I know that you have a busy day. Just give me 60 seconds and let’s to this quick little exercise. Think about a time where you felt incredibly beautiful. and feminine.

Even if you don’t feel beautiful now, you are courageous enough to feel what it was like to feel feminine and beautiful in the past.

So, just focus on a time where you just felt beautiful and feminine. I don’t mean attractive, I mean, beautiful and feminine. Attractive is too objective a description for what I’m talking about here.

How did you breathe when you went to that time when you felt beautiful and feminine? How did you feel, in your body? How did your skin feel?

In my bias, I feel that when we feel beautiful and feminine, we generally feel a softness in our body. A feeling that our bodily energy is circulating freely, and in a lively way, all through our body, giving us beautiful movement, and swaying hips. This is soft, not angular and directed. It’s also alive.

(Click here to take the quiz on “How Feminine Am I Actually?”)

Contrast with feeling in control and powerful

Now, take a quick moment to do this 30 second exercise. Contrast the feeling of being beautiful and feminine with the feeling of being in control and powerful. What was the image you had of yourself, when you thought of being in control and powerful?

Was there any tension in your muscles? How did your body feel then? And how did your skin feel?

(Do please share in the comments below, what images you instantly got in your mind when you thought of feeling powerful…)

Share:

What were you doing in the image in your mind?

Where were you going?

What are you wearing?

What is the look on your face?

For me, I’m walking down the street in a tight, mid length skirt, wearing heels, with tidy hair and nice heels. I’m walking down the street like I have a mission and like I’m in control of my own finances, career, and destiny.

Now, this is all very innocent.

This feeling of being powerful and in control is a gift that has been given to us through women’s liberation, and through our female ancestors wanting equality in earnings, voting, career…and whatever else they wanted equality in.

Moreover, this feeling of being powerful is a great gift we’ve given ourselves, showing all women everywhere that we are strong enough to provide for ourselves if we choose do to so.

Nowadays, we have more choices than ever, and in America, women CEOs made 40% more than their male counterparts in 2010.

Only, I have a problem.

I have a problem with thousands of women in my surveys, telling me that they are missing someone special to spend their life with. Telling me also, that getting commitment from men is harder than ever.

You are also suggesting to me in your survey responses that you are successful in your career, but feel deeply alone inside.

So, essentially, every opportunity has a cost.

The opportunity cost of being in control of our career, finances and lives

With the opportunity of feeling strong and in control, our sisters and daughters get wonderful futures that they don’t have to rely on a man to give them.

That’s great, only, the big costs with that are:

1) It’s very difficult, once we have practiced embodying a certain masculine energy, that we can then go and practice embodying different energies such as surrendering to our softer, flowing, feminine energy and letting ourselves be open to the strong direction of a masculine man; because we have learned to meet our needs by being in that habitual practice and we dis-own the softer, flowing energies.

2) If we are born more feminine than we are masculine in our DNA…our hearts and souls are actually suffering from not having that freedom to be in our feminine. In our biochemistry (roughly 80%) of women are feminine in their core, and as much as we CAN influence our biology, we can’t really change our DNA, as we’re  born with it.

3) Doing masculine things, (you know, that feeling we went to in that exercise before – being in control and powerful?) can dull our bodily energies and create great stress for our feminine hormonal balance, and our beauty. Feminine energy doesn’t thrive on challenge, and when we throw ourselves in to this highly challenging environment, we get good at doing things that involve focus and direction, BUT it doesn’t create the optimal environment to allow us to develop our feminine energy.

There is a study right here, that is of no surprise to me, it’s something we knew all along:

The higher the level of stress hormones in a woman, the less attractive her face was rated by men.

Now, at the end of the study, it says; ‘our study shows that if a woman wishes to look attractive, she should try to keep her stress levels down’.

And in another study done in Australia, they found that the stress of being in a job that we don’t like is much worse than having no job at all. Again, the STRESS of being in a job that we do not like is worse than the stress of having no job at all!

Doing masculine things gets us good at being masculine

Doing masculine things gets us good at being masculine. I know that is not very scientific to say that, but I believe we all can see that as human animals, we just get better and better at doing what we habitually do.

Can I give you some theory on this, too?

