How Men Think: Don’t Expect a Man to Put more “Effort” in to your Relationship than You

How Men Think

Whenever I suggest something like this, I risk a whole hoard of women hating me. Enough women hate my message as it is….and yet, it’s when I suggest this that I really feel women digging their nails in to me as if I have betrayed them and I am working against woman.

Quite the contrary. When I say this, I say it from a place of understanding of masculine men. (Click here to take the quiz “How feminine am I actually”) I say it because I intend for more women in the world to have more happiness in their relationships with men.

I do my best to communicate my best intentions in every piece of writing that I do, but I’m not able to clearly communicate everything to every woman reading.

All I want is for women to experience the same freedom from their fears I have learned to experience in my interactions with men. And stop feeling like victims and actually keep a good relationship with a man, rather than break up with a man, later realising that the man did care about her.

How is it REALLY, for Men?

Here’s the thing about men who are born with more masculine hormones; and are therefore, in nature, masculine men.

Relationship is not their specialty. It simply isn’t.

Men care about having a relationship, and want a relationship, but they don’t come with the instinctive understanding about how to communicate and express love the way women might.

(Click here to get the “Goddess Report”)

Women are simply overall, better intuitively at understanding relationships and developing closeness with other humans than men are. Now, there are a lot of cold and callous women out there who don’t have the compassion to have any relationship at all. They couldn’t even hold a relationship with a frog. But that’s their own fear taking over their life, and they are certainly not living in their feminine energy, that’s for sure.

Men want relationships, but they may not know how to go about it. They don’t generally talk about relationships with other men, sometimes they don’t even think to do that. It’s great for the men who do talk about it, but most men just don’t. See these 5 insights on men that I wrote about…

Why Men Just Aren’t as Intuitive when it comes to Relationships…

A single man might think about a relationship and having one, say 1-10% (maximum) that a single woman would.

See, for many women, it’s generally well understood that if we have a good relationship; then we are successful. Other women look at and observe our relationship. We compare relationships, we compare mate quality, we compare how much another woman’s man does for us compared to what our man does for us…

For a MAN – (and this is from a male’s perspective), nobody cares if he has a great relationship apart from his woman. For a man, his success is judged by how much he has achieved (money, status, career, influence, social dominance, etc).

Now think about this:

WHO thinks about relationships more? Men or women? Women.

Who do you think is going to be more successful and in tune to relationship problems? The person who thinks about it more or the person who thinks about it less?

That’s for you to answer.

Here’s the really interesting thing: for women who don’t have a happy relationship in their life just yet, Many of them read books that involve romance. They watch movies that involve romance. They FILL UP their need for relational happiness with romance novels and dramatic movies. Or they talk about their relationship; or about the single life with their friends.

And yet….do you see many single men with romance novels?

Didn’t think so.

Relationship is OUR Specialty

For a feminine woman; we are driven to seek out relationships. It IS our specialty. We read subtle body language, subtle tones in spoken words (feminine energy actually hears primary mood and tone) and we can talk for hours.

But get this – unless he’s been trained or had experience – men won’t even notice subtle body language or subtle changes in a woman’s tone of voice, and even if he does become conscious of it – he can’t compute in his mind that you want him to actually come forward and work out what you mean, (in other words, give you more attention and reassurance that he is there for you).

For example. You’re out at a party one night, and a woman who has always been a bitch to you comes up to you and makes some snide remark that is passive aggressive like ‘oh you look soooo CUTE!’ in a condescending tone. After she leaves, you say to the man you’re with “oh my gosh, did you hear the way she said that?! She’s such a bitch!” and he looks blankly back at you, not understanding what you mean and not seeing what just happened.

As Long as Everyone is Fed…

See, all these little details in communication between people are not a man’s domain. He doesn’t care, as it doesn’t coincide with his life’s mission; which is to win, to get something done and to get to the point.

A lot of men think that as long as he works hard to provide, that this is enough, and the woman will be happy. Obviously, women know that’s not true.

To a man, this is effort. This is HIS form of effort. Not yours.

To a man, if a woman is upset or angry, and he sees that everyone is well fed and seems to have access to enough resources….his brain can’t understand her being upset! SHE must be crazy!

She must be…she’s crying in a situation that I wouldn’t cry in. That’s how men think.

