Is there a high value way to deal with judgemental assholes?

“I can tell she’s judging me. She doesn’t like me because I am not in control like her and don’t have everything figured out and I go with the flow. I see it in her face. And then, I can’t be myself at work.”

“You mean you’re walking around on eggshells?”

“Yeah!”

That was a snippet of a conversation I had with an acquaintance.

There’s a lot of talk about getting people to stop judging everybody all over the internet. It’s everywhere. You can’t judge someone for being single, you can’t judge someone for doing parenting differently, you can’t judge someone for using too much make up.

If you do, you’re a “judgemental prick”.

Take the quiz on “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?” here.

But this is futile. When we ask and demand that others stop judging us, we are still hooked into them, and invested in their judgements. Which means, we’re invested in someone who may not even care about us.

In the process, we forget about ourselves and lose touch with the fact that we make our decisions for a reason. Some of us make more researched and more careful decisions than others, but we still all make our decisions for a reason.

I mean – there are judgemental people around you right now, who really may not even give a crap about connecting with you. Yet we are spending misguided energy on ‘trying’ to keep them from judging us.

People who judge us a lot are not interested in connecting. They are interested in feeling safe and worthy and small.

So – what can we do about judgemental people?

It’s not enough to hope that people will stop judging us. It’s also not enough to make them wrong for judging us.

Judgements are necessary. Judgements are to be respected for what they are:

An attempt at protecting our own identities, or if we have low self esteem, or live in fear, judgements are to push uncomfortable emotions further and further away.

This serves a purpose. It’s definitely not inspiring – but it serves a purpose for some people to be judgemental.

For example, judgements also keep us closer to the people who we truly connect with. We do things our way – and you ‘weird people’ continue doing things your way.

You can’t stop other humans from dong this, and you can’t always stop yourself, either. Even the kindest people on earth have had moments of being judgemental. 

So, for you and for me – there’s no need to please. We are all running out of time too fast. We’re getting old. Our loved ones are getting sick and dying.

And we worry about a natural human impulse? 

Or worst, we worry about the judgements of people who don’t give two hoots.

It doesn’t matter.

Humans have a long history of gathering with like-minded people and living in tribes. In tribes you have to fit in. If someone judges you a lot, and tries to make your choices wrong – then clearly they are not meant to be in your tribe – they’re not meant to be your friend.

Treasure that message. You may be a beautiful, sensitive woman, which you are for caring about other people and their judgements – but you’re denying the people who truly matter to you, the bulk of your energy and your gifts. Because you’re worrying about people who do not matter.

I’m happy when strangers judge me

There’s a part of me that’s happy when I feel strangers judging me. Because in the things that truly matter, I take pride in my choices, I have researched my choices, and I have my family to support me (a very tiny one at that).

And even the choices I make impulsively, stupidly – the idiotic things I do – they’re my story, and my responsibility. It doesn’t matter if someone else thinks I’m a failure because I always remember this:

In most cases, no matter HOW perfect we try to be – people will not make the nicer judgement about us. They will make the most convenient judgement about us. That’s right; whatever judgement is easiest and most convenient, they will make about us anyway.

For example, for someone who is being lazy, or who isn’t interested in caring about you, or for people with low self esteem, the most convenient judgement to make about you will be the judgement that makes them look good, and makes you look bad.

Let it be. They are not you. You are not them.

Let them have that illusion that they are so much better than you. They need it more than you do.

Sometimes, people really do need that to keep them where they are at in life. Don’t try to take that away from them. You’re higher value than that. You’re stronger than that.

It’s not a stranger’s or an acquaintance’s job to not judge me.

Other people’s job is to judge me. It’s my job to deal with it and respect that they need to judge others for whatever reason.

They’re going to make a bad egg in my life if they judge me a lot – what use is there in me really trying to fit into their mould?

People close to you should not judge you

However – it’s a problem if our husband or best friend, or mother judges us.

THAT is a no-no.

The people you’ve accepted in to your tribe need to care about you, as much as you care about them.

The people you choose to put your trust in, need to feel you and connect with you, and you need to do that for them – maybe even more so. The more present you are for them, the more value you can add, and the more rubbish you can see through.

