So what if somebody finally says you’re hot?

Are you happy?

If so, for how long?

Do we have to upload a tonne of photos of ourselves posing in every humanly possible position in our bathroom on to Facebook to get to this point of being labelled hot? Or to prove something?

Or what about wear as little as is possible to snare attention from men that is only given because the amount of skin color glaring at them is more than the amount of covered area on your body?

So what if a bunch of men out at a party tell you you’re the hottest woman of the night?

By the way, who are these men, and what are their intentions with you?

Be careful. Don’t get hooked.

Attention can be cheap.

Women who always get hooked are cheap.

Think of Tiger Woods’ mistresses as an example. He’s rich, he’s famous, he’s powerful and he has influence. And he’s highly ‘sought after’. Why not, right? I mean c’mon, what woman in her right mind would pass up a night (or 100) with Tiger Woods? Gee, I couldn’t even fathom what woman would!

‘Attention’ from one from the world’s most famous athletes is worth gold, isn’t it?

Oh and then why not tell the whole world you got a piece of him?

Hot vs True Radiance

Sure, all of us would like to be considered hot, and all of us should take good care of ourselves and be healthy so that we look as great as we deserve and feel as good as we deserve to feel.

But to have being considered hot as your goal?

What about doing something that matters?

One day, your body will age – usually sooner than you’d like. Then what?

Plastic surgery?

Lip injections?

Facelifts? To continue the cycle of considered-to-be hotness? (read my article about lasting youthfulness and radiance)

Hotness and Happiness

If someone finally says you’re hot, will that truly make you happy?

There are tonnes of beautiful, gorgeous, sexy women in the world (famous or not). We are bombarded with tonnes of these picture every day. And by the way, hot sexy women in Hollywood get built up, and teared down, all the time.

What the world is really lacking is not hot, sexy women who are willing to “put themselves out there”. What the world is lacking is truly attractive and radiant women whose genuine happiness and energy is a gift to all.

What will really touch people, and more importantly – what will really touch your own life – is your radiance. Your happiness. True radiance is beautiful in every sense of the word.

What you really need

Strive for radiance; for giving a gift through your beauty, and your femininity in all it’s forms, not just to be considered the ‘hottest’.

When would now be a good time to realize what would truly make you happy?

Our culture – the media, the news – tries every possible way to get women to live in fear. Most of us have been influenced, even brainwashed, to harbor the belief that being the hottest will get you happiness.

We’re fed daily – even hourly (even without our permission) – pictures, videos, “news reports” on “the most beautiful women in the world”, as if it means everything. Who cares? At least if we take on the belief that that is true, the cosmetic companies can sell more and the media can cash in on your fears.

Is being hot really the goal, or is true radiance the goal? Where your radiance, and your high level of self-value and your beautiful feminine energy, happiness and compassion will touch everyone you come in contact with?

Then, being hot is the icing on the cake. And being called hot will be cheap in comparison to the feeling of touching others, and inspiring others with your genuine radiance. (read my article about how to be feminine)

Disclaimer: this is not an article about “not worrying about your appearance because brains are more important than beauty”. No. How you look is very important. I believe every woman should take great pride in how she presents herself.

But does your life revolve around getting that piece of attention and being called the hottest?

Does it revolve around getting cheap attention from men?

If it is, you have a hell of a lot of pain ahead of you.

So, do you really want to be the hottest? Or is what you really need to love and be loved? To worship a man and be worshipped by a man? To gift yourself and others with radiance and happiness?

I will venture to say that the media (and other things) has lied to you. It’s influenced you to think that what you need to do is be the most significant and sexiest girl, but that’s not what you really need.

Don’t get hooked. What we want and what makes us happy are two very different things.

So, don’t get hooked. Don’t be cheap, and don’t sell yourself short to some ‘attention’.

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  • jasmin

    And, as for men who only what you as arm candy—NEXT!! The man you want is the one who listens to you, laughs at your jokes, and thinks you look great with no makeup and bad hair. Eliminate the man who doesn’t pay attention when you are talking about something other than HIM .

  • jasmin

    @deanna,

    You’re only 24? OMG, you’re still a baby! I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. You have many years of beauty left. If you are not getting the attention that you once did , look DEEPLY inside yourself. That physical beauty is still there, but it is being smothered by self doubt. That’s the vibe your sending out now, and that’s what people are responding (or not responding) to.

