Do You really want to start circular dating?

Find out the Dangers of Rori Raye’s Circular Dating…

You may have heard of circular dating. If you haven’t yet, I’ll let you know what it is quickly.

Circular dating is: a term coined by Rori Raye, relationship author of Have the Relationship You Want. Dating several men (at least 3) all at the same time. You accept the date with the man who calls first, and do not shuffle times or even think about manipulating the schedule in order to get dates with the man you like best, or dates to the most fun places.

There’s another level to Rori’s circular dating though, as Rori says on her blog:

Circular Dating as a Tool is not about “dating.” It’s about interacting with everyone – man, woman and child,  so you can practice my tools of opening up and allowing love in and being vulnerable and sharing your feeling state – until it becomes automatic and your self-esteem soars. (Click here to take the quiz “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

First I want to say that my appreciation goes out to Rori, simply because I kow that her Circular Dating tool comes from a place of empathy for women. I appreciate her for truly considering what it’s like for a woman to be ‘attached’ to just ONE man, and feeling him not coming forward and not committing, and her resolve to looking to find a solution to that problem for us women.

Before I get in to my answer for this…I want to first say that, the very concept of circular dating, as Rori Raye puts it, is quite muffled to me. It is not always clear WHY you should circular date. So my answer to you here is the best I’ve got based on what I know about circular dating, and I have certainly spent some concentrated hours studying her theory over on her blog, and her REASONS behind advising you to circular date. (read my article on do beautiful women intimidate men)

Now here’s my answer to should you circular date? According to 3 different situations:

Number 1: for women who are curently single.

Number 2: for women who are in a dating relationship for 1-5 months and he’s withdrawing; and

Number 3: for women who are in a long term relationship of 5 or more months and he’s not committing.

Number 1: you’re currently single. My answer: Sure. circular date. It’s not any different to just dating men. Circular dating is a fancy way to put it. Why should you stay and wait for one man when you are single? You shouldn’t.

Number 2: for women who are in a relationship for 1-5 months and he’s withdrawing. Ok. Think about it. If you are in this situation, why would you want to circular date?

Well, first of all, you probably don’t want to, because you wouldn’t be reading this for a solution, if you really did want to just go and date other men, you would have done that already and you wouldn’t be indecisive about it.

The fact is, you are already invested in this one man, whoever he is, and would like him to commit to you, but he isn’t, so you might consider Rori Raye’s circular dating to get yourself out of a fearful place. And to satisfy your cravings for some certainty in your life. I understand, I have had the same thoughts in my past.

Here’s the thing:

In a 1-5 month relationship, you are still dating and you cannot expect an exclusive commitment from a man UNLESS you have both discussed it. Or, UNLESS, you and the man have somehow pre-framed the relationship in a way that indicates you are both now exclusively committed. So the question is NOT should you circular date? There’s two questions you can ask yourself:

1) Are you staying in the relationship and sleeping with him, hoping that he will eventually feel ATTACHED to you because of it?

Because if you are doing this, you are sending out signals of Low Value. So stop it right now, and start being authentic. Your value is NOT in just sleeping with a man. Remember, a man will commit to you when he’s emotionally attached or in love.

2) is he REALLY not committed to you? Or is he just not as committed to you in the way you WANT right now? 

Because, when you and I, as women, sit down and think or worry about how committed a man really is, we usually only see it from OUR perspective. Especially in the 1-5 month stage! We are invested pretty quickly. It is in our biology; we want pair bonding as soon as possible.

1-5 months for you as a woman might mean you’re thinking you are already in a relationship that is leading to marriage. For HIM though, he may not have even thought about a deeper relationship commitment yet, because he is a man. Not necessarily because he’s a douche. (Click here to complete the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man”)

In reality, sometimes, the man really IS committed. In his mind. And at his pace, and in his way. Men can actually choose to never marry a woman and be completely, head over heels in love and yet without a single doubt be committed her. A man can not call for 4 days and still be committed. Hard to accept? But it can be true, depending on your situation.

Lots of small things can indicate commitment on his part. It’s just that, men don’t understand women in general, and they just have no idea WHAT you want or HOW you want it – AND the problem with that is, they WILL NOT give it to you when you simply go TALK to him about what you want, because he probably can’t hear you. Instead, he hears:

Complaint. Criticism. Unhappy woman.

“Hmmm. Ok. Awesome. I AM OFFICIALLY UNSUCCESSFUL IN MAKING THIS WOMAN HAPPY. I might just go to work and forget about it all. Yeah, I like that idea. In fact, I give up. What do I do now? Who is going to show me what she needs in a way that doesn’t feel like I’m being emasculated as a man? Or maybe I should stick to casual sex. Then I don’t have to worry about making a woman happy and feeling like nothing I do is ever enough for any woman.”

Now, another thing: maybe a man is dating you out of convenience and he is still in to his ex or he just wants easy, comfortable sex. Well, if he is doing this, then it’s time you left and started dating others.

