Is it wise to choose a man who is more in love with you than you are with him?

On a primal level, it benefits women to pick a man who is far more in love with her than she is with him, because that FEELS like he will stick around, and so we (and our babies) can have all his resources.

However, this is the exact thing many men hate about a relationship, and commitment to a woman. Research shows that men fall in love faster, and way harder than women do. And, research done by the well respected Anthropologist Helen Fisher, also shows that MEN are far more idealistic about love and relationships than women are. Are you surprised?

Research shows, also, that women on the other hand, are more pragmatic. More logical: “hm….is he willing to give me marriage and babies?” “is he the tallest and smartest one I can get?” “is he rich enough to get us through the 18 years of all our children’s lives?” “Is he the richest one I’ve got on my contact list?” “Is he willing to spend money on me?” “I’m in love with another man, but he is nuts and doesn’t stick around. A safer bet would be to go with the ‘cute’ one who will stick around.”

“I’m not as passionate about him as I am about Daniel, but at least he’ll stick around.”

The problem is, this makes men feel like crap. It breaks hearts, it makes them never want to commit to another woman again. If I could count the number of times I’ve heard stories about men who fell in love, and it was their first love, and they were willing to give her everything, and they DID….but then, after 5 years of marriage, they find out that she’s run off an gotten pregnant to the bad boy, I would at least be half-rich. If you’re interested to see this for yourself, start with this discussion page here.

Men need to fall in love from an evolutionary perspective, because it encourages them to shell out their resources to just one woman for the long term. If they are not in love, they are not likely at all to shell out any resources. They have sex with the women and then leave.

But if he is in love, he shells out more than just dinner and a movie. A little bit of money is easy to shell out. But falling in LOVE makes men shell out a bunch of other resources that normally feel unnatural to him – emotional resources. For a number of years.

At least the children will have a caring and involved daddy. Good for wife, and good for children.

When I was 18, my mother and her friends told me to pick a man that loves me more than I love him. I scrunched my nose up. Something didn’t feel right to me, hearing that. It felt selfish. It felt so guarded and such a miserable way to live.

Many years later, if you were to ask me: is it wise to pick a man who loves you more than you love him?

Well, my answer is, yes, and no.

Yes, if you treat relationships as a transaction. (“what is this man worth to me? What can he GIVE me?” “is he willing to have a long term relationship with me?”) Hey, many women do this.

No, if you want to live a blissfully happy, passionate and fulfilling life, where other people look at your relationship and envy you.

I choose the No.

You might be wondering why I give that reason for the ‘no’ answer.

My answer is because: it is only through YOUR emotional vulnerability to a man that YOU get to feel the full pleasure and bliss of what an intimate relationship has to offer: magnifying your emotions. And it is this way that HE gets to feel great with you too.

It can’t work long term unless you both have INTENSE emotions towards each other. After all, that’s the purpose of intimate relationship: to magnify our emotions, and make life more delicious.

Being completely vulnerable to a man, being completely in love, actually give YOU incredible pleasure, and provided he is also in love with you, you both get to grow together and develop a loving, beautiful, lasting and passionate relationship.

When you are choosing a man completely pragmatically, or logically, and not because you are truly in love – and not because you just want a RELATIONSHIP for the sake of a relationship – it’s you who eventually suffers. We don’t live only 15-30 years anymore, like our ancestors. Back then, the strategy of picking a man who loves you more than you love him worked. It got the species procreating, it allowed you access to resources that helped you and your babies live.

But, here’s the problem: We live some 60-120 years now! Now, it’s not the transaction, and what we can GET from a man that makes us giddy and happy in our relationship. Now, we want happiness. Transactions between a man and a woman aren’t designed for happiness.

We are evolving beyond this transaction thing now. At least that’s the way I would like to see the world moving. And that’s what I believe in.

To be happy in a relationship, you have to be vulnerable to a man. not logical about his WORTH to you. That takes courage, though. Because, with vulnerability also comes pain. I’m ok with that, aren’t you? Pain is a part of life. We try to avoid it like it’s the devil. Actually, it’s not: it’s a gift. Without allowing yourself to feel deep fear and pain, you cannot experience deep love and passion.

I suggest you value your long-term happiness, rather than what’s easy; and choose a man who you are obviously  in love with, and whom is also obviously in love with you. Of course, as a woman, you will always choose the best man, who has the better provider qualities, to be in a relationship with. There is nothing wrong with that, and that’s instinctive whether you like it or not. It’s there to help you.

The question is though:

why are you really choosing to commit to him long-term? Are you making the decision to commit to a man for the long term because he loves you more than you love him? And are you looking to just keep the man around, because if he loves you more, then he WILL stick around?

Because he won’t. Soon, he’ll be another male statistic that feels used by women.  He’ll get tired of desiring you more than you desire him. Being more invested in the relationship than you are. He’ll want something else.

I choose to say it is not wise, for your own long term happiness, to choose a man who is more in love with you than you are with him. I don’t want to make my values your values, too, though. So what do you think? Would you prefer to choose the man who is in love with you while you like him just ‘enough’ to be with him?

Why Heidi and Seal Grew Apart

I have always been a big fan of Heidi Klum, she’s a busy woman, always doing something, a woman with great energy and a genuine love of life.

So I am sad to see Seal and Heidi divorce; I have been inspired by their relationship in the past. It is one that has been frowned upon by jealous white men and some groups because of the racial difference – but what I always loved about them was that they looked so passionate and loving.

On ‘Growing Apart’:

On another note, they’ve said that they have had ‘the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart‘.

When it comes to relationships, the truth is that, it is rare for any long term relationship to work out – not because they cannot work out, but because people aren’t truly educated about how to make a relationship work. To make a relationship work, you have to know consciously what will make it work. You can’t just do what you’re used to doing for the last 25 years of your life.

You can’t just do what Sex and the City has taught you.

For instance. I spoke to a lady a while ago. She told me about a fight with her husband.

He said: “GOD! You are sounding JUST like your mother!”

She says:

‘Well, what do you expect me to sound like?!!”

No. It doesn’t work this way. This is her saying: “well, I have habits that I’ve gotten from my mother, and I’m set in my ways. Accept them.”

No.

If you want love, if you want lasting love and passion, subconscious bad habits are worth nothing to you.

You have to always be consciously bring MORE love, joy, sensuality, passion, attraction, and sexuality to the table.

Most of us are ruled by our subconscious 

Most of us are ruled by our subconscious, and our subconscious makes up a myriad of experiences and associations from the past. For most of us, it’s made up of the BAD experiences. And we react to an innocent current event, or a really good current situation with memories of past bad experiences.

This is the power (albeit a sometimes bad kind) of the subconscious. And it is in the subconscious mind that associations with our partner are built. And in the end, it’s inevitable that that man or woman we were so infatuated with in the beginning becomes the person we want to be apart from.

Why?

Because we are not consciously putting in the passion, the love, the playfulness and the time and the compassion to make it work.

The ONLY reason Why Seal and Heidi Grew Apart

There is only one reason why Heidi and Seal would have grown apart, at the core of it.

The only real reason two people grow apart is bad associations.

What do I mean by associations?

I mean this:

Have you ever had food poisoning?

Did you want to eat that food that ‘poisoned’ you again?

When I was 11 years old, I went to an All-You-Can-Eat restaurant for my birthday. And, you know, when you’re a kid, you compete with all the other kids at who can eat more (well, at least that’s what we did anyway).

So I got in to the pumpkin soup. I ate 5 big bowls of it. By the end I had pumkin soup all over my face.

I went home, and felt very full. I didn’t sleep well that night. I kept tossing and turning until amongst the dozens of tosses, I tossed up something unexpected – pumkin soup. All over my parents’ carpet, in the middle of the night. They were the unlucky ones who had to clean up my vomit in the morning.

Do you know how long it took me to eat ANY kind of pumpkin again? NOT just pumpkin soup. ANY kind of pumpkin.

12 years. AND – do you know the reason I ate it?

Because David’s (my fiancee’s) mum made it, and he was there with me. So it built up a WHOLE new association with pumpkin. Now, I roast pumpkin, I make pumpkin soup….I LOVE pumpkin.

But I never would have if I didn’t have an opportunity to build up positive associations with pumpkin again, through my enormous positive association with my hero, my fiancee, David.

In fact, for 12 years, just looking at pumpkin in the supermarket made me feel sour in the mouth.

And, I had to turn away. The association was that bad.

The ONE thing to focus on to make it so that your partner doesn’t want to leave you

So what am I saying?

I’m saying, the exact same human mechanism of bad associations occurs in our relationships.

I’m saying that, when it comes to intimate relationships, your associations, and your MAN’S associations matter more than anything else, in making sure your partner never leaves you.

In the first 3 months, IF you’re madly in love, and your partner is madly in love with you, and someone comes up to you and asks:

“So do you want to break up with this person?”

You would look at them incredulously and say “no! Are you crazy!?”

All because your associations are great. He’s madly in love with you, he’s bringing his best self to the table daily you are madly in love with him, you are bringing your best self to the table daily – of course your associations are great.

You are BOTH filling each other up, meeting each other’s needs at the highest level, making each other feel loved and significant and desired – the associations that are being built at this stage are all positive, beautiful associations.

But, a year down the track, and all the other parts of you and your man come out.

His plates aren’t cleaned like you expected them to be from the previous night. He said he’d clean them. So you blame him. He feels unappreciated, hurt, disrespected, or worse of all – BLAMED.

What happens?

He thinks of you = he feels blamed.

It’s not so bad if it happens once.

But, over time, these things start stacking. And blame may not be the only bad emotion he associates with you. Now it’s blame, hurt, disgust, EVERYTHING.

This is why we can still LOVE someone, but grow apart.

Now, with Seal and Heidi, I don’t know what their patterns were that lead to the breakdown.

I’ll be really daring and hazard a guess. I say that the most likely case scenario is that the bad associations were partially built up through either one or both of them not feeling like they are being put first by the other. And that was a large contributor to the bad associations.

Heidi is a busy woman, Seal is a busy man. Both of them have demanding careers. They have a life outside of their relationship, which is fantastic.

But it’s when your partner doesn’t feel the like the most significant and important person to you – when work seems to come before you – that you really start to associate them with different and worse feelings.

And what happens is this:

At the beginning, you were 0% likely to leave your partner.

After 3 years, you are 30% likely to break up with them. But you still have positive associations; enough for you both to get through.

After 5 years, you’re 60% likely to break up with them, or leave them.

After 7 years….all it takes now, is one fight.

One remark of disrespect.

And we decide it’s over.

Who want’s to be in a relationship where they associate more bad feelings than good with their lover?

Nobody.

The non significance of marriage vows

Many people in the media have been saying that they thought Heidi and Seal would last, partly because they renewed their vows every year. Well, this is why marriage vows count for nothing, when up against past bad associations. I wrote a post about it once, here.

It’s the daily conscious, compassionate and loving commitment to making each other’s associations positive, and not bad, that matters.

Leave me a comment below, I’d love to know what you are thinking. Maybe let me know your thoughts and experiences with bad associations in relationships. xox

I hate when people say that!

Why?

Because it’s what I used to say. Apparently, I thought that “trying” to practice compassion for a night with my man until I reached “the end of my rope” meant its value as a method or its value as advice had worn out. Not so.

Now I look back and think: I TRIED compassion? the very thought is laughable. And I’ll explain why…

The words “I’ve already tried that” mean one or all of the following:

1) “I don’t really want to make the change/”I don’t really want to do it”. I want the other person to “go first”.

