Is Having Low Value Friends Even Worth It?

“Hi could you write an article on how to recognize/meet/make friends with similar minded/good-hearted/positive women? Most of my friends tended to be kinda selfish, lazy, admitted being jealous of me for whatever reason even though I always praised them on the good I saw in them to make them love themselves, but they mostly focused on the negative.

In the end I realized I was drained being in their presence. I always gave and gave my time, understanding and loyalty, and very few times did I get the same care from them. I couldn’t tolerate being friends with people who didn’t even meet half of the standards I set for friendship anymore (I live my own standards so I don’t expect what I’m not).

I’m alone now and have my family, but after I ended my crappy friendships I feel much more energized yet peaceful. I’m not saying good women don’t exist, it’s just that some people are dealt with the not so good ones.

Also, what are your thoughts on men and women being friends? I personally learned women can’t exactly be ‘friends’ with men because sooner or later the men (often) starts developing feelings, at least in my experience.” – Marta.

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You’ve asked a very good question, Marta. A very relevant question, I should say, because friendship isn’t easy in the current state of the world.

Everyone lives fragmented lives, and this is not how humans have been doing it for hundreds of thousands of years before now. We lived in tribes, where we knew everybody, and what would benefit ourselves would likely also benefit the tribe as a whole.

Nowadays, our own goals and wants don’t often benefit our friends’ goals. Unless we work together, go to school together, or share a passion/hobby together.

I have unconventional views on friendship. Many people think it’s great to have lots of friends around you, and that if you don’t have any friends, you are lacking something very valuable in your life.

Not only that, but many people who don’t actually have friends try to make out (create an image) that they have very close friends, or that they have lots of friends because it is sometimes considered horrifying to be a “loner”.

You’ve noticed this on Facebook, right? Sometimes people try to appear like they have lots of friends, but don’t be fooled. They may have lots of friends, but really, they are just acquaintances, or people to hang out with.

Take this quiz to know How High Value Are You in Facebook

I used to think this way too. I used to try to make lots of friends. And I’ve been through times where I’ve had tonnes of friends, and times where I’ve had none. The times where I’ve had none have been painful. I adore people.

Having had both experiences (lots of friends and no friends), it’s become obvious to me that what you’re describing in your question has truth in it: Yes, most people make terrible friends. This is partly because again, we live fragmented lives and what would benefit us may not benefit our friends.

And, as we get older, we are more likely to lose touch with our friends, as our interests separate us more and more, as we all have different interests.

See, when we are at school or college or even sometimes in the workplace, it’s easy to maintain friendships because you all have a common environment in which you spend a lot of your time. Especially at school, where we make friends and secure our status and social standing. Then, these friends either support our social standing and experience, or they don’t and they find another friendship group within that school.

Ever found that when a girlfriend starts seeing a guy, you’ve shoved into the background while she and he are courting each other? And that’s the way it should be.

I don’t believe friendship can be as strong as an intimate relationship can be, and I believe that from an evolutionary perspective, friendship serves to propel us towards attracting better mates, or attracting lower quality mates (our friends say a lot about who we are and we are the sum of the 5 people we spend the most time with). Who we spend time with is who we become.

What other purpose does friendship serve? Well, it keeps people feeling safe. We don’t want to be alone, we are afraid of going our own way, or we are afraid of outside attacks from other groups, so we stick with our friends for safety.

These are important purposes, but these purposes are proving to be unimportant to me, as I get older. (And also as I’ve gotten better at not caring about haters).

The more important purposes of friendship are simply to grow together, to connect and to support each other, to know each other’s soul and to make each other feel understood, to build each other up, and to give to each other.

These friendships aren’t always easy to attract, though. Nor are they easy to maintain; they take time and energy. in my experience, these friends aren’t the rule, they are more the exception.

I know how unconventional my views are, but I tend to see friendship and think about friendship objectively.

What is the purpose of friendship? Why do we have friends?

We’ve already established that friendship can propel us towards better quality mates. Haven’t you heard of groupies? Or groups of women who get dressed up and get the news on tap where football players are, and they’re showing up at that club to try to get their footballer?

Friendships often come together to chase a mutual purpose. Only rarely (and it takes a rare soul like you, Marta) do people really look to go in to friendship to share, to connect and to add value. It takes someone who is quite evolved, and quite selfless and emotionally mature to think about friendship from the perspective of: “How can I add value to this person?” instead of: “Hmmm…how can this person benefit my own ends?” or “how can I make this friendship stronger?”

To think of friendship from the perspective of what value you can add isn’t easy. You need to be sensitive to others, and I think that takes practice.

This isn’t to say it’s not ok to take from friends from time to time – as long as you are sensitive to your friends and care for them as human beings.

And then you get situations like what happened to Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds had a good childhood friend who tried to sell pictures of Ryan’s daughter after she was born.