And finally…

Number 3: for women who are in a long term relationship of 5 or more months and he’s not committing.

The answer is a simple no. Don’t just get up and state that you are now circular date, if what you want is happiness and commitment.

Here is why:

The biggest problem I have with circular dating is that it is FEAR meeting FEAR. And it’s a fearful tactic used to solve a fearful situation.

You are responding to his fear with your own fear.

You feel that time is running out. Or you feel…that by being emotionally invested in this ONE man, that you have gotten the short end of the stick. Or you feel….that if he’s going to fluff around, that you should have the “right” to go date other men and get your ‘needs met’.

And he is not committing out of fear. If you have taken my home study course commitment control, you would know that this fear is called Commitment Resistance. What you need to do is get a little insight in to how to overcome his commitment resistance, which basically starts with having compassion and empathy for him as a man, no matter how hurtful the situation is to you.

Also, I know that being with a man who isn’t fully committed in the way you want feels painful, I’m not going to tell you that your feelings are wrong. Because they are your feelings, and they are real to you, and I sure as hell have felt that way before. So I wouldn’t make you wrong for that.

But my question is: What will you truly get out of circular dating?

Will you get CERTAINTY that some man will commit to you? Of course not. You can’t control any man, and you also cannot always control everything. No matter how organised your life or your ideas of how dating or having children or having a relationship should turn out, things happen. The unexpected gets in the way. (read my article on commitment phobic men)

Looking back over the last 10 years, haven’t things been rocky? Has everything gone to plan for you?


Then why act as if you can make everything go to plan? Why start trying to control everything?

Why not instead, start living and loving?

Some women plan to have a baby and be married by 28. That happens, they get married at 28…..which is great. Then they try for a baby expecting it to happen and it doesn’t happen for 5 years, or they end up being told they are infertile. Is it their fault? No. It’s just that, you need to accept (as I have, painfully on many occasions) that we are not in a game of control here. We are in a game of living and growing.

Control is an illusion we create to try to find some security in this crazy world of confusion and pain.

CONFIDENCE from Circular Dating?

And that’s what circular dating (for Rori’s reasons) IS. It’s a form of trying to control a man through a fearful tactic. It’s not working WITH him, it is working AGAINST him.

I date other men, because YOU don’t commit right now in the way that I want.

AND – Will you get CONFIDENCE from circular dating, as Rori Raye states that you will?

Not at all! Confidence doesn’t come from dating different people and taking whatever first offer comes (as if you have no power other than to sit there and wait for men to pursue you). Confidence is a feeling of deep certainty within yourself. A feeling of self ownership that no amount of constantly dating other people will EVER replace. And confidence is earned by doing the hard. Not the easy.

There is NO shortcut to confidence. That’s why we crave and admire the people who are self confident. Because somewhere inside, we know exactly how HARD they worked for it. And their body and mind and their actions are congruent with their sense of self ownership.

Do you admire people who have the ability to go to the toilet and do their business? No. That is pretty easily done. But we admire people who have a deep sense of confidence for one reason: there IS no short cut. It’s not like biting our nails or going to the restroom.

More Sanity Through Circular Dating?

So if you circular date, will you get SANITY and peace from all the drama of your man being cold and distant? I don’t know, maybe. But most likely not. Because it isn’t just him. Drama and uncertainty comes from you as well. It comes from the story that you tell yourself in your own head, and therefore experience in real life. It’s interesting, how perception can change everything in a heartbeat.

I would not recommend circular dating, for Rori’s reasons in any scenario. I recommend, if you want to, to date different men when you are single. No problem with that at all.

Get a COMMITMENT from a man Through Circular Dating?

But here is the trap you don’t want to FALL in to:

Do not start circular dating to get a commitment from a man.


Because to get a commitment from a man there are TWO ways to get it;

1) to Inspire it, and then his commitment is Always 100% genuine and he does it because he WORSHIPS you.

2) to force it (or passively force it, as through Circular Dating), and you know you always did it the cheap way. (read my article on how to make a man commit)

The 5 Big Dangers of Rori Raye’s Circular Dating

To finish off, I want you to make your own decision. I am not here to tell you what to do. I want you to choose. so that you can make your own informed decision about whether you should circular date or not, Here are the flaws that I see in circular dating for the reason Rori gives to do it in the first place:

1) Unfortunately, circular dating makes you a passive woman. Here’s why: “Accepting the date with the man who calls first” leaves YOU on the EFFECT side of things.

Here’s the thing. In life, there is CAUSE and EFFECT. Most of us, simply because we are human beings and we aren’t always rational and logical, we THINK we are on the EFFECT side of things. We think that for example, if a man is not contacting us, then there’s nothing we can do to INSPIRE him to make the move and contact us. Wrong. I have the privilege of teaching you how to do this in Commitment Control 2.0. Find out more, click on this link to register to watch our Commitment Masterclass. 

