If He Loves You More Than You Love Him, Is It Worth A Chance?

Hi Renee,

I have been following your blog and it has changed my life significantly. Thank you.
I recently met a guy who I believe truly loves me, the problem is, He has a lot of habits I used to have but worked really hard on myself to quit.(ex. talking too much)
If I am being honest, am not sure I love this man but I realized I have been too picky with men.

This guy calls me, checks up and tells me he loves me often (too often even).
Should I give him a chance?

Hi “Phoenix”,

I began to reply to you in the comments on my blog, but figured I would respond in a blog post, so here it is!

This is such an important topic and your question is a good one. Yet I’m going to start by suggesting that you are either saying one of two things here:

1: You are considering giving this man a chance because of a lack of better options around. (Because let’s face it, if there was a 10/10 man at your front door right now, interested in you, you wouldn’t even be considering this man whom you don’t really love)

2: You could be saying that this man actually has ‘potential’ to be a High Value mate, yet, you really have an issue with being too judgemental of men. And – you being judgemental puts your guard up, closes you off, and stops you from forming beautiful, spontaneous connections with men.

Which one are you saying? They are two different situations. However, what is interesting is that you can utilise situation number 1 to potentially raise your value and hope that you will soon enough attract a man who is High Value (or an 8/10 and above) in to your life.

You might not really desire this man, but ask yourself the question – could you and do you want to consider spending some time with him, practicing your connection skills, so that you become more skillful and confident at connecting and playing? All for the purpose of raising your value so that you can attract the mate that you want?

Some would suggest that this behaviour would be leading a man on. And I guess that could be true. However, if you wanted to try and genuinely connect with him, and after a short time cut it off (if you truly feel that you both do not have a genuine, unique connection), there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with having given it a go – as long as your intention was to connect. Why? Because if your intention is to connect, then you would naturally cut him off when you feel the time is right, and you won’t go around hurting anybody.

A genuine desire to connect with also help you to be more finely attuned to the situation, which a lot of people are not these days.

Could your judgement be a possible blockage to connection?

I would suggest that you don’t want to give a man a chance ‘for the sake of it’ . However, what you said about being picky is smart and important – what if you remove the judgement of his behaviour completely for a week, and connect with him heart-to-heart, and really have a true intent to connect, and feel him, and feel how you feel around him?

If you (like many of us women) are too quick to judge men who don’t immediately give the impression of High mate value, then that judgemental habit can potentially (key word: potentially, because sometimes you really don’t want to give low value men any chances at all) – but a judgemental habit can be a blockage to having true vulnerable, spontaneous, heart-open connection with someone. And you could end up alone because of it.

On the other hand, you need to really reach inside, and feel yourself. Is your body truly telling you ‘no’ to this man? Do you intuitively feel – and know – that he is low value, but you just think you should give him a chance for no good reason other than it fits your identity of giving things a go? Because that can be a real waste of time.

The other thing you need to be aware of is just not to jump into giving him a chance just to take value only because he’s the only man who is currently offering you anything. In this case, the words “give him a chance” is really just code for: see if you should take the mediocre value he is offering since there’s no better option in men around?

Do it for the connection, not to take attention and value

Having said that, I am not saying that you should disregard him altogether. You could give him a chance, but on one basis only: for the reason that you could practice having vulnerable connection with him until it no longer feels right to continue.

Don’t force a relationship just because he likes you and is being generous with his attention, because chances are, he may not even truly love you, he could be looking for sex.

You mentioned: “This guy calls me, checks up and tells me he loves me often (too often even)” – RED FLAG. Where is the red flag? It is in the way you said he might check up on you ‘too often’. Coupled with the fact that you don’t really love this man, the fact that you’re saying that you don’t really love this man, this all presents a possible problem.

Here’s what I mean: If you say he’s doing it ‘too often’, then it could mean these things:

1: He is not attuned to you (he doesn’t really care where you’re at), he’s just looking for sex or something casual.

2: He just wants to take value because he senses that you like the attention, and you liking the attention means you could be a sexual opportunity. When we are blinded by our own need for attention, we can easily become prey to men.

No, I’m not pointing the finger here, cause I know that women generally enjoy attention from men – the only issue with that is when our need to take attention from the world is so great that we ignore our body’s messages to us (intuition) and ignore the truth of what’s happening right in front of our eyes.

Men who are High Value, who are genuinely falling in love, or feeling a real connection with you, won’t ‘check up on you too often’ in a way that makes you feel like it is ‘too often’ or ‘too much’. Because they don’t need to! They can have women whenever they want. They’ll sense the lack of enthusiasm on your part, and they will usually accept it or leave with grace. A High Value man will simply move on.

Check out this article on The Two Traits of Women That Men Routinely Fall In Love With.

The answer here really is: If you feel like you can go ahead with him, purely for the reason that you enjoy practising to connect, then you could consider doing that.