Friendship is not like an intimate relationship, where often, you invest yourself more, and are more intimate with your relationship partner than you will ever be with a friend.

We generally risk more and are forced to give more in an intimate relationship. And if you have children, that potentially adds another depth to the relationship (provided the man is a committed father).

Women being envious of other women

You’ve mentioned that your friends have admitted being jealous (more so envy in my definition) of you for whatever reason. This is important to address, so let’s do it now.

When two females don’t have a strong connection with each other, and when two females don’t have deep mutual trust for each other, there is going to be envy and competition.

Women are territorial creatures and we all generally want to get the best for ourselves. We want resources, attention, popularity, good looks, a great quality of life, a kind heart, marriage, babies and desirability.

Unfortunately, friends are not blood. And although friends can BE like blood or family, blood is thicker than water. Each woman will do what she can to pass on her own genes and gather resources for herself.

We all have different strategies for passing on our genes, but we all do it – whether we want children or not. I’ve had friends who didn’t want children at all, and are envious and competitive.

(It’s always interesting to me, because the very mechanisms that drive us to be competitive and envious are the same mechanisms that help us find a mate and pass on our genes. We compete for attention and significance so that we can attract a better mate.)

Like you, I’ve experienced great disappointment and hurt with regards to making friends, and then finding that for whatever reason, they don’t want to connect with me as much as I want to connect with them.

Sometimes, they already had enough friends in their lives, and no real time for me (which is okay). Other times, in a moment of honesty, I found out they were envious.

I even invited someone I used to call a friend to my wedding dress fitting, and she ended up sitting at the opposite end of the room while I tried on the dress, ignoring my questions about what she thought of my dress, and looking utterly miserable.

She didn’t get involved in the process at all. She sat there and ignored the process of the dress fitting and stonewalled – it hurt. I never trusted her again. Although she did tell me later on that she felt jealous, her telling me that, didn’t serve our friendship in any way.

At the end of the day, she let her fears get in the way of our friendship and that’s enough for me to never trust her again. On top of that, when I fell pregnant, she was nowhere to be seen.

There’s nothing wrong with that – I respect the experience I had. I look back on it and know that that’s just what happens with friends sometimes. When we have less in common, our paths diverge.

And sometimes I think the universe wants that. I don’t think the universe necessarily wants us to waste time and energy on friends ‘for the sake of it’, when the friendship doesn’t support each person inside it on their current path.

Read my blog post about how you can become high value in a society that keeps you insecure here.

Selfish, lazy women friends?

I want to address what you said here: “Most of my friends tended to be kinda selfish, lazy, admitted being jealous of me for whatever reason even though I always praised them on the good I saw in them to make them love themselves”

Feeding a horse to a fish doesn’t add value to the fish.

It is incredible that you try to add value to your friends, and that you want to bring them up – you are an amazing soul for doing this; as many women tend to avoid complimenting other women; because they aren’t generous. Complimenting another woman perhaps feels like it will take away from their own feeling of self esteem – as if credit has gone to a so called competitor.

However, many of us neglect to remember this: complimenting another, bringing each other up, adds to our value. Every time we withhold a compliment, every time we withhold attention and love for a woman friend is a time where we lose something forever.

So, take that risk of bringing another woman up – unless it doesn’t serve at that particular moment. Some moments just don’t call for a compliment, so there’s no need.

If you have put a lot of energy into bringing your friends up like you say, then I honour your effort.

Sometimes people don’t want high self esteem…

However, sometimes, when we try to bring another woman up, it doesn’t serve to meet her needs at her level.

Meaning, maybe a higher self esteem isn’t what she wants. Because with a high self esteem comes responsibility, and not every woman is like you (willing to take responsibility).

And even then, the fact that some women are already jealous of you means that by accepting your gifts of positive energy, they may have to admit that you shine brighter than them. An admission such as this is not for the faint hearted. They also have to be willing to see, admit, and absorb the beauty in your heart – and that can be painful if they feel small; so it’s often easier to hide from that pain.

And yes, count on most people to make lazy and selfish friends – not because they are bad people; but because a lot of people aren’t good at meeting their own needs and filling themselves up.

Most people think that being on their phone or watching TV is meeting their needs. It is, but it’s slowly taking value from themselves each time they do it. This is because TV is a distraction. It is consuming, rather than creating. If you create something rather than consume something, you are adding value to yourself (unless you consume for the sake of adding value to yourself, which most TV isn’t. Most TV is for average people who want a quick way to feel better about themselves).

How can your friends give to you, when they’re always in survival mode?

How can they give to you when they desperately need quick ways to meet their own need for significance (rather than investing in giving themselves a healthy self esteem?) these are people who don’t have the awareness or the emotional resources to give to themselves; so it’s hard for them to give to you.