The problem with being on the EFFECT side of things is that you’ve not solved a single thing in the first place. You are still being passive. Assuming that your power is only so strong as going out to date different men and taking whichever date you get first is not power. It’s being passive.


The best way to solve all this if you are really looking for a solution would be to get VERY clear on what kind of man you are looking for and then become the woman that man would want to be with. (This is the secret behind attracting the right types of men!) Not only will that kind of man be irresistibly attracted to you and your energy, you won’t have to look far and wide to find him, he’ll find you.


Of course, it’s easier said than done, because often, we feel desperate since time is ticking, and we think that the next easiest man with resources who comes along and gives us some attention should be who we settle for.

Being on the EFFECT side of things assumes that you have little power to inspire commitment and more intense feelings of attraction in the man you want. That is pure lunacy. You have far more influence to enchant any man than you could ever dream possible. It simply takes you to start being on the cause end of things, rather than the effect end of things, and being passive.

And it’s not about controlling men. It’s about inspiring them as the goddess that you are inside.

2) According to Rori, you circular date “so you can practice my tools of opening up and allowing love in and being vulnerable and sharing your feeling state – until it becomes automatic and your self-esteem soars.”

Here’s the thing: opening up, and “allowing love in  and being vulnerable and sharing your feeling state” has nothing to do with circular dating.

If you want to open, you do it right now. You do it as you read. You do it as you walk…

You read something that touches a nerve, and you let yourself break down. You walk past a mother and a baby, and you wish you had that, and you allow the emotional wound to open and to allow the burning feeling of yearning in your heart to fire up.

You walk past a man loving kissing a woman’s head, and you open and let yourself be inspired by that moment of love.

You are with a man who is not giving you the attention you want, and you allow yourself to open either alone in the dark or WITH him, and you cry or you feel intensely hurt and angry, simply because of life. Not because of HIM. It’s not him. It’s life – It just isn’t working out the way you want right now. And that really, really hurts.

And you open by showing that, experiencing that truth. And sharing it firstly with yourself, and perhaps with him.

See, opening has nothing to do with circular dating. Open now and you will either get rid of the man you currently love, or you walk out on the street as an open, beautiful woman and because of that openness, you will attract a good man.

3) If you’ve been reading my work for a little while, you know that I teach that in order to attract a man who doesn’t just casually take care of you, but who worships the ground you walk upon, and would DIE for you, you need to be High Value and High Status.

Well, Rori Raye’s circular dating is just another tool that is being offered to you as a way to advertise your ‘High Value’. That’s all that it really is. A quick way to create some High Value for yourself. Hoping he will commit. Here’s the problem with circular dating in this situation: it’s good for a split second, but it is also very quick to irritate and scare the men around you.

Just because your ONE man doesn’t commit, doesn’t mean another man committing to you through circular dating is a GOOD thing, because YOU haven’t necessarily changed. It’s just that your tactic has changed.

By the time men see or hear that circular dating is what you want to do, they can’t appreciate your value anymore, because you’ve lost it, because they associate you with being the woman who made them feel PRESSURED in to doing something. Or the woman who left when it was hard. And all of a sudden, you probably seem like a fearful woman who needs to date other men to feel confident and to try to TAKE a commitment from the best man that she can get it from.

4) Circular dating uses force to get you out of desperation. Circular dating is NOT a solution based on a true understanding of men. It’s based on a selfish way to get your own needs met without considering him. You are trying to force him (or some other man) in to a commitment by trapping him.

5) Circular dating is essentially a tool to confine and trap a man, when it is done out of fear. And this is SO frustrating for me to hear because the one thing masculinity desires is FREEDOM.

And a man wants to feel fee WITH you. He doesn’t want to feel you trying to trap him. Men have spent millenia running from Low Value women who try to just trap them out of fear.

Essentially, if you circular date to get a commitment, the man will feel everything as a restriction of his freedom. Wouldn’t you agree? You’re trying to get your current man, or ANY man to COMMIT to you.

If you want to get it in that way, no man will ever feel free with you and you will be single and childless forever.

Circular Dating: Has it Actually Changed your Mindset?

Let’s see. He’s not committing. You need a commitment. Or so you think you do. So you go date other men to get that commitment.

Now here’s my question about that: does circular dating CHANGE the way you approach your relationship with this current man in the first place?

Are you assuming that some other man will be better? Well, what if he is? Can you rely on that? No. Most likely, you will go along and have the exact same problem with another man, because your underlying mindset and BELIEFS about men and dating and the world have not changed at all.

Which means that you will attract the same kind of man.

My conclusion is this: Date a lot of men if you are single and if you are open to that idea. But do not circular date to get your current man (or some other man) to commit. Force doesn’t work. It’s simply trying to solve fear with fear. And that is not solving anything.

