“If the woman is being stupid and he’s being a jerk admit to both. It’s as if you’re were siding with the guy.”

“Blame the men from time to time.”

“Men are wrong, too!”

I hear these statements from hurt and frustrated women from time to time.

This letter is to you if you have ever felt like you are being asked to do ALL the work in a relationship with a man.

(Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

This letter is also to you if you have ever felt like men need to take more responsibility for their actions in relationships.

Here’s what I want to say to you –

All that is irrelevant. How much men do or don’t do is irrelevant. Men won’t necessarily admit they were wrong when you demand it of them anyway. They will possibly resist it. Because you’re just wanting your own significance over him.

And the same goes for men, trying to blame women.

Blame encourages weak Commitment – or pushes him away

Blaming doesn’t usually get the result you want. Sometimes it does. But he would likely be correcting his actions out of guilt and fear, than out of true devotion to you.

What you say you want is for men to DO more in relationships, or to take responsibility, but what you are really doing is using this statement to try to protect yourself from feeling your pain.

It’s armour.

It’s fake and it attracts a man only on a superficial level. If you have this pattern of blocking everything out in many other areas of your life, this could be the very reason that you are not finding a man who is willing to take care of you – because you’ll only let people in so far.

It’s completely OK to be Angry

Sometimes, when we are angry, we just want the other person to take responsibility, so that we don’t have to feel like we have failed.

Sometimes, it feels BETTER and safer to make CERTAIN everyone else knows where HE went wrong, and where he should have done more to keep the relationship, because you tried so hard.

BUT do you understand that your frustration that you felt the very first moment he ever frustrated you or ANGERED you, is actually ok?

Do you know that it’s actually ok to feel that anger? And not suppress it for so long that it ends up coming out as blame and trying to suppress others because you have felt that your feelings were suppressed in the past?

After a while, when you spend too much time pleasing and trying to be nice to men….your pain over unexpressed REAL feelings comes out as blame. What else can you do right? Other than to take a jab at another person? Preferably the man you were with?

Can you actually express your anger to men?

NOW – whether you should express that anger or not to a man depends on what stage you are at in dating. And it depends whether you have both proved your value to each other or not. Those are the specific, tricky questions I try to give answer to in my programs.

Maybe you just don’t trust him enough yet. In which case, express by yourself, to yourself, or with a trusted friend or parent or pet.

If it were me, I tend to go with expressing over not expressing. It made me lose one or two men, but it brought the right man; my husband, closer to me.

Click here to know how to stay high value when when he pulls away

Wearing the Armour of BLAME

Maybe what we want when we blame isn’t a man. Maybe what we want is retribution? Which is fair. But it’s not infinite. It’s not loving. Which is what your heart truly desires.

The armour that we wear….it’s Fake.

Fake attracts fake. A man may give up on you because the armour is too much – what’s the use in taking care of you if you won’t even let him? It doesn’t matter how vulnerable you feel on the INSIDE, it doesn’t add any value when you show up in your relationships with all this armour.

When was the last time you truly surrendered to your pain, instead of pulling away from a man?

When was the last time you truly surrendered to your pain and your hurt, instead of talking residue from your past to your girlfriends – which hurts them, too?

The Armour – It Keeps you Single

And it’s the exact armour that keeps you single, on your own, angry, and afraid of growing old alone.

I understand, it WOULD be nice to have a man who is willing to not walk away from you and actually BE there for you when you’re at your worst, every once in a while. I know, I have been there, and it is the most terrifying, frustrating thing in the world. All you want is some security that he understands and is not going to leave you or hate you for having needs.

But BLAMING men, or A man, is simply old stuff from your past

OR

It’s the refusal to surrender to your own fear that you failed and are not enough.

(NEWS: Feeling like a failure is ok. No matter how many times you fail, you are not a FAILURE, it doesn’t define who you are, because you are infinite, and you can start living that at any time and decide to change from fearing failure to welcoming failure so that you can move on, and become better, more open and more sensual).

Plus…what you think of as FAILURE, could be someone else’s idea of courage.

So when would now be a good time to feel what you really feel, rather than blame?

You are ageing…

I don’t know if you have any loving, beautiful children, I don’t know how stunning you might be, but none of it matters, because everything you have or gain is eventually lost. Time takes children away. Time steals your looks. Time steals your reproductive capabilities. Quicker than you’d want to acknowledge.

Time grinds away at your joints, your bones, and you start to regenerate less. You’ll be an old woman soon.

One day soon, you and I will both be old, wrinkly women, sipping our tea and even having urinating accidents. Possibly talking in circles. Which I already do, anyway.