Other than that – don’t waste his time and yours, I say, if you’re only doing it for lack of better options in your life right now. I don’t say that because you’d be leading him on, I say it for your benefit. I say it because of the fact that you’d only be perpetuating your own habit of ‘settling for whatever scraps you can get’. That is a dangerous habit to get stuck in, because it keeps you low value.

Do you have a hole from the past that needs to be filled with attention?

At some point, many of us, (you and I included) have to look deep within, and ask ourselves this:

“Is it him that I want the attention from? Or am I just missing attention from when I was a little girl, and desperately want to fill that void now?”

If you didn’t receive enough attention as a little girl, or if you DID receive plenty of attention, but for whatever reason, you didn’t actually let yourself receive that attention to the fullest (which is true of most women, because we are coy and pretend we don’t need attention so that other women don’t hate us), then you’re in trouble.

You need to revisit old memories and fill that hole that is labelled ‘Attention from people’ up before you take the next turn in the dating market. Just so that you feel that you’ve received attention in abundance in this lifetime.

If you don’t take the time to do this, to add value to yourself, you will keep making decisions that eat away at your chances of genuinely falling in love and meeting ‘the one’.

At the end of the day, this is what all this stuff is really about: adding value to yourself. That’s the very best thing you can do, so that you can walk tall, proud and live in a body that you are proud of.

I hope this helped. 🙂
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P.S. Here’s a quiz we created that will help you answer, “How Feminine Am I?”

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  • Maja Wallengren Spillingthebea

    Dear Renee and all the other women reading along here, I am thrilled to see this post here in writing as I rarely have time to watch videos in full. SO first of all thanks so much for doing this dual written-video post here.

    This time the post in question here got me SO emotionally involved that I want to share my own story here, a story which I hope can serve as an inspiration to never give up in the quest for finding real and lasting love, and a story which I hope will bring encouragement to all the women reading along because by the end of the day, we all want to find that great grand love story in our life — and after many years of dating that has taken me from wonderful adventures in dating and romance, through a number of highly abusive relationships, to become a single mother going through a complicated and painful divorce (it is always better to be alone than being with someone who is abusive), to get back into dating only to have a series of incredibly disappointing encounters with men who even well passed their years turned out to be different versions of the in-mature “man-child” that had to many issues, or un-resolved issues to move on to anything more. . . well, at the end of this I am currently living the GRAND love adventure that has turned into a full-blown wonderful and mature relationship.

    I have for several months now been drunk with happiness and butterflies. Following the one thing that all my past experience has taught me — even if it took me all through my twenties and part of my thirties to learn to trust my intuition — my gut instinct has ALWAYS been right, and so this is very much part of why I know this man in my life now is right. I have been following your blog and posts for many years now, Renee, and for the most part I really love your posts — but I can’t help caution a bit about some of the advice and comments in this post here. And seeing some of the comments here below I would like to also encourage the women here to ease up a bit. I see a LOT of pickiness and way too much focus on the “high-value” status both of the men and themselves as women, so much that it’s becoming borderline insecurity. This particular topic about whether to risk your own heart — because at the end of the day it really is about whether you are willing to risk it all for a shot at meeting and getting this great love story in your life — and so is the question whether to risk it if “He Loves You More Than You Love Him” and whether to even give it a try?

    The topic caught my attention as I myself is in the middle of a relationship that very much started out exactly this way, with a man I met over 17 years ago. When we initially met all these many years ago it fairly quickly became evident that he had fallen madly in love with me and he sure did try to pursue me at many different occasions during the first couple of years. But he never pushed it to a point where I would ever feel it was “too much” or “too often” and for all that I entirely appreciated his attention and had no doubt to him being sincere and honest about his feelings for me, I also was very conscience about NOT wanting to hurt him. At the point the timing was just not right for me, and I always tried to tell him off, reject him as such, in the most gentle but honest way as possible. He was — by all your words of choice — a High Value man and eventually would move on. During the years where we have both been on-and-off active in a dance group (we are both big time into Latino music and dancing) we would continue to meet, he with his different partners and I with my different partners. AT some point 9 to 10 years ago we ended up meeting again, both as single, and he again tried to pursue me. TO use your own words Renee, I don’t think there is anything wrong with trying to give a man a chance to see if a genuine connection can be established as long as you are not deliberately creating false hopes — playing around with someone’s feelings is NEVER ok, it can be just as incredibly hurtful to men as we often bemoan as women, so I do think we need to be cautious about that. In this case, and for all that it might sound too good to believe for some, I knew he still had feelings for me, and I knew he had never been into me for something only casual. At this time I thought that maybe timing was different, and we did ended up going out for about a month, actually dating and going to a few events together (although we never took it to the level of sexual intimacy) but the connection was STLL just not there for me.
    So I did the only thing that was fair, when I was sure that this connection, as much as I would have liked for it to develop, simply was not there, and told him. And I know it did hurt him, which I really did feel bad about, but a lot less bad than if I had dragged him along for the attempt of working on my own connectivity skills. Hence, also why I really feel for the man being introduced here in the beginning of the post, because for all that Phoenix here says the man here “calls me, checks up and tells me he loves me often (too often even)” — it is not clear to me that he does ALL of this “too often” or only a part of it; i.e. calls too often OR tells her he loves her too often, or checks up on her too often. Just like we as women most often are the ones that call or text the men of our affection or interest WAY TOO OFTEN, in the reverse situation, we immediately get why it can get to be too much and start backing away. Within a year after that yet another failed attempt to try to establish a connection with this man, I would then meet the man I ended up marrying and everything seemed wonderful at the time — until it didn’t and things started falling apart when we after 2 years of marriage and when my daughter was 10 months old he decided to leave us and give up on the commitment. Lots of different reasons for why this did not work out which is a different story all entirely, but while I initially thought we might still be able to recover the relationship and was willing to work for that, over the next two years it became increasingly clear to me that his aggressive temper was not something I could accept to live with, not for me and even less for my daughter to grow up and think that is ok — Abuse at any level, whether emotional or physical, is never acceptable, it’s never ok. And after a lifetime of dealing with this issue it has been a fascinating discovery to finally realize during the last 3-4 years that I finally HAVE learned from the lessons and finally HAVE learned to stand up for myself and start reacting before having things and/or events turn into an un-controllable disaster.

