The goal of this article isn’t to make a man light up like Christmas lights, and be all chirpy and cheerful. The goal really is to bring light  in to his life; to be the yin to his yang, and to enchant.

The very purpose of this post is to help you find a way to ease a man’s tension and give your feminine gifts. But this post is written for women in a relationship. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

As a woman, I have found that the task of cheering my man up and comforting him has proven to be very difficult at times. Mostly because I am a woman, not a man; and it has taken a shift in psychology to understand that my perceptions are not my man’s perceptions, and moreover, that when I think he seems emcumbered or stressed and upset; he may not actually be looking for relief from this state he is in. He may not want to change the state he is in, unlike how a woman might by talking about it, being listened to, etc.

Like most women, if my girlfriends are upset, I naturally ask something along the lines of:

“Are you OK honey?”

“What’s going on?”

“What’s happening?”

“Can I help?”

“Are you upset?”

“Do you want to talk?”

“I’m here for you.”

And if you probe enough and show enough care, and she trusts you, mostly, women will open up to you and talk (got to love women) 🙂 what wonderful creatures we are!

But, when dealing with men, asking these questions is not always the best approach. Your task really is to give your feminine energy.

Counter-intuitive though it is – if your man is masculine and he is having financial troubles for example, it is rarely the right solution to offer your financial help, or to offer to go out and get a job or to offer your knowledge in financial investment (raising my hand to show that I’ve made this mistake before). Stupid. Stupid. 🙂

And it’s very, very hard not to want to offer this solution because it’s how we have been conditioned as women in most cultures today! And even if I tell you, instead, give your feminine energy – you may ask “how?! I’ve never been taught!!”


That’s why this blog exists. But, giving your feminine energy is a hard thing to do well. It can be a complex thing that takes a lot of understanding, and it’s beyond the scope of this article, but I will still make simple suggestions. (read my article about how to be feminine)

The conventional solution…

Feminine women care about everything. So, you’re probably like me in that you’ll be sad and wanting to do everything that you can to help if your man seems down. Well, this everything that I’m talking about is simply giving your feminine energy.

You could guess what my initial reactions were when I first encountered my man’s stressed-out looks, during the earlier period of our relationship. I would often take his mood as a sign of lack of affection or love for ME. I would think that it was about me. I’d think that he was angry at me, hated me, was judging me, or found me a nuisance. I would think ‘OMG, he thinks I’m ugly right now’. Or ‘he doesn’t care about me anymore’. ‘He’s so cold’. Or ‘he’s so arrogant!!’

As I have come to realize; it was never any of these things. He has never judged me. Never. I know that in my heart of hearts. But as a woman, you will know what I mean when I say that we tend to close up and get uptight and scared when our man seems to go away or get caught up for days on some problem that he needs to fix. And when he won’t open up to us; we fret. The majority of men are never judging us women as much as we think they are (if at all).

On giving or offering your  ‘solutions’…..

Perhaps your man has a demanding career that requires he work outside of traditional working hours. Perhaps he just often seems to be dealing with this or that dilemma. Perhaps he is lacking sleep or rest. (read my article about why he pulls away)

And in relationships, this is probably one of the hardest things a woman will have to deal with. Of course, most of us have been taught to just approach the problem with a solution. To give advice.


No giving advice unless you have been asked to. And no, this isn’t because I think you should be a docile, useless, frail woman. It’s because your job (as well as your man’s) in relationship is to give and to understand. And no masculine man wants his woman to approach him with a bunch of instructions.

Hell. No.

As soon as you approach him and start to offer “answers”, this will make him feel like he is not understood by you.

Rest assured, there will be a time for this. And, when it arises – when he asks for your input, tread carefully, and always come from a loving place.

So here’s How to Comfort a Man:

Every man is different. I recommend that you take the time to truly understand him and his needs first. And if one thing doesn’t work; take another approach. Do this until you find the exact thing to do to fill up your man’s heart.

There are two typical scenarios that you will need to be aware of when your man is (or seems) stressed. You will have to use your own judgment here.

The first one is that your presence is NOT really needed.

The second one is that your presence IS needed.

So, firstly, work out whether your presence is required. Ask yourself honestly: ‘Am I approaching him because I want something from him? (ie: some sort of subtle indication/reassurance that he still loves me and notices that I’m here) or am I approaching him to give something from my heart?

Not that there is anything wrong with wanting attention from your man. It all depends on the situation.

Suppose you’ve worked out honestly that your presence IS needed and would benefit the situation. Here are your options (I’m sure you can think of more):

How to Comfort Your Man When your presence is required- Suggestions:

(These are suggestions. If you don’t like what I suggest, please think of your own ideas, too.)

1) Look deeply in to his eyes and hold his gaze. Draw him further in to your world. Give him something to smile about (there’s a LOT to smile about in the world of the feminine). Smile. Indicate through your look/gaze/body language that you love him. This is all about enchantment and luring him in to your magical gifts.

When you do this, the aim is to draw him in and make it all about you BOTH. Re-connecting to each other’s souls and your very beings. Nothing else in the world exists other than the both of you as a couple.

