“If the woman is being stupid and he’s being a jerk admit to both. It’s as if you’re were siding with the guy.”

“Blame the men from time to time.”

“Men are wrong, too!”

I hear these statements from hurt and frustrated women from time to time.

This letter is to you if you have ever felt like you are being asked to do ALL the work in a relationship with a man.

(Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

This letter is also to you if you have ever felt like men need to take more responsibility for their actions in relationships.

Here’s what I want to say to you –

All that is irrelevant. How much men do or don’t do is irrelevant. Men won’t necessarily admit they were wrong when you demand it of them anyway. They will possibly resist it. Because you’re just wanting your own significance over him.

And the same goes for men, trying to blame women.

Blame encourages weak Commitment – or pushes him away

Blaming doesn’t usually get the result you want. Sometimes it does. But he would likely be correcting his actions out of guilt and fear, than out of true devotion to you.

What you say you want is for men to DO more in relationships, or to take responsibility, but what you are really doing is using this statement to try to protect yourself from feeling your pain.

It’s armour.

It’s fake and it attracts a man only on a superficial level. If you have this pattern of blocking everything out in many other areas of your life, this could be the very reason that you are not finding a man who is willing to take care of you – because you’ll only let people in so far.

It’s completely OK to be Angry

Sometimes, when we are angry, we just want the other person to take responsibility, so that we don’t have to feel like we have failed.

Sometimes, it feels BETTER and safer to make CERTAIN everyone else knows where HE went wrong, and where he should have done more to keep the relationship, because you tried so hard.

BUT do you understand that your frustration that you felt the very first moment he ever frustrated you or ANGERED you, is actually ok?

Do you know that it’s actually ok to feel that anger? And not suppress it for so long that it ends up coming out as blame and trying to suppress others because you have felt that your feelings were suppressed in the past?

After a while, when you spend too much time pleasing and trying to be nice to men….your pain over unexpressed REAL feelings comes out as blame. What else can you do right? Other than to take a jab at another person? Preferably the man you were with?

Can you actually express your anger to men?

NOW – whether you should express that anger or not to a man depends on what stage you are at in dating. And it depends whether you have both proved your value to each other or not. Those are the specific, tricky questions I try to give answer to in my programs.

Maybe you just don’t trust him enough yet. In which case, express by yourself, to yourself, or with a trusted friend or parent or pet.

If it were me, I tend to go with expressing over not expressing. It made me lose one or two men, but it brought the right man; my husband, closer to me.

Click here to know how to stay high value when when he pulls away

Wearing the Armour of BLAME

Maybe what we want when we blame isn’t a man. Maybe what we want is retribution? Which is fair. But it’s not infinite. It’s not loving. Which is what your heart truly desires.

The armour that we wear….it’s Fake.

Fake attracts fake. A man may give up on you because the armour is too much – what’s the use in taking care of you if you won’t even let him? It doesn’t matter how vulnerable you feel on the INSIDE, it doesn’t add any value when you show up in your relationships with all this armour.

When was the last time you truly surrendered to your pain, instead of pulling away from a man?

When was the last time you truly surrendered to your pain and your hurt, instead of talking residue from your past to your girlfriends – which hurts them, too?

The Armour – It Keeps you Single

And it’s the exact armour that keeps you single, on your own, angry, and afraid of growing old alone.

I understand, it WOULD be nice to have a man who is willing to not walk away from you and actually BE there for you when you’re at your worst, every once in a while. I know, I have been there, and it is the most terrifying, frustrating thing in the world. All you want is some security that he understands and is not going to leave you or hate you for having needs.

But BLAMING men, or A man, is simply old stuff from your past

OR

It’s the refusal to surrender to your own fear that you failed and are not enough.

(NEWS: Feeling like a failure is ok. No matter how many times you fail, you are not a FAILURE, it doesn’t define who you are, because you are infinite, and you can start living that at any time and decide to change from fearing failure to welcoming failure so that you can move on, and become better, more open and more sensual).

Plus…what you think of as FAILURE, could be someone else’s idea of courage.

So when would now be a good time to feel what you really feel, rather than blame?

You are ageing…

I don’t know if you have any loving, beautiful children, I don’t know how stunning you might be, but none of it matters, because everything you have or gain is eventually lost. Time takes children away. Time steals your looks. Time steals your reproductive capabilities. Quicker than you’d want to acknowledge.