    As always in love, it is exactly in the moment when you definitively do NOT think that you will meet anyone, that love suddenly appears in front of you. It is exactly when you do NOT consider a man to even BE a candidate that someone suddenly turns up right in front of you. And in the amazing adventure that is life and love, it never fails to fascinate me how this moment can only happen when we as women manage to separate our desire from BEING in a relationship with the realization of understanding that we don’t NEED to be in a relationship. As so many times before, this happened exactly after I had gone through a prolonged period of pure life-enjoyment, a period where I had been feeling truly inspired by and optimistic about life itself and where I was very happy with everything going on in my life even WTHOUT a man in my life. A period where I was feeling incredibly good about my age (45 years today), my form (yes even with a few kilograms more than desired), my health, my double role as a career single mother and, even if I am constantly juggling a million things at the same time and still have economic challenges, I was (and am) entirely happy about where I am in life and — literally — had “tons of men” just waiting outside my doorstep inviting me out. And one of these days I again reconnected with my man from over 17 years ago, and — as we have done from time to time throughout the years – agreed to go out in the very clear understanding that we would meet “just as friends” to dance in the social club where we have always been meeting. Only THIS time around, suddenly everything had changed. Halfway through the evening I realized that my feelings toward him had changed.

  • Maja Wallengren Spillingthebea

    I realized that I had zero interest in dancing with anybody else — which really is the norm in that kind of Latino club, that you go and you dance with everybody, even if you come with a partner. Toward the end of the evening I suddenly started feeling butterflies all over and around. And it was driving me completely crazy, in the best of ways. So I did what I do best, took a hard look at myself from above and tried to understand what was going and — following my intuition — I asked myself to be honest with myself, are these feeling for real? It didn’t took me long to realize they were, because if there is one thing I have never been able to do it’s not being honest about my feelings, least of all with myself. But I couldn’t get over the surprise of how this happened, after all these years what had changed? In the days that followed we texted several times and coordinated to meet in another dance club a few days later. For me it was essential to explore if this really was REAL, if these new feelings that I so entirely surprisingly seemed to have developed for this man after knowing each other for so many years were not just some spur-of-the-moment that something had brought about that particularly night and that night only. It wasn’t. And thinking it over — not being able to stop thinking about anything else in fact — it fairly quickly became clear to me that two of the key issues about him that had made me have some reservations about dating him earlier in life, well, on these two issued he had changed. He hadn’t changed that about himself for me, but he had changed it for other different life-reasons (one of them for instance was that he used to be a heavy smoker and that was a real non-negotiable to me). Thinking it over, it became clear to me that not only were these issues, reservations that had made it impossible for me to connect with him at a deeper level all these many years ago, but the fact that he had changed on these issues suddenly created this opening that I had never allowed myself to have toward him earlier. And sure, again in your words Renee, I realized that I had been incredibly judgemental toward him all these years, mostly because of these two issues, and I had for SURE put my guard up, closed myself entirely off to him and suddenly, in this magical moment where I let down my guard, a truly beautiful and spontaneous connection was established. In short, we actually connected!

