It’s cool to complain in a group of girlfriends. It’s cool to bitch and back-stab, because we’re so much more perfect than so-and-so, right? It’s cool to get together and complain about men, and talk about how many jerks there are out there – and then sit there befuddled, because you don’t know what to do about it.

(Click here to take the quiz on “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

It’s cool to ruthlessly chase a career, and it’s cool to place your man second to said career.

It’s cool to get blind drunk and fall on the floor every Saturday night, week in, week out.

It’s pretty cool to dress in revealing clothes. It’s cool to sleep with lots of hot men. When did it become an ‘achievement’ for women to sleep with lots of different, good-looking men??

‘Sex’ is easy to come by. Money can buy it. Heck, it may even come for free with the right box of cereal.

But what happened to the Ladies? What happened to women with high standards? What happened to the women leaders?

We live in a society where we’re taught to be cool. To fit in. Social norms are the rules and the fat of the bell curve is where we should belong.

The great thinker, Tim Ferriss once said that there’s more competition in the middle of the bell curve…than there is at the top. Be ahead of the curve.

But you risk being UNcool when you leave the fat of the bell curve.

It’s UNcool to be very emotional in public.

It’s UNcool to admit defeat.

It’s UNcool to admit vulnerabilities. (Click here to download your “Goddess Report”)

It’s UNcool to have unconventional dreams and believe in them.

It’s uncool to be authentic, because standing up for yourself and having absolute certainty may actually make others feel threatened by you because of their own lack of certainty – thereby, leading you to feel less connected to and loved by other people, causing most to sacrifice their dreams for fear of other people not accepting them or not loving them.

See, ‘fitting in’ works for momentary pleasure. But standing out, and having solid values is what will give you ultimate fulfillment. The worst thing is to live your life the way others expect you to. To do what everyone else is doing because otherwise, you’ll be a social outcast.

Fitting in leads to mediocrity. Mediocrity leads to a life that may be OK, but is certainly not going to be exciting, passion filled, and red hot and spicy.

A woman who fits in rarely attract high value men, click here to learn the 17 Attraction Triggers and know what triggers a man naturally.

Question: Are you one who fits in? Or do you prefer to stand out? Who do you know that has been outstanding in one or many parts of their life by not fitting in with the crowd but instead believing in themselves?

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34 Comments

  • Erin says:

    On the note of feminism, I have to admit that even I am afraid to use that term those days because of the stereotype that comes with it, but also because of the few women that really do take it too far. I prefer to say I’m an egalitarian, which reaches out much more towards my vision either way. I’m not only for women’s rights, but also for men’s rights, and minorities, children… anyone.

    That said, I think it’s a little unfair to call things certain people choose to do ‘fitting in’. What if this is really who they are? I myself for one have a very neutral personality, equally masculine and feminine. I love men and prefer to spend my time with them. I don’t like to spend all my time talking about make-up, fashion, romance, boys, and other traditionally girly things. I don’t like shopping. I love guy things like gaming, sports, computers, artificial intelligence, vehicles… But I also love girl things, such as dancing, cooking, and fashion. I’ve had my casual sexual encounters with other women, but never with men, because frankly they can still get quite judgmental. As can straight women. Every now and then I like very sexy clothing, and I definitely put my studies and career before my partner simply because I don’t want to let my whole life revolve around another person, and also because I want to know that there is something that is entirely my own achievement. I also don’t think I am fit to be a mother or a housewife. Raising kids is a very big responsibility that not everyone is capable of, and not everyone should be allowed to do.

    Then again, I don’t drink, use drugs or party, and I hardly ever put people down. So, in some ways I fit in, and in others I do not. And I don’t feel that any of this makes me less of a woman. Actually, that’s the beauty of being a woman. You can love everything men love, and still be feminine.

    • Anais says:

      Hi Erin, with the exception being sexually attracted to women, you sound a lot like me. I like both “girly” things such as dancing and cooking, but also and “guy” things such as gaming. I enjoy occasionally wearing sexy clothes that some other women might think is “too much” even though I haven’t had any casual sex encounters. I don’t see myself raising my own children.

      And I wholeheartedly agree you can love so-called male hobbies and still be feminine. Some of the most feminine women I know are also into video games, like muyself. Being feminine is more in how you carry yourself and your energy than what your passions are.

      I don’t see any of this as fitting in or trying to be someone you aren’t if that’s really who you are. In your case, pretending to only like girly things or pretending to want children would be trying to fit in IMO.

