When it comes to understanding men, there are two important things I want you to know. Because I find that it’s very easy to forget all the little details and everything else when you are stressed out or upset about your relationship issues. And it’s helpful to remember these basics before you make decisions you will regret.
Before giving you the five insights into men — (click here to take the quiz on “Am I dating a Commitment Friendly Man?“) — I want to lay a quick but important foundation with you. Here are the two most fundamental principles:
1) Most of the things you worry about to do with men are actually not anything to worry about.
You see, we worry for our reasons, with our feminine hormones and feminine brain. We think that he is not calling, for example, because we haven’t shown enough interest in him – and so we call him and chase him out of fear; rather than thinking it through first. Yet, the bottom line is that if he wants to call, he will eventually.
As women, we read other meanings into things and think: Oh, did he say that because he actually meant something else? Does he really mean what he said? What does it mean when he said he has a meeting at 5pm? It means he has a meeting at 5pm and men usually mean nothing more than exactly what they said.
We also tend to worry…”what if he leaves me for Fiona? What if I don’t compare to other women? What if I am not interesting enough and what if Shelley is prettier than me and he will leave me for Shelley?
No. A man is not going to leave you for a prettier woman! it does not work that way. Men leave a woman if they do not feel any emotional attraction for her. They leave if the woman doesn’t show up high value (and high value is mostly about your radiance, your responsiveness and how alive you are).
In a similar vein, we think our boyfriend or husband didn’t do that thing for us because he doesn’t love us enough or care enough. But really, it’s because he didn’t feel, see and hear our request in the form of our emotions – ie: in a way that would impel him do it for us because he is suddenly able to connect to our need for it to be done (because he’s felt our emotions in relation to it). It’s usually not because a man doesn’t care, but our feminine brain interprets his actions that way.
2) Men are not bigger, stronger, faster females. They are men.
This means that we always have to be open to questioning the meaning we automatically place on what men do. You see, we assume we know why people do things, and we assume we know why men do things. Usually, we are very wrong, especially when it comes to making assumptions about men.
If you can have this level of openness and humility – then you have an infinite capacity to understand men, and as you understand more, you can feel infinitely confident with men and worry much less.
This doesn’t mean that men can’t do what women do and vice versa. It just means that a woman might be the better person to breastfeed the baby because she has an innate gift and biology for it.
These innate differences go beyond social constructs, and it’s the innate differences (not our attempt to reject these differences) that causes emotional and sometimes, physical attraction.
For more on accentuating your femininity Click here to get your “Goddess Report.”
But through all my own struggles, here’s the best thing I’ve discovered:
Male and female differences cause us pain, yet at the same time, the universe made sure that women are well taken care of…
As much pain as the differences between men and women cause us, evolution has also made us work perfectly together in many ways. And don’t worry: As a woman, evolution didn’t ditch you. You are actually far better taken care of than you or any other woman would ever have you believe.
It’s just that taking dating or relationship advice from girlfriends often makes us dumber, and more stressed. Because most women get women; they don’t get men — which means that 99 percent of what women think, and the meaning we place on male actions, is completely incorrect.
When you stop taking advice from friends who may not be good at getting out of their own heads and in to your man’s – when you stop taking advice from friends who may not want the best for you, and make your own decisions, you may start to see that men actually want to be there for you, commit to you, and take care of you. Evolution made it this way, but men are wired to take care of a certain type of woman — a woman they see as high value.
Try to remember: Men are responding to you, and what you do. (and women are always responding to how men show up around them too). What does this mean? This means that how you show up around men is crucial to your relationship success. If you show up as low value, or less than you can be, you will get far worse than low value in return. Sometimes, you get nothing. But when you show up as a high value woman, you get far more than you bargained for.
What do you Worry about when it comes to MEN?
I can remember the days, when I’d stress constantly about how a man I liked might think of me. I was also very quick to make terribly wrong assumptions about men that were… well, wrong! Wrong enough that assuming these things was just ignorant of me.
Have you ever worried incessantly about being cheated on?
Ever worried about him checking out other women? I guarantee you have no idea how much you totally over-stress issues with men that actually don’t exist, or aren’t true in his world. As a woman, you are wired to worry when you are in a fearful state.