If they don’t care enough to overcome impulsive judgements of you, and if you don’t care enough to overcome impulsive judgements of them, then they should be downgraded to a stranger or an acquaintance. Not a friend, or a lover.

Why would you want to NOT worry about people judging you when it’s so painful?

I won’t deny that we all have a desire to be socially accepted.

But often, we strive for social acceptance in the wrong context.

For example, we strive to be accepted in a group of friends who never cared about us. When we should be getting up, leaving, and finding better social circles.

We should NEVER worry about judgements from a place of scarcity, and fear.

We should never strive to ‘fit in’ just because we have no one else. That is mediocrity – and that’s what we do when we are constantly afraid.

Just breathe.

Let your body breathe in whichever way it naturally wants to.

I’d prefer the agony of loneliness than the fakeness of a fake lover or fake friends.

What if you truly LOVE someone and they judge you?

What if you truly love someone and they judge you? That’s ok, if you truly love and care for them. It’s always ok when there’s the strength of only love.

And, it is your choice.

Because when you truly love someone, and you put your energy and focus in the strength of your love when you interact with them, then you can open them beyond their own little suitcase of suffering that is their judgements of you.

The most judgemental people are creating their own suffering the most. It’s a terrible cycle of suffering.

Why would you judge when you could open your arms, stand under a tree, and feel the depth and infinity of the earth that you are?

Only because repetitive suffering is safer than feeling how infinite we really are. And how one we are with the ocean, the earth – how we truly ARE the ocean and the earth.

This is where you come in.

If you truly do love someone, and they judge you, then you get to make the choice – take the high road and open them beyond their judgements? (Which would require that you show your total acceptance of them?)

Or leave them behind?

Both decisions are ok. It depends on the context and on the history of how they have treated you. Whether they even ever made you feel like they care about you. 

Don’t choose to be small and low value if you have the choice. Don’t chase acceptance. Instead, give love and acceptance to a few people who deserve it.

And, choose carefully. Every ounce of worry spent on insignificant people, on strangers, is less energy left over for the people who would be loyal to you.

Find out what makes you a goddess, download your Goddess Report.

email_polaroid

  • Lolade Ajai

    I can totally relate to this. I have had to walk away from many relationships (women) over the space of two years. I moved countries and, while my circle of friends has always been small (i can count them on one hand and still have fingers left), now they are miles away from me. I decided to go out and socialise and found myself struggling to get along with most people i met and got to know. The major problem was always judgement and comparison among women. It is so exhausting. I never feel inclined towards playing that game, ever. So i walk away. I would say i may have perfected the art of the slow fade, haha.

    The biggest emotion i feel is a deep, aching emptiness; like i have been drained of all life. Sad and listless and needing a few days to recharge, after every episode with these women. I feel things so deeply it bothers me sometimes. So now i have resorted to connecting more via Skype and Whatsapp calls, with my friends who are close enough to call bullshit when i need to hear hard truths, and drown me with love the rest of the time; and vice-versa. You cannot place a price tag on those kinds of high quality relationships.

    I have met a few ladies here with healthy self-esteem, so it’s not all doom and gloom. But your article validated my decision to ‘take my time’ to get to know people first, before getting too close.

  • Goodall Lesley

    Renee, at 62 I don’t care what others think of me now, although I’ve had stupid times of making myself ill over it. When someone says to me now, ‘Lesley you look younger every time we see you’ I think ‘ Well at least I’m not invisible yet.’!!!