  • LilaLivs says:

    I am perhaps a slightly younger woman than most who are engaged with this blog, which, may I add, is relevant to a younger me so much so I can only be glad I stumbled upon it when I did! Thanks for writing this Renee! It’s true; fitting in is neither relevant to you as a person nor is it the motive of great people. There is a saying ‘stop trying to fit in when you clearly stand up’ btw i really love this article, it really motivated me and changed the way I think about things.

  • Vicky says:

    I consider myself a feminist and I am greatly insulted by Connie’s liberal use of “feminazis” and her implication that being a feminist a bad thing. That stereotype is simply untrue. Yes, there are SOME crazy “feminazis” out there, but the fact is, “feminism” has such a wide and broad definition the chances of finding two feminists who agree on everything is very little.

    Personally, speaking AS a feminist, I believe that the reason why so many people want to abandon their femininity or are looked down for being feminine is because we have been taught by society that being a man and being masculine is better. It is the result of patriarchy, plain and simple. I repeat: THIS IS A RESULT OF ***SOCIETY’S*** VIEW AS MEN BEING SUPERIOR. This is NOT a result of the women’s rights movement!! The women’s rights movement is still a very young movement but the belief of men being “better” has existed since the beginning of time. This is what leads to people looking down on anything inherently feminine or womanly — which is really, if you think about it, CONTRADICTORY and a HINDRANCE to women’s rights. The women’s rights movement isn’t a movement to make women into men — it’s a movement to prove that a woman can do anything as a WOMAN and NOT as a man!

    So, although your post is a few months old, I hope that you will eventually see that not all of us are that way. I respect a woman to choose any kind of lifestyle she wishes. The most important part is that we all have the ability to choose.

    • Viki Samoja says:

      Feminism has roots in marxism, that is a fact, and as someone who comes from post socialist country i can tell you that communism had some very good ideas, i like having my state take care that i don’t die if i can’t pay for doctors, i love that my state will not let me starve to death if i get down on my luck, i love having social security. That said, communism had some fatal flaws in it, that is why we had to ditch it in the end. Flaw number 1.It assumed people will work even when they are not under preassure, wrong, it just created a situation where sleazbags and deadbeats were able to slip below the radar and live on somebody else’s expense, flaw number 2. It assumed that those in power will not abuse said(almost unlimited) power, wrong, we saw that it was extremely abused almost universally. flaw number 3. it assumed that worker caste was inherently better then the upper caste, wrong, power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. In summary, even tough communism had it’s high points in the end it had to be ditched because it was fundamentally flawed. I think the same thing is true about it’s derivative, feminism, as good as some of it’s ideas are the movement in and of itself is fundamentally flawed and will have to be ditched at some point, positive aspects will most likely be kept(as they were with communism) but if we want to survive as a culture we must not cling to flawed and one sided sistems just because they sound good on paper.

  • April says:

    Dear Renee,

    I LOVE getting your “golden nuggets”!! 😉

    Thank you for “reviving” Femininity & all that it entails. I’m a 39 year-old (40 in 6 days!) single woman & I AM A WOMAN WHO WILL NEVER FIT IN.

    Sure, I get lonely but I will never be needy. I’ve seen too many friends & relatives get married, have children…way too soon because THEY COULDN’T STAND THE IDEA OF BEING ‘ALONE’ PAST AGE 30! Now…the majority of them are getting divorced or are very unhappy & always always “stressed out.”

    Wow! How FUN! ;-0 I admit I have high standards…not just for the man I want to date & hopefully marry…but also for myself.

    Keep up the great work you’re doing! 🙂

    AM~

  • Connie says:

    Gosh I just call it as I see it. If you find your entertainment in bashing men and thinking you have to get away to a bar to rid yourself of those stinky kids and pain of a hubby then that is what I call a Contentious Harpy. The demanding, whining woman who expects her man to read her mind and then does nothing but complain. She lives under the motto of “I deserve”.

    Do I say it to their face.?NO! I am always polite and kind to all that I meet. That is how I was brought up. I am the one who has dealt with rude remarks and snickers with some grace and dignity and then exited the group. Most if not all women’s groups have no idea how I feel. I just choose to not partake. Not because I think I am better, I most certainly don’t, but because how does that help me in my roles as wife and mother? How does it encourage one another. It does not! It does nothng but cause discontentment. It says in scripture that the contentious woman tears down her house with words. Exactly!

