desire for Brad Pitt and the other famous icons. What is the difference with women looking at these men, from men looking at these women? Talking generally here…a spouses admiration of someone else may make the other feel less worthy, if you are so inclined. I have experienced this myself, but I can’t really say i care much if my girlfriend have a wet dream about a celebrity, because I know how this works for myself. Enjoying something beautiful is not the same as dissmissing your spouse, and it does not mean that you want to make a swap. It just means you are enjoying looking at the “flowers”. Maybe women are different than men and you actually concider doing it with the men you admire, while men know they are just window shopping…. maybe I should be more worried about my girlfriend admiring those men? I know many men swap their women for younger items and i will not talk for them and there may be heartache ahead, but women are still hot after 50 it is just that men are a little pre programmed to observe girls in child bearing age… even if they don’t really want any more children.

    • Juanita Juniper says:

      That’s why we have to STAY FEMININE, take care of ourselves, so we don’t feel like crap about ourselves !!! Honestly, I would say women in general look a lot better as we get older than the men do. IN GENERAL. And a man will never ever understand what women go through in life, so why bother even trying to explain. Our role is constantly changing, and when we’re in our 50’s, in the middle of growing children who don’t need us and aging parents who do need us, all the emotions, menopause, etc, and also to still have to look hot… well, it’s tough but we can do it. And if your husband is looking, maybe you can go find someone else, too. 🙂 you could still be in the game too, ya know.

  • Lady says:

    We express ourselves through emotions. Being emotionless would be great, but im not a robot or a guy. And when that’s not being met I know I don’t feel connected to my man and i constantly need to be reassured. No one constantly wants to be reassured. But if my man was a better listener I feel that i would be his ultimate compliment. He doesn’t have to constantly bash how I feel but just simply listen. I know men who talk about their views and thoughts with no problem (& I don’t believe they r gay). I think it depends on who u feel most comfortable to open up around. If someone in the relationship is lacking something because it’s not being fufilled they won’t be as expressive as they could/should be. Ive been in a relationship for 3 years and still have security issues. I cannot blame only but a portion on him and the rest on me. But on the contrary he is a very loving man and does a lot for me. It would be nice to help fulfill those emotional needs. But I can’t have it all, If i did i would probably idiloize him and that wouldnt be healthy. So I have to work on myself after all.

    • Anonymous says:

      Okay, I do agree with a lot of your points, but I am not always going to bend to my man’s wishes..If I am feeling terrible, and I need to talk it through with him, and it’s essential to make me feel better, then I will, whether it is a burden to him or not. In a relationship it should be equal commitment and equal effort, not just the female doing most the work to make the man happy, she should have a right to be understood and appreciated too, but also leaving room for personal growth on both halves. I just think that unless I get some of my emotion out sometimes, it could be a burden on our relationship, because you even said to not hold things in, and as long as it’s in reasonable circumstances, I will not worry about what he thinks, it’s his job to help me as it’s my job to do whatever he needs when it’s his time of need.

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi. I prefer to remain anonymous.
    It seems like I’m jinxed with men. Everytime when I gave myself a chance in a relationship, the relationship didn’t last. My confidence in relationship has gone down from zero to minus infinity. I’ve read a lot about understanding men and I’ve always tried my very best. Still I get dumped all the time. This is not good for me nor my self-confidence. Maybe something is just not right. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m just not the relationship type.
    I’m on the verge of giving up totally on relationship.

  • christina trinh says:

    I did not nag him enough. he would always say that I did not care about him. I would tell him how much I appreciated him, I would cook, clean, take care of the house, yard and the kids. nothing I did was ever good enough for him. he loved putting me down and calling me names. I did not give into him. we are divorced, so know after almost 9 years with out a men can I find someone who will not try to pine me down. I don’t what another husband, just someone I can hang out with, have fun and not have to sleep with them. I know a gay one will work, but I am a women, they are not looking to hang out with me. I want someone who can be in a room with me and sit beside me and not try to get into my pants. no, I have not been on a date for some time know because I am tired of hearing about all their problems. I don’t have any problems with my x because i forgave him for all the wrong he has done to me ( their is a lot of it).

  • Wendy says:

    Awesome. Keep the good work Renee. We love you for giving us clarity.

  • mimi says:

    All i can say is wow! This was amazing. My man is doing the same thing. And my first reaction was “forcing” him to talk to me….but it made him ignore me more then when he did speak, it was like he only wanted to because he felt pressured by me. So i started asking if he still loved me and wanted to be with me and his response was always yes. And he even said it without me asking. Then i realized hey i think I’m acting like a straight fool here. Especially when he told me when he gets mad he withdraws. I feel horrible now and I choose to give him his space until he comes around! Reading this has confirmed his feelings,my feelings as well as what I should do to handle the situation. I do not usually comment this much. But i truly appreciate your reassurance! Thanks a bunch Renee!!!

  • amber-lee says:

    Thank you Renée, you have helped me to feel a little better after reading this article
    but I’m just wondering if I should be worried, I’ve been basically non-officially dating this guy for 8 months or more now and just last night, he told me he got an invitation to go to Perth in April, with this friend who is a girl (it would be just her and him for a whole week)and basically she doesn’t want to go on her own, that’s why she invited him, he thinks its such a good deal because its free accommodation and all he has to do is pay for his flight, but I just feel off about it, I feel that this woman must want more than just a buddy for the week and he never mentioned her name he didn’t seem to want to put out there that it is with a girl and also he’s never mentioned anything about this before last night, seeing as I only read this article today you could imagine how upset I was and I would not let him know why other than I nearly broke it off with him (I have been thinking about me and him a lot and he hasn’t asked me out but we act like a couple and don’t see other people, he just thinks it adds pressure to be a good boyfriend if he is officially mine, which is hard to hear because I know its such a little thing, but I truly want him I want to know that he is my boyfriend!, I feel like if he spends a whole week with this girl there could possibly be sex and anyway as I say I went to break it off last night, and anyway he got really emotional and said that he was tired and he wants to discus it today but I know him I know this means he will ignore me until the problem goes away, I want to be with him!.
    I just cant bare to imagine him going away with some other girl and I also don’t want to dictate his life and make him resent me for telling him not to go, but if I don’t tell him, he will go and I know, I can barely trust him now! I think id mind block it up to be worse than it is and I don’t think I could be involved with him the same.
    If anyone has any advice, please help me, I would really appreciate it a lot. I do love him and I don’t want to end it,I seem to stuff up all the time and start all our fights, I’m trying to be better but its hard and he is understanding and reassures me that he does love me so much and he only wants me I guess because I have a brother I’m close with, I know how men can be, seeing as my brother has a bad past with stuff like cheating unfortunately, which I guess has stuffed up my mentality to think every man to smile at me and say they love me is secretly screwing someone else, I just think this is my last hope It seems like he only wants me because he doesn’t want to be alone but I don’t know 🙁

  • keshia says:

    Hello my name is Keshia. I use to date my boyfriend about 7 years ago. last year I ran into him at a parade. We exchanged numbers and picked up where we left off. The thing is he got married and divorced within that time. Everything started out great but, things changed when he said he fell in love. He didn’t intend on falling in love and having these feelings. We don’t spend time together and he doesn’t call in the mornings as in the beginning. Everything is different. We had a talk and he says he got to know who I really am this time around…how im a good person, how big my heart is and how much I love and would do anything for him. The next day we has a brief conversation and the day after that nothing. For 2 weeks now it has been nothing. He texted me late one night. However, I was asleep. The next morning he texted and said he couldn’t sleep and wanted to talk. I still haven’t heard a word from him. He says I had done nothing and he loves me. Is it possible that hes confused about me coming out of a marriage and divorce? Im so in love with him and want us to be together. I haven’t called or texted him. Im giving him his space although him pulling away came out of nowhere. What can I do to get him back? Am I missing something? Is it just that he realized im not the one or am I reading into something that’s not there? Im so broken hearted and confused yet in love.

    Thank You so much,
    Keshia

  • Vicky says:

    Dear Renee,

    I wish I have read this sooner. I met a really wonderful, sweet guy, and I was his first relationship ( we dated for 10 months). In the beginning, I was really frustrated with him because he wasn’t being romantic to court me nor did his research on things to do for dates because he was really clueless, and I was kind of leading the relationship, which eventually I ended up becoming tight and controlling and even though he had offer suggestions on things to do, I ended up turned them down easily because I thought they weren’t fun (and I didn’t realize that discouraged him to becoming more assertive with me). He was slow in a way that it took more time for him to understand what I needed from him and he usually complied. I hardly had fights with him simply because I knew that I am anxious and I am the typical woman who always need reassurance from him, so I’ve been more cautious not to jump to conclusions too easily. Our last fight, I was upset that he didn’t answer my phone calls (I called him many times and he didn’t pick up, and I was afraid that something happened to him because he normally wouldn’t do that), and I was upset because he was aware that the phone was ringing but he didn’t pick up right away when he was talking to his friend, and I was trying to prove a point that what if those calls were emergency calls, and he was saying that I was overreacting and my calls were not even emergency. The fight then escalated to my reaction of his lack of engagement in conversations with me on the phone lately and that he said that it was not necessary to talk on the phone everyday and that got me more upset because the reason I wanted to talk on the phone everyday even when I sometimes didn’t have anything to say because I want us to keep connecting. Nevertheless, he was upset and didn’t talk to me for three straight days, and that point I was upset and told him that I was hurt when he gave me the cold shoulder at the time I wanted to talk to him and apologize. It was during those days that he was thinking a lot about our relationship and our conversation and somehow it clicked him that the reason he didn’t want to talk to me on the phone everyday because he had no desire to do so and that upset him because he should feel happy and look forward to talk to me every day at night but he didn’t. So he ended our relationship. He told me that I deserve much better guy than him and that it sucked that it ended because he really cared about me and it didn’t feel the same anymore. He went on saying that he couldn’t see us in the future and that we didn’t seem to have things in common, etc. Honestly, I really don’t know what to do. I know I have these insecurities and I’ve been working on them and even going to therapy just so that these things won’t interfere so much into the relationship but I felt like no matter what I do, I can’t seem to prevent that. Now I felt like a loser because I felt like I finally found someone whom I can feel I can be myself around with (with no insecurities and controlling) but I still make the same mistakes. We loved each other and he always said he loved me for who I am. I guess the question for you is what or how much I can do to stop those insecurities or my controlling freak to spill over to my next potential relationship because I just can’t keep afford to screw up and I’m really tired to screwing up. I really wanted to get back with him to work it out or start over but I definitely feel like he really gave a lot of thought to choose to break up with me.

  • Stefanie says:

    You make some excellent points in this post and, my God, everything you said about fear and insecurities is so true when it comes to me! I have never felt good enough, even though I have bent over backwards for other people and especially, for men. People tell me I am too good or too nice, but that’s just me! I have been blessed with an AMAZING mother who is so loving and I took on the same qualities as her. So I should stop being this way? I’m not sure what to do anymore in relationships. I am dating someone now and I feel like I may have pushed him away by constantly telling him what he is doing wrong in the relationship. He always listens and asks me what he can do to fix it. But I feel like he is starting to get frustrated, and thinks he will never be able to do anything right. Is there a way to salvage our relationship, at this point? He is a good guy but I am so jaded from past relationships that I am making him out to be a bad guy.

  • Juliette says:

    Dear Renee,

    I agree in many aspects with you. I had a bf before who was “too nice”. He wanted to spend all his free time with me, expected me to do the same. And he was smart, caring, reliable, looked like a greek god; and why he wasn’t good enough? Because I felt like his mother sometimes, I loved him but wasn’t in love with him, couldn’t really respect him and definitally not surrander to him, he was nice, I was the man.
    I need a strong, tall, responsible man who knows how to treat me but have his own way, things, etc. And finally I think I find him, before I met him I was single for 5 years, and kind of gived up on man. I’m very passionate, most guys run away from me, he is the first since I was 25 (34 now) who really make me feel like a woman. It is quite new, only 2 months, and yes, I have doubts I’m not the only woman in his life, though he seem pretty keen on me, we talk every day, meet once or twice a week (he lives and works 30 miles from me). But there was attraction from the first minute, and still is, after one hour we were talking and acting like a couple. But, and there is always a but, I don’t trust him yet, when he is with me I have no douts he wants me and care about me. But he still dates other woman, and even our time together is special, I don’t feel special because I’m not the only one. He wants me, but he don’t wont to be exlusive “just now”.
    I told him that I don’t want to be one of the dozen he dates, I give myself more credit. He looked disturbed, and doesn’t disappered, instead contacted me dight after he left. But I can’t belive this is not just manipulation to “keep me on board”. Maybe I should just tell him to get lost. But I really like him, and I feel we can be perfect for each other.
    He is the man I always wanted, except of not wanting to commit.
    What you think? What can I do to make him want to commit to me?

    • Connie says:

      My situation sounds like Stephanie.
      Down to my personality and past relationships.
      The man I’m in love with was cheated on by his ex wife then divorce. He in the beginning was very insecure and accusing of me. He broke down and cried and asked me to forgive him. I know in my heart of hearts he’s a good man badly hurt.
      We talked of a future including marriage then out of nowhere he started pushing me away. He’s the one initiating the plans for the future all I did was fall deeper in love.
      I’ve told him I don’t understand the pushing away. He started arguments yet blamed me. Then in all said he’s doing what he’s doing for us.He’s fighting for us. To me he acts the way a female would behave.
      Goes from telling me he loves me to not.From supportive telling me to be strong for myself to I don’t want to do this. He’s broken it off numerous times yet I hold on and he stays.
      He always says he doesn’t want to get married and feel he’s stuck or something go wrong. It’s like he’s sabotaging us. It makes no since when in the beginning he was so alone and I know he was. He was very genuine and truthful. So why sabotage? Why hurt someone you love when it’s what you want. I’ve apologized I’ve cried until I finally started feeling jealous and accusing and that’s not me.
      I’m exhausted and I have told him I need clarity not because I’m tired of him but the back and forth. I’m getting older by the day and life is too short. Either live it with a love or without.
      This I told him today. And for the first time in a long time he told me ending our call not just the normal good night but added sweet dreams.
      He’s had two strokes already. I’ve begged him to take his medicine before. He claims he wants love and to live but struggles with me so.
      I’m lost without him. The genuinely good man. The sensitive has become a stranger. What’s worse is I know he’s dishonest in the way he treats me I just can’t understand why the whole thing when you want the love and guarantee to start?
      I’m seriously taking this article into thought. Only to save me and what’s left in exhaustion.
      I know the heart ache and confusion of loving someone.
      Thanks for the soundboard

      • mymymy says:

        Connie just how do you know in your heart of hearts he is a good man? Honestly how? Is there a chance he is really a ‘bad man’ and you just want him to be a ‘good man’?

        Everything you describe about him says he is not a ‘good man’. Might you really know something you’re hoping isn’t true.

        If those in my life would have been as I wanted — not as they actually were — what a difference my life would have been. Oh how the winds of that mismatch raised such defeating desperation and insanity in those cold and lonely days.

        As strange as it may sound; there are rare and usually unmentioned times when the most loving caring thing is to just leave. If you take the road less traveled this time be kind to you. You are however the only person who has been and will be with you all the days of your life. Maybe you could consider just a tiny little hint of love for you. One small flicker at sunrise. You don’t need to tell anyone and no one would object anyway.

        There is a chance that if you could find that sweet fleeting flicker yourself then when that genuinely good man actually does come along he may let you know he can see it also.

        Firm faith is so much easier than false failure.
        too.

  • Ben Plummer says:

    I disagree with you on one point. You said that not all men are desperate. That’s not really true. We are all desperate but some are really good at hiding it.