    Otherwise, I can totally relate to what you are saying. I was a model and I had to fight to keep myself grounded in that business. There are three things that really helped: 1. I’m more the Audrey Hepburn girl next door than the super hottie type. 2. I was a funny looking, awkward kid that grew into a swan. Consequently, I’ve never taken my looks for granted. Heck, I STILL think I’m kind of funny looking. 3. Both of my parents were extraordinarily good looking, but they focused far more on inner developing inner grace and beauty.

    I don’t think that men expect beautiful women to be perfect. In fact, the opposite is true. Men love for women to relax and be ourselves and to accept our imperfections.They want beautiful women to be kind, to accept and love men for who they are. I other words, they want beautiful women to be like any other woman. Physical beauty for them is the cherry on top. I believe that women who know this (and who also take impeccable care of themselves) can become even MORE alluring as they get older. How to explain the current cougar phenomenon? These women are catching and keeping much younger men because they have come to terms with their beauty ( which they’ve maintained) and they UNDERSTAND and empathize with men.

    I totally agree that it can be difficult to maintain friendships with women if you are better looking than they are. I really don’t know the answer to that, except that I avoid women who are toxic and competitive. I don’t have a great need for female companionship, anyway. I’ve had the same two close female friends for my adult life.

    I find that as I get older I must be as aware of growing as a human being and working on my personality as I am of working on my looks. Having empathy and compassion hasn’t always come naturally to me. As a radiance and beauty booster, these two traits can’t be beat! I must also sometimes step outside of myself and not worry too much about how I look or how I’m coming across. It is very hard, but doing this helps me focus on the other person and read their feelings ( and motives)

    Physical beauty can be a great gift.IMO, but only if you are truly happy and accepting of yourself and all of your imperfections

  • deanna

    forgive me for saying: being hot sucks. I don’t want to sound like a boaster, but I’m really tall, really thin, and have a pretty symmetrical face- which means people are aways telling me how good looking I am, how I should be a model, etc.And most of my friends are really good looking too. (Male and female). And most of us have a really hard time maintaining a relationship.

    I have plenty of my own issues, but part of the reason my relationships often don’t last is that guys see me, and they THINK that they want to be with me, but they don’t know me. Then, when they get to know me, they’re extra dissappointed because I’m not as perfect as they thought I should be- and they are disillusioned.

    I also have a hard time making friends. It’s really disappointing to try to develop a friendship with someone, male or female, and a little while in something that they do or say is like a slap in the face when you suddenly realise that they have no interest in you, the just want to sleep with you. Or show you off. And it sucks when people don’t care what books you’ve read or your opinions on important issues- they just want you to be pretty and not disturb their image of you.

    There’s another thing too. When I was younger, people always told me how pretty, hot I was, etc. I used to have strangers stop me in the street to complement my looks fairly regularly. But as I get older, that’s happening less and less. I used to be really pretty, and I’m not anymore. But I don’t have very good social skills and I’m so used to being able to “cute” my way out of responsibilities that my life is a huge mess compared to a lot of my friends’. So now people don’t care about me very much, and I don’t really know how to cope. Every day I feel like I’m fighting this battle to keep what I had, but every day I loose a little more. It gets harder and harder to do my life. I feel really depressed about my body aging, etc, and whenever I see women who are really gorgeous (especially if they’re younger than me), I feel like crap, and super jealous.

    I compare myself to other women all the time- not just whether they’re prettier than me, but whether or not they’re a threat. My self-esteem has damaged a lot of my relationships. If the only worthwhile thing that I have is my looks, and at 24 they’re already on their way out (our culture worships yout), then what do I have? What am I worth?

    I don’t want this to sound like a pity party. More like a warning. Especially if you have pretty daughters. Don’t pamper them and spoil them, and encourage their talents, not just their looks.

    • antonia

      dear deanna,

      i am so sorry to hear your story. to help, i want you to try a little experiment for a week. everyday, get dressed but don’t focus on whether others will find you attractive in such and such an outfit with your hair in a certain way just get dressed for you. don’t think in terms of trying to look pretty for others but for yourself. what do you think? and feel about you? i want you to focus on what your favorite (non physical) qualities that you like about yourself: your kindness, your humor, your intelligence, etc. make a list. and every time you feel bad about yourself because you don’t feel attractive to other people i want you to repeat to yourself (until its automatic and you know its true cause it is :): “i am a great person because i am (add the non-physical quality from your list you made).” the reason you feel bad about yourself is because you are constantly getting yourself esteem from what other people think and feel about you based on your physical appearance, and are internalizing it. don’t do that. focus on what you feel and think about yourself, your positive (non-physical qualities). when you are out in the world forget about what you look like and peoples response to your physical appearance. enjoy the moment. if you do those things your negative feelings about yourself will diminish. i promise.