What I am suggesting you try to understand is this:

I’m not saying Men don’t put EFFORT in, I’m saying, men may not put effort in to a relationship the way YOU want him to. That can take a man time to learn.

Women get by on Subtle Relations and Communication… Men Don’t

Now, by the way, sometimes, if you’re lucky, a man might have picked up on this subtle energy from the nasty woman saying ‘oh you look soooo CUTE!’…usually though, he wouldn’t have.   And you are left feeling lonely because he doesn’t understand the devastation you had to just go through with that awful woman.

It’s quite funny really. Communication between women (especially OUTSIDE of the work force, and outside of other masculine environments), mostly occurs in an ‘implication’ type of way…we imply what we mean, we make suggestions or go around in circles beating around the bush (talk about our feelings rather than list a problem directly) until someone else paraphrases what we’re saying…until someone indicates that they are willing and able to understand our words and thoughts.

This doesn’t happen with men. Men are direct. And what I’ve learned is, what a woman thinks is direct is STILL not direct in a man’s mind!

See my article on the one masculine skill all women need in dating…

Women Communicate Indirectly

And it’s a huge frustration for many, many men, dealing with women….wishing and wondering why women just can’t TELL him what it is that she wants…but if you were to ask a feminine woman, we don’t WANT to do that.

We can learn to do that…but we have massive resistance to doing that, because it’s not natural in our physical body; OR because we feel that the directness will get us hurt, or hurt a man’s feelings.

It took me years to realise this…I can now communicate my wants to my man more directly if it is needed (not always, I prefer to be indirect and see if he picks up on it…luckily, after so many years together with my husband and a ridiculously good understanding of women, my man picks up on around 50% of my ‘implied meanings’) ie: “it’s starting to smell in the kitchen… it’s actually starting to smell a bit like trash.’

And he will almost always say: ‘I’m taking the trash out now.’ And we look at each other and laugh, because I still couldn’t find it in me to say ‘take the trash out now David’. My instinctive way of interacting is indirect communication. It’s like I don’t even think and what comes out of my mouth is an indirect communication…

I’m just (very subconsciously) hoping the person I’m talking to cares enough to figure out what I mean.

Why shouldn’t you Expect a Man to put More “Effort” in to your relationship than You?

I believe that the very desire in us women to have men put more effort in to a relationship is a lie. That’s what we SAY we want, but what we really MEAN, is that we just want to know we have a man’s commitment. We want him to tell us we have his commitment, repeatedly, for the rest of our life.

Yet, men are often far too clueless about women’s need for reassurance and security to ever pick up on our NEED for that, that we get more and more frustrated, and the more frustrated we get, the more we try to ‘talk’ about things with a man….which leads us to think that our talking is ‘working’ on the relationship..but it’s not.

Talking to another FEMALE is ‘working’ on your relationship or friendship with HER…it’s not classified as working on a relationship with a man.

Sure, sometimes, talking to a man, in some contexts, will work to get a certain result.

But…it’s the way we communicate that makes most of OUR OWN efforts to make a relationship better with men a waste of energy.

If the other person cannot receive your communication in a way that they need to hear it..you’ve already failed at communicating. And it’s not fair to assume that men should just get us. That they should just get what we are saying.

(Again, men usually use words ONLY to hold conversations that have an actual POINT.)

We think he should talk to us more or show us more love…but what you have to understand is, all this talking and demanding that he put “more effort” in to the relationship doesn’t work in your favour, with men.

If more commitment and more love is really what you want, then you need to understand these three things:

1) Relationships are YOUR domain, not his. If he’s masculine. He NEEDS you, to be patient and to reward EVERYTHING great that he ever does, in order for him to start and do more of the right thing. He needs you to be there for him in that way.

Most men are totally happy alone. So they don’t often ‘get’ what is a good thing to do with a woman and what is a bad thing to do…

Have you ever noticed that very masculine men rarely feel the need to ‘call up’ their male friends to talk? Have you ever noticed that men get by without really contacting a lot of their circle of friends?

Masculine energy is at home alone…so they can go years without contacting family members or friends and still be ok.

My father was like this. My husband is no different, either. Masculine energy is at home being by itself. It’s ok living on an island for days, weeks, and months alone. It’s ok to meditate in a cave for days on end and forget about contacting you (really).