I think it’s a great thing that you’ve come to the realisation that you don’t want to expend your resources on them anymore, and that they are selfish and lazy (to you anyway), and it’s great that you’ve acknowledged that giving to them has left you frustrated; because now you have chosen to be alone, and that is a gift: You can now move on to the next thing in your life.

And yes, do not tolerate mediocrity (negativity) in your friends. Be loyal to them, support them, but if over a long time they truly choose mediocrity, then don’t bother anymore. We are not here forever, time is of the essence, and you should not waste your time on friends like that.

Friends will hold you back, unless they are superb friends who truly care about you.

By choosing to have no friends, you put yourself in a vulnerable position that opens doors for potentially greater things – one of those things is the grit to go through the process of having no friends. That take courage, and I commend you on that.

Once you’ve given yourself the courage to go through that emptiness and learned how to fill yourself up in a better way, it makes you less dependent on outside safety and approval. That gives you enormous power, as you may soon find out.

Take this quiz to know How High Value Are You in Facebook

With friends, you are bound by under the radar rules. Without friends, you get to carve your own path. Perhaps a whole new path that will lead to true friends.

The price to pay for friendship

Groupthink” is a real phenomenon, and it affects us more than we think. Once we get into a social group, we become (to varying degrees) bound by the values and thoughts of the group.

So we need to be careful what friendship groups we allow ourselves to be a part of. If we have been single for a long time and hanging around single friends, for example, and we want to find a man and get married, it may pay to start questioning how our friends may have influenced us to not be in a relationship. What beliefs did our friends unconsciously bestow on us?

The energy of your friends makes a difference too. Notice if your friends are happy for you to have everything you ever wanted. Notice if they care about your success or not.

Friends who want to stay small are not worth your time. Some people are just not ready to connect. And you know what? Some people are happy being small, and being with them will only make you smaller, and keep you in a low place.

If you feel small with them, rather than inspired, then that’s a warning sign. If they want you because you make ‘easy’ company (like they don’t truly care about you and your future, and care instead about meaningless outside drama to for example), it’s a good sign that they are not a good influence.

Are friends worth your time?

We all have limited time and energy. That is emotional energy and physical energy.

Ask yourself whether friends are worth your time. Maybe one or two extraordinary friends are worth your time, I’m not sure, that is for you to decide. Though I really do mean extraordinary.

However, don’t spread your energy too thinly, and put your eggs in too many baskets in the name of feeling safe and secure (needing to have lots of people around you), because the more people you spend your energy on, the less of you that the important people have.

Yes, you take a bigger risk by investing more in less people. However, you lose much more that you can’t immediately see by investing in bad friends.

If you have this idea that you must have friends, then you’ll be on edge, trying to make friends and this won’t lead to anything great – you’ll be short-changing your family, or the people who truly matter to you, of your time.

I’m suggesting that there is value in investing your resources in only the people who really matter; only in the people you truly trust.

Let go of the need to make friends, and then…

Consider if it’s valuable to you to let go of the need to make friends.

Let go of any ‘idea’ you have that says you have to have friends.

And instead of trying hard to make friends, maybe even invest yourself in a change in the world that you want to see. Invest yourself in family. Invest yourself in a man – or if you are not in a relationship, spend the time figuring out who you need to become, so that the man you want will want to take you off the dating market.

Why would I suggest this?

Well, when we try hard to make friends because we have this idea that we ‘should’ have friends, we tend to get desperate or overly focused on friends – all the while, missing the gift in not having any.

It’s nobody’s business whether you have friends or not.

You don’t need friends in order to feel like you are enough in this world.

I certainly don’t think less of you for being alone.

I believe that you will be more attractive to the high value women friends out there, when you don’t have this ‘need’ to make friends.

That way, attracting the extraordinary friends into your life will be natural. You won’t always have to be trying.

The trouble with wanting friends for the sake of wanting friends is that it takes away from your value.

I do believe there’s other things at play that attract certain friends into our life too. Maybe there’s things like synchronicity, or something mythical and sometimes, some friendships are ‘just meant to be’.

Before you go and make friends, ask yourself these questions

So, whilst it’s important to make friends, ask yourself these questions:

1: Does going through a period of having no friends at all serve you at a higher level? Does it make you sufficiently uncomfortable; and will this discomfort make you more?

2: In the past, did I truly feel my friends for who they are, and for where they are (thereby offering them my true loyalty)? True loyalty is respecting and accepting them as they are, and offering yourself and your resources regardless. This is hard if you are at a better place than your friends are, or if you are much more aware than they are. Do you see the cost in friendship here? If you truly want friendship, then you have to be 100% loyal to them, now, as they are; and not expecting them to conform to your rules of how you think they should be. That’s a big cost on your part…which is why friendship isn’t always the wonderful thing that everyone makes it out to be.

3: Am I ready to choose friends mainly because I want to connect? Often, we choose friends based on who will make us feel more significant in this world, and not based on the connection that we can create and have with them. Young children often choose friends based on connection and play – this is such a great and innocent place from which adults can choose their friends too.