Time grinds away at your joints, your bones, and you start to regenerate less. You’ll be an old woman soon.

One day soon, you and I will both be old, wrinkly women, sipping our tea and even having urinating accidents. Possibly talking in circles. Which I already do, anyway.

BUT…

Do you want to be old AND alone?

Or would you rather grow old AND have infinite love in your life?

You don’t even have to have a man to have infinite love in your life. You can have that now, if you feel your anger and pain until it’s done.

Then your body will relax and you’ll flow.

I rather have urinating accidents AND a man to support me through them, and still see me as his princess.

The only way to have that is to DROP the urge to blame and start being the real you.

The real you invites a man in, it signals to him that you are open to him, and that openness signals a little bit of loyalty to him, which opens him more and makes him trust you more and want you more.

But the blame….the retribution that we want to gain only pushes people away. In fact, it scares people.

Signs you are wearing a lot of Armour – so men can’t be let in

Have you ever said any of these things? It’s a sign you might wear armour and that it is naturally pushing men away.

“I’m in my 30s or 40s, but I don’t look my age!!”

“He left me, but I’m pretty and all my friends tell me I’m attractive”

“why should us women be the ones to make the men comfortable? Two people in a relationship.. both need to make an effort to understand one another.”

– “All the good men are taken.”

– “Men are so weak these days”

“That girl is pretty, BUT…”

If you find yourself saying these things, know that it is not wrong to say them.

It’s just a way we protect ourselves, it’s a veil, to stop us from feeling our own anguish.

Anguish will always find You…

Anguish might make you angry, but I am sorry to tell you that you must feel anguish in order to attract a good man. If the extent of your emotional depth as a woman stops at the above statements, if you’re that superficial all the time, and no man ever sees, hears, and feels your yearning or your pain, then you don’t get a commitment because he is not being allowed in.

It’s not your fault – it’s simply a pattern of survival. I know a lot of people seem to make feelings wrong. But it’s usually a lots less than the number you’ve made up in your own head. People are more ok with honest expression that we anticipate.

For sure, you shouldn’t let nasty, mean, callous men in. But most men want to do good. Admit that to yourself.

Use it as a mantra or something. Mantras are a reasonable start.

They won’t make a real difference in the quality of men you attract, because a mantra is only a verbal statement. What makes a difference is you acknowledging your own pattern of avoiding the pain of perceived failure, avoiding the pain of anguish, avoiding the pain of guilt, and avoiding the pain of not feeling like you are enough.

And there IS a lot of anguish you might still have over past failed relationships. It’s ok to feel it.

It’s ok to not feel it as well, and chant that ‘MEN need to take more responsibility for THEIR actions in a relationship!”

Do you have thousands of questions about men? Find the answer in our program Understanding Men, click here to find your answers.

You can keep doing that. Nobody will stop you.

But I don’t put blame on men because I don’t even put blame on women.

Blame is a pattern we have within our actions before we enter any relationship, so you see blame everywhere, because that is a regular part of your world. You read something, you feel blamed. You feel angry.

FAULT doesn’t EXIST

But nothing has ever been your fault. Fault doesn’t exist. It is a notion we use and your loved ones use to protect their own selves from their own pain. It was never about you, even if you were an abuse victim. You couldn’t defend yourself, just as I couldn’t as a child, and that’s not right, but you need to know NOW that you were never to blame, and you never did anything wrong.

So there is no need to make men wrong just so YOU feel less wrong. That’s a form of abuse.

Depth of Character is Key

Having the courage to feel makes you real. And when you’re real, you have depth that invites a man in further. To take care of you. Not just to skim the surface and take some casual sex from you.

At the end of the day, wishing and hoping men would take more responsibility will hurt you. It blocks you from finding your dream man.

Because you’re actually just angry at men from yesterday. Or Yesteryear. And that residue passes on and is sensed by other new men you might meet, UNLESS it is expressed openly in terms of your true open heart, raw feelings.

(Click here to take the quiz on “How Feminine Am I Actually?”)

What you refuse to feel, you will continue to confront. Repeatedly.

So instead of trying to shift ‘blame’ on to men (which invites superficial commitment AND can be a form of abuse), tell us here, what is it that you really feel? You are safe to express it here. Swearing and cursing permitted.

It’s good to practice this in a safe space.