2) I want to justify why I should NOT continue putting the effort in.

3) I’m not willing to do whatever it takes to find out what the advice, method or suggestion really means. (I’ll just take it as I mean, Thank You. I’ll assume, maybe, that compassion just means forcing myself to “TRY” to understand someone for a night. Meanwhile, I’ll be rolling my eyes and thinking my man should shut up and listen to me and give me what I want).

Here is what I learned:

Don’t lie to yourself.

There is no try.

There is only do.

And do means giving 110%. The majority of the population live in the “try” part of everything that is important in their lives; and that’s why they don’t have as great a quality of relationship, or as great a job, or as great a quality of life as the people who don’t live in the ‘try’ part. Anything worth it in life takes commitment on your part. And yes, that includes finding your dream man and maintaining a lifelong, passionate relationship.

I think we are only qualified to say I’ve tried EVERYTHING or I’ve tried that when we have not stopped and continued to give it our best EVEN WHEN we thought we had nothing left in life. Even when we are exhausted and feel misunderstood and taken for granted.

Otherwise, the word try is simply a justification for a poor effort.

And justifications don’t JUST come in the form of the word “tried” or “try”. They come in the form of “too tired”. “Too depressed”. “Too manipulated by those around me.” “Too disadvantaged”.

I think a lot of people try to short-cut in relationships, like I used to. They think that doing something for 50 seconds means they should get their desired result (whatever that may be). Truth is, results have to be earned. Not demanded.

And then what happens is we become DESERVING of what we wanted in the first place.

Kind of like this:

So, about 4 years ago, when I realized I was telling myself a bunch of lies and hurting my man and those around me – I DECIDED that I would never use the word try in my vocabulary ever again. I hesitate to say that I’ve been successful, because we all slip up, but I think I might have been pretty close.

Because my love life has never been the same again, and neither has my life in general.

No try.

Only DO.

If you don’t believe me on this “try” thing – I want to know; where are your car keys?

Why?

Because I want you to go and TRY to pick them up, wherever they are. No, I don’t want you to pick them up!! I want you to TRY to pick them up.

And let me know how that goes.

And, if there’s one principal I know works in the long run, in all areas of life, it’s this:

Demand more from yourself than you demand from others. Hoards of women out there are demanding more from men, their friends, their family, than they demand from themselves. This is called “taking”. And nobody likes a  taker. Especially in the area of human relationships.

And then, suddenly, you become deserving of all the great things in life. While other people are wondering why you are so “lucky” to have such a great relationship, or so “lucky” to have such a great job, or so “lucky” to have well-behaved children, you know, it has nothing to do with luck. (Lucky is a bit of a loaded word, I think).

And, this is the best gift you can give yourself. To demand more from yourself. It’s makes you passionate. It makes you a “great catch”. it gives you a thing called self respect. A thing called poise. A thing called grace and honor.

Worth DOING for, do you think?

What do you think of this post? Share your experience with us in the comments below. Thanks for reading! 

This is a great question from a longtime and lovely reader of mine, Masaleen:

“Hey Renee!

Hope you’re doing well. I’m still an avid fan, and you and

David become a cuter couple with every video.

My struggle is this. Recently I’ve been feeling a bit estranged from

my man because he feels I don’t understand his love of video games,

and wishes I did. I do my best not to make him feel controlled;

letting him play when he wants to, and with his friends, etc.

But having him need me to see and appreciate the “depth,” “inspiration,”

and “heart” he feels some games have is going too far for me. He even

wishes I would play a bit so that I would stop assuming he’s doing

something shallow and meaningless. Is it not enough that I leave him

alone when he’s playing and never complain afterwards? I’m not

silently seething either; I’ve come to accept his need to play.

But now I feel controlled and unappreciated, simply for not seeing

gaming the way he and his buddies do. I am NOT his buddy, I am a woman

and his lover and I have no interest in games. Is this an inadequate

way of thinking? Should I try harder to share in and understand his

hobbies, or am I wise in staying out of his masculine interests?

I feel many women struggle with men who love video games a LOT. I

don’t know if David loves gaming, but for most women I know whose

men love it, it is frequently a struggle for her in some way.

Whether you want to address me directly or answer it in a post is up

to you, but I would LOVE if you shared your insights on how women should

handle men and their love, sometimes obsession, with gaming. It can be

an extremely delicate subject for men, making them put up their

defenses easily, so it’s not easy to deal with the issue.

Thanks for your time, Renee. I really appreciate all you do. You’ve

contributed to helping Mike and I stay as strong as we are (because

don’t worry, we are still madly in love;)

~Masaleen

*******My Answer*******

Hi, lovely Masaleen!

Thanks for your email. And yes, I can relate to this.I laughed so

hard when you said he wants you to appreciate the “depth” and

“heart” that some video games have (no disrespect to men and their

love of video games, that’s just that I’m a woman and that just

sounds so hilarious to me) lol, anyway -

Years ago, David used to play video games a lot. Sometimes until

late when he had to wake up at 6am the next day for work! I feel

it was his way of escaping from a job that he felt trapped in and

that he hated. 

So -

You’ve obviously struggled with this in the past, way before you

emailed me – what I’m saying is, you’ve struggled to understand why

on earth he has to be so “involved” and distracted by video games

and can’t give you the deep love you want.

To you as a woman, most video games are not full of depth, or heart.

I understand.

You’d rather he came over to you and gave you his full presence and

loved you so deeply (instead of playing video games in that moment

anyway) you don’t know which way is up, or down.

I think intuitively, us women know that video games is just a shallow

way of expressing their masculinity and feeling successful. After all,

you have to turn the game off and go back to real life sometime soon

enough.

And We’d rather not be around him when he does it, we’d rather see him

do something more ‘constructive’. Even if our man is already successful

and constructive out in the real world, it still hurts to be around him

when he actually is playing video games instead of giving you attention.

Not to mention being asked to play WITH him.

(David used to ask me to play video games with him as well, and since

I wanted intimacy with HIM instead, it felt like my needs were being

dishonored). So I can relate.

FIRST I’ll touch on understanding him, then I’ll give you my thoughts

on what ‘steps’ to take.

Understanding Him

1) Video games are an easy way for men to feel successful. It’s kind of

like women emptying their bank accounts to buy all these clothes and

shoes and accessories and make up that they hardly ever use or wear, in

order to feel beautiful and magnify their radiance.

When in fact, the best way to magnify her radiance would be to become

a woman who radiates love from within. No amount of clothing is ever

a replacement for that.

And all the while, her man is getting all stressed out and feeling disrespected

because she’s out spending all this money rather than giving him the

love and appreciation HE wants, which would be one of the real secrets

to actually making her more beautiful to him (at least in his mind, anyway).

It’s a classic example of men wanting women to think like men and women

wanting men to think like women.

It’s no different to women trying to drag their men along shopping

with them and getting hurt when he walks off for hours or looks so

‘absent’ and dumbfounded whilst she’s shopping for stuff and wants

his opinion on what she picks up to try on (which, if you’re like me,

is usually half the entire clothing store!).

See where am I going with this?

On the one hand, he wants to feel more connected to you, because he

feels you don’t understand him on his level, so he’s trying to ‘make

you more like him’. He feels this will make you ‘understand’ him, and

develop a connection, and a ‘commonality’.

But, he’s forgetting that it’s not what you have in ‘common’ that

attracts you to each other and made you fall in love in the first

place. It’s your differences. It’s the masculine/feminine polarity.

If you start playing video games with him all the time, soon enough

he’s going to find himself repelled from you and feeling less passionate

about you.

Just as you would if you had a man who tagged along on every shopping

trip. You would like it at first, but then you’d start to see him

through a different ‘lens’. It’d feel different to you. You’d lose the attraction.

So in terms of understanding, you don’t want to take away the pleasure

he feels by playing the video games. Let him have that. It makes him

feel good, and it’s a quick way to feel successful.

If you try to take away this good feeling from him, he’ll just resent you for it. It 

won’t benefit the relationship. And, no matter how ‘immature’ his video games

habit may be, it’s not your job, as a woman to tell him what to do, and to teach

him about the consequences of his habits.

You can do it, but just be mindful of the consequences. It’ll feel good to you in the

moment, but it will also just work against you and make your relationship go

backwards.

(By the way, the more you approahc situation with understanding, in the future,

if you seriously feel like telling a man what to do, he’ll be far more open to it 

because he can already trust you as a valuable woman in his life who understands

him).

Remember in past emails how I said that masculine energy thrives on

challenge?

Well, video games provide a quick way to overcome challenges and

magnify his masculinity (in his mind), but it’s only on a very

surface level.

So, what you’re doing so far is good in that you’re not making him

WRONG for doing this.

That’s the first step. Not making him wrong. Acceptance. Otherwise

you’ll just build resent between you both.

So, here are the next steps you can take:

1) Sit with him for 10 or 15 minutes and watch him play the game.

What’s the point of this?

The point is to see him overcome an ‘opponent’. If you can even

pick up when he does that. You’ll have to look carefully.

If I ever do this, sometimes I miss his ’victory’ moments because

one: I don’t get the game and two – as a woman, I’m not really as in tune

to these kinds of things.

He just wants you to appreciate his successes (yes, they’re very

superficial), but fighting it won’t help. At least it won’t until you’ve

made him feel that you understand him, at least on some level.

And when he ‘shoots’ someone dead or whatever triumph he overcomes,

just say somthing like ‘woah….that was cool….’ or ‘well done’.

It will make him feel appreciated and understood.

Because his own woman is recognizing his ‘victories’ (however fake

they are!)

And don’t sit there for hours doing it. You don’t want to dishonor

your own needs as a woman. That’s not good for either of you. It

also does nothing for the growth of the relationship.

After the 15 minutes or so are up (don’t obsessively time this, you

want to be GENUINE about it. And really put yourself in his shoes.)

Then get up and say, ‘you know what, I’m going to read a book’,

or ‘I’m going to call a girlfriend now’, cause I’m feeling a bit

lonely.

If he tries to get you to stay, you don’t have to. Honor your own

need for intimacy.

Here’s your second option:

2) the second option I have for you is more playful (or you can use

both steps I’ve given you). Here’s what I would do if it was ME.

When he says ‘come play with me, you’ll appreciate the depth and the

heart of the game!’

I’d do what I do very often when these high tension situations pop

up – I’d turn around and be playful, and maybe even literally poke

him with my fingers, and and say:

“oh yeah!? come shopping with me and my girlfriends for the day!

We can buy some pretty dresses and look a wide array of soaps oh

and maybe even shoes!

You’ll see just how pretty and DETAILED all the clothes are! I

can even SHOW you! Sometimes they add lace detail AND florals and

buttons AND silk on to the ONE cardigan!”

And I’d do this just to break his pattern and make him go ‘huh?’

no thanks….lol.

It just changes his state, it gives his brain a ‘jiggle’ in a fun

way, and it breaks the pattern of him trying to get you to do guy

things with him, and is ‘gets the ball rolling’ toward him starting

to understand more of where you’re coming from, because you’re

actively implying, in a playful way, that if you were to ask him to

do girly things, it would repel him, too.

It kindly reminds him of your differences. And that you shouldn’t

force each other to be the same. Without you having to go and literally

TELL him:

“look. We’re not the same. This is the wrong way to go about

it.’ which will just make him resent you for telling him what to do.

And make sure it’s done in a playful way.

If you can’t do it without feeling resentful inside, don’t even

bother (I know you wouldn’t Masaleen, I just had to put this in so

other women would know).

