He pursued this 47 year old woman on Facebook for one year. She fell in love with him! She discovered that he was pursuring other women, and he disappeared.

What advice do you have for Yasmin?

What would you do?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Question

Hello Renee,

First I want to thank you and let you know that I truly enjoy reading your notes.

The reason why I finally got the courage to e-mail you is because I got something bothering me very much about this man I met through Facebook and I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends about what happened to me.  

I am a 47 yr old married woman, I feel confident that I am attractive for my age, I work out, am a dance instructor and passionate about Arabic/belly dance…My husband and I have been having marriage problems.  We have been married for 25 years and feels as if our relationship is growing apart, I am starting to lose interest in him.

So, two years ago this man started following me on Facebook, he is from another country. He started by saying beautiful comments on my pictures and posts, sending messages to my wall, texting me via messenger, every morning I received a good morning sweet note, every night a good night kiss note and on, and on, and on…

It took me a while to answer his messages, I would answer a couple then stop because I wasn’t sure how to react or feel.  This has never happened to me before, or at least I forgot the feeling of someone pursuing me so intensely.

Eventually, of course, I started chatting, and answering his sweet e-mails. I felt that I was on cloud nine, I loved it! I thought I was in love!! (with a stranger).  

We started talking on What’s Up, long beautiful conversations about all and nothing…I wanted to meet him in person and he told me the same.

After long, maybe a year or so I started noticing other women liking his posts.  

I got very curious and started looking into the profiles of these girls.  My heart broke to see the notes he had sent to mainly one of them; he was also in love with her! the notes to her were before I met him and then they seemed to be less and less as time went by, but every now and then he would write a note to her.  (I even wrote down the dates of the notes to compare with when he started writing to me).  On other girls I saw his comments as to how beautiful they are and so on…I was so heartbroken!

It took me a while to text him and tell him that I had read his notes to other women, and how I had naively thought I was the only one receiving them.

He texted me back saying: Always be happy princess, take care of yourself. Never again did I hear from him nor does he ever make any comments on my posts.

I am mad, frustrated and hurt for almost innocently thinking I was his only one.

How could I have ever believed and fall in love with a total stranger and specially on Facebook.?

…Do you think I did the right thing by letting him know? How do I get him out of my mind? It is painful because he is someone that got in my head, that no matter where I go or what I do, he is still in my head! ugh!!!

I hope I made sense of all this non-sense and I sincerely would appreciate any advice on this.

Thank you very, very much!

Yasmin

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> My response

 

Hi Yasmin,

Thanks for your kindness and for your email.

This is not a situation anyone wants to be in, and yet it is a situation anyone could be in.

Click here to take the quiz on How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?

I want you to know that it isn’t your fault and that I totally understand how frustrating it must be that he got into your head – all for nothing. Costing you all this energy, hurt, worry, anger.

A year is a long time to get caught up in this. It concerns me (the time frame).

I want you to know that my response is based on what you’ve told me, and on my beliefs, as well as my experience working with many women from around the world.

But I am just one person writing back to you based on having read an email from you. I am not you. So – Always think for yourself, use my words if you feel they guide you, and throw out anything that doesn’t sit with you right now.

This situation brings to mind two important problems:

1) You entered this situation from a place of disempowerment. A lack of resourcefulness. It seems like you became involved because you felt a lack of attention, appreciation and importance in your life, and this man has capitalised on that, just as you capitalised on his flattery and attention.

2) There needs to be more integrity and commitment to your husband. As without it, it leaves you extra vulnerable (in a low value way) not just to this strange man on Facebook – but to everybody. You could consider that if you don’t find it within you to commit to your husband, (or to a cause beyond yourself if you want to separate from him), you will be easily manipulated, being privy to other people’s wants – and other people’s taking advantage of you.

When a strange man can access you on Facebook…

Firstly, were your Facebook posts public?

As I’m wondering… how did he come to even find you or have access to anything that you post? I am assuming your profile picture was public? I’m sorry if I’m wrong.