  • Melissa Bridges

    I’ve noticed that some of the most confident women who look down on others who they see as less than either deny a part of themselves that if anyone ever saw it, including themselves they wouldn’t be able to love. They are also good at projecting these feelings since again, they’re not less than, and if picked up by am insecure person who is afraid to be totally themselves, their insecurities will be mirrored energetically right back and will reinforce unworth.
    Judgments aren’t necessary. They have nothing to do with us personally, it is the judger who has issues..
    To think, some people actually beluve tjat the outer world must reflect to them their inner world. That’s why they are miserable bitches. Waste so much time controlling how others see you and making sure ur self esteem is good, and none of which you have any control of!! You are powerless to think that you can control another..and to full of yourself to see past your pride
    Peope who love people and judge them may love them but how can they reallg when they don’t love themselves.
    In the end, who the f cares what anyone thinks of you. I live my life playfully, and with freedom. I am whatever I am and sometimes I am whatever I am then. I don’t have to make judhemts because I am living in the moment and when I am not it is due to a fear of something that I have yet to resolve within me..
    Getting hung up on that in ego says I am this way on this day and I at like tbis when,ect…..if I step away from my safe identity then I risk being vulnerable and will have to trust that o don’t have to watch me all the time bc someone else within me already is.
    Truth is, most people aren’t even aware of their junk or pay that much attention to their behaviors. They’re too busy fault finding others…..
    No matter what you do or how you behave or how much shame wants to make you feel like you are not the way you were meant to be, you are lovable..and it’s all part of you. Parts of you have to come out to heal and then you return to wholeness..
    Sure, if we felt loved and accepted by ourselves we wouldn’t seek it out in others. We will attract the same frequency and will mirror energetically how we feel about ourselves. We unconsciously pick people we know will abandon or abuse us like everyone else. None of our lives are about others it’s all us.
    Says a lot about a woman who can hold her own, stand up to intimidation and care less what other think. We got freedom and they want it too, but u can’t get there thru ego…once u realise how literally insignifiagnt you are and small, you will get over yourself and start living life with joy.

    • Melissa Bridges

      Ahha!! I caught myself judging them by calling them bitches!! Lol. To be more compassionate, really they’re hurting inside, and who can’t relate..

  • Angela

    Hi Renee: I love this article! I can say that it is really hard to have a healthy self-image if you are constantly surrounded by people who judge you. As a child, the people closest to me judged me harshly – namely my mother and sister, and they did it for sport. I was the “cinderella” of the family and it still holds today. My mother’s constant degrading behavior towards me affected my personal and professional choices and I’m just coming to terms with it in my 40’s. After high school, I married (and finally divorced) a man who also judged me harshly and it wasn’t until I was miserable with nowhere to turn that I discovered this pattern and source of dysfunction. How liberating it is to know my worth and be able to choose my own tribe of people who love and support me. It still is sad that my mother and sister have let their fears keep them small and unhappy and we remain disconnected today. I try to find ways to connect to them while keeping myself safe, but I haven’t figured it out yet. I’m now engaged to a wonderfully supportive masculine man who protects and adores me everyday! He challenges me to be a better woman, and shows me pure love in every moment. I’d love to see you do more articles for women who have damaging childhood experiences, we are the ones who have the hardest time finding (and keeping) true love, because we have to develop a healthy love for ourselves without much to start with most times! It’s a lonely road to branch out and be love, when you’ve been surrounded by fear and lack most of your life. Growing means risking rejection and that’s exactly what happened to me. I’m the only one who finished college, went to law school and preparing for a real wedding. It’s nothing to brag about however, because I really don’t have any close relatives to share all of the joys with. So I see why people choose the familiar even if it isn’t real love. It’s sad and exciting at the same time to be in this position. Keep providing real content for real people Renee. I’ve bought a few of your programs and get so much from what you produce. Thank you!

  • sandre

    “I can tell she’s judging me. She doesn’t like me because I am not in control like her and don’t have everything figured out and I go with the flow. I see it in her face. And then, I can’t be myself at work.” – If she REALLY is “in control” and “has everything figured out” she would NOT be judging you! She’d be too busy being in control and enjoying her life to expand time and energy on creating negative thoughts about other people!

  • StarsCollide

    It is so easy to judge people, but it is difficult to take the time to look at our reflection and see what we did wrong. We cannot always see immediately why the person was that way in the first place. There are reasons why people are who they are today.

  • unfriended

    And then sometimes it’s not even about you. They aren’t judging you at all. They have a whole entire life that was lived before they met you, and a whole life that is lived when you aren’t around. And what they say, do or ask is based on that and their misplaced understanding that you are a friend who will take them at face value.
    You think they’re judging you, and you are judging them for that, but the only one doing the judging is you.
    Congrats on the baby. Wish I could have met him or her. Also wish you could have told me what awful thing I did for you to cut me out of your life.