The key is to get on his level, and establish some connection in

a way that actually also helps you also escalate the attraction in

the relationship.

Because these two things (connection and attraction) are often in

contradiction.

The more connection or ‘commonalities’ you have, the less attraction

you’ll have.

So it’s like a constant (but fun) balancing act when you get in to

a relationship with a man.

The more the balance tips towards attraction and passion, the more

you’ll have attraction, but perhaps the more fights you’ll have

because you’re so different.

So that’s all I have to say about that. Let me know how you go

with my tips.

Lots of love,

Renee.

P.S – please leave ANY tips you have of dealing with a man who is obsessed with video games.

Also leave any stories or experiences you’ve had with men who are obsessed with video games. Thank You!

“What are people thinking of me?”

“What if they don’t like me?”

“Should I have worn that? Was it not appropriate?”

“What if these men don’t find me attractive?”

“Did I screw everything up?”

“I feel so awful about the way I acted.”

“What if they all turn against me?”

“What if he doesn’t like me?”

“WHY doesn’t he like me?”

“What do they really think about me?? How could I find out?”

Women are good at this. In fact, I’ve never known a woman who hasn’t been good at this. But, being good at something that is bad for you is rarely actually good for you. Even though you might think it is.

Women worry themselves sick, and (literally make themselves physically sick) worrying what others might think of them and putting themselves through guilt for things that aren’t even their fault. And with facebook and twitter and our lives becoming so public these days, a lot of people are having trouble overcoming social anxiety.

This is what happens when you go EXTERNALLY to look for away to feel sure of yourself. It’s an external answer to an internal problem. And it’s not even a good answer.

Here’s the thing: we all want to be loved.

The only problem is that, in trying to get that love, we try to be like everyone else. We’re afraid that if we do this or that, they’ll judge us, and think poorly of us. So we try to please. Isn’t that the way it is?

In order to get the love of our peers, we try to blend in, in order to avoid standing out.

If we stand out, they might judge us. If we stand out, if we express what we think – if we don’t wear any make up when they wear a whole Revlon counter – if they don’t like our new boyfriend – we might die. Socially.

Or so you seduce yourself in to thinking.

And then we go home and wonder why we feel miserable. Why we have trouble falling asleep. Why we’re so scared to approach or meet NEW friends, or new people.

It’s because we’re not being ourselves. It’s as if we need permission to be.

We don’t.

As far as I see it, you either be yourself (be authentic), or you fit in. Most people fit in.

What do you choose?

If you choose to be yourself, good. Keep reading. If you choose to fit in, this isn’t a place for you.

Here’s how to stop worrying what others think of you…

There is only one way to truly stop obsessing over what other people think of you. I was shown exactly how by my man David; both through example, and through discussion. And I feel forever indebted to him for this lesson.

The only way is to know for SURE, within yourself, WHY you do what you do.

This could mean: knowing what you stand for or knowing your own true intentions.

In other words: you can NEVER go OUTWARDS to look for a way (for YOU) to accept your very own self. And expect to feel better.

You can never look outwards, to others, for acceptance. This habit destroys us. It’d paralyzing. How can you do anything? Or take any action, if you fear what others might think of that action?

It’s never about what you DO (people confuse being judged for what they DO with their true INTENTIONS)

That’s why it’s never about what you do; i’s about your intentions. And if you know for sure your own good intentions; then there’s nothing to worry about.

An example: In recent years, like most people, I’ve been invited to events or parties, and on one occasion, I was invited by the host – but when I arrived there, I was not even greeted, ignored when I approached the host to greet them, and left feeling somewhat dumbfounded, wondering: ‘why didn’t they talk to me? What’s going on? Why the hell did they invite me anyway? What did I do? Did I do something? I can’t believe I wasted my time!’

And drove myself crazy thinking about it – until I learned this strategy on how to STOP.

So?

The only solution was to KNOW, deep in my heart, my own true intentions; and that I have good intentions. Regardless of what others think.

This is kind of like a longer version of the term “know thyself”.

Judgments are cheap (they’re everywhere)

See, judgments are cheap. Because people are doing it all the time. There’s no shortage of judgments. It’s the easiest thing for a human to do; pass judgments. And  they’ll never stop. You could be a Mother Teresa and people will still make up stuff about you and your intentions. You cannot escape judgments. Even you make judgments. We all do.

Would you pay$10,000 to get punched in the face by someone who doesn’t care about you?

No?

Oh, really?

Well then, don’t pay the exact same price in your health (stress, tension in your body, anxiety, worry, which can make you very sick) over what some people who don’t even care about you are thinking of you, and what judgments they are making of you.

Here’s the exception… 

On the other hand – if you struggle socially and worry about what people are thinking of you – and you ARE in fact deliberately out to try to feel good about yourself by making OTHER people feel bad – then you might deserve to be rejected socially. And you might worry, but that still wouldn’t really serve you.

Instead – CHANGE. Start having good intentions.

Anything that is done from a place where you want to TAKE from other people’s lives is a bad intention.  

But if you are merely just BEING YOU – and you are not out to hurt people, or make them feel like they are ‘less’ than you, make them feel guilty or hurt, and if you’re not out to destroy anything – then what do you have to fear?

It’s your responsibility to remember your own intentions, and take confidence and certainty in that at times when you really fear what other people are thinking of you.

But here’s the key: only YOU know your true intentions. You could have totally good intentions, and a man doesn’t want to date you, or people don’t want to socialize with you because they’re unsure of you, they’re unsure of themselves, or just because they were taught by their aunt Betty that they should stay away from people who wear pink t-shirts, or because it’s too far out of their comfort zone, or because they feel they have nothing to add to your life. Yes, it’s true!

If you go and have a conversation with someone, and try to connect with them and end up sounding really weird – and what you have to say doesn’t resonate with them; should you deserve to feel bad? Do you deserve to put yourself through that worry and that stress over what you could have done better to get them to LIKE you?

No!

All you can do is keep moving forward, keep growing, and keep knowing yourself.

Just a reminder: remember, this is NOT about coming across as, or BEING the ‘nicest’ person! (because this is again focusing on the action). You could also have great intentions and your actions are perceived as mean. That’s totally fine. After all, people who are nice all the time are boring as hell.

Focus on what you CAN control rather than on what you cannot control

Some of the world’s most well-meaning leaders and philanthropists have a trail of people judging them and thinking poorly of them.

People will think what they think. You can’t control that.

Better to focus on what you CAN control, versus what you CAN’T control. And what you can control is your own focus and intentions.

So here is your exercise: every time you notice yourself worrying what others are thinking of you, ask yourself this question:

“Am I coming from a good place in my heart?”

And if you answered ‘no’, then it’s time to correct your intention.

Question: What would you classify as a good intention and a bad intention? The more examples the better. Share with us below. I’m looking forward to hearing from you!

Learn how you may be ruining your chances of finding the right man for you

You’re single and attracting a man who wants a committed, loving relationship with you seems impossible.

If you have not had a boyfriend in a year or more, or if you keep ending up in relationships where the man goes hot and cold, and the women around you are getting their happy endings, it can seriously make you think, can’t it?

It’s easy to start worrying -

What if you’re not enough?

What if you don’t have the qualities to keep a man interested?

What if…..(touch wood) you’ll never find a man who wants the same things as you do?

Well, none of these things are true.

It’s not that you are not enough, it’s not that you do not have the qualities to keep a man interested, and it is CERTAINLY not that you will never find a man who wants the same things you do.

This may piss you off, but there are men out there waiting to devote themselves to you.

Most men are not stupid and unwilling to commit as many women like to make out that they are. In fact, men actually DO want to commit and have a relationship with you.

It’s just that they need YOUR help.

They need you to help YOURSELF.

They need YOU to become the kind of woman that is easy to want a relationship with, because he feels COMPELLED to take care of you and love you forever.

Here is the bad news about meeting the right man for you:

If you have not met anybody who is ‘right’ in a while, and you feel down about it, the likelihood is that you will not ever meet a man and have your ideal happy ending.

Instead – what will happen is you will probably ‘settle’ for someone who seems ‘good enough’ because inside you are starving for love and for intimacy and feel willing to settle for any man that seems like he might provide the intimacy and security that you want, even if he is the wrong man for you.

How do I know this?

It’s simple.

I know this because research has shown over and over that most people have the same thoughts they did yesterday, and most people have the same thoughts they had last week, and most people have the same thoughts they had last month, last year….

In other words, most people never change.

And this applies to how you think (your mindset) towards your relationships and men as well.

As Einstein once said: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

Even a simple change in mindset could lead you 50% closer to meeting the right ‘HIM’.

So the bad news is that if you don’t know WHY you are not attracting the right one for you – and you don’t know how to make the changes within YOURSELF to be able to attract the right man for you – you never will attract the right man for you.

And I really want you to attract the right man for you – because I know it is possible, and because I know that life being single is lots of fun at times – but you never get the beauty and the sense of aliveness and the JUICE in your life when you’re single that you can get from opening yourself to an intimate relationship with a man.

The common reasons why Single Women Haven’t been able to find the Right Man

There are only a few MAIN reasons why any woman has NOT found and met the right man for her yet.

And I’m about to give you these reasons.

I have noticed and found repetitive, common patterns that routinely STOP a woman from finding and having a committed relationship with her’one’.

No matter HOW ‘complex’ the situation is – no matter how many justifications you have – there are only a few main reasons why the right one is not currently in your life.

And the change has to start with YOU.

One of the best ways to find the right man for you is to gain AWARENESS

And here is the GOOD news:

Once you have the gift of AWARENESS of why you have not yet found the right one for you, you could step out and find him faster than you ever imagined.

The good news is that the change doesn’t have to mean a lot of EFFORT. EFFORT is useless to you.

You could effortfully bang your face against a brick wall 30 times and that’d be really cool but you’d still end up with a bruised and battered face afterwards.

Even though you put a lot of EFFORT in to it!

What you need is a willingness to truly love a man and the awareness to know that entering a relationship always means you will experience pain – and being ok with it.

This doesn’t mean you should expect him to cheat on you - and it doesn’t mean you should expect to end up curled up on the floor in the bathroom crying your eyes out over a man.

Not at all!

It just means that being in a close relationship with another human being is a risk any day of the week.

Everyone has been hurt and experiences pain in an intimate relationship before.

It’s the thinking that we should NOT feel pain that makes us miserable beyond words.

Pain is a part of life and pain is a part of having a relationship.

So if you want to avoid being alone for the rest of your life, and instead experience the joy and the ecstacy that comes with having a funny, handsome, intelligent man who is right for you and who will be there for you always – no questions asked, and love you so deeply that he can’t even IMAGINE being with someone else, it’s possible, and to get it you need to read these reasons:

3 Reasons why you have not met the right one yet:

1) You actually want to be alone.

You may not THINK you actually want to be alone, because you keep wanting that special someone in your life; but you actually do.

I put this reason first because it is common. You may LOGICALLY want a relationship, and logically want to find the right man, but beyond what your logical mind says – you’re actually more interested in living life alone, because it’s easier that way.

Yes, I said it’s easier that way.

You actually perceive that being ALONE, and being ‘independent’ meets your needs far more than being in a relationship ever would,
so in actual fact, you’d never really give up your need to be alone.

So many women want a relationship, but they’re so scared that if they get involved with a man and truly love a man, that ALL their fears will surface, and they’ll have to deal with not only their OWN fears, but the fears and desires and the NEEDS of a man.

When you’re alone, you don’t have to OPEN yourself.

You can do whatever you want, whenever you want!

