Power in Relationships
So I was browsing the internet yesterday, and I came across this statement, which horrified me: “The one who is being pursued has all the power in a relationship”. I admit that I’m not surprised to read that; stuff like that is everywhere on the internet! And it’s in our faces all the time.
It’s not that I disagree – far from it – in fact, I do agree with this statement; if you are being pursued, then you generally have more power in the relationship. BUT – power over what?! And what kind of power?
Power over who gets more hurt? Power/control over how much pain you might potentially experience? Power in keeping your love to yourself? Power in who makes the first move? Does this mean, that as a woman, if you are the one being pursued; that you’re guaranteed more happiness? I think not. I’m curious; what is the goal exactly of a person who thinks this way? (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)
Do they want certainty? Certainty that the man loves her? Certainty that the man is ‘worth’ her time? Certainty that he passes the test? I understand. It’s a woman’s job to ‘test’ her man. We want to know that he’s going to stick it out through the tough times, and be there for us when things get ugly in life. Also when things get good. We want him to care for us at the deepest level, and love us like no other man could.
That’s natural. But the reason I’m bringing up this statement is because I would really like to see women begin to ask themselves why they’re doing things. What their goals are. And to stop just doing things on autopilot. And being on guard often (not that you do this; but perhaps some women you know do this?).
It’s natural for human beings to think of themselves; it’s intuitive. But, having the goal of getting all the control and all the power in a relationship doesn’t lead to healthy relationships. It’s not going to lead a woman to having an enviable love story – one that fulfills her and her man. (read my article about how to get him to propose)
For as long as we’re holding on to our need for certainty; we’re never going to find fulfillment. Fulfillment doesn’t come from keeping power to ourselves, and being on guard ‘just in case’. How can we fulfill our potential, and how can our relationships fulfill their potential if we make it a goal to play ingenuine mind games with a man?!
I’m not against game-playing. It depends on the reason and goal behind the game though. If it’s for fun, and you’re doing it to be more flirtatious and fun-loving, there’s nothing wrong with playing hard-to-get. Nothing at all. I recommend it completely. But for the women who are playing hard to get and have it as a goal to keep certain and in control; they will never find fulfillment.
I really do think that more men need to man up and last the test of time with their woman – they need to understand and embrace the woman’s ‘ocean of emotion’, and he needs to stand strong. This is what the masculine energy needs to do for the feminine energy. Feminine energy is more changeable. It is driven by emotion in a relationship, whilst the masculine energy is driven more by direction.
However, the very concept that a woman need seek power in a relationship supersedes her ability to love completely. Which is what a man wants (well, ONE of the things a man wants). And which is what a woman’s role is (covers self from ensuing physical attacks). Not only does a man want acceptance, he wants a woman who can give him love even when he makes huge mistakes – when he makes a wrong decision! (with exceptions, of course).
And it’s not just men, really, who wants someone to love them only when it’s easy?
The role of a feminine woman
Now, I know that above I said something which will anger some women, but those of you who know my work well know exactly what I mean. I’m not saying a woman should sit there and take bad treatment. Far from it. A feminine woman is not out there so seek control, see. Femininity is about opening to and giving love. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)
What kind of power?
My next logical statement (stemming from this idea of having all the power in a relationship) is:
There are different types of power. I think we all want some sort of influence or power (or at least, the feeling like we matter, feeling like we can influence the people who matter in our life, and that our opinion and position is noticed and appreciated). So, what type of power is good, exactly?
I think that the power to bring out the best in your man is a good power.
I think that the power to give love when we are afraid is true power.
I think that the power to show our vulnerabilities is true power.
I think the power to feel comfortable in our femininity and use it for the better is true power.
Far from being inspirational and lasting – having the power in the relationship through being chased ends up being a bit of a downer and is short-lived. And, I don’t mean that the ability to have a man chase you is short-lived. Far from it – I think in a passionate relationship; that the woman’s need to be chased should be fulfilled through the years. Both spouses should be playful and enjoy doing this.
I mean the ability to maintain the kind of power quoted above, which is achieved in vain, is short-lived.
I think being chased is great – but not for the kind of power that most people would want to be chased for. Most people want power because they want to hold on to their certainty and to protect themselves. Lots of women don’t do this to be playful. (read my article about how to be mysterious)
Our real power is in what we can give to others. Not what we can give or keep to ourselves.That includes the giving of and showing love.
I know I’ve been guilty of wanting to be the one ‘in control’ in a relationship, and that was long ago. I realized that it’s not sustainable, and I can’t stand dishonesty. Relationships aren’t about being in control, and having all the power. Again, it’s about what you can give. I see no point in having a relationship if you cannot learn to give to the other person.
When you truly love someone, and when you’re actually in love, it’s quite hard to really be in total control. Why? Because when you love someone that much, and you’re actually experience true love, you realize that it’s no longer about you.Whether subconsciously or consciously: the nature of human beings is that we would often do more for the people we love than we would do for ourselves. Many will even risk their lives for the ones we love.
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What is your opinion on power in relationships and dating?