    I have always been an eternal optimist in life and love. I have always firmly believed that in order to have even the tiniest shot at finding that magical over-all life consuming and empowering love story in life, I have to also be willing to risk it all, i.e. be willing to risk going through incredible heart-ache. You don’t get the one without knowing the other. I have also always believed that — as the saying go — timing is everything. If something is meant to be, I have complete faith in that Life itself or the Universe will figure out how to create another opportunity somewhere along the road of Life for two people to try to connect, or RE-CONNECT, if needed or necessary. In this case, there was a lot at stake. I knew, as I had known during all these years, that while he had moved on thinking he would not ever be able to develop any real connection with me, he had however continued to have feelings for me at different levels all these years. I knew for me to “lead him on” would be cruel unless I was willing to give it my 110% really trying to explore this new connection. I knew that even if I did try to genuinely connect with him, he might NOT be willing to risk it yet again. He had been hurt by me before — even if he would never put any blame or criticism or in any other way negatively hold anything against me for whatever had not worked out all these previous years and these several attempts of connecting earlier.

    So it was also clear that this time I was the one that had to do a “grand gesture” to show him I was sincere in these new feelings I was beginning to develop toward him. I decided, literally from the evening to the morning, to let down ALL my guard and all my barriers, tear down ALL the walls that I had built up during the years in order to learn how to stand up for myself and defend myself from abuse in earlier relationship, that NONE of these barriers had nothing to do with him in this moment — even though they had had part in me not being able to connect with him earlier — and leave all the doors to my heart wide open. And I am not going to deny it, it is a TERRIFYING act to do because you feel walking with your heart on the outside, you feel SO incredibly vulnerable and exposed. But this is one of the other two things that I have learned from my many years of dating, through the years of “normal” dating before online dating and the internet and whatsapp took over most of our daily routines; We women HAVE to allow men to see us a vulnerable, that is very much a core part of being the Feminine Women that men do crave and look for and is willing to commit to. Being able to let down our guard is not a sign of weakness nor a sign of insecurity — on the contrary, allowing our vulnerable side to show from time to also show a man what level of self-security and self-confidence we have, and it allows the man to feel less exposed as taking all the risks alone. The other thing we as women are terrible at is over-analyzing everything, even before we even know what is going on in a man’s life, even without knowing if he had had some reason to not call or text as quickly as we would like, we have already made up a hundred conspiracy theories about why. In this case, I had no idea of knowing where my man was in his life or what was going on with anything. I just had to trust my intuition that if my feelings were sincere and I was honest about them, then I would be able to convey that to him. And he would later tell me that while he sure liked my change in attitude of attention toward him during these two days where we went dancing, he sure did NOT even dare to believe me because — and rightly so — I had still tried very hard to put some limits down during these two nights when we were talking and saying our good buys, I had still tried to keep up a lot of barriers. . . that was, until these 4-5 days later when I made a conscious decision about CONSCIOUSLY to let go off all my barriers. And that, about a week later (he would tell me later on) was instrumental in letting him feel that I was opening up to him, in a real and honest attempt to connect.

    In the months that have passed since then we have gone through the typical “honeymoon phase” of a dating situation turning into a relationship where both parts are totally on this same magical level and whatever comes up from feelings to desires to dreams and other ideas in life we miraculously seem to share most thoughts about everything. Whatever new details we learn about each other seem to be endearing and enchanting. He has from Day One in this new phase told me not to worry about having any pressure on any feeling toward him, to take all the time I need — which I frankly, after all these years, feel completely secure about because I know that he is honest and sincere with me. He has, one way or another, waited a full 17 years for me and accepted quite a few rejections from me during the years and yet there is NO hurt or regret or any other feeling of any negative sentiment between us, only mutual gratitude and appreciation that Life has given us another shot at developing a connection at a time in life where we both appear to finally be on the same path. I have no reason to believe he is “sweet-talking me” with anything he says or does, because he is not saying anything he hasn’t not said to me all these years. So even if a part of me thinks this may exactly be a situation where he will always love me more than what I will ever come to love him, I don’t feel any pressure by this at all. Even if for all that I know

  • Maja Wallengren Spillingthebea

    Dear Rene and all the other women reading along here, I am thrilled to see this post here in writing as I rarely have time to watch videos in full. SO first of all thanks so much for doing this dual written-video post here.

    This time the post in question here got me SO emotionally involved that I want to share my own story here, a story which I hope can serve as an inspiration to never give up in the quest for finding real and lasting love, and a story which I hope will bring encouragement to all the women reading along because by the end of the day, we all want to find that great grand love story in our life — and after many years of dating that has taken me from wonderful adventures in dating and romance, through a number of highly abusive relationships, to become a single mother going through a complicated and painful divorce (it is always better to be alone than being with someone who is abusive), to get back into dating only to have a series of incredibly disappointing encounters with men who even well passed their years turned out to be different versions of the in-mature “man-child” that had to many issues, or un-resolved issues to move on to anything more. . . well, at the end of this I am currently living the GRAND love adventure that has turned into a full-blown wonderful and mature relationship.