BUT…

Do you want to be old AND alone?

Or would you rather grow old AND have infinite love in your life?

You don’t even have to have a man to have infinite love in your life. You can have that now, if you feel your anger and pain until it’s done.

Then your body will relax and you’ll flow.

I rather have urinating accidents AND a man to support me through them, and still see me as his princess.

The only way to have that is to DROP the urge to blame and start being the real you.

The real you invites a man in, it signals to him that you are open to him, and that openness signals a little bit of loyalty to him, which opens him more and makes him trust you more and want you more.

But the blame….the retribution that we want to gain only pushes people away. In fact, it scares people.

Signs you are wearing a lot of Armour – so men can’t be let in

Have you ever said any of these things? It’s a sign you might wear armour and that it is naturally pushing men away.

“I’m in my 30s or 40s, but I don’t look my age!!”

“He left me, but I’m pretty and all my friends tell me I’m attractive”

“why should us women be the ones to make the men comfortable? Two people in a relationship.. both need to make an effort to understand one another.”

– “All the good men are taken.”

– “Men are so weak these days”

“That girl is pretty, BUT…”

If you find yourself saying these things, know that it is not wrong to say them.

It’s just a way we protect ourselves, it’s a veil, to stop us from feeling our own anguish.

Anguish will always find You…

Anguish might make you angry, but I am sorry to tell you that you must feel anguish in order to attract a good man. If the extent of your emotional depth as a woman stops at the above statements, if you’re that superficial all the time, and no man ever sees, hears, and feels your yearning or your pain, then you don’t get a commitment because he is not being allowed in.

It’s not your fault – it’s simply a pattern of survival. I know a lot of people seem to make feelings wrong. But it’s usually a lots less than the number you’ve made up in your own head. People are more ok with honest expression that we anticipate.

For sure, you shouldn’t let nasty, mean, callous men in. But most men want to do good. Admit that to yourself.

Use it as a mantra or something. Mantras are a reasonable start.

They won’t make a real difference in the quality of men you attract, because a mantra is only a verbal statement. What makes a difference is you acknowledging your own pattern of avoiding the pain of perceived failure, avoiding the pain of anguish, avoiding the pain of guilt, and avoiding the pain of not feeling like you are enough.

And there IS a lot of anguish you might still have over past failed relationships. It’s ok to feel it.

It’s ok to not feel it as well, and chant that ‘MEN need to take more responsibility for THEIR actions in a relationship!”

Do you have thousands of questions about men? Find the answer in our program Understanding Men, click here to find your answers.

You can keep doing that. Nobody will stop you.

But I don’t put blame on men because I don’t even put blame on women.

Blame is a pattern we have within our actions before we enter any relationship, so you see blame everywhere, because that is a regular part of your world. You read something, you feel blamed. You feel angry.

FAULT doesn’t EXIST

But nothing has ever been your fault. Fault doesn’t exist. It is a notion we use and your loved ones use to protect their own selves from their own pain. It was never about you, even if you were an abuse victim. You couldn’t defend yourself, just as I couldn’t as a child, and that’s not right, but you need to know NOW that you were never to blame, and you never did anything wrong.

So there is no need to make men wrong just so YOU feel less wrong. That’s a form of abuse.

Depth of Character is Key

Having the courage to feel makes you real. And when you’re real, you have depth that invites a man in further. To take care of you. Not just to skim the surface and take some casual sex from you.

At the end of the day, wishing and hoping men would take more responsibility will hurt you. It blocks you from finding your dream man.

Because you’re actually just angry at men from yesterday. Or Yesteryear. And that residue passes on and is sensed by other new men you might meet, UNLESS it is expressed openly in terms of your true open heart, raw feelings.

(Click here to take the quiz on “How Feminine Am I Actually?”)

What you refuse to feel, you will continue to confront. Repeatedly.

So instead of trying to shift ‘blame’ on to men (which invites superficial commitment AND can be a form of abuse), tell us here, what is it that you really feel? You are safe to express it here. Swearing and cursing permitted.

It’s good to practice this in a safe space.

Love,

Renee

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63 Comments

  • Super Janice says:

    Ms. Renee is getting old…but I am only 18 years old (born in June 1998)…When was she born?