Attracting men does solve something. Don’t use your fear to meet this man’s fear.

If you are currently in a relationship for 5 or more months, well, you attracted your current man for a reason. You can’t bail out saying  “HE’S NOT COMMITTING!” and in turn, turn your back on him because you’re scared. You attracted him for a reason. He didn’t just fall in to your life. You attracted him!

On some level, what you do – the energy you put out to the world and to men, is returned to you multiplied.

He’s not only NOT committing because of him – he’s also not committing because of you, and the way your relationship together makes him FEEL. He’s fearful and so are you. For whatever reason.

As author and speaker David Deida says, we always attract our reciprocal. If your current man is fearful of committing, his fear matches your fear. My guess is that, at the heart of it all, you do not want to circular date at all. You just want to feel free. You want to feel like you can open to a man, or to men, and to give your gift of your feminine energy and love and be loved without feeling afraid and restricted. And, the only person restricting you is yourself.

Well, you don’t need anybody’s permission. You have now.

What you need to know is: if you choose to open now and not WAIT for some new men, you won’t even have the problem anymore. The quality of commitment and the quality of men you attract is a direct reflection of how committed and open YOU are and how much of a quality woman you allow yourself to show up as.

Your barrier is not men, it’s yourself.

Here is the bottom line:

Don’t make decisions out of FEAR. The moment you make a decision out of fear, you just made the wrong decision.

If you want to circular date, be absolutely SURE that you are not doing it out of fear, or to get a commitment from a man. Unless you want to become low value.

If you are committed to becoming a High Value woman, and really want to inspire a deep and passionate commitment from a man, it is not a dream. It is possible. I don’t have ALL the answers. But I certainly have some, and I can show you how to inspire a deep commitment in Commitment Control 2.0. Watch our Commitment Masterclass and learn more about this program and the three words that inspires your man to commit to you; click here to watch this video now.

Or you can check out the list of our programs by clicking on this link. 



 P.S – Have you tried Circular Dating? If so, what were your experiences? Do you want to try circular dating? Your experience may help  hundreds of other women make the right decision, so do share your experience with circular dating below. 


  • Eleanor

    I really like both Renee and Rori’s advice and actually don’t see them as mutually exclusive at all – perhaps just coming at the same thing from different places. I think CDing is often misunderstood; it’s not about being in a committed and exclusive relationship and also seeing other men (unless you are poly and this is agreed), of course that is going to piss everyone off and undermine yourself, your wants and needs as a woman. I have such compassion for Walter whose partner completely misunderstood this and damaged what they had through her own fears and need for control, using CDing as vehicle to get what she wanted- that was the time to stop controlling, open up and let love unfold without control. What CDing IS about, is not offering your absolute commitment and exclusivity unless it is mutual and you have had that conversation with a man. CDing protects women from the imaginary relationships we have all fallen into where we are WAY overcommitted, having sex with a man we are becoming dangerously emotionally attached to whilst all the time missing that he is not committed to us. For those of us for whom casual sex is really damaging (and I know Renee feels strongly about that) CDing is protective, helps you work out boundaries whilst letting go expectation and yes helps you develop your feminine energies and vulnerabilities. But there really needs to be an understanding of when it is appropriate and when it is not. Rori also discusses that CDing can be about dating yourself which is very much my strategy even after 17 years of marriage. Finding so many wonderful things to fill your heart, that happiness, love and vulnerability naturally develop and I think this is really healthy. Having your own space and your own life means that you are truly high value and bring so much more to the table.

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  • Alicia

    Dating at least 3 men at the same time is an old healing prescription that has proven healthy for thousands happilly married men and women. To keep close to our present time and to the USA, (Rori’s geographical location), I can mention Dr Pat Allen whose scientific observations lead her to write the book “Getting to I do” in 1995, which book inspired the movie “Duty Dating” in 2002 by Cherry Norris.

  • Anna D

    I have tried circular dating and have found it useful for bringing my feelings forward instead of speaking with my mind first. It is good attribute to have but require a lot of practice for me, not for the lack of wiliness, but simply out of established habits of communication. I know that many things in my love life have not worked in the past because I did not let anyone close to my true self level, so overall relationships were imaginary from both sides, my partner’s and mine.
    I view circular dating as a way of changing my communication patterns, and I need positive reinforcement to believe that it actually working for me. I am not viewing it as a miracle for getting a “prince charming” into the picture but simply as a guide to change from “Ms. practically perfect in every way” that I tried to be all my life into who I really am, for better or worse.
    Practical positive outcomes of these circular dating exercises so far are evident at my much improved relationships at workplace, and immense deepening relationship with children who are excited to learn who their mother really is. If this is all I can get from circular dating, I am not going to feel mislead in any way.