But as a woman, you also have a lot more power with men than you have been lead to believe. (And I don’t think that’s fair, which is why I’m here.) You have the power with men more than you know right now, even as you are reading this. And your knowledge of men is your power with them. This is the basis of my program “Understanding Men” (check it out by clicking here).
Once you shift from being in worry and fear to being in love (putting your hand on your heart, and feeling the power of your heart), you can suddenly change the destiny of your relationship. You can get the commitment and attention you only dreamed of, simply because in a state of love, you are able to show up as a High Value, High Status woman – and High Value women get more than their fair share in relationships.
Your FEELINGS about Men aren’t wrong…but your perception of men is.
This doesn’t mean that your feelings about men are wrong, or that you’re making anything up — you’re definitely not; after all, they are your feelings. And as a woman, you know that your feelings are the truest and most real thing in your life. After all, we have feelings about everything!
The thing is, they are your feelings. And you know what that means? It means they are not his — which means that the man you are dealing with doesn’t do the things he does for the reasons you think he does.
When Men “Look” at other women…
I’ll give you a little example. The other day I was driving to the mall, and I stopped at the red light. While waiting for the lights to change, I looked to my right to see… two men in a car, staring at something to my left… and they were very concentrated on this particular thing.
I turned to follow their gaze, and saw a man in a car to my left, also staring intently this as-yet-unknown thing. Two seconds later, I see two young women in bikinis washing cars.
Now… because I understand men, I can laugh at this and not just roll my eyes in fear and anger. But I have a question for you: What is your instinctive, gut-level reaction to this? Do you sigh in disgust? Worry that your boyfriend or husband might look if you weren’t there with him? What are you really worried about? That he thinks those half-naked girls are better than you? That he wants to have sex with them?
The answer to all these fears is a resounding “No.” See, it took me a while to get this. Men are conditioned as hunters (and also just as humans) to take note of changes in their environment. So to them it’s actually like, Oh. There’s a bikini car wash in Melbourne, Australia? That is novel! Oh, OK then! Lights change. Moving on now. Half an hour later, most men will have forgotten all about that bikini car wash and the girls there.
They’re wired to look. I will be truthful: some men might want to have sex with those women, but those men are usually the men who consistently feel a lack; they are the men who don’t feel that women desire them, they are the desperate men. They are the men who feel deprived. The question is: Do you have a deprived man? Do you have a desperate man? If so, your worries might be well-founded.
We are always obsessed with the things we perceive that we can’t have. So, a man who hasn’t felt confident with women, a man who doesn’t feel desired by women or high value; is going to get desperate for sex because he is not ‘full’ within himself. His life is lacking already, so any easy perceived opportunity means a lot to him…does that make sense to you?
Are you Attracting Desperate Men?
The worry really is: Why did you attract this particular man into your life? If you have a man who always seems to be looking around for sexier women…then you have a legitimate concern. What should you do? Well, we need to first of all acknowledge that 1: he may not be a good catch, or 2: He needs to feel more abundant feminine and sexual energy from you.
Sometimes, some men are losers. Other times, (more often than we’d like to admit), we are not taking enough responsibility in our relationship to give him the value that he wants; and we get stuck in worry, fear and blaming him.
We need to consider why we attract the type of man that we attract. if you do have a man who is always sleazing around…why is he in your life? The answer is possibly because you are desperate for something as well — maybe attention… maybe variety… maybe the (so-called) security of having a man who is not as good a catch as other men. Maybe you’ve felt your whole life that you’re undeserving of a high value man, or maybe somebody unfairly made you feel inferior to other women (which is never true), so you feel deprived on some level that you don’t get enough attention, which is why the first man who seems to give attention to you, will do.
It’s not your fault. It’s just what you’re going through. But once you become aware of this belief and relax into the reality that it doesn’t serve you, you can dismantle it and start showing up in ways that better express your true worth — and attract better men.
Regarding the bikini car wash: Would you be surprised if I told you that men would look with the same concentration at a row of 10 rabbits running across the road? And that they’d look with the same level of detachment and lack of emotion?
If it does surprise you or make you angry, or you just don’t want to believe me, that’s OK. That’s what we do as women; we make things big in our minds, and we want to be reassured and convinced. Again and again and again.
Right now, I’m going to share those five insights about men you should know before worrying yourself sick.