Masculine energy become greater, more masculine, through challenge. So, it thrives on CHALLENGE. Often, though, challenge creates a stress in the body that men who are masculine can become extremely skilled (and sexy) at dealing with.

The better men get at dealing with this, the hotter they are to us.

However, women who are born more feminine at their sexual core….our feminine energy doesn’t get enlivened with challenge or stress.

But…a lot of our jobs involve a lot of challenge and constant ‘go, go, go’ type of stress. Even the kind of jobs that cause us to have to push our emotions down can be problematic, unless we go home and actively make the time to re-live those emotions and let them flow through our body so we don’t end up with a back-log of fight or flight responses.

So, whilst our jobs are super important and career-minded women are wonderful and inspirational…neglecting our feminine is quite costly for our intimate relationships.

Doing masculine things can create disease and dull our beauty

When I spend time consulting with women in high powered (sometimes very public) careers who haven’t have as much time for their relationship as they do for their career, some part of me thinks about something I heard once somewhere. Something along the lines of….when women spend a lot of their day working with men, it can start to cause stress in their bodies and this can potentially also cause disease in their body.

Often, these jobs become all that we know, because we meet so many of our needs this way. And this is the problem we have as women. The problem is NOT that we work in masculine careers. It’s that we meet all our needs (eg; the need for significance and feeling worthy) through our masculine career…which, by default tends to put the needs of our core, our heart and our soul, on the back-burner.

From experience, back when I did my Law degree, not only was I more ‘tight’ in my body and more prone to illness, but I just wasn’t feeling as happy. Clearly I was meant for another career.

(Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

Back to feeling powerful and in control

You remember that feeling of being on control and powerful? Remember what it feels like in your body?

Well, it’s a directed feeling, a lot of the time. It’s the feeling that you’re going somewhere, that the energy in your body is constricted and gathered in to a tiny ball of energy, when, in your natural state, all the feminine energy within you would be flowing to your toes, your nipples, your lips, your eyes, your hair, and mainly, the energy would gather around your hips and bottom and thighs.

To do anything that requires masculine energy – most careers are masculine oriented, especially careers that have a lot of status attached to them such as being a lawyer, and careers where you have to meet deadlines, manage and direct people, and career where you have to fix things.

This can be healthy, and it’s very good to be able to be feminine and to be masculine. There is a beautiful gift in being this free to be both.

Only, sometimes, having a career and feeling powerful can feel totally obsolete and it can get old.

What about the freedom to identify with being a total Goddess?

What about the freedom to identify with being a total Goddess?

It IS very important to many women to have a high status job, or just a good career altogether, so that they can provide for themselves. Only, we tend to attach a lot of our identity TO that job – and so, in that process, we dis-own our native feminine identity.

What about your freedom to be and feel like a feminine goddess?

Authentic women’s power is not only in her ability to be in control of her life, you know?

If you’re in or near my generation, you probably grew up with this image of powerful women being CEOs and politicians. This is great!

However, the kind of power that makes us feel truly powerful is the depth of power that we access when we don’t deny our core drivers and core needs.

The alternative isn’t a submissive woman, but an attuned goddess

The alternative isn’t a submissive woman, but an attuned goddess.

If you’re more feminine at your core, real power is felt when you are able to surrender to your heart’s true desires rather than following the shell you might have created for yourself over the years to be enough for people.

Real power is felt when we surrender to a man who we trust sexually and spiritually. Out of choice, we choose to be taken, made love to so that every part of your body is wild with pleasure and the deliciousness of surrender and trust.

This is a beautiful gift that a powerful woman can give to herself and to her man.

Unless we are truly masculine at our core, often, the ‘power’ of being in control and the ‘power’ of having command over our finances, over our lives, our destiny, and the fight we fight to get there, is just such an unfulfilling kind of power when it’s not coupled with the power of a woman surrendering to her deeper drive to love a man deeply.

Being in control is even better when coupled with the power of feminine surrender

Being in control is even better when it’s coupled with the power of feminine surrender.

The reason being in control and having financial and career and managerial power can be even better when coupled with the power of a surrendered, but open and beautifully juicy woman is because, at the deepest core of our feminine, we are actually meant to be in tune with our feelings, emotions, senses and intuition.

When we can cultivate our feminine energy too, we open the door to becoming a higher value woman for relationships (just like a man is more high value to us in a relationship when he also has a well developed feminine energy and sensitivity).