    • Ben Plummer says:

      Also, men don’t like to open up to their girlfriends because it is emasculating, and because any sign weakness will cause a loss of respect. As the song by Zero 7 says, “now that I see you stripped to the very core I know that I need you less than i did before.” There is no compassion in this world for men except from their mothers. That is why they cry for their mothers when dying in battle and not their wives. The least compassionate woman in a mans life is his lover.

    • Renee Wade says:

      All men are desperate. No, I think there’s a truer truth. All men and women have been desperate for something at some points in their life.

      That’s a very stunted, anxiety-inducing message you’re sending. Try sending it on your own website as this is not the place.

  • Lauren Murray says:

    Hi,

    My boyfriend is like a woman, he’s feminine, needs to talk over his feelings, feels the need to put work into relationships, he’s like my best friend, he helps and welcomes me when I need to vent because he feels his opinion is valued, he also finds that it strengths and enriches our relationship and connection by being this way. He is such an emotional person, sometimes I feel like the guy! I love him and feel that he is everything I need, he has what I’ve always wanted, I feel that my two previous relationships failed because they couldn’t understand or be this way with me.

    Although most of your article is very interesting and helpful, some men out there are feelings-orientated and feminine. Maybe you could do a study on those types of men?

    Regards!

  • lynda says:

    Hi, I love your thoughts but I’m confused now. My man is a recovering alcoholic of one year. I stayed and supported him through his detox because I believed there was a good and loving man underneath the drinking and always told him so.
    We’ve had a very happy year together with much love being expressed on both sides
    I’ve always praised and encouraged my man complimented his work told him I was proud of him that he was handsome and my hero etc.

    One morning after the previous normal evening together, and after I had made us both some tea in bed, he sat up and said ‘We just don’t fit’ and launched into a long carping list of complaints. I listened and later it turned emotional and I cried and admit that I hurt him back by saying stuff. Then he told me that I didn’t have enough get up and go (NOT TRUE)and that now that he had stopped drinking he was much much stronger and not the man I had first met and basically didn’t need me anymore !!! I feel that all the praise that he has been getting from me and others has completely gone to his head and he now thinks he is much to good for me…….what! Yes I’m feeling used and angry now. What do you think happened there Renee? Lynda from the UK

  • Wendy says:

    I rarely comment on blogs, but I had to on this one… I told my man I’d read ‘something somewhere’ that men would stare as intently at a row of rabbits running across the road as they would at a bikini car wash. I asked if that was true. I got a resounding ‘yes’. In fact, he said he’d probably stare EVEN MORE INTENTLY at the row of rabbits because it was so UNEXPECTED and MEMORABLE.

    So, ladies, you have nothing to fear from bikini car wash supermodels – they are just not memorable.

    Perhaps the highest praise any woman can receive from her man is to be described as ‘not boring’ (ie., that you are memorable). I would go so far as to say that this may be just one way he’s saying he loves you and sees a future with you.

    Be memorable 🙂

  • Anne Onymous says:

    Waaayy too long. Lately it seems all these articles are just getting longer and longer. By the time I finish reading one, I have difficulty remembering what the point was in the first place. If you want to get a point across – to men or women – you need to tighten up the writing and make it more concise. It doesn’t come across as “feminine”, more like “rambling”. I just don’t think I can keep reading these any more, since whether or not there’s good advice buried under the torrent of words it won’t do me any good if I have to spent all day dredging it up.

  • Frill Artist says:

    As a man, it almost makes me very happy to see a woman that actually understands how men work. Seriously, every woman needs to visit this blog and read what you’ve written. This is so bang on.

  • sup says:

    Dear Renee,
    I just wanted to appreciate all your work. All your blog posts and your emails are really helped me. And also the quiz about fb made by David is also good. so thank you for helping women to become more feminine. You two(you and David) are amazing.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Thanks Sup for reading and dropping us a line! 🙂
      -Renee.

      • K says:

        “Often, you’ll find that the MORE you try to ‘talk things through’ with a man, the more he will pull away and run from you.”

        Renee,
        Then what DOES work?

  • Every day brings new meaning says:

    Aww, I would most definitely love to join your understanding man program in the future, I would love nothing more than to have real understanding of men.

    I’m just in the process of sorting through all my lifes problems that I blocked from my mind over the whole course of my life.

    I couldn’t possibly be of any value to a man at this point in my life as I’m too wrapped up in my emotional problems that I’ve experienced- I feel that I keep trying to tell people as I want to be heard and understood- where I felt emotionally abounded. At least I’m trying to pick myself up.

    At the moment I’m purposely not wearing makeup or over care about my hair because I’m desperately trying to reach a place of unconditional acceptance. I mean if I’m struggling to do these things in my youth then how the hell would it feel as an old lady!

    The funny thing is though, even though I’m in the midist of feeling at a low point, I’ve still managed to attract some men- but I’m choosing to heal my life.

    I find that really funny to believe about the car wash! I could not even believe for the life of me that men wouldn’t be looking at the bikini women in a sexual light, but if they are missing something. This is nothing I could have imagined.

    The men not judging is a great relieve, because ever since a small child I felt picked on and judged by what felt like over powering men and that was scary because I was just a small person that had no way of exscaping the situation.

    Ever since I can remember far back I’ve always been scared of men at a deep unconscious level and often allowed for abuse to happen as if their is something wrong with me as a person and I deserved to be hurt.

    I think some men were saying nasty things about me recently in my street. Basically someone wanted my number and I exchanged it as friends. Things got a little over heated so I said no, that’s not what I want in my life.

    The man basically wanted a friends with benefit situation in the end- or at least that’s what he was working towards. So I told him I have an estrogen filled body- I’d actually feel really hurt by anything of that.

    One of my other neighbors was talking to me on the way home from the shops, so now I feel that’s why the other man and his two friends were being nasty about me. I may have imagined it but I got a bad vibe that they were running me down, so I walked on because that has more power sometimes
    .

    However, I shall never concern myself with men judging me again.

  • elliot says:

    Great Article!

  • Kimberly says:

    Hello Renee,
    I feel so lucky! I love reading your articles. I have been going through the understanding men program and I am eating up every bit of it. The program is so PACKED full of AWESOME information. I’m in the middle of day 6 and I’m disappointed that theres only one more module. For everyone following your articles I highly recommend the investment for understanding men program. Also, I’ve subscribed to attraction control and Ive only received the first month but I’m eagerly looking forward to the following installments.
    I do actually have a question regarding this article. You mention the incident where the men were intently looking at the bikini women carwash. I get that men are visual and that they are hardwired to notice changes in their environment. You also mention that they probably forgot all about it 5 minutes later. And I may have to disagree with you on that.
    I think that because men are so visual, and because they are hardwired to look, and because our culture is so saturated with sexual images that often men have a sort of rolodex of sensual images that they can draw on from days, weeks, months, or even years in the past. And yes sometimes a man will indulge in these images and oftentimes these images intrude involuntarily or arise without warning even if the man doesnt want them to. and every mans physical impulse is to enjoy the feelings associated with these thoughts and images. So this mental rolodex is then a temptation to be entertained and is difficult to get rid of. I understand that every man is different and that every man can make a choice. But does a man really forget all about it? Probably not. What are your thoughts on a man’s visual rolodex?

    • jennifer says:

      Hi range, I have been dating a wonderful man online for the past 9 months who was deployed, he said he couldn’t wait to be home so he could be with me. When he was away we spoke every single day texting/emailing each other up to 5 hours at a time, I know he loves me, I feel it deep down inside.
      He finally came home 3 weeks ago. The first week he was in Washington being debriefed, he has a son so he wanted to spend some time with him which I get, that was week 2. He told me he had somethings to take care of, his affairs, bank, make repairing his house and that he would take care of all these things before coming to me, then he would be all mine .
      The last time I heard from him was the 24, he told me he loved me, missed me , couldn’t wait to be with me, I haven’t heard from him since. I reached out to him twice and nothing, today is the May 3rd and it’s so hard not to get inside my head and unleash all the female insecurities.
      I just read your book online about why men paul away, to find themselves or to get things done, please tell me what you think, and help me not to blow mchances with this man. I love him so much, so please help me understand what not to do
      i

  • Jade says:

    While my other half used to ask what was wrong or how I was feeling, really he wasn’t really listening to what I was saying and this did annoy me more so than him looking at other women. After all, I tend to look at attractive men and also attractive women

  • Ann says:

    Hi Renee

    I’m a little confused about being expressive, authentic, vulnerable (which includes talking about how you feel and not holding things back from him) and then you said they don’t like that… the “MORE you try to ‘talk things through’ with a man, the more he will pull away and run from you.”

    Maybe I am getting this wrong but isn’t that contradictory and very confusing?

    • Joan says:

      I’m not sure about that one either.

      But, talking things through, in a modern sense, means we are making demands or blaming. And with that we need to be careful.

      Usually when she talks about the things we should be doing with men, she usually says expressing our emotions and feelings.

    • Joan says:

      I’m really not sure about that one either.

      But, usually she calls talking to men, we have to be expressive, with emotion.

      Now talking things through, is not as expressive in a modern sense. It may be more blaming, at least the way a man would see it.

  • Tess says:

    Reading your posts lifted a tremendous weight off my heart today. My boyfriend has been somewhat non-communicative of late and today marks the 3rd weekend, in a row, that we’ve not made plans. It has boggled my mind as to why I was never offered an apology or told he would make it up to me. Now I realize, it’s because 1) I never told him I was hurt, 2) he works 60 hours a week at a very stressful job that he doesn’t really like so he needs the weekend time to decompress and just be free from stress and 3) none of this means he doesn’t love me or doesn’t want to be with me so, to him, there isn’t a need to apologize.
    I simply need to remember that the last time we were together, he said he loved me, the last time we spoke on the phone, he said he’d come visit me soon (we live an hour away from each other)and, despite the lack of communication and another lonely weekend, our relationship isn’t ending. It’s just on pause.
    Thank you so, so much for offering a perspective that doesn’t turn me into a clingy, passive aggressive mess with a sense of entitlement!

  • Alex says:

    This was very helpful. I was a few hours away from calling my long-distance bf of two years, and telling him that I am very frustrated with out relationship and I think he is not putting in enough effort to talk to me. Renee, My love language is communication/quality time. I didnt realize until reading your articles that it really is EVERY WOMAN’S love language. i know there are some exceptions. but i really truly don’t feel loved when my man calls me every 8 days. it sucks. And he doesn’t like skype or facebook and he sucks at communication already. So i am the one putting in all the effort and i know why now. I’ve always wondered why we are so GREAT together in person, but we suck when we are apart. lol. This has helped me tremendously already. And I am glad that a woman as smart as you is actually being honest and open-minded in the world she is living in. but at the same time you are not denying your true identity of being a woman and are not ashamed of your imperfections and flaws. Thank you for your clarity and your hard work in all you do.

    P.S. I have 6 brothers and lots of guy friends, and I’ve grown up learning to be compassionate with the men I live with! I have no choice if I’m gonna be happy!

  • SwordyX says:

    I am a male and this is so spot on!! OMG!!!!! SOOOO SOOOOO SOOOOO SPOT ON!!!!! ROAAAAR

  • Tara says:

    Hi Renee! I love reading your insights and they seem the same as what some other amazing relationshup coaches out there say. My question is regarding insight 2 – what if you are putting your toolsinto practice and he STLL leaves- at that point is it more about him having issues (depression, stress, needing validation) and leaving due to those? Thanks!

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  • Sue says:

    Hi all

    Just need your advices…

    I like someone but he is hot n cold…my heart said to love him but my mind said to leave him…what should I do? he dissapointed me twice…

    Thanks..really appreciate your advices…

    Sue

  • Salem Suwareh says:

    This is the first comment I’ve ever made on a site like this. I just wanted to say that this stuff is the kind of thing women should be reading. I feel that many women make the mistake of thinking either that it’s only men who don’t understand them, that it’s they who don’t understand men or a combination.

    But I think the necessary key for women, is to understand themselves. You highlighted this when you talked about how women are attracted to certain traits/things no matter what they think or say they think about it etc. which I want to thank you for since it’s the truth. I don’t say that as some bitter asshole either – I like women, like a lot of men do – but we all need to understand ourselves.

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  • Anais says:

    “With men, when you play it right, and stop taking advice from friends who may not want the best for you, and make your own decisions – you might start to see that, men actually want to be there for you and commit to you and take care of you.”

    I certainly agree here, Renee. Some friends really want to hold you back because they see your femininity as a threat, that you may end up in a relationship better than theirs. And I have had more positive experiences ever since I began making my own choices in my love life. I’m tired of hearing my girl friends say how this man is a jerk for something he did and making judgments. It’s often not that he’s a jerk. However, there’s still one piece I struggle with:

    “But believe it or not, soon enough, if a man is masculine and you have attracted this masculine man in to your life, he won’t mind you expressing yourself. In fact, he’ll mind you holding everything in and being a sloth about your emotions!

    Holding things in is not attractive, and it doesn’t keep the right man around. The right man wants you to express.”

    What you say here, Renee, makes perfect sense. I wish I could meet that man. Men desire respect, and respect for their masculine energy which you’ve greatly emphasized in your other posts. And yet whenever I express my feelings to men who I have given respect to, they either 1. say I’m overreacting or tell me i need to change something about myself. They may or may not do anything to show that they care 2. they pretend to cherish my feelings and then do something that contracts it later on. And if I hide my feelings, I of course suffer. It honestly feels like damned if you do, damned if you don’t and really frustrating.

    I feel ok being vulnerable to men in the sense of letting men do for me when they offer. But expressing feelings of a situation usually seems to push them away rather than bring them close, and I don’t express my feelings with blame. Is it possible that I am simply dealing with immature commitment phobic men and ones who have been feminized by modern society? I find it hard to be my authentic self when it just seems to push men who come into my life away.

    • Da Man says:

      Perhaps you did, luv. I’m a man but sometimes I feel women need to express more of their feelings to us men so we’ll know when they are interested in us.

      Keep trying to find a man who loves it when you are yourself, carefree and not careworn!

      • Anais says:

        ^Thank you for your comment! Rereading this article, I have to be honest and admit that my choices in men are part of the problem.

        I also have done this:
        “Maybe the idea of security in having a man who is not as good a catch as other men. Maybe you secretly feel you’re second best to other women your whole life, so your brain thinks attention is lacking; which is why the first man who seems to come along and give it to you….even if he’s a desperate heeby-jeeby, will do.”

        Yeah. I attract a lot of men and have made some terrible mistakes of choosing dating some guys just because they were nice and seemed as though they would stick around, even though they weren’t high value men. I’m afraid of guys leaving because I think they will get bored so I often “date down”.

        And these lower quality guys don’t stay anyway. They have self confidence issues themselves when it comes to women and feel that if a woman actually likes them and doesn’t treat them like crap, there must be something “wrong” with her too. I believe they think something is “wrong” with me for liking them. I subconsciously did it to create a self-fulfilling prophecy that I have with myself when it comes to men. Now that I can see this and admit it. I can break this practice now

  • Leigh says:

    I LOVE this article.

    After much “holding in” of my emotions, I exploded all over the guy I have been dating … and after he hugged me (and laughed at me) he told me that he likes that I dont take his Sh*t. I was so shocked.

    For days afterwards I expected him to leave me. He’s still around.
    And he cooks me dinner frequently. *smile*

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  • bsmbahamas says:

    It’s really awesome to find so much free(and paid) info teaching real truths about us men, so many women listen to their silly friends and relatives or learn from the TV, but they learn all the wrong stuff. From the super skinny models, to the rich buff powerful guys, it’s mostly fake, and not even ideal in most cases. Why can’t women simply say clearly what they want to their mate? talking to your frenemies will usually result in them stealing your guy if you brag too much or they’ll help amplify his faults to get you to dump him if they want hiom or are envious or your perfectly good or perfectly bad relationship. Women will encourage you to dump your mate simply because they don’t take to him regardless of whether you like him or not. Ladies keep reading this blog, and *always* seek professional help. The only thing worse than seeking good professional advice is assuming that you don’t need this knowledge. If your sick you go to a doctor, if your car breaks down you call a mechanic, if your relationship needs help – don’t call your girlfriends and family members.

    lot’s of really good stuff on this blog, especially these 5 points. Keep enlightening them Renee.