  • Anita

    What a great post!
    Very timely too!! I was just thinking on this topic related to someone in the distant family – who was judgy, hurtful but not attempting to connect – and after reading this article concluded that they just are not my tribe and that I must not waste my energy on one small negative but rather focus on the positives:))

  • Jessica W

    People are going to judge each other until they pass away. No sense in letting those things get to you. It’s not what you are called; it’s what you answer to. Half the time, judgmental people are jealous or don’t understand and seek to destroy others. However, sometimes being judgmental can keep you safe from disaster when it comes to friendships, relationships, and marriages.

  • Nes

    Thank you for this article René… It arrived in my mailbox at the right time.

  • Lucia

    I would like to share my experience here. I live in one of those European capitals where women are focused on their careers and how much money they make. They always compete against each other and almost all of them had an unhappy childhood where one of their parents was constantly putting them down and making them feel unworthy. Since I ended up among them I clearly had the same issue until I discovered this blog and found out the reason of my unhappiness: not being in touch with my feminine nature. So it took me about 2 years to make a career shift and during this time I turned from business manager to…preschool teacher! 🙂 But guess what happened next? All those masculine women started to criticise me (my job is not well paid but it makes me happy, however…how would they understand?) I have no prestigious reputation in a multinational company, I also dress in a simple way since I am working with kids, I talk about fairytales not about reports and numbers…so that makes me “weak” in their eyes. The reason why this doesn’t affect me at all is because the separation has already happened the moment I switched towards the feminine energy inside me. So nothing connects us anymore, not even judgement. And I honestly wish to them the same feeling that I am having right now: being confident within my own essence. At the end of the day it is not between me and them but between me and the one who created me to be a woman…

    • Thank you for sharing your beautiful story Lucia! x

  • Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

    “we strive to be accepted in a group of friends who never cared about us. When we should be getting up, leaving, and finding better social circles.”

    “Don’t chase acceptance.”

    OMG Renee! That is exactly what I just went through a couple of weeks ago! As soon as I started to read this article I wondered if you would say something about what to actually *do* in these instances (as opposed to how to mentally deal with judgmental people, which is of course important, but sometimes you need to physically do something!)

    I would go with a group of so-called friends for breakfast every so often. Well one of them is very intolerant of other religions (the group is mostly “christian” but I am not) and she called my religion “Evil”. Another so-called ‘friend’ who I’ve known for years egged her on and kept saying more about it so that she would keep spouting her narrow-minded viewpoint, he did not even defend me but egged her on in her disrespect of my religion. He knows full-well I am that religion and I wear a ring as well so it is obvious, it’s not like she didn’t know. And when I tried to speak up for myself he called me an arrogant Bitch & talked right over me.

    My meal was ruined; I packed up my fruit and quietly thanked the person who’d driven me there and said I would never go to that meal again & I walked home. I was so upset I was shaking & cried for a while when I got home, and I was upset for 3 days.

    I feel exactly as you said, I would rather be alone than go out and hear such intolerant & disrespectful comments about my religion just because I have no-one else to hang out with or nothing else to do on a Saturday morning. My own company is much better than that nonsense!

    I love that phrase, “Don’t chase acceptance”! Can I use this as my new mantra?!

    And I love what you said about not trying to ‘fit in’ because we have no-one else! I have never fit in anywhere in my life – I am diagnosed Asperger’s & have a hard time meeting people, I don’t fit in, I’m a lone wolf socially. Well I don’t need that group of people. I should not be expected to take that kind of treatment.

    Renee maybe in the future you could do an article about people who are more awkward socially like women with Asperger’s who have a hard time with eye contact & meeting people? Just a thought!

    • Lauren Talley

      Hi Tanya, I read your comment and it made me very sad. I’m a Christian, a very committed one, and I want to apologize to you for the way you were treated. God definitely would not treat you unkindly, and He doesn’t condone His kids acting that way.

      Hoping you discover some healthy, loving new friendships! ❤️

  • DW

    This was RIGHT ON TIME. I am so thankful for you, Renee, and your deep hold on reality. What a blessing to know that there are other women out there who just get it. Women who emanate light and not negativity. I struggle with seeing my reflection in other women who, rather than take time to get to know me, instead judge…hearing your words is true encouragement to fight through.