  • Star says:

    I feel this after I read this I stopped and let the pain Im putting at bay about my divorce come over me again. Im for the most part healing, thank God but Im still hurting inside in that I so badly want to find the right guy. I used to date any guy who liked me because I figured if they liked me they would treat me right, man did I get burned this time. I’m so scared and so guarded this time, I’m speaking to someone who seems genuinely nice and therein lies the problem, I want to work through my fears and hoping this isn’t a rebound since the worst of my days post divorce when I did want to go all out off the rails have gone by I’m hoping I’m being serious this time. I want to find someone I like and feel actual care and love for as a person as they are and someone who likes me past the initial looks and excitement of having a new woman in their life stage, at that stage they think you can do no wrong, but we do. I want someone who loves the mean me, the cranky stressy depressed me and I want to be able to care about him when he’s at his worst or stressed or pulling away without freaking out and threatening to leave him (I’m really good at that).

  • Joan says:

    I always go to your blog when I’m having trouble navigating through my relationship. It’s not that I blame him for things. I have trouble being open and so I keep things to myself. I’m sure to him this looks bitchy. I can’t help it, it was my upbringing and hard to escape from. I told him this and he is not understanding, so I’m back here.

    Fear of abandonment has always been a big problem for me. If he hates me for something I say or do, or walks away from me forever. Its just this constant risk. I don’t take for granted anything. That’s what is going on inside, and I am stuck again. I know, feel it all. I just had to post tonight, makes me feel better somehow.

  • Kathy says:

    Hi Renee
    I really love all your blogs even I still make mistake after reading them, haha. I guess I am too impulsive and no patient. I just cut off with some one I love. Some one I feel so much with and just want to love him no matter how long I can have. And I rejected some one who willing to committ and take care of me even he knows I was in love with some one else. We just remain good friends after I rejected him. But recently I found the one I love has his profile up online and even he said want to see me again, but when I decide to go back to see him, he was silent. So I asked him again, and he just talked about something else, busy work ,family stuffs. I got angry and said something like “I guess that’s the answer,so remind me of my ex, I prefer direct and clear but I guess it makes you feel better for yourself”. And then I read this article, I relise I was being low value acting that way and blaming with anger and fear. So I wrote him an email, express all my feelings to him and say good bye because I want to move on. My hearts hurts, because I was so in love with him, but I hope I made the right decision and I want to change myself at this point so I don’t make the same mistake again.

  • Caaron says:

    OMG I am so guilty, I am constantly blaming men for making me feel bad, I am like the biggest drama queen too. Men in my life have put with my shit for years, and that’s why I am alone know. My expectations are so high, there isn’t a man in this world that could ever live up to them. I am so afraid all the time that I make people(not just men) feel miserable. I have stopped going around friends and for sure don’t go around men because I don’t have anything nice to say, I am like a major Debbie-downer. I don’t even feel like a person most of the time let alone a women. I feel like I am in hell. I feel like this karma it is what I get for expecting anything from anybody.

  • Sara says:

    Renee,
    I love all of your articles! They are so insightful and I’m so happy to see that feminine women still exist.
    I was wondering you could write an article on narcissistic men, masculine men and how to tell the difference. I have been with a masculine man for over 2 years and I’m realizing he has some narcissistic qualities. Now that I’m in love with him, it’s harder for me to see the fine line between the two. As a feminine woman, I feel that I am a giver, empathetic, caring and maybe too much…which has contributed to this. Please help!

  • kira says:

    What I’m about to say is very hard to admit, was even harder to admit to myself but I find myself insanely angry with my friend. resentful. Man after man she meets them, is apparently head over heels in love then when a better one comes around, she’s out. Now I know she has problems, things she’s running from but I can’t help this sickening sinking feeling I get. I am so livid but really, I’m just afraid. I’m scared that her and girls like her will steal them away. Will capture them before they even have a chance to notice me.

    Renee, I’m invisible an after thought. I feel untouchable and it hurts so bad because I want to be touched. I want to love and be loved. And I don’t want to have these bad thoughts about my friend. I know that the only reason I feel this way about her in the first place is because I’m unfulfilled. I know it truly has nothing to do with her. But it’s very hard to separate it, to watch it, to long for it.

    Sometimes I feel like even cheap attention would be better than what I have right now. But I don’t want cheap attention, I don’t want to sale myself short. Sometimes I’m not even sure if I deserve a good man. I’m too icky. Too angry. I want to scream and throw things. To jump up and down and punch the air. I feel aggressive. It hurts. Anger hurts beyond measure.

    Renee, what do I do with this darkness in my heart? I long to heal.