And here’s the shocking part: A LOT of men won’t even understand that you needed him to contact you when he was away or working.

2) ‘Work’ and ‘Effort’ is not what you need to put in. Understanding is, compassion is. And, almost always far more compassion than you think.

Most women’s idea of work is to talk and discuss and to dramatize things, hoping that her man will give her the response she wants (usually, more of his presence, more of his love, and reassurance that he loves her and won’t leave her).

Effort can mean anything. Work can mean anything. You could could put lots of ‘effort’ in to scratching your butt for an hour every day, but who would that benefit and what positive consequences would that have?

And don’t talk to me about how my advice is killing women because some men are just a**holes. This is taking what I am saying out of context. If he’s truly an a**hole and you don’t want to be with him, then you can choose not to be with him. I’m saying: having compassion for males is INDEPENDENT of your selection of a certain male, and whether you choose to be with a sleazebag or not.

The most basic spiriutal advice that anyone (and any book) can give is to have compassion, even for the people who have hurt you. It doesn’t mean I’m telling you to be patient with a total assbag. It just means; try developing some compassion even AFTER you’ve broken up with him.

It’s just a little try, that’s all I’m asking of you. After all, a little try is actually more than most women will do when it comes to men. Because it’s too scary to open to the possibility of compassion for *gasp* a MAN.

It’s funny how people make the mistake of thinking compassion is for the other person. It’s not; compassion is for YOU.

So:

Trade ‘talking and discussing’ as your idea of ‘putting a lot of effort in’ for simple reinforcement of men’s good actions with your happiness!

3) If you want a masculine man, then expect relationship problems. Expect fights and expect extreme frustration. The more masculine a man is, the more different you are, so the more clashes you will have. (But don’t NOT expect bliss and the happiest time of your life). 

If you want things to be easy, then don’t have a relationship.

If you want things to be easy, then a wussy man might be what you want. If not a wussy man, then maybe a more feminine man. And even then, you’ll find it hard if you are feminine inside….because every cell in your body is actually hoping and willing for this man to be more masculine, have more direction, and be more present with you.

Men need YOUR help…

But if a very masculine man is what you want…you have to understand and respect that he needs YOUR help to be in the relationship with you. This idea of how to ‘help’ is something I go in to  in my Understanding Men Program.

In this program (my personal favourite of all our programs), I show you many ways to be closer to a man…from how to open him up to how to still be a woman and have your connection needs met without a man pulling away from you.

The takeaway from this article is this:

Men need your help to be in a loving relationship with you. This ‘help’ comes in many forms. The BEST place to start is by positively reinforcing all the GREAT things he does in a relationship with you, yes, even if it is small.

Thanks for reading! If you have any opinions or comments…leave them below! And if you liked the article, leave a comment just saying hi! I love hearing from you!

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  • Marm

    Women are against what you’re saying because you’re confusing “healthy masculinity” with “toxic masculinity” and basically telling women to cater to men with fragile egos and selfish worldviews.

  • CH82 P

    I recently had a baby boy and only then did I really see how strongly boys respond to praise and appreciation, the same way how he responds to milk and food. He craves it. and you can see him literally light up with glee. Fast forward to adulthood, whenever I feel that my husband is “lacking” – I realize, he was once this boy, and these boys are the men that we know today, plus some quirks from how they were raised and additional life experiences. But essentially, and as Frank A. Clark said it, “A baby is born with a need to be loved, and never outgrows it”. So when I find myself frustrated with things and taking it out on my husband, I consciously go back to this thought and remember that the way I nurture my baby’s spirit and confidence is how I should also do for my husband. It comes in full circle.

  • Lauren King

    I thought this was great!!! It makes perfect sense. God wired us up a certain way and we are different. After God created Adam, He made Eve…”a helper” for him. Men and women are puzzle pieces. We fit together. We gotta know our roles. Love this article!

  • Perle shaiza

    This was great. I needed it.
    I just got into a good relationship with a man, 5 years older. He understands me well but I always get frustrated wishing he would communicate more and put more effort.
    Now I understand. I will make thing better now hopefully. Thank you for this article. It is very helpful.