This is important – why is any strange man able to access any information about you, let alone a picture of you? Your face and its image are precious; not just anybody should be able to have access to your profile picture on Facebook.

I’ve seen your face in gmail from your email – you are a beautiful woman. Don’t share yourself with just anyone.

If it was by accident that he found you, I understand, but then my concern is that you were in a place in your life that was so un-resourceful that you didn’t block him off when he tried contacting you. (I’m here to try to help you get to a resourceful place – but after all, it’s something I have to help myself with daily, too. It is not easy. It is a commitment to yourself.)

The fact that you felt opportunistic in the moment. If you don’t feel love and passion with your husband, and you are unsure what to do about that (or whether to do anything at all), then you were of course vulnerable to any strange man’s advances.

The first step, based on my rules, is to make everything private. You don’t need any random man contacting you. Be careful who you let in. You are a high value woman – a high value woman, in my definition, isn’t easy to find information on.

She is more mystery than she is known.

A High Value woman is more mystery than she is known. 

Put a high price on information about yourself, on access to information about yourself.

This speaks to the right men.

The high quality men will judge you on this on Facebook. Men will pick up on whether a woman is still dabbling in giving her energy to other men, and whether she’s still seeking attention from other men (unable to fully devote herself to one man).

Leaving posts public is a way for people to consider that you may want strangers seeing your stuff and giving you attention.

Some high quality men are sensitive to this. Thankfully. They should be, as if a woman does this, then he is wary of committing to her at all – why would he, when her eggs are in a few baskets? It’s risky for him to put all of his eggs in her basket if she’s still seeking attention and floating around on Facebook.

Do you think you might benefit from making your Facebook and information exclusive?

If you do, you could try to keep your life and yourself private and only for the people whose intentions have passed your bullshit radar.

Find out if you are high value high status on Facebook with our quiz here.

The next point is…

Yasmin, it is lonely being in a marriage where you are losing interest in your man. I feel it would be lonely and I am sorry if this is indeed how you are feeling.

I do want to ask, are you and your husband truly not right for each other?

Or are you at a point where you need to grow and find new ways to connect with him, or to show him how his disconnection from you hurts you?

It is all too easy to think we are losing interest in somebody. 

The harder road is to take responsibility. It is the road I suggest though, because it is the way that adds the most value to who you are. Who you are is all we have in the end.

Do the right thing, take responsibility.

it isn’t your fault that your marriage is in this place, and neither is it your husband’s fault.

But it’s not about fault – it’s about responsibility. It is our responsibility to do whatever it takes to remain devoted to the man we love – make the life changes necessary to be fully able to gift to him.

This will give you renewed purpose. I’m not asking you to do it forever.

This is my belief: most women wouldn’t choose to agree with me on it.

Look into your husband’s face, see his eyes. See the man he is. Feel him. Is he worthy of your commitment for 5 minutes to do this? After so long together, does he not deserve you to feel him, connect to him?

Take this quiz and find out if you’re dating a commitment friendly man.

Maybe he doesn’t, but that is up to you to assess. I will entrust that to you.

You’ve committed 25 years to this man. You married him, you kissed him and said your vows, you’ve trusted him and maybe even cried with him. You’ve been through things together. he has committed 25 years of his life to you, as well.

Do you know what that is?

That is incredible.

Some people never get any commitment from another human being, let alone 25 years of marriage. It is not something to take for granted. It is, I believe, something to be so tenderly grateful for – every human being always has other options, other people interested in them.

Yet, you guys committed a quarter of the average human life to each other.

What does it mean to you now?

Does it mean anything?

(I’m not religious, by the way).

Sure, if you and your husband need to part ways, that is perfect too.

If you consider these questions and find that don’t want to throw your marriage away, then try to re-connect with him, just look into his eyes, touch his arm.

Feel him as the human that he is, alive and breathing, and ever vulnerable, just like you.