  • Lusanda says:

    Thanks Alicia I did text him today to say something like ‘I didn’t mean to offend,I’d like us to resolve the issue but can’t know what it is if he’s not talking to me. Then I said he can talk to me when he’s ready and left it at that. I think saying sorry sounds a bit like grovelling considering he wants me to read his mind as to why he’s really upset.Its really up to him now. The 1st week of no contact was hard if I could do that I can do anything so I will not pursue.I’ve actually had time to think whether I really want to continue and I’m not sure even though I’m inlove with him. He can’t deal with confrontation at all or he withdraws. He wants to sulk his way out of everything and that’s unfair .This is a tactic to not explain himself becase after the silence you just want to make peace and move on.

  • Lusanda says:

    Eye opening.Honestly reading this makes me think of how badly I’ve messed up with my boyfriend. He’s not innocent in how things turned out but he probably couldn’t handle all the emotions and resorted to the ‘silent treatment’. Still on (2 weeks now). I believe in speaking my mind and expresing myself but I could have gone the wrong way about it. Sent a confrontational text which could have been because of all the ‘stuff’ that was going on in my head..text was ignored.okay maybe I could have handled the situation differently but I didn’t know better. I hear all this but if a person that normally talks to you everyday is suddenly okay with not talking to you for 2 weeks what are you supposed to think?what are they doing?Have no idea how to fix this

    • Alicia says:

      If I were in your shoes I would send a smiley face and a very brief apology, not for what you said but how you said it. Something like, “I’m sure that was a very unpleasant text for you to receive. Hope this is a little more friendly” Then don’t contact again.

      I never try to express anything important by text. Guys can’t stand “dump”. Confrontation has got to be short and respectful, even if strong.

      If he doesn’t contact you again, date others – Don’t pursue. He’ll know you still care. He may then contact you quite some time later. Start dating him again then if you want. Never pursue any man. It cuts off their balls.

  • Holly says:

    This was a great read, it was informative but saying that, I think every article written in here has value.

    I can gladly say that I’m free, I’ve been freeded from my inhibition thanks to help I’m currently recieving .

    Now I realize that it’s men that it’s men that need to impress me.

    I’ve grown fedup with being passive and accompdating to everyone eles needs above my own.

    I noticed that as soon as I adopted this way of thinking that people subconsciously pick up on it straight away.

    From now on I shall no longer worry or concern myself with the way men think.

    The only thing I need to do is spent time validating my worth and looking out for number one.

    I

    • Holly says:

      Receive help every Monday, on Tuesday I felt freeded of my inhibition and noticed that I was laugthing more with my daughter, like my inner child came out after been locked away for so long.

      Today is Wednesday and something has clicked in my mind were I feel that I’ve had a change of mind and a more authentic version of myself is been brought to the service.

      Now I’ve read this article and I feel that I can be completely relaxed around men. Also I’ve subconsciously raised my standards and I’m sensing that within.

      How I imagine the inner workings of my mind is that their are different slides, just like I’m a projector. If I want then I can choose the slide that get’s projected.
      It’s like a mental illusion that I’ve learnt within my mind and with that I have the power to to be and an authentic feminine women that succeds with men 🙂

  • Christina, London says:

    Sorry for taking up so much space, but I also wanted to say that for a long time I compared my relationship with others where they spend every waking minute together/began living together really quickly etc. I used to think that my man’s need for space indicated some lack of interest for me, but after a while I realised that those other relationships all had something in common; a man who is not secure in himself and wants a woman around 24/7 in order to get constant validation and ego-massage. These are not real men, they are narcissists, always talking about themselves, always opinionated, always right. And the women in these relationships always end up being treated like c**p. This site has been such an eye-opener for me, thank you Rene.

  • Christina, London says:

    I don’t think this is about studying to “accommodate” men, but studying to understand why we as women so often perceive a ‘problem’ when there isn’t one – at the end of the day, it is mainly ourselves that suffer and torture ourselves with feelings of hurt, rejection, abandonment when a guy is simply getting on with enjoying his work/hobbies/social life/alone time. Actively developing my own career, hobbies, social life and independence helped me to understand and respect the need and benefits of giving and having space. I think many women go through the motions of this but deep down they only really feel happy when they’re spending time with their man, because it’s what gives them the most validation, security, self-esteem etc.

    I struggle with this myself and I’m almost jealous of my bf’s ability to get deep satisfaction from so many areas of his life. I have an interesting job, plenty of friends, hobbies etc. – I enjoy it all, but nothing lights up my world more than an affectionate email or dinner invite from him. And nothing pushes me into the depths of despair faster than a couple of days of barely hearing from him. He would change his behaviour if he knew the impact it had on me, but I don’t want him to change as I love him the way he is. I want him to feel freedom and not as though maintaining contact is a chore.

    The first time I read Renee’s advice a couple of years ago, I knew instinctively that it was right. I put it into practice immediately and for the first time in years I’m in a loving relationship that didn’t violently self-destruct within a few months. It is much easier for women to try and empathise with men than the other way around. Men are not the ones getting upset by this lack of understanding, WE are. I think it is more empowering to take responsibility for this fact, and try to help oneself through learning and understanding. I often still struggle to feel happy during the where I ‘give’ my bf freedom when I would secretly rather be clinging on like a desperate limpet, but I accept that this is an emotional problem of mine and not his. My relationship is the better for it. I often revisit this site to remind me of this and make me feel happier about the situation. I wish in time it would come naturally to me.

  • HappyGal says:

    Renee,
    My relationship has been so much better since I have been reading and following your blog! I was doing it all wrong. Chasing! Smothering! Questioning him! Then he started pulling away and I had no clue why till I stumbled on your website. Now? I am on cruise control. I am calm, he doesn’t just get space, he gets the universe. Now he is the one chasing, checking in on me. Also now I am doing things that I want to do. I don’t spend all my time worrying about the relationship and what he is and not doing.
    I’m happy 🙂

    • Renee Wade says:

      Congratulations yet again 🙂 and thanks very much for sharing a little bit of your progress here!

      • Linda says:

        Renee,

        I absolutely love this article. In response to Happy Gal’s comment ” he doesn’t just get space, he gets the universe.” Well, I give this kind of space to a possible love interest and it seems that our communication just has a huge gap in it. Having wondered often if I should just move on and go with the decision that he’s just a poor communicator, I get back into the conversation when he contacts me. Any ideas/advice?

        PS We do live a couple hours apart and…the sexual attraction is VERY high, but we have not yet been intimate. This back and forth, on and off relationship has been going on a few years now (when both of us are free to play and not in other relationships).

  • Tee says:

    These articles are SO wonderful and informative I developing such a deeper understanding of men and have been getting great unconscious feedback from them.

  • J Lefaver says:

    Oh how these blogs hurt but only because they are so true. I only hope they become who I truly am and stick with me because it’s truly the woman I desire to be.

  • creation says:

    Hi R.

    I’m soo happy I actually found this,Its so interestiing to Read. Well I’m 21 turning 22 soon I’m tired of moving from this man to the other.

    I found out about you from my currunt boyfriend He fowarded me the article DIffarence between relationship and friendship.
    Hahaha its funny because he actually did it because I’m not intimate with him yet “we never did the dance” and its been 6months now. I want him for keeps and I think making him wait I’ll achive that am I right o wrong? He told me he iz involved with someone else but I know he loves me more am I fooling myself ? I’m really confused when it comes to Him.

    • Neferyuya says:

      Program purchaser here….

      You sound bright and chipper and full of life and choice just like I was at 21.

      I want you to stay happy so bad….like looking at myself.

      If I would have wanted someone to tell me something back then it would have been;

      +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ “Investing in Renee’s Understanding Men program.”+++++++++

      ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
      It will clear up a lot of confusion. I was not reading signals of a man when I was 21 I was going off my feelings which were wrong because they were fear based and from my own perspective not a man’s at all – other men around me lied to me about it all because they wanted me, so if I asked them anything there was a personal twist on the advise that favored them.

      I could have shared my life with exactly who I want but he scared me so bad because of my own fear of myself. I was so upbeat I refused awareness of my own fear. Lessor men knew how to play me and played on my innocence and sense of fun and fear and really protested at “where I was going” when I would go seeking out the right man to see if I could get to know him better. They put themselves in my path and the lessor men still do but they are not holding power now – Renee helps me a lot. No more do the lessor men get my attention by years of pattern, even in just regular situations like on break at work. I am looking at and getting attention from the better men and notice the old lessor types are becoming too shy as if they know I listen to Renee [forgot to tell Renee that].

      I am working through some severely painful love – it could have been different.

      Invest in Renee now and you have invested in healthy joy and true love at you feet.

  • Neferyuya says:

    Hi Renee,

    In this article where you are talking about the kind of men a woman attracts – well, I have been discussing with a few female friends about this subject because I do some thing that helps those with addictions and things like that, I always do some thing that helps people in some fashion and they really like me to do some thing I am not known for any more that they know I do. I noticed that females I know are not thinking of what they themselves [and I myself] do for money or after work activity being part of the attraction – what I mean is – I attract people who need to know what I do. Let’s say they need my work like I need your work. By discussing this with my friends I do notice the focus is still on “what I am doing to attract who I attract” not “what’s he thinking about all these things he’s doing, him, him, him”.

    Since reading your work I’ve done some thing I never did before – I have altered the women I speak to about private matters. Some women will have an effect on me that makes me move to fast with a man – bad. Other friends have an effect on me that keeps me thinking in a healthy manner and move along in life with heart and not the fear of losing.

    It’ll take a while for a man to break down and confess all of why he is speaking with me – it really can take them up to one full year to confess that they’ve got the addiction, they’ve got a need.
    Or they want me to do what I used to do because they desire that a lot and want to do that for a business.

    They also have a primal need for love and want to wrap all that up in me just like Cleopatra
    rolled up in a red carpet except there is no guard to roll me out and there is no Mark Anthony on the other end when I get out – just all trapped and one day down the road I realize – they wanted a mother and a lover daughter sister and girlfriend all in one but they wanted some thing above that…………sex…………….haha……….of course but that is not the other thing that I was getting at ………….they want to feel healed by their relationship even business-wise.

    It is obvious to me lately because you help me direct my mind to look beyond the confusing prattle of of girls and guys who want to bring me down by filling up my mind – maybe they don’t realize they do that.

    Maybe deep down those ill friends realize to that a relationship of any kind is a sanctuary of sorts and it’s such a big deal they want to help but their ways are ill and they learned from bad teacher – so I’ll just do light on them and avoid their advice.

    A female is like a safety net. The one who a real man can go to for her to mend his wounds after a battle and actually mend the wounds not sit around after the battle and listen to her bitch about her work day.

    But like I said, a man might want me to do what I do for some of my work for them and add that to the whole relationship as well and it might have been their second thought after they’ve seen me for the first time, start following me around, then they see where I go and why I am there and want that as much as sex.

    I have to screen everyone carefully to make sure that I am not once again ending up with a patient instead of a man to take care of me.

    They never are thinking of what I think they are thinking so thank you for clearing my mind of all that BS sparked by only certain girls and not the best of my friends.

    I stick to the discussions I have with the most raw and open heart females now instead of gravitating towards the wounded and confused ones just because I feel a kin to some of that wounded confused state of mind. Their wounded confused state of mind can can make my wounds rip open and my confusion which might have been healing will grow with their confusion added to it and can lead an other wise high value woman right along with her mounting emotional stress right into the arms of the wrong man by not leaving room to think about all the things that you are saying in this article.

    That is what put me with the wrong men – and that might be a very complicated and subtle thing for some to see who are distracted away from what I am saying here – but it is critical.

    It is not just toxic men in your bed or life – or just the wrong man in your life because of wrong thinking – it is about toxic people in your business and anywhere you give attention that have to be avoided for the sake of clarity.

    Also, not realizing the way men really think will not help a woman get the best fit of a man into her life.

    Ahhhh – I hope that made sense because I just woke up – I am not proofing it, so sorry for any
    thing that is unclear.

    after I get ready this morning……. I am off to help others with my work –
    thank you for helping me by way of your work Renee.

    xox

    Neferyuya

  • John says:

    So when are they putting you on the curriculum Renee?

    So true.

  • Neferyuya says:

    Renee,

    You are fixing my world –
    not because he’s acting different. It’s because I am
    pausing to think of who I am talking to and why I want him in my life just because I like reading your articles to start my every day. That’s opening up who he already is. I feel like myself 100 % these days, and especially when I am alone again now with not a soul around, thinking of the last time he and I talked today. No thoughts of I should not have said this or that – I feel satisfied and unexpectedly pleased. I was not “career woman” – I was focused on the here and now and exactly what he was saying, no back chatter in the brain about work. At first when he and I met and for a long time, he was reserved, yet interested, when around he was more closed off, yet still there. Now, he feels like a part of my life and he is. We are learning a lot about each other. But, this is old fashioned stuff. Not like all I can think of is the “first time in bed” or some thing – sex should be beautiful and I know to build some thing beautiful it has to take real connection and attraction to be built up solid before I’m going to feel the best of love. Not that I haven’t had things different in my love life – it is just that he is that special to me that I will go to this extent to bring myself out of myself, because to see the little kid come out of him a bit is sweet. I don’t think men show that side of themselves – the vulnerable part – if they are not comfortable to some degree with a woman.

    I go slowly and with awareness. Excitement is as blinding as sadness. So, I am careful there.

    XOX

    Neferyuya

  • Neferyuya says:

    Renee,

    Something that I did change up after reading your work including this article, is that I stopped worrying about some of my off the cuff comments so much.

    I have a habit of allowing some off the cuff comment of mine be the last words I say and it is just some habit I picked up when nervous that I easily do not do when I am relaxed and remember to just not do that rather than worry about it causing me to think about it thus get nervous and maybe text too much, do it again just a bad little pattern that I had happen one time long ago lol. I don’t do it at work. I just do it around certain men I want. Just some blunt remark sometimes. If I do make some off the cuff comment to the man I care about – I let it go a few days and then the next time we speak I move forward to just being myself with what ever is going on at the moment. I give thought- not worry -towards not making any comments that are off the cuff for sure. I show some love for life that is natural. Like today. I like it when a good word with some one you want does fill you up in the right way. Satisfaction, nothing left undone – that feels beautiful and it was simple. I had been wondering if some thing I said was taken well ha ha!

    I did not mention it or anything I was just present in the moment.

    Off the cuff remarks and sarcasm leads one to think “unpredictable” all those nerves from me are sparked by being out in society, work and just feeling all hurried in the city to me in my philosophy… and I am loyal, I am a good woman for a good man. I don’t need to keep a habit based on nerves [ie; fear] for no good reason. It’s mis-leading and could cost me every thing I want currently.

    They say talk is cheap – but maybe that is not so when it can cost us so much.

    I don’t want the man I want in my life currently to see mistakes in signs like that.

    Every thing I have been saying in my head and typing here like I want him for love and so forth… .it’s starting to show when he’s around. It just comes over me and I soften to that for him and go back to work for work. There is a major difference in my happiness level. I’m just seeing what there is already to be happy about with it all right here and now because these are the good ole days. No rush.