    P.s. – Please don’t leave for long! Your articles are a breath of fresh air.

    xoxo -D

  • Robin

    Hi Renee,
    Thank you for this letter. I am curious how to hold the space of loving someone and gracefully walking away as one determines that a relationship the way I would like it based on my needs, is not possible…. If I am not getting my needs met how do I relay this without “judging” them. I struggle for words that expose my high valueless of myself vs low value as “I don’t accept them.”

    Thank you always,
    Robin

  • Tonya Westbrook

    I have to be honest I have been judged plenty of times and I’m also guilty of judging others. At age 41 I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin.. Not really caring very little about what others think. What bothers me is when a person I love or care for judges me on my past mistakes in life. I have four children.. Ranching from 26 to 20 years old. I had them while I was still practically a kid myself. I regret having them so young.. But I don’t regret having them for they made me what I am today. I have met gentleman prior to the stable and committed relationship Iam in now, who were very crude and judgemental about my decisions as a youth and having children so early in life. It really devastated my self confidence and made me question my worth, I became isolated and somewhat anti social not wanting or allowing anyone to know me, my family or past because I felt a negative perception about me would instantly be made. This ridicule has made me also perceive and distinguish others in a certain light. I am happy to say with time, maturity and finding myself.. I have become and am becoming a better me. Someone who is not afraid of people’s mediocre insults or judgement. I am a true believer.. That it is our imperfections that sometimes make us shine the brightest. I have been liberated😉

  • Great and such an important topic. I have to disagree with the part about it not being ok when the people who we love and who we are close to judge us. I believe that just like with strangers, judgments can have a lot of use and benefit if they are communicated respectfully. I want my lover, my parent and my close friend to tell me what they think I am doing wrong so that I have an opportunity to consider it, change it if I find it necessary or apologize or all of the above. When done correctly, judgment shouldn’t create obstacles but should bring people closer together.

    • Hi Practicalh – oh! I don’t consider what you describe as a judgement…

      When you say ‘I want my lover, my parent and my close friend to tell me what they think I am doing wrong so that I have an opportunity to consider it’ – that sounds to me like you are welcoming loving feedback. Which isn’t a judgement.

      Judgements create separation between two otherwise intimate people, and can be hostile – a way of making someone else’s existence, unique way of doing things wrong for the sake of serving one’s selfish needs out of fear. Eg: “Ugh, going by how he looks, I bet he has never seen a treadmill in his life.” or “You only leave your socks everywhere because you’re lazy.” – these are judgements.

      But what you said is very interesting!! I want the same from the people close to me – but if I can feel that they care.

      • Hi, Renee. Thanks for your response and the interesting distinction you make. I appreciate your thoughts and totally agree.

      • Being Judgmental nature or not being one is up to one’s communicating area and once they enter the field of community, the respective rules are to be taught by the elders or parents, the elders ignorance causes the mishap of mis-understanding one’s thoughts and words which results in the separation between two or against the community.

  • Barbara Ruberto

    Love this article, spot on! Your views and writings make me a deeper, caring, loving person. I take better care of myself, friends, and loved ones because you help me to be more aware, conscientious and present in my own life! Mahalo my dear.

  • Damsel in Distress

    I had this problem with an older, very attractive female at work. I knew she had a thing for my husband and was jealous of me. She has been married four times and has had many other relationships that never last.

    She started working at the same store as me and from the start she had an attitude toward me. She would constantly watch me like she was judging me. She acted really snobby, like she was better than me. She would try to act smarter than me, and like she was an authority over me in front of customers.

    Very few men came in this store, but most of the ones who did, she would approach them like she was the hottest thing since sliced bread and try to impress them. One day she did this with a man she went to school with right in front of my register and he blew her off. I think she was trying to show off in front of me, but she only ended up making herself look desperate.

    I let this effect me. It effected my self confidence. I walked around humped over always worried about what she was thinking about me. I was miserable.

    I had found your website and had started reading your articles. I took your advice and I started being more feminine, more open, more honest about my feeling, more happy, more playful. I became a radiant goddess. Everywhere, with everyone. And it worked just like you said. Other people instinctively also became the same back to me.

    It also had a good effect on her. She loosened up, stopped treating me that way and actually started talking to me.

    • This is just a wonderful comment and story. Thank You!

Send this to a friend