How can one be high value in a society that keeps us insecure?

how can one be high value

Got sent a link to a dailymail article today…on the tragedy of somebody’s dental veneers of all things. Then, I see to the right of the page an article of photos about 61 year old Bruce Willis filming an ad with tonnes of young, gorgeous, sexy women barely clothed…

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The writer used words like “….But Bruce Willis is also a man. While shooting an Italian commercial, the 61 year old looked like a kid in a candy store as he got close to a gorgeous woman….at one point she kissed him on the cheek and at another he went in for a smooch too…”

Yeah, so the writer is trying to – like lots of media outlets – capitalise on the fears that keep women stressed out, small and low value.

Well. Actually no fanks.

No.

They can’t do that. Shut up is what I was mumbling to the computer screen.

Bruce Willis – without anyone knowing, could also be a very happily married man. Not every boy is raised to be a serial cheating liar. Many men are really in love with their woman and happy to be faithful because they are genuinely fulfilled.

And just because there’s attractive women everywhere doesn’t mean a man is destined to betray his woman. After all, it could just be very much like observing pretty cakes. One has pink icing and the other has blue. Wee ha.

Don’t let the world make you think that you should never trust anyone. There’s a time for not trusting anyone and there’s a time for relaxing and giving people a chance. Many men, really just want to do the right thing.

I was angry that the writer (being a woman) was willingly triggering other women’s insecurity over and over, just for the sake of it. And the goal, like many, is wanting other women to stay feeling insecure. To manufacture insecurities in other women and make their lives more fear driven and miserable – seems evil, but it exists – often. 

The writer writes that just so that the daily mail could continue on as the daily mail – a trashy, sleazy British magazine that women love and hate.

Admittedly, life can be boring without these gossip columns – what would a bored mom or lonely college student read to fill the void? The Financial Times?

This is one reason why we have an epidemic of beautiful, naturally high value women who line up to buy excessive amounts of toxic, expensive makeup, or even go under the knife in order to keep themselves from feeling the pain of getting older.

Women go under the knife for new breasts – which is one of the biggest violations of womanhood I’ve ever known. The idea of replacing ones breasts purely for aesthetic reasons is a violent act – and a violent act of rejection of our feminine body as it is. Can you believe we are now living in a world where this is a norm and something to be congratulated upon? 

I am generalising here – I understand that many women undergo this procedure for many reasons – not just aesthetics.

And yet – I always wonder what our breasts and bodies are thinking when we do that boob job? What does it think? How does it react?

Is it saying “Why? Why wasn’t I enough? Wasn’t I functioning properly for you? But I’m here and I am your breasts and I feel womanly, so why don’t you also feel womanly? Plus, I can really nourish and comfort many babies if you chose to have them in this lifetime.”

It doesn’t have to be like this. We live in a world full of people who profit from our insecurity. How do they do that? They make us more insecure.

It’s not only for profit.

When we are insecure, we are easy to control

One thing I believe we could try to remember is that people who are insecure/fearful are much more easily kept down. People who don’t feel high value; worthy and confident are much easier to control.

In my country, I see this everywhere – people pressured into keeping small and average, people are not keen to question certain medical procedures (as compared to say Europe), people being pressured into medical procedures when there was actually nothing wrong with them to begin with.

Our bodies are always trying to do the best they can for us.

Our friends can also try to keep us down; if we have terrible friends to begin with. Friends can try to stop us from being brilliant – so that they don’t have to feel their own terror, lose us, or meet a higher standard.

Sure, we all have fears, and I do believe in connecting with people’s fears to meet them where they are at – sometimes we just need to be understood in order to feel free to branch out from a fearful state. 

Most people make most of their choices in fear

The thing is that people do operate from fear – most people are making most of their decisions from fear.

However, as a customer myself, and as a note to you…I wonder if you would consider that there is nothing more wrong than feeling like you weren’t born enough.

Actually, You are everything…

We are all necessary in this story of life; we all have beautiful gifts that are unique to give to the world. We each have beautiful and personal art inside of us, ready to be expressed every day.

We each care. Sometimes more than we are willing to show.

We are each intelligent and intuitive – from the day we are born. Only, that intuition cleverly gets pushed out of us, so that we end up dumber. When we were never meant to be.

But our society oppresses us by triggering our fears and keeping us down –  so that we end up happy to sit back, be small, feel like we’re not enough, and as a consequence – we are unable to take responsibility for ourselves and our decisions, let alone take responsibility for our relationships and our children.

We forget that we are brilliant – and instead, we hand over responsibility to other people, or we are content with blaming others for our situation.

In dating this is obvious, too. Sure, the dating world is tough; that is how it is. But to blame everything on men? That is to say that we are willingly lying to ourselves.