Love,

Renee

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63 Comments on "Should I Put More of the Blame on Men for Failed Relationships?"

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Super Janice
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Ms. Renee is getting old…but I am only 18 years old (born in June 1998)…When was she born?

Star
Guest
I feel this after I read this I stopped and let the pain Im putting at bay about my divorce come over me again. Im for the most part healing, thank God but Im still hurting inside in that I so badly want to find the right guy. I used to date any guy who liked me because I figured if they liked me they would treat me right, man did I get burned this time. I’m so scared and so guarded this time, I’m speaking to someone who seems genuinely nice and therein lies the problem, I want to… Read more »
Joan
Guest
I always go to your blog when I’m having trouble navigating through my relationship. It’s not that I blame him for things. I have trouble being open and so I keep things to myself. I’m sure to him this looks bitchy. I can’t help it, it was my upbringing and hard to escape from. I told him this and he is not understanding, so I’m back here. Fear of abandonment has always been a big problem for me. If he hates me for something I say or do, or walks away from me forever. Its just this constant risk. I… Read more »
Kathy
Guest
Hi Renee I really love all your blogs even I still make mistake after reading them, haha. I guess I am too impulsive and no patient. I just cut off with some one I love. Some one I feel so much with and just want to love him no matter how long I can have. And I rejected some one who willing to committ and take care of me even he knows I was in love with some one else. We just remain good friends after I rejected him. But recently I found the one I love has his profile… Read more »
Caaron
Guest
OMG I am so guilty, I am constantly blaming men for making me feel bad, I am like the biggest drama queen too. Men in my life have put with my shit for years, and that’s why I am alone know. My expectations are so high, there isn’t a man in this world that could ever live up to them. I am so afraid all the time that I make people(not just men) feel miserable. I have stopped going around friends and for sure don’t go around men because I don’t have anything nice to say, I am like a… Read more »
Pmzizi
Guest

Enjoy your cats and nights alone

Star
Guest

That was mean! She was being honest and at least noticed and expressed herself, you troll.

Luke
Guest

Mean but accurate. People always need to be reminded of the consequences for their mistakes.

Lalala Poopoo
Guest

Lol…women do not understand that their actions have consequences until it is too late, then they want to blame everyone else!

And people say we NEED a female president. What a crock of shit

Beck Samsworth
Guest

Edgy.

Tanya Rachel Wieczorek
Guest
Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

Agreed w/ Star, that was a mean comment, at least she acknowledges her problem and seems like she really wants to fix it! I need to work on these issues too.

Sara
Guest

Renee,
I love all of your articles! They are so insightful and I’m so happy to see that feminine women still exist.
I was wondering you could write an article on narcissistic men, masculine men and how to tell the difference. I have been with a masculine man for over 2 years and I’m realizing he has some narcissistic qualities. Now that I’m in love with him, it’s harder for me to see the fine line between the two. As a feminine woman, I feel that I am a giver, empathetic, caring and maybe too much…which has contributed to this. Please help!

kira
Guest
What I’m about to say is very hard to admit, was even harder to admit to myself but I find myself insanely angry with my friend. resentful. Man after man she meets them, is apparently head over heels in love then when a better one comes around, she’s out. Now I know she has problems, things she’s running from but I can’t help this sickening sinking feeling I get. I am so livid but really, I’m just afraid. I’m scared that her and girls like her will steal them away. Will capture them before they even have a chance to… Read more »
Mona
Guest
HI Kira, About 20 years ago, I was exactly where you are now, including the friend who seemed to be able to have any man she wanted, only I made the mistake to go for the cheap attention. Well done that you haven’t. KEEP IT THAT WAY!!! I have been happily married for 15 years now, but those days still haunt me, and I wish I could turn back the clock and undo those things. Keep in mind that you are enough, and trust a couple of good men to notice that. If you feel the need to be bitter… Read more »
Monique
Guest

My step sister told me I should read your website and over the last few months I’ve read it now and again. I still haven’t had luck in the relationship department having ended two relationships in a year. I have started to look at myself and the reasons I go for insecure men and have realised that I haven’t and really don’t value myself enough to believe I’m worth better.

Joan
Guest

Gosh Renee, where have you been all my life.

These words are comforting as it doesn’t make any of the pain wrong, but I have screwed myself over trying to be the superwoman/supermom, holding it all in and pretending to be alright. I wasn’t alright, but I had no way to fix this. Or, even know I wasn’t alright cause I was believing that bullshit.