    • Mona says:

      HI Kira,

      About 20 years ago, I was exactly where you are now, including the friend who seemed to be able to have any man she wanted, only I made the mistake to go for the cheap attention. Well done that you haven’t. KEEP IT THAT WAY!!! I have been happily married for 15 years now, but those days still haunt me, and I wish I could turn back the clock and undo those things.
      Keep in mind that you are enough, and trust a couple of good men to notice that. If you feel the need to be bitter or angry, let it out in private, but when you go out, smile and think about your atrengths and assets, and always dress in a way that makes you comfortable but also feel like a woman. Keep your friendship up, but try to do things without your friend and meet new people – men and women.
      That friend of mine is 45 now and has long term relationships, but nothing for life, and no children and no family, and I’m so grateful now for my life.

      • Renee Wade says:

        Hey Mona, thanks for commenting back to Kira here. I wanted to ask you, did your now 45 year old friend ever have a conversation with you about getting married and having children? Did she say she didn’t want children at any point in your friendship?

        Did she say she wasn’t sure? Did she ever share later on that she wished she did have them? Even marriage…did she never want that?

        I wonder about the women around me who say things such as: “I don’t mind not having children” “I don’t mind not being married”…because I’ve also had conversations with them where they’ve admitted to probably having children one day or getting married ‘ONE day’..but as time goes on, they don’t seem to push for either children or marriage anyway?

        Perhaps these women don’t want it?

        Or they are afraid?

        I wonder what they really feel deep inside and whether they block out those desires to have children or get married. What do you think?

        • Mona says:

          She used to be adamant about not wanting children, said they ruined your life. I don’t know if she still feels that way, we are not in touch anymore, I moved to a different country. I have her on my facebook, but we hardly converse.
          I think most people regret not having a family once they reach their 60s at the latest. There is only so much career and partying you can do to make up for it.
          I wasn’t overly enthusiastic about having children before, but luckily my husband convinced me otherwise. In his culture not having children by choice is unthinkable.

  • Monique says:

    My step sister told me I should read your website and over the last few months I’ve read it now and again. I still haven’t had luck in the relationship department having ended two relationships in a year. I have started to look at myself and the reasons I go for insecure men and have realised that I haven’t and really don’t value myself enough to believe I’m worth better.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Monique, your step sister is lovely to refer you to a resource she enjoyed herself.

      It’s nice to have you here. I hope you find some articles that resonate with you and help you.

      Love,
      Renee.

  • Joan says:

    Gosh Renee, where have you been all my life.

    These words are comforting as it doesn’t make any of the pain wrong, but I have screwed myself over trying to be the superwoman/supermom, holding it all in and pretending to be alright. I wasn’t alright, but I had no way to fix this. Or, even know I wasn’t alright cause I was believing that bullshit.

    You have established a new sense of living for me.

  • Anca says:

    I feel i was a stupid woman because i belived that he still loves me after the break up. 3 months passed since then and i missed him so much and when we started to speak again he seemed empty and with no interest in me.
    I feel i will never find a man as i want.

    In fact, I dont have any idea about what man I want. I want him, but this man has no feelings left for me. I feel it from all my heart that he has no feelings.

    So what the fuck should I do now….Im tierd of crying because of him, but i still have tears…

    In a dream of mine i wish everything to be allright and he would find love in his soul for me. But fuck… he has no love for me.

    What remains to be done? I dont want any other man .. Will i be single? He is the man i would want to be with ….Maybe just praying to God will change something in my life now…Im dessilusioned.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Anca. I’m sorry πŸ™

      Why did you believe he still loved you and then you’re sure he doesn’t? What did he do or say to make you certain that he doesn’t?

  • seb says:

    When you first posted this, of course I was sad because it highlighted what I thought was my failure (something you address in the article). But I’ve had time to reflect and I know you’re right. One clear take-away I’ve come across in your work (and I’m paraphrasing in my own words…please forgive me if I am misinterpreting): if you love him, support him and believe in the choices he makes. Even if they feel hurtful, if you really love and believe in him at your core, even if what you’re seeing might appear hurtful, there’s a really good reason he’s doing it. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is let him go be a hunter…and be waiting to love him when he returns….and they will return if you’ve shown them real love, femininity, and nurturing.

    Thank you for being my femininity guru, Renee! You inspire and challenge me to look in my heart. You’ve changed my life! And after your most recent survey, this post changed my negative attitude and helped me drop some of my armor.

  • Khang says:

    Love this writing so so much, i cant get enough of this

  • Lalithashree P says:

    I sometimes feel, you tell the exact same thing, as my innerself is trying to tell me and I have shunned it so much that finally, when its time for me to face it, I hear it from a source called ‘Renee’. I love your work, keep doing what you have been doing.

    lots of love

    Lalithashree P

  • Marj Hahne says:

    Hi, Renee — I realize that the reason I don’t express my anger in the moment, with a man, is because I always assume that my anger is residual anger at my father and hence disproportionate to the “offense” at hand. I know I have the psychoemotional “tools” to discern my authentic, legitimately placed anger from my displaced anger, but by the time I’ve figured it all out, the moment has passed, and I’ve processed my raw feelings, and all I have left to communicate to a man is my (masculinized) intellectualization/reporting of those feelings. What’s a girl to do?