  • Nobukhosi says:

    Thanks Reene, now I’ve got all the answers. Im stress free, I feel more beautiful than ever.You’ve brought back my self confidence

  • LK says:

    Hi Renee,

    I’m a man and I really appreciated this article. I appreciate all your pieces actually. I’ve recently ended a relationship with a woman I loved. I felt awful about it, thinking that there was something wrong with me, even starting to believe that perhaps I’m not made for relationships. But your articles have helped me realize that it wasn’t my fault. I’m not blaming her necessarily, but I now understand myself a lot better knowing why I hadn’t found a reason to continue to commit to the relationship. I think you should write for men as well. It will help us and keep us from the destructive cycle of getting into relationships and breaking up, never knowing what the problem is. Keep it up.

    LK

    • bsmbahamas says:

      Indeed, we guys would really appreciate learning fromt he female perspective, and of course you know we need specific instructions, anything vauge or hinting will fly right past us, lol.

      besides you know a lot about how women think and quite a lot of how men think.

      i’d particularly like a 365 day plan of things to do with, for or to my wife, along with an expalnation of why i should actually do that thing – this should be an easy one for you to put together in a pdf or as a blog series.

      • sarah says:

        Bahamas,
        I would like to make a suggestion for 365 day plan of what you can do for your wife. This is based on the law of attraction.
        Get a notebook, and call it a book of positive aspects, start to write in it every day, write lists of the positive aspects of your wife, even if they are small things. Continue to write and all the things that you appreciate. Do this until you have created strong feelings of appreciation for yourself. Do this every day. Don’t show this to your wife. After 30 days….watch to see what happens,

  • Sabine says:

    Hi Renee,
    thanks for this article. Men are strange creatures and difficult to understand….

  • Idealistic says:

    WOW Renee, thank you so much, please read my history…everything you said makes so much sense. Im right now in a bad moment trying to look for solutions because my boyfriend and i are doing awful, im very emotional and he, during his whole life had problems with expresing his feelings, we met through the internet and at that time i wasnt attracted to him, he was immature, drinking everyday and in the navy, but he was always draw to me and as he told me at the beginning he found me very interesting when we talked. He opened up to me and that made him feel like he could trust someone. I told him he wasnt my type but he tried his best to become the man that i might have wanted, he out himself together, he stop drinking, he wanted to talk to me all the time and you are right, he being that into me when we didnt even met in person wasnt that attractive to me, i went in just to try it out because eventually i did talk to him daily and we stop going out just to stay in and talk. He came to visit me to my country six months later as he had to go to the middle east, i was unsure since the beginning and part of that were my insecurities, i ‘tested him’ i was conflicitve, annoying just so he gave up but he never did, i regret being sometimes mean, specially to what he trusted me. He said he loved me and he would never give up that eventually he wanted to marry me etc. We met and the first day was great but very passionate, maybe too soon, Btw, i lost my virginity with him and inthought he was the one. We were connected at soul. Like when you feel alone and oh surprise, they just call you etc. I felt very lucky and so did he. After three weeks and few little argues in person in contrast to the great moments, he had to go back to USA and out his life together after the middle east experience. Maning moving to a new place cause he easnt gonna live with roommates anymore, paying bills, etc. He was bussier, he was there for me but not as the beginning not as that infatuated, as an inexpert girl i thoguht maybe he didnt love me anymore and went paranoic aking him why he pull off, went more independant etc. I later read men soetimes need to go back to their ownselves after being intimate with woman. I wanted to break up so manu times, and said so so many times and he was hurted and he sometimes got depressed because he said he want making me happy, as you explained on your article! Giving up would have meant not seeing each other again and i was going to travel to his country to do an xchange work program of three months, i came one week earlier, i paid for everything but he helped me paying my plain ticket. I came earlier, spent time with him but i would argue for silly stuff such as he coming back from work and wanting to stay home and watch tv and me wanting him to take me out. Anyways, i also met his parents and then i came to the resrot im still working kn until middle of march of this year. During that year of our relationship he had never felt like talking to anyone else, plus he never talks to anyone on facebook as he doesnt even go on fb as much and i had his password. I saw then, the following week that he had talk apparently harmless with a friend from highschool but changed his password, of course, i felt this was a bad sign, i felt like he cares less, i told him to leave and was breaking u with him, to leave my place, the resort where i work in(he droves three hours everytime he has to come to see me ) he was almost crying saying not please, its just a friend i did nothing wrong. In order to let go of tha i told him to deleted her from fb, i know, i realized i started to sound and become controller, but according to me it was because of how i felt like he treated me at the beginning, never talking to anyone etc. We had few argues, i cried, tried to tall to him ad you said, the way we solve things with girlfriends, ask him if he stop loving me, he said, no i love you im the same etc but i was still trying to ask him was wrong because obviously i realized he had stopped missing me as much as i started to do it. Like i would like to come back from work snd text him, talk to him all night, but he would just report himself , what he was doing and then before sleeping calling for less than five minutes before going to sleep. I told him we should work on doing the same nice things, being thoughtful etc and he said, having each other should be enought. Last friday i said to him that i was gonna let him go and he didnt fighting for the first time, he said, ok, if ure not happy. I want you to be happy etc, im sorry u feel that way and u took that option. I felt like our relationship wasnt going anywhere anymore, plus i have three more years to finish my career back at my country and he has been feeling very pressured to do good at his job and now to go back to finish his college career that he handt finish and his dad started to encouraging him againg ever since he introduced me t his parents. I now, by reading your mail feel like maybe he feels too much pressure, he said he is tired of feeeling judge, observed and talking about emotions and thats why, before me, his last girlfriend was in 10 grade. I was his most special relatinship, he said he has never said he loved someone and it was still hard to say that to his mother, at least he became a better man and stoped drinking as he did when he wasnt happy with his life. I dont know what to do now, i havent seen him in three weeks and valentines day is so close that i feel sad. He said i want you to be happy, i love you i will alays care about you and i dont know if our relationship is still able to being rescue or if i should jus let go, g back to my country and let time decide whether if we had to see each other or not again. Thank you Renee for being a great help on this matter, i find your articles very wise and helpful. And right now im heartbroken because i feel like we had such special relationship and he being closed to his feelings and me…being so volatil have hurted what we had. I want to make him happy. I would love any advice Renee.

  • Neferyuya says:

    Renee,

    Joy…not what you might think but still ….joy…..

    You know what really helped me past one 20 year relationship [started when I was just a teenager] where I could do anything I wanted with masculine or feminine energy? The same thing that helped me after my last 6 year relationship I broke off about 6 months ago where every thing was rigid and work, work, work – that is the kind of guys they were – I let the men be king of the castle and that is what I had – work. Love died in those relationships for me. They loved my work and a warm body to boss around. I’m good looking and dress well. But I made those relationships happen in my case.

    What helped me since I first read you?

    First; I realized – I asked for both those relationships – I was career oriented though feminine.
    I have talents that I wanted to share and men as well as women do what I do. But, I notice the women end up being one of the guys no matter who they are – every time – if they are unaware.

    Secondly, I asked myself a question – I asked myself to really feel the feeling – not think thoughts – just feel it when I asked myself “what do I want this new man in my life for?” he is in my life and I don’t want to mess it up and end up in the past – so “what’s my reason” obviously it is for love. I want to give him intimacy. I want to add to his life. I want to share love. Love that is already mine inside that wants to gravitate towards him.

    People I know like mentioning his name because they say I blush and smile and they like seeing me do that over him because they’ve never seen me do that before.

    I’ve focused on him being my private life which takes me away from work – I carry the ways with me to work so I just stay in that frame. I don’t mention him much any more at work because
    he’s in my private life. Others are resorting to mentioning him to see my response of blushing though. LOL

    I just spoke to him too – I spoke to him 6 or 7 times this last half of the week – he’s busy today but was able to make some time for me.
    It was short and sweet. I am glad too.

    The worst thing to happen for me with a man is when I feel I’ve said some thing wrong
    -when I feel I’ve spoken as many words as I would with women – when I feel I’ve spoken as if I am speaking to a woman.

    I want him for the love that is built through attraction and connection. These are building in small steps. I can say just a little to him and I see and hear him opening up to the real me. He’s not talking to my work stress or any facade we can knowingly or unknowingly put on. I respond directly to what he says and forget work – I save work talk for co-workers on breaks at work only.
    I was soaked and freezing cold all day at work from the yucky weather too, the office had the air on – that made me uncomfortable – I got home, I changed and did not mention getting soaked at all when he asked me how I was “I just said, I am happy to be here” at home not at work. That was truth!

    I let my heart fill with my desire for him and allowed that to be my foundation to speak from and just to say a few little things that brighten the interaction and yes – It is clear….

    that’s what a guy wants – that safety to melt right into that women can offer.

    I could tell he loosened up lately and seemed to show more of himself even the things he might not be so proud of. Not bad things – but, everyone has some thing they’d rather not say.

    You are witnessing some thing beautiful unfold – me!

    I love you Renee and I know you love us otherwise you would not do this!!!!!!

    XOX

    just in case I am not here on February 14 – Happy Valentine’s Day!!!!

    I plan nothing truly, there are no disappointments this year in light of the break up in my recent past – I expect to be single. I refuse to approach the day with pain because my heart beats with love already – what’s one day? I know guys in the dog house with their women who are planning big things for those women only because they are in the dog house and don’t want to sleep in the car….I prefer just getting some words from the man I love. Not meaning to compare really.
    We are not a couple, so words are fine.

    I don’t need whirlwind/fizzle out relationships. I have a job and don’t need a work relationship in my private life.

    I’ll take this man just as he is, where he is at right at this time and know that I am happy
    right here, right now.

    I am saving up to make a purchase from you Renee – I budget everything. You’re valuable.

    XOX

    Neferyuya

  • Cleo says:

    Hi Renee! First of all I want to say that, as a very feminine woman, I love your posts. Today, I’d like some insight, if that’s possible.

    A little back story:

    I am an extremely feminine woman. I’m pretty, an hourglass, girly, I dress similar to Joan from Mad Men (but more modern) I have lovely hair and a soft voice and I’m told (by many men and women) that I am very delicate and elegant. I receive a lot of male attention, and I get asked out. A lot. I have great intuition, I can pretty much always tell when a guy is interested and what he wants. So here is my problem.

    There is a guy I know who I am extremely attracted to (it doesn’t happen very often). At first, I thought he was attracted to me too. I caught him staring at work sometimes. He would come over to talk. We spent about a week staying up to chat online until 3am. He kept asking when I was coming back to work (I was sick at the time). When I came back to work, he wanted to organize breaks at the same time so that we could talk in person. It all sounds as if he’s very interested. I may not be the man whisperer, but men are fairly straight forward in my understanding of them. He wouldn’t bother if he wasn’t interested, is how my logic goes.

    But he hasn’t asked me out. He hasn’t expressed any interest at all (and I’ve thrown many opportunities his way) in seeing me outside of work.

    It seems like his interest in talking to me has coolled, also. He still texts me sometimes, and sometimes will say hello online. But overall, I get the feeling his interest has waned. Now I don’t know whether this is true, or whether it is my perception of the situation based on my own despair.

    I feel very hurt, and if it wasn’t for the fact that I know he’s a genuinely nice guy, I’d feel played too. I have no idea what to think.

    I am a very straight forward woman, which is something that I’ve found most men seem to appreciate. I don’t play games, and I say what I think. So my question is this:

    Is it ever okay to simply ASK a guy whether or not he’s interested?

    My mother, and my best gay guy friend have told me not to. They’ve said it would be too pressuring and if he is still making up his mind it will ruin any chance I have with him. But I am a very emotional person, and I find it difficult to cope with everyday life when I am experiencing extremes of emotion as I am now. Equal parts hope and despair. At the very least, if he isn’t interested, I’d like to know so I can move on.

    What do you think? Would it be okay to ask? How should I go about doing it?

    • Neferyuya says:

      As a patron of this site I want to tell you that I love this guy I know but am in a transition from break up from 6 months ago – emotional transition – you know? I need to heal from this toxic guy.

      I am very feminine, I attract too many, but know I have turned them off with my ambitious nature when younger.

      Anyway, this guy I love – he has a child who is not a teen, the mother died.
      So, he checks out his potential mates for a long time. I know his history.

      I respect a man who cares what he exposes his child to in women.

      Well, career takes him away – I wanted to feel emotional about all that but didn’t because I’ve done the same job in the past.

      I hung in and did not ask any thing or even email him – not at all.

      Just last week he emailed me and asked me if I liked him – I said yes.

      He asked me ‘to be around more often’ –

      rather than say “you’ve been gone” I did not say that to him – I said it to another in the past.

      I just stated to the guy I love that ‘I will be around’ and we have been talking steady – I waited longer than was comfortable but I wanted to hear it all from him, not force the hand

      ….I got to hear it from him without asking a thing

      I can not tell you how happy that makes me – there are no words!!!!!!

      Hang in there – don’t ask for what you want him to say on his own.

      The difference is the difference between pain and pleasure.

      • Neferyuya says:

        P.S. – oddly we already say “I love you” to one another….never had sex. Too early.

        But for him to ask if I liked him – that was special – It was a signal to me more than him actually wanting to know that. If he wanted to know if I liked him and love him – well that’s ok – I do.

        Confirmed.

    • John says:

      As a man, definitely ask him out.

      It sounds like he was/is more than interested. I know you’ve said you’ve given him plenty of opportunities but it’s still possible they have been to subtle. Men sometimes things stated in a totally clear way with no ambiguity. This doesn’t have to be all verbal but it has to be a clear sign.

      With the added difficulty of you both working together he may not have wanted to make the move unless he was 100% sure. Depending on your location that sort of thing can end up with a guy facing a sexual harassment charge if it’s misjudged.

      • Neferyuya says:

        Hello,

        thank you for your thoughts.

        We actually aren’t working at a job that is under a company umbrella,
        thank God.

        I agree with you that he wants to be sure that I do not reject him as a pervert – for real.

        With this guy it would be better to let him keep going slow, feel he had some control,
        because he is building up to some thing that I see unfold daily and I don’t think people have really given him a chance to really feel like a man in the regular situations of life – he is able to be a man and take care of the rough unpleasant things of life. But that gets to be a drag – just on and on with serious things. Nothing soft and sweet around.

        Yet, he’s not a jerk about it.

        I like watching him unfold around me too much to take that one power… or any power away from him….if I do I’ll be in another relationship where I start off wearing the pants I’m afraid….at least I will mess my mind around to feel that I lost that some thing special – him doing the thing I want him to of his own desires with out me asking. It is a turn on to watch him build up on his own like no other guy I have ever had in my life because of some thing feminine I did that impressed him – It’s kind of like; I don’t want to appear to be like a woman buying her own wedding ring and wearing it without the man having anything to do with it – she just starts wearing it one day and the guy doesn’t appear to care so much as gauge where things are headed -what kind of relationship it will be – because she skipped all the pursuit and sexual tension he could enjoy in getting to act like a man with the most intimate thing there is ….you know?

        It’s easy to be a man in a military uniform, or with other predominantly masculine activities – but relationships have been neglected in the world of education and a world that has seen the break down of the family. I’m enjoying his employing his skills for now because he is doing what I want him to do – he’s being a man – some one is finally making me feel like a woman instead of their mom. A man these days will take either one if given the choice I find. Being their “mom” does not last well – it might last long, but not last well.

        lol

        I hope your day goes well.

  • A says:

    Hi,

    I know I’m engaged and my friend is married. I noticed my friend didn’t acknowledge my birthday this year. I actually feel hurt by this. Should I ignore it or tell him how I feel? This is so unlike him to behave this way.

  • A says:

    Hi,

    I know I’m engaged and my friend is married. I noticed my friend didn’t acknowledge my birthday this year. I actually feel hurt by this. Should I ignore it or tell him how I feel?

  • Neferyuya says:

    D***,

    Ladies – just wanted to say there is no way all of us are not hotter looking than our avatars.

    Of course looks are not the end all be all – but, it’s worth a smile.

