How to Talk so He Will Listen to You

Have you ever gotten involved with a man, and 1, 2, 3 or more months down the track, you just couldn’t help asking him where the relationship is going?

Maybe you got involved with him sexually, and he kept coming close and then pushing you away.

Well, if you’ve tried to voice your feelings and be honest with a man only to feel like he just disappeared, it’s not your fault. And no, it’s NOT needy to have the desire to know where the relationship is going. (Click here to take the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

Why It’s OK to Want Security

It’s what you naturally want as a woman. Just like men try to push for sex, and they naturally want sex, you want to know where on earth a relationship is going! You want security.

And, there’s good reason. If you, as a woman, didn’t look for security in some way, then how would you and your children be protected and safe?

Our ancestors needed security for us to be here today. They sure seeked it out, and that biological NEED for a woman to seek out security is still there within you.

So there’s nothing wrong with it!

Men and Women Don’t “Communicate” Very Well

Only, here’s the only problem with getting that: men and women  don’t “communicate” very well. That makes expressing your feelings and needs to a man difficult.

I’m absolutely SURE you know what I’m talking about.

You’ll go ahead, be totally honest about something you feel, and tell him what you feel – and at BEST – he’ll  look at you with a blank face, not even acknowledging what you said. Silence.

This is hard! And the more blank and quiet he IS – the more your heart beats faster, the more angry and scared you get – and then what happens? You keep talking, because HE isn’t talking!

Did He Not Hear You? Does He Not Get It? Why Can’t He Say Anything Back to Me!?

At that point, you’re probably thinking inside your head “OK I obviously haven’t explained myself properly and he doesn’t understand what I’m saying so I better explain it in a better way until he GETS it!” and so you keep talking some more – right?

Constantly talking until a man understands is a natural desire of women, but rarely works in creating a deep bond with your man. A good example of this is in the recent movie ‘Crazy, Stupid Love’ where Julianne Moore is trying to tell Steve Carrell that she cheated on him and he doesn’t say anything, so she screams “why aren’t you saying anything! You know that only makes me talk more!” and he responds by throwing himself out of the car.

So, even though talking more about your feelings makes you think this will help him “GET” you – this is FEMININE Logic. When you actually do this, he just shuts down even more. And it’s NOT because you did the WRONG thing (you can’t do the wrong thing, at least not here, in the feminine woman community).

(By they way, on the topic of feminine, click here to find out how feminine you are deep down in your core by doing my quiz here. I’ve carefully designed these 8 questions to show you exactly how much you are living in your feminine energy and what it really means for you.)

You can only make a MISTAKE, which is very different to doing the wrong thing), so it’s not because you are flawed (you can’t be flawed,  that’s impossible!), it’s because HE IS A MAN.

No matter how much of an asshole he is – no matter how COLD that look on his face is, it STILL is not because you have done the wrong thing or because he hates you. He’s just a MAN. Something you are not. And never will be (sorry to disappoint) 😉

He is built for a totally different thing than you are as a woman, even though you are both human. You already know this, intuitively. It’s time to start acting on it.

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So what I have for you today is one of my best kept  secrets of making a man relax and stop everything he’s doing and listen to you. Most of my best stuff is kept for members of my programs as it’s taken me literally months, even years of trial and error and expensive seminars to get a hold of this knowledge.

But, I know it’s important for you to feel like you can express your feelings without feeling like he’s going to get angry at you. So I’m about to share this strategy with you, and hope that unlike most women, you have the courage to put it in to practice.

It’s only a small thing, but most women wouldn’t do it, because they’re too selfish and blinded by their own false ideas of what a man SHOULD be like.

I’ve kept this strategy with me for so long because I wanted to get it tested, and I use it myself (I never give you advice I don’t use and have not tested myself) and so do all my close girlfriends with their man, and it works wonders.

YES, there IS a way to communicate your feelings without pushing him away

To DO this though, you first have to realise one thing:

He is most likely going to feel BLAMED and CRITICIZED even during the times when you are not blaming him or criticizing him.

Expect that he will feel like pulling away from you and that he will feel criticized at least 3 out of 4 times you try to communicate with him. Until you prove to him that you are not like other women and you won’t BLAME him. If that’s too much to handle, then perhaps you should try a relationship with a woman instead?

That he will feel like you’re complaining, or that he will feel criticized or blamed is the RULE.

Your best bet is to understand it, and expect it. Not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because of the way you, as a woman, communicate. He doesn’t communicate the way you do, so even though you’re making sense in your own head, and you feel innocent, he doesn’t quite get it.

So, remember that as a rule. It’s as true as 1 + 1 = 2.

Any man who has ever had any kind of a relationship with a member of the female species in the past will naturally feel blamed and start to pull away when you try to bring something up about your relationship, UNLESS you do what I’m about to show you.