If we don’t make friends because we truly want to connect, then it’s going to be fertile ground for a stressful, unfulfilling friendship.

Sometimes, of course, it’s okay to make friends to fulfil a mutual goal, or future vision. I think that is great too. We just don’t want to latch on to friends to take value, and we need to be wary of friends who want to latch on to us to take our value.

Can men and women truly be friends?

Of course men and women can be friends.

Only, they can’t be friends if they are both people who are takers. When we are primarily takers, rather than being value adders, we tend to want to pounce on value when we see it.

If you’re a particularly radiant and attractive woman, then of course men are going to be interested in you – but not the men who have integrity and are committed to their family. And there’s plenty of them around.

Also, if you are a value taker, then you’re going to want your men friends to be interested in you. And if you quietly want your men friends to be interested in you, they are more likely to be; it’s the natural dynamic.

So, try to add value to yourself. Be a value adder, as best as you know how to be. There’s no other way to live.

I wish you the best of luck in attracting women friends in the future. Never lose hope.

What do you think? Do you believe men and women can be friends? Or do you believe one of them will always be attracted to the other?

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  • Mila

    Hi Renee, Love this article. I keep re-reading it because it is helping me to get over the fear of being alone (i.e. without friends).

    I have one question though which keeps popping in my head every time I read the article or the comments, especially those related to family (sisters, cousins). I experience a lack of connection with my mother; we leave far away from each other and we speak on the phone. I call with the intention to connect (I do that by asking questions about her and her life, friends, etc, i.e. the things that she finds important), however, I do not see her being interested in the things I find important in my life. She keeps asking about my work and about my daughter, which is ok, I like it that she is interested in my baby daughter, however, she never asks questions about my husband, for example and our family life. Or how I feel in two new roles I have just taken on recently (being a mother and a wife)? This is what is happening in my life now and it is big, yet she simply ignores it as if it does not exist. She does not like my husband, I am not sure why.

    I find it very painful, I feel rejected and sometimes angry at her. So, what would you say: would you also stop investing into the relationship with your mother too, if you feel you can’t connect at the level you would like to?

    • Hm. I understand your anger – your mother is blocking out something big that she should acknowledge, something that’s important to you and of course that’s going to make you angry – have you ever asked her why she doesn’t like your husband? Or is it just a case of jealousy or that she feels like he has taken you away from her?

      • Mila

        My mother believes that he is not ‘men enough’ and definitely not the great man I deserve. She has some very fixed views on what a great man should be and not. I had similar views and because of that I almost lost him. Now things are wonderful though and I wish I could share my delight and happiness. It almost feels like she does not want to acknowledge that I am actually very happy with him, as if she does not want to admit she might be wrong and that he is indeed a great man for me and father of our daughter. It feels like it is more important for her to honour her need to be right than to honour my happiness.

        Have you thought of writing on the topic of mother/daughter relationship in the context of femininity? I am sure you have some views on that, I would love to hear them.

        • Yeah, it must hurt to know that she honours her need to be right more than she honours your happiness. It creates a big disconnect!!

          I have thought about it…what do you mean in the context of femininity though?

          • Mila

            In ‘Its a guy’s thing’ Dadiv Deida writes about a link between a woman’s femininity and her relatioship with her mother. He says that a woman can never fully embrace her femininity if she has not embraced her mother. I wonder what do you think about this? Can this be true? And how can you embrace your mother without letting her influence you too much? To me, embracing means continuing to want to connect with her.

  • Porsha L. Jones

    This helped me in so many ways, I always feel confident and reassured a d especially empowered after reading your passages. I truly wish the best of success and enduring joy for you and your family. Also, I consider your post to be like the friend I love to talk to! Thanks Renee!

    • Aw, it made my day to hear that Porsha. I can only hope that my writing would be a friend for someone. 🙂

  • Jessica W

    Rapper Lloyd Banks said it best, “I came in this world by myself, so I don’t need no friends.” Tony Yayo said this, “Fake friends show fake love.” Friends are merely seasons that come through and leave your life. I don’t have friends because I’ve experienced too much drama and backstabbing to last me a lifetime. I’m at peace with no friends.

    • It is interesting Lloyd Banks said that because technically he did come in to the world by himself, but it was the bond and love which made him survive longer than an hour in this world…it is the connection and bond that makes us thrive and become engaged, loving and confident human beings.

  • Anna

    Wow Rene, this article has come at the best time for me because I feel very similar to this woman. I am 25 years old and I wished I had more close, supportive friends.

    I had a friend who would behave exactly the same as the friend you brought for the fitting. I realized that I felt empty after being around her so I stopped talking to her. I felt a bit bad about it but I realized what’s the point of hanging out with her if I feel so bad around her afterwards? Plus I could tell that she didn’t really like me so what’s the point if either people like each other? Even comments that she has made before had made me realize that perhaps she felt small. She once said, “Wow, you talk to a lot of people” when she saw me taking to lots of people at an event but the tone wasn’t quite right… you know? Also, even when she would ask about me, I felt more like she wanted information about me, not that she cared.

