“If the woman is being stupid and he’s being a jerk admit to both. It’s as if you’re were siding with the guy.”
“Blame the men from time to time.”
“Men are wrong, too!”
I hear these statements from hurt and frustrated women from time to time.
This letter is to you if you have ever felt like you are being asked to do ALL the work in a relationship with a man.
This letter is also to you if you have ever felt like men need to take more responsibility for their actions in relationships.
Here’s what I want to say to you –
All that is irrelevant. How much men do or don’t do is irrelevant. Men won’t necessarily admit they were wrong when you demand it of them anyway. They will possibly resist it. Because you’re just wanting your own significance over him.
And the same goes for men, trying to blame women.
Blame encourages weak Commitment – or pushes him away
Blaming doesn’t usually get the result you want. Sometimes it does. But he would likely be correcting his actions out of guilt and fear, than out of true devotion to you.
What you say you want is for men to DO more in relationships, or to take responsibility, but what you are really doing is using this statement to try to protect yourself from feeling your pain.
It’s fake and it attracts a man only on a superficial level. If you have this pattern of blocking everything out in many other areas of your life, this could be the very reason that you are not finding a man who is willing to take care of you – because you’ll only let people in so far.
It’s completely OK to be Angry
Sometimes, when we are angry, we just want the other person to take responsibility, so that we don’t have to feel like we have failed.
Sometimes, it feels BETTER and safer to make CERTAIN everyone else knows where HE went wrong, and where he should have done more to keep the relationship, because you tried so hard.
BUT do you understand that your frustration that you felt the very first moment he ever frustrated you or ANGERED you, is actually ok?
Do you know that it’s actually ok to feel that anger? And not suppress it for so long that it ends up coming out as blame and trying to suppress others because you have felt that your feelings were suppressed in the past?
After a while, when you spend too much time pleasing and trying to be nice to men….your pain over unexpressed REAL feelings comes out as blame. What else can you do right? Other than to take a jab at another person? Preferably the man you were with?
Can you actually express your anger to men?
NOW – whether you should express that anger or not to a man depends on what stage you are at in dating. And it depends whether you have both proved your value to each other or not. Those are the specific, tricky questions I try to give answer to in my programs.
Maybe you just don’t trust him enough yet. In which case, express by yourself, to yourself, or with a trusted friend or parent or pet.
If it were me, I tend to go with expressing over not expressing. It made me lose one or two men, but it brought the right man; my husband, closer to me.
Wearing the Armour of BLAME
Maybe what we want when we blame isn’t a man. Maybe what we want is retribution? Which is fair. But it’s not infinite. It’s not loving. Which is what your heart truly desires.
The armour that we wear….it’s Fake.
Fake attracts fake. A man may give up on you because the armour is too much – what’s the use in taking care of you if you won’t even let him? It doesn’t matter how vulnerable you feel on the INSIDE, it doesn’t add any value when you show up in your relationships with all this armour.
When was the last time you truly surrendered to your pain, instead of pulling away from a man?
When was the last time you truly surrendered to your pain and your hurt, instead of talking residue from your past to your girlfriends – which hurts them, too?
The Armour – It Keeps you Single
And it’s the exact armour that keeps you single, on your own, angry, and afraid of growing old alone.
I understand, it WOULD be nice to have a man who is willing to not walk away from you and actually BE there for you when you’re at your worst, every once in a while. I know, I have been there, and it is the most terrifying, frustrating thing in the world. All you want is some security that he understands and is not going to leave you or hate you for having needs.
But BLAMING men, or A man, is simply old stuff from your past
It’s the refusal to surrender to your own fear that you failed and are not enough.
(NEWS: Feeling like a failure is ok. No matter how many times you fail, you are not a FAILURE, it doesn’t define who you are, because you are infinite, and you can start living that at any time and decide to change from fearing failure to welcoming failure so that you can move on, and become better, more open and more sensual).
Plus…what you think of as FAILURE, could be someone else’s idea of courage.
So when would now be a good time to feel what you really feel, rather than blame?
You are ageing…
I don’t know if you have any loving, beautiful children, I don’t know how stunning you might be, but none of it matters, because everything you have or gain is eventually lost. Time takes children away. Time steals your looks. Time steals your reproductive capabilities. Quicker than you’d want to acknowledge.