What do you think you will choose?

I know from my own life that I can’t try to chase my law career without this NAGGING gut feeling that my soul and my heart are meant to love a man so deeply that he just can’t do anything but want to be with me.

What you could do to re-enliven your connection to your feminine identity

What you could do to re-enliven your connection to your feminine identity.

If you relate to this article at all, thanks for reading!

If you want suggestions on what to do, I want to remind you that you are a unique soul, and although I can give generalised advice here, you are still unique.

But for a practice, you can try to renew your connection to your emotions and senses, EVERY day, for at least 15 minutes.

Do something that brings to life your sensitivity to your intuition or your heart knowingness. Something that enlivens your senses to pleasure or pain, or both.

You can do this with someone you trust, or by yourself.

This kind of practice could also mean sitting in a quiet room and re-living the criticism from your past relationships, or re living the pain you felt with your relationship with your ex, or with your father or mother…and feeling what that really felt like to be with that person…so you have the power to not be with that kind of person again in the future.

Just renew your bodily memory and skill at connection to sensitivity and your feminine energy.

Another daily practice could also be dancing for the sheer sake of bodily enjoyment, it could mean painting your naked body with colourful paints, or it could mean sinking in to a hot bath.

Meanwhile, click here to register and watch the Commitment Masterclass for free.

email_polaroid

  • StarsCollide

    I love to be in my feminine. When things get stressful, I tell myself to slow down and breathe and feel my emotions in that moment. There are times I want to talk, and there are times I prefer to be quiet and relax and be in my body using my senses.

    • Super Janice

      I don’t really like to be in my feminine. When things get stressful, I would rather punch people!

      • StarsCollide

        🙂 There are times I want to punch people in the face!

    • Super Janice

      When things get stressful, I would rather…give myself more stress……

  • StarsCollide

    Beautiful article. Femininity is beautiful.

  • Pingback: xcmwnv54ec8tnv5cev5jfdcnv5()

  • Pingback: ccn2785xdnwdc5bwedsj4wsndb()

  • Nudj

    Renee,

    How do you feel about professions like surgery and anesthesia? These are professions in which we literally sometimes have more power than most women ever want, and the responsibility too. How do i stay humble? Sometimes when I’m doing everything right in the operating room it can be SO easy to say “well, I’m doing all this- I don’t need anyone!”

    When we succeed at these ridiculous jobs how do we keep from getting a “God” complex? Never a good idea and truly disastrous when a woman gets one.

    Thank you 🙂

  • LaToya Anderson

    I’m glad that you wrote that the advice given were generalizations about femininity. It’s only until recently that I have finally come to terms with both of my energies and what I need to feel my best self. What I realized is that femininity for me is the acceptance of all of my energies all flowing into, around, and through one another (masculine and feminine). You ask when I feel at my most feminine? When I’m at the weight rack lifting heavy weights because it brings out the goddess or phoenix in me. When I’m sitting in a calculus or physics classroom or lab because it exercises my intellectual abilities. See, I did and sometimes still do those more traditionally feminine things like dancing (studied classical ballet for many years), playing the violin, painting ect and, as much as I enjoyed them, I always felt like something was missing or that it never quite fit for me. I was either too large/muscular (ballet), too different (music) or was just made to feel that I was suppose to be less “me”. Then I would read articles like this and cry thinking “what’s wrong with me”.

    Thankfully I know now what makes me feminine. My ability to accept all of myself. That I cry at superhero action movies rather than romantic comedies, identify with Storm rather than Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, train like athlete rather than as a cardio queen, and cook like a boss and order takeout like a boss. The result? Men are flocking to me left and right.

    Surrender to yourself, what makes you completely and fully fulfilled, even if it doesn’t fit into the stereotype of the traditionally feminine woman. Be your fullest unadultered self by breaking down all those barriers that stop you from being who you are. And I guarantee that men will see that and be attracted to your energy. Your unique feminine energy.

  • Lymo

    I feel powerful when I make a difference in the lives of those around me, or if I feel like I am. That is power, right, since YOURE the one who has the influence? When I feel like I don’t have power, I get depressed. I feel shitty about myself if I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything. I feel so lighthearted, like there’s going to be no worries at all, when I feel powerful. Standing on top of a mountain, looking down at my accomplishments in happiness. How can you not feel that extreme giddiness when you feel like you’re accomplishing something?