You don’t have to be VULNERABLE.

And the trouble is, vulnerability is one of the primary things men want from you.

They need to see your vulnerability in order to enter in to a relationship with you.

Your femininity and your vulnerability moves a man far beyond what a good ‘behind’ or a nice pair of legs does for him.

So what we really have here is a contradiction.

You want a relationship and to find the right one, yet -

You are actually stopping yourself from having it.

Your LOGICAL mind says you want a relationship, but as a human being, you’re still an animal in most respects, so you are not driven by your logical mind!

You’re driven by something else – moreso your subconscious perceptions about what being in a relationship with the right man would mean to you.

And what is in your subconscious often comes from past hurts with other men, or even male members of your own family.

So, you might very well start to get involved with a man, but as soon as he does something that pushes your hot buttons and makes you squirm, and makes you feel insecure, you’re no longer focusing on how much love you have inside of you that you have to GIVE - which would give you confidence.

He does something that upsets you, so you start to focus on how he’s going to leave you or get sick of you or break up with you over qualities that you lack.

And of course, a man feels this, so the relationship starts to die after 3-5 months because it’s not blossiming as a relationship should, in actual fact, the relationship is falling victim to your fears and HIS fears.

As soon as he does something that triggers a fear inside of you - you do something that scares him and pushes him away.

This kind of pattern happens a lot in life. It happens with people who have insomnia, it happens with people who are trying to lose weight, it happens to people who are trying to be outrageously successful at something in life.

We SAY we want something, but our subconscious mind drives us to do things that sabotage the very thing we want.

It’s a contradiction.

Somebody wants to be successful, but inside, they’re really afraid of losing the love of the people around them when they become successful.

Somebody says they want a relationship – but they don’t want to be vulnerable.

Somebody says they want a relationship, but they are not willing to commit to anything.

So how can you change this?

Here is a step to change your own contradictions so you don’t sabotage your own path to finding the right one:

YOUR ACTION STEP:

Every time you are dating a man and find yourself acting our of fear and sabotaging the relationship, bring the focus back to feeling confident.

Take a moment to think about all the things the moments that you have felt proud and confident, and safe.

Think about being with someone you love.

You have to consciously focus on the things that are going to benefit you and ALLOW you to effortlessly find the right one for you.

But don’t make this mistake:

Don’t focus on this:

“I want a relationship.”

“I need a relationship”

“Why don’t I have a man yet?”

“Why have I been single for so long”

These won’t help you be in the right emotional state to find and meet the right one. They’ll just take you around and around in circles.

As soon as you find yourself focusing on these things, bring the focus BACK to happy moments from your past, moments where you’re felt proud of yourself.

Even moments where you were in love.

2) The SECOND reason you haven’t found the right one yet is because:

You don’t really know how to Attract the Right one for You.

Have you ever felt that you keep attracting the wrong kinds of men?

Have you ever felt like you have the ability to attract men to you, but the ones who want you are the ones YOU aren’t really interested in having a relationship with?

Perhaps you find you end up with the bad boys who aren’t really relationship material?

Maybe you want a commitment but you keep attracting men who don’t want to commit to you?

And this keep happening again and again?

Have you ever heard of the law of attraction?

Do you believe in it?

A lot of people recommend that you use the law of attraction to get your ideal mate/life partner.

The Law of Attraction basically says that you attract in your life whatever you think about.

So many dating experts say you should get clear on what kind of man you want and list down all the qualities he must have.

And this is great – a lot of women have lists of what they want in their ideal man – but there is one HUGE mistake people make when they go to work out what kind of partner the want, and this mistake COSTS you the very thing you want – that wonderful man you want in your life.

People don’t realise that you cannot JUST focus on the qualities you want in the OTHER person – you have to know AND focus on what kind of woman that kind of man would want in order to attract him!

And this brings YOU happiness, which is the most important thing.

Because, you get to grow and make progress in the meantime instead of just being busy all the time eliminating men because they’re
apparently not your type.

So you go and think about what YOU want in a man, and you’re very CLEAR on how HE has to be – but you have not EVER thought about the kind of person YOU would have to be to attract the kind of man you want in to your life.

If you want an exciting man who you are attracted to and who ALSO makes you feel secure; you can’t attract him if you’re a pleaser.

If you want an honest man of integrity who won’t cheat on you; you cannot attract him if you are not honest with yourself about your true feelings; and trying to cover them up. You’re not even being honest or authentic either.

If you want a man who is generous and giving but you are not willing to give unless he gives to you first – he’s not going to show up in your life.

So here’s what you need to do right now to attract that intelligent, handsome, and loving man in to your life:

1) on one piece of paper, write down ALL the qualities you ideally want in your dream man.

Include everything from what he looks like to what kind of meal he’d like to have with you together on a Saturday night in to what his ideal Sunday morning activity would be.

2) And then on ANOTHER piece of paper, write down all the qualities you would need to become the kind of person whom your dream man would want.

And then each day, you need to focus on this man that you want, and go to work on yourself to become that kind of woman your dream man actually wants.

3) The THIRD reason you have not found the right one yet is because you are not consciously aware of what really draws men to you, so you are not meeting and attracting enough quality men, or drawing enough men in to your world so that you have more good men to choose from.

When you know how to draw men to you through your femininity, you get far closer to Mr. Right because you have more men around you who are interested.

Most women focus intently on looking their best or making themselves look prettier, and they think that this will give them a better chance at attracting a high quality man.

Whilst it is true that looking your best gives you advantages, what you really need is more conscious AWARENESS of what really, actually works. Even better if it is PROVEN to work to attract men.

Firstly, if you want to attract your right man (or any man) faster, and waste no more precious time, you need to get the insight on the
17 Attraction Triggers.

These 17 attraction triggers are proven to work to draw men’s attention to you.

In my program ’17 Instant Triggers that guarantee to get any man’s blood boiling uncontrollably’, I show you how to easily use the most
primal triggers to create attraction with men.

And when you sign up to the 17 Attraction Triggers program, you also get the first month of my program Attraction Control Monthly for free. Check it out here.

In that first volume o our monthly program Attraction Control, we teach not only the most BASIC triggers of attraction, but how attraction with a man really works.

I give you a behind the scenes look at how attraction between a man and a woman begins AND how it can be maintained in a long-term
relationship.

Most of us just do what we automatically ‘think’ is the right thing to do with a man, and we float along aimlessly, never getting the insight that we consciously NEED in order to build a successful relationship with the man we want.

And when something goes wrong, and he pulls away or loses attraction for us, and we don’t know why. So we just fret. And that always damages things because when we act from fear, we sabotage the very thing we are wanting to fix.

Here’s an interesting statistic: 80% of long-term relationships and marriages fail.

There’s a reason for this: us humans were not originally built to be lasting relationships.

We aren’t born with the knowledge on how to maintain a relationship with the opposite sex. Like most things, we need to learn what makes it work.

And of course, as you already know, nobody gives us this knowledge. We get taught math, science, writing, literature, sports, languages - everything but what WORKS in relationships.

We need to get insight in to what makes a relationship both loving AND passionate for as long as we want the relationship to last.

We need insight in to how to actually attract a man. That’s insight that I’ve aimed to give you in this article here, and if you want to take it further and learn more, check out the 17 triggers and Attraction Control Monthly.

How you sabotage your own chances of making a relationship work with a man

See, us humans don’t just come with a HUMAN brain. We come with three different brains, and the one that makes us SURVIVE is the very same brain that makes it difficult for us to maintain a long-term relationship!

This survival brain (called the lizard brain by some psychologists) controls us far more than we think.

And if we don’t keep it in check, we ALWAYS do things that sabotage our own plans with a relationship, or even work, family, our bodies
and our health.

A good and quick example of how this lizard brain takes hold of us more than we think is people who are trying to lose weight.

They might do a little bit of exercise or go on some crazy diet, but then…somehow justify to themselves – “ok just one more doughnut”.

Have you ever done something like this?

Maybe you planned to do something that you KNEW was good for your life, like catch up with that friend, like finish reading that great book that would teach you something you need to know, or maybe you’ve told yourself you would STOP doing something bad that you’ve gotten in to a habit of doing, and yet -

you STILL DIDN’T STOP?

This is exactly the same mechanism that stops us from having the man we want and having and keeping the RELATIONSHIP we want.

This is why I say we must get conscious AWARENESS of what we are doing to attract the right man, and keep that same right man – and be his goddess forever.

Floating around, not knowing how to manage OURSELVES or our ability to attract the right man has its bad consequences.

There’s one HUGE proble with floating around like this:

You only have so much time. You only have one life.

And you can’t spend it not educating yourself and getting insight to what works with men, and what will help you get in to that beautiful, loving relationship that you want.

I believe we owe it to ourselves to get understanding and even MORESO we owe it to ourselves to TAKE ACTION.

What to do RIGHT NOW to bring Mr. Right in to your Life:

So, right now, if you still haven’t found your Mr. Right. Here is what I want you to do.

Close your eyes.

Imagine him. Imagine him…what he looks like, how he stands, how he smiles, how he talks….imagine what he values. Imagine his personality.

Feel inside yourself how nice it would feel to have this wonderful man in your life, who just takes your life to the NEXT LEVEL.

And then ask yourself this question:

“Where is this man?”

“Where does he spend his Saturday afternoons?”

“What are his passions?”

“What does he do for fun?”

Imagine where he is, and TAKE ACTION NOW, and GO where he would be.

If he is a spiritual kind of guy, go to a self development seminar.

If your Mr. Right loves football, go to a football game with a girlfriend (or a guy friend!).

And even if you DON’T get a conversation started with a man at the place you think your Mr. Right might hang out – at least you get to observe what this kind of man is like. You get to observe the football loving kind of man, for example.

Every Time you don’t get Asked out is a Chance to Learn

Let me just say one last thing: it does not matter whether you DO go out and a man DOESN’T ask for your number.

Why?

Because EVERY TIME you go out; every time you step outside of your comfort zone to do something, you take home a beautiful gift: you get to learn.

You get the gift of learning.

And you’ll be surprised how far this learning will take you on your road to finding Mr. Right.

The Blessing in Disguise:

Most women go out a few times, notice that men are interested, and then complain that men don’t approach them. However, every time this happens, you learn something! Things don’t always happen immediately. Sometimes, the universe wants you to learn a little more or pay a little more attention, and just TAKE MORE ACTION.

And the more action you take, the more deserving you become of the RIGHT man for you.

The LESS likely you’ll end up with Mr. Near Enough is Good Enough.

Or Mr. Down Right Wrong.

And, if you want to make things quicker and easier for yourself, and if you want insight in to drawing men in to your life – join us and learn the 17 Attraction Triggers.

At that ridiculously low price, you’ll get far more insight in return that you spend.

So if you want more, if you want to take your knowledge to the next level, come on over here.

By the way – leave a comment below and share with us your story about finding the right man, and why YOU think most women have trouble finding Mr. Right. I’m curious to know what you think, I want to know what you think would help women get closer to finding their Mr. Right. 

Don't let a man pulling away throw you turn you in to an emotional wreck

Men withdraw from the relationship; they pull away. It’s what happens.

Women do it sometimes, too – but with men; usually, they are only either going deeper in to the relationship with you; or they’re moving away; to do things that make them feel like men.

And, when he pulls away; to you – it hurts. You get angry. Sad. You feel unloved.

So, why do men pull away in relationships and what to do when men pull away?

What is intuitive to a man in a relationship is not what is intuitive to a woman

The problem here is that men and women are hardwired completely differently. As women, we tend to think, value and believe certain things that are different to what a man would tend to think, value and believe.

