How do you Deal with fear of being Alone and fear of a Man leaving You? Find out in this article…
If there was one thing I could have every woman understand about herself; it would be that our biggest fear is that we will be abandoned. With friends, this fear exists, with parents, it also exists, but nowhere is this fear more intense than dealing with men. (Click here to take the quiz “How Feminine Am I Actually”)
Now, there are women in our population all over the world who are just more masculine; and it’s in their biology, not necessarily choice. A lot of women put out masculine energy by choice, but inside, they are really a flower waiting to bloom. But there is a small population of women who are born more masculine; it’s in their chemical make up.
What percentage is this? Roughly 10%, if you go by the well respected David Deida’s work. So it’s still quite a lot of the population.
So I will not speak for them; as I am not them and it wouldn’t be fair for me to assume what their life is like.
But one thing that became apparent to me as I embarked on my life mission to help women understand men, and help women attract and keep a man that worships them, it is this internal barrier of what I call a fear of abandonment that we carry around that stops us doing that very thing we want – attracting a truly present and caring man.
The fear exists to protect us; yet it’s also ACTING on this fear without THINKING that pushes men away.
Let me make this very clear: masculine men mostly don’t mind that we have this fear of abandonment. What they don’t like, and can’t RESPOND to,or help us with, or deal with; is HOW we as women express the fear. Most women express it in anger, frustration, blame or criticism. Because it’s just so much harder to say: “I need you.” or “I’m scared you’ll run off and if you run off, I’ll be scared and alone.”
And that’s actually not our fault. It’s proof that the fear is THAT ingrained and hard-wired in to us. It’s in our body. If you were to think honestly about it, you’d realise, that this fear of abandonment comes us VERY often in your dealings with men, or in your relationship with a man…and if you were super, super honest:
You’d probably acknowledge that you (like most women) respond to this fear through a fight or flight response. Fight or flight response doesn’t have to be a response to a physical danger; fight or flight is JUST as strong and intense when we feel we are presented with an emotional danger/threat. See this page here for more amazing info on the fight or flight response and how emotional fear can come in to the picture: http://www.thebodysoulconnection.com/EducationCenter/fight.html
This fear of abandonment is of course, something I also have. I am no stranger to it. It’s familiar to me. More than familiar. It’s the angry friend in me. It’s hard to admit she’s there; because you know, sometimes, I just want to be OK. I don’t want to have fears; I just want to be ok. Don’t you get sick of your own fears too?
The Problem is more serious when you won’t Admit that the Fear of Abandonment exists
But what’s hard in my work is communicating to women that they DO in fact, have this fear.
Do you know what I mean?
As much as we all know deep inside that we have this fear, the fear itself is SO intense, real and ingrained and difficult for us to deal with, that we have found a dangerous coping mechanism, encouraged by our mothers, female teachers, mentors and – close girlfriends; and that is denying that the fear is there.
Instead, we settle for another, much more fake meaning in our lives:
“I’m an independent woman.”
“I don’t need a MAN! F*** you!” (not an indicator of the fear itself at all, hey? 🙂
“Men are assholes!” (translate: I’m terribly hurt and disappointed that this man isn’t the right man; that he isn’t reassuring me that he will never leave me).
“I can make my own money! Men are useless creatures!”
Men have Equally (if not more) Intense Fears with Women
Men have their fears with women, too. Fears that are just as intense as ours, or even more. I’m not a man, so I won’t articulate it well. My husband articulates them for the male population in our program Understanding Men. And as more women have taken that course since we launched it, I’ve noticed more and more women respect that men also have fears. And it puts them at ease.
Because otherwise, with how cold and unemotional men seem sometimes, it really does look like they fear nothing. All is not as it seems with men. 🙂
How Can you Tell a Woman has this Fear?
The next time you see a woman acting disrespectful or what you might consider slutty around your man (or a man you like), or try to take attention for herself from YOUR man, don’t hate her. She’s got the same fear as you. She just shows it differently, and maybe in a more damaging way than you.
Are you wondering how this fear of abandonment is expressed by women? It’s usually undetectable, UNLESS you’re aware that women have this fear, which you now are. Here are some ways that women try to deal with the fear of being left:
– Plastic surgery. My man will readily tell you (and I trust no other man on earth more than him to give the most genuine and carefully researched answers on dating and relationships than him.) that women who are obsessed with plastic surgery make it harder for men to come forth and marry them or take care of them, because the plastic surgery is an attempt to be LESS vulnerable. Ie: it’s a way to seemingly decrease the RISK of being left by a man.