And as for rekindling your passion? I have a lot of information on that – it is too much to go into a lesson on that here. You can check out our courses on attraction – or email our team who might have a couple of great ideas for you.

Integrity, Loyalty and Commitment

And now about integrity and commitment, the second point.

I believe any long term relationship that is loving and passionate – the kind of relationship other people envy, has at its core, two people of integrity.

I don’t believe (objectively speaking) that any relationship is immune to infidelity – because without any choice to have absolute loyalty to our man or woman (yes, it is a choice), anyone could become be a cheater.

And anyone could just momentarily decide to value their own needs over committing to their man or woman.

Loyalty is a choice, and integrity is a choice. You and I choose them because we value them, or not.

Both loyalty and integrity are against what the human body wants by default – or when it is lazy and going with the flow.

(Read more on loyalty here.)

Both loyalty and integrity are against what we would do when we are looking to fill our own needs and not considering others.

Both of these values require a person of extreme strong character and self sacrifice. And I don’t believe these traits are beyond any of us. I don’t always have these traits, but I think I strive to have them. I am also blessed that my husband has more of it than any human being walking this earth. He inspires me, and there will never be another like him. I didn’t know they made men like him, but they do!

Getting tricked by the story of how things are “in our head”…

Some would say that relationships do not ever work when you have one or two people going into it to fill their own needs – to take what they can get. This is also what appears to have happened with you.

You needed the story. The story that someone was madly in love with you, and so you believed you were also in love with him (which I wonder if this is really true or not). I believe, from the information I have, that you were in love with the story, not him.

What this means is – based on my personal experience – as I’ve done the same thing too – that you were more sensitive to what you were getting out of the situation than you were to where he was at.

As I write this, I’m afraid that it might come across as if I’m analysing this heartlessly, but I assure you that is not what I mean to do.

As I write, I feel the pain that we all feel in relationship – who hasn’t been in a situation similar to this? If not in dating, in other areas of life. It is simply a human thing. It is not a failure. It is a human thing.

We get sold into terrible situations when we are not truly present with other people, when we don’t question what perspective they are coming from as they enter our life.

I’ve done it before, and the worst thing is when you really have that lightbulb moment ‘a-ha!’ you realise the person isn’t who you thought they were, but that the signals were there all along, but you missed it because you weren’t looking, you were….sold instead, on a story in your mind.

We’re all vulnerable to this. Part of the journey of being a woman is learning to trust that the story in our head about love can’t be trusted. We have to really objectively look at a man’s actions and intent. Hah. Objective. Since when is anyone objective in matters of relationships? That’s what I mean, it’s hard to do, but it makes you smarter and so it is worth it.

Only what is real can be trusted

Only what is real can be trusted. And what is real can be sensed in the moment, when we are present with someone, and if we choose to think about where they are coming from.

What isn’t real is what happens when two people come together out of a desperate need of something from the world, based on something they feel they haven’t got (for example, attention, the feeling that they are good enough and sexy enough, and have plenty of opportunities in dating).

Because…then, it is not about the two people involved; it’s about the selfish needs of either person. Each member of the relationship is sensitive mainly to themselves only.

I believe that if you began your relationship loving your husband, and you truly did love him and he loves you, then there is possibility that you should stay and choose to commit yourself fully, no hesitation, just full out giving to him and trusting that he has good intent – for 3 months.

If you do this, then you will have regained a purpose outside of yourself – the purpose of rebuilding your relationship and the passion and love you have for one another. It is not hard to do, if you truly believe it is possible, and if you want to do it.

How could you have believed and fallen in love with a total stranger? Especially on Facebook?

Well, the answer is simple. It’s just that you got something you wanted at the right place at the right time, with the totally wrong person.

The way in that you were responding to him, and the way that you describe your feelings during the process makes it look like you were just being opportunistic.

The opportunity to get the attention came along, so you took it – from a stranger.

And his actions towards you seem manipulative and opportunistic.