  • Neferyuya says:

    I want to know the answer to Anon’s question too. Good question Anon.

    Renee – I realize I never discuss my fears – part of this masculine front we women now have to live with in the business world of our lives much of the time….when I expose my fears though, they seem to lighten or go away and I get an answer instead of more fear – which I am feeling rise in me, so I continue to type this disjointed, poorly written post because that means it is real to me…my fear even wants me to back space the whole thing and forget it – but no,

    I know what I like in detail lately – I like straight forward men – when I was a teenager, I did not think of that at all. That is when the most available untarnished guys where around in my life. A lot of women’s lives I suppose;
    Too bad I didn’t gauge by how straight forward they were. I just let them pick me as their girl.
    What a mistake. Anyway…to the fear…

    I am going out on a limb here to reveal the truth of how my ex is starting to make me feel.
    I am a very feminine woman, filled with romantic love, altruism, I love to see people having great times – I like to lead by following just to see others enjoying themselves, events warm my heart, like catering weddings and arranging art projects

    I start babbling like a nut when I say things that make me uncomfortable – so, here I babble, please bare with my explanations – I do that when in fear of revealing too much;

    … I fear this makes me look like a bitch or some thing but I won’t hide it from you Renee – if I hid my feelings here from you – I will never know…so, here’s some thing happening at the same time I am interested in a genuine man who is not around right now to see this crap – he’s not in town – he would not be around at all if he saw these things I fear and the way it makes me feel….that would make him leave – because I feel so cold by what I am going to say…

    I am having a mixed signal situation with an ex-boyfriend just cropping up now.
    Maybe it is not that similar to Anon’s situation – but it kind of is as it is about men throwing mixed signals – which was always this ex’s case from the beginning. He said at least 6 times in the past that he wanted to marry me and then said that he didn’t mean it during the relationship – yet bought me a ring and said I could wear it regardless, kind of like avoiding a real marriage. Then after we broke up [I left him, because of mixed signals] he called me crying and told me that he should have married me when we were still together. I’m sorry to say that his sentiments don’t even make me want to stop chewing gum during these phone calls and I am so sensitive normally to the feelings of others – I am an empath – get any kind of vibrations around me – I feel them and have learned to access rather than absorb – unless it’s about my own love. But he stops me up emotionally any more. I just can’t take him seriously or start feeling anything around him for. I feel dis-respected to the point that I have to remind myself that he is a person I loved dearly for years before I got saturated with the mixed signals. This stuff is dangerous – I don’t want these experiences to ruin me.

    Since we broke up when ever he sees me, every time:
    He says he’s just kidding after he comes closer to try to get a kiss and gives a friend hug – then locks me in his arms to press his whole body against me as I try to push him away – seriously. I look like a baby trying to avoid a spoon full of peas while he tries to capture a kiss from me that I nearly get whiplash trying to avoid. Luckily he gets the side of my face and never the lips. He’s a bad aim and not as fast as me. There are certain body parts on a man that don’t lie. I know sex does not mean a man loves. After he makes grabs for me and I ask him not to do that, he acts just like some one when they say “I’m just joking” body language and everything, I figure he may do that out of being rejected and it’s a defense mechanism against rejection. I say he’s the master of lies. I tell him he’s sending mixed signals. I want straight forward. I told him if I gave in he’d take the sex and I know that is true.

    His eyes always light up for a minute – then I raise an eyebrow and he puts himself in check and back pedals.

    …tossing mixed signals…the eyes say yes, yes, yes, but the lips say no.

    What’s up with this Renee?

    Incidentally – my ex and the man I am most interested in have a history of fighting in their youth.
    A lot of fights for both of them. Not in their adulthood that I am aware of – however, I don’t want them near each other. I have told my ex that he can’t be around me if I am seeing someone [just in case things move along for me and the newer man I am interested in].

    All I see if some thing like that happens is that my ex will get his a** kicked and the new man might think I am too much trouble to be with as there is really no need to fight for a woman in a sea of women in the modern world, unless he’s heavily invested in the said woman already, with kids or some thing. Even then I know of men who’ve left their women and children.

    This might seem like a weird mish mash of crap out of me, but honestly these are two pressing realities that I can’t talk to my friends about – they’d just love this gossip – it is kind of funny to them.I even see my description as kind of funny if it was not true and standing in place of my happiness with a man. My friends are not bad girls, some are lonely, some are married so it entertains them too much. So, I keep a lot to myself. My best friend lives 3000 miles from me and just went through a tragedy, so I am not bothering her with me, I am being there more for her right now.

    The fear in a nutshell;
    Do I answer my own question on the last half of my pycho blog when I say I see high self esteem man meeting low self esteem man by chance and they turn into a tornado and I see the one with high self esteem never coming back because he sees who I used to be with?

    This post looks just like my avatar LOL I always find a way to laugh at weirdness like this in my life but I don’t want to take it too lightly. The fear must go! It’s just too stupid to keep around.

    Incidentally the man I am interested in is the same one who asked me if I was in love.

    Bleah – I feel ill. I don’t want to post this – so I am going to be counter-intuitive for once about this kind of thing and submit the comment :*(

    • Neferyuya says:

      P.S. my ex comes from a family of women who admittedly have serious issues with intimacy.

      • Neferyuya says:

        None of this is my normal thinking – I’ve had too long of a day filled with massive work stress.

        Like ten hours of work Hell. It sort of pushed my mind in the wrong places today which is odd for me. But it happens.

        • Neferyuya says:

          Maybe if I would have done my normal calming after work practices today I would not
          sound like a needy mess – it’s funny how all this masculinity we women have to project in the work place makes me feel like some little girl at the end of the day at times- everything I said goes against my togetherness that I hold dear as well as my natural ability to self heal thought processes. But work is my enemy with love at this moment – so I shame myself for a good reason – work being my enemy must go – because work is good, fear must go – it’s primal and can function for good causes, but not this one.

    • Sara says:

      LOL! Nefuraya! You are hilarious and you were a total mess when writing this. I bet you feel better by now.
      I love that you recognize that as you wrote this you were not your true centered self. I’ve discovered with a lot of Renee’s help that a lot about having wonderful relationships is about being “solid and serene”.

      You want a straightforward man but you yourself are confused. I have to say what you have described is a man who does not really respect you or take you seriously. Probably because you do not feel as much respect for yourself as you should. You wish you were rock solid and confident and not as lost as you sound.

      You say you know what you want right now, but you seem so unsure and confused from what you have written. I understand you. I have felt that way so often and I still do once in a while.

      I’m going to give you some advice but I know that you already know this.

      1. Take time to take care of yourself. Take an hour to meditate or pray or calm yourself. Take an hour where you put all your concerns aside and just take care of your mental, emotional and physical self. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. You are in no condition to be loving anyone. All you will do is suck their energy from them.

      2. Get another girlfriend and talk over these issues. Bisect every issue and go over them over and over. Talk about it till you are blue in the face with your girlfriend. Or get a diary and pour out your feelings in it. No man can supply this need in the way you need it supplied. Accept that and you will be closer to happiness.

      3. Replace your fear with confidences. You might not realize it but you are afraid. If you had 1000 awesome guys waiting outside your doorstep, would you really allow yourself to go round in circles with the guy who gives you a ring but makes no commitment? You know, at least that guy knows what he wants and is not lying to you.
      Tell yourself everything you need to hear. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are extremely valuable and would be valuable to any man who had you. Is he treating you like you are valuable? Are you acting like you are valuable? Do you believe that you are valuable not just to him but even to yourself?

      4. Finally, know this. You are valuable! You are extremely valuable. And if High Esteem guy is truly High Esteem, he would not fight with the other guy because if he did, then why would you want such a man? Also High Esteem man would not lose interest in you because some other guy was interested in you!! If anything, he might be more curious about you. The problem is that you are confused about your stand and what you want. And when you are confused, he’ll sense it. And that will reflect low value. And that’s a more likely reason for him to feel un-attracted to you than the fact that you have a crazy ex. If a man is already interested in you, the less you do, the more likely he is to remain interested. So do not worry about losing his interest. That should be your last worry. I know you might not really believe this and you feel that you must DO something to retain his interest. Do the counter-intuitive thing and don’t worry about what is going on in HIS head. Worry about what is going on in yours!

      LOVE,

      Sara

      • Neferyuya says:

        Good morning Sara.

        I just woke to go to work.

        Thank you for your reply.

        I hear you.

        I am not seeing either of these men on dates thank God.

        Honestly, I realize I can be with no one right now because it is only 6 months since I left my ex.

        I’ve never jumped out of the frying pan into the fire as an adult. I need healing time. Any time within a year that is planned seems ok.Not too short of a time or too long before I question my intentions as to whether or not I am burning a torch or whatever.

        I really appreciate what you say. I have plenty to keep me busy and there are a few friends who are o.k. to talk to, though my best friend is far away. Religion is also a daily practice. Not weekly, Daily.

        I feel good that I have this new man’s phone number available to me – I do not call it, it is on a receipt for business purpose and I would never call it unless he told me to – his number is still on the receipt in a far away drawer and not on a phone because he did not give the number or ask me to call him on it.

        So, I do not.

        Also, I don’t email him unless we are in running real life conversations in the face and he emails me. Though when we have time to visit – I will reach out and email him some times – I do not keep score – life’s not 50/50 but I am minimal because it is what I feel. My urge here even was to backspace the whole thing – but I could feel the bottle that was ready to cork this and I didn’t want this bottled up in me.

        That is no game – we don’t know either well enough for more than this small visiting here an there.

        At least – I have not been reaching out to him in the way of love – just some business – because I do know myself probably better than I may appear to from that embarrassing truth up there.

        I had to be a mess rather than pray it all away for once because I really want a different answer than fixing what kept re-occurring with this feeling I have lately.

        Believe it or not – though I don’t want jump into a relationship just yet, I do love myself first.
        But I really don’t want to go into self protect mode which can stem innocently out of self love – I’ve been that way long ago.

        That said I understand that you even say you know I know these things you say….

        So, at least this first conversation of the day was dead center authentic.

        Blessings to you

        Thank you for being my wake up conversation.

        Love,

        Neferyuya

        • Neferyuya says:

          P.S.

          At least getting it out did what I wanted it to – I feel like me right now and your response
          is part of that. Because I am tired of a female distant cousin LOLing me about it all. Sigh.

          Blessings for your day/night whichever it may be.

      • Neferyuya says:

        Hey Sara,

        It was a beautiful day because I came here and got all that off my mind.

        I am so glad I did that last night – working too much, too many things going on with my best female friends having cancer scares, others in divorce court. On a happy note; one in love even and I just smile and listen to her and give her hugs because I am so happy she is finally happy!!!!! A beautiful thing. At this moment all but the one in love [of course] lean on me and I let them. They are not emotional vampires about it. But as their friend I am stepping up for them. They simply, forgivably in my mind – are not good listeners right now & I do not expect them to listen to my minor thing in the face of greater things.

        Although I mentioned it to the happy one in a small way today, she just smiled and put her arm around me – That was really the perfect response.

        Also, I was deleting emails [where I was alerted of a response here] and saw your opening again about my sense of humor.

        A lot of times that sense of humor is why I do end up with a good mix of male and female friends. Both love to laugh.

        I am truly here to see what I can do about really making my life sparkle in the future in my love life. I know I am the only key to that.

        Today’s good though – thanks for being a part of that.

        I hope your day was good too.

        • Sara says:

          You are wonderful. And I think you love to write 🙂 I could tell you know where you are supposed to be. I’m happy things are better today. It’s great that you are there for your friends. Many girls are not fantastic listeners to be honest, try talking about one issue with one girlfriend. Rather than all issues to one girlfriend. That make it easier to listen and it also helps you not to connect things that are not connected.
          LOVE,
          Sara

        • Neferyuya says:

          Hi Sara,

          there’s no reply button under your comment so I only hope this goes in where it should, so you see the sequence.

          It’s not too revealing to say I’m a writer and a proof reader – I’ll say only that much :*) since this is not a career site so that’s that. I’m here to talk about love and love only. <3 <3 <3

          It's really easy to only discuss one subject at a time with my friends – we get about 15 minutes – we're so busy hahaha – truly.

          I mostly refer to my most favored spiritual female influence. She has the heart of Mother Mary. When she speaks with me I feel I am with my departed mother – I listen to her and she truly heals my heart. I told her she's my new mother, though she is younger than I. She loved that.

          I think Renee is great and I love to read her articles because her heart is wrapped around every word.

          All this seeking – it is my effort this year to fill my world with heart.

          It's working. Each week that passes I can feel more love in the air. It's been only 6 months since I left my ex. Not bad.

          And I can see what you are saying about not connecting things that are truly not – that is a dangerous world to live in. That's the land where heart attacks come from. The guy I really like and the ex – they'd probably never meet. Fear talks all by itself without our assistance and will be ever present on earth – I don't ever need to listen unless there is a real live actual blazing fire under my a** LOL

          XOX

          Neferyuya

  • Anon says:

    Awesome article. What does it mean when a man says he doesn’t want a relationship (not to you, but just in general conversation) but all his actions prove otherwise. To the point that it’s VERY hard to believe in. I know I should just believe what he says…but?? How do you deal with that?

    • Anon says:

      Just thought I’d add that this guy is constantly making contact… he’s the one doing all the work. And it’s dinners, outings etc. Not just late at night. We’ve been seeing each other for 3 months and it definitely feels like he is falling…but then he goes and mentions this?!

  • Neferyuya says:

    Gosh Renee…about the novelette I just posted – why didn’t I just say “I don’t know?” to him “Let’s find out” at least it would have been an open ended statement….I am not crying or anything – I’m just going about my morning thinking of truths. This is just glaring to me today.

  • Neferyuya says:

    You know where you say this Renee “2) What you think is ‘work’ or ‘effort put in’ in a dating situation or your relationship is actually what you thought would work in your mind at the time, but was actually pointless.’

    That put me on the path to this question to myself….

    I go over and over this conversation I had with a man about my saying I am not in love when he said I was – of course he backed down to what I said stating he was not thinking, just speaking and apologized when that is not what I had in mind – I just was afraid…fear…I was afraid of scaring him and was not authentic through that I feel…

    I thought of the conversation again this morning and the words entered my mind “but, was I honest?”

    Was I – the understander of the imaginary relationship flew in the equal opposite direction – stating that I was not in love when my whole body and expression screamed it?

    This past week, I have been focused on being authentic and what that truly means lately regardless of the fact that I say I hold that in high value all along though wondering if my toxic relationships re-trained and brain washed me away from habits I still think I keep but may unwittingly not.

    About the conversation that I had with a man that keeps playing in my mind…I am not talking about my ex – the toxic one – I am talking about a discussion with a man who I have never been with who I do love. As we all know, there are many levels of love – I know the ways in which my heart beats and understand that language yet my words – do they match when I talk to those who make my heart beat to the point that I am aware of it’s beating?

    So, that is how I start my day.

    I don’t think or feel that is bad at all – kind of like genuinely smiling after a slap in the face.

    LOL

    • Neferyuya says:

      Oops – this is important so I fix this sentence when I added something critical with out placing it correctly in my statement – oops – oops
      I said; and correct with more detail;

      Was I – the understander of the imaginary relationship – stating that I was not in love when my whole body and expression screamed it? I pulled a fast one in my mind in the heat of the moment of conversation with him and flew in the equal opposite direction in an effort not to scare him. I should not listen to those thoughts, they are from the heart of fear. It was his question and the heart of fear tries to change questions up.

      The result I did not want was to cool him off and to make him think I was in-authentic, so next time I will go ahead and let my heart pound and my upper lip bead out with perspiration and say – yes or what ever the real truth for me is. Especially now that I know doing anything else with a man in any crazy effort to “not scare him off” will result in exactly what I don’t want any way – I at least have e 50/50 chance of change in results being honest in love.