    I have for several months now been drunk with happiness and butterflies. Following the one thing that all my past experience has taught me — even if it took me all through my twenties and part of my thirties to learn to trust my intuition — my gut instinct has ALWAYS been right, and so this is very much part of why I know this man in my life now is right. I have been following your blog and posts for many years now, Rene, and for the most part I really love your posts — but I can’t help caution a bit about some of the advice and comments in this post here. And seeing some of the comments here below I would like to also encourage the women here to ease up a bit. I see a LOT of pickiness and way too much focus on the “high-value” status both of the men and themselves as women, so much that it’s becoming borderline insecurity. This particular topic about whether to risk your own heart — because at the end of the day it really is about whether you are willing to risk it all for a shot at meeting and getting this great love story in your life — and so is the question whether to risk it if “He Loves You More Than You Love Him” and whether to even give it a try?

    The topic caught my attention as I myself is in the middle of a relationship that very much started out exactly this way, with a man I met over 17 years ago. When we initially met all these many years ago it fairly quickly became evident that he had fallen madly in love with me and he sure did try to pursue me at many different occasions during the first couple of years. But he never pushed it to a point where I would ever feel it was “too much” or “too often” and for all that I entirely appreciated his attention and had no doubt to him being sincere and honest about his feelings for me, I also was very conscience about NOT wanting to hurt him. At the point the timing was just not right for me, and I always tried to tell him off, reject him as such, in the most gentle but honest way as possible. He was — by all your words of choice — a High Value man and eventually would move on. During the years where we have both been on-and-off active in a dance group (we are both big time into Latino music and dancing) we would continue to meet, he with his different partners and I with my different partners. AT some point 9 to 10 years ago we ended up meeting again, both as single, and he again tried to pursue me. TO use your own words Rene, I don’t think there is anything wrong with trying to give a man a chance to see if a genuine connection can be established as long as you are not deliberately creating false hopes — playing around with someone’s feelings is NEVER ok, it can be just as incredibly hurtful to men as we often bemoan as women, so I do think we need to be cautious about that. In this case, and for all that it might sound too good to believe for some, I knew he still had feelings for me, and I knew he had never been into me for something only casual. At this time I thought that maybe timing was different, and we did ended up going out for about a month, actually dating and going to a few events together (although we never took it to the level of sexual intimacy) but the connection was STLL just not there for me.
    So I did the only thing that was fair, when I was sure that this connection, as much as I would have liked for it to develop, simply was not there, and told him. And I know it did hurt him, which I really did feel bad about, but a lot less bad than if I had dragged him along for the attempt of working on my own connectivity skills. Hence, also why I really feel for the man being introduced here in the beginning of the post, because for all that Phoenix here says the man here “calls me, checks up and tells me he loves me often (too often even)” — it is not clear to me that he does ALL of this “too often” or only a part of it; i.e. calls too often OR tells her he loves her too often, or checks up on her too often. Just like we as women most often are the ones that call or text the men of our affection or interest WAY TOO OFTEN, in the reverse situation, we immediately get why it can get to be too much and start backing away. Within a year after that yet another failed attempt to try to establish a connection with this man, I would then meet the man I ended up marrying and everything seemed wonderful at the time — until it didn’t and things started falling apart when we after 2 years of marriage and when my daughter was 10 months old he decided to leave us and give up on the commitment. Lots of different reasons for why this did not work out which is a different story all entirely, but while I initially thought we might still be able to recover the relationship and was willing to work for that, over the next two years it became increasingly clear to me that his aggressive temper was not something I could accept to live with, not for me and even less for my daughter to grow up and think that is ok — Abuse at any level, whether emotional or physical, is never acceptable, it’s never ok. And after a lifetime of dealing with this issue it has been a fascinating discovery to finally realize during the last 3-4 years that I finally HAVE learned from the lessons and finally HAVE learned to stand up for myself and start reacting before having things and/or events turn into an un-controllable disaster.

    As always in love, it is exactly in the moment when you definitively do NOT think that you will meet anyone, that love suddenly appears in front of you. It is exactly when you do NOT consider a man to even BE a candidate that someone suddenly turns up right in front of you. And in the amazing adventure that is life and love, it never fails to fascinate me how this moment can only happen when we as women manage to separate our desire from BEING in a relationship with the realization of understanding that we don’t NEED to be in a relationship. As so many times before, this happened exactly after I had gone through a prolonged period of pure life-enjoyment, a period where I had been feeling truly inspired by and optimistic about life itself and where I was very happy with everything going on in my life even WTHOUT a man in my life. A period where I was feeling incredibly good about my age (45 years today), my form (yes even with a few kilograms more than desired), my health, my double role as a career single mother and, even if I am constantly juggling a million things at the same time and still have economic challenges, I was (and am) entirely happy about where I am in life and — literally — had “tons of men” just waiting outside my doorstep inviting me out. And one of these days I again reconnected with my man from over 17 years ago, and — as we have done from time to time throughout the years – agreed to go out in the very clear understanding that we would meet “just as friends” to dance in the social club where we have always been meeting. Only THIS time around, suddenly everything had changed. Halfway through the evening I realized that my feelings toward him had changed. I realized that I had zero interest in dancing with anybody else — which really is the norm in that kind of Latino club, that you go and you dance with everybody, even if you come with a partner.