That’s WHY it’s so hard to communicate your feelings to men. Because they hear your words and feel that you are complaining, or criticizing, or blaming, when all you’re trying to do is hope that he would take a moment to UNDERSTAND you as a woman!

Click here to know how to stay high value when when he pulls away

And the worst thing is – the more you genuinely try to express yourself, and he doesn’t understand, the more emotional you get.

I’ve done this so many times and ended up bursting in to tears just because I wasn’t trying to do anything BUT express myself to him, hoping he would understand.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way with men. And I learned that enough times through seeing the love of my life’s face go blank and cold and seeing him walk away after I innocently tried to express my “Needs” to him. (read my article about the fastest way to push a man away)

This kept happening until I discovered this simple sentence to say to my man (whom I like to call my superman, if you don’t mind me sticking a word of admiration for him in here, because he is just THAT amazing)

So, knowing all this, how do you go ahead, express your  feelings and emotions and needs in a way that he would be more than willing to hear you?

Well, unlike what pretty much all other experts say, which is “don’t have the talk” or “don’t ask where the relationship is going” – which just leaves you clueless because then you start to think the ONLY  alternative is to shut up and go quiet, and say nothing at all – which NEVER works because you’re still fuming and hurting inside with stuff bursting to come out…

True? There IS a way.

This is what I want you to do:

BEFORE you say anything at ALL to him. Stop yourself,  and say this simple sentence first:

“Hey, it’s not your fault, and I’m not blaming you, because nothing is EVER your fault, but because I love you/because I respect you, I feel it’s important to let you know that I feel [insert authentic feelings ie: anger, scared, fearful, hurt, sad, out of control]”.

This disarms him. He can relax and feel that YOU understand HIM first. You are meeting him where he is at, as a man. You’re effectively getting inside his mind without him knowing, and saying what he needs to hear from you before you go ahead and share your feelings.

And, if you do this in a genuine way, he will RETURN your gesture by being willing to understand you, too. As I say in my program Understanding Men, understanding men first is one of the quickest ways to stop wasting precious time and youthful years and get men to line up outside your door, waiting to date you. And you can bet your knickers that your girlfriends do not understand men as you do after you take the program.

So here’s the catch to using my sentence: don’t USE that line as a justification for actually going ahead and blaming him. Don’t point the finger. Don’t sell yourself short like that. You are a woman of high value, so don’t DO that!

HE is never to be Blamed, and you are never to be Blamed

By the way: is it true that nothing is ever his fault? OF COURSE IT IS. And you truly have to believe that with your soul. Just like nothing is ever YOUR FAULT either.

If that sounds weird…I know how you feel. After all, you felt so blamed for so much, growing up. And not to mention how much at fault you feel for your past relationships going wrong.

But think about how FREEING it is to no longer have to blame anyone – most importantly YOURSELF. If you can’t NOT blame anyone – at least start by not blaming yourself.

See, this is what I believe, without a doubt in my soul:

Nothing is ever a man’s fault. Nothing is ever MY FAULT. Making someone at fault is to tie them up with chains, because you’re trying to control them and push them in to a corner. Do you really want to do that to a man? Or to yourself?

This doesn’t mean you don’t take responsibility -not at all. You should always take responsibility.

But by responsibility I mean CARING for your man, and caring for yourself. That’s what responsibility is. It’s caring.

BLAMING and saying someone is at FAULT is just a LIE. Would you go to the police office and say you murdered someone, when you didn’t? Would you lie like that?

No?

Well, don’t lie and blame yourself or a man. Make it a policy that there is no pointing fingers at his hurtful actions, or at yours.

It’s only a way to make yourself feel secure when you feel like you are not good enough inside.

When I was much younger, I used to blame people – my parents, my man, myself – until I realised –

1) I was actually a miserable, angry wreck by doing that; and

2) I was lying to myself. Thinking it was everyone’s responsibility to make me feel better.

That rarely ever comes, and if it did, if someone did say that to me, I wouldn’t feel good anyway. It’d last 5 minutes and then I’d be back to my miserable, blaming self.

Anyway, back to my point:

You can’t claim to LOVE someone and blame them.

Simple.

Just like Nelson Mandela said: “Blame is drinking the poison and expecting your enemy to Die.”

Coming from a man who came out of prison, being falsely imprisoned for 27 YEARS. If he can say that, if he can have that viewpoint after everything he went through, so can you.

After all, you probably haven’t had people come along and falsely imprison you.

So there’s another thing about this:

You have to believe what you’re saying.

Don’t get up after reading this email and go: “oh YES! A way to trick him in to listening to me talk about how he shouldn’t have done this – and how he was WRONG to do that!”