    A prime example is that I started a quilting class yesterday. Including myself there are 7 women. One is the teacher and 3 others were lovely and lively women. 2 women came together as friends. They sat behind me and did nothing but berate their husbands and children while we sewed. Seriously! Why would I want anything to do with them. I said nothing to them and was polite when spoken to.
    So you see it is not about being condescending, It is about choosing whom I associate with.
    Any woman worth her salt uplifts her man and blesses her children. Most especially in difficult times.
    I will stick by my Contentious Harpy statement for that is exactly what these type of women are.
    Maybe JRD you can go back and re-read my post as being from soemone who feels that her position on femininity has been under attack and thought this was a safe place to share. Not a person who was or is condescending. Just a vent. Most espec ially since you do not know me nor have seen me interact with others.

    Again this is a one dementional media with no ability to hear tone to read body language.

  • jrd says:

    Melinda says: “Could you please elaborate on why you think her post is condescending?”

    (For the record, I am also a college educated stay-at-home mother who conducts my life similarly to how Connie describes herself.)

    Connie states that she does “not join in the nonsense” or “partake…in the behavior of the Contentious Harpy”. I detect a contemptuousness for all/most other females. For me, it explains why she has “NEVER fit in with other women”.

  • Connie says:

    Well I do not like to be perceived in a negative light. I strive to avoid that. However, I only complained about male bashing and negative female group behavior because this would be the safe place to do so.
    I have taken alot of heat from women for being too feminine, too submissive, too unavailable to “play” due to my responsibilites in the home with 5 children,(homeschooled) 1 with Special Needs. A small farm and several animals that need daily care such as milking etc., gardening, and just the day to day care a home with children needs.
    I have been called a “Breeder” by feminazi’s who see all my children and never realize they were all adopted from Foster Care. So much for tolerance eh? I have been laughed at for wearing dresses and skirts and called Amish. Though I dress very stylishly and not in the “Prairie” dresses. I had one woman in my Church suggest a breast reduction! I am not kidding! It was not done in love or care. It was said in supposed jest because I apparently made her feel like a boy, simply because of my figure. Lest any one think that this stance on femininity is an easy road. It is not. That is why I appreciate Melina’s and Renee’s blogs so very much. It is a true sisterhood, of truly liberated women!

    The bald fact is I LOVE being a feminine woman!I act like a woman. Much to my husbands delight I look like a woman. That alone irks many of todays feminists.

    Likely jrd read my post in a tone it was not meant. That is the flaw of the internet. One can not hear tone, inflection or see body language and it is very easy to mis judge. No hard feelings here.

  • Melinda says:

    Jrd, I see Connie knocking certain behavior, but I’m not getting how disagreeing with something a person does is the same as seeing them as inferior. Could you please elaborate on why you think her post is condescending?

  • Connie says:

    WOW JRD you are amazing. I have never been called condescending before. Quiet, shy,etc but not condescending. Do not get how you got that from my post. Must have read it with your own agenda floating around.
    That is a shame because you missed my point.

  • jrd says:

    Connie, you forgot number 8 on your list of why you do not fit in:

    8. I am condenscending to others.

  • Connie says:

    Renee,
    I love your blog! As an older (52) woman I am still finding I can and need to learn about myself.
    I have NEVER fit in with other women. I do have a small group of very close female friends and consider my husband to be my best friend. We both are very close to another male friend.
    However, in situations like Bible Studie, Womens groups etc I find I am often given the cold shoulder.I am warm and friendly. I do not look my age, I work out and watch my diet and I am in good shape.I always dress feminine and can hold my own with most topics in any conversations. So why don’t I and many other women fit in. Because I believe for me it is the following.

    1. I defer to my man and any man in a postion of authority.
    2. I love staying at home and caring for my home and family.
    3. I REFUSE to gossip or male/husband bash. That is HUGE in women’s circles.
    4. My ladies night out may consist of me going shopping alone (I have 8 childre, 5 still at home.), a sewing class, or just a quiet night with one friend. I do not party or bar hop.
    5. I have the unmitigated gal to have a University Education and choose to stay at home.
    6. I do not back stab, if you are my friend you are likely there for life as I choose my friends very very carefully.
    7. I have the knowledge that Women have the power. We are to be respectful of it and use in a loving committed way.

    Because I do not join in the nonsense I am seen as aloof. That is OK I would rather be seen as aloof than partake in what I call the behavior of the Contentious Harpy. The real question is why would any woman who values herself want to fit in for what passes as popular now days?

  • Kendra says:

    I agree that ‘uncoolness’ = coolness, but not the kind where someone attempts to stand out or force themselves. I mean the kind where you let it flow on it’s own and most importantly, believe and trust in that uncoolness.