See, what’s intuitive to us women, can be completely foreign to men. I was speaking to my fiancee David the other week, and he brought something up that was like an absolute “Ah-HAH” or a breakthrough for him, but to me as a woman, that breakthrough that he had was …almost commonsense. It was something that was obviously intuitive for me, but it wasn’t for him.

I was all like ‘have you been living under a rock?’ and he was like: ‘huh?’

Yet, if I was to go to my girlfriends and bring that particular thing up; they’d get it. in a heartbeat.

And the reverse is also true, what is intuitive to a man, can be completely foreign to us as women.

How to get a man to commit more of his time, attention and exclusivity and marriage

So if you want a man to commit more of his time, presence, attention and love, or even exclusivity and marriage, then make sure you tune in to the knowledge and action steps I’m about to give you.

If you don’t learn the concepts and ideas that I will share with you, then your man may just take you for granted even more, you won’t feel very special in your relationship if you have one, and you’ll really struggle to get his attention.

I know that most of us women have wondered: ‘why does a man withdraw?!’

‘Why does he just seem to disappear like that?!’

‘Why hasn’t he called for so long?’

‘What, am I invisible now?’

‘What’s going on?’

‘Is it me? Is it my body? Have I done something to upset him?’

And most women have struggled with this problem. In fact, it’s most likely ALL women. And it seems like a phenomenon that is impossible to understand, and it may be causing you a lot of suffering, but here’s the key:

It doesn’t have to.

A man withdrawing from the relationship doesn’t have to cause you suffering.

From my experience working with women, I have discovered that most women really fail to have the deep connection, passion and love they really want with their man because of the lack of understanding about why men withdraw, and the meaning they give it when their man withdraws.

But all of your problems really come from a lack of understanding of men.

So today, I’m going to give you the understanding to be able to deal with a man withdrawing. If you don’t understand it, and you DON’T know how to deal with it, it could lead to your man withdrawing even more, it could lead to your man resenting you, and of course, in the worst case scenario, it could lead to break up or divorce.
If you know how to deal with it, your relationship will run much more smoothly for you, and even better – you’ll be able to inspire your man to commit even more of his attention and time to you. You’ll be able to achieve true happiness in your relationship, and have your man adore you at a level most women only dream of.

So, why do men pull away from the relationship?

To help you understand why, let me ask you a few questions:

How would you feel if you were around a man who was highly emotional? For example: he was able to cry at the drop of a hat, and feel all “lovey-dovey” with you almost every day? He is so emotional that he melts like butter. Imagine him being incredibly relaxed and wanting to talk and connect with you all the time.

How would you feel around a man like this?

You may think ‘oh my goodness – I would LOVE if my man would do this!’

Yes, you may – for a couple of days at best. But eventually, whether you like it or not – you would start to feel a little uneasy, a little uncomfortable, and you’ll start to lose attraction for him. And sometimes you may even be a bit confused or disgusted by him.

You don’t want a man who’s more emotional than you, now do you?

He’s Not a Woman

Why do you think you lose attraction for him?

It’s because you no longer feel polarized by him…

It’s because you won’t be feeling his masculine energy. So as a result, you may feel like you’re in a relationship with one of your girlfriends! You don’t want your man to be like one of your girlfriends!

In fact, the reason you were attracted to a man in the first place was largely to do with the masculine energy he gave out. His presence, his strength, intelligence, his sense of humor, his potential to be a good provider, etc….this is all happening naturally, sometimes without you being aware of it.

What we women really want deep down is to be in a relationship with a MAN – but because of the society we live in – none of us are taught how to understand the opposite sex! We want to be in a relationship with a man, but when a man acts differently than we do, we get all hurt, confused and worried.

But here’s the truth of why men withdraw: It’s because they want to feel like, and be a man.

How interesting!

When a man is engaged with you emotionally, he may truly enjoy it and see it as a beautiful gift, but after some time (usually a shorter period than us women would like), he has to withdraw back in to his own space.

The reason men seem to pull away is because the emotional attachment feels like a burden to them. At least when that attachment is consuming energy that he could otherwise put towards his purpose and his mission or to feeling the freedom that makes him feel like a man.

By all means – most men are happy to be in a loved-up world with us for a time, but they have to get out of it also, in order to accomplish their mission.

A lot of women assume that men feel the same kind of feelings that we do – men do have emotions too of course, and they feel emotions in the same intensity as women, but they don’t feel them in the same exact way that we do.

Us women drawing men in to the world of emotionality can sometimes cause them to feel like they’re losing their freedom, making a man unable to work, to focus, and to experience his masculine energy.

As women, we are used to the chaos that is life – we have emotional roller-coasters, mood swings, and we get down or overly happy for periods of time.

This kind of emotionality, I mean the kind of emotions that us women feel on a day-today basis just feel very unnatural to a man.

The science behind why a Man Withdraws…

In fact there’s a lot of research and a lot of scientific evidence behind this idea that when men get too attached, they feel uncomfortable and uneasy.

You see as men bond with women, this increases a hormone called Oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone that lowers a woman’s stress levels, but in men, it actually has the effect of lowering his testosterone, which can actually RAISE his stress levels. So, too much bonding causes men to start feeling uncomfortable.

Think about when you’re in a relationship and you feel kind of suffocated…That’s the stress levels going up from too much closeness.
This too much closeness happens much sooner for men than for women when it comes to emotional bonding.

What happens is, as men get closer, things are going well, the Oxytocin levels go up, they start bonding…. Then men will to tend to want to pull away in order to rebuild their testosterone levels.

At that point this creates a lot of confusion for women, where they often will say things like, “why are you pulling away? Why didn’t you call? What’s going on?”

“Do you not LOVE me anymore?”

What men really want from you

See what men want to experience most is freedom. Often, if a man is telling you that he’s not ready to commit, what he’s really saying is that he’s afraid of being drawn in to you – he’s attracted by you – but he feels like it’s going to put restraints on his freedom or make him feel like he’s not able to have his own life.

So, with this understanding now, I want you to go away, and the next time you feel him withdrawing, just stop. Instead of feeling like his withdrawal from you is something to fear, think of his need for freedom as a gift to you. Because he is being a man. And that is one of the reasons you were attracted to him in the first place.

It’s time you realized (as counter-intuitive as it is to us women) that a man’s need for freedom is only a threat to us IF we don’t WANT him to have his freedom.
The more you fear his need for freedom, the more I want you to remember that this is your chance to bring you and your man closer, to make your man more attracted to you, and more committed to you.

Next time he withdraws, here’s what you can do.

1)       Leave him alone. Let him be. Don’t question him. However, before you do this, I want you to remember that the point is not to just leave him and let him be. The point is to give him his freedom whilst still loving him and being open to him. He still needs your care and love, but give him the space of being a man. After all you wouldn’t like it very much if he wasn’t much of a man!

2)      And when he does comes back to the relationship, receive him openly with love. This doesn’t make you’re a loser, it doesn’t make you’re a woman who is being used by her man. It means you care about him enough to give him his freedom, and at the same time, not withdraw your love.

Disclaimer: receiving a man openly with love doesn’t mean you have to pretend to be happy or pretend that you are NOT hurt. It just means that you aren’t ‘closed off’ to him, punishing him for his pulling away. You can tell him you feel hurt, and this could still be loving him because you are open to him.

On the other hand – there are men who are simply selfish. Most men, when they are in a relationship, DO care – they just don’t understand how their actions hurt YOU. And if you simply PUNISH him rather than at least remain open to him; he’s not going to get the “hint” even thought you’re trying to give him the hint.

So, whether a man is selfish or simply being a male is a whole other topic, which is perhaps for a separate article in itself.

3)      Part 2 (above) is going to prove to be the hardest of all. It’s not in a woman’s DNA to form a connection and then go empty from that connection for days…..we tend to feel hurt, mistrustful and insecure.

So IF step 2 is stressing you out, remember this important step (no.3). ask yourself:

“do I really want to be in a relationship with another woman? Or do I want to be in a relationship with a MAN?”

Because as much as him withdrawing drives you crazy – he simply doesn’t feel and interpret the withdrawal the way YOU do. To him, he’s just doing his thing. It’s no different than him grabbing a drink of water when he’s thirsty. And would you stop loving him if he was to grab a drink of water? I think not.

So when he withdraws, and then comes back, and you act all snooty and withdraw your love, he’ll be thinking: ‘what?! What have I done?! I did nothing!’ – and it’s not because he doesn’t care. It’s because he’s a man. And what’s intuitive to him is not what’s intuitive to you as a woman. Remember that.

Disclaimer:

Most women out there simply don’t give freedom to their men.

In fact, not only that, most women don’t understand what mistakes the are making on a daily basis that are actually pushing a man further and further away.

Look, here’s the thing. If you want your man to fully commit his attention and time to you, whether that’s in the form of love, time presence, resources or even exclusivity and marriage, you must help him feel like a man rather than constantly stripping that feeling and freedom away from him.

You see, once a man has the gift of feeling like a man, then he’s going to truly come back to the relationship stronger with more to offer you.

And if you want to get more of an understanding of men and inspire him to commit fully to you, everything is in my Commitment Control Course:

http://commitment-control.com/

Alright, please leave a comment below and share with us your personal experiences and what you’ve learned.

Don't let your lack of confidence kill your relationship with a man

I know sometimes relationships and dating with men is scary.

In your career, you have so much more control, and with friends, if something doesn’t go right – you will eventually find more friends.

But in an intimate relationship with a man, rejection can feel like death. In an intimate relationship with a man, if you open yourself up, he could leave or take advantage of you. At least it feels that way sometimes, doesn’t it?

That’s because as humans we are wired to seek out a mate – to pass on our genes, and to have our children be taken care of, and so we get SO invested when we love or are in love with someone. To lose it feels like you might as well die, at times.

Rejection – though we don’t want to think about it consciously, is another reminder that we may not pass on our genes. At least it is to our subconscious mind. And it’s another reminder that we might not get to experience that thing that we all want: LOVE.

Confidence is critical to your success with men and in a relationship

This is why confidence is crucial to your happiness and security in a relationship.

I hear from far too many women that they aren’t confident in their love life – or that they just cannot find confidence when it comes to men.

What could be worse?

Honestly, that feeling that you’re not enough, that feeling that no matter what you do, it’s never enough?

And I don’t believe you deserve to feel NOT confident, so I’m going to give you tips to build the confidence you need to have with a man.

If you take what I’m about to teach you about HOW to become more confident with men and USE it, you’ll start to feel more love from the man you’re with.

And if you’re single, you’ll start to see more men wanting to ask you out and take you out.

See, if you don’t have confidence, you are basically ruining your chances of being loved and cared for fully by a man that you want.

Without confidence, you increase your chances of being left by a man, you increase your chances of being cheated on, and the likelihood of a relationship failing for you is high.

I know that sounds kind of dramatic, and it seems like a downer to think that you have to be confident to get the love that you want.

Like, why can’t you just be down sometimes and still be loved, right? Well, it’s not as much of a downer as you think.

The reason is because, being confident is really about giving to YOURSELF first. And if you’re not giving to yourself first, then you cannot possibly give to a man.

It’s not about being confident so that other people can love you more and admire you more. It’s about gifting yourself with confidence so that you can approach your love life with more to bring to the table.