    Thanks!
    Marj

  • Crystal says:

    Renee, your writing always soothes me when I feel restless. It also helps me find the balance between feelings and actions in general. I do appreciate having a space to “vent” here and possibly receive any feedback about my comment.

    I’m the type to move on emotionally pretty easily, though there is ONE thing that has bugged me about my exes, following the typical “lying to women” pattern. However, they didn’t lie to me in order to avoid confrontation – in fact, their lies would have likely garnered MORE of a reaction from me, though luckily I saw through them at the time. It’s likely that they were said in order to “protect” their ego in some way, because they would often tell me I seemed to be joking about my interest (before I revealed how serious I actually was), but if I didn’t spot the lie I think it would have hurt! They’d say some form of “I was leading you on and you took my actions the wrong way” and then, when I didn’t react and continued with the main point of our conversation, they’d eventually admit to lying because our history didn’t add up to their words. Everything else that made me FEEL painful I forgave, but this, an action that barely registered in my heart, made me realize that guys can say “no” with their words and, if I react unpredictably, eventually show me a “yes.” I kind of worry, though not in an obsessive way. While it sounds like an excuse to continue a bad relationship, the experience of distinguishing lies from truth could be a good thing in the end.

    As for feelings…well, at this point, I’m happy that I no longer feel embarrassment as easily, although shame can still touch my heart at times. The lack of embarrassment may be a sort of armor, but I can also feel nervousness and laugh at myself after a mistake. I do feel uncertain a lot of the time about just what I can take “pride” in to truly give to a man. I also feel like I can handle this and the feeling of being out of control, although…I’m not sure about whether or not my inner persistence in relationships is a good thing, even if I can make myself happy easily.
    Gosh, most of my anger is also self-directed though. I get upset when a guy doesn’t reply to messages because one of my exes would take breaks for months (and I blamed my communication style for it), but truthfully I feel angrier at myself, deep inside, for projecting my past fears onto this relationship, and after I expel my feelings into the environment (when I’m alone), I change my mood in order to see solutions and his perspective more clearly.

    I feel though…that I don’t have enough feelings to emotionally charge a relationship. That I can’t love passionately unless we’re in emotional chaos, and even that “love” consists more of addiction than calm warmth. I haven’t felt infatuated for about a year despite being in a few relationships. Unless I’m genuinely myself all the time, laughing and happy and sassy and everything that I adore about me, the relationship starts feeling boring to both of us because I’m holding myself back. And yet because a boyfriend is still putting SO much effort and love, I can’t feel sad or angry or anything, and I feel like constantly talking about my boredom will make him feel like a failure. I’m afraid of being in power and dominating a relationship by giving the illusion of control (even though my ego craves the certainty too) because it makes everything too easy, and the emotional excitement dies. Given emotions or validation, I’d choose the former.

  • Katelyn says:

    Hi Renee! I really like this article. It makes me reflect upon my behavior in my relationships (friendships and romantic relationships). What I have noticed is that it wasn’t until I started letting some of my girlfriends into what was going on in the relationship with my man that I started becoming incredibly angry and frustrated and hurt and so many other emotions that I simply don’t have words to express, but I notice that I would be angry at my man for being hurt, like “Who the fuck do you think YOU are to be HURT to feel PAIN when you’re the one that has done this! YOU have no RIGHT to feel that pain. I HATE YOU FOR PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS!!!!”

    Reflecting on it, this was my way of blaming him and blaming other people for all my hurt, but mostly the blame fell on my man. My opinion, is that it is something that I need to work in. I’m not okay with how I blamed him, and I am trying to be more open with him despite the pain that I feel we both have gone through. In my heart I know that his pain was as real to him as mine was real to me. I find that when I go to talk to him (as I always want to talk to him) I have no words to say. I feel the resistance on his behalf. In my heart I know that I could not look him in the eyes and say from my most inner being, “You’re being RIDICULOUS!” I bitched him out in front of all of his coworkers and friends. I cannot even imagine how deeply embarrassed he must have been. How humiliated.