Insight Number 1) Men judge you far less than you think they do.
Most of the time, it does not serve men to judge women. It only serves a man to judge a woman when the woman is showing up very low value (and he needs to deflect her from his life ASAP).
More often than not, men are not judging you. Men don’t think of you the way other women might think of you. And other women can be harsh with their judgements of other women, because of competition. Women sometimes need to look at the flaws or inadequacies of other women to alert themselves – and the men in their lives – of the imperfections of her competition, so that women use denigrate their rivals and avoid losing access to their man.
With women, the smaller she feels, the more she needs to be judgemental – to keep threats at bay.
Biologically it doesn’t make sense for men to engage in judgement of women – because if a man is really judgemental, then he will lose sexual access to women. And sexual access to women isn’t always easy or available to most men (Women mostly call the shots when it comes to sex).
He is likely more worried about whether you’re open to having sex with him, or if he has feelings for you, he’s more worried about impressing you, or he has already forgotten what you said shortly after you said it.
This is because masculine men are generally more interested in having sex with you and/or enjoying being around your beautiful energy than they are focused on judging you.
Now, if you know me and my work at all, you know that I firmly believe there are very few absolute truths in life — and that everything is contextual. So I want to clarify, and say that yes, some men will judge you – but most men won’t. And you will feel that it you just pause and feel where he is at.
Yet the ones who actually spend time judging you and talking negatively about you are usually the world’s smallest men, they are not the rule, they are just jaded, emotionally closed, and perhaps fearful men who wouldn’t try to ‘get’ you anyway, out of fear of rejection.
That wasn’t me judging men….that is just how it is.
From boyhood on, masculine men spend their entire lives trying to be enough to be worthy of a high-value, high-status woman’s attention. Most men’s lifelong inner experience goes something like this:OK. I’m a male. I like females. I like them a lot. If I want to be worthy and enough in this world, I have to prove myself, and earn my own respect and others’ by making enough money, being funny enough, etc.
That was my attempt at speaking like a male, which, as a female, is the best I could muster. But I think you know what I am saying. As women, we don’t have to do nearly as much to get sex and attention.
But if you’re anything like me, you’ve spent quite a considerable amount of time in your life trying to do things to get a man’s attention when you could have worried a lot less, simply enjoyed yourself, and that would have done the job.
Because men don’t care about all the little details you think they do, or judge you for them. As far as I can tell, men will simply be repelled by you (because your type of energy is not what they’re looking for), or be indifferent to you because they’ve already met their one and only, or try to impress you because they are interested.
Insight Number 2) Men don’t leave you because you weren’t good enough
Men leave for many reasons, but mostly it comes down to how they feel when they are with you. They usually leave because there was no good reason to stay with you. Meaning, the relationship didn’t add enough value to their life, that it was worth staying in.
Sometimes men leave because they felt bad enough about themselves around you enough times that it was time to call it quits.
Remember this: commitment naturally takes value from men; much in the same way as men’s consistent, seemingly never-ending desire to have sex with a woman can take value from women
For a committed relationship to be worth it to a man, it has to add value to his life – and that means he needs to be with a woman who is emotionally free, who lets herself be High Value, and whom he is emotionally attracted to. (physical attraction is never enough for a man to get into a relationship with a woman).
Insight Number 3) Men don’t actually want you to hold everything in and pretend everything is OK.
Move on from this terrible belief, and do something silly — like actually expressing yourself! Now, don’t take this too overboard if you have only had one date with a man… you need time to prove your value to each other before you can even think about unleashing “the crazy.”
But believe it or not, soon enough, if a man is masculine and you have attracted this masculine man into your life, he won’t mind you expressing yourself. In fact, he’ll mind your holding everything in!
Holding things in is not good if you want a commitment, and it’s not good if you want your man to be a better man. It is also not attractive. Holding emotions in is like not letting yourself do a shit. You can only do it for so long until…it all bursts out in a horribly epic manner. Yes, feelings work like poos. You have feelings whether you like it or not – and holding them in all the time is disrespecting yourself.
Sometimes, unleashing your feelings is inevitable (because you can’t keep a shit from 2 weeks ago inside permanently) – and you have to go through that stage in order to become more responsive in real time and calibrated in your relationship.