  • Victorie

    I’m glad I happened upon this article. I love Rori Raye for the most part, except for the “Circular Dating” idea. It’s just not for me. When I love a man, I love him, and even if my heart gets broken I feel I’ve been true to myself by NOT looking around at other men. Period. It might be fine for some women, but I just can’t wrap my head (or heart, or other body parts) around the idea.

  • Kimberly Smith

    You seem to make all of your articles about dating love and relationships all about the man and what he needs and wants from a relationship. It seems as if your telling the woman she always needs to change who she is to fit the man. That isn’t love. Especially not unconditional love. And a relationship like that will always be based on conditions and terms which is fragile. You have to understand your advice is not a one size fits all for every relationship because everyone’s situation is different. Every individual is different as well. Why is it that the woman is always needing to change? He surely doesn’t see the need to.It takes TWO people to make a relationship work. Not just the woman. No offense just my thoughts.

    • AJ

      You could say the exact same thing about Rori Raye. Except that her advice is way more convoluted.

    • Viki Samoja

      You are comming from the place of entitlement, you are overthinking and theorizing.Men can and will invest, but they can’t invest feminine energy, even if they try it will eventually detract from their masculine energy, and you, as a female don’t need more feminine energy. Men want to understand and help there women, if that were not true i would not be here, on a blog dedicated to women, with advices for women, trying to comperhend how women think.

  • Adele

    this is one of your best articles. It really shows how gifted you are at what you do, and how spiritually evolved you are. I hope to be there one day soon.

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  • Angel-eyes

    Oh gosh, I would have totally adopted this mindset in the past. I would have blindly followed the behavior patterns of fear, thinking that the answer to prevent bad events is through becoming less involved as a way off getting more from a situation.

    To be honest though it would take a’lot for me to reach the point of letting my gaurd down completely with just one man.

    I won’t ever circular date in the future but by the same token I won’t waste time on a man who doesn’t appear commitment material.

    • Judy

      I think Rori looks at it like this. “If I can’t get my man to commit, I will show him I can get other men. Some men want what they don’t have and feel threatened when their girl goes out with other men. I don’t want to be with a man based soley on the fact that he thought he couldn’t have me, bc when he got me, his challenge is over, then what?

  • K

    I agree. I think she makes some other wonderful points, but the circular dating is a potentially damaging (to everyone involved!) way of establishing that you are high value. You can just as easily immerse yourself in things you love that make you feel joyful and confident without dating other men.

  • B

    I feel you didn’t really go through Rori’s entire programme and judged it from the surface and the blogs written on it. The concept of CD can be dangerous if you do not know the full ins and outs of it. It is DEFINITELY not a tactic to get a man to commit – that is just the marketing of it. Rori says straight up in her ebook that her “tools” are not intended for becoming a better manipulator to get the things you want from a man.

    I have to say in my years and years of searching and reading nothing has “generated” the confidence inside of me as circular dating has. It is a process, not an end goal. Circular dating is about a mindset and state of being, not a manipulation tactic as it can look like at face value.

  • God bless you for writing this thoughtful article. I tackled the same subject a few years ago and drew largely the same conclusions. Sounds nice in theory; doesn’t quite hold up in practice with actual men.

    Keep up the great work!

    • Hi Evan! Thanks for your comment. I’ve read some posts on your blog over the years and I feel that you are honest and have good intentions towards your readers, thanks for being a strong and real voice in the dating advice world.

      I liked your article – this line “But if you’re tone deaf to your partner’s needs, you’re going to find yourself without a partner.” – is exactly one of the biggest concerns I have about a woman who blindly chooses to circular date without carefully thinking about her situation and her partner.

      CDing – and many women who are pro CDing tend to defend it from a place of fear and anger…. And that brings me to your point in your article about being vulnerable – and that this is the best way to find love. I agree with you.

      Kind regards,

  • rosesonly

    I am circular dating right now, I have three men calling and asking for second/third dates . They will soon be pruned. i am single. i also have an ex who i never could actually get to commit to me and I am CDing him (rarely) too.

    I discovered CDing in that relationship when he would not commit to me after months, then years . In the end it was essentially downgraded to a FWB situation but I was so in love . I learned to date others to cope with my pain and the rejection of my love. CDing got me through and got me some friends at the same time .It wasnt out of fear that he wouldnt commit , it was to wean myself off a man who wasnt capable of commitment despite caring for me. It was assumed by him that i would date others to help me not focus entirely on him.He suggested it 🙂
    Later I also CDed while I was recovering from major illness . Over 2 years I dated between 2 and 4 kind , caring men here and there for meals and walks. These men were all doing their own healing and I presume were CDing too. Who knows? I never discussed that. None of them ever wanted exclusivity with me . I was single but perhaps not totally “available” .

    I disagree with Renees opinion about Circular dating being bad news when a man is withdrawing.You assume it is done out of fear to get a response from a man. No Renee. Sometimes its a life raft in a sea of unwanted attachment. You do it for yourself to help yourself stay afloat and not become a blithering mass of desperation. And yes, the man can WANT you to date others and ask you to do so. CDing helps a woman not to bond like glue to a man who is uncertain of what he wants.