    Despite being so angry and hateful to the point of contemplating castration and experiencing pain so deep that I couldn’t breathe, I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with any other man. I dream about him seemingly all the time. Perhaps, this man is the one. Normally, I a do not take this long to get over someone, but this man is different. I am DONE BLAMING HIM AND MYSELF. I’m going to be open to this man and let the relationship go where it will.

    I feel that this is my personal growth that no one will take away from me. This is my insight and I’m going to own it. I OWN my own sexuality, my emotional being, my spirituality. To me this means owning my mistakes and taking responsibility for my mistakes and growing from them. I yearn for him and I yearn to be an even more high value woman than what I feel at this very moment.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Katelyn.

      Wow, this was so real. Thanks. πŸ™‚

      And yes, he definitely had pain too. You’re incredible for realising it.

      Renee. XxX

  • Peggy b says:

    Good points Renee for the women looking for their love but as a 25 year married woman who just got pretty screwed I say I will kill me with kindness, get my ducks in a row, and WHAM he won’t know what hit him in a few months. Call me experienced! Peggy

  • Grace says:

    Hi Anna thank you for your thoughtful response, I meant to say as far as healing goes I don’t always think time is the best healer I really think it’s your response to how you deal with hurt betrayal etc how you view care for yourself is the prediction of moving forward I waited 4 yrs before I started dating again not because I wasn’t “over” him but I was scared didn’t really know how to date I spent 1/2 my adult life in only 2 long term relationships so it’s really about I look at perceive myself as far as trusting men again I really think it’s really do I trust MYSELF on how I would react if the same thing happened to me again but I do have the tendency to blame myself or think if only Enough” he wouldn’t want to or go where the grass is greener so to speak he did that because I didn’t meet his needs but one thing that I have learned through all of this is you can’t control another person only influence them so in think how can I be the best person I can be NOW going forward.

  • Lexie says:

    Hi Rene, I appreciate your articles so much. I love learning about how to be a feminine women and it is more important to me now than ever before since I jsut got divorced 6 months ago and am slowly getting back into the dating scene. I find myself saying the whole “Men are so weak nowadays, especially california men”, and the other “all the good guys are taken”. I am slowly learning what it means to be a feminine women and how to attract the man I want but I know I have a ways to go. I am angry at men because I feel like all they want is sex from me and if they dont want sex from me then they just want to be my friend. They either stop contacting me or dont contact me as much as I want them to. I am angry ebcause they cant fulfill the hole inside of me that is lacking self love and acceptance. I am afraid I will be alone forever, I am fraid that if I remarry I will marry the wrong man gain and wind up divorced for a 2nd time. I am scared that I wont find a man who will want to cherish and provide with whom I am attracted to….I have a lot of fears which i think are normal after a divorce, right?

  • Lauren Buckman says:

    Hi Renee,
    I liked your article on not blaming men. I have placed the blame on past boyfriends regarding why the relationship didn’t work out.
    I think subconsciously I was sending the high maintenance vibe. It’s good to set your standards but if you place them too high no one can match them.
    Also I realized that men communicate much different than we do. Sometimes we want the reassurance from them and the message does not come out that way. Sometimes they come off insensitive however in their minds they are only trying to help us.
    I do want to have someone special in my life to share the good and trying times.
    I of practice being open around that special guy and showing him love and affection especially when he’s treating me like a queen.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Lauren, in the way you’ve articulated yourself here, you have a good understanding of what’s actually happening beneath all the confusion and relationship distress you’ve experienced. I think you will be ok πŸ™‚

  • vicki renee says:

    Im a 41 year old woman and i keep finding the most wonderful ,successful men …and forming from what i feel is good relationships ..but no men want to stand up and be mine to grow old with …,they dont want or have the time for a relationship ,or are in a different place in life than i am …i dont have armor up with them …sometimes i feel like im too real …then the last one only dated for a month but we got close …then he pulled away and poof …dumped again ….where are the good ones hiding ? The thick and thin men …that wont dissapear on a whim or small disagrement !!!

  • Lucia says:

    I have recently been dumped through an sms after one year of relationship, right before moving in together and after letting my family know that we got engaged. I bet I beat you all with that!!! πŸ™‚

  • Sofia says:

    Hi, Renee!

    WOW! This was really written for me! πŸ˜›

    No, But honestly this was written for me. My mom didnt take care of me when growing, but when she was with me she was cold and distant so I now am cold and distant. Dont know how to open and express my feminine essence to a man.

    I dont know if I could blame my mom here, but I have to always give her count of everything that is going on in my ”relationship” bcoz she has this order to relationships and she is always telling me that dont be dumb and that is why I dont give 100% becoz I feel like taking for granted or giving too much and not getting much back.