  • cory

    When I felt most feminine AND most powerful, it was the same memory! lol! It was walking up to a man in black lingerie and thigh highs, taking him by the hand and leading him to a lap dance without saying a word. I’m an exotic dancer and i do feel the power I have over men through my femininity…but I feel like it’s a gift to them and that I’m more myself at work than any other job I’ve had.
    To be clear I only DANCE! I am not one of those “dancers” that really performs sexual favors in the back. (Although I don’t judge them, because I don’t want those kinds of customers anyway.) Just saying! :p

  • Pixie Pie

    When I feel powerful, I’m on the stage. Belting out the blues, or dancing the Burly Q. When I feel powerful, I’m making everyone in the audience feel what I want them to feel. Laugh when I want them to, cry when I want them to. And I have yet to meet a man that doesn’t find that sexy as hell. Especially my husbo. You can have it all. Be powerful AND beautiful!

  • Buy Essays, Research Papers, Term Papers, Thesis, & Dissertations.http://www.assignmenttutors.us/

  • Rios

    I’ve even been told when I go out dancing, stop trying to lead, lol. Talk about not letting a man lead, lol…

  • Rios

    Love this article. My only niece told me at 28 that i needed to be more affectionate and calm down because all she seen me do it work and she was 14 at the time. I never knew realize how right she was and I’m 34 now. Love this article. I used to think being submissive meant i had to give up my life to a man and be a stepford wife. I’ve been in control way to much and need some balance. Maybe this is why I keep meeting libras because they are suppose to be about balance, harmony and they love the arts which is something that I love aswell. I’m a cancer and they keep saying we domesticated and love everything family but I don’t want a family maybe because i saw the negative side of it and how every woman in my family was held back because of the men in their lives and no education and I don’t want that for myself. So I know i’m being stubborn and not listening to the universe, lol And this is why things are falling apart in my life. I know you get a lot of responses any advice from the community would help. I’m doing things daily to reconnect with my feminine side. I’ve even been told by both sexes that I look intimidating and even my ex noticed one time , when he hit me playing around I hit him hard, I guess all those kickboxing classes may me feel empowered but I’m really a dandelion,, I’m really delicate. I was assaulted before and I just have this love hate relationship with men. I love them but keep my distance from them because the wrong ones want me. i wish i knew how to be open more and trust men I really need help. the last time someone made love to me i was 21 and im in my 30’s. This guy ignited my body but he had kids by 5 different women which he never mentioned and lied about. I want be open and express myself spiritually and emotionally and sexually to a man but its hard to trust. Trying not to cry as I write this. I was submissive before but not long and i’ve been cheated on too. so I dont know I need help because I want love.

    • Nicole Ar

      34 but you talk like a little girl.

  • Denise

    I knew it was time when at 31 The Dr. told me my pressure was high and kept me. not only that my right arm and neck started hurting. I’ve always been in great shape even did a little modeling. but that wasn’t enough. Every for the past year i connect with myself. I was with a guy who was working before but then got laid off, all the responsibility fell on me. Just like it did when I was 10. My mom passed when I was 14 and my father threw everything on me on purpose because he felt a woman should do everything and he was lazy. this was a big contributing factor to my mothers death at the young age of 39 besides the verbal and physical abuse she endured before escaping and only had 5 years to herself before she passed. her heart and spirit gave out. recently in 2012 I lost everything my home, job even all my belongings which wasn’t much. I was with a guy like I said that got lazy and everything fell on me. My hormones were out of waco too. I had an increase in testosterone , hairs popping out of weird places. I looks stressed, when I left that relationship and got back to myself, i started looking younger again and my heart was at ease. I’m glad i lost all those things because it forced me to get back t my feminine self. I feel what I need to feel and allow myself to be a woman. I was taught to be tough and no man would take care of me and I carried this over into my adult life because of how I grew up. No wonder the men I meet are married and taken and they want me and I don’t play that. Then when I do meet a guy, he doesn’t want to spend money or provide. One guy saw where I lived and thought i was rich just because I had a doorman and before we were suppose to go on date to a concert he had the nerve to ask me if I could eat before we went out because he didn’t have the money. Even though he had a job and the tickets he got were free. I never saw him or talk to him again.