Time grinds away at your joints, your bones, and you start to regenerate less. You’ll be an old woman soon.
One day soon, you and I will both be old, wrinkly women, sipping our tea and even having urinating accidents. Possibly talking in circles. Which I already do, anyway.
Do you want to be old AND alone?
Or would you rather grow old AND have infinite love in your life?
You don’t even have to have a man to have infinite love in your life. You can have that now, if you feel your anger and pain until it’s done.
Then your body will relax and you’ll flow.
I rather have urinating accidents AND a man to support me through them, and still see me as his princess.
The only way to have that is to DROP the urge to blame and start being the real you.
The real you invites a man in, it signals to him that you are open to him, and that openness signals a little bit of loyalty to him, which opens him more and makes him trust you more and want you more.
But the blame….the retribution that we want to gain only pushes people away. In fact, it scares people.
Signs you are wearing a lot of Armour – so men can’t be let in
Have you ever said any of these things? It’s a sign you might wear armour and that it is naturally pushing men away.
– “I’m in my 30s or 40s, but I don’t look my age!!”
– “He left me, but I’m pretty and all my friends tell me I’m attractive”
– “why should us women be the ones to make the men comfortable? Two people in a relationship.. both need to make an effort to understand one another.”
– “All the good men are taken.”
– “Men are so weak these days”
–“That girl is pretty, BUT…”
If you find yourself saying these things, know that it is not wrong to say them.
It’s just a way we protect ourselves, it’s a veil, to stop us from feeling our own anguish.
Anguish will always find You…
Anguish might make you angry, but I am sorry to tell you that you must feel anguish in order to attract a good man. If the extent of your emotional depth as a woman stops at the above statements, if you’re that superficial all the time, and no man ever sees, hears, and feels your yearning or your pain, then you don’t get a commitment because he is not being allowed in.
It’s not your fault – it’s simply a pattern of survival. I know a lot of people seem to make feelings wrong. But it’s usually a lots less than the number you’ve made up in your own head. People are more ok with honest expression that we anticipate.
For sure, you shouldn’t let nasty, mean, callous men in. But most men want to do good. Admit that to yourself.
Use it as a mantra or something. Mantras are a reasonable start.
They won’t make a real difference in the quality of men you attract, because a mantra is only a verbal statement. What makes a difference is you acknowledging your own pattern of avoiding the pain of perceived failure, avoiding the pain of anguish, avoiding the pain of guilt, and avoiding the pain of not feeling like you are enough.
And there IS a lot of anguish you might still have over past failed relationships. It’s ok to feel it.
It’s ok to not feel it as well, and chant that ‘MEN need to take more responsibility for THEIR actions in a relationship!”
You can keep doing that. Nobody will stop you.
But I don’t put blame on men because I don’t even put blame on women.
Blame is a pattern we have within our actions before we enter any relationship, so you see blame everywhere, because that is a regular part of your world. You read something, you feel blamed. You feel angry.
FAULT doesn’t EXIST
But nothing has ever been your fault. Fault doesn’t exist. It is a notion we use and your loved ones use to protect their own selves from their own pain. It was never about you, even if you were an abuse victim. You couldn’t defend yourself, just as I couldn’t as a child, and that’s not right, but you need to know NOW that you were never to blame, and you never did anything wrong.
So there is no need to make men wrong just so YOU feel less wrong. That’s a form of abuse.
Depth of Character is Key
Having the courage to feel makes you real. And when you’re real, you have depth that invites a man in further. To take care of you. Not just to skim the surface and take some casual sex from you.
At the end of the day, wishing and hoping men would take more responsibility will hurt you. It blocks you from finding your dream man.
Because you’re actually just angry at men from yesterday. Or Yesteryear. And that residue passes on and is sensed by other new men you might meet, UNLESS it is expressed openly in terms of your true open heart, raw feelings.
What you refuse to feel, you will continue to confront. Repeatedly.
So instead of trying to shift ‘blame’ on to men (which invites superficial commitment AND can be a form of abuse), tell us here, what is it that you really feel? You are safe to express it here. Swearing and cursing permitted.
It’s good to practice this in a safe space.