Dancing Naked, Slut Shaming, and Shit Sex…

Dancing Naked, Slut Shaming and Shit Sex

She barged into my room without knocking. What were you doing?! She said. She crossed her arms and looked me up and down. Then her mouth moved up in the shape of a smirk. ‘Ahh, you were dancing. Don’t think I don’t know exactly what you were doing.” I looked downwards, the 17 year old me, knowing my mother would never approve of me dancing. I was even looking at myself in the mirror.

Worse. I was enjoying dancing and looking at myself in the mirror.

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“Get that towel off your head!” she yelled. Only sluts wear towels on their head. “What?” I asked. “I’m wearing a towel around my hair to dry it.” I said. “Take it off immediately. You’re not allowed to act like a slut in my house.”

“I said you’re not allowed to tie that towel around your head. Ever. Again.”

This sums up a lot of my my teenage years with my mother. This was a long time ago. Don’t worry, my mother and I love each other very much despite our issues. 

Yet, you can have a guess, my mum had many ways to ensure I feared the act of being totally sexually alive, I did what I thought was being a “good girl” to avoid hurting my mother. Who doesn’t want to be a good daughter, right? Well, I did, anyways.

That sounds all okay – but “good girl” me really was just a closed person, dulling my own wildness in case I did something wrong.

So, when my husband and I fell in love, the good girl restriction melted away, and made way for all the wonderful hormones of falling in love and meeting the man I am meant to be with.

Until…

A while after my husband and I first hit it off, I started clamming up at the thought of sex. The old fears about not being “good” came out.

This is many years ago now, but I remember it like it was yesterday. We had an argument about something I can’t even remember…but during that argument, in anger, I said something like “what do you want from me. You only want sex from me. You don’t love me!” And he said back in frustration: ‘No way, you don’t understand, sex with you is shit!!”

Well ouch.

Now, just in case you mis-understand us, I’ll confirm…my husband wasn’t being abusive in any way. He also wasn’t condemning all the sex we’d ever had, it was just his expression in that moment. He was telling the truth of how he felt at that moment, in response to my accusation that he only wanted me for sex (because that’s what my mother always told me about men, too). And you know what they say…”the truth hurts.”

Let’s be honest here…

Women dull their sexuality for other women who are threatened by them. Threatened by sex.

They also dull their sexuality to avoid being hurt, or raped by men. But we can also dull our radiance, our aliveness and sexuality for other women.

That is horrible. Because we can’t live like that! We sacrifice ourselves so that others don’t have to feel the truth. It’s our responsibility, and ours only, to ensure that we live a full life, and I truly believe we must do this, otherwise, we grow old, and our bodies know we pushed down important parts of ourselves that have been screaming to be let out, so we become resentful, and fearful of death.

And yet…

Sometimes women just can’t let themselves surrender to their emotions, and connect with their innate feminine personalities, and be sexually open to themselves, and be sexually open in a devotional, sacred way, to a man they trust.

Having sex is not being sexually open. And being sexually open doesn’t mean having sex. Sexual openness involves (among other things) an aliveness and bodily awareness, and it’s about moving energy through the body.

It’s hard to let ourselves do that when we fear our own emotions; which is fearing ourselves.

I’ve heard young girls call their friends sluts for borrowing another male student’s jumper.  

Anything goes with women when we’re threatened.

Recently, myself and an acquaintance of mine (who I will call Fi) were talking about our high school days and she told me about how the girls were sleeping around in high school, and she had one steady boyfriend, whom she hadn’t slept with yet.

And Fi’s girlfriends always felt less attractive than her. So they would call her a ‘slut’ (serious) for no reason. Fi said to me…”what was all that about anyway…I used to think about it and wonder….is it Just because I’m better looking than them, that they call me a slut?’

We’re competitive with one another, for many reasons.

And for those of us who are sensitive creatures, who are naturally quite light feminine in energy, and who want friends, who want to be true and loyal, who want to stay close with other women, we can dull ourselves for the sake of not making other women feel bad.