Don’t do that. Don’t be a loser like that.

Don’t search your memory bank for all the things he should not have done that other time at that place when this happened and that happens. Unless you enjoy being a low value woman.

What you SHOULD do is express what you’re actually feeling. Which is usually something like anger, hurt, sadness, guilt, lonely and scared.

If you stop for a minute and think, you’ll realise that is the truth of it all. It doesn’t matter how much he has hurt you or how much you have hurt him or how much your ex hurt you – the truth is still in your actual feelings at the moment.

Anger is anger. Fear is fear. (read my article about fear of being alone)

What to Say to Him Next…

A word of warning when you say this simple sentence to him:

When you do this, it’s possible that he will do something that frustrates you. Something like this:

Which is, offer suggestions of what you can DO, even  after you’ve expressed that you’re simply feeling scared or lonely.

For example, if you say: “I feel lonely”, and he says something insensitive along the lines of:

“Well, why don’t you just call your best friend Sally?”

Or “Why don’t you go out and make some new friends?”

If he does that, say this (again, in a genuine way, DO NOT say it if you don’t truly believe it. Wait until you really feel it inside before you say it. You’ll be pleased with yourself if you do.)

“Thanks, I love that you’re so willing to go out of your way to help me – but you know, there’s actually nothing to be fixed here. It’s just my feelings as they are, and my feelings will pass as quickly as they came. I know that sounds crazy, maybe it’s just because I’m a woman and we’re naturally crazy, but there’s actually nothing to be fixed right now.

This might make him laugh or smile.

It might mean he’ll look at you with this confused look on his face. Whatever.  At least you get to feel more in control of your communications with him.

Tired of misunderstanding with your man?

So go ahead, and use it, and also let me know how you go!

-XxX-

Also! Share your thoughts on this article with me below. I look forward to hearing from you. 

 

renee-wade

 

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42 Comments on "How to Talk to a Man in a Way that Won’t Make him Pull Away and Go Cold"

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C Shell Pugh
Guest

Thank you so much for your insight… I paraphrased your words to fit my my situation and emotions and it worked beautifully. I got the assurance I needed and feel much better. I’ve been reading a lot of your posts and feel like I am understanding men so more. Thank you so much

Marcie Hoffman
Guest

I just tried this and it worked. We were fighting n I lost control of my emotions and flipped out pretty bad. I googled this topic and calmly said the words and believed them. Thank you for this, I feel better. He spoke to me and seemed to understand that I just wanted to let him know I’m upset and its not him or pointed at him, I’m just a woman who went bat shit crazy for few minutes 😉

Renee Wade
Guest

Wonderful Marcie! 🙂 🙂

adi
Guest

what if you hear from reliable sources that he is cheating on you? how do you deal with that? and will a player man ever change and be committed?

Auriel Synn
Guest

I’m interested in the reply you get. My situation is more of he has and may still be.

Fran Mirren
Guest
I do agree that men are like 12 year olds when it comes to emotional maturity…but why is it that all the “self help” articles I read state that it’s the WOMAN’S job to customize her ways in order for the man not to go cold and childish on her? Why is it frowned upon at the mere idea of a man being more emotionally mature? I mean, if I want to keep my bf from MAKING me break up with him, I have to do all the work. That doesn’t seem right. And trust me, I’ve tried all the… Read more »
He Mim
Guest

I think, that ‘diplomacy’ should be the keyword in communication, especially with people who are wired a bit differently than we are… Not pointing and blaming to the other, and also accepting our own part in things.

saksham
Guest
hey!! i just read your article, and i’m genuinly pleased… AND at EASE.. I think i never tried to understand him in this way before.. I had a good laugh a couple of time when i found that you’ve written exactly what happens whenever we have an argument and i go on and on about it.. I’m actually feeling bad for my poor man right now!!he really must get confused when i go all crazy on him!! After reading this now I’ll be more considerate of him.. And yes.. its not his fault.. haha.. I love him even more right… Read more »
Seroun
Guest

What do you say after those paragraphs if the feelings are coming from something he isn’t or is doing which makes you feel that way? Don’t you wanna get it fixed? Wouldn’t it confuse him if you bring it up and then say the feeling will pass as if it isn’t important? Renee

cat
Guest
i feel now so much stressed with this guy i met just for sex.. we’ve known each other around half an year but he recently broke up with his ex gf from long term relationship(in march) and he wanted to have fun with me (in july).. i accepted his offer and now i suffer cause i want something more.. at first i didn’t know i want more with him cause i felt sexually desired by him but after time goes, i didn’t feel that much desire from him.. based on texting… and i wrote him two weeks ago i realized… Read more »
Staci
Guest
I love everything talked about here but how about the MEN taking the time to understand the women they claim to love? We want to be validated within our own feelings and it seems as though most men don’t know how to do this. When my boyfriend goes all day without reaching for me via a call or a simple text, I don’t feel very loved and nurtured and I have let him know this many times, not in a blaming way, but in a loving way. I’d say I feel invisible and disconnected from you when you go all… Read more »
Tess
Guest

Renee,

I’m hoping you can take the time to respond. In an earlier comment Tiff stated:

“Say you want to express your hurt over something he did or said. How is it possible to do it in a manner where he doesn’t feel blamed, when his actions are the direct cause of the hurt in the first place (however unintentional)?”