    I used to have another friend but ever since my boyfriend and I became official she hasn’t talked to me much. I couldn’t even get a hold of her for a month. Later on she claimed that she was going back and forth from New York because her dad had a heart attack and I wasn’t getting her messages because her phone was acting up (what she says). But even since then she has barely talked to me and I haven’t spoken to her in four months. My boyfriend thinks that she’s jealous that I have a boyfriend but I don’t know. I even called and messaged her about a friend’s mom’s death and I didn’t hear from her.

    I have plenty of acquaintances but only one close friend, who lives in another city. Even though I have no problem talking to anyone, I know that I cannot just be friends with just anyone. Which I think is something we understand as we get older.
    I am not very close with my family. I have big issues with my sister. She has always been horrible to me. She is incredibly masculine and aggressive, and even though I have tried to make amends with her, she holds grudges. I even googled online (LOL silly right?) about this and I found that she might be jealous. Which might be true because she told her boyfriend at the time (he told me) that our parents used to make us compete with each other, which I found ridiculous because I NEVER felt that I was in a competition with her, but apparently she feels that.

    Most of my cousins choose to be small (what you mentioned in the article) so I barely talk to them. They’re all guys and most of them don’t do anything with their life and are just depressed so I barely talk to them because I feel we don’t have anything to say. Sometimes I feel adopted. The person who I felt more close to was my wonderful grandma (who passed away half a year ago) because I feel like her: more feminine and active in the arts (dancing, music, etc.)

    I love to be active and learn new things, and have traveled extensively. I am a bit quiet sometimes, but it’s not something that holds me back in life.

    I don’t mind alone time, but I would love to have girls’ nights, you know? Plus, it feels a bit lonely. I spend most of my weekends with my boyfriend and his friends. I do like to be around people but I know I need to be around the RIGHT people, not just anybody.

    • Hi Anna, thanks for your great comment!

      It’s interesting that your sister felt in competition with you. Her reality is so different to yours; even having been raised in the same family. You know, if you ever did feel like you wanted to be close to your sister again, you know what to do, yes?

      Just meet her where she’s at and make her feel important. Validate her feelings, even though you didn’t feel in competition with her. She possibly feels insignificant a lot (as you already know), and the best way to help is to make her feel significant.

      With regards to the friend who said you talk to a lot of people, that’s difficult, as it’s you who knows your situation best. Perhaps she was threatened that you’d be easy to lose…perhaps it was her test to see if you’d make a loyal friend. Perhaps like you say, she was just acting small.

      And the other friend whom you couldn’t get a hold of for a month…phew, I have exprienced the same thing. Sometimes people want to hide, and find connection with others painful for whatever reason. It’s a hard position for you though, because you’re just trying to connect.

  • Carrie

    This is the best thing I could find tonight .i recently was invited over by someone I called a very good friend. She has gone thru a breakup and wanted to chat. My husband had just gotten home from a week long business trip. I wanted to be home with him but I felt torn to go be the kind of friend I’d want. So I went. And she treated me horribly . After listening and praising her for over an hour , I shared something painful in life and she just stood up and said I need to go home now . That this talk was only about her and now she’s bored. I’m sick of always giving . I’ve been kinda done “trying” to be friends since then. I thought as I got older , friendships would be easy but they have been opposite. I truly appreciate this great article . It helps to know others have felt this way. Much love.

  • echic41

    Hi Renee,

    I am so glad to be reading your posts again. This one really struck a cord with me. Ever since I got back to my home town after living in a different city for four years, I realized I don’t have that much friends anymore.

    The very few ones I have decided to keep were fine until they just became really flaky. I am the type of friend who always shows up but the recent flakiness my friends have displayed just turned me off to the point of me looking at myself feeling disappointed thinking, “Man! My friends suck! I need better friends.”

    I have never felt so friendless my entire life. I guess I am to blame too. I don’t do well with chatting and catching up on instant messages and social media. I just don’t. I’d rather see a friend in person than maintain a conversation over the phone or through chat. I’m terrible at maintaining friendships.

    Don’t get me wrong. I love connecting with friends. After every time I meet up with one, I always feel invigorated. Especially recently. Maybe because I am just craving for connection again. The only socializing I get are from my sibling, my parents, and my fiance. I don’t feel lonely but I do feel envious seeing people who have friends show up for them at important events like weddings, christenings, etc.

    Whenever I think of myself, I always wonder, “I don’t know anyone who would do that for me.” I just don’t feel closely connected to any of my friends anymore. It’s kind of sad but I do get what you mean about feeling liberated. I love knowing that there are plenty of more wonderful people waiting to be your friend.