    • Ok Maja! I have now read your comments – every word.

      I like that you’ve told us your story in detail here, and not just a snippet. Thank You.

      I am very happy for you that you have found a wonderful connection with this man, and that’s what matters: you found a genuine connection. Congratulations for sticking to what you are willing to accept in a relationship and I respect the fact that you want to take great care with your relationship. You certainly have grown wise, experienced and thoughtful as time has gone by.

      Regarding your belief on one person always loving the other more in a relationship, I understand your point. I do wish to say that there are cases where this is definitely true. Yet in cases of true love, often it is not that one person loves the other less – it is possibly that that person naturally has more closure and more self-protective mechanisms. They may express their love less, and may feel their love for that person less (because they block feelings out), but deep down, their love runs just as strongly as the other.

      Regarding your thoughts that you don’t see how this man is calling Phoenix too much – it’s not whether YOU AND I see the signs that he is calling too much – my response to Phoenix was based on how PHOENIX feels about the situation. And she certainly shared that within her question.

      I wish you all the very best, and appreciate your story very much.
      – Renee.

  • Morgan

    Hi, I know I’ve already commented but I noticed something about myself and I was wondering your thoughts if you don’t mind.
    I realized that I may feel and awknowledge that a man is masculine. Yet, I won’t be attracted to him. In fact, sometimes I may even feel a bit repelled, as harsh as that may sound. I believe I am very feminine, especially after taking your quizes and also after realizing that I’m generally very attracted to masculine men. For most masculine men, I find them incredibly attractive!! But sometimes, a man will come along who is also masculine but I don’t feel an ounce of attraction.
    Is this normal? Why do you suppose it’s happening to me?

    • Hi Morgan…just because you intellectually know a man is masculine, it doesn’t mean you will feel attraction for him. 🙂

      • Morgan

        That’s all I needed to hear, as long as there isn’t something wrong or some kind of deeper issue. Thank you!! 🙂

  • Morgan

    Hi, I know I’ve already commented but I noticed something about myself and I was wondering your thoughts if you don’t mind.

    I realized that I may feel and awknowledge that a man is masculine. Yet, I won’t be attracted to him. In fact, sometimes I may even feel a bit repelled, as harsh as that may sound. I believe I am very feminine, especially after taking your quizes and also after realizing that I’m generally very attracted to masculine men. For most masculine men, I find them incredibly attractive!! But sometimes, a man will come along who is also masculine but I don’t feel an ounce of attraction.

    Is this normal? Why do you suppose it’s happening to me?

  • Sherry Thompson

    Renee: When you said:
    “You need to revisit old memories and fill that hole that is labelled ‘Attention from people’.” really hit me hard! This is a HUGE issue for me. But can you explain how to do this? When I travel down memory lane, what do I do to resolve these issues / fill that unmet need / close out the issue, etc.?? Thank you.

  • Jennifer Brownlow

    Hi

    • Hi Jennifer, are you trying to post a longer comment?

  • phoenix

    Thank you Renee. I appreciate your Response.

    • Nice to see you here, Phoenix! Thanks for asking the question. 🙂

  • Phoenix Ifeoma

    Thank You Renee. I appreciate your response and explaining so clearly

  • nena

    This is a great post from a very smart and sensitive woman 🙂
    Chemistry is the most important element in a relationship (for me) because it comes from our body so it is real!i couldn t imagine myself being with a man 24/7 without feeling the heat!
    I have my own story to submit that proves Renne is right!there was a guy after me for about 1,5 year!I let him hang around for attention and out of fear that i wont have anyone around!one day i decided to put him in test (the guy had a very badly broken nose) and told him:
    -Haven t you told me before that you wanted to fix your nose?
    -Yes of course i want to fix it
    -Tuesday i have an appointment to do my botox and it is near your working place
    -Great!we ll go together!

    He never came,he also told me that he is saving money to buy a new car and he also told a friend of mine that his nose is his charm!
    After his exposure ,he has made some other mistakes like : “i ve been giving you to drink (alkohol) but you still keep your control”,stalking on social media,befriending wierd women on social media etc…

    So,is he law value or not?Am i of even lower value that i let him in my life just for the attention or not???????