    Its not about making him want you more . Its about healing yourself.

  • Tola

    Renee, you are absolutely wonderful. There are only few people that help women with relationships that will not advice them to be manipulative and all. you have helped me and my present relationship more than you will ever know. i’m very grateful. each day you inspire me to be better in my relationship. This is unlike any relationship I’ve been. Thank you, thank you and thank you. Regards to David and your cute baby

    • Hi Tola, Thank You for your comment! You’re most welcome. It’s my pleasure. xo

  • Jo

    I thought the whole point of circular dating is to get your mind off one guy, so you are not obsessed or neurotic with any one particular guy who might be holding back, stringing you along (which I am notorious for attracting), or whatever. The point is to not be manipulative, but to take a step back in your own dedication to the relationship to match the man’s, or at least your perception of the man’s dedication. And you are to only give up circular dating when a man commits. I feel it is perfectly fair for a woman to date around/circular date if none of the men she dates will commit. She won’t be waiting on any one guy to call or text. She won’t feel neglected or insecuree about just one man. She won’t feel ignored because she is too busy with her life and meeting other men to be all caught up on one who doesn’t seem eager to secure a relationship with her. Men do it all the time. It’s not about manipulation. It’s about taking a step back and unfocusing your mind off one particular man who isn’t reciprocating the level of commitment to the relationship that you are. And I do not recall Rory saying you need to tell these men; it’s none of their business.

    • Anna

      Hey Jo- I hear you.. Keeping your mind off a guy to match his attention so you don’t go neurotic is the BEST idea. Right now I’m in a serious relationship & he’s always so busy at work that sometimes I’m just DYING to have another guy just take me out to a nice dinner and listen to me haha… But… I know that that’s not right. And from the beginning I knew that it wasn’t right with him. Just a feeling. I knew from our first month together that he was going to be my man, from the way he treated me. And I knew he was always going to be a one woman guy, and he’d always want a one man girl. From the start I told him everything, and he told me everything. He’d openly give me his passwords and I would too. It’s that level of trust that I knew would be unmatched by any other man. But back to your point on circular dating. I think it’s great from a logical standpoint and only in the beginning. If you’ve been dating a while, more than a few months, I think you should at least let all the men know you are seeing others. Not think it’s not their business to know. It may not be, but you’ll find that alot of men think that withholding information is akin to lying. Some men would leave you for this. It’s dangerous. So like I was saying that circular dating is a great idea logically, but competition is not what makes a man commit & fall in love. It’s chemistry and the unique connection he has with you. Ever have buyers remorse about something? That’s probably what he’ll end up feeling when all the other guys are gone, IF there was not real connection & attraction in the first place, if it was masked by his competitive drive. In conclusion… Imagine your future husband now. How sweet and protective he is. How smart he is. How he gives everything to you to make you laugh & see you smile. How would you feel knowing you got this from dating other men behind his back? I think it’s wise in some cases, like in the beginning, when you’re not sure of what you want. But when you discover who you can really fall in love with, that someone special, I think it’s 100x wiser to work on your own issues and grow than date others to ignore and cover them up. Just my opinion. I’m in a very serious relationship and I’m still working through all the neurotic stuff. I may always be a little neurotic. But he’s stuck by me all those times, and he grows because I grow. And that feels good.

    • Anna

      By the way what I do when I feel neurotic is to find joy in it. The Portuguese have a thing called Fado, which means fate. And it’s all about FEELING your longing and sadness. They even created a special word for it, that’s not directly translatable in any language – Saudade.
      There’s a Portuguese quote that I read when I’m feeling sad/angry/neurotic to make me feel the emotions & then feel better (and sooner rather than later, he calls), and it goes like this: “Ai que tristeza esta minha alegria… Que alegria esta tão grande tristeza.” Which means oh how sad this happiness is! And what joy I get from this sadness! If you think about it, do you feel some sort of connection to yourself when you feel insecure & neurotic… Some happiness in the sadness? I would realise it & embrace it & realise you don’t need other men to keep your self esteem up… You already have that ability inside you.

    • Anais

      I agree with Jo. And I disagree with the concept that a man has to know you are dating others (dating, not sleeping with them!) if he hasn’t asked you to be exclusive. Especially if it’s only a few weeks in. You’re still single then. You’re free to go out with others and so is he. So I think CDing can work if he hasn’t asked for that type of commitment yet yet.

      I totally get the fact that women should gain understanding of men, what they value and form a connection with them, but women can do that while keeping their dating options open, rather than focusing on one man who hasn’t asked for exclusivity. Women should care about their emotional well being too, not just the man. So I appreciate that Rori advocates women looking out for themselves, reminding women that they are valuable to this world and that their feminine energy is a beautiful thing, single or not.