    I just don’t know when this second chance will come. I wish I had invested more in my friends so I wouldn’t be feeling this way now.

    Thanks so much for the insights Renee. It’s very comforting hearing another woman who has experienced the same thing as I’m sure many of us do.

    Keep on sharing the light.

    • Super Janice

      1. Like Renee, you are feminine in your core. This is why you crave connection.
      2. From my perspective, you are not terrible at maintaining friendships. Your friends are. (They are selfish. They never care about your feelings.)
      3. When you don’t have this ‘need’ to make friends, attracting the extraordinary female friends into your life will be natural.
      So, instead of trying to make friends with others, you can follow one of these advices.
      Renee’s advice: Invest yourself in your family or your fiancee.
      Renee invest herself in her husband David and feel radiant as a woman.
      My advice: Discover your hobbies/passions.
      My only hobby is singing. I don’t really like to talk with others. So, I simply sing my favourite songs. By doing this, I attract many good female friends into my life!

      • echic41

        Thank you Janice!

        • Super Janice

          Sorry for the late reply!

  • ne

    wow
    it is like when I’m struggle with a question in my mind you come and answer that
    you are my angel Renee

  • Krystine N

    Quite the timely article! I was just discussing this with my man the other day. When I moved to a new state 4 years ago, I tried so hard to make friends. I went out with anyone who offered, did organized group events, and so on.. and I found people, but they were never any kind of worthwhile friends. People took advantage of me, used me to give them rides, borrowed money from me, or whatever. Or they just wanted to drink and party and not have any real connection. I felt terrible about myself because I didn’t have any real friends and nothing to do on weekend nights. Now these several years later, I’ve not only been enjoying my alone time, but actually turning down social gatherings because they drain me rather than providing value to my life. It seems socially taboo to be a “loner” like I’ll die alone as a crazy old cat woman, but on the contrary, why spend time with low-value people just to avoid being alone? I’m glad to see an article backing up my thoughts. Thank you!

    • You are welcome Krystine! And, I’ve gone through the same thing in the past.

  • Reena

    I am reading a book called I AM MY LIFE COACH! This book is about restructuring reprogramming & reconditioning the mind. It teaches me to change my thoughts. Awesome book!

  • Lucia

    Wonderful article, Renee! Could you please advise about how a woman can add social value on herself if at a point in her life she feels deprived of meaningful connections?

    • Hi Lucia! Simply care about connecting; that’s the core of it. Once you care, your social skills and social value will naturally increase.

      • Super Janice

        How to care about connecting?
        I always speak out information about myself (My only hobby is singing.), my opinion/others opinions (I do not support X/I think…/Ms. X think…), something about my characteristics, personality: (I have a square face, I am active etc.), my feelings (The boys are so cute!)…

  • nena

    thats a great post as always!!!definetely its 1m times more preferable to have no friends than low value friends!i have had so many bad experiences with low value girlfriends that i could write for ours!!!not only do they steal your chances of finding a good man,but also of finding or keeping high value friends!as for male friends i totally agree with Renee!if they are value-takers they will be pretty territorial,that is, even if they dont desire you sexually,they will try to keep all the other men away!
    But i think its ok to have friends for the sake of hanging out,do things together or just connect!you dont have to be 100% loyal or 100% connected to them!
    By the way Renee,why dont you give another chance to that friend of yours!jealousy is a human feeling and expressing it to you,it shows that she values your friendship!maybe i would feel the same way if i were in her place!

    • Hi nena! I did give her another chance. And of course she can feel jealous. It’s not the jealousy that was the problem; as you say, it’s a human emotion. It was what she did with the jealousy. And, you’re only seeing a tiny portion of the picture here in my article 🙂

  • Akanksha Anand

    Thank you so much for another thought provoking article Renee. In my own life, certain friends hold great importance, but it is based on true connection and caring. We add to each other and I cherish them. But I do agree that we need no more…life teaches that friends for the sake of friends is not worth it at all..drains you too much and you don’t need that! It’s great to resonate what I have learnt in life with the perspective of a lovely positive soul like you who adds so much with her work to all of us who wish to learn and someone whose advice in her articles and programs I have come to trust greatly…thanks again 🙂 <3

  • alipeach

    Renee, I read your well thought out article, and I must say, I was really surprised with your views on friendships..

    I believe the reason we are all here on this planet is for “relationship” it is the key to discovering our purpose..

    I am not speaking of fair weather friends or acquaintances… I am talking about friends that will bail you out of jail at 3am.
    Or that would drive 100 miles to meet you in the ER.. These friends do exist and I am of the opinion when you are able to connect with 3-5 people that you would take a bullet for, your life and theirs change dramatically
    .
    But the first thing we must all examine is who are we choosing as our friends? It sounds like to me the friendships you have described were extremely toxic.. The type of toxicity that will literally kill your spirit and make you ill.