    I heard storys about other men, that are awfully romantic etc, etc, then I compared my man to them and I am like why I cant have a man like that? that loves me insanely? No, cant do. But I am learning from you and your great articles! thank you!!! πŸ˜€

  • Loretta says:

    Hi Renee,

    I feel hurt and frustrated. I really want a deeply committed man in my life; but I know I have been carrying a lot of baggage as well as wearing a lot of armour. Your e-mails and insight have given me such a whole new perspective on men, dating, and relationships whereas I feel as if I am more ready now for a commitment than I have ever been. Having a deeply committed man (and marriage) is one of the greatest desires of my heart.

  • Mona says:

    I think I get it at long last, but correct me if I’m wrong. In a nutshell:
    With armour: My bf / husband is such a jerk. He was chatting all evening to this woman at the dinner party. He’s got a nerve, leaving me to my girlfriends and humiliating me. What does he see in her anyway? She is younger and skinnier than me, but have you noticed her split ends, and that horrible nail varnish? Men are all pigs with their brains in their trousers and hearts of stone. Who needs them anyway!
    Without armour: when my bf / husband was talking to that woman at the dinner party, I got upset, scared and worried. She is attractive and young and has an interesting career. There are so many stories going around of men leaving their wives after decades for young girls, I’m terrified the same will happen to me, I would be devastated. Also I was a bit worried that other people will notice and talk about us.

  • Tina says:

    Why is saying β€œI’m in my 30s or 40s, but I don’t look my age!!” a sign that you wear an armour? What if it`s the truth? πŸ™‚

    • Mona says:

      It’s off topic, but I think everyone looks their age, except if they had plastic surgery maybe. You can look very attractive and feminine at any age, more so than others if you look after yourself more than them, and people – especially men – can mistake that for a younger age, but in reality you can’t conceal age – which is not a bad thing at all, just saying.

    • Anna C says:

      Hey Tina,

      I think it’s only a sign that you wear armour if you mean it in a certain way. If you’re saying it to cover up something. If you’re saying it as an excuse for something. But if you’re saying it with love and truth, then I don’t think it’s a sign of armour, but just an objective statement. It’s like saying “I’m wearing a black shirt.” You could say it as if you really are wearing a black shirt, you are feeling love about yourself, and you just put it on because it looks nice, or you could be saying it secretly to mean you are mourning and no one touch you; you don’t want to be bothered, or you could be saying it to mean that black = power and you want to feel powerful because you have been hurt. This was a roundabout example. But I think it all comes from the intent you have when you say that statement. But most of the time, when women say they are really 40 but they don’t look it, they are trying to use it as an excuse to say that “yes, I’m still beautiful, I can get other men” or “I don’t have anything to worry about – he’s wrong, I can get other men” and all the while pushing their true feelings down. That, I think is where the problem lies.

  • Jessie says:

    I feel like a failure also. I’m 32 and with everything I have achieved I would have made a very successful man, yet kept screwing up the things I truly wanted.
    I’ve now met a great man. He always listens, rarely responds, but always waits till I’ve got it all out among the choking tears. But I’m tired of being let down by him. I’m scared because it feels like I’m going to fall down and never get back up.

  • Silvia says:

    I had a turning point in my life last year. I do a lot of meditation and I like doing it in the woods nearby. There is a lovely lake there. One afternoon I was sitting there, writing my journal and I felt I was forgiving to all the men in my life who did wrong to me, even to my Dad which was the hardest. Quite profound experience. Since then I am much more understanding. For example last week the man I love didn’t come to the date we agreed. I said to him he could say No if he didn’t want to come, it is not a problem, but if he is bullshitting to me it is not respectful. And I asked him why does he make it so hard to like him. It seemed like the right question as he opened up more about his circumstances, apologised and said to me that he really appreciated that I have always been nice to him.
    So again I learnt it is up to me how men respond. And the answer to the question is no, shouldnt put more of the blame on men as we dont know what is going on in their head. They might have valid reasons.

  • Grace says:

    It’s been 6 yrs now since I Discovered my Ex-boyfriend was having an emotional affair with another woman I was absolutely devastated I confronted him I broke down cried yelled screamed at him how could you do this to me? Do you still love me? Did you ever love me? His answer a cold flat no he did apologize but it felt hollow to me. Long story short I left him but the pain of betrayal didn’t leave me I wasted 4 yrs “healing” which is crap all that did is stunt my emotional growth to feel love and trust myself to go through the pain & avoid men after all aren’t we supposed to just “get over it?” & move on? Which I have I’m in another relationship now but it’s left me with scars I try not to be jealous or suspicious be cool not feel crazy but that’s my fake self not my true authentic feeling self which I’ve denied for so long it’s manifested itself in my current relationship so there’s no real closure.