    My ex, i was very feminine with him but he didn’t care that I wanted to do things to spice of the relationship, he wouldn’t let me be submissive sexually, I found out why because he was cheating on me the whole time. I was so good to that man and stayed in my lane as far as beig feminine. A lot of things you said in the few articles i read since I first started getting them last month. I was that way. Sometimes I feel like me and you, renee are kindred souls because I ‘m a lot like the women you tell women to be like. but this guy didnt appreciate it. I guess this is what happens when you are with one guy. he caught me young. sometimes I get angry and feel like i spent my best years on him when I could have been dating and seeing what else was out there and I know my life would have been different. I took on the ,masculine role and he took on the feminine. He met a woman who has been take care of herself since she was a little girl and it benefitted him.

    I need t get back my sensual self on a regular basis. So I can attract the right type of man. I’m attracting men, never had a problem with that, it almost bothered me. I didn’t know how to deal with men being attracted to me, It would give me anxiety. At times i stop dressing sensual because it was bad and I had low self esteem, no matter how many times people complimented me. i would stay in sweats and tshirt and a hat and shades to avoid being seen. Even though i did modeling and i was on t.v. I felt wearing make up was to much. I realize once again its because my father always made me feel ashamed f my body and my curves , men always hit on me, i felt like being a woman was a curse. I realize a lot of ways my father damaged me because of how his mother treated him and thats the reason why he hates women.

    Thank you for this article. Its just confirmation that I’m on the right path. All your articles are just confirmation.

  • Denise

    Hi Renee,

    I havent even finish reading the article and I know where you are going with this. For so long being on my own and even when I was with someone, I had to be in control all the time and it ddnt make me feel beautiful at all. My father never took care of us so i learned from an early age to work since I was 10. I’m 34 now and I’m very very feminine but when I have to be in control, it throws me off, especially when I have to do eveyrthing and people dont help me, even when I ask. I know that when I relax and even when I’m not working. I get to be feminine in my core. Especially when I relax and I listen to my music and I feel alive and beautiful. I allow myself to be in the moment. I have been told by men that they notice my walk, the sway in my hips, that glow in my eyes. When I submit to my feminine energy and masculine energy. I’m learning to be more open to love. Its just that I’m afraid and I’ll admit that because I tend to meet guys who want to hold me back or get in my way of me living my life or pursuing a dream and I know love is not like that. I keep meeting men who want a wife and kids and I don’t. I I’m open to love but not on a permanent basis

  • Jessica

    I work in security, which is considered a masculine profession. I really do my best to balance my masculine and feminine energies. I was taught to be tough and independent and that no man is going to take care of me. My masculine energy sometimes override my feminine energy. I’m working on keeping the balance between those energies. I still feel the need and drive to be in control, yet I also feel light and sensitive. I agree with Diamond. It’s my life and I’ll be as hard or soft and as open or closed as I want to be.

  • Marriedlady

    Hi Renée. I’m struggling with this in my life. I’m trying to relax and let go and follow my husband’s path. The problem is my career is very stressful and I’m a very feminine woman and I feel when going to work I get drained of my energy and I feel taken advantage of I feel not good enough and I feel like the underdog. I don’t come home feeling masculine but I come home feeling beat up and drained. I’m surrounded by extremely masculine woman who push me around and all I want to do is run home into the arms of my husband. I really wish I could be a stay at home wife however financially I need to work. My husband’s work and money pressure he even pressures me even more to be confident at work but It feels so against my nature. I feel like my husband pushing me to be more masculine and then I just end up feeling alone. I don’t know what to do can you offer me any advice

    • Super Janice

      How can I know whether I am feminine or masculine?

  • Teagan

    Thank you for this post Renee. Nine months ago I started a new job, after a few years flitting around with studying, waitressing and administrative work, this was my first real “career woman” type job. I had no idea what I was getting myself into!! It’s been such a horrendous experience!! It’s a big well-known corporation, and a 100% masculine environment, with tons of pressure and relentless targets, sales goals, back-slapping and throwing footballs, and all about the money with constant aggressive emails from management about “victory” and “defeating the competition”. I sit at my desk freaking out because I can’t “close the deal and make it happen” (all with footballs whizzing past my head), and do “weird” things on my lunchbreak like driving through nearby countryside, blaring music with the windows down (not weird at all of course, but it would be to my co-workers). I thought it would get better, but around the same time you wrote this post I had been very honest with myself about what I was feeling, and I have since been planning my escape.