We are all born enough. That’s the condition of birth; we are enough. It’s everything else and everybody else who encourages us to live life as if we are small.

Isn’t it paralysing to live with insecurity?

Isn’t it violent to be given a chance at life; only to live it as if our unique soul were absolutely nothing?

Actually, you are everything. Especially considering most everyone around you is living and decision making from fear. You matter; you are everything.

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If not for you, then for everybody else. You are everything. That’s the rule. Otherwise you wouldn’t have been born.

I believe we have a responsibility to other women around us to feel like we are enough.

Being High Value means taking responsibility

One necessary path to becoming high value is to trust in yourself to take responsibility. Start taking responsibility for yourself, for your current situation, for your relationships.

Be ok with wherever you are at. Like I had to be when I was homeless, a face full of acne, boyfriend cheating on me and ignoring me, having no good friends and an eating disorder to boot.

What I have learned in recent years (the painful way), is that I really have no choice, (if I want my family to not live a mediocre life), but to take a disproportionately larger responsibility than everybody else in any situation that means something. I can’t expect to put everything in the hands of others.

It’s me taking responsibility; or else.

And, this is no different to me deciding many years ago, to take responsibility for my relationship situation, for my sense of self worth, and for my choices.

It’s problematic to do this though – as most of us learn that when we take responsibility, others are sometimes ready to blame us. Others are ready to take value from us; because we are high value.

But is there really any other way to live?

Why would we waste our life living small, and not taking responsibility?

Thoughts for feeling High Value in this world

Here are my suggestions for feeling high value. Even just for your reading entertainment.

  1. Being high value is a choice. Just choose. Every day, change your self talk from “I don’t have the energy” to “I am the one who has the energy to…” or change the self talk from “he’s taking me for granted” to “is he taking me for granted? Or is this actually not about me? What is it really like from his perspective? (Maybe I should think carefully about that)”
  2. It’s ok to be wrong. Enjoy being wrong. You can’t get more right if you don’t relax into being wrong – it’s ok to be wrong. It’s also funny to be wrong. Not to be taken so seriously.
  3. Know that it’s ok to be strong. It’s ok to stand up for yourself; to question things and to accurately describe and observe what is really going on. It’s basically ok to exist and have feelings, surprisingly.
  4. Be happy for other women to be sexy and beautiful. Remember that their beauty and sexiness can be recognised by you because you also have it. It doesn’t solely belong to them; it is yours to embody. Be as woman as you like, and don’t apologise for it. Ask your hips – I bet they agree with me.
  5. Stay connected to all of life. Minimise the amount of time you spend distracting yourself on your phone. Stay connected to moments – you need pain and you need pleasure, in order to life a beautiful life and to make good decisions for yourself. It’s people who shut off from everything who get manipulated, controlled and end up feeling taken advantage of. (Not referring to me in the past or anything). Consider staying connected – because your body will provide you with messages and answers that you’ll need to have better relationships – to choose great men. Your body will feel pain and hurt when someone intends to hurt you or take from you – that’s a message you can’t afford to shut off from, just for the sake of comfort.

One disclaimer to staying connected to all of life – if you are in an abusive situation; you will perhaps benefit from shutting off. Please do not connect for the sake of connecting and pleasing because you are afraid to lose a man who is abusing you. As always, seek professional advice, and especially advice from someone who truly cares, if there is that someone. Leave a comment here if you are unsure – there are so many women reading here who are smarter than I and who can give you good input.

If you are curious about what goes on your man’s head, and seeks to understand him, click here to take our Understanding Men program. 

Love,

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  • EveZumba

    beautiful words!! thanks!

  • Madelyn Soldner Sullivan

    Thank you for this wonderful read and for being so considerate about others experiences i.e. Abuse and when it’s safe or not safe. Overall just so affirmative and we need more of that in this world!

  • saumya verma

    Renee, you have truly touched my heart. over the years, i have been subscribing just for sake of bettering myself but you REALLY helping me. I see light rather say a Light House here.. 🙂

    • Aw, thank you Saumya. I really appreciate you commenting.
      – Renee.

  • Jessica W

    When it comes to the media shaming women’s bodies and feelings, I say the media can kiss my big, beautiful, natural black behind. As long as my husband and I say that I’m beautiful, no one else’s opinion matters. The real beauty is on the inside. If you’re ugly inside, you’re also ugly on the outside. The media cannot dictate how a woman is supposed to look and feel. Ladies, we are enough and forget what the media says.

  • Lauren Murphy

    Fantastic article. Quite an enlightenment Renee. Thank you for devoting the time to this cause.