  • Maja Wallengren Spillingthebea

    Dear Rene

  • Katerina

    This was an amazing video Renee, thank you so much! I’m enrolled into your courses and love them and I find it so exciting that your “free” content is always so profound and valuable. I’m happy to consider you as one of my dearest teachers although we have never met.
    I’m experiencing a similar situation. I ended a long ambivalent relationship with a man I loved a year ago and since then I’m more consciously commited on my healing, expansion and my work. My profession is my soul expression as well. (I’m a visual artist)

    I’m not going out much at all nor looking for another man yet 6 months ago I met someone when I was out with some friends. I enjoyed his attention, I was really open, talkative and friendly with him (He is Italian and I have a love for his country so I showed my excitement) but I didn’t feel any attraction and actually politely rejected his invitation for lunch the other day as I had others things to do. For a couply of months our mutual friends were telling me now and then that that he is mentioning me everyday, asking about me , dreaming of me, saying that I look like a girl from game of thrones lol and put a poster of her on his wall but…was too shy to approach. I heard all that with some pleasure and some indifference. He finally text me and we met again.
    He was so nervous that he was shaking almost the whole time. He was sweet, he is a Physicist and seems knowledgeable in many subjects which is something I like in men but I didn’t feel any attraction or much chemistry or connection. And to be honest althought I totally I can sympathize with his “shaking” .. as a woman I found it a huge turn off. He pulled back for a while (Interesting how when we are not interested we can observe this pulling back in men without stressing about it) and then reached out again. Ever since he is “showering” me with lovey texts, and emoticons without really initiating conversations other than that. He sends me recordings of him playing piano and is being romantic. I reply in a friendly appreciative manner but I never reciprocated in a romantic way. I tried initiating other general conversation but with not much success 😂I avoided most of his calls as well as I didn’t want to lead him on. I haven’t done anything to give him any hope. His attention is flattering, he is saying things that I would be so happy to hear from a man I’m interested in but in this case I feel a bit uncomfortable as I don’t feel the same. I can feel his expectation or the fanstasy he has created around me and that makes me pull away where if he had a more moderate approach, initiating some general conversations as well I would have been more open to him. He was in Italy for the summer and coming back these days. The people around me tell me to give him a chance as he seems like a really good guy and just shy and insecure. I can tell that he might be able to give me the things I missed from my previous relationship like stability and validation but where is the attraction?? What is the Universe telling me? I feel so resistant to what I sence he is “hoping” to experience with me and even feel like I’m becoming a bit rude sometimes for my standars. The truth is after I ended my last relationship I preferred to be alone than with a man who is less than what I want and need. I’m working on becoming happy and becoming the high value woman who will attract a genuine alpha male. A strong masculine man. I’m dreaming of falling in love again… I’m not stressing much about it but I do have my down days…
    I know my comment is long but if you read it I would so much appreciate your thoughts and feedback… Renee and other women here.

    • Hey Katerina, thanks for sharing here! It is very interesting as I feel that this man’s fantasy that he has created around you is exactly a possible sign of lack of attunement.

      The rudeness you think you are showing is useful. It is there for a reason – it is there to calibrate you to the situation. I don’t think your body wants you to enter a relationship just because it can provide what you missed in the last one. So you are having these bigger (rude) responses to him than you would normally feel comfortable with – listen to them, they are telling you something.

      • Katerina

        Thank you so much for your reply Renee 🙂
        Yes… If I’m honest about how I feel it’s a No… It’s my head that says “Maybe”. Seeing how easily everyone around me is dating and having sex just to “test” it out affects my mind sometimes. And I was also thinking about the rebound concept after a breakup. But I suppose these things should feel natural the least otherwise it’s what you say about wanting to take value from others and being inauthentic.
        All my love

  • Lucia

    You are so beautiful, Renee! And you’ve got charisma for the camera. Plus wonderful content of the video. Definitely keep on doing this!

  • Anna C

    Dear Renée, beautiful video. I’m definitely loving the video blogs. (Vlogs?) I hear what you say on attunement: when a person is emotionally aware, and therefore high value, they will have the sensory acuity to know how much love and attention is comfortable to the other party, and would have gotten the vibes from the woman to tone it down. My impression from the red flag you noticed on the “checking up too often” could be indicative of a possessive personality, potentially controlling… and you know where that could lead. My intuition on this type of behavior, in this case, is that the man may be going through the motions of love, you’re right, because he’s lonely or wants sex, and he believes (probably through a prior relationship) that women like this type of lovey behavior and attention. He may be going through the motions. Or, he may truly be in love but is a little innocent on how it works and can’t tell when to pull back. There are many options and that’s what makes love exciting. You hit them all on the head in your video.

    But to the question poster, if it were me, I’d hold out for that guy who gives me butterflies and is a 10/10 on the high value scale. I’d want it all. And there are tonnes just waiting outside our doorstep.

    • Hm. I really like what you said “he may be going through the motions of love”, that’s true, and a great way to put it.
      Thanks for your comment Anna! 🙂

  • ne

    you are so beautiful !
    i couldn’t stop staring at your hair during that video!
    and about what you saying my situation is excatly the opposite😞
    i may giving up on him soon

    • Thanks so much ne! Hard for me to say much given the lack of details re your situation, however I do hope that you come to the right decision for not just this moment, but for your future confidence and health.

  • Morgan

    Hi Renee, love this article.
    I feel that my situation is a bit different, and I was wondering what your thoughts were.