Without Confidence; Attraction dies off, and the Relationship Dies off

The reason a lack of confidence is such a relationship-killer, and the reason why confidence is especially such an ATTRACTION killer is because, when you’re not confident, you usually act from a place within yourself that TAKES value from other people, you usually act from a place within yourself that sucks life, energy and resources from other people’s lives without even knowing it.

A lack of Confidence in Yourself Leads to You Sucking Value from a Man

When you’re not confident, when you’re insecure; you tend to look EXTERNALLY, to OTHERS for reasons to feel good about yourself.

And nobody wants to always be dealing with the problems of a partner who has no confidence!

A little bit is ok; if that person loves you. For a little while, they might give you wings to fly. But after a while, it’s like: ‘screw that.’

Settling for being Insecure OVER Being Confident

Who really wants to be dealing with somebody who sucks life away from us? Life can be painful enough already.

So it’s CRITICAL that you give yourself the GIFT of feeling confident, and don’t just settle for: ‘oh, I’m insecure because of this thing my mum used to say to me…’

This doesn’t mean you can’t have bad moments. I want you to be able to have bad moments. I’d seriously be upset if you were with a man who just up and left you the minute you had a bad moment.

It’s more about just realizing how your viewpoints and actions affect a man, how it affects HIS quality of life, and how it ultimately affects the way MEN treat you.

The fake confidence of ‘pretending’ everything is ‘ok’ and that you have no fears…

A lot of women (without knowing it), try to become more confident with a man, and in doing so, they subconsciously start thinking that they have to pretend everything is ‘ok’, and they think that they have to ‘have it together’ all the time.

No! No, no no.

A PART of being confident is acknowledging that you are scared as hell, a part of confidence is knowing that fear is a part of life, and a part of being confident is being ok with the fact that you have insecurities.

It’s when you constantly SUCK value from other people and use ‘I’m insecure’ as an EXCUSE for sucking value from people’s lives that it gets really hard for a man.

It only takes a man a few Seconds to feel your bad energy from your lack of confidence

By the way, if you’re just dating: it only takes him one date (or one second!) to feel your bad energy coming from your lack of confidence. Maybe that’s why he didn’t call back?

Does this all make sense?

I’ll give you an example of how a lack of confidence makes you project a bad energy to men.

Scenario 1:

You sit down with a man over dinner, and you talk over dinner, and you’re having a great conversation, and at some point, you admit to him, that yeah, relationships are scary, and you have fears, but that you love to open yourself to loving a man and to a relationship with a man far too much to focus solely on your fears.

Scenario 2:

You sit down with a man, and try to act like you’re not scared. You mull over almost every little thing you say to work out whether it was the right or wrong thing to say. And, you analyze everything he does and try to work out whether he likes you or not.

Which do you think adds more value to his life?

Which do you think would more likely inspire him want to be with you?

In both scenarios, you have the SAME fears – Let me get this straight.

Your fear are STILL the SAME. Ultimately, fears are all the same. The fear is that you’re not adequate, and that you won’t get love. Whether you make this fear out to be that you’re ‘just shy’, or that ‘you’ve never had any luck with men’.

We all have this fear. It’s not just you.

And often enough, we may go through a time where we think ‘I’m not afraid of anything anymore!’ and then of course, life goes on, and yet again you reach a point where your fears are triggered. If you’re fears aren’t ever triggered, and you never push through them; you’re not growing, you’re just dying.

You may try to act ‘popular’, ‘cool’ and ‘nice’ and like the kind of woman who never complains and is never disappointed. But the fears are still there.

Shift the focus….

Shift your thoughts for a minute from interacting with a man to just friendship.

What about with a friend?

What is more valuable to YOU as a friend?

1) The girlfriend who ‘seems’ confident and self-assured; who never really opens up to you but is always chasing attention from men, popularity and sex ie: she fakes confidence by never opening up and admitting she has fears; or

2) The girlfriend who is actually willing to CONNECT with you and acknowledge that she has fears, and that that is totally ok?

Again, part of being confident is in being ok with your own fears, and not judging yourself for it. So, which girlfriend earns your trust, really? Which girlfriend are you more likely to VALUE in your life?

Which one of these girlfriends are you more likely to want GIVE to?

It’s the same principal with having a relationship with a man.

Authenticity gives a Man a chance to feel safe with you and Take Care of You…

See, the difference between scenario 1 and 2 above, is that in scenario one, you add VALUE to the man’s life, because you’re ‘ok’ with your fears, and that in turn makes things far easier for HIM to deal with.

Why? Because you’re being authentic.

He can, in turn, actually have the chance to take care of you! HE can in turn, feel safe with YOU! Why? Because you’re not acting from a place of fear, so you don’t trigger HIS fears. Know what I’m saying?

Oh YES, HE has fears too! Even the most attractive, successful men and women have the same fears as you.

We all have fears.

They’re NOT going away.

You can work with the fears – you can quiet the fearful voice.

But fears will always exist.

They’re resilient buggers!

So, in thinking about the second scenario, honestly, it’d probably be more fulfilling to sit at home with your pot plant because in  the second scenario, you’re constantly trying to validate yourself externally. This is what a lack of confidence does to you – you end up constantly trying to control everything; rather than just being able to relax and make things happen in your love life.

YOU’RE not even ok with yourself.

You’re not even ok with your own fears – you can’t even forgive yourself, how can a MAN trust you in a relationship with you?

How can HE feel safe enough with you to actually pursue a RELATIONSHIP with you, if you act like the woman in the second scenario?

Get REAL confidence, Not Fake Confidence!

The Secret to REAL Confidence with Men

Real confidence is not necessarily those women who are all ‘out there’, ’popular’, willing to wear sexy clothes and ‘willing to speak their minds’.

Real confidence is knowing your worth – it’s knowing that you have value to give EVEN WHEN you feel at your lowest!

And with a man, that’s certainly true.

So, when it comes to having confidence in dating or a reationship with a man -

How do you know if what you’re doing is not going to turn him off??

How do you know if what you’re doing will keep him IN the relationship with you?

What do you do if you feel like you are hanging on every word a man says, or every action he takes, and that this dictates how happy you will feel that day?

How do you get the confidence to be yourself without fearing that he’ll get angry, leave you, or judge you?

Well, you cannot possibly know that EVERYTHING you are doing is going to be the right thing to do to get what you want from him EVERY TIME (he’s a human being, and not always predictable, not like a TV remote where you can press the channel and the right channel automatically comes on!), but you CAN have certainty within yourself to the extent that what you’re doing is the best you can do at the time.

And having this CERTAINTY within yourself will allow you to be able to handle every upset that happens in your dating life, and in your relationship, because you’re no longer coming from a place of FEAR.

Having CERTAINTY and Confidence within yourself allows you to bounce back from relationship and dating upsets… 

And ever better – when you have that certainty (which is really just confidence) – you will be able to bounce back from relationship upsets much faster, much better, and of course, you’ll actually be able to repair the bond with a man and make it FAR STRONGER than it was to start with!

A woman who is not confident cannot do this, because when you’re not confident; and when you’re in a terrible place where you’re fearful, you usually make TERRIBLE decisions. But decisions made from a place of confidence are usually the decisions you thank yourself for.

So, here are some action steps to start feeling confident:

1) MAKE yourself DO something.

Make yourself do new and uncomfortable things – and then keep getting better and better at them. Master something new.

Do that thing you said you always were going to ‘get around to’ doing. Was it a dance class? A gym membership? Was it taking up a new course? Just mastering some new concept? Or taking up rowing or something fancy like that.

Why? And how is this going to help? Because doing new things is UNCOMFORTABLE.

You don’t build confidence by doing what was comfortable the day before today, and continue doing that the rest of your life.

That will get you death (less and LESS confidence – to the point where you’re scared to even leave the house!). Not confidence.

You’ll make it in life, if you live this way. You’ll get to the end of your years, but probably would have been miserable and lacking in confidence most of the time.

Once you start to make yourself DO something – you may not believe me right now, but you will when you do it – you’ll start to feel more certain in your worth, partly because you’ve changed your physiology.

Making yourself get out of the house or the office and do something uncomfortable has a far reaching effect on your physical body, which also affects your thought process, your mood and of course, how you treat men. When you repeatedly put yourself in a place that is uncomfortable, and you stop running on habit all the time; you start to build emotional and physical muscle that adds to your feeling of confidence, and ultimately, adds to your ability to start and maintain a passionate relationship with a man.

This is because you are now actively doing something different than what you did the day before.

Confidence is built through doing things that are inconvenient, uncomfortable and scary.

So do it. Pick one thing and do it TODAY.

I do this all the time. I spent some years justifying to myself why I could just sit at home, avoiding social situations, and not learning or doing new things. I was being a loser, really. Thought I was somewhat cool – really, I was just scared.

I still did ALL the things I’d always done – which were; run a lot; keep up physical fitness, study my Law degree – but in all other areas of my life (my friendships, my relationship), I was totally not confident; simply because though I had achieved a lot; I was still just doing what I’d always done – and over time, what was once HARD, was now easy.

So I wasn’t growing.

And then I decided. I made a decision to take on dance, to take an expensive (and results- oriented personal growth seminar) and commit to it.

And I can tell you, the emotional state I was in at times made it very hard to continue on with that commitment.

For example, I am someone who has grown up being told that dancing is BAD and that I shouldn’t do it – that it was bad to do things that would ’seduce’ men or make me ‘feel sexy’.

In fact, I was punished for doing these things. So, beginning dancing with a room full of women who had danced before while I hadn’t – sometimes I pressed on in those dance classes with tears in my eyes.

But afterwards, I was on top of the world. And NOW – that on top of the wold feeling has STUCK with me, because I continue to MAKE MYSELF DO THINGS. No matter how hard they are, and no matter how much TIME they take out of my day.

And that on top of the world feeling I got from doing what was uncomfortable transferred to my love life. I had the RESOURCES to bring more love, excitement, passion and femininity to my relationship.

2) Notice the words you habitually use to describe yourself when it comes to dating or your relationship, and if those words totally suck, replace them with new words.

For example, do you often like to remind yourself and other people that you are ‘shy’? And because of this reason, you can’t meet men or get them to approach you?

Well, you’re not shy, you’re scared.

Notice how ‘agreeable’ and ‘under the radar’ that word ‘SHY’ is?

No one can be on your back for being shy, so it’s a great word to use to keep justifying why you are having no luck with men or in the social scene. Because people will more like be like ‘oh, poor you! You’re shy!’

So, you’re not SHY.

You’re scared.

Don’t be afraid to tell yourself that.

That’s ALL that it is. You’re fearful, you’re scared, you’re jittery, you are afraid that you won’t be loved and accepted.

Shy is just a glossy word for FEAR.

So start replacing the old words you use to describe yourself with ’I'm scared’.

How will THIS help?

It will help by forcing you to see it as it is. Not just lying to yourself and telling yourself a bunch of fluff.

You’re giving yourself a great gift by doing this, because you then get to decide if you want to move forward.

The words you use to describe yourself are powerful. Words are one of the most powerful things us humans use in our lives – and we can either use them to create a change or use them to lower the quality of our own lives (in this case, your love life).

Using the word FEAR will put you in an uncomfortable place that forces you to NOT turn back! And to make something happen in your love life!

It’s like people who like to say ‘Oh I’m you know, not SMART enough to do that!!’

No, you’re scared. We can all be smart enough.

So this is what I want you to do right now to make sure that tomorrow you are 5 times more confident that you felt today:

1) call up a friend, or sit down and speak to your mom or a family member.

TELL them you’re scared.