      I know I won’t drop of a heart attack – I’ll just need more deodorant and a tissue for my lip.

  • Chanel says:

    It is amazing how helpful this article is, Renee. Thank you for writing it. I’ve been reading your blog for a while, but I sometimes still slip up into old habits…this post could not have better timing.

    I recently met a new guy who is definitely the alpha man type…he is truly awesome! Your articles have helped me so much, because right now he is doing the pull back thing. Arrgh! But I need to remember, I want a man in my life, and not a hairy woman, and real men have things to do. He is a high profile attorney, so I know he gets busy and travels a lot. It is obvious that we have a spark, and a crazy connection…I am soooo in “like” with him.

    We were sooo hot for a while (not intimately hot – just talking to the wee hours, sending kissy faces, talking about our relationship goals, etc. – which he brought up!), and now he’s been cold for 5 days! . I was going crazy overthinking everything. Did I come on too strong? Should I have played it cool instead of telling him I was thinking about him? He wrote me a long email from the plane, was it corny for me to act all giddy about it? Was my joke not funny? Did I seem too happy that he decided to come see me? Should I text him goodnight? *sigh* why do we do this to ourselves, Renee?! Manly men don’t care, nor remember details like this. Women obsess.

    I am just going to go find something else fun to do, until he is done slaying dragons and can be romantic with me again.

    • Chanel says:

      I just thought I’d provide an update. 🙂 My alpha man got very busy with a case he is working on. He sent me a text a couple of days after my last post on here…I was warm, open, and not mad in my reply. I told him I was a little sad because I missed talking to him, but understood, which was the truth. He replied “we’ve got to do something about that”…which I loved! Then he got busy again for a few days, but just called and told me he is taking me to a very nice restaurant this weekend! Yay! Now I can look forward to my super hot date this weekend!

  • Trina says:

    Since roles are changing women are becoming more powerful in their careers becoming more masculine and men are becoming feminine…and actually ok with being a stay at home dad what happens now? Can you do an article on that ?

  • Pietra says:

    Thank you so much for this article and this website. You are great!

  • JD says:

    Thank you for this article!

    I actually came across your blog last night, in search of something else – heehee, “how to be more dominant yet feminine” – but I’m glad I came here instead.

    As a young woman who has experienced sexual and physical abuse as a child, who wasn’t attractive until her later years in high school and still suffers the “ugly girl complex,” who’s been told I make a “good friend” or just good enough to have sex with, but never “good enough” to date (it’s always, “I’m not ready for a relationship,” yet magically they have a girlfriend in a matter of weeks!), I resonate STRONGLY with this blog.

    For years, I’d been trying to grapple with this concept of “feminism,” and trying to do everything “without the help of a man,” until I realized that that was the “damage” talking. And I get that notion from women who think all men are dogs. I didn’t really realize this until last year, after a brief “engagement.” After I broke it off, I realized I didn’t go back to my “default” way of thinking, I.e., men are all bad.

    I’ve also discovered over the years that, for the most part, getting advice from women on men is very bad advice! It makes us insecure. Getting/reading advice from men is much simpler! I remember when I asked my now boyfriend why he thought I was a 10, and he simply said he liked what he liked. Part of me was a little disappointed – was I looking for more in-depth analysis? – but he is a man, and I can’t expect him to be “deep” all the time.

    I’ve had way more guy friends than girls, so I’ve been pretty good at giving advice on both ends, but I’ve become more “feminine” as I’ve gotten older and that tendency to overthink is strong in me. Maybe this is hardwired insecurity for us? Even my boyfriend knows I’m doing and he’s always telling me to relax. He seems so carefree!

    Sorry for rambling! I have a tendency to do that 🙂

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi JD – don’t be sorry for rambling. Rambling is great!

      That’s SO amazing that you consciously realised your own habit of going back to the default thought ‘men are all bad’!

      This tendency to “overthink” that you mention? Yes, you, me and every other woman, JD! 🙂

  • jasmin says:

    I have just finnished reading this article and i have to say it has helped me quite a bit, it is the same with me either younger men find me attractive or older men but never my own age also at my age all the boys seem to care about is SEX yeah hormones whatever but its like you cant find one decent guy around here of course unless there older, but i know my mum would not be happy about that, i know this is aimed more at adults but i supppose i have a mind like an adult and its hard t find boys my age because there heads are up in the clouds and they have no clue what girls want in a boy, I do not have much confidence.. at all well i have but most of it is fake confidence which i just put on but inside im shitting my pants sometimes it shows which i know puts boys right of.
    Im not the ugliest girl on the planet neither the hottest but i do get boys occasionally but its hard because boys are so complicated they send you mixed signals and all the boys i have met are such players its unbeleveriable. Now I am far f from a godess and i am not a magnet for boys i know its most likely to do with my energy which i need to change but i thought for a boy to like you, you stay being you and dont change yourself right? but its soooooooooooo hard i seriously need some help!!!!

  • Neferyuya says:

    Sigh… I re-read your articles quite a bit. Truly the trouble for me is that it is always men much older or much younger than me who are attracted to me. It does not matter what I wear – I stay away from low cut tops and short skirts. I just wear well fitting appropriate clothing. I am mature in my mind. I am reminded many times of my youthful appearance. The men are attracted to the things I can do and that I do have other interests. I am feminine.
    Of course society touches us all and changes us in some ways that bring out some workplace masculinity to get jobs done – but I am naturally feminine….I have been the one to initiate most every break up in my life because I do value myself highly and will not settle for a bad relationship to go to my grave with…never….saying all that – I still find great value in all you say because it is the key to me finding what I truly want in this world and the key to keeping me out of those relationships that I always end.

    Just wanted to say that to you Renee – keep bringing your greatness our way.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Thank You for your comment Neferyuya, and for sharing your experience. xox

      • Neferyuya says:

        This is about the time of day I read through things related to relationships.

        Good to “see” you.

        I’ve been learning more and more about how toxic men who I really knew at heart I should not be with because I had to practically go to court in my mind over whether I should be with them or not, really changed some key things about me that I’ve been learning to snap out of.

        The behaviors that lessor men expect from women may appear to be similar to the behaviors expected from a better man but they are not. It is interesting for me to go over the ways I am and see for myself how I act and if any of the way I act are “trained” responses hanging over from a long term not so good relationship in the department that counts most – the department that makes me a well rounded healthy woman – the love department.

        All this – everything I’ve typed – I could have thought of during the same amount of time it would take a man in the same car to take note of the bikini car wash to the left.

        The amount of time it would take for me to get mad in this formula is zero because you’ve already brought that to light and it is a great thing to point out.

        I hope you day or night which ever it may be goes well.

  • Maya says:

    It is so funny how things happen in life, i have spent the last two weeks thinking about discussing my feelings with my bf and there you go… I read this article 🙂 i know he likes me…. I am trying to be open with him about how much i like him ( i have been told in the past that i am not good with sharing feelings, and i know i tend to shut down and i am trying timchange that) and he always responds that he feels the same way about me… But i was wondering, is showing my feelings and telling him how i feel about him wont be too much for him? Is it ok for me to actually express whatever i feel for him (all good things of course)? 🙂

    Thanks in advance
    Maya

    • Sara says:

      Hey Maya… May I give you some advice? SHARE YOUR FEELINGS! BUT NOT VERBALLY! What works for me best is not to verbally share every little feeling I have for my man.
      First, when you are feeling something NEGATIVE towards your man, you may not realize it but it is WAY harsher on him than you imagine. Voicing it makes it even worse. I’m talking about the nuisances that come with being a masculine man. For example, if he was late in picking you up from home, you don’t need to rehash that verbally. Just make a cute angry face and spare him the added pain of disappointing you! Remember, be gentle with men. You are a feminine goddess! You are gentle with everyone!
      Now, more specifically to you, when you are feeling something POSITIVE towards your man, share it without words. Smile, beam at him, kiss him without explaining why unless he asks. And a rule of thumb, is the less words the better. Your man will sense how you ‘secretly’ feel about him. And you know what? It is such a lovely feeling for you as well! Try it! Don’t text him lots of feelings, wait till your are together and express yourself without words. It will make him LOVE being with you because of how you make him feel.

      You see, men don’t really trust words from women. But they trust actions. And when the actions are genuine, they make men fall in love.

      So my advice? Share your feelings without words. It is way less intense for your man and it is more believable for him. Use words when he initiates a TALK but even then, the less the better…

      LOVE,
      Sara

      • Maya says:

        Hey Sara,

        Thank you so much for your response, It was really helpful. I am really trying to change the way IM towards men, As in the past i have always felt That I’m all by myself in the relationship. In the past I have always been the type of woman who does things by herself Mostly because I never trusted anyone. At times I still don’t. But at the age of 30 I feel that I have to let my guard down And relax and become a woman that I am. But as you can tell I am still struggling with it sometimes 🙂 I have been telling him nice things, But that’s because I want him to Know the way I feel. But I will definitely take your advice on board I will try to show him my feelings Without words. The other problem I have is Over thinking things…. Its a really weird combination – I know that I am good looking and I know that I’m a nice person and I’m funny (He loves my sense of humour and says that he has never met anyone as funny as me) But for some reason I keep comparing myself to his ex-girlfriends…. It’s like my head and my feelings are two different things And I can’t get them to match up. Do you have any advice for that? And I definitely know for a fact that my expectations do not match up with how he is…. Maybe I have watched one too many romantic movies :)))

        Thanks in advance for your answer
        Maya xxx

        • Sara says:

          Hey Maya.
          I’m so glad I helped. About your question on overthinking things, there is not easy answer. But there is a simple one. You need to intentionally bring your thoughts to positivity every time they go negative. It’s not easy because it is like breaking a bad habit. But the answer is simple. The answer is to INTENTIONALLY guide your heart.
          It’s simple but it is not easy.

          Renee once wrote ” When you’ve gone ahead and given him this space, take
          out a piece of paper. Do it right now. Get out a piece of
          paper and write down every single thing you are afraid of.

          Are you afraid of not being good enough for him? Are you afraid

          he is going to go back to his ex? Are you afraid he doesn’t love
          you? Or that he’s cheating on you?

          Write down everything you fear (write each fear beneath the
          other so you have space for the next part of the exercise).

          Write down everything. And just when you think you’ve got everything,
          write down a few more things you fear. Keep writing until you’ve got
          nothing left.

          4) Now look at your list. There’s a lot of fears, aren’t there?

          Now, next to each fear you have listed – write down a new meaning
          for that fear. For example. Say you fear that he doesn’t love you
          and will reject you again. Your new meaning could be
          (my new meaning would be):

          “I cannot be rejected. Even if a man rejects my love, I have
          infinite love inside of me. And even when I do feel rejected,
          I can still love, because I am a feminine woman who is full
          of love. No-one can TRULY reject me, because I am far
          better than that.

          It’s impossible to be rejected. It’s an illusion.

          I am only rejected if I BELIEVE people are rejecting me.”

          Another example: say you fear that you are not as good as his
          ex-girlfriend. Your new meaning would be, instead of: ‘oh I

          could never compare to his ex girlfriend because he’s so
          obsessed over her.’ Your new meaning could be:

          “I have everything I need within me right NOW to be more than
          enough for this man, and even more than his ex is. I know

          that even if he does the thing I fear the most – which is
          leave me – I am far too powerful a woman to diminish myself

          because of this. I will be a better lover for the right man
          for me, even if this relationship doesn’t work out.”

          5) Now read over your new meanings. And from this day on,
          EVERY time you feel the fears coming up again, abruptly

          break your emotional pattern (your recurrent fears), and
          go back to your list and read over your new meaning.

          EVERY time!

          No exceptions.

          And from these new meanings you give to your fears, you
          will be able to increase your value as a woman, because
          you won’t be doing things from a place of desperation or
          neediness.

          When you do things from a place of desperation or neediness,
          you end up just extracting value from a man’s life, rather than
          adding value.

          And it doesn’t matter whether you end up with this man or
          not – what matters is that you have this understanding and
          this strength inside of yourself to become a better lover –
          for yourself (so that you can attract that fulfilling
          relationship), and for your current man or your future man.

          An important point to note: when you give a man space, and
          you do the steps I’ve given you above, and while you give him

          his space, you work on yourself and work from your newfound
          understanding of men, you’ll notice that he will probably call

          you first and ask how you are, and not only that, he’ll want
          to make plans to see YOU, because he feels your presence
          differently.

          You start to go from feeling like more of a burden to him to
          feeling like more of an excitement and a ‘drug’ for him. The

          kind of woman that makes him feel like a man – the number
          one thing he needs to feel.”

          LOVE,
          Sara

  • Sara says:

    Renée, it is incredible how you have opened my eyes about sooo many things! I used to be so much “in control” all the time not wanting to show and definitely not share my feelings with the man I was with until I learned from you that men were actually LOOKING FOR those emotions!

    I am starting to let go so when I feel like crying at a movie or a show I just do, I feel ridiculous sometimes 🙂 but my man’s reaction is so tender that I feel like you were indeed so right the more you show who you truly are and drop the “tightness and control” the more attractive and endearing you will be!

    This sentence “Why Male and Female differences are Painful yet – women are well taken care of…” is so interesting and deserves a whole article by itself! In fact, I was amazed when I realized how my man is so motivated to care for me and be there when I need him BUT you are sooo right to insist on the “catch”, he needs my appreciation, my loving reaction to his actions and my openness.

    Thank you so much Renée! I have discovered your blog a year ago and I have since progressed so much in my learning about men, I know I still have so much to learn since I do make the same mistakes and I get frustrated still and angry about stupid stuff but I am also so proud of my progress so far and I am very grateful to you for that 🙂

  • Lauren says:

    “I’ve done crazy things that when I tell women what these things are, they cannot BELIEVE my man is still with me.”

    Truer words have never been spoken.

    Great article, Renee!

  • Meredith says:

    This is one of the most helpful articles you’ve written. Great reminders, thank you.
    I wanted to say, using your blogs and emails I’ve been able to go back to an old relationship (where we were both very much on love, but were in constant conflict) and entirely change the dynamic of it. Understanding my man was the key to changing my terrible behaviour, and he naturally followed suit. 🙂

  • mary says:

    Hello
    I`m not enough experienced to understand all you say maybe because I`m too young- 23- however according to my little personal experience, you are right: It is mostly our feminine energy that attracts men rather than looks, etc. Plus our friends, even unwantedly, can sometimes give really bad dating advice.
    Thank you. I feel good everytime I read your articles.That`s wonderful to feel & know that you have an innate powerful gift that can brighten your life just by allowing it to show up; just by being your real self. I wait for your new useful articles.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Mary, you’re welcome 🙂

      There’s the odd great girlfriend who might understand men – we just have to be careful and selective who we actually listen to and let influence us! What goes in to our minds and ears affects us profoundly.

  • Barbie says:

    Renee,

    Thank you for presenting this information in a way that is so easy to understand. You really have the market cornered considering the majority of the information available on this topic (men and women / relationships) is so different. I have stopped reading magazines, other blogs, and taking advice from girlfriends (especially ones who are typically not in the greatest relationships themselves). I have also realized that through your blog, it isn’t necessary to consort my girlfriends for every single nuance of my relationship. Real intimacy comes between a man and a woman – no third party…well, except your blogs 🙂

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Barbie (love the name!)

      Thanks for sharing this – I think it’s a beautiful thing to come to the realisation that to you, real intimacy is between a man and a woman.

      And I do agree that talking about every little nuance can be damaging; it’s nice to hear that instead, you’re committing yourself to finding the right solutions and answers for yourself.

      Have fun!