And we all know somewhere inside of us that women who are unafraid, who are not asking for permission, are inspiring, but sometimes threatening.

These women are a reflection of who all of us truly are: unapologetically ourselves. But a lot of us don’t allow that experience in us because other people have attempted to desensitise us to ourselves, and we also actively try to dull our own sensitivity to ourselves for the larger societal acceptance.

This is one reason why we’re not as proud of our feminine anymore. We’re all about dulling ourselves, desensitising and being disconnected, being successful, being independent, and using makeup and clothing and selfies (attention) to try to feel beautiful when feeling beautiful comes from moving energy through our bodies.

You know what I’m talking about, right?

Feeling beautiful is just that: a feeling.

 

Naked dancing for connection to ourselves and sexual openness

And here is the crutch of it: if you can’t dance naked feeling, caressing (whatever word you wish to use) your breasts and vagina, loving them deeply, enjoying the skin on skin contact whilst feeling all that has been waiting to feel – then perhaps you’re not feeling as sexually attractive as you could be.

Perhaps you’re not feeling as open as you could be.

Perhaps you’re not feeling as free as you could be.

And you’re surely not letting yourself be sensitive to your body’s feedback – which is essential for being able to gage a man’s intentions. As a rule, the less sensitive you are in your body, the less sensitive you’ll be to how others treat you; and perhaps to a man’s actions. And the more bad stuff you might tolerate because you don’t let yourself FEEL it.

And what I’ve noticed is that when we don’t feel attractive…

When we perhaps use make up as a way to hide things…

When we hide from what actually makes a woman feel attractive (like allowing energy to travel freely through your body, making your alive), we become resentful.

It’s not healthy to pretend we don’t need to feel attractive. Sure, not everyone will think I’m attractive, but I should definitely have the capacity to feel attractive.

Why? Because it makes a woman feel alive. And confident.

Imagine not allowing ourselves this experience…what would happen as we get older? We get rigid and resentful and angry. And we feel more and more threatened by other women, even hating them for having what we reject in ourselves.

So, go…

Connect with yourself. Let yourself feel yourself. And always, stop if it is all becoming too much for your nervous system and you feel unsafe. The key is to go to a safe place and let yourself be free, where nobody can hurt you.

Dance all of you out…let the happiness flood every twinkling star in your extremities, let the hurt be felt, let the sensitivity you have be felt.

This is what it means to be you. I don’t care how you currently feel about your figure, whether you feel good, horrible, or okay.

Feel your breasts and your thighs…

You go and put some music on – some earthy music (whatever that means), and get naked and dance. Feel your breasts, feel how incredible they are.

Feel your thighs, where there’s all this feminine energy. Feel how wonderful they are for keeping you standing, for holding you up, for letting you stand tall.

Feel your vagina, feel how it opens to the world when it’s safe and trusting; feel how it wants to open and let in only a man who is truly worth it; who is an actual trustable man.

Feel how it knows when to close…feel how it knows when it needs more time to trust a man, more talk, more trust. Feel how it yearns for more passion and aliveness and more masculine energy.

Never reduce your vagina to the task of sleeping with a man that you don’t trust, or hate. A lot of women do this as a way to try to be enough. But that’s not a good idea.

And, never do sex for the sake of keeping a man around. The resistance you feel to sex is real, and there for a reason.

Dance.

Dance some more, do it naked. Do it song after song, after song. Feeling yourself. with your hands and with your emotions…becoming more alive and more of you, touching the parts of you that make you feel a woman. Feel love flowing through your hands and fingers as you give your breasts and vagina the love and devotion they deserve.

They are working hard for you.

And, remind them that you love them. They are part of what makes you vulnerable, and they are also part of what makes you strong.

Click here to get the Goddess Report

As you dance, let the tears flow if they need to, and allow yourself to feel all of you, exactly what you are:

BEAUTIFUL.