When we are being opportunistic and trying to get what we want out of something – we cannot and do not question the other person’s motivation as we are desensitised by our own “need”. This is what I believe. I wonder if you feel the same as you read this?

How can we avoid this happening again?

Sometimes in life, certain shit just happens. We can’t avoid everything. Don’t be too hard on yourself. One day you’ll share this story with another young person who needs to hear it and who will value your story.

But if you are interested in reducing the chances of getting into a situation like this, I suggest finding a purpose larger than yourself. Believe something greater than yourself. You have to dig really deep for this, and you have to truly believe it.

This purpose will help you gain confidence and certainty.

It will help you to gain the strength necessary to know you have plenty of options with men. There are men out there who will shower attention on you because they are not picky, and they are desperate and bored.

Then there is a rare man who will connect with you, and love you truly. Is that man already your husband?

If you have a purpose outside of yourself, it may also help you meet your own needs for significance, for connection and love a bit better.

So – what do you believe in? What or who would you die for? Feel deeply about it.

What to do now?

Nothing specific you need to do – other than commit to finding a purpose beyond yourself; to give you real strength.

Just trust that you have all the options in the world. Men are everywhere. You are a woman. Men will always be wanting you, finding you beautiful, wanting your feminine energy.

(learn more about feminine energy here).

And carry this belief and certainty around with you.

Nobody can ever be you, only you can. There is only one you, and no one can leave your mark or your beauty or energy – only you can.

This makes you perfect for the man who is perfect for you.

And never forget: any attention you get is short-lived and cheap, especially from strangers as it is meaningless attention.

The only attention you need is your own and that of a man that you trust – the depth and meaning you gain from this will massively out-do any half-assed attention from snorting pigs (a type of men) out there preying on you and other women.

Do you want to find out the 17 Attraction Triggers? Click here

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  • Anita

    Great advice !!

    To Renee:
    Congrats on being a mom again:))
    I was wondering if you could share something about how older women can maintain their radiance? Most cultures these days are so shallow – oriented towards youth and outside appearances; older women are looked down on in those cultures…most guy prefer a youthful woman – so I was wondering whats your take.

    Another thing , I heard someone argue that for a man a woman is always replaceable. That:
    -Since a romantic relationship is secondary to the life goal for men they find it easier to walk away from relationships( which in my experience its true).
    -And even if he loses a woman he loves, a man still knows he can eventually replace her. No woman is irreplaceable for a man(!)

    This was hard to hear. Mostly because no woman would ever think the man she loves is replaceable. When she is in love she wouldn’t even want to think about such stuff. I’d like to think that its the same for men, but what do you think?

    • Where did you hear this Anita? (the stuff about women being replaceable to a man in a relationship but men not being replaceable to a woman in a relationship?)

      Of course it is hard to hear. It’s not very inspiring; and I’d need more information on where you heard it to put it in to context. I have my opinion on it but will refrain for now.

      • Anita

        Thanks for your response, Renee!

        I asked my friend and she got it from a book called ‘The Way of the Superior Man’ by David Deida. She agrees with the book.

        I even got a quote:

        “For most men, their woman is replaceable. Harsh, but true. If you are like most men, you know, deep down, that if you were to lose your present woman, you would deeply grieve, but you could eventually find another. Many times, in fact, you have probably fantasized about finding another woman even before you lose the one you have. Because a man’s priority is his mission, he will always gravitate to a woman whom he feels would most support his mission. If he feels another woman would enliven him and give him more energy for his work,he might desire her as an intimate partner.

        However, you are lodged in the heart of your woman. She feels you all day. She senses where you are at. Feeling-threads from her heart are connected to your heart, day and night. You are not replaceable in her perception. She does not frequently consider other options, as you probably do. Whereas you live in a world of relational possibility, she lives in a world of relational actuality. Your relationship with her is not only at the core of her life, but is also the main determinant of her mood.”

        Please let us know what you think of this.

        • Ah, The Way of the Superior Man 🙂 my plan is to write a blog post response to you; it’s a good topic. If I don’t, I’ll write a short reply to you here.