  • delicate_dream

    I get tired of these dating blogs and self-help books perpetuating femininity and masculinity as dichotomies. Man and woman are not opposites – there IS overlap if mature adults. Gender studies and neuroscience support that there is more difference between individuals of the same gender than the general differences between men and women as a whole, yet we still get generic men vs women advice when we should be advised on healthy, adult communication.
    Instead of man being opposite to woman, man is opposite to boy and woman to girl. This article describes boys and girls. The boys will be boys, and thus their selfish human tendencies are indulged, and the girls get nurtured to become people pleasers and martyrs, denying their individual nature. The girls don’t get to act automously – they just respond to the needs of others in such a way so as to manipulate someone into meeting their needs, which half the time they can’t identify honestly unless it agrees with their culture. If their needs aren’t met, then they have to just suck it up and try another angle of manipulation. The boys are boys and are handled with kid’s gloves so that their fragile egos dont get smashed. The advice to motivate with positive reinforcement is exactly what is used in a classroom with kids. Where is the positive reinforcement for the girls? Just as in a classroom, its not there, because girls are by default expected to be well behaved and so it’s taken for granted, not acknowledged or rewarded. Girls acting autonomously are scorned for not going along with everyone else, but boys are gushed over when mischievous because they are “all boy!”. Women may have less problem communicating directly in an honest, respectful, adult fashion if we were not socialized to be indirect and pushed into manipulating out of desperation. Women resent male autonomy because it has been denied to us and presented as opposite of our nature (we must up feminity to have it – a myth!). This either/or is a false dichomoty of the ego. The writer of this blog is very egocentric. I suspect she is a Jungian/MBTI Extroverted Feeling type (probably ESFJ) and thus she sees masculinity as Introverted Thinking (her opposite aka animus). If she were more integrated, then she wouldn’t carve up reality so simplistically.

    Personally, I have always been a direct communicator, and guess what? Lots of people don’t like me for it. Because I am more autonomous than a people pleaser, I continue to not care. Do men want this direct communication? Most don’t because then they don’t get to be boys. If I act like a girl, then they can be a boy. We can call each other jerks and crazy and never take any adult responsibility. But if I show up as a woman, then he has to be an adult man. This runs contrary to this site and others which tells us to be girls and not women. It tells us we have to be totally opposite from men by staying girls in relation to their boyishness, instead of growing into our full adult selves. A full adult is INTEGRATED. Integration means the anima/animus is recognized as a part of ourselves, not the “other” to fear, compete with, or seduce. Integrated people will attract one another. If you want a healthy, happy relationship, become a WHOLE, integrated person. Don’t limit yourself to being a girl trying to win over boys.

  • vibrant77

    Wonderful advice. I tend to have a masculine feminist energy and feminine men annoyed me. Never worked. I shifted my thinking and became more feminine and attracted a younger masculine man as described in this article. You helped.me get off his butt about not putting in effort etc. Article opened my eyes and I think we will be happier once I stop pressuring him to be perfect

  • Mellowed

    I would just like to say this has really opened my mind. I’ve been with my partner for 3 years and I have been starting to question myself for example ‘if I stopped making an effort there would there even be a relationship?’ He doesn’t feel the need to contact me to see how I am or if I’ve had a good day, in fact he could probably go atleast a week if I let him. However reading this article has really explained it to me. He is a good man, so faithful and kind, although our relationship struggles when we are not together. I now know when he takes on all the extra shifts at work, that is his form of effort! I now know it is me that is making our relationship wobble, me constantly trying to ‘talk things out’ pushing him away and confusing him because I tell him he doesn’t make enough effort or I want reassurance. I always got the same response. ‘I don’t understand?”ive not changed’ etc etc… this has been such an eye-opener and much appreciated; I already feel happier and more secure just because I’m now more understanding of how his thoughts work. Thank you so much, you may have just saved my relationship!

  • Pooja Pophale

    Great advice-much needed…just had a conversation with my friends and all of them were saying how the man should put in more effort.

    Some times women get defensive reading your advice…I recently saw that on FB when a woman disliked your advice regd. ‘casual sex’.
    You were not being judgmental about anything…indeed you were being compassionate…but she misunderstood and felt judged!
    😛

    And so I liked this sentence which you have written for defensive women:If he’s truly an a**hole and you don’t want to be with him, then you can choose not to be with him.

  • Super Janice

    Thanks to point number 17, I realise that I am feminine in my core because I remember that I talked to my girlfriends about my favourite singer just for the sake of expressing myself. This is pointless from masculine perspective.