Do you know what attracts a man? Click here to learn the 17 Attraction Triggers.

Love,

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  • TinyTofu

    Dancing naked? Yes I would.

  • Sylvia Guo

    Renee, I love this article so, so, so much! Thank you for all the great work you do. Someone has to stand out to set women free on a much deeper level! Thanks!!!

  • Jim Johnson

    Lots of the stigma comes from a confusion about what it means to be a slut. Being a slut is not defined on WHAT you do, or how often, it is defined on WHO you do.

  • Samah

    Oh Renee.I love this sooo much
    Everything about it,I discovered my true femininity when i connect to my body.can you imagine I was stuck. For almost a year wondering how to be feminine okay I’m not this image that i thought feminine,whats wrong with me ,then I thought maybe it’s not for me ,im not the feminine type but there was something inside me was screaming to shine out I didn’t know what is it,my parents want me to study study study I’m a good intelligent girl and i was never the hyper ditzy airhead girl !!
    until I
    Opened my heart 🙂 and just pure love was coming out i knew then that feminine energy is “oppeness”not the makeup ,not acting a certain way not being slutty and wanting all guys attention. you really helped me a lot renee how can i thank you,your one of the most radiant beautiful women I’ve ever seen 🙂 looots and looots of love to you beautiful sister

    • Aww, thank you Samah! I love your story, it is inspiring. 🙂

  • Georgiana Adriana

    Hello Renee, I was wondering if you have articles about men, who are in a relationship, but kiss another woman (it happened to me and he keeps sending me mixed signals) >_<

    • No, I don’t have an article that specifically addresses this.

      As a rule, I don’t believe in mixed signals – generally, I believe in how you feel in response to him, and I believe in the message his actions show. but it depends on how long you’ve been seeing each other, etc. And every relationship has differences.

      • Georgiana Adriana

        We have been friends for almost 2 years, we have never been in a relationship, but he treated me as if he wanted more, he kept hugging me, kissing my forehead, always staring at me when I did something cute such as smiling when I played enthusiastically with an aquarium full of fish :> , he keeps pinching my sides and hugs me very tight as opposed to other guy friends.
        Plus, when his roommate wanted to know more about me (I invited him to an event), my friend responded quite cold, saying “He only came to see you”, which made me quite surprised by his tone.
        Renee…please tell me it had nothing to do with the fact that I confessed my feelings (got rejected), but he told me we can remain ‘inbetween’…neither “friendzone”, nor “relationship”, like an “almost relationship”. I have read about them and they are a big no-no. Your articles helped me understand men and myself more (and I can’t thank you enough ^_^). When I started applying your advice on how to let go of feminine energy, he told me I “changed” and he couldn’t quite point out how…
        Fast forward to today: he has a girlfriend, yet when I drank a little too much at a night out with friends, I got dizzy, yet he was fine, him and another friend helped me to my room and made sure I was fine. Out of my 2 friends he was more concerned about me than my other friend (…I also kissed him and confessed)…he pecked my lips (I was too dizzy to make anything out of it).
        I thought if anyone could clear up this confussion it is you (or Mr. Shen). I have told my closest friend and she told me that he saw me vulnerable and that’s why he kissed me.
        ….man! I feel so good to finally let it out ^_^

        • Hey Georgiana, it sounds a lot like he wants to keep his options open…and if you do choose to get stuck in the in between zone, that will never work out the way you want it too. That’s if you really want him.

          • Georgiana Adriana

            I would rather have someone who respected my feelings enough to not do this sort of thing and who would take care of me…I’ll let him go, even if it hurts, but I know it would hurt more if I stayed, so…no, I’ll continue to be the best version of myself I can be.
            Thank you so much for your answer Renee, it means a LOT.
            I wish you, your husband and baby the best! ^_^

  • What a lovely article. Not being open and honest about one’s sexuality seems to be one of the root causes of the frigid behavior (whether genuine or not) we see in women, along with work stress, ultra feminism, etc.