    • Anna C says:

      Grace, I think it can be beneficial to think that whatever people do, even if they do it to hurt you, is for a reason. Most of the time it has nothing to do with you. Maybe it’s to make themselves feel better, maybe it’s because they feel lonely or scared, maybe it’s because someone hurt them. Therefore it is never anybody’s fault. I don’t think we are all supposed to “just get over it and move on.” I think we have to permit ourselves to feel all the bad things before we can move on. “Healing” only works if it actually heals you. So if it didn’t work, then it was probably not the right healing type for you. Seems like you have a lot of pain from the past relationship. It might help, if you trust the current one, to tell him about it, but in a non blaming way (as in, make it clear that it was the other guy that hurt you so bad). Perhaps your closure will be his understanding.

  • Orchid says:

    I always wonder…what do you do when you’re angry at an ex lover and all you want to do is just to call him up and tell him how you really feel about all you guys have been through? I guess probably nothing since it’s already too late to do all of those things anyway. I’ve tried writing poems based on my feelings and they’ve helped somewhat but still…I wish there was a better way to handle how bitter I am about the whole ordeal, or at least move on from it.

    • Renee Wade says:

      I know, Orchid, the problem is, if it wasn’t safe for you to express in that relationship, plus there was a lot of build up of emotions, it’s very difficult to go back and feel them, sometimes, it feels like the only way to go about it is to go to them and just express your hurt.

      I’m not recommending this, as I don’t really know your situation. Only letting you know that I can understand your position.

      • Orchid says:

        Yes, I understand. I still feel these feelings strongly, however, because according to other friends that he’s talked to, he still feels for me strongly as well, but says that he’s moved on. He tends to go in and out of his feelings; one minute he misses me and is crying over me, then the next he seems to have accepted he’s moved on. I guess a part of me is still hoping he would hold on to the part that still wants me but that would be cruel on my part πŸ™ I just want to stop feeling so attached to him and hurt that I can’t have him despite the fact that he still loves me but doesn’t want me. *sigh*

  • Kristen says:

    This just opened my eyes. I thought I was being honest and feeling. i have been doing the opposite. I closed off. I have been dating a man for 7 months. He is the most amazing man I’ve ever met. The other day he hurt my feelings so I never answered his txt or calls when we had a date. I may have just ruined our relationship, and I do not know how to repair it. I ruined it because I couldn’t tell him that he really hurt me, I went away emotionally instead. I closed off. He said I disrespected his feelings and left him hanging. If I would have told him how I feel, we would not be distant like we are now. I don’t know how to repair this and I’m afraid I may lose him now.

  • Nana says:

    It’s very frustrating to always see myself fail in all of my relationships. Sometimes I just wanna punch a man in the face as a way of expressing my anger but I hold back and stop because I wasn’t raised to hit a man yet I remain afraid to be real and be myself because I’m scared I’ll be misunderstood or judged wrongly.
    I’m very tired of acting fake like I’m not angry and finally blaming the men I’ve being in a relationship with but after reading your mail to me, I feel very confident to be real always and not be afraid to get angry because that way I’ll put aside the armour and let a man feel I’m really letting him into my life seriously.
    Thank you Renee, I am glad to be a part of everything you have been teaching women like me so far and I pray you have a healthy long life to keep doing what you’ve been doing to help most of us.

  • Kelli says:

    I take so much comfort in your insight Renee. You are truly a beautiful soul! I must say your messages seem to always be applicable to my relationship at the very time I’m needing them πŸ™‚ My relationship of 2.5 years seems to be at a total standstill. We have created a very solid foundation of love and respect for one another and while he feels like we are moving toward marriage, I find myself getting really irritated and impatient after 2 1/2 years and feel like I must be lacking the qualities he really wants or he would have proposed by now. This leads to feeling really insecure in “us” and thus makes me question if I need to move on because he should know by now if I’m the woman he wants to marry, or hold on and let him figure it out in his own time? I’m not one to give an ultimatum but I also need to set a boundary I can live with. Help πŸ™

  • Jane says:

    I feel like I’m a failure at life. I never trust men because I feel like when I meet a guy, im standing on the edge of a chasm and I’m going to fall and die. I want to die sometimes but I want to live and I want to love. I really want to love and be loved.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Jane. Thank You, you are courageous for sharing this. I know plenty of us feel the same. You will die anyway, might as well die having loved and lived wide open (to the right people). What do you think?

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