    • Hoi

      Dear deanna,

      This response comes six years too late, but maybe you’ll still read this. I want to give you a big hug!

      Like you said, as a society we give a woman’s beauty a lot of value, but nothing deteriorates faster. I struggle with this daily too. That’s why if I ever am to have a daughter, I will say to her: ‘Be as smart as you are beautiful’. Meaning, have other traits that you can give beside your appearance. Kindness, compassion, grit, resilience, vulnerability, warmth. Intelligence, guts, wit. Any display of character. Take pride in your beauty, but don’t rely on it. If you don’t have beauty left, you must rely on other things that can STILL make us feel beautiful inside! I would also tell her, do not manipulate, sexualize or bat-your-eyelashes through life (or jobs). We don’t need this. Besides, believe me when I say that people (good and ‘bad’ looking friends, colleagues, family) will appreciate genuine effort and merit instead of the easy way. I’m saying this ’cause I was an ugly duckling as a teenager and I had to rely on other traits than physical appearance. I was (and still am) envious of good looking people who seem to have it easy. At the end of the day, all that matters is how you make people feel.

      Anyway, hope this helps 😅

      [/end rant]

  • jasmin

    Here is a perfect example of the limits of “hotness.” This quote is from hip hop star Kanye West regarding his breakup with “hottie” Amber Rose:

    “Yeah man, it was an amazing time and it came to an end,” West said. “One of the greatest things that she showed me was just to be a nicer person because she was so disconnected from the concept of celebrity when I first met her…A celebrity could be talking to people crazy and everyone’s used to it at the label like, ‘He’s wildin’ out. It doesn’t matter.’ [Amber] be like, ‘What?! You just talked to your fans so crazy right now. I’m not even talking to you right now.’ … I grew from that. I think that was the greatest growth that I got from that experience…My goal in life is to really have an amazing woman and have a family, but I think I had to go through these different things to grow…That was a one-off…I’m not trying to dive into anything unless I really, really think that I can marry this person. I look at this person and I say, ‘This is how I want my daughter to be.'”

    Forget the “she taught me to be nicer” part. That’s just a smokescreen. It’s the last part of the quote about what he’s REALLY looking for that tells the story.”My goal in life is to really have an amazing woman and have a family, but I think I had to go through these different things to grow…”

    Nobody could be “hotter” than Amber Rose, but clearly her hotness wasn’t enough to keep Kanye interested. Bottom line, AMAZING does not equal HOT. And, even a jaded hip hop superstar wants a woman who he feels can raise his children properly.THIS is what men are subconsciously, biologically programmed to do.

    • Renee

      Thank You Jasmin. You are awesome. xoxo

  • jasmin

    @jayla,

    I think that we all understand the importance of physical attractiveness. Saying that, how come Halle Berry, Naomi Campbell, Jennifer Anniston, Tyra Banks, Elle McPherson, and a number of non famous beautiful women I know cannot for the life of them keep a man? Being hot is great, but it guarantees nothing except superficial attention from men. It’s different when men are judging women they’ve only seen in magazines or movies. That’s pure fantasy. But, if we are in a real, everyday relationship with a man, we’d better have something else going on other that “hotness” or we will not hold his interest for respect for long. Should we strive to look our absolute best, SURE. Should we believe that looks are all that men judge us on, NO. They may make a lot of noise over “hot” women, but most men are smarter than that when it comes to seriously choosing a mate they have to live with everyday..

  • jayla

    People need to understand that women are valued based on their physical appearance………….as long as a woman is beautiful or has a nice body, she will always get attention………….lol men go crazy over a woman that looks attractive to them………..in our society the exterior is ten times more important than the interior…………..Its shallow, but thats the way life is

    • JP

      Wrong. Women are not valued based on their physical appearance. People who place value on appearances alone are shallow… but that is NOT just the way life is… the whole world does not operate this way. If what your saying is true a woman could be a rocket scientist or Mother Teresa herself but if she is ugly she has absolutely no value in life. This is just absurd. Please re-evaluate your views of life… don’t be one of the shallows.