          • Anita

            🙂

  • He Mim

    In a sense this man has been honest enough to abandon the lady early in the process… that should have been enough to set her straight. These situations happen a lot in social media. Good article!

  • Elly

    Hi Renee – Im not sure if you have already but I think doing some research and a blog on Narcissists and NPD would be really valuable to some of the women who read your posts…

    • Hi Elly, lol, i had to read this 3 times…I was wondering if you were saying the women who read this blog are narcissists and I should try to help them…

      I get it, you mean dealing with men who are narcissistic. The best kind! Thanks for your suggestion, I have looked in to it before and may apply it in the future in my work.

      • Elly

        Sorry not put very well was it! Glad you understand though. I have been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse and it can really ruin your life. Your blogs and emails have helped me understand alot of things though, particularly about being low value – which is what you end up like after this kind of abuse. I have also found EFT, or tapping has really helped with this…particularly Brad Yates who does some wonderful stuff for low self esteem and value. I wonder if any other ladies out there would find it useful? Anyway thank you for all your hard work it is greatly appreciated 🙂

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gF9wG17xXM

  • Mona

    I totally understand a woman of any age being enchanted by the sweet words of a man, online or in real life. But it baffles me how Yasmin, who is from my generation, could think it was “being in love”, even in its most shallow interpretation. My advice would be as well to patch it up with her husband. Put him first for a while. Imagine how his “happily ever after” would look like. He will most likely return the affection. True love is loving somebody even when they are not very lovable at times. Romantic new “love” is glorified in movies and popular culture, and in society as a whole, but in reality it is one of the most selfish things. It’s all about feeling special and good about ourselves. There is nothing wrong with that, but we should be aware of it and see it for what it is.

  • nena

    “Pursuing me so intensly”?by commenting on your posts or chatting with you via messenger? That’s not pursuing!there is no time,money or effort invested!the man is just a player and he did the same with other women!it didn’t cost him anything to send good morning or good night! I think high value women for the reason that they know their worth,they expect from other people to behave accordingly,that is to invest on them a lot more than a few beautiful words!talk is cheap anyway!!!!

  • Nerissa

    Renee, could you explain the purpose behind keeping your profile private? You said, “Your face and your image are precious”. Why do you think that?

    • StarsCollide

      From my understanding, It means keeping one’s life mysterious a bit from other people. There are stuff in our lives that not a lot of people should find out where we were, who we were with or what we ate. It frustrates me too read and look at photos that are available for everyone to see! It’s like keeping secrets for yourself and make other people wonder a bit about you behind that profile picture. My thoughts and the depth of who I am are only for those people who accept me and who I care about. Don’t tip your hand too much. Lay something on these sites but not every single thing! Instead of going to these websites to post our inner most thoughts, it is much better to shut the laptop for an hour or two and step outside nature, meditate or drink tea. 🙂

      • J.a. Ct

        In social situations, high value people would not discuss their intimate affairs outside of their partner or closest family and friends. The same thing should be considered with Facebook (or social media). We would not want Joe F.’s friends of friends of friends to know the details of your steamy date. It is a low value action because it appears the profile is public for attention. This is very counter intuitive at the moment because we have “celebrities” discussing literally anything on social media.

        If and when I want my friends to know something on Facebook, I will say little but to the point. Otherwise, I am highly cryptic if I feel there is something to learn but want to protect people’s privacy. It indirectly creates mystery.

        The problem with an online presence like Facebook is cached photos. People can also save your photo to their computer or your photos can be saved within a search engine. Families find their social media photos redone and used for mal-intent. Your beauty and essence should be treated with the highest respect and highest regard of people. We should not settle for less

        • StarsCollide

          Glad there are people like you who values what they post on social media.

          I know someonewho loves to keep posting to get likesand comment even from strangers whom he likes to add on his facebook! I get horrified how these people get to see our family pictures! They are very personal and be simply put ONLY FOR THE FAMILY! It is like he has an audience he has to please and keep commenting how “happy” he is in real life.