This is such a valid point. How do we approach this?

N.R
Guest

I was wondering about the same thing as well! How can we express our feelings more wisely, when it is caused directly from the man? Really hope you’ll share some thoughts on this!

trillviaplath
Guest

Is there a reason why she refuses to acknowledge any of the other comments on here spanning two+ years, esp this one? Or is this simple question overestimated to be worthy of a hundred-odd-dollar coaching fee? Smh.

Fakhra
Guest
Hey Rene, i just read the article, and i am planning to change my views in how i should talk to my man. we have know eachother for 6 years on and off, and the past couple of months was amazing together. but he is married now and i always feel im second. the past week we have been distant, he has been pulling himself away (i read that article too) now i understand what he means by his actions thanks to you. i also mistakingly tried to explain how i feel, and he just didnt get me. 3 days… Read more »
sarah
Guest
He’s married, you are second, you will always be second to him. He already chose #1. You make yourself so low value being with someone that is a) not valuing you, and b) not valuing his wife. Do the right thing and get out. No matter what you feel he is not going to chose you ( he’s known you for 6 years, but still picked her over you). Part of me feels angry that you could do that to this woman, but the other part of me feels really sorry for you, please try and work on loving yourself.… Read more »
Joan
Guest

I’m stuck on this one too. I tried to tell him I don’t blame him then out pops my accusation. But I made the accusation in a very nice way. Still didn’t work.

Gracie Decker
Guest

I finally had an occasion to use this.. I was just so overwhelmed with my feelings that I just sat down and told him straight up “I’m not angry at you. I’m not blaming you. But this situation right now.. I feel scared.” I couldn’t believe the reaction from him I got, it made me cry I was so happy.

Yasinta
Guest
Hi Renee, I know this is an old post and I’ve read it before and had tried the trial and erorr as well. Here’s what I want to ask or get clarity, as said in the begining of the post that we’re woman need to know where the relationship going. I can see how the sentences you teach in this post does overcome his fear for being blamed, and show our love and understanding where he is at. but when down to the next sentence to say, what I captured is in this case you show us how to express… Read more »
Diane Scott
Guest
I am married and have been for 23yrs, my husband seem to be pulling away. I really don’t understand it and why but it is happening and I pray that everything will be ok. I love my husband very much and since I’ve read this article I have come to a realization that communication has a lot to do with it and knowing that he is not as emotional as I am. We are in our 50’s now and many things have changed for the both of use. We got married when we were in our 30’s and wanted to… Read more »
idealistic
Guest
Renee,I wont be tired of saying it, I follow you here and on Facebook, you’re one dearly wise woman! I look after you because is my intention to heal from my insecurities and become the best woman that I already know I can be. Im smart, caring, funny, etc. I just need to learn how to communicate to a man and it costed me a promising relationship, being impulsive, saying words out of fears, If i could go back I would have changed that but, i wouldnt have learnt, i wouldnt have experience, sometimes we learn through pain and believe… Read more »
Catherine
Guest

and then also, we are just supposed to say our feelings? not why we are feeling that way?

Catherine
Guest
Hi Renee, I love your article. Im just confused on one thhing though. I totally pull the whole talk and talk because they aren’t saying anything, but sometimes because they hurt me I do want or expect an apology and that’s another reason why I keep trying to explain myself. How do I not blame , like I know they didn’t intentionally do it…but I want them to recognize that what they did was hurtful or is bothering me. And what if they feel they have done nothing wrong? I guess my question is how is someone not to be… Read more »
Anna
Guest

I love this article, thank you.

Arabella
Guest

Another tip I’d like to add is to show appreciation for him listening to you albeit a simple thank you, a smile, or a kiss on the cheek. Appreciation is very important and not a lot of guys get that.

kiki
Guest

will this work after i yelled at him after 3 weeks about him not making effort with me?

“Hey, it’s not your fault, and I’m not blaming you, because nothing is EVER your fault, but because I love you/because I respect you, I feel it’s important to let you know that I feel [insert authentic feelings ie: anger, scared, fearful, hurt, sad, out of control]“.

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