    I’ve been going on dates with this guy, who is very very closed off. What I mean is he doesn’t really have any expression on his face, almost never. But he has told me through text that he has a serious crush on me. And had admitted to me that he gets scared around women and has social issues in general when I asked him about it. And I thought it was sweet of him to confess that to me, so I went on more dates with him to see if we could get to a point where we could at least build some attraction before I tried to seek connection. And I understand that men will be resistant, but I feel like our relationship doesn’t even have the opportunity for either attraction or connection because it’s like we’re just two people existing next to each other instead of with each other like I want. I have experienced resistance with men when it comes to them expressing themselves emotionally, but at the very least they would show facial expressions! Like if they thought I was doing something cute or silly, I could see in their eyes that they were admiring me. He does sense my lack of interest and has asked me about it. And I was honest with him that he seems very closed off to me. My intuition is telling me to give him up, but my issue is his inability to react to me, I’m feeling very pushed away.

    I can’t tell if he is a low value man, my first answer when I think about that is that yes he is, but I’m also jot sure if I’m judging.

    Do you think in my case it’s worth giving it a chance?

    Sorry if I’ve accidentally posted this more than once, my comment keeps disappearing.

    • Your comment only showed up once Morgan, so that’s good!

      Well from your perspective it probably seems like he is showing up Low Value, and he is from the perspective that he isn’t offering any responsiveness to you – in that sense, for a relationship, he is being low value but it doesn’t necessarily mean he is low value – we could also consider all the other things he might bring to the table….but none of those matter if you guys cannot form a connection, right?

      I can imagine that this man’s un-expressiveness isn’t too uncommon in this day and age, and his lack of facial expressions could be something that started very young – in infancy, where his caregivers were emotionally absent and caused him to shut off – or he could have experienced trauma and has learned as an older child to shut himself off from the world as a coping mechanism.

      Having said that, yes, men can be less expressive than women, but not always. Men can definitely be less easy to read emotionally. I do have a question though – does he have absent eyes? Are his eyes vacant? Some people would consider men with vacant eyes to be a serial killer, I’m joking, lol! However, whether his eyes are absent is important because if you can’t feel his soul, if there’s no depth then there will be no fulfilment in your relationship with him.

      You could try reassuring him that you are interested in getting to know him and alleviate some of his fears this way, if you want to do that. Sometimes men need your openness to inspire them to lose their fearfulness and be more open. So you could be extra expressive to inspire his expressiveness. Be a leader, in other words.

      Of course, if you come to find that he is basically a brick wall then you will naturally become more and more repelled, and you may have already felt that way about him.

      – Renee.

      • Morgan

        Haha! Scared me for a second with that serial killer thing lol!

        Thank you so much!! Yes, his eyes do seem vacant, but I’ve seen glimpses of emotion in there, it’s just been odd how quickly he goes blank again. And a few hours ago he asked me why I felt he was closed off. And even asked me what I wanted to see from him instead. I told him he felt tense to me, but that I didn’t actually know what could be happening internally for him (I could if we were both open though). But I suggested confidence. I tried to be as sensitive as possible (I didn’t want to make him feel blamed or like something was wrong with him), and told him he has every reason to be confident so he should be, and I truly believe this!! I added a smiley face too since it was over text, and told him I wouldn’t push and overwhelm him. We’ll see, one of the things I’ve always appreciated about myself is that my intuition has never failed me before, so I’ll follow that. 🙂

        Thank you so much!! I really do love learning from you, Renee. You’re so kind and I can tell you’re thoughtful with your words and the way you teach!

  • Morgan

    Hi Renee, love this article.
    I feel that my situation is a bit different, and I was wondering what your thoughts were.

    I’ve been going on dates with this guy, who is very very closed off. What I mean is he doesn’t really have any expression on his face, almost never. But he has told me through text that he has a serious crush on me. And had admitted to me that he gets scared around women and has social issues in general when I asked him about it. And I thought it was sweet of him to confess that to me, so I went on more dates with him to see if we could get to a point where we could at least build some attraction before I tried to seek connection. And I understand that men will be resistant, but I feel like our relationship doesn’t even have the opportunity for either attraction or connection because it’s like we’re just two people existing next to each other instead of with each other like I want. And I have tried to just be open instead of try to open him if that makes sense, I was hoping to inspire him to also open up. I have experienced resistance with men when it comes to them expressing themselves emotionally, but at the very least they would show facial expressions! Like if they thought I was doing something cute or silly, I could see in their eyes that they were admiring me. He does sense my lack of interest and has asked me about it. And I was honest with him that he seems very closed off to me. My intuition is telling me to give him up, but my issue is his inability to react to me, I’m feeling very pushed away.

    I can’t tell if he is a low value man, my first answer when I think about that is that yes he is, but I’m also jot sure if I’m judging.

    Do you think in my case it’s worth giving it a chance?

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