      • Angie

        JP: It’s not right, but it’s unfortunately true–at least in the US. Women are very often judged by their appearance–if they’re pretty and perfect, they can and do have more opportunities than those who are “regular.” And forget it if you’re overweight or less attractive. You CAN prove yourself, but it’s definitely more difficult for “imperfect” women. As Jayla said, it’s shallow, but it really is the way our society can be, at least sometimes.

        This is not to say that society doesn’t value “less attractive” women, just that they’re quicker to give an “attractive” woman a chance to prove themselves. There have been many studies done on this stuff.

        • JP

          Well, I do agree with most of what you are saying. Attractive women do seem have an advantage in some ways. But a woman’s VALUE is not based on appearance alone. Is she favored? treated differently? Catered to? Sometimes… but I would not say her real worth and value are placed there… only like you said by truly shallow people. Attractive women have to deal with problems bc of their looks too. They are often not taken seriously and assumed to be stupid or stuck up and bitchy. Other women often look for any reason to dislike them. It’s a double edged sword.

          I think appearances do show how much you take care of yourself. You don’t have to be drop dead gorgeous to be neatly groomed and look nice. I think that’s were the overweight thing may be judged unfairly sometimes. People assume that overweight people just don’t take care of themselves… while this may often be the case, there are also many medical or genetic reasons too.

  • jasmin

    Brilliant, Renee! The amazing thing is that, YES, males respond to physical attractiveness. BUT– when it is coupled with true radiance, health and happiness, they respond tenfold. It doesn’t matter what male it is; the butcher, the UPS guy, a CEO or a kindergarten student. They will buzz around you like bees.

    • jasmin

      The sad thing is that Facebook is FILLED to the BRIM with young women who are so desperate for attention that they are willing to make fools of themselves by posting provocative photos and comments. Our culture is so media driven today ( “hottest” lists, askmen.com, People Magazine’s”most beautiful people list, etc.” Young women feel that they must push this aspect of femininity to the limit.

      We sell men short when we do this. They are far more sensitive to the “inner glow” factor than we realize.

      • Renee

        Thanks lovely Jasmin 🙂

        Yes, Facebook is filled to the brim with stuff like that. It’s a magnifier – a magnifier of insecurities that already exist inside many, and if you act cheap, or are just out to get some attention, it shows in a second.

        And for sure, not only do we sell ourselves short, we are also selling men short.

        A merely ‘hot’ woman is one thing – but meeting a woman who they are compelled to take care of is a whole other world. 🙂

        Nonetheless, appearance is of course, important. It signals a lot of things to men. But you can always tell when a woman is just seeking cheap attention, compared to a beautiful and hot woman who actually has value to add.

        Thanks for your valuable contributions.

        xoxo

        • jasmin

          Yes, the key is to work for both–your very best appearance and your inner radiance. It’s a powerhouse combination!

  • VolleyGirl

    I agree, I don’t consider calling a woman “hot ” a compliment!

  • Jen

    Yesss! This is great. Excellent job Renee.

  • JP

    I know women who have become addicted to attention from men. They live to hear someone come on to them or tell them how hot or sexy they are. It is cheap… kinda pathetic really. Very superficial and unfulfilling. I feel sorry for these women because somehow they think that all their value is in the way the look. This is sooooo misplaced! Develop your value deeper than whats on the surface! Its great to be attractive and to take care of your outer appearance, but please do NOT stop there! Dig deep and become a whole well rounded person.

    Btw when it comes to compliments I’d much rather they be about my personality, intelligence, or my character. Don’t get me wrong, I also enjoy hearing about my looks, but even so I prefer to be called beautiful, pretty, or even cute rather than hot or sexy. I’ve been called all of those things, and when the compliment is more about my body than by face it doesn’t feel quite as good to me. It feels a little cheap in comparison.

  • Stephenie

    Funny thing is I only ever wanted to be called ‘hot’ by one man in my life. Whoever I am with at the time. The best comment I can make on your article is a poem I read once but do not know the author [if anyone does please tell me who, thanks].

    I am looking for a guy who calls me beautiful instead of hot, who calls me back when I hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to my heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch me sleep. Waiting for the man who kisses my forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when I am in sweats. Who holds my hand in front of his friends, who thinks I am just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding me of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have ME. The one who turns to his friends and says, “that’s her”. Who knows what integrity, honesty and manners are without using a dictionary.

    Great article. I think it would behoove us to know more about the person the compliment is coming from than the words themselves. I think the person gives meaning to the words more so than the words themselves sometimes. 🙂

    Stephenie

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