      Besides Circular Dating also gives opportunities to practice being vulnerable to men. Yes you can practice being open and vulnerable without a man but if you struggle with men, it makes sense to practice with their presence. If you are dancer with stage fright, you practice on stage in front of people, not alone locked up inside of your room.

    • Jane

      Thanks Jo! You gave the reply I was thinking the whole time I read this article. It’s not about fear. clinging desperately to one man who is not in a place to commit is inspired by fear. Dating many different men to find the one that’s right for you comes from confidence.

  • I circular date and LOVE it. I also work with divorced women who are not looking for a husband and I HIGHLY recommend cicular dating. It is not just to get a committment even though it helps. Like mentioned early in the article, you can get comfortable expressing vulnerability without fear of him leaving because it doesn’t matter if he leaves. You can also practice how to bring out the best in men as well as yourself by being authentic in the company of men and raising your standards to accept the kind of treatment that you require. When a woman sets her sights on getting one man, she is likely to compromise things she truly needs to be happy in order to keep him so she is not alone. When circular dating, he can leave and she is not alone. Yes, you can be authentic without circular dating, but often the stakes are too high and the risk too great of him leaving so women dont trust being authentic. Cicular dating creates a safe space for you to be authentic. Also, limited availability does make men take notice of your value as men respond to scarcity. Now, DO NOT COMMIT TO A MAN MOTIVATED BY FEAR as Renee said. Him committing because he fears losing you is taking the low road. When you barely meet a guy and act committed within a month when he has not explicitly committed to you (nor should he), that seems very low value. You barey know each other so you don’t REALLY want “him,” you want a good relationship, So, by cicular dating, you can stay focused on the relationship you want – not getting/trapping a man just because he pays attention to you and is present. Also, you do not have to sex with them. In fact, men wanting sex only will go away when they see they have to work and that you are not desperate for attention which they exploit for easy sex. The men left over are truly potential relationship material. So, helping screen out sex only men is another benefit to circular dating. Lastly, I was in a good relationship with a man who would not commit but felt we could live together and have an out of wedlock child. I said no and that I need to start dating other men because I need a husband. No, he did not become my husband and the relationship ended. But, he was not going to be my husband anyway. So, me staying holding on being exclusive when he would not make us a family was VERY low value. Besides, if had to do that to “get” him, it would no longer be a relationship that was worth it for me. So, once I stopped settling for less and began circular dating, I actually found better quality men, marriage was a non-issue.Cicular dating helped me move beyond trying to please a man hopig he would marry me. However, If male companionship from the same guy is more important than commitment, then there is no need to circular date.

    • Renee Wade

      Hi Felicia,

      I’m curious. You say… “You can get comfortable expressing your vulnerability without fear of him leaving because it doesn’t matter if he leaves.”

      It doesn’t matter if he leaves? So the whole point is to have a man not mean anything to you?

      What if…you actually fall in love with a man and it DOES matter if he leaves? THEN what?

      You DON’T express your vulnerability anymore?

    • Anna C

      Hi Felicia,
      I was drawn to your same statement as Renee: “you can get comfortable expressing vulnerability without fear of him leaving because it doesn’t matter if he leaves.” To me, this assumes that men are a commodity – essentially interchangeable. But, in fact, they are not. No human is. I don’t think you can actually BE authentic in this way, unless you are a robot. I think the key to being vulnerable is realising what you want and admitting it to yourself, even if you are scared. Even if you like one guy over all the others (THIS is natural). But to put boundaries on what you can and cannot accept. Rori and everyone else is right when she says that people will treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated.
      You also say “If male companionship from the same guy is more important than commitment, then there is no need to circular date.” I don’t think these need to be mutually exclusive. You can have a male friend companion but don’t need a commitment. Or you can have a committed husband who is always around. I think that when it comes to relationships, or life, there are truly no limits.

  • Lisette Marum

    I swear I nearly puked ony cereal. ‘What you need to do is get a little insight in to how to overcome his commitment resistance, which basically starts with having compassion and empathy for him as a man, no matter how hurtful the situation is to you.’ Can’t believe I’m reading this I the 21st Century. Why the hell have women been fighting for equality only to be advised ‘matter how hurtful the situation is to you’?

    • Renee Wade

      Hi Lisette,

      I am sure you have misinterpreted my statement. What exactly does the statement ‘no matter how hurtful the situation is to you’ MEAN to you?

      To me, it simply means to have compassion…when it’s hard. Anyone can have compassion when it’s easy.

      I see you think this means undermining YOUR needs for someone else. And that is not the place I come from, nor is it ever my intention.

      In fact…I’ll say that this is your own pattern in your own life; ‘giving to someone else means I have to give up my own needs’.

      Like a trade off. I don’t believe in trade offs in this context.

      But you are reading my words in your way and I expect nothing else, since you have your own life experience….just know that my meaning and intention is different to yours.