Sit them down and say ‘hey, you know, I’ve been thinking….I have just had no CONFIDENCE with the man in my life. And the truth is…

I’m just scared. I’m scared as hell that I’ll be rejected. I’m scared that I will be hurt.’

Force yourself to actually verbalize the TRUTH.

And tell that person that you are ok with being scared, and that you will do something new so that the ‘fearful’ voice starts to go away.

2) Ask this friend or your family member to HOLD you to your decision (the decision you made above) to make yourself do something UNCOMFORTABLE and challenging.

Tell them exactly what you need to do in your life so that you can stop approaching your love life with fear, and start gaining CONFIDENCE. This will all help you IMMEDIATELY to get you on your journey to developing that inner certainty that will also transfer to your love life.

Confidence in one area of your life breeds confidence in other areas of you life, too.

Lots of love to you – have fun with it, and tell me how you go.

Mimi Kirk

Hello lovely!

It’s Renee here from TheFeminineWoman.com. Today I am going to share with you an interview with a woman who isn’t just an inspiration to me personally, but an inspiration to hundreds of thousands of women (and men) all around the world.

Let me tell you why she’s such an inspiration. In 2009, she won the sexiest vegetarian award for people over the age of 50, and guess at what age she won it at?

She won the award at the tender age of 70. Now That is incredible. She beat her competition who were 20 years younger than her, in other words, she was rated sexier than women who were 20 years younger.

To me, that is mind boggling. And in the last couple of years, she’s been on national Television, and she’s been interviewed again and again by a range of different people and organizations, because people are just FASCINATED by how great she looks in her 70s.

And I’m also SO excited about Mimi’s recently published book titled “live raw”, and I’ll give you some details of it later on in the interview.

In fact, Mimi has been kind enough to offer a free copy of her book “Live Raw: Raw Food recipes for Good Health and Timeless Beauty” at no cost, and at the end of the interview I will reveal how you can get your hands on a copy of this amazing book that I have myself, and I just LOVE to bits.

So for all of you listening wondering who this super woman is, her name is Mimi Kirk and below she shares with us some of her secrets of how she has achieved lasting youthfulness and radiance for well, forever.

And I know a lot of women are stressed or worried about aging and the media seems to portray this idea that you get less and less attractive as you age, so I really think Mimi is a perfect LIVING example here to show you that you can be attractive, and drop dead sexy at any age you wish.

So go ahead, read the interview, and if you would like to win a FREE copy of Mimi Kirk’s book: ‘live Raw: Raw Food recipes for Good Health and Timeless Beauty” – just leave a comment below this post. I will be picking the winner name randomly out of a hat in the next week, and the winner will be announced here in the comments section!

RW: What do you think your secret was to actually beating other women who were 20 years younger than yourself? I mean that is no easy achievement by any measure. So what was your secret??

MK: I think I won because I was the oldest in the contest and didn’t look it. I’m actually still surprised I won over women so much younger than me.

RW: I know that you’ve been practicing a raw food diet for many years now, and I think you became a vegetarian at the age of 30? What initially gave you the inspiration to follow the vegetarian or raw food path?

MK: When I realized that what I was eating was once a live animal, it just turned me off. People love their domesticated pets, but never think other animals are just as important. Giving up cheese took longer and then I became vegan when I realized the cruelty was just as bad. I think compassion for all living things is a good practice. I was only latter that I realized eating a vegan diet was so important to my health.

RW: Do you think genetics or lifestyle play more of a role in youthfulness as we age?

MK: I believe as we age more genetic diseases can appear, but I don’t think we should think genetics are the only thing. With proper diet we can keep many family diseases away. I think I am proving that to myself on a daily basis, as I am not getting what my parents or siblings have or had. For example, I went raw because I started to feel arthritic pains in my joints, my doctor told me my blood pressure and cholesterol were high, so I looked for an answer besides drugs, and I found raw food. I have no more pains and my bp and cholesterol are regulated. Living proof raw food works.

RW: So just for all the women who aren’t too sure of the distinctions between raw food, vegetarian, or vegan, can you quickly explain to us what the difference is between you know, vegetarian, vegan, and a raw foodist?

MK: Vegetarians do not eat animals, or as we say, “anything with a face”. Vegans do not consume animals or and products that are derived from animals, also, vegans do not wear leather. A raw foodist could eat raw meat and dairy and some eat sushi. A raw vegan will not partake of any animal products an that includes honey. We eat a plant based diet, nuts and seeds and fruits. Our food is not heated over 115 degrees in order to keep the enzymes alive in the food we eat.

RW: I know a lot of people say that raw foods have more enzymes and other nutrients that you don’t really get with cooked foods. Is this the main reason why raw foods will keep you young and help your body from breaking down?

MK: Yes that is true. We stop producing enzymes in our thirties so we have to make sure we have enough to digest our food properly. Disease starts with food not being digested properly and moving thru our bodies quickly. Raw food give our body hydration, enzymes, and the best possible vitamin from the food we eat.

Mimi Kirk

RW:  So could you possibly share with us all the benefits you’ve experienced after starting a raw diet? I mean I think I remember you mentioning in one of your videos that you’ve noticed that your teeth got whiter, I mean that’s something that you don’t think of, so what other benefits have you experienced after starting the raw diet?

MK: Any little arthritic pains were completely gone. My blood pressure normalized, and my energy level was completely amazing. I just felt decades younger and my skin looked younger also. I also lost weight.

RW:  So I’m just curious, what would a typical day of food look like to you?

What would you have for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Because I know that a lot of women are thinking right now… raw food? And all they can think of is eating salad leaves all the day. But I know there’s a lot more to the raw food diet than that. So what do you have for breakfast lunch and tea?

MK: I usually start with a green juice or smoothie. It starts my day out with amazing energy. It also holds me until lunch. My daily food intake varies. I like to make sure I get all the vitamins I need to keep my body at peak health. I adore salads and feel lots of greens really nourish me, so I like salad for lunch and a sandwich. Not the normal kind as I either make a raw bread or use lettuce leaves, chard leaves or nori (seaweed) sheets to roll in things like hummus, or pate’, avocado, sprouts, tomato, and thinly sliced red onion.

RW: What if you’re at a social event? How would you eat when you’re at an event where things may not be completely raw? and would you ever go out to a restaurant and eat? Or are you concerned with you know, how they prepare their food?

MK: I do not let food get in the way of social events. I’m there to be social. If I think there will not be food I can eat, then I eat ahead or after I get home. I just don’t make a big deal of it. I do eat at restaurants as I travel quite a bit. It might not be organic, but I can always find raw food. A salad that might have chicken on it, I ask to replace that with avocado if they have it. I also see what veggies they are serving, and ask if I can have them raw. I’ve rarely found it a problem. Sometimes my friends wish they had ordered what I did because the chef made something special. If I’m concerned, I put a few nuts in a zip-lock bag to tide me over.

RW: I’m just curious, a lot of women have food cravings and sugar carvings sometime during the day. Do you ever have those food cravings that most women have?

MK: I use to have more, but once I balanced my body with raw food, the craving subsided. I love sweets, but now I eat healthy ones and don’t crave them as often. I’ve learned to satisfy any craving I might have with a raw food substitute.  Actually that is one reason I wrote LIVE RAW, I started to figure out the foods I loved before going raw, and experimented until I found the right combinations.

RW: So what kind of snacks do you recommend for in-between meals? Because for many, it’s easy to just grab some chocolate or whatever is easy and available. What would be a good nutritious snack to have?

MK: I make crackers in my dehydrator and love to take them along when I travel, great with raw hummus. I make kale chips for my salty cheesy desires and raw cookies. I actually love cut up veggies like cucumber, carrots, celery, and red sweet bell pepper. It’s actually one of my favorite snacks. I also find berries of all kind satisfying.

RW: And what about alcohol? What are your thoughts on alcohol?

MK: I use to enjoy wine, but only if it was good. I did not drink just to drink. I will sometimes have a glass of wine, but never seem to finish it. As far as hard alcohol, I would drink a margarita, but not any more. I think like is to be lived and enjoyed. As long as someone does not over do, I’m not opposed. But I don’t think hard alcohol is really that good. If anyone is trying to overcome any disease or illness, I would advise them not to partake of either wine or hard alcohol. I have drinks in my book I call mocktails, there are non-alcoholic and my guest seem to love them.

RW: Do you take any supplements?

MK: Only recently, and on and off I will take a B12 supplement, D, and Omega 3. I’m still experimenting with these three.

RW: Here’s a good question from one of my readers. what keeps you motivated to stay active? Some women find themselves discouraged and they give up too soon.

MK: Passion. One must find something they love to do so when they wake up in the morning they feel excited. Age should not stop anyone as long as they are healthy, and that is why I take care of myself and eat the right foods. Good friends, interest in learning new things, love of self and others can keep anyone motivated way into their later years. I just know that when I see older people having a hard time walking, I want to try and keep myself in good shape. I love to travel, and I want to be around for my children, grandchildren and great grandchildren so I’m very motivated to stay active. I also think when you feel great and love what you do in life; you want to stay around for a longer time.

RW: Some women want to know how you pick yourself up out of depression spots, and what you do to stay happy and stay positive?

MK: I don’t find myself in a depressed state because I feel so good all the time because of my diet. However, like many people, I’ve had my ups and downs. I have an inner faith to trust life’s process. I try to look at things as a challenge and not a problem. A challenge allows me to feel I can do something about the situation as opposed as a problem that can keeps me stuck in the problem. I believe things happen for a reason so I encourage myself to be grateful for what I have and try not to dwell on the negative. I love to watch funny movies, and I always laugh at myself. I learned to meditate when I was 30, and believe over the years I know how to go to that quite place and learn the truth. I have faith in life and myself.

RW: Apart from your raw food lifestyle, are there any other tools such as skin care products you use that you would attribute to your radiant wrinkle-free skin?

MK: I love 100% organic pure virgin coconut oil. I use it on my face and body. I am not wrinkle-free but it doesn’t bother me. I show signs of aging on my face like everyone else, but I don’t seem to mind. The alternative would be botox or plastic surgery and that is not something I’m interested in doing. I think beauty is radiated from the inside out, so I do my best to be compassionate, loving, kind and non-judgemental. I believe that is what people really see in a persons face.

RW: Some women want to know: how do you keep your breasts from heading southwards without surgery?

MK: I think exercise helps if one starts early. Mine are just a little “southeast” and I say “so what”. I’ve given birth to 4 wonderful children and I’m 73 in September. I have other things to think about. Get a good bra and just love yourself.

RW: One of my readers asks: you’re dating a much younger man….how do you handle insecurity about the possibility that he may find younger ladies more attractive?

MK: We met when he was 45 and I was 64. I would say, If he was looking for a younger woman, that would have been the time to do so. We are in love, he is an amazing man in every way, and completely supportive. Anyway, he can’t leave me, he likes my food too much, and of course, we have lots of fun together. If a man were only looking for physical attraction he would not be the kind of man I would be interested in.

RW: I know that you are widowed…And I am wondering how you dealt with the grief that followed your husband’s passing?

MK: it was a shock and grief for sure. I was 29, and my youngest child under 1 year, and my husband was killed in a private plane crash.  I was devastated. No insurance, and no job as I was a stay at home mom at the time. A friend told me about meditation and I believe it was the major experience that helped me through difficult times and changed my life profoundly. As a mother, I also knew I had to do the best for my children. They were my motivation to create a good happy life for all of us. Today looking at all of them, I am proud of my accomplishments. They are all quite amazing, loving, wonderful people. Life goes on and I’ve learned not to waste time on things you can’t change and focus on the things you can.