      – Renee. xoxox

  • alex says:

    I’ve been back and forth this with guy since June. We’ve dated and broke up bk in October then agreed to be friends and work things out in November. We’ve slept together a few times and feelings were starting to grow. We both noticed but we were five as we were. Not to get graphic but we were making love last week and he told me he loves me. I said I feel the same but I didn’t say the words bc I wasn’t ready to I ask him the next morning if he meant it he said yea.So for the past four days he’s been ignoring me and not answering any calls or texts and when he finally picked up the phone he was very passive and non chalant. I haven’t contacted him since, its been two days. I blocked his calls though bc I’m so upset. I
    I’m tired of trying to figure out what he wants to why he’s acting this way. I though we were fine. Honestly. Please someone give me some type of advice bc I’m ready to quit men altogether.

  • Katie says:

    I must say I’m surprised at the poor quality of grammar and punctuation in these articles. It is very distracting. A typo here or there is completely understandable, but the arbitrary capitalization and overuse of semi-colons is distracting from the content and off-putting to readers. A feminine woman has the self-respect to proof-read her work!

    • Allison says:

      Come on- really? I have never responded to anything in chat rooms BUT Renee’s work is so helpful and insightful. I’m sorry typos are tripping you up. Don’t let yourself miss out. I feel like I’m a better listener and “advice giver” to my friends from some of discussions and topics on The Feminine Woman.

      • Renee Wade says:

        Hi Allison – thanks for being a good friend to your girlfriends and giving them advice that would serve them better. The good energy will come back to you 🙂 xox

    • Charice says:

      I must say, Are you for real? Nah you can’t be – must be a troll. Most women aren’t rude or stupid enough to shoot the person helping their own gender.

    • niki says:

      Katie: Get a life. Your comments scream Jealousy.

      Renee: Your grammar is fine. When I read your articles, I feel like your sitting across the kitchen table from me enjoying a good cup of coffee. I love your girlfriend to girlfriend writing style.

      Many women from around the world are benefiting from your advice, including me.

      Keep up the good work!

    • Carrie says:

      How did my English teacher get on this blog?

    • River says:

      I’m actually an English teacher (really), and I have to say that I love Renee’s writing style– the informality, liveliness, and bluntness! Her content is absolutely invaluable: so much so that I don’t even NOTICE typos.

      Now, what else is riveting enough to make an English teacher ignore grammar? 😉 Just enjoy it, implement it, and look for mechanics elsewhere.

  • Dawn says:

    My boyfriend hasn’t “gotten around” to removing pictures of his ex-gf from his Facebook account – I don’t understand why, because she put him through absolute hell legally, and I believe him when he says there is no love there. The 4 pictures are of him and her having a great time on holiday – something we can’t do together because he is so in debt because of the fallout from the relationship.

    He is hardly on FB, and says “who cares?”, But I care, so I think it’s a matter of him respecting my feelings to remove them. How can I ask him in a way that he understands and responds appropriately (meaning – doing what I ask, LOL)? I feel it’s a control thing now between the 2 of us, and I don’t like conflict or power struggles. If he asked me to do something like that because it was important to him, I’d take them off right away. (which is a non-issue, because I’d do it without him having to ask …) I’m really irritated and a little baffled. Overall, though, we have a great relationship and he is very good to me. Am I being unreasonable? This has been going on for 6 months… and I ask about once every 2 weeks or so. He is tuning me out on this matter.

    Love your website and advice, by the way. I’m referring my friends to your site. Thanks!

    • River says:

      Hi, Dawn,

      I’m in kind of the same situation! Or I was. My honey bun and I got together last June, and there’s a bit of a generation gap (I’m 26 and am on Facebook on at least an every-other-day basis, he’s 34 and got on it once in 2009 to put up some pictures of his then-wife and toddler). He was very committed to me from the beginning, and made it clear that there is nothing between his ex and himself. But to him, where Facebook barely exists in his consciousness, what’s on Facebook really doesn’t matter. I asked kindly once every month or so, when we were already looking at photos online or something; told him that because of my age, online can sometimes seem to represent reality. He didn’t get it, but he respected my viewpoint.

      The outcome? After four months, he finally confirmed my relationship request! After seven months, he asked me to help him delete the photos — mainly for my sake.

      And it isn’t because of any lack of respect, perceived or otherwise. Guys, especially those that didn’t grow up with stuff like FB, really don’t care, even if they adore you! So don’t worry. 🙂

  • Sara says:

    Thanks Renee, I’m dating an alpha male and I think I understand him a lot more of late.

    I’ve realised the only way to live with him is by not being afraid. I remain respectful and humble and happy at all times, but if he crosses the line, I make sure to let him know that I do not like it.
    I used to make the mistake of phrasing it as “what you are doing is wrong”. That did not work well at all. The best way to phrase things you do not like is to say it as “I do not like this.”
    He is so stubborn. He is incredibly handsome. And rough. And masculine. And insensitive.

    Perhaps you want an example. Once we’d had a fight and we were meeting up for lunch to sort of sort it out. He (my boyfriend) came by my office and we walked to a restaurant. On the way to the restaurant, we bumped into a friend of his whom I did not know. His friend was driving and could not stop right where we were. So he had to drive about twenty meters back where we’d come from to find a spot to stop his car. My boyfriend did not introduce me or even say a word. He just ran off to they guy’s car. And got in. And they drove a few metres even further! And left me standing on the pavement.

    We had not decided on where were going for lunch and there were basically three options. But I was SO ANGRY. I found that so INSENSITIVE. I overreacted and walked straight on, round the block and back to my office. After about ten calls from my boyfriend I finally picked up and told him I was back in the office. He asked why and I told him I was just not hungry.

    He’d looked for me in all three restaurants. He was pretty pissed. Anyway, later that afternoon, I told him that he had been extremely insensitive. I said this on text message. He did not reply.

    That evening some friends were going to the movies and I wanted to tag along. I called my boyfriend to tell him and ask if he had some other plans for us for that evening or if he’d like to tag along as well. He did not pick up. I called him three times. He did not pick up.

    I was mad. He’s the one who’d been incredibly insensitive, why was he the one angry and ignoring my calls??

    I went for the movie and then went home. He didn’t call that night. He called the next morning. I did not pick up. He called all day. And a few times that night. And the next day. It was sunday. He texted early in the evening that he was outside my house. He wanted me to come out and see him. I told him I couldn’t.

    Well he was really mad. He called me the minute he got home and now we talked. And he apologised for being insensitive. And about the fight we had had earlier, he said he never actually ever criticises me with malicious intent. He truly cares for me.

    • Alicia says:

      If my boyfriend had done this I would not have walked off. I would have waited then scolded about the fact that we now didn’t have time for lunch (if that was the case). I don’t call my boyfriend “rude” or “insensitive”. I just complain specifically about behavior describing why the particular behavior has caused a problem. Also, he’s the man, I’m the woman, if he expects me to wait a momens for him I do so. In other words I am (somewhat) submissive. I would have sashayed up & said in a flirtatious voice, “Aren’t you going to introduce me?”. If it was too late I would say when he returned, “I was embarrassed (or felt disrespected) cuz you didn’t introduce me and hope you will next time”. His answer would probably be, “I forgot”, to which I would reply, “That’s what I figured, sweetheart”. By the way, because I treat him this way I get Lots of sex which is Terribly important to me. I’m near 60. He’s 4 years younger.

  • Amanda Mueller says:

    So my story is simple, I have been dating this guy for five months now and things overall have been great. We have a blast together, constantly laughing, tickling and simply enjoying each others company. The day after Christmas I was in another state with my family getting a lot of heat from them because the guy that I am dating isn’t comfortable with titles. So my family made me believe that he was only playing games with me because in my past relationships, after 5 months I knew he was my boyfriend. I freaked out and emotional threw up on him via text. When I came back from my trip three days later he came over and gave me a hug and a kiss. We haven’t talked about the incident and we haven’t had the conversation about what happened. It’s as if the situation never happened. So now my game plan is to cool my jets and just let things be what they are. He obviously cares about me, as I care about him. The unknown is a pretty scary place for a girls mind to wonder. But a good friend of mine pointed out to me that if he didn’t care, he would have left once I forced my emotions all over him.
    I am learning a lot from your articles and appreciate the insight you have given me. I truly love him and want to understand his fear of commitment and why he’s so against calling me his girlfriend, even though my friends, his friends see us that way. I am trying to let things settle and play itself out.

  • Marie says:

    Hi Renee,
    Could you please elaborate a little more on your words here:
    “The longer you have withheld your gratitude, the longer you have withheld your happiness and energy from a man, the longer a path you need to take to regain his trust.”?
    I am in such a trap right now, because I didn’t know how to express myself to my man, and he found someone else to feel like a man… I ‘ve been taking care of his kids for few years but really want my own children (you know clock is ticking)… He shows no interest in me now, despite all my efforts, but how do I voice myself positively when I’m so hurt? It’s my first serious relationship and I wanted to be married for life to him. How long do i wait for him to get out of his mess? I start losing attraction for him…

    • kyle says:

      Marie,
      You don’t say what your relationship was with him. You took care of his kids. What does that mean, you were his nanny or his live in girlfriend.
      But the key to what your asking is right here. “because I didn’t know how to express myself to my man, and he found someone else to feel like a man”

      and put that next to this sentence, “He shows no interest in me now, despite all my efforts, but how do I voice myself positively when I’m so hurt?”

      So you didn’t show him something, not sure what you didn’t show him or in what type of relationship it was and now you are hurt.
      I’m not saying you can’t be hurt, but as long as you are focused on your hurt, I’m wondering how it will ever work out. (I’m a guy, full disclosure.) Make sense?

  • Neferyuya says:

    I keep coming back in here reading over your article, though I read the article in full the first time.

    It has me thinking of many things.

    This part copied below that you typed hit me before I realized that I’ve grown away from friends and went on about typing a book about that bottled up mess.

    +++++++++++++++++++++++
    Quote; “you rather he be the man you are attracted to, not the soppy man who is obsessed with relationship and deep connection like you are.” unquote.
    +++++++++++++++++++++++

    Thank you for typing these words – I could hang them on my mirror, so I could read them every morning before I go into the world. I work with a lot of women. I have to stay firm with my beliefs.

    I went for so many years with no one with this sort of mindset other than my deceased mother to draw from for encouragement that I was doing the right thing and rejecting anything less – I had started to think that I was a misfit, an old fashioned girl just for wanting a man to be a man.

  • Neferyuya says:

    Those friends we women have…..

    Some of my friends are seeing that I get a lot of what I want from men lately – lately since I calmed down, stopped listening to them and started listening to God, who directs me to people like Renee. I feel that I enjoy a “right man” in my company, he’s in my world, not my man, just in my world and others call him my man so much I may accidentally type it and try to catch myself so I don’t have my friends habits rub off on me [new friends? hum. There are many people falling into the same traps out there]. My friends want to hurry things along for me. They have their internet boyfriends who they have never so much as touched. They show their bodies online to strangers on strange websites designed for them to be characters – but it is really for hooking up – I don’t do any of that – sounds boring, nothing to touch. I only accept men in my face as relationship material because I have to experience him with all my senses. I witness my friends who are all about their online affairs creating most of their relationships on the fantasy realm. I don’t want that. These friends make up and break up with those they’ve never seen in the flesh.

    Now, I see how these friends have actually been confusion in my life because they are willing to accept a fantasy relationship that they can distract themselves with and I want to fix my head and quit considering any thinking through the goggles of these friends who have no value for themselves – they really are driven by fear and I am happy with where the man I am interested in is at with me at this current moment – it moves along just right.

    This pace I go will never satisfy my empty friends – I must keep them completely out of my business. How can they understand this business I have – their head is elsewhere. I will just tell them I have my business handled. They can then start filling the air with their talk – they live for talking about their online affairs anyway – they only really ask how I am doing to be sure they meet a social requirement for pretending to care before they actually start prattling on about what they can’t stop thinking about – themselves.. that is why they are so dissatisfied – they won’t really consider others honestly – not such good friends I come to find.

    I see a new culture clash – women who want 3d love from the onset finding female friends who only go for the fantasy and are afraid to let that guard down long enough to really feel.

    When seeking advise one must consider the source.

    My mother was a woman who was married till she died.

    I don’t have her anymore to guide me in this world and see that I am satisfied with Renee Wade because all the women I know are making their decisions based on fear and fantasy….these things do not address my desire for a man in my life for real.

    The man I care for – he’s my match not theirs anyway. What do my friends know of that?

    Nothing.

    I love you Renee. You are like the best friend a girl could have.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi there Neferyuya!

      Your friends indulging in the online affairs..what does this entail? Is it online chat? Or do they go via online affair dating websites?

      I understand online dating – but this sounds like a whole new fantasy world like World of Warcraft or something!

      – Renee.

      • Neferyuya says:

        And you said it right ….

        ” like a whole new fantasy world like World of Warcraft or something!”

        People can go to certain games online and go behind the game some how and have a virtual world in which they create themselves like a Wii game and go from there.

        My friend told me she was doing this last year.

      • Neferyuya says:

        P.s.

        I have the idea to not let this guy meet her, I never thought about that before today.

        She only hears me mention him – she has never met him and does not go far from her PC.

        I love my friend, but I think she a blocker – lol.

  • M-> says:

    Dear Renee,
    First of all congratulations with your pregnancy, I felt so happy for you when i read that email and that picture of you and your man is just precious 🙂
    I’m a long time reader of your website, and your advice has helped me tremendously with my self-esteem and my relationship. So thank you so much 😉
    I liked this article, but there’s another thing I worry about, and I think I can’t be the only one with this problem. I haven’t seen anything about it on your website, and to my surprise I don’t see it mentioned in the comments – though of course i haven’t read them all, much as i’d like to.
    I’ve been with my man for 7 years, living together for the past 1,5 years. No commitment issues ever, just some problems that used to stem from my insecurity. I’ve overcome most with the help of your articles and by growing up ;). But there’s one thing that bothers me and I don’t know what to do about it.
    At some point, a few years ago, my bf stopped making out with me. And if I wanna kiss him, he turns away his face. At first i thought it’d be a phase and it’d pass if I gave him space and waited for him to take the initiative. Then I’d start using advice from Cosmo, by teasing him with light kisses anywhere but on his lips etc. so he’d be tempted to kiss me, but nothing. Just the occasional peck on the lips or the cheek, that’s all. Once I got desperate and asked him straight why he always pulls back when I try to kiss him, but he said he was tired and didn’t wanna talk about it. So I just dropped the subject, and now I live a kissless life 🙁 sometimes I’ll just start kissing to see if i get a response, but always nothing. This has been going on for a few years, and otherwise we have no major problems. He likes to cuddle, we have sex, we live together and have plans for the future. I’d just like to understand why he suddenly stopped kissing me. The first few years we had great make-out sessions, and from previous lovers I got no complaints I’m a bad kisser or something. I look good, have nice lips, and I don’t think I smell. Maybe he isn’t really into kissing, but for me it’s a very important way to feel physical attraction, and I’m even beginning to lose my physical attraction towards him because of it :/
    Is this something you could write an article about? Or have already written about but I missed it? Or do you cover it in one of your programmes and could you recommend it to me? Or should I get in touch with you personally?
    I really look forward to hearing from you!
    Love and xx

    • M-> says:

      Oops I didn’t know I wrote such a novel :/
      And wow I’m pretty in my avatar 😀

      • Neferyuya says:

        Maybe he has a bad tooth and is not really fond of dentists. Honestly.

        Maybe it’s not some thing about you at all. Nothing wrong with you.

        He might have a gum concern, especially if this all happened around the time he went to a dentist. Something like that.

        I injured a tooth in the back of my head long ago and stopped kissing my boyfriend because I did not want him to notice it, I was embarrassed to talk about it because the way I got hurt was really stupid. The tooth cracked in half and I had to earn money to get it fixed which took a while.

        Possibility? I hope all is well with you.