  • BA

    Thank you so very much for everything you do. It really means a lot to me. I get excited every time I see you in my inbox. I’ve been working oh-so-hard to be a good woman/wife/mother and it’s been absolutely lovely having your guidance. I’d really like to return to what I honestly feel I was born as and I find this oh-so-helpful. At the moment I’m especially interested in being a kind, good, graceful, silly mother to my two girls. I’d absolutely adore it if you’d have any tips or created a program for that, since you’re getting some experience with that yourself. 🙂

  • Eka Perdania

    Thank you so much, Renee. It’s such an important knowledge about how to be a high value womam in today’s society. Much love for you xx

  • Akanksha Anand

    Hi Renee, I just wanted to thank you for your insights, they have been so helpful! This specific blog, along with many other brilliant ones which I have followed…I have started recognizing defeatist social conditioning which we all succumb to at one point or the other…..which prevent us from being high value women that we natuarally are..!! I do my best I guess to recognise and try to rise above these trappings….I hope I am making progress…but sometimes these things make me so angry and I lash out and am so rude…even to my parents, who I know love me and have the best intentions, but I feel that they don’t realize that they are actually contributing to this flawed social conditioning that holds us down…..It’s difficult and painful and I feel guilty afterwards….I wish I would find a more positive way to be high value and not be so angry and defensive..

    • Sometimes it’s about the journey to the destination, not the destination itself. 🙂
      You will find your way – if it was easy and quick, then you wouldn’t become who you’re about to become.

  • Anna C

    Thank you Renée, always, for your writings. I hope your 2 boys & David are doing well. It’s important to remain high value, but very difficult because of all the rules we encountered while being domesticated. For example: someone is talking during our presentation, and we dont stand up for ourselves by asking if they have a question or problem with the presentation, for fear of being rude. People tell us how things should be to make themselves comfortable in judgemental tones: “being late and modifying the yoga postures is a bad habit. We all must be on time and do every posture exactly with everyone else because its a team effort and if you want to do your own thing, get out”…. Without taking into consideration other people’s perspective and happiness, and be brave enough to let others find their authenticity & be loving and happy for them… Being creative in yoga postures…. Being a part of a team but embracing everyone’s unique perspective. You learn to think youre not good enough if you dont follow the rules…. Day in day out I go to work at the bank and when Work piles up I forget that Im a feminine woman. I forget to be High Value and realise Im wonderful and contribute wonderful things. All I think about is being chastised for being late and choosing to go into the postures by listening to my body rather than when the Teacher says to… By a self employed woman who doesnt understand the pressures of an investment banking job doing several corporate transactions all day, everyday, and the need for a fellow woman to come in and bloody express herself, not harming anyone and not get berated ! Yes, the world keeps us insecure. We have to break free….. Great article! Much love. Anna

    • Wow Anna…you remind me why I have never enjoyed classes (nor do I attend any classes; I harbour a kind of hate for classes). At the end of the day, a yoga class is still a structured ‘practice’ which inhibits our natural bodily expressions.

      And you are right, you are wonderful and there’s no doubt you contribute incredible things to the world. And to women on this site. So thank you.

    • Cassi A Na

      Have you heard of 5rhythms? I think it would do you wonders!

  • christenb

    Just as a note I was one of the actors working on that set with Bruce Willis and that article was ridiculous. Those pictures were while we were filming a commercial and his wife was on set with him. He wasn’t a kid in a candy store he was working & was very professional.

    • Just as I thought! Thanks for confirming!

      It exposes the intent of the magazine so well.

  • J.a. Ct

    The duality of the universe states that most things are not good nor bad. It is what we do with it that not only defines the situation but us as well. I am very sick right now with a terrible cold and allergies at the same time. I’ve been sick for a few weeks now. My hair grew so long that it was in my mouth and food. I wasn’t sure the next time I would feel well enough to sit in a chair for a cut. I never cut my hair but took scissors to it. When I finished and washed it, my man said “You are so beautiful that I am speechless”. He and others were shocked I could do such a great job by myself (me too!). I feel the worst I’ve ever felt. I do not whine about my situation. I took care of the hand dealt to me. Societies foster a malcontent attitude towards adversity often. Yet, how do we become or practice being a high value women if we never feel pain or challenged? The pain tells us we have personal growth to accomplish — who we are today in the sum of our past. Every day we awake to the future with opportunities to become a better person.

    “Situations do not change, we change.” – Henry David Thoreau.

  • Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

    Totally agree esp. with #5 – you have no idea how many times I’ve been walked into by young women texting on their phones! Heaven forbid they miss a text but they’re walking into people, not at all watching where they’re going… in the grand scheme of things of course it’s a small thing.. it is one of my pet peeves though!

    Very good article Renee! Thank you!

    • Thanks for your comment Tanya!

      I guess as a society that is trying to distract ourselves, the value of the people who are present will increase. Having said that, that will be true if we actually still value true connection.