You have established a new sense of living for me.

Anca
Guest
I feel i was a stupid woman because i belived that he still loves me after the break up. 3 months passed since then and i missed him so much and when we started to speak again he seemed empty and with no interest in me. I feel i will never find a man as i want. In fact, I dont have any idea about what man I want. I want him, but this man has no feelings left for me. I feel it from all my heart that he has no feelings. So what the fuck should I do… Read more »
seb
Guest
When you first posted this, of course I was sad because it highlighted what I thought was my failure (something you address in the article). But I’ve had time to reflect and I know you’re right. One clear take-away I’ve come across in your work (and I’m paraphrasing in my own words…please forgive me if I am misinterpreting): if you love him, support him and believe in the choices he makes. Even if they feel hurtful, if you really love and believe in him at your core, even if what you’re seeing might appear hurtful, there’s a really good reason… Read more »
Khang
Guest

Love this writing so so much, i cant get enough of this

Lalithashree P
Guest

I sometimes feel, you tell the exact same thing, as my innerself is trying to tell me and I have shunned it so much that finally, when its time for me to face it, I hear it from a source called ‘Renee’. I love your work, keep doing what you have been doing.

lots of love

Lalithashree P

Marj Hahne
Guest
Hi, Renee — I realize that the reason I don’t express my anger in the moment, with a man, is because I always assume that my anger is residual anger at my father and hence disproportionate to the “offense” at hand. I know I have the psychoemotional “tools” to discern my authentic, legitimately placed anger from my displaced anger, but by the time I’ve figured it all out, the moment has passed, and I’ve processed my raw feelings, and all I have left to communicate to a man is my (masculinized) intellectualization/reporting of those feelings. What’s a girl to do?… Read more »
Crystal
Guest
Renee, your writing always soothes me when I feel restless. It also helps me find the balance between feelings and actions in general. I do appreciate having a space to “vent” here and possibly receive any feedback about my comment. I’m the type to move on emotionally pretty easily, though there is ONE thing that has bugged me about my exes, following the typical “lying to women” pattern. However, they didn’t lie to me in order to avoid confrontation – in fact, their lies would have likely garnered MORE of a reaction from me, though luckily I saw through them… Read more »
Katelyn
Guest
Hi Renee! I really like this article. It makes me reflect upon my behavior in my relationships (friendships and romantic relationships). What I have noticed is that it wasn’t until I started letting some of my girlfriends into what was going on in the relationship with my man that I started becoming incredibly angry and frustrated and hurt and so many other emotions that I simply don’t have words to express, but I notice that I would be angry at my man for being hurt, like “Who the fuck do you think YOU are to be HURT to feel PAIN… Read more »
Peggy b
Guest

Good points Renee for the women looking for their love but as a 25 year married woman who just got pretty screwed I say I will kill me with kindness, get my ducks in a row, and WHAM he won’t know what hit him in a few months. Call me experienced! Peggy

Grace
Guest
Hi Anna thank you for your thoughtful response, I meant to say as far as healing goes I don’t always think time is the best healer I really think it’s your response to how you deal with hurt betrayal etc how you view care for yourself is the prediction of moving forward I waited 4 yrs before I started dating again not because I wasn’t “over” him but I was scared didn’t really know how to date I spent 1/2 my adult life in only 2 long term relationships so it’s really about I look at perceive myself as far… Read more »
Lexie
Guest
Hi Rene, I appreciate your articles so much. I love learning about how to be a feminine women and it is more important to me now than ever before since I jsut got divorced 6 months ago and am slowly getting back into the dating scene. I find myself saying the whole “Men are so weak nowadays, especially california men”, and the other “all the good guys are taken”. I am slowly learning what it means to be a feminine women and how to attract the man I want but I know I have a ways to go. I am… Read more »
Lauren Buckman
Guest
Hi Renee, I liked your article on not blaming men. I have placed the blame on past boyfriends regarding why the relationship didn’t work out. I think subconsciously I was sending the high maintenance vibe. It’s good to set your standards but if you place them too high no one can match them. Also I realized that men communicate much different than we do. Sometimes we want the reassurance from them and the message does not come out that way. Sometimes they come off insensitive however in their minds they are only trying to help us. I do want to… Read more »

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