    • Hi Nerissa,

      Thanks for reading the post and thanks for your comment.

      As for your question, do you really want to know or are you just asking?

      • Nerissa

        I would really like to know

        • I said the part you quoted in the context of understanding that making your Facebook image and profile public has costs.

          Those costs include – some men seeing it as unfavourable (a woman who is seeking attention from just strange men is more suspicious), it includes more people having more access to your information at no cost at all – our information is valuable, why give it to just anybody at no cost? Esp because we are looking for approval, attention, popularity, love and competition for facebook likes (as can be the case with public posts as those get the most likes).

  • J.a. Ct

    It does amaze me at times the volume of written and photographic material people will share on Facebook. I agree 100% that high value women will post little of anything on that site. High value women are stage 2 & 3 according to the interview with Michaela Bohm. Stage 2&3 women would find it a cumbersome necessity. I was so tired of low value guys bombarding me with friends requests. I removed my profile pix to a painting and switched to follow only. I barely post anything on that site. I do not need the validation.

    I was 300 pounds and really unhappy. I was so fed up with accepting mediocrity. I, slowly, lost 150 pounds, worked hard on the inside and grew immensely. I became a lover of life, felt boundless and learned to love myself again. My ex decided to stay in old patterns — the triggers for my addiction. We grew apart and moved on in good terms. Yasmin needs to value herself, work within honesty and integrity and find out why she is so unhappy in her marriage. She also needs to follow the advice with Facebook knowing that profile pictures can not be downgraded from public view.

    • Wow J. a., 150 pounds, that’s such an incredible thing to have done for yourself. Well done. And thank you for sharing here!

    • StarsCollide

      Your message here is a gift. I know what you mean about showing off on Facebook. But some people I know need to post single time to get likes and comments and validation.
      What are the three stages of women?

      • J.a. Ct

        Stage 1 is self. It is about fulfilling basic needs (housing, clothing, food, etc). It is also the level where we are most selfish. For example, one dresses or acts to create attention to themselves. It is a low value stage. Stage 2 is where we are independent. We are in a stage where we can function without the help of others. Examples: change a light bulb, change car oil, etc. Stage 2 is high value where we do not need to chase others to fulfill our needs. Stage 2 women are empowered and confident to find a high value man. They do not need the man to fulfill. They want a quality man to share their life. This is also the stage where we start to help others. Stage 3 is the highest stage where we try to do go for the betterment of our community and society. Parenting is a stage 3 act.

        • StarsCollide

          I did not know that!
          I also read from one of David Deida’s stages of a feminine woman (stage 1 , 2 & 3) by opening her heart.

          • J.a. Ct

            It is from David Deida. This is how she surmised it in her interview with Renee.

            • StarsCollide

              It is?? That’s awesome! We probably read the same book by David Deida!

  • Melissa Jaeger

    I am a big fan of Renee, her approach to relationships and her advice here is (as always) unbelievably kind, sensible and inspiring.

    Yasmin it must be very hurtful in your situation. I’ve never commented before on this website yet today I feel compelled to. There a 2 things screaming out at me as red flags, in the first few sentences alone.

    1. You are married.
    2. This is all online. Not face to face, real time.

    We have all gotten caught up in the good feelings, being pursued, flattered by a man and he turns out to be a disappointment. It is even harder when not feeling we are being respected and loved from those closest to us.

    I love Renee’s quote- loyalty is a choice. Integrity is a choice.

    Much of online communication is insincere. You can present yourself on facebook however you want, disappear whenever you want. I watch too many girlfriends get swept up in the potential, not what is tangible. I’ve been guilty of it too.

    It’s a short term fix. Live life to it’s fullest, give the world your best self. Conduct yourself with intergrity, surround yourself with only those who deserve your loyalty.

    • Thanks for commenting Melissa, I love what you said: “surround yourself with only those who deserve your loyalty” 🙂

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