2) Do a sensual dance. Dances such as:

A lap dance.

A pole dance.

A crazy dance.

Any feminine dancing.

Do whatever it takes. Hell, just put some music on (music that you both like) and move your body. You can also dance naked for added effects – (Did someone say: VULNERABILITY?!)  🙂 The point of this is to put a great, big smile on his face and enchant him. But it won’t work unless you’re confident with it. (read my article about 27 hobbies for women)

Most importantly, have FUN. love your body. It’s a gift.

3) just sit quietly with him, and wait until he is ready to talk/share/converse/discuss. And continue waiting. And continue waiting. Even if it takes hours. Patience, sister! 🙂 Once he sees that you are willing to wait for him to talk; you’ll have much more success at disarming him.

You may very well be your man’s greatest source of love. Just remember to live it.

4) Offer him a full body massage. And relieve him of his tension. And be sincere about it.

5) Give him a blow job. There. I said it. If you don’t like giving them, it’s a good idea to think about it from your man’s perspective  and read why men love blow jobs.

(Yeah? You’re kidding, right Renee? No. I’m not. If your aim is to give to your man, this option should not surprise you in the least). And no, I really don’t recommend you do this all the time, every time. It’s a quick option and it is not a lasting solution that you can practice every time. But I trust you. I trust you to choose what is right in the moment for both of you. I do also urge you to practice good personal judgment.

I don’t believe in casual sex. But, I do believe in giving to the one that you love.

6) You know your man better than I do, so, if he doesn’t mind talking to you about things normally, you could ask him questions such as: ‘What are you thinking about?’ Keep in mind that if you ask him how he is feeling; you might very well get something like:

‘nothin’; or

‘I dunno’.

A final note on scenarios in which your presence is required…

Dealing with a man’s stresses can sometimes feel like you’re a rat on a conveyor belt. But that’s only because you’re dealing with the situation with conventional strategies (such as: going straight to insecurity, PROBING him, trying to force something out of him, getting angry – out of your own frustrations, giving ultimatums, accusing him of not loving you or trusting you anymore). Remember the goal is to just love and to enchant.

(Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

Men hate ultimatums. Yet, women are still doing it. Everywhere, every day. If you give ultimatums; plan for him to leave or live with an emasculated man for the rest of your life. AND be miserable.

You need to be peaceful. It’s your position to understand him. It needn’t be a chaotic experience. It’s all about feminine enchantment and loving him. It’s been ridiculously hard for me at times in my past, as any man (uncle, friend, father, my man) can be very reserved. And it can take a lot of patience.  But it becomes a lot harder for you if you approach the situation in the past in the above conventional “average” ways.

But, the result is worth it. You may very well be your man’s greatest source of love. Just remember to live it.

So now on to the second scenario; where your presence is not required:

When I say your presence is not required – I mean during the times when your man may seem to be enduring something or may be overwhelmed with something or engrossed in this or that task. When he is clearly engrossed in a mission.

Sometimes, he’ll just want to be left alone. Her may not want or need your thoughts. He may not want or even need you to ask questions or be concerned. He may not want to talk. He may not want to discuss. He may not want to divulge his ‘feelings’. But he will want your respect. He will want your love. These are things that you need to give as a woman (provided he’s earned your respect already).

So, how do you show your love and respect? I have some suggestions.

1) Show your love and respect by leaving him alone, or letting him go away to accomplish what he deems necessary. Even if it is for days or weeks.

2) If he is within your vicinity; bring him a snack at an appropriate time. Like a sandwich with his favourite filling, or a steak or kebabs or veggie sticks or a yummy soup. You don’t need to ask him what he would like. Just bring him something – like, obviously not when he is full already. Use your judgment.

It’s important not to do this just for the sake of it. You can do the right thing at the wrong time and it will have the opposite effect. He may just think it is an annoyance.

3) You can make him a drink. A cool lemon iced tea. Or a hot tea, depending on the weather. Whatever he likes. Help him to refuel and recharge. Men really appreciate this because you’re giving him your feminine love and support. You are taking care of him. What’s that big Facebook fan page about ‘women bringing men sandwiches” ??

This way, you’re still showing him that he is appreciated – that he is loved. You’re still able to deliver your feminine care without being pushy and obtrusive about things. But do it, unqualified. Just bring it, and leave him to his work or thoughts.

4) Show your support and appreciation for what he is doing. Give him a kiss and a brief touch on the shoulder/chest – whatever you like, and say “Thank You. I appreciate all that you do to take care of us/me.” Acknowledge his hard work – his desire to achieve a result. Women need to understand that for the masculine – it’s all about where you’re both going together. Where you’re going to end up. It’s about direction.

This is something women must make a point to appreciate in men. Every woman must appreciate men (or her man) at a different level. They are unlike us, and that is how it is meant to be.

Men and women are here to complement each other.