Yet knowing all this…you MUST NOT blame or criticise. I don’t care how angry and hurt you get – no blaming!
I would rather you yelled “I’m hurt. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m scared!” over and over and over and over, and became so angry that you cried. Men can recover from an emotional burst (even feel relieved after living with a contemptuous, cold woman for months), but it’s harder to recover from a woman trying to keep him down and make him feel small – because that restricts the one thing men want to feel with you – free.
Also, holding feelings in doesn’t keep the right man around. The right man wants you to be alive, responsive and to share yourself. Remember, I said express, not blame. If you want more on this, see my article on being expressive without blaming:
If you want a man to love you for you — well then, you need to be you. It’s not helping you to reject yourself when all you’re truly yearning for is to step out of your own shell, and start expressing yourself fully.
You don’t have to act like a little girl, but you can use the 5-year-old-girl you once were — who simply played, and expressed, and did silly things — as a stepping stone to finding yourself. You’ve probably disowned her… and she doesn’t like it! Try inviting her into your world again to pull you out of your shell and loosen your body up.
Insight Number 4) When your man doesn’t do what you wish he would, you can almost always be sure that it is because you haven’t communicated your needs to him (in a way that he understands).
You may think this means I’m putting the blame on you. No, not at all. In fact, when I discovered this, it felt like a gift, a well-kept secret, and a reason not to worry. It felt like: Thank God, maybe many men actually do want to be there for you? They want to be your hero? And this is not just your boyfriend, but even male friends and relatives.
What a novel concept that other women could never tell you!
Men respond most to primary emotion. Ie: men respond to raw emotion and vulnerability. If there’s something that you need so much that is makes you cry genuinely, then he will be more likely to get what you need for you.
This is just how things work – don’t speak Chinese to an African man who doesn’t know Chinese. You best to speak his language if you care. Raw emotion speaks to him the most.
The only catch: Men don’t want to be there for an unresponsive woman! Women who don’t reward them with their responsiveness or feminine energy. So, respond or reward your man — through your eyes, your gestures, your body movements, and your smile — basically, with your willingness to stay connected in love.
Just beware: The longer that you have withheld your responsiveness or gratitude…the longer you have withheld your happiness and loving energy from a man, the longer the path you will have to regain his trust.
Insight Number 5) Men wish YOU Understood them deeply.
Because when you truly understand them, you stop worrying, and getting hurt and upset all the time. When you’re hurt and upset all the time, your feminine energy doesn’t show up. You’re tight and controlling. And that is not pleasant from a man’s perspective — or anyone’s perspective, especially your own.
And look: When you understand them, men can give you what you need, and be the men you want them to be for you. There is an incredible allure to women who understand men, because these women are usually higher value, less defensive, and more radiant because of the lowered stress that comes from understanding men. Men are drawn to this kind of allure like bees to honey, and they want to commit to you just to own that allure — to own your soul for life.
But the key to getting that genuine commitment from a high-caliber man is not make-up. It is not a slimmer body. Men don’t care about these things; these are the feminine brain’s solution! What men care about is a woman’s energy.
Remember that! Open your eyes… and take a look around at all the attractive, successful men committed to far less attractive, perhaps jobless, and perhaps very overweight women!
The key to men is understanding them. You see, men who are masculine at their core (about 80 percent of the males in the world, according to various researchers) often don’t have many words, especially when it comes to their feelings. They don’t talk all that much about how they feel, and many don’t even understand what that word means in many contexts — which is like a foreign planet for you and me!
We get feelings, and we can speak about them well. But when you try to talk to a man about them, he might just go quiet or look blankly back at you. You can’t turn him into a woman, so the very best thing you can do is to put in the loving thought and care to understand him. The more you are willing to do this, the more that men will approach you for the right reasons (not for sex), and the quicker relationships will start to fall into place for you.
Now I want to make you an offer. I want you to experience the freedom, self-confidence and joy that I have through understanding men, so I’ve created a course on this very subject with my husband (who is my Hero). It’s designed for you to become the goddess you were destined to be with men, and it will eliminate your anxiety, confusion and mistakes with any man. I invite you to join me and my other members in the exclusive Members Area, where you can start “Understanding Men.” Click here to read more about this popular program:
This article has been updated as of September 2017.