– Blaming men.
– Expressing resentment for men by using cutting words. Women are GREAT with words. Only, words do hurt. And it’s our weapon to hurt a man who seems to have threatened to leave us, when in fact, maybe he hasn’t anyway! We just interpreted it that way because we were blinded by our own fear before we had a chance to observe his actions.
– Smoking, drinking, insomnia, substance abuse (all the things any human being uses to deal with underlying stress or constant fight or flight response in their body).
– Sleeping around with men blindly and then breaking down years later, because she can’t handle shutting out her own fears anymore. What she really wants is to trust a man, but somehow, she just hasn’t been able to. It’s fine to sleep around with men as long as you also allow yourself the chance to open to a deeper love with a man, so you experience both dark and light parts of yourself. Some women don’t, though. They just sleep around, thinking that’s the answer…when their soul is aching for a deeper love.
– Complaining. Complaining isn’t good or bad, as I mean to use the word here. It just is. It’s a coping mechanism. We do what we need to do to survive. Complaining sometimes seems to work.
– Going to her children to meet all her needs, and neglecting her husband/boyfriend. See here’s the thing about children: they seem to need you and depend on you for many years, which they do. Until they don’t. Children just seem less risky a place to meet our needs (if we have children) than opening ourselves to a man, who could ‘leave us or cheat on us (which in the female body, feels the same as being left)’.
Those are some examples. By no means all, just some.
Can you ‘get over’ the fear?’
Of course not. That would be like telling a young infant not to cry, ever. Impossible. An infant cries to get people to tend to it. Infants are vulnerable. So are women. So are men. Women are just more consistently emotionally vulnerable than men. NOT more emotionally vulnerable, just more consistently emotionally vulnerable. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)
You can’t GET OVER any fear. Fear is always there; because it helps us survive. Without it, we’d be dead. Fear serves just as much of a purpose for us as does joy, elation, and emotional or sexual pleasure.
So you can’t ‘get over’ or ‘get rid of’ the fear of being left by a man. You can just practice a relaxation response repetitively enough that you lessen the frequency and intensity with which your brain and body is HIJACKED by that fear of abandonment.
You and I both fear Abandonment…
You and I as women most likely both experience the fear of abandonment. Only, we might express it differently. It’s up to you to become aware of how you cover up the fear, and the consequences you’ve suffered in your life from letting that fear dominate your life.
My bet is….
If you are still single, or if you are having problems in your relationship…it’s directly related to how you express this fear or react to this fear within yourself.
You see, my husband now understands that I have this fear…but it was not an automatic understanding for him – it took years. And any man you date or get in to a relationship with, won’t necessarily GET that you have this fear.
BUT – and here’s the beautiful thing about MEN:
Men can’t help but respond to genuine vulnerability and helplessness in a woman.
So here’s what I recommend every woman do to turn her biggest fear in to her biggest asset:
Express your fear in a form of genuine vulnerability. Not a fight or flight response.
Now, what does a fight or flight response look like?
It looks like blaming, interrogation over the phone such as “where are you?” “where were you?” “are you cheating on me?” “are you with HER again?” “what are you DOING?” “Why didn’t you call?”.
It could also come in the form of payback ie: passively acting from a place of ‘you ignore me, I ignore you.’
You could also obsessively check his facebook or email or phone or bank account. You could also express your fight or flight response by accusing him of cheating on you or lying to you. You could also simply take out your fear on your children or your girlfriends or family.
Instead of all this, you can try RESPONDING (rather than reacting) to your fear of being left by a man by bringing him closer. Here’s an example; Try saying with your body and your words with gratitude “I’ve missed you.” or “how are you doing? Are you well?”
Remember that often, your fears cause you to push away the VERY thing that you want: a deep love with a man that you trust.
I have more answers for you to help you eliminate anxiety with men in our Understanding Men course. (Click here to take our Understanding Men program)
If you also get frustrated when a man pulls away or goes quiet, you can try reading my article ‘Why Men Pull Away and How to Deal with it‘ too.
Have you struggled with a fear of being alone? Or of being left by a man? You’re welcome to share your experiences below this article, which will also help other women. I believe that the more women talk about this among each other, the more support we have. And the more support we have, the safer we can feel when we need it. I look forward to hearing from you and reading your comment! xo Renee.