  • jv

    If a man and a woman have to do this much effort, they are not right for anyone. Feminism and egocentric behaviors are definitely the problem.

  • AH

    There is no biological imperative for “masculine men” and “feminine women.” I’m not angry with your post, it just is not founded on scientific reality and relies on “folk myths” about differences between men and women being based in biology (as opposed to how we are socialized). I suggest reading the work of anthropologist Agustin Fuentes (author of “Race, Monogamy, and Other Lies They Told You”). Hope this helps!

    • Folk myths? Read it’s not you, it’s biology by Joe Quirk. Hope this helps.!

      • AH

        Joe Quirk is a writer not a scientist and though he is sometimes a science writer, so is Nicholas Wade (who also tries to biologize differences between the sexes and gets it wrong). In contrast, Fuentes is a scientist. Your reference is not the same as my reference, comparatively. While both can be seen as coffee table books, one is written by an expert (Fuentes) and the other by someone potentially misusing scientific studies (Quirk).

        • AH

          I also sensed your snark by using the same phrase “hope this helps”- which leads me to believe you don’t want to look beyond what you think you already know to be correct.

          • AH, who are you to say who is an expert or not? Stop judging who’s an expert or not.

            You want experts I mean anthropologists? Try Helen fisher, she’s an anthropologist. Go and youtube her name. She’s got a video on men here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37zqzFSW_hc

            On another note, feel free to share your scientific, expert derived evidence here. I am more than open to learning what is true from your perspective. It would add a lot more value than throwing around your judgements.

  • AH

    There is no biological imperative for “masculine men” and “feminine women.” I’m not angry with your post, it just is not founded on scientific reality and relies on “folk myths” about differences between men and women being based in biology (as opposed to how we are socialized). I suggest reading the work of anthropologist Agustin Fuentes (author of “Race, Monogamy, and Other Lies They Told You”). Hope this helps!

  • DJ Bomb Shel

    This is RIDICULOUS! When are women going to STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR MEN?! Wow. Just wow. They’re not bad or unintuitive when they’re trying to screw you. They’re great at relationships with their buddies and family and business partners. Men are some of the most powerful diplomats in the world. This kind of talk is sexist and misogynistic. Ladies, hold every man in your life accountable. Make HIM WORK HARDER THAN YOU! ALWAYS!

  • Super Janice

    Both my biology teacher, Ms. Canan and I prefer to communicate directly.
    I think communication methods are related to MBTI types.

    Renee was erratic and emotional and she always follows her personal values (auxiliary Fi). She was extroverted and expressive as a little girl, and has a good memory (inferior Si), then her MBTI type is most likely ENFP. No wonder she prefers to communicate indirectly.

    As for Ms. Canan, I know that she prefers to be alone (Introverted), remembers events very well (and even remember where I was at that time) (dominant Si), communicates directly (auxiliary Te), but considers herself emotional yet logical (Tertiary Fi). I understand that she communicates directly because that she is an ISTJ.

    I guess I prefer to communicate directly probably because I am an ENTJ.
    Besides singing, I like stereotyping people (dominant Te). This is why I am here, trying to know whether I am feminine or masculine.

  • bardo_ing

    Women seem to enjoy indirect communication because as the writer said, it can help them avoid hurt (even if somewhat irrational), that’s a definite. Another reason, one that I haven’t heard a woman admit yet but something I feel like I’ve picked up on (could be my imagination i guess) , is that a woman wants the man (in the relationship) to take initiative, think using his own brain without having to spell it out for them. This is usually why men react saying “We’re not mind readers!” (if things have gone awry).
    I’m split on what I think about it though. As a guy, it can get pretty annoying when a woman implies rather than says. I know in my experience that whenever I have implied something it’s because I was dodging the sometimes harder but simpler way of saying it straight. Sometimes it even has made me feel intellectually superior, as though I’m speaking in riddles and metaphors, not that it’s truly enjoyable to feel like that; Because when we communicate, I believe the most important factor is leveling things, ‘being on the same page’. But then, I can see why women sometimes feel the need to do it. I guess if I were a woman then I may do it, but I don’t think it’s how you woman are wired, I think you’ve found it to be a useful technique, and most women will grow up learning from their female peers to do the same. Some will reject it, as in my case I have known women to have done.