        • Neferyuya says:

          I do see that I related the way I feel about some thing I did to a male situation, however, in this case, I think it would be worthy to weigh the feelings of people doing the kissing and how they feel about their teeth; male or female. I notice both sexes care about breath.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi M!

      There are soooo many reasons why a man could stop this. I don’t know him, so I can’t know.

      Key – establish whether his bad association with kissing is with kissing or with you.

      xox

    • Alicia says:

      My boyfriend can be weird & mysterious too. I wait till he seems relaxed & open then ask. Itry to stay gentle. I’m persistent but if he doesn’t want to talk I say, “Ok, I’ll ask another time”. He groans because he can’t fight w/me, I’m being too nice. But he knows I’ll bring it up again in a couple days, and then again till its resolved.

      • Neferyuya says:

        I’m single at the moment – quite by choice right now. I practice on one of my ex boyfriends [we are friends, our life goals are completely different – so I am not mad at him or anything] anyway, I practice on him in conversation to be sure I state things in a gentle way, a feminine way. I have been very politically active in my life and sometimes when one gets me going about politics or I hear some news my tone gets masculine. So, last night I got opinionated about something I heard on the news. He got upset with my tone. I started explaining from self and got the same message across to him explaining my tone and that it is not directed towards him. He explained back in a kinder way how he feels when my tone goes masculine, also addressing the issue that made my tone go masculine – a two for one!!!!! Like winning the lottery!
        It was a great way to hear a male way of thinking from a man.He did not leave or get mad. We both just nodded our heads like “yup…” about the tone of voice and gave the political issue attention as well. Then we went on about the evening. Thru the ex I am learning better ways to get men to open up and stop having those awkward “shut down” moments.

        Regardless of men, I think I can be pretty weird and mysterious…lol – I agree with you about being gentle because anytime I think of something about me and a man I want in my life [to get married forever to], I notice I only fantasize about gentle things and love – never the arguments – haha. Better to stay gentle and really get an answer is what I find works best.

  • Jas says:

    My requests would be can you make the articles shorter? Even if it takes a couple of sessions to communicate the same thing? Also can you do an article or 5 on internet dating, how to pick a good man, or let him come to you, how to be successful at it…

  • Anyeh says:

    Thanks for a wonderful Article Renee 🙂
    It’s true that sometimes Women worry too
    much about many things 🙂 by the way
    about “experessing ourselves”, I’d like to share
    Something that i learn. i heard a really
    beautiful audio podcast by Marianne Williamson
    (The title is “intimacy”) here’s the transcription of
    The podcast. It inspired me 🙂

    “Be careful of what & how we say things. We’re so into saying everything and telling it like it is. we lose the value of discretion. We think that in the name of intimacy, we say everything that goes in our mind (especially women). Actually, sometimes…in order to preserve intimacy with a man, we have to keep some mystery and be very careful of what we say. Sometimes…something that needs to come up is simply to be placed in the hands of God, not neccesarily in the ear of every person that we know. It doesnt mean we’re not being authentic. Quite the opposite. Sometime the way that we find our true authentic self is that we take certain thoughts & we place them in God’s hands. if that thought represents something that in fact does need to be communicated…then it is revealed to you how to communicate that thing in the most loving & compassionate way so that there’s no way it will hurt someone.
    There’s nothing wrong with some mystery. Silence is part of our power. It’s not a game. It’s part of the dance of the feminine. We are powerful when we speak, we are powerful when we are silent :)”

    What do you think Renee? I think it’s true. Sometimes we women can be very sensitive and we get so upset over little things. We express every little thing that upsets us to our man and sometimes women can go too far and we might make our man feel that we’re venting too much and it can make him feel like a punching bag.

    Also i remember….in one of your posts you were saying that men don’t respond much to words. I agree. i also believe that intimacy and communication is not that everything can be spoken…but it’s more important that everything can be heard. We’ve all heard any couples freely saying and express everything to each other and both of them don’t feel heard or listened to. we also heard there are couples who don’t say things much but both understand each other perfectly. I think loving silence can also be a powerful communication between a man and a woman 😉 xxxx

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Anyeh – Thank You for sharing that quote from Marianne Williamson.

      Of course it’s true! I agree 🙂

      And, by the way, when I say express yourself, I don’t always mean via words!

      But see….the trouble with that is that when I say express yourself, us women AUTOMATICALLY assume it means….talk about it. When, talking about it in many cases, means little to a man.

      You remember correctly….men don’t respond very well to a woman using words – they respond to emotion.

      Men might respond in a male’s way – but when I say they don’t respond to it – I mean to say that they won’t respond to you in the way that your heart actually desires. Unless he’s a very conscious man, you have been together a while, and he truly understands women – even then, it’s rare.

      Thanks for reading!

      • kyle says:

        Dead on Renee when you say this.
        —-– I mean to say that they won’t respond to you in the way that your heart actually desires. Unless he’s a very conscious man, you have been together a while, and he truly understands women – even then, it’s rare.— And it doesn’t mean he’s bad, heartless, evil, etc. means he does not think and react like you do. (Which was Renee’s point.)

  • Trina says:

    Im an Alpha female most Alpha males doesnt want me…Why most Alpha males want Beta females instead of Alpha Females?Whats wrong with the Alpha female?

    • Julia says:

      Renee, i agree with Trina.Ive read alot of your blogs and truly value them. I have put feminine energy to work while dating and it truly has given results. Eventhough i feel like im acting, in a roll that doesn’t naturally feels like me, (but have clearly seen the results!) how can we (alpha females) avoid our nature popping out? Is this something that’s in us for life or can an Alpha ever become a Beta? I wish this shark can become a goldfish.

      • Trina says:

        Yes Julia Its hard trying to calm the alpha female nature from popping out…….I dont feel like myself either but I definitely dont want a beta male thats is too much work…I want her to answer that too cus I dont want to die alone..I guess we have to let him lead even If we dont like it because he is not going to change

    • kyle says:

      Are you trying to be Alpha with the man. If you are it’s going to get, generally, one of two responses. 1.) If they let you be Alpha, then they are way beta and are you interested in that? You seem to indicate you aren’t. Also, if they let you be alpha, they are looking for a caretaker/mommy figure.

      If they are alpha males and you try to be alpha with them, they might put you in your place a time or two, but if you keep at it, they are going to drop you, because the male life is so competitive in so many ways, they don’t want their woman competing with them. In other words, if you do that, they won’t be interested in you. .Hope that helps.

      • Trina says:

        @Kyle I get your point…. Its so hard when Im in the army and he is too but he has been in there longer than I have…That is my problem Im trying to be alpha with them… I got to try to seperate work from my love life..I dont have kids yet he has asked when…. I said I dont know… I got give him an answer lol but its hard I have been competing with men for a long time and enjoy it!…But I dont want to end alone

        • kyle says:

          Trina,
          I’m not saying don’t compete, but put yourself in a different mindset when you come home with your man. It’s home, He’s the alpha and if burglars need to be shot, let him do it. If he’s gone or runs out of ammo, toss him an extra magazine and ventilate a burglar or two yourself. In other words I’d recommend letting yourself be the fascinating woman, some aspects of which you probably repress in your professional life.
          I hope that helps. Just totally shift the mindset at home. Be yourself, but be your feminine self. I wish you the best.

      • Trina says:

        @Kyle Ive been working on it …so far so good..most of my friends have been married but divorced for two reasons lack of respect towards the men in their life or competing with them…..I dont want to be them I want to be married lol…..They tried to get them back with them nothing worked they were done….My problem is not competing with him is just that I tend to forget Im not in this alone so he doesnt like I dont want his help…I was raised without parents its hard getting use to this

  • Christina says:

    Can you write an article on women who live with a man with kids before marriage and want to get married but comes off desperate asking him?Should they wait for a man if he says he wants to be able to buy a house and get out of debt in this economy?

    • Miss Mary says:

      That’s a smart man looking after the practicalities, his life partner and children’s best interest. So instead have a commitment ceremony with two witnesses. Later when he is feeling financially secure, have that big wedding u have dreamed about

      • Christina says:

        He has another kid by another woman so his son lives with us too…..he is 31…im 26 I dont have money to get a place for myself or go back to college to get my associate degree… he works 80hours a week he doesnt have a degree and it is still not enough money to save should I really take the risk to stay what if something happens to him he doesnt eat healthy or go to the gym… I will be left with nothing…I know I made a mistake dealing with him but I dont want to move back with my parents

  • Arabella says:

    OMG…I have been praying to find something like this for AGES!!! I was at my wit’s end with men because I couldn’t seem to keep them attracted to me nor could I understand why they do the things they do! 😀

    I poured through every word and took it all in.

    A few things that stood out to me were insights 2 and 3. I’ve always thought men left me because I wasn’t good enough and in a lot of cases they and their new girl would tell me I was lower than them. Ironically at one point they all said it was because I never seemed happy with anything. Always insecure. And i’d have to agree. It’s something I’m working on now.

    Insight 3 was pretty cool. I’ve read other articles where they said guys like girls who control their emotions and are calm and collected always. I’ve always been called crazy because I don’t hold anything in. If something’s on my mind it’s written all over my face and I go quiet (well quieter lol). Yet I’ve seen men with some women that would be considered pretty darn loopy. Also other women would criticize other women who were real and expressive. So it’s good to know that women don’t have to hold stuff in and be “perfect”.

    You have no idea how freeing that feels for me!

    Thanks for writing this article Renee! Your work truly is lovely and inspiring! Have a good one!

    -Arabella

    P.S. congrats on your marriage and first pregnancy! Wish you all the best <3

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Arabella….If a man or a man’s new girlfriend tells you that you’re lower than them, it’s not really true. It’s just what they say for a moment of feeling of superiority for them.

      Lol, just think good for them and allow them to feel special for a moment since they already feel small enough to say those things to you! Doesn’t matter if it’s against you or not because you’re not weak enough or low value enough to think it’s REALLY about you. give a go at Laughing it off and moving on from those stupid words. The best thing is to realise you attracted the wrong kinds of people. What beliefs do you subconsciously have about people? About men? About being in close relationships with other people?

      What do you really believe, beneath all the layers of thought you have every day? These are the reason you attract those kinds of men.

      Thank You for letting me know that you enjoyed the article, and thanks for your well wishes. I appreciate it.

      – Renee. xoxox

  • Debbie says:

    While reading, I was thinking, ‘If all women really need is to give men their feminine radiance, isn’t it too easy to get a lot of men to fall in love with you?’ Then I realised what Renee meant about 1000 men at your door. It really is that easy!!! Renee’s advice really makes me feel a bit cheated. From a young age, we’re taught we have to be hotter, sexier, and slimmer than others just to get the guy. Boy were we WAY off!

    • Renee Wade says:

      Debbie, I’m enjoying reading your revelation. Thanks for sharing it here! xoxox

    • Betty says:

      Ha! There are so many long comments on here that I’ve been skipping past them, looking to read a more compact and ‘short’ comment. Renee, you suggested in our inboxes that we comment here after reading the above, so here I am doing so. 🙂 I love, and agree with, after letting Renee’s teachings win me over and convincingly so in my soul, about the 1000 men at my door. If you asked me 5 months ago if I’d believe the above statement, I’d have surely had said no. A big no! I just never see any male attraction happen towards me, or so I just thought… Sure I was confident, loved myself, thought I had value, displayed and felt inner strength and resilience, but I wasn’t presenting myself in a proper feminine way; was because of family and society being more ‘gender neutral’, and being more in the masculine energy channel? So very wrong! Considering I want a man in my life, hello. Now, like, 1000 men, I can imagine for myself. That’s not that many people, really, fellow Melbournite Ms. Renee!! Like our high school size, back when. Hehe. Now my response to this article is : I’m getting back in touch with the 5 y.o me. That vulnerability, that hope for the future, that femininity. She’s there and I’ve been in touch with her and have related to her, but haven’t given her justice in the present. I have totally not done myself justice, letting my feminine potential and radiance shine through. No more suppressing! Hello, I’m also a Latina!! What has happened to the world?!! Argh. Better a lil late, than never. 🙂

  • Serena says:

    Wow Renee.
    This is probably one of the best articles I’ve ever read on your blog 🙂 I must admit that I’ve always felt uncomfortable and worthless when my boyfriend would stare at other girls, and I have the right to. But the way you explained it, I realize that I’m probably going to laugh next time he does (a bit like you did in your car) :P.

    This WHOLE article makes me trust my boyfriend WAY more…even though I’ve always had some serious trust issues (fear can do such bad things).
    …Now that I think about it, it’s quite funny how men can be so simple and direct don’t you think? 😛 Hehe 🙂

    In the end, thank you for making me laugh (“Would it surprise you if I told you that men would look with the same concentration at a row of 10 rabbits running across the road?” THAT just killed me :D). I feel relieved after reading your words 🙂

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Serena,

      Yes, I absolutely agree how men can be so simple and direct. It’s natural for the masculine energy. In fact, it’s even funnier to see a MAN’S frustration when they don’t understand why women try to read another meaning in to the things they say, and don’t accept what they said to mean only just what they said, hahah!

      Thanks for your kind words and it’s my pleasure to deliver an uplifting message your way.

      – Renee.

  • Hari says:

    Thanks renne, some of this is very helpful.

    The bit I don’t get (especially from your previous comment to me) is that if he hasn’t called u, its because he doesn’t want to? Not that he’s being a man and doing manly things?
    I might of misread it, for the bit being in a proper r.ship rather then dating?

    What about the thing that most girls worry about: why hasn’t he called and gone distant?

    We worry: has he lost interest? Did I say something to upset him? Is he just busy? If I am going to be understanding and not needy or the dreaded word men use “needy”, then do I accept he is just busy, or that he’s lost interest? How do u be a high value women then?

    I think its in our nature as women to worry, absolutely! Ha!

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hey Hari,

      When I say doesn’t want to – I don’t mean to say that a man is rejecting you. I mean to say that he just isn’t calling. Sorry I didn’t make that clearer.

      As for your situation again…if you guys never discussed a relationship…and he hasn’t called…then depending on how long it’s been, he needs to be tested, and you can make contact – this is something I teach in commitment control.

      I don’t see that you trust him very much; possibly because you haven’t been together long?

      Since you haven’t built up much trust, there’s a good reason to think that you guys were never that close in the first place.

      I don’t have time to go in to how to make contact here – that’s for my programs where I have the time to go in to great depth and break down different situations for women.

      Either way, I suggest that if you do make contact, keep it playful.

      If you don’t – and he doesn’t call; then there was not enough attraction between you both to sustain a relationship and guess what?

      This is a GREAT thing. Moving on now….to the RIGHT man! Be ok giving yourself permission to do this.

      He is not your only option. Even if you love him like crazy. I know, life isn’t fair! 🙂

      -XxX-

      P.S – Hari, if he felt enough Attraction and Connection (the two keys to long-term commitment), he would find a way to contact you. He wouldn’t be able to help it.

      The KEY is – don’t be silly and think this is your fault. It’s not. It’s just what it is. In life, a lot of things don’t work out – but that’s only a small kink in the road where you travel towards the right man.

  • Joyce says:

    Hey Renee, just wanted to say thanks for writing this up I’m going through a really hard time right now and your words have helped me see things from a new perspective and i actually feel better already.

    I do have one point to make. I was surprised that men don’t judge. I do so much and worry so much from my own fearfulness that men might be judging me, and it does feel like they judge, but when i think about it, most of the time, when men poke fun at you, isn’t it because they like you anyway?

    • kyle says:

      If they are teasing you and there’s not a mean edge to it, then usually they’re at minimum friendly. I don’t tease women that I’m not friendly with ever. (I might not like them romantically, but I like them as friends.)
      You are correct, men are much less judgmental of women than women are of women or men. Men judge other men on far different criteria, but that’s not an issue for you guys.

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