Ultimately, no matter what you do – it’s about what you do but even more importantly; WHY you do it. Don’t do anything just for the sake of doing something. Giving a man sex is one thing which women do thinking it will get them somewhere. It can, but it depends on the nature of your relationship and on the individual situation.

I’m so excited to let you know that we have already launched the Commitment Control 2.0. Click here to register and watch the Commitment Masterclass.

Now, over to you. What do you think of this article? Have you got any quick tips for comforting a man? Anything that would help other damsels?


  • Seth Rutledge

    what can man do for their women when they are closing up and stressed out?

  • Nic0lejean

    I really appreciate this article and the real insight it offers. I started looking up articles, wondering how i know if He’s losing interest, which led me to, why is he withdrawing from me, and when one article after another, said to bring my concerns to him, tell him I’m feeling neglected and concerned about our emotional bond, that he isn’t meeting my needs!…. I read it, thinking this doesn’t feel right, this isn’t the answer I’m looking for, had the conversation in my head, when i realized he would answer with, “I’m sorry Love, im just going through a lot, my dad is sick, my daughter is struggling with self image issues, etc” and the guilt hit me hard! How selfish and ignorant of me! I was about to plop more relationship problems on his lap and wine abouthis Luskof effort and affection simply because for a few short days, he was smiling less, a little less playful and cheery and wasnt being as attentive to me. Nevermind that he had dinner waiting for me when i got home from work that night, sent me a message telling me he missed me and to hurry home. I was worried that a few slight things were off, never taking into consideration a few days ago he got terrible news when we went to his parents house for dinner, and then after that dealt with some sensitive issues his 11 year old daughter is going through. I did exactly what you said, exactly what i thought i should do; offered him comfort and asked him if he was OK, asked how i could help and got a semi believable, “I’m fine babe, i don’t really want to talk about it, I’m just tired” & I left it alone, he didn’t bring it up again, then just a few short days layer, I’m ready to confront him questioning the quality of our relationship and his love for me!! Wow!! He’s hurting and he’s worried about the people he loves. I am so glad i read the wrong article that led me to realize that and in turn search for advice on ways to help cheer him up. I read a few more articles with dumb advice that would have me offering him solutions or bugging him to cheer up with gifts and games and prying but you’re article laid it straight out with the most solid advice. Just give him your love and be his woman while he deals. Whether it’s loving him by giving him space or loving him relaxing pleasure!! (To the women commenting above, actually scoffing and appalled by the suggestion & begging what about me and my needs) compare it to you enjoying a relaxing spa treatment or massage after a stressful week! If your man is hurting or stressed or worried, why on earth wouldn’t you want to relax him and bring him pleasure as his woman and lover? I took your advice, i dropped any selfish worries and needs and found the perfect balance of offering him space (so not smothering him or up his butt trying to make him feel better) & giving him extra tlc (throwing in a back rub and a head rub while relaxing on the couch after work and giving him an easy reeked before bed). I’m not solving his problems but I’m also not making them worse ( phew. That was close though), I’m just here putting a little bit of extra effort and pleasure into my man’s life while he goes through some shit! Thanks for your wisdom!

  • Lily

    This article really helped me see that I was trying to comfort my boyfriend how I would want to be comforted and I now understand that’s not the best thing! I’ll feel a lot better from now on about showing my support when he is down. And with his all around stressful life that gets him down in a very dark place it’s quite often. Thank you.

  • Lauren Elliott

    this is pretty ridiculous ahahah your guy is stressed and ‘feminine women’ thinks you should either lap dance or give him a blowie. objectification or what.

  • PrincessAngel

    I need your advice. Okay if you and your bf are on “break” because he’s dealing with something should you still follow this article to show him he still matters or something different?

  • Brit

    I love this… thank you Renee for sharing your wisdom. Ive probably read almost all of your articles now and they have truly changed my life. Please don’t ever stop writing you’ve truly inspired me to be a better mother, a better daughter, a better spouse, just a better person. Sometimes you don’t always know what it is your doing wrong until someone shows you. And the process can be extremely frustrating at times. Your advice has literally changed my thinking and helped me focus less on myself and more on others and the journey has been incredibly fulfilling and rewarding. I can honestly say I found me, who I really am and everything I desire to be which is truly feminine. Not so that I can get something but so that I can give in any way possible because even though people may get angry with you its because they are not there yet. they haven’t felt the true reward of just giving. We as humans are so selfish sometimes its always, “what about me, what about my needs?” the whole point is that when you give to someone who truly cares for you genuinely from your heart they truly can’t help but want to meet your needs and show you love in return. Its a beautiful cycle that builds beautiful relationships. I get a little bit upset sometimes when I see comments people make and its actually grieving but its just one of those things were sometimes we just “miss it” we don’t get it because we are not open yet. I know I’ve been there in the what about me zone I’m sure we all have. But it brings so much unhappiness and disappointment when we can take a whole different approach and heal, and mend, and build relationships with those we love and no one can ever take that away from us… But anyways I just had to tell you thank you, however many articles I’ve read later, lol. From my heart I hope you read this, thank you for inspiring me to be me 🙂

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