  • Sachmet says:

    I do not think that wanting to fit in is generally a bad thing but actualy quite normal. It’s usually the group you want to fit in that’s “bad”. So I fit into the group I chose quite well but we are all mature and old enough so that nobody has to become someone s/he is not in order to fit into the group. We are all different, do not always share the same values let alone have the same opinion about everything but as we are all well beyond our teenager days this is no problem.
    My younger brother would even go a bit farther. Two years ago or so he observed quite incredulously: “You are a freak!” I admit I was quite proud of his assessment :-)))

    Actually I feel quite priviliged to live in an age and a country in which I can afford to be different and fit in to the degree I choose myself. Let’s face it: Having to fit in and fulfil not your own but society’s values, standards and traditions no matter how you personally feel about it was a reality for hundreds and thousands of years. And it still is in too many countries. I know that I could never be happy under such circumstances.

  • Livi says:

    Totally agree with that. While I do like to “fit in” I try not to compromise my values to do so. I don’t go out drinking, I refuse to chase a career or but anything before finding a good man. Sadly I have lost quite a few friends because of it but I figure they can’t have been especially good friends in the first place!

  • clarice says:

    its cool to be “uncool”

  • Karen says:

    So true Rennee! Usually if something “feels” wrong, or you feel you shouldn’t really do a certain thing, then you probably shouldn’t do it. We all basically know what is right and wrong, so if “Jimmine Cricket” is on your shoulder and whispering in your ear, maybe you should listen to him.

    Sometimes you have to show a little moral courage by not doing what everyone else is doing.

  • Poppy War says:

    Thanks for the post. It was very encouraging!

  • sarah says:

    I know a girl who goes out to the bar and gets drunk regularly with her friends. Her boyfriend was happy to date her (have sex with her), but refused to consider marrying her. He didn’t want to marry a woman who acted like that. Standards are important….even if all your friends are going out to the bars doesn’t mean it’s in your best interest for you to do so. In the end the girl got pregnant on purpose…but he has so little respect for her that he asked for a paternity test! Blending in with the crowd isn’t worth it…..it gains you no respect. Being authentic and having decent morals and self worth is important.

  • Sasha says:

    It seems to me that all the coolest people are those who break from the norms and forge their own path, and do so with enough confidence and charisma that others choose to follow them. It’s cool to be different if you FEEL (and thus, act) as if you are cool. Blending in with the crowd may be ‘safe’ and ‘normal,’ but it sure doesn’t make you cool…it only makes you an average, easily ignored member of the faceless masses. The Fonz, for example, is considered by many to be the coolest television character of all time…does he dress or act like all the other characters on “Happy Days”? NO! But is he universally adored? Surely. It’s all about confidence, ladies, so be PROUD of who you are and don’t let anyone who is jealous of your originality and femininity make you feel uncool!

  • jrd says:

    “It’s cool to sleep with lots of hot men. When did it become an ‘achievement’ for women to sleep with lots of different, good-looking men??”

    Men have long been admired by other men, and some women, for having a high number of sexual partners. In the past 15+ years, many women have decided that if a man is admired for such behavior, then it is appropriate for females to be admired for the same conduct. In this same time frame, it has become expected for heterosexual females to engage in making out/having sex with other females, most often for the viewing enjoyment of men, including their significant others.

    As a woman who places great import on sex, it saddens me that so many people, to borrow from Bridgette’s post, treat sex like a handshake.

    • twinkle says:

      Men could ‘seem’ to do it because they don’t have to carry the child in their body for 9 months. If she’s pregnant, he is too; there is no perfect birth control, whether it’s condoms, hormones or spermacide.Many women aren’t even getting asked out on dates anymore, and they’re in their TWENTIES! Men are also fertile for a longer period of time; you’ll find them in their 60s, with newborns and 40 yr olds, and are siblings! We have menopause, and can get uterine cancer from HPV. I’m praying that the culture changes soon

  • hiphopmuse says:

    I really like this post! I’ve always been one to march to the beat of my own drum…I’ve never really “fit in” and that’s ok! I’ve learned to live for myself and not others. I love standing out, I don’t want to be a clone of everyone else!

  • Masaleen says:

    Great post. I especially love how you mention (in the email intro) that most women think they stand out, but don’t necessarily. I think a LOT of women have higher standards than they’ll admit or show, or WANT to have higher standards than they do but are afraid of rejection. I know I stand out in many ways, but I won’t say I 100% of the time let people see it, for fear of confrontation. But I’m really working on it.