RW: Do you still feel as attractive to men as you did in your younger years?

MK: I still feel like a sexy woman, but I only have eyes for one man now, so I don’t really know if I am attractive to men at my age. I know my boyfriend thinks I’m attractive so that’s all that really matters to me. I think I could be attractive to a man at any age if he liked who I was as a person, and not so much how I look. A wonderful thing happens as one ages, we become truly ourselves, free of insecurities, free of worrying about what others think of us, and we can have a love affair with our self and finally not be concerned if we are as attractive to a man as we were when we were younger. What I can tell you for sure is that I’m having a wonderful life in my 70’s.

RW: Mimi I know you’ve had four children – Did you find getting back to your normal weight after having children easy? Were you on a raw diet lifestyle when you were pregnant?

MK: I was not a vegetarian when I had my children. I was eating the standard diet at that time. I did not gain much weight with any of my 4 children no more than 25 lbs. Many pregnant women today gain too much weight so it might be harder to lose afterwards, but I had no problem. I do think if I had even done more exercise at the time and continued it, I would even be in better shape than I am today.

RW: So if you were to give the Action steps to all the women reading right now, what are 3 action steps they can take right now in their own lives to become more healthy, attractive, and more radiant?

MK: My first and foremost advise to anyone is to start the morning off with a green juice or smoothie. A basic one would be ½ cucumber 5 stalks celery, 3 big handfuls spinach or other dark leafy green, and 2 apples. You can juice or blend, but when blending, you need to add water to desired consistency. You can also juice then add that to the blender with berries, banana or other fruit in season. I suggest you love yourself just the way you are even if you are working on things you want to improve. I also think being non-judgmental, compassionate (don’t eat animals), looking at things in a positive manner, and laughing as much as you can keep you attractive and radiant. And don’t forget to give and receive love every day.

RW: Alright, thank you so much for your time, Mimi, I truly think that you’re an inspiration to so many women. I really do appreciate spending time with you.

So, how can people get in contact with you and how can they go and get your book?

Because I love your book and I know there’s probably a million cooking books out there but if  you want to follow a raw diet and look and feel amazing basically forever like Mimi, this is the book for you. I highly recommend it, so Mimi, where can people get a copy of your book from?

MK: You can find LIVE RAW on my website www.youngonrawfood.com/live-raw if you would like an autograph copy and a lovely necklace I designed as a gift. Or you can order one not autographed on Amazon and other booksellers. I am also on Facebook and Twitter

RW: And lastly, what plans do you have for the future? And How would you like to be remembered by all the fans that you have around the world?

MK: I am always reinventing myself over the years. And I’m excited to see what’s next. I think because I’m so positive about life, things seem to come my way. I am in complete gratitude on a daily basis.  Because my life is far from being over, I’m not sure how I would like to be remembered. I’ll keep you posted and we’ll talk about it at my 100^tth birthday party.

 Thank you mimi. I hope you stay healthy and radiant for the next 10, 20 30 years. 

Now, just quickly, to win the Free copy or Mimi’s book ‘Live Raw’, just leave a comment below this post.

You would already know, intuitively, and through experience, that being in a relationship means you will inevitably experience pain.

This doesn’t mean you should expect pain around every corner, and close up and stop opening yourself or stop trusting because of it. It just means the pain will be there. Pain is a part of life. Anytime you open yourself up to another human being intimately, you are opening yourself to the possibility of feeling pain as well.

That is why so many of us avoid entering relationships fully – it tests us more than anything else in our lives, and magnifies our emotions, and magnifies our fears. So many of us just dibble dablle; and as soon as it gets too painful, or it gets to scary, we pull away, blame the other person, or leave; maybe thinking another man or woman will be better for us.

There are reasons why over 80% of long-term relationships and marriages ultimately fail. Because intimate relationship is the area of our lives where we have the most fear.

So, we will always have the possibility of experiencing pain if we are truly loving somebody – but when it gets really bad; is when we give ourselves no possible way – no personal power – to deal with it; so we end up in consistent and eventually PERMANENT suffering; rather than just feeling our pain.

So we MUST strike a balance between actually letting ourselves FEEL our pain, and letting it get out of hand, which just means prolonging it until you eventually start to feel completely helpless and bitter.

You must focus on what you CAN control

In our intimate relationships we have no control over the other person. As a woman, you have no control over a man. If control is what you want, I encourage you to get some handcuffs and a basement. And then prepare to be miserable.

But it is our focus on this uncertainty; this fear; of the lack of control that we have that paralyzes us.

Any time we are focused on what the other person is doing or better still, NOT doing for US, we get pain.

All of your pain comes from withholding your OWN love

And any time you, as a woman, feel pain in your intimate relationship, is because you are withholding your love. You expect he should just do something for you. You’re trying to justify why he should be doing this, and how he’s hurt you. And what a bastard he is. Maybe, he is being a total prick. But that doesn’t help YOU experience less pain or suffering.

You get pain because you are denying yourself of love; and you are denying your own ability to love, as a woman. So it feels like there is no love there in existence already; which is a lie.

You’ve read this article for a reason. Because you’ve experienced pain before in an intimate relationship (we all have), or because you’re currently in pain, and would like to get out of this pain.

Do you really want to stop experiencing Pain?

Or, if you are like most people (like the average woman), perhaps you’re in a lot of pain and it’d KINDA feel nice to be out of suffering, but it also feels certain and safe to feel this prolonged suffering so you’ll read half the article and click out of it, because it’s “all too hard”. So you don’t REALLY want to stop suffering.

You’re really committed to suffering, rather than stopping suffering.

I would like to suggest that everybody would love to get out of pain, but not everybody would like to grow. So we just keep doing the same thing that we always have; causing ourselves more pain. If that’s what you want to do, click here and do this instead.

How to stop feeling pain and suffering right Now

Alternatively, if you are truly hurting, and want to get our of that pain, there is a way.

Here is what I want you to do:

1) ask yourself, “why am I hurting?”

And you might say, well “I’m hurting because HE didn’t do THIS!“

Or you night say, “I’m hurting because HE LEFT ME!!!”

And if you’re very self-aware, you might say: ‘I’m hurting because I feel like I have no control over this situation.’

And if you took it to a higher level than that in answering this question; you would know that the reson you are hurting is because you are withholding love. You’re withholding your own gifts.

As a woman, and as a woman who has a feminine essence, you will get pain any time you withhold your love. We THINK it’s because we got hurt by this guy, or because ‘life shouldn’t be this way’, or because ‘we DESERVE’ more than that, or because we were disrespected….the list goes on. But the real pain we feel is when we are not giving our gift.

Our gift being – giving from a place of resourcefulness. We can ALWAYS control what we have to give; but we cannot control what other people do not give to us.

Think about it: pain is a part of life: but if you really want to get OUT of that pain, can you really get OUT of it by focusing on what you CANNOT control? No.

But you can focus on what you can potentially control, with is your own actions, and the meaning YOU give to any situation.

2) Think back to a time when you really helped somebody. Was it your Mom? Your Dad? Maybe your grandma or grandpa? Your son or daughter? Or maybe  a beautiful friend. I want you to think of a time when you helped someone you cared about; and you actually SAW the results you got from helping them.

Maybe your girlfriend was hurting, and she called you up to tell you, and you went there straightaway, you had a girl talk, and you put a smile on her face.

Maybe your Mom was worried about something, and you told her that there was no need to worry, and that you love her.

Maybe your grandma was sick, and you stayed with her, spent time with her, and it put a smile on her face.

Hey, maybe you helped a stranger pick up their coin from the street or you helped a lost person find where they needed to go, and they turned to you and thanked you.

Think of a time. Not just a time when you GAVE to somebody, I want you to think of a time you can remember that you helped that person, and they actually felt that you helped them, and returned your help with their gratitude.

How does it make you feel, thinking about this experience?

In that moment, were you resourceful?

Were you strong?

Or were you weak?

How does the ‘you’ who helped that person so much compare to the ‘you’ who is in pain in her relationship and hurting right now? There’s nothing wrong with hurting, but there is something wrong with consistently putting yourself in a place of pain because you lie to yourself by thinking you have no power in the situation.

So, do these two people (the one who was helping and the one who is in pain) breathe differently? Stand differently? What words do they use?

3) You must call on the part of you who showed up when you were giving to that person you care about without expecting anything back. In that emotional place; and in that emotional state; you also have the power to influence your own focus, and thoughts; which in turn influence your own pain and suffering.

So call on that part of you, and focus on what that part of you would focus on. That part of you KNOWS that there is incredible power in focusing on what you can control; focusing on what you can give; rather than focusing on what you can’t control; and what you are not GETTING.

4) Now, write down on a piece of paper, and stick it on your wall:

‘If I want to experience the love I deserve in my relationship with a man; I need to acknowledge that I must have the resources within myself to give love first’.

Put it somewhere you will always see it. Go ahead, do that right now, or I’ll come and hassle you every day until you do.

5) Most women in this modern day world deal with their pain by becoming masculine, and taking the lead with a rigid strength and determination of a man in their own lives. This can really be a great thing – but it’s only great when you also allow yourself to feel.

Most women, in the process of becoming more masculine to get through life, forget that they are still feminine at their core – and that it’s totally ok to feel vulnerable and to feel hurt.

The less you let yourself grieve, and hurt, and cry, the less powerful you will feel, because you’re making your own feelings wrong – and when you do that – the energy always goes outwards, to other people, because you can’t take the pain of denying yourself of the right to feel, and to hurt.

Here is what I want you to do right NOW to make sure you have the resources to get yourself out of emotional pain in your intimate relationship:

1) So, if you feel tight and rigid and you’re just going about your daily life with ‘what do I need to do next’, ‘ohmygod, I have to do this’, ‘ahh, I can’t stop, I gotta do this’, or if there’s a voice in your head telling you it’s wrong to feel pain, or that you should be ‘over’ it and stop being an idiot – you still feel pain underneath somewhere.

And because of your not letting yourself feel it – you cannot move forward. This is when pain ends up being long-term suffering. So it’s ironic, that to get out of suffering, often, we actually have to allow ourselves to FEEL our hurts and our pain.

Whatever it is that you are feeling; and whatever pain it is that you feel; go right now, stop, and let yourself feel it.

Do this DAILY.

Always remind yourself, every day that it is ok to feel. It’s ok to feel anger, ecstacy, happy for no apparent reason, it’s ok to feel disappointment, hurt, rage, vulnerable, and scared.

To really get out of pain in your relationship for the long-term, you must keep practicing the above steps I’ve given you.

2) Lastly, remember that whenever you feel pain – it’s not that there is something WRONG, it’s that this is an area in which you need to grow. And you can grow by getting your own resources back; from your own well of feminine love; from the place inside yourself that has plenty to give.

Write this down above your desk, or on your face, or as a note on your computer screen (yes yes I like that one! Always visible):

“Whenever I feel pain – it’s not that there is something WRONG, it’s that this is an area in which I need to GROW.” 

And just some encouragement: cause I know you might be thinking: ‘yeah, but even if I do this, it doesn’t mean I will get the love and commitment I want from this man’.

When you come from a place of giving in your relationship; a man feels your presence in the relationship differently. When you are authentically just radiating love; you completely break HIS state. And you have FAR better chances of having the love and commitment you want from the man that you want, than you would if you were just being and feeling miserable.

Thanks for taking the time to read. I know you’re busy.

-XxX-

Please, kindly share with us in the comments section below, how you need to grow in your relationship right now, and what actions you take to get out of pain in your relationship.