  • YukiSmile

    Hi Renee,

    Your story reminded me about my mom… When I got my boyfriend when I was 19 and every time I got home after our date, she gazed at me very differently as if I were a dirty girl. She made me so sad and made myself feel very dirty about having a relationship with men. It is very sad thing as a woman to make her daughter feel like that way, right?

    I am in relationship now with a great man I’ve ever met.
    We fell in love each other one day and he adore me a lot since then and I really like and love him.
    One day, we made love each other and had a very romantic time, but I had to go immediately for the work after that (ouch!) and he tried to push me in hurry to get out of the room and that made me feel so vacant and sad…I was maybe very confused about the situation and I really feel regret that I open up myself to him sexually and felt myself very dirty. Then I told him loudly that I decided never do this again. I knew he got very upset and quiet to hear it…

    Later I got to know he was very serious about me not to be late for the work. I felt so bad about what I said to him and apologized and gave him a note. He understood my feeling and forgave me with smile.

    I still sometimes have the slimier feeling and I am still acting very weird way to him after making love….It is so bad. I think I have a big trauma.

    I really want to overcome this and feel really open sexually to him and I know he wants me to do so.

    What’t the key to overcome this, Renee?

  • Akanksha Anand

    In fact a little strip tease after a shower just for myself sounds like a great idea to me! What do you think?! 😉

  • Akanksha Anand

    Wow Renee….this really is again a master piece!! Why did no one think of this before..! The first thing I am going to do next (when I really feel ready for it) is try to follow this advice…dance in front of a mirror…really appreciate my body and feel the dance flowing through me..!! Just thinking about it right now makes me feel how incredible that would be!!! Thank you again, for some unique top class advice I wouldn’t come across otherwise!! 🙂 lots of love

    • Thank You Akanksha! 🙂 I feel privileged that you are a reader here.

      • Akanksha Anand

        Oh I love to be here & always look forward to your articles Renee. Thank you for sharing all your wisdom with us! You’re helping so many women like me out there to rediscover their radiance not only with your advice but also your own persona and being.. 🙂 lots of love & stay blessed.

  • Jessa

    Renée, I recognize myself so much in that story that you shared with us. The problem is that I dont know yet how to get out of that situation. It seems like there’s no space in my life for a healthy relationship with a man. My mother take all the place. She warned me all the time about men and it puts me in a place of fear.

    • nena

      I ve lived such a situation and it is hell!Renee has written an e-mail under the title:”does your mom wants you to stay single “!i think it could help

  • nena

    Lana Turner in “The postman always rings twice” wore a towel on her head!and she was really sexy,seductive,slutty etc etc!maybe that was what your mom had in mind!my mom wouldn t let me wear trousers at school because she thought of it as slutty..and that is the reason i felt so isolated and ugly…!who cares???our life is our responsibility now!!!

    • Haha nena, perhaps, but there’s too much that I haven’t mentioned regarding me and my mother, to fully explain what she really meant.

  • Jessica W

    I have no problem with dancing naked in my room. Sometimes our negative experiences does keep us closed up until we explode. We women should not be afraid to express our feelings. I’ll put it like this: If you won’t hear me verbally, then you’ll hear me non-verbally. Never allow anyone to shame you into bottling up yourself because eventually, you will explode in the worst way.

  • Sophie

    Hi Renee, I had a similar fight with a man (we aren’t Exclusive yet but he has said his feelings towards me) and I sent him messages saying he was only after me to use me for sex and some other accusatory statements.

    He got really mad and said I was to insecure, he deleted me from his bb. Two days later I thought about what I said (I analyse things a lot) and decided to call him he didn’t pick up his phone. So I sent a text saying sorry about the messages I sent. He never returned my call or message, I promised never to contact him again this happened like five weeks ago. Was apologising reducing my value to this man?

    • No, I don’t believe it was reducing your value at all.

      The question is, how long have you been seeing each other? There isn’t much detail here. 😉