  • Anna C

    I really hate this practice of circular dating because it’s giving the impression that the wedding and commitment is more important than the guy. I so hate women going about wanting a wedding or a baby and just trying to find the guy to fit it. It should be the other way around. Me, I cannot even think of getting married or having kids AT ALL if the right guy isn’t around, and I sure as heck will not pick the many men and male friends out there would love to marry me. I only want a certain guy. I’ve never chased a guy just for a wedding. I’ve never fantasized about my wedding when I was a little girl. I fantasized about who my Prince Charming was. How he was going to be. And how we would act as husband and wife. A very particular guy. Not any guy. The perfect guy for me. And that is not the point of circular dating. It’s like finding the best interview candidate for the job. But love is not a job. It’s a feeling. You can’t interview for that.

    • Hi Ana, I see your point and agree that you don’t find a man who ‘fits the wedding.’ But, what about when you find that right “one special guy” who you could spend your life with and he wants to live together and have children – not get married? Will you stay and do it unmarried or start dating other men who will commit to being a husband?

      • Anna C

        Hey Felicia, good question. Well, I’d ask myself: Would I be happier dating this guy (given the current situation) or not dating this guy? I want to get married…. I love this guy… hmm, would I rather be without him and married, or be with him and unmarried? Those are the questions I would ask myself. Never would I ever consider dating another guy. It’s not relevant, to me. It’s either – do I want to be with the man I’m with now, or do I don’t. Another man, in my opinion should never factor into my decision. I date one man at a time. I just do. That’s just me. I devote all my attention to one man at a time, and give it my all, and if it doesn’t work out, well then I feel comfortable writing him off. My answer to your question would be… and it’s a hard one… if the man I was with did not want to get married but live together and have children, I would first say “I want to get married, marriage would make me happy because it makes me feel loved and secure. But I love you and I want to marry you. I don’t see any other man in my life but you. But I’m not ready to live with you or have children yet. I’m just not. I do love you though.” And I’d continue dating him until something changes, or I decide that I don’t want to be with him anymore. Sometimes… the situation would be the guy stays in this stage for years and years… but no… I’d never date another guy because of this reason! That’s not even fair to the other guy! I mean, how would you feel if you found out someone started dating you if their girlfriend would not commit?

      • Anna C

        Actually… I’m dealing with this exact problem right now, so I’m not just saying sh** I’m standing behind my words. My man is terrified of getting married again and he’s asked me to live with him (I said no, twice, because I didn’t feel “safe” moving in without knowing he’d be with me forever…) and he wants to have kids someday. He tells me that he doesn’t want to get married again, but I stay with him. Why? Because I think it’s BS. He says that kind of thing when he’s insecure and I believe it when I’m insecure. As Renee says, he has Commitment Resistance. And I’ve figured out what (most) of that commitment resistance is. He knows I want to get married to him, (If I hadn’t met him though, I wouldn’t want to get married… I met the guy first, then decide to get married). I stay with him, because I want to be with him, and I’m not afraid of wasting my life away because I’d want to be with him anyway, so when he marries me is irrelevant (although, sooner is better than later so we can begin to get truly EMOTIONALLY INTIMATE with each other completely). And I don’t really want kids (but I’m open to it), so it won’t make me sad if I never have kids. He knows I want to marry him; I’ve told him from the beginning of the relationship, and he’s an honest man, so he wouldn’t be with me if he didn’t see the same thing, someday. So I’m staying with him, until something changes (he gets over his commitment resistance) or I decide something is terribly wrong that I want to leave (unlikely, since I’ve been with him so long.) So we just chill. I’d definitely not think of dating another man to get him to commit. For one thing, he’d IMMEDIATELY break up with me, because that is such a turn off to him and a total breach of trust. We do not tolerate cheating of any kind, even emotional. That’s just how we roll, so Circular Dating would not work for us, but if it works for someone else, more power to them. Though I would not advise it, unless you were just casually dating.

        • Anna C

          Commit = marriage (to me). He’s actually already very committed. And he’d never think of dating another girl either (because he knows I’d walk), so it’s not a one way street.

    • Jane

      Anna C,

      It seems to me like you’ve spent years writing the job description for you perfect guy. That’s what circular dating is all about. Not settling for the first guy that comes into your path, but effectively communicating your wants and needs until you find Mr. Right.

      • Anna C

        Hey Jane, thanks for your comment. I actually did not spend years writing the job description for the perfect guy for me… I realised that the perfect guy for me was the image I had of prince charming as a child. But it took years of spiritual maturation to figure out how to trust my own instincts. And I found him, he was the same prince charming I had imagined, and I didn’t have to circular date to achieve this, ever. And, ha!, he definitely was NOT the first guy I dated! If circular dating to bring your confidence up works for you, by all means go for it. In my opinion, it is not the path to spiritual awakening, at least for me.

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