    I remember sitting in my car one morning, dreading turning it on and driving to the office, and then I read this post on my phone and I felt like I wasn’t going though this alone. When everyone else expects women to define themselves through a high-flying career, and to be embarrassed if you’re at a gathering and don’t have an impressive answer to “so what do you do?”, you put us back in touch with our feminine soul and remind us that we are already enough.

    It’s been a very hard time in my life, I’ve never been so stressed out, I look back at who I was before I started and I see a different person today…lifeless, overweight, frumpy, hiding at home on a Saturday night…when I used to be slim and fit and happy, going out with my friends and frolicking on the beach in adorable dresses. However, I also see there was a part of me that was pushy and scared when I took this job, thinking I had to prove myself with a top notch job in order to be worthy.

    So in a weird way I am actually thankful for this awful experience, because it put me even more in touch with my feminine soul while in such a contrasting situation, and made me see that I have been brainwashed my whole life into thinking I need a career to define me, and that belief had a hold over me…but now I am aware that I had that subconscious FALSE belief, I am free!! Anyway I am quitting this week and I can’t wait…I might be receiving another job offer for something very fun and lighthearted, basically planning fun parties, but even if I don’t, I know I will find my way and be ok. YOU have been such a big part of my life with your blog posts and courses, and I can never thank you enough…I’m sure you get hassled by grouchy people online, but I want you to know you have completely changed my life…if I didn’t read your blog posts, I wouldn’t hear this kind of thing anywhere else and I’d be clueless.

    • Hi Teagan!

      Thanks a lot for your comment. It means a lot to me. It’s wonderful that you’ve been able to feel the effects that ths job has had on you. Sometimes when we desensitise ourselves to do such a job, we don’t notice.

      Renee.

      • Teagan

        You are right! I think I had desensitized myself until now, but this experience woke me up and I am so grateful!

  • S

    Hello Renne,

    thank you so much for this artcle. I too feel incredibly beautiful when I am not stresssed. But are you saying it’s wrong to have your own profession? Could you be more specific about what you mean by masculine/fsminine professions?
    Currently I am studying International business and though I admit that there are times that I am stressed I love to study and if in the future I can study maths ~I would be very happy to do so. I would not mind to gain less tha my husband as long as I had my own cosmetics or shoes store or had a library next to my house. I would love to folow my profession by helping others feel good about their appearance. Idk, what do you think? Though I have these ideas I do want to surrender myself entirely to a man. I just get sad that being a businesswoman even applying my profession to more feminine field such as cosmetics might be bad? 🙁

  • Rue

    Hi Renee 🙂
    First of all , great website. I’ve been following your work for years and I love how your advice becomes deeper, more mature and heartfelt over time.
    Second, I would like to say that I actually feel more powerful and in control when in my feminine essence. I know it sounds weird but I promise you it’s true. This is mainly because I feel more free to be myself and therefore I can do things out of love. I believe even some of the most masculine jobs can be done from a feminine place which to me means that I’m doing it out of love, and “feminine leadership” can be just as powerful as masculine leadership. A prime example of this would be cleopatra , who to me represents the ultimate example of feminine leadership and power.
    I would like to hear your thoughts 🙂

  • diamond

    When I feel powerful, I think of myself nude among nature and the stars. I think of myself at the shoreline of a lush island, greeting the waves and bathing in the sun…..eating fruit and drinking water….maybe some cocktails too.

    I’m in a masculine profession. I dance with abandon and wear my feminine power and sensuality to insulate me from the perils of stress. I just refuse to be bothered and hurried…..sure I’ve been mislabeled…..misunderstood as an artist and a woman working in a profession that is colorless and emotionless.

    When I think about control, I think about self.control and internal regulation of energies. I’m deeply feminine and hot (passionate), breezy and I can be quite firm about holding on and protecting my flowering energy. So I suppose I use my own masculine energy to protect and defend what I really am….. deeply sensitive individual.

    This is my life, damnit and I’ll be as soft or hard, and as open or closed as I wanna be.

Send this to a friend