    I think everyone could benefit from really looking inside and asking themselves, What am I hiding (out of shame, fear, guilt, etc.)? Beliefs, desires, values. It’s scary to face our true selves, because deep down inside we all KNOW our true self stands out. But when we let our actions and choices reflect who we really are, we feel SO good. Because we’re FLOWING from the inside out. And you start to respect yourself so much, so that even people who blatantly disagree with you respect your character, your courage, your strength, your mind.

    Great post, even though it was short; you always remind me and inspire me to face my fears. Thank you.

  • Bridgette Marie Williams says:

    I’m horrified by the way women exploit themselves. Those who do may find that men will cheerfully bed them, but those same men will not introduce them to their families, include them in their lives, or open up to them emotionally. The reason for this is the same reason why men didn’t introduce “loose” women to their mothers a century ago–because that is the behavior of whores.

    Going against that particular grain is no disgrace. Never once have I fitted in everywhere–some days it does make me feel disconnected, but other days I realize that is the source of my power! I get into less trouble when I stand out than when I try to demur–some people are born to be conspicuous. One lady I am getting acquainted with stands out beautifully–she’s in her 40s, but can’t so much as go to the grocery store (literally!) without men begging for her number and trying to get her to take theirs. Her wardrobe is modest, her personality is quirky and cheerful, and her sense of values is impeccable. I admire her greatly.

    When you think about it–why should a woman be embarrassed is she’s passionately interested in 18th century Italian poetry if that’s what she loves? Why should a woman make excuses because her relationship with her man comes before a career? No matter how good you are at your job, it can’t love you back. Your man can and will! Moreover…when did work define people? The purpose of work is to make a living–enough to pay the bills and save for a rainy day so you can do what you’re actually mean to do–which is be with your lover, family, friends, and pursue your REAL dreams. And since WHEN did people decide to treat sex like a handshake? Surely it is possible to admire someone on an aesthetic level without feeling compelled to leap into bed with them.

    Why would we want relationships with people who are ‘cool’…and detached? I’ll take warm and tangled up ANY DAY! 😉

  • JP says:

    Being cool or fitting in are never good reasons to do anything. When you make choices based on what others think you are neglecting the most important thing… what matters to you! Good Advice Renee 🙂

  • Dixie Darlin says:

    As a mother of six daughters who are poised, feminine and value integrity and modesty:
    My girls share with me the vulgarity and lack of dignity amongst their female peers in High School.
    As lovely wholesome young ladies who excel in their studies, athlectics and arts: standing out is an understatement.

    Though it is not without ridicule and vicious threats of aggression from girls who have no self respect or self control.

    Young ladies truly have been sold out by popular culture. Where are the mothers, grandmothers and fathers who value feminine qualities of grace, kindness, joyful creative work, compassion and modesty?

  • Laurence says:

    I’ve found that not doing what everyone else is doing is what makes you a social outcast. That having “high standards” and “solid values” is what makes someone uncool, at least in the eyes of the world.

    What makes some women (and men) drink too much, sleep around, etc., is wanting to fit in so badly and yearning for acceptance. It can come from a lack of self-esteem which makes one vulnerable to peer pressure. (Also from watching too much “Jersey Shore”.)

    There should be more writers like you to say no, it’s not cool to do these things, even though they will gain you acceptance in the short term.

    If enough people do something, no matter how ill-conceived, whether it’s smoking, man-bashing, or binge drinking, it becomes normal and accepted because it looks like everyone’s doing it. Reminds me of the saying: “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”

  • Mary says:

    Your post was great, as always.

  • Joanna says:

    I like to not “fit in” not just for the sake of doing what others are not but for the sake of, I love me. If I want to have sex or drink its going to becuase its something I want and not a tally to express to others. I would rather be respected by my choices then over looked by following “group” choices. I have one life and I am going to live that life for me. People, Places, and things (and emotions) just get to be lucky and be involved and included. I take pride knowing I don’t sleep around or need to get drunk vs. tipsy when I go out. I take pride knowing that a card game or board game or movine is enough for me to have fun and it does not have to be an all out party. I love me and love and appreciate others.

  • ariess says:

    renee,

    thx for this articles.yes,i dont follow the ‘normal norms’ and people say i m out dated, i m conservative and not ‘COOL’ enough.again,i m still proud of myself.i m me.

    with love,
    ariess

  • Cindy says:

    Thanks Renee. I agree with you. It’s sad how alcohol is a minimum requirement for enjoying a night out. It’s the norm. Somehow, people think it’s strange if you don’t drink. I’ve also met women who boast about their sexual encounters with men, and i find it very sad.

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