    We were all given intuition to use as guidance when we make important decisions..

    For instance I know immediately after a 5 minute interaction if I am going to connect with a person.. I am talking on a deeper level.. Once you listen to that inner voice, and you decide to go forward, you must realize that beginning and maintsining a strong friendship takes a lot of time and effort…

    I am sure you are aware of the aboved mentioned… It is my opinion that we not enter into a friendship based on “what is this going to do for me?” but rather “what is the reason this person has come into my life”? And perhaps we are expecting that when we meet a person that we may be able to connect with we immediately start thinking long term relationship and we kinda of go ugggh! But we must learn to let go of the negativity the drama that surrounds some people..

    Life is just too short and I believe we should be picky about who we invite in to our inner circle.
    and we need to let go of our expectations so we will stop being disappointed.

    It is then, that we will be able to give and receive. unconditional love.. The kind of love that really does transform someone’s life..
    And perhaps we should view the people we meet in terms of what are they going to teach me or vice versa. Then we would understand that whether a person is in our life for 1 hour or 35 years the quantity of that friendship will sort itself out.. Yet, the quality is what the relationship is all about. ..

    I hope you give close friendships another try because you are a beautiful woman with a loving and kind spirit.. You will be denying those in your life the gift you have to offer..
    Sincerely,

    Ali

    • J.a. Ct

      People do come into our lives for a reason. The problem is people tend to hold on or stay when the life lesson (s) are done. Then the toxicity begins. The other thing is we change over our life time. We need to give ourselves permission to move on from people who do not reflect who’ve become.

      • alipeach

        I complety agree with you.. For example I am in a situation dealing with my 5 closest friends.. One of them I have been friends with for over 25 yeats.. However, she has changed so much that 3 of us feel like we can no longer maintain this once trusted friendahip.. They have become toxic to the grouo.. They have changed so drastically that they are now a completely. different person… Yet they see nothing about themselve that needs to change and so. I have made an extremely tough decision, to ease my way out.. This is such a toxic relationship that I must let go.for my own mental well being.

        However, I will always love and. Care about this person..

        • Hey Alipeach,

          You are lovely, and thanks for your comment. I’m happy with the friends that I have now.

          Also, I didn’t say anything about not ever having friendships altogether! I love friends…I thrive on being around humans.

          It’s just that a lot of this article was more of an objective view of friendships – something a bit different…not at all to say I’ve given up on friendship. That would be terrible.

          • alipeach

            I misunderstood you I apologize.. But you are right we do not need to waste our time with people who are not of mutual benefit. Thank you for clarifying a a for the compliment… Xo

          • Super Janice

            Who are they? I want to meet them too!

          • Super Janice

            It’s good for you to be both extroverted and feminine. But remember that not all women are like you. Some of them are introverted, like Audrey Hepburn.

  • Denise M. Baran-Unland

    Superb article!

  • J.a. Ct

    I am naturally highly empathetic. I need alone time to maintain balance or I become ill. I find low value people drain me due to the amount of energy they take trying to make themselves whole. I’ve also found gossiping boorish — gossiping is the mirroring effect of what the people do not like about themselves. I understand it is difficult to be alone because it is our natural instinct to tribe to survive. However, I’ve found it greatly enriching and rewarding.

    • Super Janice

      It is your natural instinct to tribe to survive but not mine.

      • J.a. Ct

        It is in our genetic coding as we are not removed from our ancestral linage. Men’s cues to choose a mate and mating are based on this. Gathering together ensured survival but it can have the antithetical outcome. It is all about balance on the scale of duality.

        • Super Janice

          You are very scientific. You should be a scientist.

    • Super Janice

      Anyway, are you an introvert? I’m not.

    • Pooja Pophale

      Even I like to be alone to rejuvenate.

  • Super Janice

    Anyway, since my only hobby is singing and I only sing my favourite songs (which are mostly Chinese New Year songs), I would rather have no friends!

  • Nerissa

    I am the low value friend. I am jealous of almost everyone and have the lowest self esteem you could possible imagine. It is best to take Renee’s advice and just cut people like me completely off. We will not stop being envious and low value until we choose to change by ourselves. There is absolutely nothing you can do. It may be hard right now to give up people who you have been friends with for a substantial amount of time, but it is worth it.

    • Super Janice

      Thank you for realizing that you are low value! How can you change by yourself?

      • Nerissa

        I am sure that there are books out there on self confidence, lifestyle changes, and programs by Renee that help in that area. Honestly, if I knew how, I would be able to tell you. I do not necessarily want to change so looking for ways to improve myself is not something I am very knowledgeable about. Sorry I couldn’t really answer your question.

        • J.a. Ct

          There is great truth in this response. People have to want to change. I do not fight or argue for this reason. Such action tells me the person is not able to be present and it will not change where they choose to stand.

        • Super Janice

          Why don’t you want to change yourself?

          • Nerissa

            Changing is too much work and unnecessary. I also kind of like myself this way. Being constantly envious of everyone and being jealous of other people’s success is natural to me. It hasn’t affected my work, my schooling, or my friendships (yet). Why change now?

            • Castle

              Nerissa, I must tell you that your attitude is very sad. It sounds like the devil has really got a hold of you. Due to your refusal to change, you will not have healthy relationships. You are right; it will take a lot of work, but life is about growing. Would you teach your own children to live as you are?

              • Super Janice

                I’m afraid we have to help her!

                • Castle

                  I agree! Can we suggest some videos or reading up on healthy relationships? Like I said before, Teal Swan has some really good ones. Also self love is very important.

            • Super Janice

              It will affect you friendships one day.

        • Castle

          I appreciate your honesty, Nerissa. In my humble opinion, you must choose to love yourself and get your personal needs met as soon as possible. I, too, have high value friends that have been in a very different place than I have been, and rather than be jealous, I made myself teachable so that I could learn from them because I wanted to change my life. We cannot do this without role models! This isn’t just about attracting a high-value MAN, this is about creating an entire LIFE of value, which starts with your feelings about YOURSELF. You were created to be loved. You must believe this first and foremost. Your feelings matter. If your high value friends are causing you to feel insecure, search for friendships that create a different vibe. Not everyone clicks, for heavens sake. God made us all different for a reason and it’s beautiful. Maybe you are not in the right group of people to compliment the direction your heart desires. Check out Teal Swan’s videos on Amazon. She’s changed my path completely. And I think women and men can be excellent friends as long as boundaries are respected, which is not at all easy. There are no absolutes. Best of luck, and God bless XOXO

    • Nerissa, I thought you were being sarcastic…?

      • Nerissa

        I am not being sarcastic at all. I am simply being truthful. I have no idea why. It may be simply for attention so people say, “Aww, you poor baby” and I sit down, soak it in, and again find no reason to change.

  • Joelle

    Thank you thank you thank you Renee. I agree with this wholeheartedly and hope this perspective spreads. This is exactly what i look for in a friend: someone who is able to fill themselves up, and therefore wants to fill you up too. If you cant find this kind of friend its better to be alone. In my opinion friends are like dessert: nice to have at certain points in life but not 100% necessary to your wellbeing, and if you think they are then you havent discovered your inner resources. Thank you for being a radiant beacon of femininity and sharing real perspectives on life!!

    • Super Janice

      I always have my inner resources so I can get by without contacting my girlfriends/ female friends and still be OK. Don’t you?

  • Pamela Hsieh

    Thank you for your interesting perspective on friendship. I love a lot of what you have to share on your blog about becoming higher value and more feminine, etc. And I’d like to briefly share my opinion since you asked . . .

    I don’t agree at all that friendships with other women should be discounted so drastically. Yes, groupthink has its risks but (take it from a recovering group-phobic) magical, uplifting, and amazing things can happen in groups, too — far more than one lone person, no matter how powerful. Nothing great is ever accomplished without a group element/team effort. Look at the Women’s March that just happened worldwide in protest of the new US President. Apparently, it was an idea between three very simple, very regular people.

    Now for *my* non-traditional stance. Once a woman begins to embrace the gifts of her inner goddess and self-worth, she no longer feels the need to compete or prove her value to others. Women need sisterhood to help fill them up. I totally agree — most “friendships” are superficial and are based in survival, especially ones we stepped into unconsciously. There are tools like boundaries, being in touch with self-care needs, clear and vulnerable communication, good agreements based in personal responsibility, and keeping people at appropriate distances so you can be fully generous with them. This might sound like theory but in my life and tribe of women I have experienced soul-to-soul connection and co-created connections and sister-friendships that far exceed the depth and fulfillment I feel from my only (unconscious) blood sister. Having this sisterhood actually allows for me not to treat my man as though he were a girl friend. It’s a win/win! 🙂

    • Super Janice

      1. Unlike you, Chinese New Year songs fill me up so I don’t need sisterhood!
      2. Although I know it’s OK to need a man, I don’t need one!

    • Thanks for your perspective, Pamela. Very thoughtful!

    • alipeach

      Alipeach

  • mery

    Amazing article Renee, love it, i realized im a value taker and i feel guilty about it because it is selfish of me, but i want to change and give value

    • Super Janice

      Then read more Renee’s articles to learn how you can be a high value girl.

      • mery

        i always read Renee’s articles, they do wonders, even when im down and sad, when i read her articles, i feel so much better, im very thankful that i have found Renee and her amazing site!

    • it’s okay Mery. I’ve been a value taker myself. And It’s okay. How were you supposed to know any different?

      Plus, if you didn’t begin from a place of taking value, the how would you have anything to be proud of when you do change and start to add value?

      • mery

        That is true Renee, thank you! I will try my best to be better and give instead of take in the future